Aca Newcomer's Packet 2i1n21
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NEWCOMER’S PACKET Welcome to each of you. We meet to share the experience we had as children growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home. We meet to better understand the truth of that experience, the way it affected us then, and the way it affects us now. Most importantly, through practicing the 12 Steps of ACA, the Solution and by accepting a Higher Power, we find freedom from the denial of the disease and the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction. We wish at last to find and be our real selves. Keep coming back. This program is not easy. We have found, however, that if you can handle six meetings in a row, you will start to come out of denial. That discovery will give you freedom from the past. Both you and your life will change. If you have any questions about the program, please stay after the meeting and ask one of us for information. We realize that much of the terminology we use sounds strange in the beginning, so please let us help you to understand.
THE SERENITY PRAYER God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to charge the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 1
Letter To The Newcomer Many new people are coming into the Adult Children meetings every day who are distressed and in some state of unresolved grief. Although some of these people have had years on other 12 step programs, many newcomers are bewildered when they are told that the 12 steps are the solution to "The Problem". We are all operating in some stage of "Denial", which is how we got trapped in the first place! Yet, we know that the steps work. Many of us are recovering Alcoholics or Overeaters, and we haven’t had personal experience with or have seen first-hand the miracles resulting from the 12 steps. Still, we knew what it was we had to give up or abstain from, after we had come out of the “Denial” that we couldn’t do it alone. One young lady, in a recent Adult Children meeting for her first time, expressed it this way, ionately...nearly in years. “When I heard ‘The Problem' read, I knew that finally I had found others like myself and that this was home, at last. But I'm confused. I know that in AA you give up alcohol, in OA you abstain from food, but in Adult Children just what do you give up for recovery?" Many of us felt that we had already given up so much in our lives that we had nothing more to give. We needed explanations to what had happened to us, as children. We needed our reality validated that there really was a problem, that it wasn't just our imaginations! We needed to go through the identification process that AA and Al-Anons go through and to come out of our dreamlike state, dropping layers of denial at whatever gradient was comfortable for us, by sharing "what happened" and "what's happening right now" in a safe and loving family environment. So that we can begin to see that we are re-creating what happened to us as children, in the present, and begin to break the trap circuits. Not by giving up something, but through the process of self-discovery, realizing that we don't have to keep doing it. Thus, becoming our own parent, and giving ourselves permission to be right where we are, to own ourselves both the "good" and the "bad", and make our own choices. Many of us had to "act out" our stages of grief and "feel our feelings that we had never allowed ourselves to express in our own families. Some of us had to put some order to the many years of "seeking". Searching for answers, in books, psychotherapy sessions, est experiences, and conversations with friends or professionals that we somehow knew didn’t understand and couldn’t help. Now realizing that it was all valuable, and a part of our growth experience that brought us to this new beginning. We get to keep all we learned! We needed to enter into a process of self-discovery. We needed to learn what “Denial” is and how it operates in our lives, and how the process of sharing peels denial off, one layer at a time, raising our consciousness and giving us vision and choices we never thought possible.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 2
The Twelve Steps For ACA The 12 Steps of the AA program have been adapted for many problems other than alcoholism. It is not our purpose to change the basic meaning and Spirit of these Steps but rather to illuminate their use in freeing us of the particular problems that we have incorporated in our growing years. These problems are often numerous, frequently severe, sometimes incapacitating, and nearly always unrecognized as the expression of a false identity — a reactive and non-spontaneous ego that obscures our true nature, usurps our energy, and plunders our relationships with others. We learn, for safety, to substitute this ego for reality. The pain, fear and inexpressible rage of being unable to experience safety and security in our childhood years could not be relieved by anything in normal living. Therefore, we learned to seek relief through gratification rather than develop normal feelings of security. Such gratification caused a high feeling through misuse of food, chemicals such as alcohol and drugs, or through misuse of excitement in a cycle of craving and supply, pain and pleasure. fear and safety, emotional separation and fusion in relationship with others, servitude and grandiosity, and similar other reactive patterns. These patterns became mistakenly identified as the real self and the normal life. This means that normalcy felt strange. We learned to distrust our true nature. These patterns of false identity were developed within us in response to our fear and our need for safety and understanding. We were conditioned not only by living in alcoholic homes, but also by our own responses. More powerful than the intoxication itself was the effect of alcoholic and co-alcoholic thinking, the mutually enabling process in the alcoholic family. Such thinking submerged our true perceptions under denial, evasion, distortion of reality and fear of abandonment. All this shaped the reactions we identified as ourselves. The severity of these reactions varied. At times we were relatively spontaneous; at times we were uncontrollably at the mercy of others, so that we only rarely had any inkling of the false or the true. We did not know that we had become our own version of other people, especially our parents. It is this recreation of parental thinking as our own personality that we must identify - not so much the historical reality, as the living version of it from which we suffer now as a false personality. It is through the death of the false "Parent-within" that the true Self may emerge and re-mature. This does not mean that our personalities and problems are necessarily directly copied from our parents only. Every form or reaction can occur, from simple dependency or rebellion, to complex imitation of "normal" life. What is essential is to realize that we have become more familiar, even more comfortable, in living the values of others rather than forming our own. lt is in this light that the 12 Steps are here understood.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 3
The Twelve Steps For Adult Children The Twelve Steps, as adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous, provide a means for “Adult Children” to heal the mental, emotional and spiritual wounds of our traumatic childhoods, and to overcome our ever-present feelings of shame and guilt that we have carried with us into our adult lives. Some have gone so far as to refer to the pain and suffering we endured in our childhood as a “soul wound.” We tend to agree! If you were brought up in an alcoholic or other so-called “dysfunctional” family system, then, like us, you have survived events and experiences that parallel the terror of why, though you many not have any memories or recollection of your childhood. This is not uncommon for Adult Children. Indeed, we are the “walking wounded” who tend to look pretty good on the outside, but on the inside we have carried a level of fear unknown to most, and an emptiness and a longing that nothing was ever able to fill. Why? Because, as children, we were, in many respects, abandoned and abused. We were never able to be who we were. We had to adopt a role or a family script to survive and to be accepted. Who we were was never good enough. Unfortunately, we lost ourselves in the process, and we took our survival role into our adult lives. We knew how to survive. We can survive any crisis. We just didn't know how to live. As adults, these roles and our addictions or “acting out” behaviors have made our lives unmanageable. We have acted out our loneliness, hurt and sharne, or tried to distract ourselves from it in a myriad of ways. These included using alcohol and drugs, food, sex, gambling, education, relationships, religion, helping or counseling others, and many more, but none sufficed. Within each of us there was an insatiable child who was never allowed to "be" and to grow, who was not listened to or seen, and who needed to be loved, nurtured, validated and ed. In ACA, and with the help of the Twelve Steps, we have finally begun to get in touch with that child, to love the child and to integrate the child into our adult lives so that we can stop looking to other people, places, and things to fill the void. From this moment, you, too, can begin to heal your life, to stop your acting-out behaviors, and begin to make healthier choices for yourself. Here are the Twelve steps as adapted for Adult Children. Note: We have found it necessary to make adaptations to the Steps, as in AA the Steps are primarily “offender based” and intended to deal only with recovery from addiction. In ACA, though we may also have our own “offender” issues to deal with, we are primarily oriented to recovery from “victim” issues, and towards taking responsibility for our own lives so that we do not remain as victims.
Step One: We accepted our powerlessness over the dynamics of our “family of origin” and the unhealthy tools, roles, and adaptive behaviors which helped us to survive as children, but which have made our adult lives unmanageable.
Step Two: Came to believe in our own innate goodness and worth, by virtue of the “Indwelling Spirit” or “Higher Power” within each of us, as expressed in our individual consciousness, and that this Power could restore us to functionality.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 4
Step Three: Made a decision to claim our own “Inner Spirit” or “Higher Power” and, with it, our freedom to love and accept ourselves unconditionally from this moment forward.
Step Four: Made a searching and fearless objective inventory of our lives (either on our own, through therapy, or both), observing all those areas where we had been victiimized, owning our feeling about them, but also giving up our guilt over situations in which we were clearly innocent victims such as was the case when we were children.
Step Five: itted to ourselves, to our “Higher Power,” and to someone whom we could trust to be ive (such as a therapist or a special friend) the exact nature of our dysfunctions, including the harm we have cased others, as well as the feelings and opinions we have had about ourselves or other issues which may have inhibited our spiritual growth.
Step Six: We embraced our anger, hurt, shame, and our fears, and allowed ourselves to finally “feel” the pain and suffering which both we and others have denied us until now, so that we could finally be free of it.
Step Seven: We allowed ourselves to experience and express the feelings we had been suppressing, and we grieved our losses, so that we could heal them and move forward, rather than continuing to deny or to rationalize the abuse we had suffered.
Step Eight: Made a list of all persons, institutions, and/or belief systems that have harmed us (either physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and/or spiritually), as well as those whom we have harmed in tum, and we became willing to either forgive, or to make amends, as each incident warranted.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to those we had harmed, and forgave either directly, or in our hearts, those who had harmed us (except when to do so would injure them or others). We began with ourselves!
Step Ten: Continued to monitor our own attitudes, behavior patterns and feelings, watching for anything we may have overlooked, or any old patterns we may be slipping back into, and, if necessary, we repeated the aforementioned Steps.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 5
Step Eleven: Sought through meditation and/or “inner-reflection” to improve our conscious awareness of our spiritual nature, and to live in harmony with the universe and/or our “Higher Power,” and to express outwardly the truth beauty and wonder of our unique and incomparable self, the one we were intended to be.
Step Twelve: Having substantially healed our own lives through the acceptance and nurturing of our “Inner Spirit” or “Inner Child,” and through our dedication to practicing these principles in all our affairs, we then tried to carry our message of hope and recovery to other Adult Children. that no one among us has maintained perfect adherence to these principles. We are not cured, nor are we saints. We are human beings in the process of recovery, which is a life-long journey of self-discovery. We never stop growing or changing. Furthermore, we must remain hyper-vigilant, that we do not give up responsibility for our life to some other person, place or thing, not even ACA. Our happiness, health and success in life are contingent upon our on-going spiritual growth. May the love, beauty, peace and wonder of the program grow in you “one day at a time.”
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 6
Common Characteristics Shared By Adult Children Of Alcoholics 1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. 2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. 3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. 13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behavior or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. Taken from the book ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS By Janet Woitiz
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 7
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Families Fear of Losing Control: We maintain control of our feelings and our behavior, and we try to control the feelings and behavior of others. We don’t do this to hurt ourselves or others; we do it out of fear. We are afraid that our lives will worsen if we relax our control, and we get uncomfortably anxious when control isn't possible. Fear of Feelings: From childhood on, we've buried our feelings (especially sadness and anger), and we we lost the ability to to express emotions freely. Eventually all intense feelings are feared, even ones like joy and happiness. Fear of Conflict: We are frightened by those in authority, by angry people and by personal criticism. Common assertiveness displayed by others is often misinterpreted as anger. As a result of our fear of conflict, we are constantly seeking approval, but we lose our identities in the process. We frequently end up in a self-imposed state of isolation. An Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility: We are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Our self-esteem comes from how others view us: thus, we have a compulsive need to be “perfect” in their eyes. Feelings of Guilt when we stand up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. We sacrifice our needs in an effort be “responsible” and to avoid guilt. An inability to Relax, Let Go, and have Fun: Fun is stressful for us, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified, exercising all the control it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control, it’s no wonder spontaneity suffers for spontaneity and control are incompatible. Living in a World of Denial: Whenever we are threatened, our tendency toward denial intensifies. Difficulties with Intimate Relationships: Intimacy leaves us feeling out of control. Intimacy requires both selflove and being comfortable with the expression of one's needs. As a result, we may have difficulty with sexuality. We may frequently repeat relationship patterns without growth. Living Life from the Viewpoint of a Victim: We may be either aggressive or ive victims, and we are often attracted to other “victims” in our love, friendship and career relationships. Compulsive Behavior: We may work or eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship, or behave in other compulsive ways. Some of us may drink compulsively or become alcoholics ourselves. The Tendency to Be More Comfortable with Chaos than Security: We become addicted to excitement and drama which can give us our fix of adrenalin and the feeling of power which accompanies it. The Tendency to Confuse Love with Pity: Because of this confusion, we frequently “love” people we can pity and rescue.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 8
Fear of Abandonment: We will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the pain of abandonment. A Tendency Toward Physical Complaints: We frequently suffer higher rates of stress-related illnesses. Suffering from a Backlog of Delayed Grief: Losses experienced during childhood were often never grieved for since our families frequently would not tolerate such intensely uncomfortable feelings. Today, without calling up these past feelings, our losses cannot be felt. As a result, we may frequently be depressed. A Tendency to Choose Reaction over Action: Many of us remain hyper-vigilant, constantly scanning our physical or emotional environments for potential catastrophes we can feed into. The Tendency to Assume a Black and White Perspective: Linder pressure, the gray areas of life seem to disappear and we may see ourselves facing an endless series of “either-or” alternatives. Harsh, even Fierce Self-Criticism: We may have a very low sense of self-esteem, no matter how competent or mature we are in many areas of our lives. An Ability to Survive: If I am reading this list. I am a survivor. (Editors Note: "and a person who perseveres”)
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 9
Checklist For Hidden Anger 1. Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks. 2. Perpetual or habitual lateness. 3. A liking for sarcastic or ironic humor. 4. Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation. 5. Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "Grin-and-Bear-It." 6. Frequent sighing. 7. Smiling while hurting. 8. Over-controlled monotone speaking voice. 9. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams. 10. Difficulty in getting to sleep or sleeping through the night. 11. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about. 12. Slowing down movements. 13. Getting tired more easily than usual. 14. Excessive irritability over trifles. 15. Getting drowsy at inappropriate times. 16. Sleeping more than usual...maybe 12 to 14 hours a day. 17. Waking up tired rather than rested and refreshed. 18. Clenched aws...especially while sleeping. 19. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unaware. 20. Grinding of the teeth...especially while sleeping. 21. Chronically stiff or sore neck. 22. Chronic depression...extended periods of feeling down for no reason 23. Stomach ulcers. This is not about rage...rage is anger out of control, taking over your whole being. This is about the feelings we call ‘irritation,” “annoyance,” “getting mad,” etc. We are taught to avoid them...to avoid having them if possible (it isn't), but certainly to avoid expressing them. Unfortunately, many people go overboard in controlling negative feelings and their awareness of feeling them. We learn to be “nice” and “civil,” which means (among other things) hiding bad feelings. With the expression stifled and to protect ourselves from the unbearable burden of continually unexpressed “bad” feelings we go to the next step and convince ourselves that we are not angry, even when we are. Such self-deception does not work, and the blocked anger “leaks out” in various ways, some of which are listed above. The items listed are danger signals. It is true that each can have other causes, but the presence of any of them may be a good reason to look within yourself for buried resentments. If you are human, you will find some. If you are fortunate, you will find few... which may indicate that you have learned effective ways of discharging those resentments. If you are like most of us, you will need to unlearn some old habits before you can learn new ways of handling bad feelings. The process of dealing with negative feelings can be divided into three parts for purposes of discussion. The parts are: 1. Recognition of the feeling. 2. Owning it...acknowledging that it is yours. 3. Discharging it...acting on it in some way.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 10
Everyone has his or her own signals indicating current on-the-spot anger. Look for yours...friends and family may be able to help, since they may be aware of your irritation before you are. Some common signals are: clamming up; blushing; shortening of breath; drumming the fingers; foot tapping shaking or twisting; laughing when nothing amusing is happening; patting or stroking the back of the head; clenched jaws or fists; yawning or sudden drowsiness; avoiding eye ; a pain in the neck; fidgeting; apologizing when none is asked for; headaches; a rise in voice pitch. This is goes on...try to find out what your signals are. When you discover one of your signals, think back over the past twenty-four hours of what incident might have angered you. Forget about being “nice,” and imagine you are the touchiest, most childish person on earth. When you find the incident, ask yourself why you didn't get angry...chances are you didn't recognize your own anger. what you actually did to try to relieve the anger. The anger is yours. Someone else may have done something that pushed your buttons, but the anger is yours, and so are the feelings that lay under the anger. Blaming someone else does nothelp, and someone else’s actions will not elp unless it is in response to your anger. You feelings are as much a part of you as your skin, orgains and bones are. Don’t hide the anger. You probably will not be successful in hiding it, anyway. If you have recognized it and owned it, you have choices as to when and how you may express it. Violence is not acceptable, and getting into a verbal exchange to “get even” can be just as self-defeating. Saying “that makes me angry” or “I don’t like it when...” may not be as satisfying as bashing someone, but it is better than doing nothing and holding it in. There are a few situations where it may be in your best interest to delay expressing the anger, but there are none in which you can afford to delay recognizing and owning your own feelings.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 11
The Problem Many of us find that we have several characteristics in common having been children in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional household where no one's needs are met. Denial blunted our awareness of the destructive reality of family alcoholism. We felt isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. Fear caused us to create a veneer of control in an attempt to feel whole and safe. To protect ourselves we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. Sexual roles were often confusing for us. We mistook any personal criticism as a threat because we had no self-esteem. Desperation for love and acceptance drove us into fantasies or obsessions in an effort to mask our pain. Many of us thought we were crazy. As a result of our conditioning, we confused love with pity or with other feelings we could not name, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to negative excitement in all our affairs. We were used to constant upset rather than workable relationships. Many of us became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Some of us attracted other compulsive personalities who mirrored of our families. Habitually we chose emotionally arrested people: workaholics, overeaters and debtors who were often adult children, fulfilled our sick need for abandonment. We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Our lives were lived in extremes of black and white because we did not know we had choices. Having had a distorted sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We mistakenly became guilty when we stood up for ourselves, so we gave in to others. Thus, we became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities who were terrified of abandonment. Willing to do almost anything not to be abandoned emotionally, we locked ourselves into insecure relationships because they duplicated our pattern with alcoholic parents. When fear of abandonment overwhelmed us, we avoided relationships altogether. Denial, isolation, control and misplaced guilt are symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism. We became “co-victims,” those who took on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever having taken a drink. We learned to stuff our feelings in childhood, and keep them buried in adulthood. Stricken with this spiritual illness, we felt helpless and hopeless. In our struggle to change our troubled family into a loving, ive one, we fulfilled the alcoholic family expectations and became our own critical parent. This is a description, not an indictment.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 12
The Solution The solution is to become your own loving parent. As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside, and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself. The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect. This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher Power gave us the 12 Steps of Recovery. This is the action and work that heals us: we use the Steps; we use the meetings; we use the telephone. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible. By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see parental alcoholism for what it is: a disease that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting. You will not do this alone. Look around you, and you will see others who know how you feel. We will love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept you. This is a spiritual program based on action coming from LOVE. We are sure as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself and your parents.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 13
Bill Of Rights 1. I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I do, say, think or feel. 2. It is okay for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways. 3. I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions, particularly where others share responsibility for making the decision. 4. I have the right to say "I don't understand" without feeling stupid or guilty. 5. I have the right to say "I don't know". 6. I have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty. 7. I do not have to apologize or give reasons when I say “no”. 8. I have the right to ask others to do things for me. 9. I have the right to refuse requests which others make of me. 10. I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, conning, or treating me unfairly. 11. I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty. 12. I have the right to tell others when their behavior annoys me. 13. I do not have to compromise my personal integrity. 14. I have the right to make mistakes and to be responsible for them. I have the right to be wrong. 15. I do not have to be liked, ired or respected by everyone for everything I do. 16. I have the right to evaluate my own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself. 17. I have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behavior. 18. I have the right to decide if I am responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. 19. I have the right to change my mind. 20. I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. 21. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions 22. I have the right to think about myself, my life and my goals and leave others to God. 23. I have the right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me. That includes my alcoholic parent, my non-alcoholic parent, or any other member of my family. 24. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents’ prescribed philosophy of life. 25. I have the right to laugh and play and have fun. I have the right to enjoy this life, right here, right now I have the right to carve out my own place in this world. , I am learning how to give to myself, and that is not bad. I need to change old feelings of being victimized to new feelings of being able to meet challenges successfully. I don't have to take care of everyone else. I have choices about how I respond to people. Sone situations can be resolved without my being involved. Others can lend to those who need it when I am not willing to be available. It is okay to put my own well-being first. I am important, too. I will read my Bill of Rights out loud, every day, to myself. I will feel some of the old guilt for awhile, but it will be mixed with a new sensation...that of excitement along with a sense of aliveness. I will discover that I am intuitively handling situations which used to baffle me.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 14
Affirmations III 1. Take conscious charge of your own life of everything you think, say, and do. It is not the event that is so important as your reaction to that event. You can choose your reactions. 2. Recognize and accept your own authority to make the ultimate decision on everything you do, for it is you who profit or suffer according to the consequences of your every choice. 3. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and give your own basic needs TOP priority, with the understanding that your own well-being is your primary responsibility. that the better you take care of your own needs, the more able and willing you are to contribute to the needs of others. 4. that you are not your actions. Your actions are but the means that your awareness selects to satisfy your needs. 5. Have a meaningful life objective, and conscientiously work toward its fulfillment. 6. Do not depend on others’ opinions or actions for a sense of personal worth and importance. 7. Do not procrastinate. Either generate the necessary motivation through a careful evaluation of the pros and cons, or dismiss the proposed activity from your mind. 8. Keep in mind that you invariably do the best your current awareness and skills permit, and that you always have. Purge yourself of any self-condemnation, shame, blame. guilt or remorse. 9. Allow yourself the freedom to make mistakes...to fail...without self-accusation, feeling defeated or “less than.” See mistakes as areas for further growth. 10. Let go of criticism, condemnation and resentment by realizing that everyone is doing the best his prevailing awareness permits. 11. Accept every problem and difficulty as a challenge to your awareness, but do not demand perfection. 12. Do not be dependent on others for their permission, confirmation, or agreement. Refer to your own inner basic value. 13. Do not try to prove your worth through your achievements. , you have nothing to prove. 14. Do not vacillate. Any decision is better than no decision at all. 15. Do not drift, and do not establish arbitrary deadlines. Do first things first, one at a time and live but a day at a time. Be deliberate and moderate in all of your actions. 16. If your life is not going as you like, look to your inner self for clues. Become aware that choosing is a choice and that not choosing is also a choice. We can choose to make рain or happiness for ourselves. Also, that it is not the suffering that leads to emotional illness but rather the fact that the child is forbidden by the parents to experience and articulate this suffering, the pain felt at being wounded. It is not the trauma itself that is the source of illness but the unconscious, repressed, hopeless despair over not being allowed to give expression to what one has suffered, and the fact that one is not allowed to show, and is unable to experience, feelings of rare, anger, humiliation, despair, helplessness, and sadness. Pair over the frustration one has suffered is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it harmful. It is a natural, human reaction.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 15
The "Flip Side" of the Laundry List ● We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority figures. ● We do not depend on others to tell us who we are. ● We are not automatically frightened by angry people, and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat. ● We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment. ● We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships. ● We no longer use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings. ● We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves. ● We avoid emotional intoxication and choose working relationships instead of constant upset. ● We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love. ● We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions. ● We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth. ● We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships ● with people who are emotionally unavailable. ● The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized and identified, acknowledged, and removed. ● We are actors, not reactors.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 16
Tony A’s Original 12 Steps 1. We itted we were powerless over the effects of living with alcoholism and that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could bring us clarity. 3. We made a decision to practice self-love and to trust in a Higher Power of our understanding. 4. We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them. 5. We itted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment. 6. We were entirely ready to begin the healing process with the aid of our Higher Power. 7. We humbly asked our Higher Power to help us with our healing process. 8. We became willing to open ourselves to receive the unconditional love of our Higher Power. 9. We became willing to accept our own unconditional love by understanding that our Higher Power loves us unconditionally, 10. We continued to take personal inventory and to love and approve of ourselves. 11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious with our Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of it’s will for us and the power to carry it out. 12. We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of taking these steps, and we continue to love ourselves and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 17
The Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends on ACA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as may be expressed in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for hip in ACA is a desire to recover from the effects of growing up an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family. 4. Each group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or ACA as a whole. We cooperate with all other 12-Step programs. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the adult child who still suffers. 6. An ACA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the ACA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every ACA group ought to be fully self-ing, declining outside contributions. 8. Adult Children of Alcoholics should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. ACA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Adult Children of Alcoholics has no opinion on outside issues, hence the ACA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, T.V., and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. The Twelve Traditions are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 18
Suggested Reading For ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics, Janet Woititz Struggle For Intimacy, Claudia Black Daily Affirmations: For Adult Children of Alcoholics, Rokelle Lerner It Will Never Happen to Me, Claudia Black Choicemaking, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse Guide To Recovery, Herbert Gravitz and Julie Bowden Repeat After Me, ( workbook) Claudia Black This New Day ( little yellow book) My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has A Disease, (a workbook for children up to age 14) Claudia Black The AcoA Syndrome: From Discovery to recovery, Wayne Kritsberg Understanding ME, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse Wives of Alcoholics: From Co-Dependency to Recovery, Marie Schutt Primer On Adult Children of Alcoholics, Cermak Codependent No More, Melody Beattie Codependency, a Second Hand Life, Stephanie Abbott Co-Dependence, Misunderstood-Mistreated, Ann Wilson Schaef All of the books listed above can be ordered from: Hazeldon (800)-329-9000, 7a.m. to 11p.m., Monday through Friday. Credit card orders by phone OK. Health Communications, Inc., 1721 Blount Rd, Ste. #1, Pompano Beach, FL 33069, (305)979-6776, (800)8519100. Credit card orders OK. The FIRST STEP Booksource, P.O. Box 1725, Monrovia, CA 91016, (818) 358-5966, phone orders OK. Additional suggested reading Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood, St. Martin’s Press, New York
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 19
San Diego ACA Meetings San Diego (San Diego Co) Saturday 08:00 AM “San Diego Men's Group” - First United Methodist Church, 2111 Camino Del Rio S. -Downstairs in Sanctuary (en) (WH) (NS) (D) Male Only, Discussion, Daily Reading, Non Smoking Encinitas (NorthCounty Co) Thursday 06:30 PM “Big Red Book Study” - Take Encinitas Blvd. To Balour Dr. - Oakcrest Pk Dr. Encinitas Community Center 1140 Oakcrest Park Drive (Rm 119) (en) (WH) (NS) (D) (Bk) Open to all, Discussion, Book Study, Non Smoking SanDiego Thursday 07:00 PM “Strengthening My Recovery” - 2 1/2 Blocks South Of University Avenue. St. Lukess Episcopal, 3725.30th St. (en) (WH) (NS) (D) Open to all, Discussion, Non Smoking Encinitas (San Diego Co) Monday 06:30 PM “ACA Yellowbook Step Meeting” - San Dieguito United Methodist Church off Encinitas, 170 Calle Magdalena Room 6 (en) (NS) (12 Step), Open to all, Steps , Non Smoking San Diego (San Diego Co) Sunday 07:00 PM “North Park Red Book Study” - St Luke's Episcopal Church, 3725.30th Street (en) (WHD) (NS) (D) (BK) Open to all, Discussion, Book Study , Non Smoking Encinitas (San Diego North Co) Sunday 05:00 PM “Aca Redbook Discussion” - Seaside Center For Spiritual Living In Quim Room, 1613 Lake Dr. (en) (WHD) (NS) (D) (12 Step) (Bk) Open to all, Discussion, Steps, Study, Non Smoking
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 20
THE SERENITY PRAYER God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to charge the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 1
Letter To The Newcomer Many new people are coming into the Adult Children meetings every day who are distressed and in some state of unresolved grief. Although some of these people have had years on other 12 step programs, many newcomers are bewildered when they are told that the 12 steps are the solution to "The Problem". We are all operating in some stage of "Denial", which is how we got trapped in the first place! Yet, we know that the steps work. Many of us are recovering Alcoholics or Overeaters, and we haven’t had personal experience with or have seen first-hand the miracles resulting from the 12 steps. Still, we knew what it was we had to give up or abstain from, after we had come out of the “Denial” that we couldn’t do it alone. One young lady, in a recent Adult Children meeting for her first time, expressed it this way, ionately...nearly in years. “When I heard ‘The Problem' read, I knew that finally I had found others like myself and that this was home, at last. But I'm confused. I know that in AA you give up alcohol, in OA you abstain from food, but in Adult Children just what do you give up for recovery?" Many of us felt that we had already given up so much in our lives that we had nothing more to give. We needed explanations to what had happened to us, as children. We needed our reality validated that there really was a problem, that it wasn't just our imaginations! We needed to go through the identification process that AA and Al-Anons go through and to come out of our dreamlike state, dropping layers of denial at whatever gradient was comfortable for us, by sharing "what happened" and "what's happening right now" in a safe and loving family environment. So that we can begin to see that we are re-creating what happened to us as children, in the present, and begin to break the trap circuits. Not by giving up something, but through the process of self-discovery, realizing that we don't have to keep doing it. Thus, becoming our own parent, and giving ourselves permission to be right where we are, to own ourselves both the "good" and the "bad", and make our own choices. Many of us had to "act out" our stages of grief and "feel our feelings that we had never allowed ourselves to express in our own families. Some of us had to put some order to the many years of "seeking". Searching for answers, in books, psychotherapy sessions, est experiences, and conversations with friends or professionals that we somehow knew didn’t understand and couldn’t help. Now realizing that it was all valuable, and a part of our growth experience that brought us to this new beginning. We get to keep all we learned! We needed to enter into a process of self-discovery. We needed to learn what “Denial” is and how it operates in our lives, and how the process of sharing peels denial off, one layer at a time, raising our consciousness and giving us vision and choices we never thought possible.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 2
The Twelve Steps For ACA The 12 Steps of the AA program have been adapted for many problems other than alcoholism. It is not our purpose to change the basic meaning and Spirit of these Steps but rather to illuminate their use in freeing us of the particular problems that we have incorporated in our growing years. These problems are often numerous, frequently severe, sometimes incapacitating, and nearly always unrecognized as the expression of a false identity — a reactive and non-spontaneous ego that obscures our true nature, usurps our energy, and plunders our relationships with others. We learn, for safety, to substitute this ego for reality. The pain, fear and inexpressible rage of being unable to experience safety and security in our childhood years could not be relieved by anything in normal living. Therefore, we learned to seek relief through gratification rather than develop normal feelings of security. Such gratification caused a high feeling through misuse of food, chemicals such as alcohol and drugs, or through misuse of excitement in a cycle of craving and supply, pain and pleasure. fear and safety, emotional separation and fusion in relationship with others, servitude and grandiosity, and similar other reactive patterns. These patterns became mistakenly identified as the real self and the normal life. This means that normalcy felt strange. We learned to distrust our true nature. These patterns of false identity were developed within us in response to our fear and our need for safety and understanding. We were conditioned not only by living in alcoholic homes, but also by our own responses. More powerful than the intoxication itself was the effect of alcoholic and co-alcoholic thinking, the mutually enabling process in the alcoholic family. Such thinking submerged our true perceptions under denial, evasion, distortion of reality and fear of abandonment. All this shaped the reactions we identified as ourselves. The severity of these reactions varied. At times we were relatively spontaneous; at times we were uncontrollably at the mercy of others, so that we only rarely had any inkling of the false or the true. We did not know that we had become our own version of other people, especially our parents. It is this recreation of parental thinking as our own personality that we must identify - not so much the historical reality, as the living version of it from which we suffer now as a false personality. It is through the death of the false "Parent-within" that the true Self may emerge and re-mature. This does not mean that our personalities and problems are necessarily directly copied from our parents only. Every form or reaction can occur, from simple dependency or rebellion, to complex imitation of "normal" life. What is essential is to realize that we have become more familiar, even more comfortable, in living the values of others rather than forming our own. lt is in this light that the 12 Steps are here understood.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 3
The Twelve Steps For Adult Children The Twelve Steps, as adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous, provide a means for “Adult Children” to heal the mental, emotional and spiritual wounds of our traumatic childhoods, and to overcome our ever-present feelings of shame and guilt that we have carried with us into our adult lives. Some have gone so far as to refer to the pain and suffering we endured in our childhood as a “soul wound.” We tend to agree! If you were brought up in an alcoholic or other so-called “dysfunctional” family system, then, like us, you have survived events and experiences that parallel the terror of why, though you many not have any memories or recollection of your childhood. This is not uncommon for Adult Children. Indeed, we are the “walking wounded” who tend to look pretty good on the outside, but on the inside we have carried a level of fear unknown to most, and an emptiness and a longing that nothing was ever able to fill. Why? Because, as children, we were, in many respects, abandoned and abused. We were never able to be who we were. We had to adopt a role or a family script to survive and to be accepted. Who we were was never good enough. Unfortunately, we lost ourselves in the process, and we took our survival role into our adult lives. We knew how to survive. We can survive any crisis. We just didn't know how to live. As adults, these roles and our addictions or “acting out” behaviors have made our lives unmanageable. We have acted out our loneliness, hurt and sharne, or tried to distract ourselves from it in a myriad of ways. These included using alcohol and drugs, food, sex, gambling, education, relationships, religion, helping or counseling others, and many more, but none sufficed. Within each of us there was an insatiable child who was never allowed to "be" and to grow, who was not listened to or seen, and who needed to be loved, nurtured, validated and ed. In ACA, and with the help of the Twelve Steps, we have finally begun to get in touch with that child, to love the child and to integrate the child into our adult lives so that we can stop looking to other people, places, and things to fill the void. From this moment, you, too, can begin to heal your life, to stop your acting-out behaviors, and begin to make healthier choices for yourself. Here are the Twelve steps as adapted for Adult Children. Note: We have found it necessary to make adaptations to the Steps, as in AA the Steps are primarily “offender based” and intended to deal only with recovery from addiction. In ACA, though we may also have our own “offender” issues to deal with, we are primarily oriented to recovery from “victim” issues, and towards taking responsibility for our own lives so that we do not remain as victims.
Step One: We accepted our powerlessness over the dynamics of our “family of origin” and the unhealthy tools, roles, and adaptive behaviors which helped us to survive as children, but which have made our adult lives unmanageable.
Step Two: Came to believe in our own innate goodness and worth, by virtue of the “Indwelling Spirit” or “Higher Power” within each of us, as expressed in our individual consciousness, and that this Power could restore us to functionality.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 4
Step Three: Made a decision to claim our own “Inner Spirit” or “Higher Power” and, with it, our freedom to love and accept ourselves unconditionally from this moment forward.
Step Four: Made a searching and fearless objective inventory of our lives (either on our own, through therapy, or both), observing all those areas where we had been victiimized, owning our feeling about them, but also giving up our guilt over situations in which we were clearly innocent victims such as was the case when we were children.
Step Five: itted to ourselves, to our “Higher Power,” and to someone whom we could trust to be ive (such as a therapist or a special friend) the exact nature of our dysfunctions, including the harm we have cased others, as well as the feelings and opinions we have had about ourselves or other issues which may have inhibited our spiritual growth.
Step Six: We embraced our anger, hurt, shame, and our fears, and allowed ourselves to finally “feel” the pain and suffering which both we and others have denied us until now, so that we could finally be free of it.
Step Seven: We allowed ourselves to experience and express the feelings we had been suppressing, and we grieved our losses, so that we could heal them and move forward, rather than continuing to deny or to rationalize the abuse we had suffered.
Step Eight: Made a list of all persons, institutions, and/or belief systems that have harmed us (either physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and/or spiritually), as well as those whom we have harmed in tum, and we became willing to either forgive, or to make amends, as each incident warranted.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to those we had harmed, and forgave either directly, or in our hearts, those who had harmed us (except when to do so would injure them or others). We began with ourselves!
Step Ten: Continued to monitor our own attitudes, behavior patterns and feelings, watching for anything we may have overlooked, or any old patterns we may be slipping back into, and, if necessary, we repeated the aforementioned Steps.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 5
Step Eleven: Sought through meditation and/or “inner-reflection” to improve our conscious awareness of our spiritual nature, and to live in harmony with the universe and/or our “Higher Power,” and to express outwardly the truth beauty and wonder of our unique and incomparable self, the one we were intended to be.
Step Twelve: Having substantially healed our own lives through the acceptance and nurturing of our “Inner Spirit” or “Inner Child,” and through our dedication to practicing these principles in all our affairs, we then tried to carry our message of hope and recovery to other Adult Children. that no one among us has maintained perfect adherence to these principles. We are not cured, nor are we saints. We are human beings in the process of recovery, which is a life-long journey of self-discovery. We never stop growing or changing. Furthermore, we must remain hyper-vigilant, that we do not give up responsibility for our life to some other person, place or thing, not even ACA. Our happiness, health and success in life are contingent upon our on-going spiritual growth. May the love, beauty, peace and wonder of the program grow in you “one day at a time.”
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 6
Common Characteristics Shared By Adult Children Of Alcoholics 1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. 2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. 3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. 13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behavior or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. Taken from the book ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS By Janet Woitiz
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 7
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Families Fear of Losing Control: We maintain control of our feelings and our behavior, and we try to control the feelings and behavior of others. We don’t do this to hurt ourselves or others; we do it out of fear. We are afraid that our lives will worsen if we relax our control, and we get uncomfortably anxious when control isn't possible. Fear of Feelings: From childhood on, we've buried our feelings (especially sadness and anger), and we we lost the ability to to express emotions freely. Eventually all intense feelings are feared, even ones like joy and happiness. Fear of Conflict: We are frightened by those in authority, by angry people and by personal criticism. Common assertiveness displayed by others is often misinterpreted as anger. As a result of our fear of conflict, we are constantly seeking approval, but we lose our identities in the process. We frequently end up in a self-imposed state of isolation. An Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility: We are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Our self-esteem comes from how others view us: thus, we have a compulsive need to be “perfect” in their eyes. Feelings of Guilt when we stand up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. We sacrifice our needs in an effort be “responsible” and to avoid guilt. An inability to Relax, Let Go, and have Fun: Fun is stressful for us, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified, exercising all the control it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control, it’s no wonder spontaneity suffers for spontaneity and control are incompatible. Living in a World of Denial: Whenever we are threatened, our tendency toward denial intensifies. Difficulties with Intimate Relationships: Intimacy leaves us feeling out of control. Intimacy requires both selflove and being comfortable with the expression of one's needs. As a result, we may have difficulty with sexuality. We may frequently repeat relationship patterns without growth. Living Life from the Viewpoint of a Victim: We may be either aggressive or ive victims, and we are often attracted to other “victims” in our love, friendship and career relationships. Compulsive Behavior: We may work or eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship, or behave in other compulsive ways. Some of us may drink compulsively or become alcoholics ourselves. The Tendency to Be More Comfortable with Chaos than Security: We become addicted to excitement and drama which can give us our fix of adrenalin and the feeling of power which accompanies it. The Tendency to Confuse Love with Pity: Because of this confusion, we frequently “love” people we can pity and rescue.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 8
Fear of Abandonment: We will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the pain of abandonment. A Tendency Toward Physical Complaints: We frequently suffer higher rates of stress-related illnesses. Suffering from a Backlog of Delayed Grief: Losses experienced during childhood were often never grieved for since our families frequently would not tolerate such intensely uncomfortable feelings. Today, without calling up these past feelings, our losses cannot be felt. As a result, we may frequently be depressed. A Tendency to Choose Reaction over Action: Many of us remain hyper-vigilant, constantly scanning our physical or emotional environments for potential catastrophes we can feed into. The Tendency to Assume a Black and White Perspective: Linder pressure, the gray areas of life seem to disappear and we may see ourselves facing an endless series of “either-or” alternatives. Harsh, even Fierce Self-Criticism: We may have a very low sense of self-esteem, no matter how competent or mature we are in many areas of our lives. An Ability to Survive: If I am reading this list. I am a survivor. (Editors Note: "and a person who perseveres”)
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 9
Checklist For Hidden Anger 1. Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks. 2. Perpetual or habitual lateness. 3. A liking for sarcastic or ironic humor. 4. Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation. 5. Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "Grin-and-Bear-It." 6. Frequent sighing. 7. Smiling while hurting. 8. Over-controlled monotone speaking voice. 9. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams. 10. Difficulty in getting to sleep or sleeping through the night. 11. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about. 12. Slowing down movements. 13. Getting tired more easily than usual. 14. Excessive irritability over trifles. 15. Getting drowsy at inappropriate times. 16. Sleeping more than usual...maybe 12 to 14 hours a day. 17. Waking up tired rather than rested and refreshed. 18. Clenched aws...especially while sleeping. 19. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unaware. 20. Grinding of the teeth...especially while sleeping. 21. Chronically stiff or sore neck. 22. Chronic depression...extended periods of feeling down for no reason 23. Stomach ulcers. This is not about rage...rage is anger out of control, taking over your whole being. This is about the feelings we call ‘irritation,” “annoyance,” “getting mad,” etc. We are taught to avoid them...to avoid having them if possible (it isn't), but certainly to avoid expressing them. Unfortunately, many people go overboard in controlling negative feelings and their awareness of feeling them. We learn to be “nice” and “civil,” which means (among other things) hiding bad feelings. With the expression stifled and to protect ourselves from the unbearable burden of continually unexpressed “bad” feelings we go to the next step and convince ourselves that we are not angry, even when we are. Such self-deception does not work, and the blocked anger “leaks out” in various ways, some of which are listed above. The items listed are danger signals. It is true that each can have other causes, but the presence of any of them may be a good reason to look within yourself for buried resentments. If you are human, you will find some. If you are fortunate, you will find few... which may indicate that you have learned effective ways of discharging those resentments. If you are like most of us, you will need to unlearn some old habits before you can learn new ways of handling bad feelings. The process of dealing with negative feelings can be divided into three parts for purposes of discussion. The parts are: 1. Recognition of the feeling. 2. Owning it...acknowledging that it is yours. 3. Discharging it...acting on it in some way.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 10
Everyone has his or her own signals indicating current on-the-spot anger. Look for yours...friends and family may be able to help, since they may be aware of your irritation before you are. Some common signals are: clamming up; blushing; shortening of breath; drumming the fingers; foot tapping shaking or twisting; laughing when nothing amusing is happening; patting or stroking the back of the head; clenched jaws or fists; yawning or sudden drowsiness; avoiding eye ; a pain in the neck; fidgeting; apologizing when none is asked for; headaches; a rise in voice pitch. This is goes on...try to find out what your signals are. When you discover one of your signals, think back over the past twenty-four hours of what incident might have angered you. Forget about being “nice,” and imagine you are the touchiest, most childish person on earth. When you find the incident, ask yourself why you didn't get angry...chances are you didn't recognize your own anger. what you actually did to try to relieve the anger. The anger is yours. Someone else may have done something that pushed your buttons, but the anger is yours, and so are the feelings that lay under the anger. Blaming someone else does nothelp, and someone else’s actions will not elp unless it is in response to your anger. You feelings are as much a part of you as your skin, orgains and bones are. Don’t hide the anger. You probably will not be successful in hiding it, anyway. If you have recognized it and owned it, you have choices as to when and how you may express it. Violence is not acceptable, and getting into a verbal exchange to “get even” can be just as self-defeating. Saying “that makes me angry” or “I don’t like it when...” may not be as satisfying as bashing someone, but it is better than doing nothing and holding it in. There are a few situations where it may be in your best interest to delay expressing the anger, but there are none in which you can afford to delay recognizing and owning your own feelings.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 11
The Problem Many of us find that we have several characteristics in common having been children in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional household where no one's needs are met. Denial blunted our awareness of the destructive reality of family alcoholism. We felt isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. Fear caused us to create a veneer of control in an attempt to feel whole and safe. To protect ourselves we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. Sexual roles were often confusing for us. We mistook any personal criticism as a threat because we had no self-esteem. Desperation for love and acceptance drove us into fantasies or obsessions in an effort to mask our pain. Many of us thought we were crazy. As a result of our conditioning, we confused love with pity or with other feelings we could not name, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to negative excitement in all our affairs. We were used to constant upset rather than workable relationships. Many of us became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Some of us attracted other compulsive personalities who mirrored of our families. Habitually we chose emotionally arrested people: workaholics, overeaters and debtors who were often adult children, fulfilled our sick need for abandonment. We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Our lives were lived in extremes of black and white because we did not know we had choices. Having had a distorted sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We mistakenly became guilty when we stood up for ourselves, so we gave in to others. Thus, we became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities who were terrified of abandonment. Willing to do almost anything not to be abandoned emotionally, we locked ourselves into insecure relationships because they duplicated our pattern with alcoholic parents. When fear of abandonment overwhelmed us, we avoided relationships altogether. Denial, isolation, control and misplaced guilt are symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism. We became “co-victims,” those who took on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever having taken a drink. We learned to stuff our feelings in childhood, and keep them buried in adulthood. Stricken with this spiritual illness, we felt helpless and hopeless. In our struggle to change our troubled family into a loving, ive one, we fulfilled the alcoholic family expectations and became our own critical parent. This is a description, not an indictment.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 12
The Solution The solution is to become your own loving parent. As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside, and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself. The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect. This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher Power gave us the 12 Steps of Recovery. This is the action and work that heals us: we use the Steps; we use the meetings; we use the telephone. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible. By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see parental alcoholism for what it is: a disease that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting. You will not do this alone. Look around you, and you will see others who know how you feel. We will love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept you. This is a spiritual program based on action coming from LOVE. We are sure as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself and your parents.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 13
Bill Of Rights 1. I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I do, say, think or feel. 2. It is okay for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways. 3. I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions, particularly where others share responsibility for making the decision. 4. I have the right to say "I don't understand" without feeling stupid or guilty. 5. I have the right to say "I don't know". 6. I have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty. 7. I do not have to apologize or give reasons when I say “no”. 8. I have the right to ask others to do things for me. 9. I have the right to refuse requests which others make of me. 10. I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, conning, or treating me unfairly. 11. I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty. 12. I have the right to tell others when their behavior annoys me. 13. I do not have to compromise my personal integrity. 14. I have the right to make mistakes and to be responsible for them. I have the right to be wrong. 15. I do not have to be liked, ired or respected by everyone for everything I do. 16. I have the right to evaluate my own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself. 17. I have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behavior. 18. I have the right to decide if I am responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. 19. I have the right to change my mind. 20. I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. 21. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions 22. I have the right to think about myself, my life and my goals and leave others to God. 23. I have the right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me. That includes my alcoholic parent, my non-alcoholic parent, or any other member of my family. 24. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents’ prescribed philosophy of life. 25. I have the right to laugh and play and have fun. I have the right to enjoy this life, right here, right now I have the right to carve out my own place in this world. , I am learning how to give to myself, and that is not bad. I need to change old feelings of being victimized to new feelings of being able to meet challenges successfully. I don't have to take care of everyone else. I have choices about how I respond to people. Sone situations can be resolved without my being involved. Others can lend to those who need it when I am not willing to be available. It is okay to put my own well-being first. I am important, too. I will read my Bill of Rights out loud, every day, to myself. I will feel some of the old guilt for awhile, but it will be mixed with a new sensation...that of excitement along with a sense of aliveness. I will discover that I am intuitively handling situations which used to baffle me.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 14
Affirmations III 1. Take conscious charge of your own life of everything you think, say, and do. It is not the event that is so important as your reaction to that event. You can choose your reactions. 2. Recognize and accept your own authority to make the ultimate decision on everything you do, for it is you who profit or suffer according to the consequences of your every choice. 3. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and give your own basic needs TOP priority, with the understanding that your own well-being is your primary responsibility. that the better you take care of your own needs, the more able and willing you are to contribute to the needs of others. 4. that you are not your actions. Your actions are but the means that your awareness selects to satisfy your needs. 5. Have a meaningful life objective, and conscientiously work toward its fulfillment. 6. Do not depend on others’ opinions or actions for a sense of personal worth and importance. 7. Do not procrastinate. Either generate the necessary motivation through a careful evaluation of the pros and cons, or dismiss the proposed activity from your mind. 8. Keep in mind that you invariably do the best your current awareness and skills permit, and that you always have. Purge yourself of any self-condemnation, shame, blame. guilt or remorse. 9. Allow yourself the freedom to make mistakes...to fail...without self-accusation, feeling defeated or “less than.” See mistakes as areas for further growth. 10. Let go of criticism, condemnation and resentment by realizing that everyone is doing the best his prevailing awareness permits. 11. Accept every problem and difficulty as a challenge to your awareness, but do not demand perfection. 12. Do not be dependent on others for their permission, confirmation, or agreement. Refer to your own inner basic value. 13. Do not try to prove your worth through your achievements. , you have nothing to prove. 14. Do not vacillate. Any decision is better than no decision at all. 15. Do not drift, and do not establish arbitrary deadlines. Do first things first, one at a time and live but a day at a time. Be deliberate and moderate in all of your actions. 16. If your life is not going as you like, look to your inner self for clues. Become aware that choosing is a choice and that not choosing is also a choice. We can choose to make рain or happiness for ourselves. Also, that it is not the suffering that leads to emotional illness but rather the fact that the child is forbidden by the parents to experience and articulate this suffering, the pain felt at being wounded. It is not the trauma itself that is the source of illness but the unconscious, repressed, hopeless despair over not being allowed to give expression to what one has suffered, and the fact that one is not allowed to show, and is unable to experience, feelings of rare, anger, humiliation, despair, helplessness, and sadness. Pair over the frustration one has suffered is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it harmful. It is a natural, human reaction.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 15
The "Flip Side" of the Laundry List ● We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority figures. ● We do not depend on others to tell us who we are. ● We are not automatically frightened by angry people, and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat. ● We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment. ● We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships. ● We no longer use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings. ● We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves. ● We avoid emotional intoxication and choose working relationships instead of constant upset. ● We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love. ● We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions. ● We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth. ● We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships ● with people who are emotionally unavailable. ● The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized and identified, acknowledged, and removed. ● We are actors, not reactors.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 16
Tony A’s Original 12 Steps 1. We itted we were powerless over the effects of living with alcoholism and that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could bring us clarity. 3. We made a decision to practice self-love and to trust in a Higher Power of our understanding. 4. We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them. 5. We itted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment. 6. We were entirely ready to begin the healing process with the aid of our Higher Power. 7. We humbly asked our Higher Power to help us with our healing process. 8. We became willing to open ourselves to receive the unconditional love of our Higher Power. 9. We became willing to accept our own unconditional love by understanding that our Higher Power loves us unconditionally, 10. We continued to take personal inventory and to love and approve of ourselves. 11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious with our Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of it’s will for us and the power to carry it out. 12. We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of taking these steps, and we continue to love ourselves and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 17
The Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends on ACA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as may be expressed in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for hip in ACA is a desire to recover from the effects of growing up an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family. 4. Each group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or ACA as a whole. We cooperate with all other 12-Step programs. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the adult child who still suffers. 6. An ACA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the ACA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every ACA group ought to be fully self-ing, declining outside contributions. 8. Adult Children of Alcoholics should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. ACA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Adult Children of Alcoholics has no opinion on outside issues, hence the ACA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, T.V., and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. The Twelve Traditions are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 18
Suggested Reading For ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics, Janet Woititz Struggle For Intimacy, Claudia Black Daily Affirmations: For Adult Children of Alcoholics, Rokelle Lerner It Will Never Happen to Me, Claudia Black Choicemaking, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse Guide To Recovery, Herbert Gravitz and Julie Bowden Repeat After Me, ( workbook) Claudia Black This New Day ( little yellow book) My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has A Disease, (a workbook for children up to age 14) Claudia Black The AcoA Syndrome: From Discovery to recovery, Wayne Kritsberg Understanding ME, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse Wives of Alcoholics: From Co-Dependency to Recovery, Marie Schutt Primer On Adult Children of Alcoholics, Cermak Codependent No More, Melody Beattie Codependency, a Second Hand Life, Stephanie Abbott Co-Dependence, Misunderstood-Mistreated, Ann Wilson Schaef All of the books listed above can be ordered from: Hazeldon (800)-329-9000, 7a.m. to 11p.m., Monday through Friday. Credit card orders by phone OK. Health Communications, Inc., 1721 Blount Rd, Ste. #1, Pompano Beach, FL 33069, (305)979-6776, (800)8519100. Credit card orders OK. The FIRST STEP Booksource, P.O. Box 1725, Monrovia, CA 91016, (818) 358-5966, phone orders OK. Additional suggested reading Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood, St. Martin’s Press, New York
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 19
San Diego ACA Meetings San Diego (San Diego Co) Saturday 08:00 AM “San Diego Men's Group” - First United Methodist Church, 2111 Camino Del Rio S. -Downstairs in Sanctuary (en) (WH) (NS) (D) Male Only, Discussion, Daily Reading, Non Smoking Encinitas (NorthCounty Co) Thursday 06:30 PM “Big Red Book Study” - Take Encinitas Blvd. To Balour Dr. - Oakcrest Pk Dr. Encinitas Community Center 1140 Oakcrest Park Drive (Rm 119) (en) (WH) (NS) (D) (Bk) Open to all, Discussion, Book Study, Non Smoking SanDiego Thursday 07:00 PM “Strengthening My Recovery” - 2 1/2 Blocks South Of University Avenue. St. Lukess Episcopal, 3725.30th St. (en) (WH) (NS) (D) Open to all, Discussion, Non Smoking Encinitas (San Diego Co) Monday 06:30 PM “ACA Yellowbook Step Meeting” - San Dieguito United Methodist Church off Encinitas, 170 Calle Magdalena Room 6 (en) (NS) (12 Step), Open to all, Steps , Non Smoking San Diego (San Diego Co) Sunday 07:00 PM “North Park Red Book Study” - St Luke's Episcopal Church, 3725.30th Street (en) (WHD) (NS) (D) (BK) Open to all, Discussion, Book Study , Non Smoking Encinitas (San Diego North Co) Sunday 05:00 PM “Aca Redbook Discussion” - Seaside Center For Spiritual Living In Quim Room, 1613 Lake Dr. (en) (WHD) (NS) (D) (12 Step) (Bk) Open to all, Discussion, Steps, Study, Non Smoking
ACA Newcomer’s Packet 20
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