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Differences in Male and Female Communication Styles by Simma Lieberman While much has been said about women and men being from different planets and having their own cultures, the reality is that we have all grown up on the same planet, and interact with each other in different ways on a daily basis. Its fun to look at communication differences between men and women but we also have to be careful to not stereotype and assume that all men will act a certain way and all women will act a certain way. We are all on a continuum and there are women that have some traits that might be attributed to the male style or there are times when it is necessary to use the male style and the same for men. Here are two examples: 1. The head surgeon in the operating room is a woman. If she is operating on you would you prefer she uses a consensus based style to make decisions and ask everyone what they think during the operation, or a hierarchical style and tell the medical personnel when to sew you up. The consensus based style is considered female, and the hierarchical is considered male, but for that woman to be the head surgeon, you can be sure that she had to get comfortable giving orders and having them obeyed in the operating room. 2. The executive director of your organization is male. The majority of the staff is female. You are all going on a team building retreat, but the destination has not been decided yet. Would you rather have a director who decides for the group where to go, even if the whole organization hates it, or would you rather he takes a consensus based approach and asks for input. Consensus decision making style is considered a female style, but it that executive director is serious about team building, he better ask people for ideas, or they might decide they aren’t comfortable with his choice and be resentful, not the environment to build a successful work team. Whether its nature or nurture, there may be individuals who possess almost none of the traits attributed to their gender. They may have been teased, harassed or excluded from things because of this, which is why its important to know and understand male and female cultural norms but also recognize that many people don’t fit the mold. So while we call certain styles male and certain styles female because research has shown that different ways of thinking, processing, perceiving and behaving is present in at least 55% of the male and female population, that leaves up to 45% that may not fit the description. As you go about your day, take the time to listen and observe how people are interacting with each other. I’m sure you will notice many of the differences outlined on the next page and discussed in the workshop. Be aware that very few people are all one way or all the other way—most of us have used the other gender style at different times. Finally, that while its good to be aware of these communication differences, you must go beyond assumptions and decide how to respond and interact based on actual behavior.

Examples of Typical Differences in Male and Female Styles of Communication Women are more likely to talk to other women when they have a problem or need to make a decision. Men keep their problems to themselves and don’t see the point in sharing personal issues. Women are more relationship oriented, and look for commonalities and ways to connect with other women. Men tend to relate to other men on a one-up, one-down basis. Status and dominance is important. Women focus on building rapport, by sharing experiences and asking questions. Men like to tell and give information rather than ask questions. They share experiences as a way of being one-up. If women have a disagreement with each other it affects all aspects of their relationship. Men can have a disagreement, move on to another subject and go get a drink together. Women get things done at work by building relationships. Men build relationships while they are working on tasks with each other. At meetings women nod their head to show they are listening. Men think the woman is agreeing with them. He then assumes the women will go along with his idea. He is surprised when she later disagrees, since she nodded her head. She has no idea why he thought she agreed with him since he never asked her. At meetings, men only nod their heads when they agree. If a women is speaking and she doesn’t see his head nod as he listens, she assumes he either disagrees or is not listening. Too often men and women see the differences between each other and make each other wrong, rather than appreciating how they can benefit from those differences.

Simma Lieberman works with people and organizations to create environments where people can do their best work. She specializes in diversity, gender communications, life-work balance and stress, and acquiring and retaining new customers. You may reprint these articles free of charge, on a non-exclusive basis, provided that Simma Lieberman's name and information are included. She would love to know that you plan to use her article(s); please her to let her know.

http://www.simmalieberman.com/articles/maleandfemale.html Gender Communication Differences and Strategies What can your organization do to create more equality for men and women? The first step to creating equality is understanding the different strengths and styles that different genders bring to the work table. Oftentimes men and women use different processes for decision making and leadership. Here are some common ways that men and women differ: 1. Attitude towards tasks vs. relationships. Women tend to be more relationship oriented and accomplish tasks by building relationships first. They then know who to ask and are comfortable asking others to get things done. Men tend to be more task oriented and go straight to the task. They build their relationships when they are in the task or project. 2. Way of Processing Information. When women have to make a decision they will often process and look at options out loud while men tend to process internally until they come up with a solution. Women often think that the man is being unresponsive to suggestions because of this and men often think that women are looking for approval when they process out loud or don't know what they are doing. Some men think that a woman's way of processing is a sign of weakness. 3. Leadership Style. Because women are more relationship oriented, they tend to lead by consensus. Men tend to be more hierarchical and include only the people closest to them at their level in the decision making process when they think it is necessary. 4. Communication Styles. In non-verbal behavior women will nod their head to show that they are listening. Men leave the conversation thinking that a head nod means agreement and will be surprised to find out that the woman didn't agree at all. When a woman is speaking to a man and he does not say anything and stays in neutral body language to show that he is listening, a woman will interpret that as the man being bored or not understanding what she is saying. This can lead the woman to become very uncomfortable and repeat what she is saying or ask the man each time if he understands what she is saying. The man then interprets that as insecurity, or talking to much and which then lead him to think she is not assertive or confident to be a leader. Women will actually use more direct eye in conversation to create relationship and connection while many men take that as a challenge to their power or position. Women will also approach a man from the front while men often approach from the side at an angle, which is how each of them tends to stand or sit when talking to others. Men interpret the face to face as too personal, or aggressive and women will interpret the talking side to side as though he is not being upfront or even hiding something from her. 5. Talk time. Men take up more time and space at meetings, while women try to make sure there is more equality in the room. Despite stereotypes to the contrary studies have shown that men talk more then women.

Men interrupt women and talk over them much more that women interrupt men. All of this can lead to the type of miscommunication based on assumptions of why member of the other sex are using certain verbal and non-verbal behaviors. These miscommunications can result in team breakdown, people not listening to each other and loss of good ideas. How different styles lead to workplace disparity While most women are in the workforce full time, there is still bias amongst certain men in leadership roles that stop women from moving ahead. This bias can include the following ideas: 1.

That there is only one style or way to lead and that is the more hierarchical one.

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That most women can't be leaders because they are not "strategic."

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Because many of these men are married to women who work in the home, they have a harder time conceiving of women running organizations, and therefore are not as objective when making hiring and promotion decisions.

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There is an unconscious belief that women are not in the workforce on a permanent basis and don't really want to move up or stay.

Strategies to Bridge Gender Differences and Value Diverse Styles If you grasp the importance of effective gender communications and gender equality in the workplace, then start making a difference today using the following gender communication strategies. 1. Take these facts with a grain of salt. It's important not to use this information to stereotype all men or all women. Of course not everyone fits these generalizations. These are cultural norms based on research that showed that a large majority of men and women display some of these characteristics. Some of these behaviors are based on acculturation and learning and some of them are based on how our brains work. 2. Stay aware. Both men and women need to be aware of each others styles of communication both verbal and non-verbal in order to avoid miscommunication and work better together. 3. Be aware of unconscious stereotypes and biases and be open to breaking past them in order to leverage each others strengths. 4. Recognize that many different styles of leadership can be effective. 5. Men, be aware of how much time and space in meetings or group interaction. Make room for the contributions of women. When asked for a decision by a women or for your opinion if you are an internal

processor, let her know you are in process of thinking about it so she knows she is heard. 6. Women, get comfortable asserting more space for yourself. When dealing with men in decision making, try to stop yourself from processing out loud. If you do process out loud, let the man know that this is a process you use for decision making and you are not asking him what to do. 7. Finally, Get Information. Learn about male and female styles of communication and be able to use both. You need both to deal with the complexity and diversity of situations in today's world both personally and professionally. Don't be afraid to recognize differences. Once you do that it will be easier to have open discussions in order to find similarities and use those differences to achieve greater goals together.

Simma Lieberman works with people and organizations to create environments where people can do their best work. She specializes in diversity, gender communications, life-work balance and stress, and acquiring and retaining new customers. You may reprint these articles free of charge, on a non-exclusive basis, provided that Simma Lieberman's name and information are included. She would love to know that you plan to use her article(s); please her to let her know.

http://www.simmalieberman.com/articles/genderstrategies.html

HELPING BUSINESS WOMEN BRIDGE THE GENDER COMMUNICATION GAP By Rosalind Sedacca In the '60s and '70s thousands of women fought a hard battle in the workplace. The purpose was to prove what seemed like a fundamental point: that, beyond the physical, there are no intrinsic differences between women and men. The intention was certainly valid -- opening doors to occupations and executive positions that were gender restricted or out of reach in the past due to the infamous glass ceiling. However, as the doors to equality began to open, an interesting reality also became apparent. Men and women are really not the same - in their thinking, acting, communicating or in many other behaviors. The truth is, we can never be the same, nor should we strive to be. Consequently, it is imperative that we recognize and understand just what those innate differences are - and then learn how to use them to our best advantage.

Understanding Primary Gender Differences Researchers who have studied human beings from infancy through adulthood have found some universal differences between the sexes. By understanding how these innate differences show up in our lives we can arm ourselves with the awareness and skills that enable us to accelerate through the business hierarchy with minimum stress and maximum success. To simplify any conversation about gender dynamics, we need to make broad generalizations about males and females. While individual personalities and other factors all play a part in determining our behaviors, gender differences are significant enough for us to acknowledge, study and discuss. The primary difference between the genders is that men, in general, are resolvers and women are relaters. Being resolvers, men focus on doing, taking action, finding solutions, getting things done and solving problems. As a result they are very externally focused. As relaters, women focus on pleasing, communicating, making connections, understanding feelings, exploring emotions and being understood. As a result they are more introspective and internally focused. Acclaimed author Deborah Tannen sums these differences up quite succinctly by pointing out that "women talk to establish rapport ... while men talk to report." According to Tannen, this means women use language in ways that develop relationships; men use language to tell people what they know. Our basic intentions and perspectives are different, and those differences play themselves out in a myriad of ways throughout our culture. This is complicated even further by the dichotomy of our internal versus external focus. "Mars/Venus" author John Gray says this difference is apparent very early on in children. When young boys have to deal with life problems, they tend to act out. They get more aggressive, even violent, and are likely to blame others for their dilemmas. Gray notes that when young girls are faced with similar difficulties, they tend to act in. They get more introverted and usually blame themselves. This is why, according to Gray, 80% of the people in our prisons are men and 80% of the people in therapy are women.

Transcending Historical Challenges So what happens when the externally focused resolver interacts with the internally focused relater in the workplace? Misunderstanding, mistrust and enormous confusion in our perceptions of how to behave, communicate and get things done.

This is not surprising when you consider that females have been invading the maledominated work environment for only a few short decades. Prior to the sixties and seventies women were relegated to a very narrow range of job possibilities: primarily as teachers, nurses, secretaries and sales clerks. Beyond these parameters the pickings were slim, the possibilities quite limited. As women accelerated their climb into the managerial and executive hierarchy, the differences in their approach to business - especially in of communication and relationship-building - became areas of contention at worst, and confusion at best. In the male-focused business world both men and women agree on one thing: men have greater perceived credibility. They're more comfortable standing in their power as authorities. Women are fighting age-old perceptions to gain their credibility. While men are judged by the position of power they hold, women in our culture are often still judged by the presence they bring into a room. In many cases they have to earn their influence through means other than perceived authority. That translates into working harder to prove themselves through overcoming more obstacles, achieving higher goals and demonstrating skills that measurably boost the bottom line. A fundamental principle of psychology notes that people are more readily influenced by those they see as similar to themselves. Men have always taken this for granted when dealing with other men in business. Dissimilarity has become a major challenge for many career women who have trouble assimilating into the business world or corporate culture because they don't always know how to "play by the rules." Here are some concrete suggestions for women who want to bridge the business gender gap through playing by your own rules -- and making cross-gender communications work for you.   

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Speak with authority. Avoid raising your voice in a questioning tone at the end of sentences. When your voice goes up, your credibility goes down. Don't wait your turn in meetings. Men assertively speak out with strong voices. If you have a comment, state it without waiting to be called upon. Be aware of listening style differences. Women listen attentively with direct eye , nodding and vocalizing which men often misconstrue to mean agreement. Be clear when expressing the difference between "I hear you" versus "I agree with you." Monitor your smiling. Women smile more readily in business contexts to be friendly. Men smile with women to flirt. Be careful your behaviors are not misinterpreted. Honor your skills as a Relater. When communication difficulties arise, use the REAP Formula for clarification: R = Repeat and review what you hear him say; E = Empathize with his feelings; A = Acknowledge the validity of his message, even if you don't agree; then P = Persist with patience until you can communicate -- and eliminate defensiveness -- with clarity and respect. http://www.expertmagazine.com/articles/gendergap.htm