Fhm True Stories 6yt4i

Moaning kid says wrong name One night my friend and I decided to go out with our girlfriends. In the heat of the gimmick, my girlfriend couldn’t contain her horniness that she nonchalantly kissed me torridly on the lips. To my shock, she asked for sex outright. My friend and his girl must have gotten carried away by the scene we made that they agreed to trot off to a motel with us. So we hied off to the nearest motel and each made good with our heat. I’d have to say my girlfriend was truly excited, as she got rid of her dress and underwear in one fell swoop. I, in return, licked her pussy like a pro, for which she returned the favor with a great blowjob. The fucking had to follow. As I was at it, I unconsciously moaned the name Myles instead of hers. Upon hearing the name, she slapped me hard and left me for dead. I was bitin but I couldn’t help saying the name because crush na crush ko talaga si Myles Hernandez. I can’t get her out of my head!

Buddies start a fire My barkada is composed of dudes who are die-hard Starcraft gamers. We have our PCs hooked up in a home network here, and since we’re all guys, we play with pretty much nothing but boxers on sometimes. One of our friends had these serious-looking outcrop of mangy bushes for armpit hair. As he was intensely focused on his game, we could clearly see clumps of his soggy black armpit hair threatening to smother us if we didn’t do anything about it. It even caused him to win sometimes because it was a major distraction. Suddenly, a brilliant idea washed over me as my other housemate was finishing his cigarette. “What if I set his armpit hair on fire?” We were deliberating whether or not it would burn, owing to the fact that it looked really wet. So, feeling like I was doing him a huge favor, I took a lighter, put it up to armpit range and let it rip. What we didn’t realize was that he sprayed some deodorant that day and one of the active ingredients (we investigated later) in it was butane. Pffff! The hair literally burned to a crisp in one amazing conflagration. Stank up the whole place pretty bad, too. The others thought a fuse blew. We really didn’t know what happened right after that because we were already doubled up on the floor laughing with tears in our eyes. It was like the world fell on him. My other friends even suggested burning the other side so it’d look even. He didn’t talk to us for a while.

Stude proves women do fart Coming home after school, I’d usually take a siesta before going to a café to study with my buddy. That afternoon, I decided to spend my rest hour reviewing the FHM Jan-Feb issue. I read the fart feature and just thought to myself, “what a lame article!” It asked, “do women fart?” Of course they do. But it was only later at the café when I witnessed it first-hand. I was busy reading my neuroanatomy book when two middle aged women came in and sat next to our table. As I was sipping on my frappucino I heard this tremendous “fffrrrrttttt.” I knew it came from the lady seated behind me. Shocked as I was I feigned innocence. She must have noticed but she brushed it off. But I couldn’t contain my giggles my buddy had to ask what was wrong. I told him what I’d just witnessed and in a totally insensitive manner he blurted, “Kupal, buti na lang di nangamoy!” The lady overheard it alright, and in shame she walked out with her friend.

Commuter bleaches bus curtains I was riding the bus one time when I had this sudden urge to jack off. See, I had just experienced for the first time how it was like to chat in the sex channels on the Net. Since it was already 11PM, there were but a handful of us in the bus, five to be exact. What I did was sit at the back where I could not be seen and jacked off while the bus was cruising from Lawton to Harrison Plaza. Unfortunately, I packed a loadful that it shot all the way to the backrest of the seat in front of me. I had no way of wiping off the evidence so I thought, what the heck, the curtains would do. So I did. To wash my hands off the deed, I transferred to a different seat but then a batch of commuters hopped on. Two ladies sat on the exact seat where I masturbated. They commented, “Mare, amoy Zonrox ang kurtina...” and asked the conductor to remove the stained curtain. I grinned secretly at my handiwork. Two weeks later I rode the same bus, at about the same time, with the same driver and conductor. As I took my seat, the conductor followed me. After taking my fare he went to the driver’s seat, took something and went back to me and said, “Boss, tissue po, wala na kasi kaming kurtina, order ng MMDA. At saka next time po huwag naman po sana obvious masyado kasi nakakahiya sa ibang tao.”

Sir, doobie, sir! I attended my last CAT bivouac in high school, as a high-ranked officer. Among the responsibilities I had was to oversee the younger cadets acting like the biggest asshole, making sure they were in their best behavior. While I was doing the midnight round, I heard funny sounds come from one of the tents. Obviously there weren’t supposed to be any funny sounds coming from anywhere—lights were out, people were supposed to be asleep. When I checked the tent, I found some cadets ing the doochie, puffing the dragon, and rolling some more spliffs. Movement ceased when they saw me. I knew they were deathly afraid, not only because they weren’t supposed to be up but because they were playing with things other than legal. But knowing what the good time was from any other good time, I crawled to I them for a round of smokes. Undoubtedly that was classified information not even the commandant ever found out.

Lonely strangers Mile-high club I was flying solo on my way to a beach vacation one time as all my friends went ahead of me. Surprisingly, it was a light flight as there were more empty seats than otherwise. Being alone, I started peoplewatching. An Asian-looking couple, who positioned themselves right into my view, was giving the most interesting show. They were getting pretty hot and heavy, even I was getting embarrassed for them. Suddenly, a cute girl sat one seat away from me. “I was next to the couple and I guess you could see the live show,” she explained sheepishly. Soon we were laughing and talking like good old friends. After one good laugh—she always covered her mouth whenever she laughed—her hand landed on my lap. We both fell silent and…let’s just say we ed the Asian couple in giving a hot and heavy show. Unfortunately, I never got to see her in the island, but what the hell. The plane ride was unbelievable.

Lazy bastard post-mixes a helluva cola! For my sister’s 18th birthday, my parents threw a lavish party. The food was great, drinks were overflowing, the guests were all happy, and my sister had the greatest time ever. In fact, food was so much in abundance that there were a lot of leftovers after the party. My mom, being herself, decided to have them wrapped in doggy bags for guests who might be dropping by our house the next day. The next day, guests did come and so we had food to serve them. But drinks, we had none. So mom asked me to buy softdrinks for them. It’s chores like this that I hate most. Out the back door, I noticed several softdrink cases with bottles half-filled with cola. A wild idea hit me. I proceeded to pour all the leftover cola into a pitcher. What do you know, I was able to fill three and a half pitchers of recycled cola! I filled it with ice and happily walked back to the dining room to serve our thirsty guests. And boy did they chug it! Drink up!

Sloppy roommate gets his due I am a college student here in Manila and I stay in a condo with three other roommates. One time I was running late for a gimmick. I got dressed quickly but I saw my white shoes really dirty. I hurried to the bathroom, got a toothbrush, and cleaned my shoes. It was dawn already when I returned home. I saw my other roommate getting ready to go to school all dressed up, and he was brushing his teeth using the same toothbrush I used for my shoes...he didn’t notice so I decided not to tell him. My other two roommates knew about this, too, so every time they’d brush their teeth we can’t help but laugh at him.

Lip-lockers go public I once worked as a sales and technical engineer for a computer shop that had an all-male staff. It must have been company policy or something, since even on-the-job trainees they got were boys. But a freak incident happened one time when we found ourselves with a female OJT. She was hot—not because she was the only girl around but because she was. One time, I received a mysterious text. After a series of exchanges, I found out that the texter was in fact the female trainee I had a crush on! From then on I knew this was an offer I just couldn’t refuse. When I got the chance, I managed to corner her and kiss her right there in the shop. It wasn’t just an innocent kiss, but a lapping, yapping one. But it was cut short when I realized (actually she was first to notice, because she abruptly stopped kissing back) I had been lip-locking with the girl in a part of the shop where everybody would see us. And how they did—when I turned around my officemates including our manager were staring at us in mischief and disbelief.

Panty fetishist sniffs One of his own I work for a major airline company. As I was unloading luggage one day, a colleague found a bag with skimpy red G-string hanging out of it. Grabbing it, he proudly displayed his catch, rubbing the G-string all over his face. He decided we should see which hot enger it belonged to, so he stuffed the panties back into the bag and slung it onto the carousel. We waited and watched as several gorgeous women collected their bags. As my buddy salivated in anticipation, the bag was finally claimed by its owner: an effeminate guy with an iffy mustache. I was about to kid my buddy as the man sauntered off, but by that time, he was already in the bathroom, washing away contaminants from his face.

School dudes spread rumors like bitchy girls I was considered to be one of the matino kids in high school. But that changed after a stunt I pulled on one of my girl classmates with the help of some cohorts. It happened when a teacher assigned me, a buddy, and the girl to check some papers. With an answer key, we went to work. But all the girl wanted to correct was her crush’s papers, and that really annoyed us. When she excused herself to go to the john, we plotted our revenge. We wrote a note at the back of her crush’s paper: “Alam mo, crush kita. Kita tayo sa likod ng Boys’ CR,” then signed her name. Feeling more evil, we wrote the same note to the other boys’ papers. The following afternoon, a teacher stormed into our classroom carrying a bunch of papers and called out to our victim. Our classmate was red-faced and surprised as a volley of accusations came from the teacher. “‘Di ko po sulat yan!” the girl said. “Sulat mo yan! Akin na yang notebook mo! O kita mo na?” the teacher countered, even though we were sure we weren’t that good as forgers. Adding insult to injury, we volunteered to help her find the culprit. Guess she’ll never ever know now, would she?

Shopping with Ms. Stupid My friends and I went shopping at a store selling shoes with the three stripes. While we checked out the stuff, we noticed this silly-looking saleslady tailing us as though we were shoplifters. Too bad for her, we had with us a barkada who was the king of asar. Our resident jester took a shoe off the rack and called out to the saleslady. “Miss, meron ba kayong ganito—yung lima ang stripes?” The lady paused and thought for a while. We were about to laugh when she suddenly replied, “Ser wala na po eh kasi dati lima stripes nyan pero ngayon naging tatlo na lang!” If it was a joke, she sure knew how to throw back a good one. But she didn’t look like she was in on the joke, so we can only guess we were with Ms. Stupid.

Dude Loses to red flag My girlfriend visited me at my apartment one weekend. Not having had sex with her for quite a while, the moment she walked in I almost threw her on the couch in glorious anticipation. I took her up the mezzanine (where my bed was) and proceeded to work on her. She immediately asked if I had plans of putting my willy inside her. I said, of course. She replied that it may not be a good idea since she was having her period. I thought about it for a while and figured it couldn’t be that bad (we haven’t done it during “red flag” days). Besides, if she were in the red, I wouldn’t be needing a condom, which should make the sex more “sensitive.” When I slid in, it felt like the usual, even a bit more wet than she normally would. It made for more vigorous thrusting until I finally told her I was about to release my load. The moment I pulled out my thing, I saw thick black blood covering my penis. It was the grossest thing I ever saw. With a horrified look on my face, I immediately scrambled to the bathroom to clean myself up. When I went back to the bed, she was already dressed and on her way out. Apparently, she had never been more insulted in her life, seeing my reaction. She said it was as though she had a dreadful, incurable disease. She broke up with me right there and then. Thankfully, I was able to do some damage control—we’re back together again and she has gotten over the bloody incident.

Monkeyspanker Gets Company I share an apartment with my girlfriend’s brother. Every afternoon when he’s out, I make it a habit of reading my porn magazines by my lonesome and doing some monkey spanking. And to make it more interesting, I do it in front of the mirror, lying on my roommate’s bed—don’t want my own turf messed up, do I? This routine has brought me considerable pleasure lots of times until this one afternoon just after I had shot my wad—someone from behind nonchalantly chided me, “O pare, baka ipunas mo yan sa kumot ko ha.” I opened my eyes to see my roommate—my girlfriend’s bro!—standing in front of the mirror checking himself. And the guy had the gall to not interrupt me while I was jacking off. It was the most humiliating moment of my life. Now he never calls me by my name, it’s always something that reminds him of me masturbating.

Down With Bigots! Going home with the folks from a pleasure trip in Bangkok, my dad and I found ourselves sitting separately in the middle row, with some middle-eastern types. Now I don't want to sound racist here, but let me just say that their body smell wasn't exactly fit for our wee Asian noses. Before the plane took off, Dad and I discussed the possibly of transferring seats, but the stewardess informed us that the vacant seats out front where, in fact, taken. And so the plane took off, with dad and I complaining to ourselves in Tagalog: "Grabe naman hindi ko ma-take yung amoy... sumasakit talaga yung ulo ko... ang hirap huminga," and so on, which, for those who can't understand our language, are variations of "I can't breathe!" After a while, we stopped complaining (realizing we couldn't do anything but bear it) when the middleaged foreigner sitting beside my dad introduced himself. "Hi. My name is Abu. May negosyo ako sa Manila." Damn, he had a business in Manila?! And worse, he spoke our language! I hate to say it but that was two hours of perfect shame for us onwards.

Alternative Native On a trip to Baguio, our family stopped at the famous Lion's head at Kennon Road to take pictures. It was typical tourist stuff, so I decided to be different. My idea was, I would look for an Igorot and pose with him. I got my own camera and began scouting for an indigenous model. Soon enough, I found one-complete with weaved bags and long curly hair. I called my brother so he could take a picture of us. I was explaining my plan to him when he looked at me, as though insulted. "Pare, mukha ba akong indigenous?" Turns out he was an artist on vacation as well-and as most artists go, he looked, uhm, "indigenous." Good thing he didn't have a temper!

Dude plays bum trumpet in church! I was standing at a cousin’s wedding as his best man. As the proceedings went on, I had a sudden urge to gas. I quietly left my seat to go to a corner. I knew it was going to be a loud fart so I decided to go far enough for the groom and bride to not hear it. I confidently played my bum trumpet but was shocked to hear its notes reverberate through the church walls! All eyes stared at me. It turned out there was a wireless microphone resting on a pew near my bum, and it was left on! The explosive fart I had hoped to contain was heard by more people than I could imagine, its sound like the voice of fallen angels singing in a 500-seat House of God!

Mind Your Manners In second year college, my schoolmates and I watched our annual university beauty pageant. We had seats near the stage and the view was perfect. In the talent portion, most of the girls did lame production numbers, so us boys got a bit bored. But then this girl suddenly came up. She was wearing a nun’s costume and appeared to be set to do another one of those stupid dramatic monologues. True enough, she began her stage drama shtick. But halfway through her act, she stripped her nun costume violently to reveals stripper’s clothing—tight strapless top, tight mini skirt and all. She also began to move like a stripper on stage! I lost myself at that moment and began standing up and hooting for the girl like I was in a dirty beer house. The best part was when her skirt accidentally (or deliberately?) got ripped, revealing her thongs and yummy butt-cheeks. All the boys in the audience cheered like crazed criminals. But I was the most insane of them all! Then the worst part happened: After her performance, she went to the row where I was sitting. I thought she would confront me, but she ed me and stopped, instead, by the lady beside me. The lady was her mother! And there was shouting near-obscenities at her daughter. What humiliation! You can bet any chance I had of courting her were doused that night.

Punks Get Junked! A friend and I are big fans of punk rock music and one of our favorite bands is The Ramones. One night, while we were cruising around the Malate area we decided to put to practice a Ramones’ song called “Blitzkrieg Bop” (we take this song to be about some filthy kids taking turns screwing a bitch in the backseat of a car). After a couple of beers we decided to pick up a hooker and drive her to a dark spot at the PICC Complex. Being the hospitable friend that I am, I let him go first while I wait for my turn outside the car. As I quietly sat on the pavement I saw three scooters approaching us. I initially thought they were just ing by, but I was dead wrong. They were coppers on scoots ready to round us. We (including the hooker) ended up at the police station. Too bad for my friend and the hooker, they had to endure going behind bars while I was allowed to loiter while we were being booked (see, I’ve got connections). I my friend reasoning to a cop that they were doing nothing wrong, to which the cop replied, “Tarantado ka! Anong wala?! Kinakatok na kita ng flashlight, ayaw mo pang tumigil sa kababayo!” I knew we were in deep shit, but good thing my padrino showed up two hours later. He got us out clean. Since then, whenever I hear “Blitzkrieg Bop” playing, there’s always a silly grin on my face.

Who's afraid of Americans? I’m a white American male and I live in the Philippines with my Filipina wife. We just had our first baby and, of course, my wife needed help around the house, so we had my mother in-law stay with us. What was originally a short stay went for two weeks and that’s when I snapped. You see, my wife’s attitude changes when her mom is staying with us, which drives me crazy. I tried to ask my wife to get a yaya instead, but she didn’t agree, and so I was left with no choice but to bring out all the stops. One morning, while my wife

and her mom were in the kitchen, I walked downstairs to do my morning rituals—only different thing was, I had no clothes on. Yes, I was butt-naked in front of my mother-in-law. The only thing she said was the Fiipino word: “Heesuuus!” And then she walked upstairs, packed her things and left. My was wife mad at first, but later on she thought it was so funny and she knew I loved her so much, so much that I would do anything to keep her all to myself.

Wanted: Receipts! In college I had a girlfriend who was a working student, at a food chain in Megamall. Because our classes were held every morning she was stuck with the closing schedule, and being the good boyfriend that I was, I willingly fetched her every single night. One night, I was about to go to the mall to pick her up when I decided to grab a quick bite. I ate a plate of spaghetti not knowing that it was near-spoiled. When I arrived at the mall, my stomach started to crumble. I quickly went to the restroom and to my surprise there was no tissue in the cubicle. I quickly rummaged through my pockets for some coins for the tissue vending machine, but I couldn’t find any. I tried looking for a store with a comfort room in it but all the stores were closed! Shit! I didn’t know what to do! I even went to my girlfriend’s work place but I couldn’t find her. Seeing an ATM machine, I suddenly ed that I had my girlfriend’s ATM card. I got as many receipts as I could get from that machine then headed again to the restroom. Yes, I used the receipts to wipe my ass. What can I say? I was in dire need!

A brokeback moment It’s been my habit to drop by our local market to buy some merienda before heading home from school. But on this particular day, as I was thinking of what to eat, a man approached me peddling some pirated DVDs. I thought about it for a moment then said, “Mayroon ho ba kayong bold?” “Ah, oo meron, kuya. Magaganda yung mga babae, saka ang babata,” the vendor assured. Convinced, I followed him to his stash of pirated videos and selected the one with the raunchiest cover sleeve. I split fast after paying, not bothering to test the purchase. I went straight to my room, locked the door, fired up the player, and took off all my clothes. I was already touching myself when I noticed that the movie I bought had two men pleasuring each other. I shook it off, thinking it was only a trailer, but after five more minutes the action just got more intense. Kadiri! Then, horrors, my mother knocked, wondering why I was such in a hurry and why my door was locked. I told her I wanted to catch an interesting Discovery Channel episode. Suddenly, one of the gay fuckers let out a loud moan. Bothered, my mother came busting into my room. She saw it all: me buttnaked, holding my dick with gay porn on TV. She started crying hysterically. “Kalian ka pa naging bakla, hayop kang bata ka?! Sayang ang mga pangarap ko sa iyo!” The moral of the story: Never ever buy porn without trying it!

Designed for failure We used to gather up and get wasted every weekend in high school. Each of us would usually bring a consort with them (except me). One time, after a few rounds of beer, my bud’s girlfriend came in with her own set of barkada. Then this girl with the long frizzy locks and colossal front s sat beside me. Because she was a total hottie, my dong naturally turned stiff. I was still pretty naïve then so my naughty pals began teasing me, telling the girl that I’m still a virgin and that I don’t know how to go about the deed. To protect my punctured ego, I dared the girl to make out with me. She surprisingly agreed. We rush to a room and she began kissing me. It was so intense for me then that I banged her right away. I was desperately trying to hold it in but, after a few pumps, it was all over. I failed to satisfy her and she was so pissed. All she can say was, “Badtrip ka naman o...para kang pato!” The next day, as I entered the room, I realized that the word was out. They keep pointing at me and shouting, “ Waaa… andito na yung mayabang na pato!” That episode was a total disaster. Grrrr…

Surreal grandma I went to the Makati branch of the Comelec to as a voter last year. At the line, an elderly woman came up to me and asked, “Paano ba makakakuha ng number?” I told her she was too late; the Comelec guys gave out numbers in the morning. She shrugged and walked away. About 15 minutes later she was back at my side. She looked at me strangely and, to my absolute horror, took my right arm, embraced it, and started kissing it! I’m not bullshitting you guys—she was kissing my arm! Then she said, “Inaantok ako, gusto kong matulog kasama ka.” What?!! I don’t know if the lady was a freak but she spooked the hell out of me. I tried to push her away but I reserved a bit of respect for the lady even though she was out of control. Then a Comelec officer came for the lady. “Lola, ikaw na naman?! Kahapon, siningitan mo yung dalawang babae, tapos ni-reyp mo yung braso nya! Ang tindi mo lola!” Apparently maniac lola was a regular attraction in the area and I was one of her victims.

Brother fairly This happened a couple of years ago. I was young, impulsive and stupid. I went home early for my grandmother’s 70th birthday. Bored, I decided to change to my party clothes before watching a porn film. While rummaging through our laundry room to look for some newly washed clothes, I came upon my sister’s newly bought lingerie. Curious if I looked good on lingerie, I tried it and sashayed just like a ramp

model would. As I was laughing my ass off, the unthinkable happened. I got horny and decided to whack off in my parent’s room. Holding a porn CD in one hand and my hardened self on the other, I head for the door. Damn! To my surprise, my sister came home early to get some cash from my father’s drawer. She was surprised as I ran the hell back to my room. My sister followed me taunting, “Hoy, anung ginagawa mo? Bakit mo suot yan!? Bumigay ka na sa wakas ‘no!” With a trembling voice, I answered, “Nag-mo-model lang ako!” After the party, my grandmother approached me and told me—in a very concerned voice,—“Alam mo kung ayaw mo maging lalaki, ok lang, matatanggap namin yun. So, aminin mo na, bakla ka ba?” I said “no.” In the corner of my eye, I could see my sister smiling while washing her lingerie—without realizing that there were some free pubic hair and juice on it! Sweet revenge!

Rocker belts out pop I once had this roommate who dubbed himself as the ultimate rocker. He despised all music genres that weren’t rock like ballads, RnB, and most especially pop music. Not wanting to tag him as a poser, I believed him but I always thought that his obsession was too overblown. One time, listening to the radio I came upon a station playing the sappy “Stop” by the defunct Spice Girls. My rocker roommate arrived as the song was about to hit the chorus hook. Then when it did, what did he do? He sang along! With powerful, performance level voice he sang, “Stop right now, thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch,” complete with the sustained pa-cute of the last line. He even sang it with some requisite dance moves. Then, after realizing his mistake, he sternly told me to change the station because according to him, the song was so baduy and corny. Well, I did change the station but at that moment I had seen and painfully heard enough to prove that his alleged rakista persona was just a huge pile of bullshit!

The bus of shame I frequently take the Lucena-Manila bus route, which takes about three to four hours. On long rides like this, I have this habit of emptying my pockets of everything—coins, cellphone and all—and putting them in my bag so I could sit comfortably and ride out the trip with minimal fuss. So there I was on such a trip, when the bus stopped at a way station so the engers could relieve themselves. So I went. Walking back I saw my bus leave. What the fuck?! I tried to run after it but to no avail. Damn, I was in trouble—my phone, all my money was in my bag and I left in the bus! I sprang into action and looked for another bus from the same company as my ride, and going to the same route as mine. I scrambled up to the driver and implored, “mama, kaya niyo bang habulin yung bus na yon, naiwanako nandun yung bag ko, wala akong ipapamasahe sa inyo.” The driver said no, there was no way he could catch up with the bus. I asked if they had a radio. He said no they didn’t, quite annoyingly. Right then I just found myself slumping on one of the chairs when I noticed a bag similar to mine down the aisle. It took me almost a full minute to realize that it was indeed my bag, that the bus I thought had left me was in fact another bus, and I was exactly in my bus! I looked around me and could see the other engers giving me curious looks. Well, I fucking ignored them. Bahala kayo, matutulog ako!

Multi-tasker gets busted It was nearing Election Day and we ran out of flyers for an uncle running for mayor. I was tasked to produce the shortage. With not much time left, I decided to print it myself using company resources. So while this brand-new super printer was doing its job, I surfed the Net for free porn s. More than one month of intense campaigning had deprived me of such simple pleasures. In no time I was lost in a sea of naked women flashing their juiciest bits. And then to my absolute horror I saw face staring through the glass partition! I hadn’t noticed the curtains weren’t there. It was the office security guard doing his rounds. Not only had he caught me using company resources for personal use, but also ing sleazy porn. I was forced to bribe my way out of the mess by burning disc after disc of porn s for the security guy. I hope blackmail wasn’t on his agenda!

Colegialas: Dangerous Doing pranks was a common thing when I was in high school. But to this day—six years past—there was one disgusting prank that none of us friends ever itted pulling. See, my friends and I lived in proximity to each other so every day after class we would all take the same FX route on our way home. One day, there were six of us who got to ride the same the FX. The aircon was on full-blast. We were chatty kids and that was what we were doing until halfway to our destination someone farted. It was, as described by one of my barkada, the ipit kind of fart, which meant that the smell was worse than the usual fart. Anyway, by the time the smell blanketed the cramped FX the only engers left were my friends and I. Kids that we were, we couldn’t help but laugh at what was happening. That was until the driver shouted, “Mga gago rin kayo noh! Uutot-utot kayo tatawa pa. Para kayong di nag-aaral sa Catholic school! Mga walang modo!” But the thing is, not one of us did the ugly deed, as we learned when we met and had a heart-to-heart talk the next day. Our suspicion was the foul bomb was dropped by this colegiala who alighted before the whole thing happened. Needless to say, that was not the last we heard from the driver. After bellowing to us to open all the windows, he kept on mumbling and would not listen to our cries of “Para!” and deliberately would let us off meters away. But it was sure one hell of a laugh trip!

Potter-nerd loses sense of reality I’m a Hogwarts student living in a muggle world. I’m from the mighty Gryfindor House and my best pals are the Weasley twins. See my Harry Potter addiction! My way of going to Hogwarts is through books and the movie. Anyway, let’s go back to reality. You can imagine the excitement I felt when I was among the horde that saw Order of the Phoenix on opening night. I got such a high that I was still in Potter mode when I got home and, apparently, when I woke up in the middle of the night with a bladder call. There I was, walking in a daze to the toilet when I espied two dark figures sneaking through the backdoor (turned out to be petty thieves). When I saw them my immediate reaction was to grab whatever long thing I could find and shout at the top of my voice, “Expelarmus!” I don’t know who among us was shocked more but I was able to scare them off. It was my bad luck that the rest of the household had heard me scream. My mom and dad asked me what I was screaming. My brother answered for me. “Harry Potter spell niya yon. Akala niya si Lord Voldemort nasa bahay.” Now, everyone in the family throws Potter spells at me. Nakakahiya! I wish I had Harry’s invisibility cloak!!

She is a he!

Christmas 2004, I suspect one of the most horrible holidays for my cousins—but not for me! It was the most hilarious! Here’s how it went: we went to a club in Makati upon the insistence of one of my cousins, who said he had been there and it was tops. True enough, it was teeming with women and we were soon on the prowl for someone to take away. An hour later—most of us were by then bored in the car, only one cousin continued with the search—our man came back, “Jackpot ‘to !” he said. We were ready to believe him except there was something strange in the hooker’s name. “You can call me Cheetah!” So we went to a secluded parking lot somewhere in the Fort to partake of this luscious flesh among us. I was unlucky enough to have to wait it out while my two other cousins gave her a go (Cheetah said she could take them both, no problem). I could tell she was sucking them both to the nines, and the boys loved it. When I couldn’t take the anticipation any longer, I crept up on the threesome and took Cheetah from behind. I slid my hand up her smooth thighs, ready to finger her wet snatch. But her snatch felt bizarrely different. There was something in there. Then it hit me—she was a HE! I groped his balls and dick! I was shocked. “T*ng ina mo Cheetah! May etits ka!” I was furious. My two cousins froze in horror. We got rid of Cheetah as swiftly as we could, with no guilt or remorse whatsoever. We had just become the victims of the moonlighting babes of Makati Avenue! But while I did get a feel of Cheetah’s balls, his mouth didn’t end up around my dick so I’m still whole…unlike my cousins. A big HA HA HA to them! Till this Christmas!

Man witnesses first rectal birth in transit! I was riding shotgun in a PUV van going to Laguna when we encountered heavy traffic at the Bicutan exit. Suddenly, the woman behind me asked the driver to pull over a gas station because she had to go. But the traffic was too heavy the driver estimated it would take at least an hour before we reached he nearest gas station. After about five minutes, the woman said painfully, “I can’t do it here!” Another lady enger advised her to just pee in a plastic bag. But everybody was shocked when she spilled the beans. “Nadudumi po ako.” Now that was something one shouldn’t hold in, especially in a cramped vehicle! You could sense that everybody in the van wanted to laugh but was ashamed to do so. Then a man told her to just do the thing inside the van because there was no way we could go faster. Everyone was amazed when the discomfited woman actually did as she was told! All windows were opened because of the very foul smell of the poo. And then there was silence. Then I heard the woman ask her boyfriend—she was with her boyfriend, and he was silent all that time—to “embrace me, embrace me,” to which the man hesitantly obliged. When we finally stopped at a gas station, she immediately went to the toilet to wash up. Everyone was in stitches by then!

Botch French Kissing! I was walking to my car at the parking lot near my school when I heard someone calling my name. I looked around saw my pretty classmate calling me. I approached her and realized that she was drinking along with some girls and guys. The thing was, she was the only one who was drunk and I thought then that the guys she was with were up to something. So after a few minutes of negotiation and a very hot argument with the guys (which nearly broke out into a fight), I was finally able to take her away. I would have wanted to drive her home but she was dead-drunk and I couldn’t ask her where she lived, so I decided I would take her to my house instead—with good intentions, of course. We arrived. I dragged her to my room, even asked my sister to clean her up. I had planned to check her phone to see if I can find out where she lived but the thought of taking her home in the state she was in made me change my mind. I went back to my room to check up on her. She was so drunk that I barely understood what she was murmuring. I was about to say goodnight when she suddenly kissed me. What could I do? I was turned on so I did a very lame act of kissing back. We went torrid for a while when I suddenly tasted something different but quite familiar in my mouth. Before I could react she lost it and vomited right into my mouth. My mouth! The taste was damnably, horribly disgusting. So much for being the Good Samaritan, so much for being a gentleman, I swear I won’t have anything to do with drunken girls ever again.

Beer Goggles Favor Gay irer It was a high school reunion held at a batchmate’s house. Everybody was so excited to see each other. We talked and shared our present experiences while drinking our all-time-favorite—beer! We didn’t notice that we’d already consumed almost five cases. I was already inside the car at 3AM, about to go home, when I felt the need to pee, so I asked my friends to wait for me. I was so drunk I couldn’t walk straight and could hardly open my eyes. When I got to the comfort room, I saw a lovely girl. She made me feel so hot and horny that I grabbed her arms and kissed her from neck up to the lips. I was so aroused that I hastily unlocked my zippers. I reach for her zippers, but was shocked when I felt a dick! It was too late when I realized that he was my gay batchmate who they say had a crush on me. I rushed back to my car. I couldn’t believe it happened! On my way home I kept on cursing myself for being too drunk!

Footprints give it away Going home from school, my girlfriend said she wanted to stop by our house. Hearing that, a spirit in me awakened. While having a chat in the sala she said she had to pee, so I accompanied her to the restroom and jokingly said, “May I come, too?” She just smiled and gave me a tantalizing look. Since my father was not home and my mother was in the office I went inside the restroom, too. We were enjoying our second round when I suddenly heard my father’s motorcycle. Just as I was about to get out of the restroom, I heard my father’s voice just outside the restroom door. I had no choice but to jump off from the restroom window. Good thing the grill was designed for fire exit and it was not locked! Pretending to be coming from the backyard I started calling my girlfriend’s name, who in turn had just flushed the toilet bowl. I asked her if she was done with her thing, loud enough to be heard by my dad, then accompanied her outside. When my girlfriend was gone my father called me to the restroom and pointed the wet footprints on the window jam. That was the time I heard my dad’s weirdest advice. He said, “Son, it’s not only in the sand that your foot can get printed.”

Maid spoils master’s fantasies When I was 17, we had a pretty maid who’d always wear miniskirts and see-through dresses. She was a year older than me, and my parents were taking care of her studies, too. There was a time when I came back from school and caught her sleeping on the couch sleep, her tiny blouse exposing her belly and a part of her breasts. Seeing this triggered me to go to the bathroom and jack myself off. I was about to come when I heard a noise coming from our living room. I ignored it and went on with my business. A few seconds later the bathroom door swung open. It was her, and she caught me doing the dirty deed! Shocked and embarrassed at the same time, I grabbed the tissue holder as I held on to my dear life, and then it popped! The thing is, she saw me in blitz and never said a thing. She just smiled. I came out of the bathroom with my head down. “Kumusta naman?” she asked with a smirk. I was never able to look straight in her eyes again.

Train in vain! This happened last summer on my way home to Laguna from school. To avoid traffic and get home early, I took the LRT. At the station, I saw this cute girl looking at me, so I also stared at her and told myself that I would ride in the same train as her to get her name and number. I saw her already waiting for the next

train, and the moment I got my ticket the train started beeping, warning that doors would close soon. I was about three meters away from the nearest door when it started closing, so I threw my shoulder bag in between, thinking if it sensed an obstruction it would open again, and thus I could get in. Luckily, it did get stuck. Unluckily, the door didn’t open! And I couldn’t take the bag off because the strap was hooked around my body. I couldn’t take it out! I almost fainted when the train started to move—I got dragged for more than two meters! The people inside the train started to look worried. Thank God the lady security guard whistled to make the train operator stop. Because of my embarrassment I waited for the next train. But that didn’t stop me from finding that cute girl again. After all it would be easier to introduce myself…as the guy who got stuck in the LRT door!

Dizzy boy gets obvious Being a responsible student in the morning and call center agent at night, I seldom get to hang out and drink with my officemates, until one day when my schedule was open. After our shift we went straight to the gimik spot nearby and drank our lungs out. Being the show-off that I was, I never ed a shot even though I had no sleep for the past few days because of work and school. It was still fine until we had to bid each other goodbye. So we parted ways while I still had to take a van before I could reach home. I was so drunk and sleepy that I fell asleep automatically once I got seated. In the middle of the long trip home, I suddenly awoke and felt dizzy, and the next thing I know I was vomiting my insides out…inside the van, at the backseat! My fellow engers rushed to make the van stop and got off immediately while I was soaking in mixed beer and pulutan mesh. I had to pay the driver additional P200 for the carwash and walked home with puke all over me! It really sucked!

Paintball game gets out of hand My cousins, friends and I had agreed to play paintball and capture it on video to make it look like a real war. Our team won the first round but lost the second round. So the third round was where the real war began, at the end of which we won. But unknown to us, the owner had confronted a person in the area, which resulted in a chase. My cousins ran to stop the owner from chasing the person, but after a while the person came back charging with a lot of “resbak,” one of them even holding a sumpak (a man-made gun). The owner suddenly went out with his own handgun and began pointing it at his adversaries. The person with the sumpak fired away. My cousin, who was at the back of the owner to stop him, suddenly ran back and moved to safety, afraid of being hit. When I looked behind, only my friend and I were outside the house. The worst part was, when the police arrived, the onlookers claimed that we were part of the conflict and were siding with the owner. We ended up in the police station to prove our innocence.

How to raise a baby genius! A few years back, I’d usually travel from my house in Cubao to my ex-girlfriend’s place in Bulacan during weekends. Tiring, but it always paid off since I always got the sexy time as my reward. We had to sneak to do the dirty deed, though, because her mom and two little stepbrothers were always home. One day, her mom asked us to take her two-year-old stepbrother out for a walk. Feeling hot for each other, I convinced

her to go to an unoccupied house just beside theirs. We left his little brother to wander around. As for the both of us? We went to the comfort room and started to make out and cuddle. She was giving me a smooth head when her brother appeared from nowhere, staring at us, with no underwear and—lo and behold!—with a hard-on! We were shocked that we immediately put our clothes on and carried the toddler back to the house. Unfortunate for the kid, he won’t be able to all the fine things he had seen. Or would he?

Rip it up and start again One good thing about being part of the college paper is you can always hang out inside the office and do your homework before the class starts. There was this one time while I was solving my algebra assignment in the office when I felt the urge to “let one go.” In order to cover the odor before it reached the other side, I lit a match. Within a couple of minutes I heard one of the teachers asking if anyone else smelled smoke. So I decided to throw the match in the trash bin. The professors got tired walking around their office, checking wires and wastebaskets, frantically looking for the “fire.” And when they decided to check our office, I was caught sitting on the chair with my algebra assignment, not knowing the trash bin behind me was starting to smoke. They sent me to the dean’s office right away accusing me of smoking inside the campus, but all went well when I cleaned my name by itting I just farted. Although, to this day, when they hear anything that sounds remotely like a body function, I’m always the primary suspect.

Top of the world! My mates and I were drinking at a friend’s place—a three-storey house with no other people but ourselves. There were five of us, all guys. So when the alcohol-meter reached its peak, my friends and I got crazy and picked up two hookers from nearby. We did a first in our barkada history: an orgy! And so the five-on-two assault began. One of our friends, who reed thin, literally surprised all of us with his big bird! Not that we’re gay or anything, but the funny thing was, it might well be the fattest part of his body! So the sex/laugh trip went on. And for some unexplained reason, my own “bird” did not get “angry” because of all the laughter that the situation had brought upon us! That was one of the most memorable experiences of our lives.

Mr. Excitement backfires My pretty and sexy wife was going back from a four-month vacation in the US. Two days before her arrival, I conditioned myself with lots of multivitamins, energy drink and manhood-invigorating meds, hoping they would improve my stamina and performance.So I was an hour early at the airport. I was beginning to feel drained so I took more of those vitamins and energy drink to keep me alive. When she arrived, we wasted no time and headed immediately to the nearby hotel I had reserved earlier. We showered together and went on with the deed. The vitamins were doing their job; my performance was incredible for the first round. But after a short break, it appeared my body could only take so much without rest. I dozed off while my wife took a shower preparing for our next round. I woke up eight hours later while she stayed up the whole time because of jet lag. She kept asking me if I had sex with other girls while she was away because I didn’t seem so excited about it. When I explained what had happened, she burst into laughter and understood.

Reflections I’ve always been more comfortable peeing in the cubicle than on urinals be it in the office or in the malls. One time, while doing so in the office, I noticed the floor tiles were so shiny that one could clearly see the reflection from the other cubicle. To my surprise, what I saw was a man standing as if he was peeing— because his hand was jerking more exorbitantly than usual! It was a no-brainer: It was an act of selfgratification. After a minute or two, the free porn show eased so I hurriedly got out of the CR but waited for the “star” of the short flick outside. When I saw my co-worker come out of the comfort room, I gave him the usual smile but with a feeling of an altruistic embarrassment for him. Since then, we still smile and talk a lot but now with a mischievous grin from me. I’m confessing his own secret after all, but not much for being voyeuristic.

Play with fire and you’ll get burned! I am a Zippo fanatic. In fact, I have four Zippos that I always play tricks with, other than of course using them for their primary function of lighting cigarettes. I when my wife bought me my very first Zippo as a gift. I was really curious how to play tricks with it that I even

browsed for some tutorials on YouTube. I watched plenty of tricks on the website and easily learned the ones for newbies. When I saw a video titled “The Flesh Torch Tutorial,” which was supposed to make your index finger light up literally like a torch, I thought this one was the dope, so I tried it out. The instructions were simple: Fill my Zippo with lighter fluid until it overflows. So I did exactly as I was told. Or so I thought. Every attempt just got worse, and on my last try, my entire hand was set on fire! I immediately rushed to the sink to take out the flame. The rust on my Zippo will forever remind me about this recklessness.

Choir boy’s ‘mic’ fails at sound check It was the birthday of my sexy choir mate. I love being with her because she’s cute and cuddly. Plus, she always gives me a friendly hug! So I came to her place and we had a drinking session with her friends. We played naughty games—kissing games and the like. It so happened she lost a round and had to kiss me… torridly. I didn’t give a response because I felt shy. But when she held my hand secretly to her friends, I touched and caressed her back and nape, then pulled the strap of her bra. Midnight came and her friends had to go. We started kissing like there’s no tomorrow. I played with her breasts and gave her my very first suck. In spite of all this, my cock didn’t seem to respond. The most nerve-racking part was when she requested me to go inside her. Still my Pedro wouldn’t wake! She giving me another head proved useless. A hand job and still of no avail. “Itago mo na lang yan, ayaw nang tumayo eh,” she said after a number of failed attempts. She was so disappointed and I was so embarrassed. And to think it was supposed to be my first time!

enger gets caught in a squeeze As part of the workforce, I often take the FX PUV every day at 5AM, from my home in Pasig City to my office in Makati City. One morning, I had a hard time getting a ride. It was only after a few minutes that I was able to do so. So there I was, in a cramped FX. I found myself taking the middle seat, where two heavyweights were already seated. As soon as I got in, we almost had the entire seat-for-four occupied. How I wished the driver wouldn’t let another enger in. But then halfway to my destination, there came this petite young lass, who was supposed to take the last vacant seat. We sure had a hard time fixing ourselves, and she sure had a hard time closing the door. Then off the FX went. A few seconds later, the young lass whispered in my ear, “Kuya, yung dede ko.” I sure did not know what to say, or what to do. I just blushed like hell.

Al-bitin and the Chipmunks! Ever since my girl and I broke up two years ago, I’ve never had a sexual encounter. The curse, I think, started one October night, during a post-exam, out-of-town inuman session. Things were getting hot between a hot classmate and I, especially after our friends started teasing us, “Kiss! Kiss!” Feeling a little tipsy, I kissed her in the cheek several times. When everybody fell asleep, I invited her to go upstairs to check out the place we were in. I started telling her stories about how brokenhearted I was. I lay my head on her shoulder, and the next thing I knew we were kissing ionately. I thought she’d refuse because she had a boyfriend at the time, but she did not. “Could you be my girlfriend for the day?” I asked her. Luckily, she answered yes. We kissed like mad in the elevator, kitchen, and balcony until we got inside the room, where our classmates were sleeping. We lay down on the floor, kissed her in the neck, my hands all over her body. As I was about to slide my hand inside her underwear, a classmate’s cellphone started ringing loudly. And the ringtone: The Chipmunks singing in chorus, which woke everyone up. Bitin!

Sylvester takes on tweety bird Ever had a dream that felt so real? I have. It was during this one night I slept over at my girlfriend’s house. You see, I like sleeping in the nude. As I slept, I dreamt that I was having sex with her. In this dream, I was tied naked to the bed while she was dressed in a sexy bunny outfit complete with a fur-tipped whip. She sat on my thighs and began to rub the whip’s furry tip on the shaft of my penis. She then proceeded to lick my balls. I got so horny especially since I could actually feel the of her tongue on my balls. Just when the dream was getting good, I suddenly woke up. When I looked down, I saw my girlfriend’s cat resting comfortably on my thigh, sniffing my balls while my dick stood rock-hard. I quickly the cat off the bed then wiped my balls with disgust, while my girlfriend slept cluelessly. Instead of this being one of the best sex dreams I ever had, it ended up being the first time I was sexually molested by a cat.

Dude misses warning sign My friends and I have a drinking session every Saturday night. One time, after having enough to drink, we all agreed to go to a girly bar; we just didn’t know where exactly. We took a cab and, since I was seated at

the front seat, I took charge. I told the taxi driver to just cruise along Buendia and we could find some good bars there. As we were moving, I saw this flashy, well-lit bar. I immediately asked the taxi driver to pull over. I approached the lady by the door and asked how much the entrance fee was. It was too late when I noticed a piece of bond paper at the entrance saying, “WANTED MALE DANCER.” I was shocked and realized the lady I was talking to was actually a dude. I ran back to the taxi and asked the driver to get us out of there. All my friends were laughing, aware of my slip-up. “Ang labo kasi ng mata mo!” they said.

Wrong ticket to ride I worked as a unit manager for a call center in Alabang and, after a year of tiring graveyard routine, I took a leave to go to my province. I paid for a round-trip ticket to Mindanao in advance to avoid the hassles of flight reservation issues; and under any circumstance that my boss would declare an emergency, I could easily get back in course to attend to it. So I only had about four days to attend to my old friends, relatives and family. After the New Year’s eve, my boss sent me a text message, asking me to complete my monthly “deliverables” over the next two days in the office. To my dismay, I packed up my bags and everyone volunteered to drive me to the airport the next morning. Everyone was in tears as I approached the guy at the boarding counter and surrendered my plane ticket. With a surprised look, the man showed it to his peers as if trying to validate it for security, encircled something on it and silently slid the ticket back under my sleeves. He then declared: “Sir, bukas pa po yung flight niyo!”

Box of filth surprises mother and son My mom was doing a general cleaning of the house one day when she shouted, “Anak, ano itong mga DVD sa shoebox mo? Itatapon ko na ba?” My heart pounded heavily and I turned red, because the shoebox she was talking about was where I hid my Hentai collection. I walked toward her slowly, and as I watched her staring at the cover images one by one, I felt like melting. Thank God she didn’t say a word and returned the DVDs in the shoeboxes. She just laughed hard and told me, “Anak, sa susunod na magtatago ka ng cartoons mo, ilagay mo na lang sa CD rack. Bibilhan pa kita kung gusto mo, ha ha!” Up to now I’m still confused why she let it .

Trainspotting You can call me a two-timer. One night, I accompanied my ”back-up” girlfriend to Cubao. We took the MRT. There were no seats around so my “back-up” girlfriend wrapped her arms around my waist. Somewhere between the Ortigas and Shaw stations, I caught this familiar girl staring at me. Before I realized who she was, she shouted, “Sino yang kasama mo?” It was my girlfriend! But the plot was going to be more twisted than I had expected: There’s another set of arms wrapped around her! I blurted back, “Ano? Eh sino yang kasama mo?” “Ex ko lang yun; wag mo pansinin! Inggit lang sa iyo yun kasi mas maganda ka sa kanya,” I told my “back-up” girlfriend. My “girlfriend” yelled back, “Ex mo? Talaga? Excuse me!” She and her other boyfriend went down the train at the next station. As the door closed, she showed me her middle finger from the outside of the train. That’s the last time I ever saw her. After the incident, I swore I wouldn’t be a two-timer anymore.

Panty Heist Gone Wrong My girlfriend and I once celebrated our monthsary at their house by watching romance DVDs, after which we had very steamy sex. After we both had climaxed, I begged her to let me keep her undies as her monthsary gift but she declined. But I really wanted it as remembrance so while she was dres after a bath, I excused myself and went to the restroom, where I knew she hung her used underwear. After I had pocketed my treasure, I returned to her room acting as if nothing happened. Once inside I decided to my girl, who was now lying on her bed. When she turned to hug me, I pulled off the undies and started smelling it to tease her. At first, she was shocked but then started laughing. Confused, I inspected the panty and realized that, although it was the same color as the one she was wearing earlier, it was way bigger than her waistline. This is not hers for sure. “Sa katulong namin iyan!” she told me while laughing her eyes out. “Nasa washing machine na yung suot ko kanina.” I was stunned and immediately stormed to the restroom again to wash my face.

Weird tea baffles thesis maker My classmates and I slept over at a group mate’s house after working on our thesis. Due to lack of space, we were confined to the host’s room. I woke up at 4AM feeling the need to pee, but hesitated to go to the comfort room because I’d have to walk through his siblings, who were all sound asleep in the sala. A brilliant idea came upon me when I saw a bottle of green tea: Pee in it. Then put it on the windowsill so I’d be reminded the next to throw it away. I went back to sleep and woke up around 8AM. A horrible sight greeted me: A group mate was drinking from the bottle I’d peed on! It was too late to stop him, so I just kept mum. But that’s not to say I didn’t share the story to my other group mates. We laughed our ass off when the poor dude said, “Iba na pala lasa ng green tea na yan pag hindi na ganun kalamig ’no? Parang may amoy na siya.” Soon I had to tell him the truth, and as soon as I did he threw the bottle out the window and brushed his teeth till his mouth bled.

Koreans Do It Better I am a Chief Mate onboard a Panamanian Flag vessel. This happened one day when our ship safely berthed at Sancheonpo port in Korea to discharge our cargo, which is coal in bulk from Australia. A cadet and I got a chance for shore leave, and while getting some chow at a buffet restaurant, we sat across two pretty Korean young ladies who wouldn’t stop staring at us. Halfway through our dinner, one of them came over

to our table and apologized for staring. They explained that my companion was a dead-ringer for her friend’s boyfriend who had just died in a car accident. We asked if there was anything we could do to console her. She said it would really mean a lot if we could just wave goodbye to them when they leave. So we agreed. A few moments later, the two young ladies walked out, and so, we waved. Later, when the waitress brought us the bill, we learned that the two young ladies had put their meals and drinks dinner on our tab.

Name-calling: risky! It happened several years ago when I was still a freshman in college. It was the first day of classes and as a typical social animal, I chatted with my seatmate. On the very first day, we had a pop quiz. The professor later announced the results—and then I heard him say, “Mr. Baluga, 86 percent!” I laughed hard and told my seatmate, “Ang pangit ng pangalan ’no? Baluga! Ha ha ha!” He didn’t say a word and I felt stupid for laughing on something that he didn’t find funny. The next day, the professor checked the attendance by roll call. He called the name Baluga, and guess who raised his hand? My seatmate! I was so ashamed that I asked another classmate to change seats with me. I promised never to laugh at anyone’s name again.

Team Jinx

I am a call center agent. After literally having beer for breakfast one day, most of my office mates decided to go home at around noon. Already tipsy and sleepy, I was about to hitch a ride back home with a colleague when he and our boss decided to stay at the bar for a round of flirting with the honeys. Left with no choice, I stayed and ed in another round of inuman—as the reluctant wingman of the group. Everything else changed when we talked to our targets. My stress and weariness just disappeared. But then, swigging just a few bottles of beer, the girls started talking nonsense. I knew right there that the hook-up would end a failure. Expectedly, the girls soon left. My officemate was so upset he tried his luck on other girls inside the bar, which didn’t work as well. It was around 4PM already so we decided to go home. While driving along Commonwealth Avenue, bad luck again struck us—my officemate’s car overheated and stopped in the middle of the killer highway at rush hour! Left without a choice again, I ended pushing his car—drunk! Horrible. I believe we were really designed for failure that day.

Ticket to bribe On my way to the office, I stopped by Quiapo to buy new porn titles for later that night. I placed the DVDXs in the enger’s seat and drove off. While I was cruising along Taft Avenue, a police officer pulled me over for a traffic violation. My offense: beating the red light. “Lisensiya mo,” he demanded. So I gave him my license and waited for him to start writing me a ticket. Then, oddly enough, he looked at me straight in the eye for what seemed like a hundred years without saying a word. Then he hinted he was open for negotiations when he said, “Tsk! Tsk! P2,000 rin tubos nito, may seminar pa!” “Ganoon po ba? Sige po,” I replied. “Teka! Hindi pa ako tapos, buong araw ang seminar niyan, ikaw magpapa-schedule. Ang laking abala nito. Tsk! Tsk! Ano, titiketan na kita?” I knew what he was getting at but the thing was the only money I had was P17. When I gave him a go to write me the ticket, he appealed and said, “Ano, wala ka ba riyan?” So I said, “Wala po talaga akong pera sir, pasensiya na. Ticket na lang po.” That’s when his eyes wandered around my car, spotting the X-rated DVDs. “Sige, yan na lang DVD. Puwede na yan!” So I handed them to him and drove away—devoid of what could’ve been a very entertaining night.

When Shit Gits the Floor I was busy doing office work when I felt an uncontrollable grumbling in my stomach. I was starting to feel goosebumps on my skin and sweated terribly, so I rushed to the comfort room. Fortunately, the coast was clear. I unbuckled my tros, sat comfortably on the crapper and let it out. Relief was instant. But when I was about to complete my number 2 duties, the damn fire alarm broke at the most unfortunate time. Scared shitless of being roasted alive in the loo, I promptly stood up without bothering to flush and wash my bum, pulled up my pants and ran the hell out of the building, even leaving dribbles of shit behind me. Imagine my dismay when the officer declared that all the commotion was the fault of a stupid kid, who toyed with the alarm system.

Smooth Criminal I went to a bookstore with a friend to buy a poster. As I paid for it, I saw a promo leaflet near the cashier. I got one and kept it in my bag. I saw another brochure that was about gadgets so I handed it to my friend, which she also slid in her bag. I scanned through its pages as we were on our way out of the bookstore. Nginitian lang ako nung guard as I asked him if he needed to put a stamp on my receipt, so I kept on reading while walking out of the place. When I was on the last page and turned to the back cover, “May presyo!” I shockingly declared. I looked back and saw the same guard walking behind us. We panicked. So

like crazy fools, we ran out of the mall fearing the guards would come after us. I’m never going back to that store again. They may already have wanted sign posters there for my head. But hey, hindi ko sinasadya!

Truly, madly, briefly I had a spontaneous drinking session with a friend one time at his house. Since we drank late into the night, I decided to sleep over. The next day, my friend told me his classmates were coming over to work on a school project. So I borrowed clothes from him and took a shower while he went out to buy merienda. When I finished taking a bath, I realized he didn’t lend me underwear! I tried searching his room but couldn’t find where he kept his knickers so I decided to go commando under his basketball shorts. His classmates knocked earlier than expected . I opened the door and they started on their project on the floor. I ed them and helped them out, even talked and had a laugh with a couple of his cute friends. While sitting on the floor, I noticed one girl staring at you-know-where. When I looked down, I saw that the shorts I was wearing had a hole in it! I didn’t even try to analyze how much of my dick was showing when I stood up and went to the bathroom. I put on my pants and sneaked out the house. To this day I keep running the scene on loop in my head, trying to figure out who else might’ve seen my peeping penis.

Going Mansanas

My friend and I were at a dinner party hosted by her aunt. There were a lot of people and the party was in full swing. Tita, visibly pleased at how great her party was going, signaled to the maid to bring out her special lechon for carving. She called the maid back, realizing the importance of the entrance of her special suckling pig to the success of her party. She badgered the maid, “Wag kalimutan! Yung mansanas sa bibig! Mansanas sa bibig!” she was hell-bent on making this party perfect. True enough, the grand entrance of the roasted lechon was a sight to behold: piled high on a silver platter, proudly carried by the maid while the crisp, red apple was clenched between her jaws.

Loud Mouth

I was at a friend’s birthday party when I got pretty drunk and loud. Trying to mingle, a friend and I started talking to this group of girls. One of them a gorgeous half-Pinay, half-Indian honey that seemed to like flirting with us. Tipsy and unaware of the volume of my voice, I pulled my friend aside and told him, “Puwede na yang si Slumdog pare!” referring to the Indian lass and using the flick movie Slumdog Millionaire as code. The girl heard me quite clearly and she screamed, “I heard you!” The party suddenly turned quiet, all eyes staring at me. Embarrassed and put on the spot I simply said, “No, I meant that as a compliment.” Needless to say, I dug myself into a far deeper hole.