Grey Clouds For Ann 6m2d4z

Copyright © 2014 by Brigette Ann.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014910088 ISBN: Hardcover 978-1-4990-3067-9 Softcover 978-1-4990-3068-6 eBook 978-1-4990-3066-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Rev. date: 05/30/2014

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Contents

Dedication

Michael

As Long as I’m living With You

Day Dreamer

Grey Clouds for Ann

Sweet and Twenty

A Letter to the Cheater

Heaven’s Tears

Colour Me

Antonio

The Man with Two Faces

Valley of Shadows

The Piece I’ve Found…

Fifteen

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all the people that I have met both the good and bad. You are the inspiration to my pen and paper, and most importantly my thoughts.

Special dedication to: Brigette my mother and Christopher my brother.

Brigette

Purpose, what is my purpose in life? Why was I made? What does God want me to do? Is there a higher calling for me? All these questions I ask myself and God And it seems to me that the answers are hard to get Or are the answers right in front of me? Or do I have to wait longer Why do I have to wait so long? Is God punishing me? If he is, then what is or was it that I’ve done to deserve this? If there is a path that I must go, where is it? I don’t know where to start or where I am going Is life always going to be this way? God please answer me, I don’t know what to do I’m lost I don’t want to live like this anymore I want to get back to God and let Him be my personal friend God show me how to do this.

I’m leaving on the next flight out Saying goodbye won’t be so hard to do I’m taking my first step to total happiness From here on now it will be easier Never looking back is what I’ll do My journey is a never ending story All I need is love and God in life I’m making it now with no regrets.

Every day is the same old thing The same routine and expectations My life is dull lost its flavour Just so bland no room to savour Things that excite they do no more. Just ing by without a care in the world. Am I so pathetic for being a solitaire? Not accepting everything that comes my way The same routine disguise my age Rack my brain wrinkles my skin Is it ever going to end? Should I accept it and move on? Is this it? Is this it?

I’m patiently waiting for the moment The moment when God decides to use me Use me to do His will; be His vessel I’m waiting patiently for the moment That day when God welcomes me home My home in heaven where I can rest.

While I’m waiting I’m trying to make To make my life right with God and it is It is a struggle I know it wouldn’t be easy While I’, waiting I’m trying to make Make it right with God who knew That it was this hard.

While I’m waiting for the moment To make my life right with God I’m fighting my inner demons And I’m winning with His help With His help my life is going to be Going to be right so when the

Moment comes I’ll be ready Ready to go home.

Michael

When we first met it was just hello Then you took my hand and we became something more You kissed my lips, you touched my body And everything became so cloudy

Our mouths said friendship but my heart says love I want to know does your heart say more. How I daze into the cloudy sky Wishing I was yours and you were mine Sometimes I want to hold you and never let go My eyes say yes but your body says no I’m going insane and I try to hide it I want to give you crazy love But oh it’s hard to fight it.

You say “I don’t want to hurt you” But that’s what you’re doing You play games with me and my feelings

I want you more than just a friend I want you, your body, your soul, your whole being And yet you’ll never know how I’m feeling.

As Long as I’m living With You

Everyday I’m being punished for the decisions that you make For the vow you won’t break For the tolerance I have to take For the hours I have to spare For youthful days I’ll never enjoy For the annoyance you employ As long as I’m living with you.

Everyday I’m being tortured for the things you do For those kisses you give For the hours spent that make my mind bleed For the words flying out your mouth For the times I cry ENOUGH! As long as I’m living with you.

Day Dreamer

When reality has nothing to grant me pleasure I slip into my world of unprecedented desires. When reality has bashed me for who I am I fade away to a place where everyone is equal No one to compare me with pigs or animals that God Himself has forbidden No one to despise me because I’m innocent No one to malice me because I’m jovial No one to hate me because I’m me.

When reality has seem too cruel a world to face I dig my eyes into the sky to find my comfort When reality decided to make me impoverish My valiant imagination has made me brawny Even when reality has caused me to ache Daydreaming just seem to ease the pain And when reality decided to make me poor My whimsical mind has brought me wealth Reality said I need a comeuppance

Fantasy judged me not. For what it’s worth reality slapped me in the face Crushed my fragile heart, dashed my dreams and spat on me But when I need comfort, strength, and courage I fluctuate to my world of green

If only my daydreams could be real Then maybe I would have something to look forward to without being disappointed Maybe I’d be the most exuberant person life has to offer But then again, what would be the reason to daydream.

Grey Clouds for Ann

Ann, why are your days filled with sadness, Happiness that seems perpetual only last for the moment Why do you fight battles that you are oblivious to? And go places where you don’t belong Ypou seem to think that life is filled with colourless moments Having no meaning to you Accepting challenges that cause adversities Living on grey skies. Oh Ann, you think the world has nothing to offer but anguish For all your days you have to struggle with life’s adversaries Paying for the sins of your fellow men. There is no vigour left to fight or even care You wonder why God allows these paths in your life You wonder if God still cares You wonder when it’s going to end When are your days going to be clear? Are you ever going to be happy Ann? Is happiness just a dream?

Are your grey clouds real? Is this how your life forever will be? Why Ann, why? Why must there be grey clouds for you?

It’s so hard to leave the one you love The one who has your heart But to make our lives better We have to part Don’t say good- bye I won’t be gone for long If you believe I left you alone Then you’re wrong

I’ll never leave you I’ll carry you with me in my heart And think of you with every beat For that’s how we were from the start You are more precious to me than fine jewellery And I cherish every happy memory So don’t say good-bye this is only temporary I’ll see you again to share the precious moments.

I came to the country where or English contradicts each other Our spelling, pronunciation, and even our grammar A place where what children says goes And are called the baby animal of goats.

I came to the country where there is no such thing as discipline And even if there is, they are afraid to say such a thing Where some immigrants come and forget their origins For they think their roots are intentional sins.

The country where everyone comes and seems to forget They act like their lives in their land was one big regret No one re what a great feeling it is to drink water straight from the pipe And eat fruits and vegetables that are not force ripe The great fresh air No racial fear When everyone has manners and filled with cheer

This is the country where no on is sir, miss, or madam Where the name of a beloved game that is played by the foot Is given to a game that is played by the hand. What a life to live in this country And I thank God I haven’t forgotten mine How I miss my beautiful country where almost everything is done right It will always be on my mind.

The darkness within just haunts me everyday I close my eyes and there it is driving me insane Overcoming it is a bold step that I must take For it morphs on me until I become fake

It covers my heart and I turn cold From within it creeps out and starts to mould Mould me into someone that no one knows Possessing my body like a bacterium it grows.

My demeanour has caused my indifference It stifles my mind denial is my defence Forgiveness forever will be out of the question For darkness and hate had filled that section

What is the solution to my pain? There is too much garbage that has left a stain Yet the beast must not win.

They took my innocence Perverted my young mind Corrupted my soul with lascivious ion Robbed me of my joy.

They have touched my young body Raped my world of green Transformed my love to hate Caused my guilt and shame.

They have created my self-hatred Bashed my self-esteem Knowledge morph to ignorance Stole my life’s treasure

They murderd me with their perversion Molested my tender body Intiate my fornication Brought my lust for YOU

They thirst to fulfil their hungry desire I was the victim The sweet young meat to cure their yearning I was the victim

They do not care to say “sorry” For they have no regrets I feel betrayed and furious The monsters have no remorse

Now I live no trust in you For I must protect the heart Protect the innocence Protect the child who wants to survive

For the perverts who corrupted me, robed me, touched me, raped me, transformed me, molested me, thirsted for me Must not take it all And what is left of me Must and will survive Despite the horror that binds me.

She left without saying good-bye Cheeks flushed tears in her eyes Tears of joy and freedom Now she’s going home A place where love dwells She finally took that step Not afraid to open her eyes To face the world and reality Now that she’s finally let go She feels safe to be her again, to love again, to…..

…and every time you leave my heart cries I hide the tears as I watch the shadows disappear What seemed like a moment felt like eternity And I felt like how a child is supposed to feel

Each visit ending with me feeling “that way” Must I always watch you exit that way And I wish mommy and daddy would stay

Now I turn away so I can’t see you leave again No longer will I watch your shadows disappear Yet my heart aches And I must tell how I feel

Poverty is what kept us apart I must tell grandma good-bye to be with you Never to face the agony of your departure Happiness came my way when we dwelled together Thought it was a fairy tale Divorce knocked at our door, you welcomed I it in

And I felt like how a child is supposed to feel.

Must I be judged by the colour of my skin? By the texture of my hair By my origin or my religion Should I be judged by the way I speak? By the way I dress By the height of my intelligence?

Why should people be grouped accordingly? Why should I be a minority? Why must YOU classify others minority? Why should I be called the black, the white, the Latina, the… Can’t I be without being a colour in your sentence?

Must my life be on trial? Is the world my courthouse? Where are the jurors? And justice is aspirated into nothing.

Sweet and Twenty

Happy birthday Ann you get another year Reminiscing on past times that have brought you here They have made you grateful for this moment You never burned your bridges For what is left behind kept you going.

You are thankful for the people who love you Gracious for the ones who hate you Merciful to the ones who betrayed you Mindful of the ones who mistreated you

Your character your personality has brought you this far Keep on striving and I know you’ll make it farther A wonderful young woman you turned out to be Genuine, honest, full of integrity

This is where you open the door Be free, independent and explore

Enjoy this year it only come once So go ahead take the world into your hands For your not just twenty, you are sweet and twenty.

A Letter to the Cheater

Dear cheater, How could you have done such a horrendous thing Gave your attention to a woman who took your soul How she lured you into her web Enticed you with her mystical body She fed on your lust The more you gave the more she took You neglected the one who loved you And now here I am burdened by your infidelity Grieved our lost love Overwhelmed by your actions yet somehow I found the strength to live. Yet here you are Sleeping with me tonight I must end this madness I cannot leave, your words ceases me

Now I watch as you go down the earth I was not alone

Her infectious kiss sent you off I stood and watch that smile on your face Even in your grave, even in your damn grave Disgusted, I killed you twice.

I want to know what it feels like to be in love To long for my lovers sensual touch The lingering scent of his skin The softness of his lips To know what it feels like to be missed To look into the eyes of hunger Craving for each other’s ion.

I want to be loved and mean something to him Not just to be a convenience Someone who would love me just the way I am appreciates the things I do Overflowing with honesty, trust, and love, and love, and love.

Heaven’s Tears

Tears from heaven beating on my pane Sweet music from the radio soothed my soul And I felt…and I felt…and I felt numb Suddenly I became aware that I was alone Then heaven’s tears became my own.

The dreadful feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me Fear of a loveless life lashed my heart I turned the music off to end this tragedy Fear was the enemy all at once known Then heaven’s tears became my own.

I was swallowed up in the pit of emotions Heaven must have felt sorry for me Showers of sympathy for my despair Hopeless, I began to mourn Then heaven’s tears became my own

Slowly the downpour ceases The wonderful scent of the earth filled my nostrils With a sigh of relief I went outside the once hidden sun began to smile The garden smell me me high, so I soared For heaven’s tears were no more

Colour Me

I came to the land of opportunity where I am a colour before anything else And my morality is taken into question Forever labelled accordingly when on this land For my views, my individuality, my intelligence, my identity, is not seen first because such things are not as important My colour matters before these It determines who I am before I AM Opportunity must colour me into character I am nothing without it My colour makes me and breaks me It is my life I was “one people” but this is not enough Opportunity singled me out and painted me minority For this must be before I live So she coloured me and coloured me she did.

Antonio

Man of many stories you are Travelled here from so far I’ve watched you and began pondering Now that you cane closer I found you intriguing I want to know you better my dear Antonio Don’t forget me even though I have to go No matter the distance I still want to know More about the man of many stories… Antonio

Years of depression weighs my soul There’s nothing left to do but cry There’s a hole in me that grows and deepens Emptiness consumes me into oblivion And Ann is no more

Music soothes the aching soul It takes your mind on a journey Erases all troubles in just that moment Then in that moment you are free.

Is this good-bye? All the years of pain finally struck your heart For it was too much to bear And suddenly the past became the present then the future forgotten The lost child does not want to be found And heartache was found Misery caught up and took its place The thought of leaping creased your mind The haberdashery of your soul possess tools of sorrow Weapons of fear and isolation The incomplete being hungers to be made whole The desire to live is eaten by the monster Despair Should I do it take the step that could end it all But I must say good-bye first No The bags are too heavy to carry up this hill I must unload the sureties of this sad life But I can’t it’s too heavy to even take off.

I am the desk written on, I am the chair he is sitting on, I am the floor you walk on, the door in the wall. I am the woman beside him, I am the teacher, watch me teach, I am the words that I speak, that I write, that I think, I am the one you are looking for.

…say for example the word bridge, the short, narrow, rocky way. The path some people die miserably, the one minute drive from fear to calmness, one dreaded cross to make. Some people hated the bridge they know, some people love the bridge they know, one minute to decide if you should cross, but, there’s no way to turn back; cross or die. Don’t be nervous to cross this bridge Yu may strike a nerve and plunge to your death. If you are composed just one minute to cross and off you go, the bridge suddenly forgotten, you wonder what the panic was about, and everyone else is just a fool.

The Man with Two Faces

It is difficult to every piece of my childhood, She is the one who would patiently solve the mystery Recollecting events of your selfish gestures For years she told me of your insolence A child to reason your whoredom. In my eyes you were more than just a man You were not my traitor but I feared you. Through the window I saw the man I loved, My protector, my provider, my father. When she left I knew it was for my future, Somehow you made her my enemy I knew it not. She is my mother, I wanted to hate her, I hated her, but I loved her. You replaced her; I depended on you, When shame from my sins brutalised me; I depended on you I took the mother, spared the sister And I played house.

Brother, sister, left father Reunited with mother, father was no longer. How you tried to manipulate, Forgetting I’m no longer a child. I speak my own words, I now have a voice. Slowly I see the man you hid from me,

Intensions to chop the family tree, You to put me six feet under, My soul you tagged for sale. I to protect I, I to fight you, I to see you no longer as a man, No longer as a father, but a stranger in the midst. The lie that was my truth, The truth that is a lie, the truth that is true.

The man with two faces.

The masks I wear Life is my theatre, I perform this play. My costumes, my props, the audience, Know these characters intimately, First row, the best seats in the house. I direct, I write, I produce, I am the star of the show. Tragedy, horror, comedy, melodrama, It has it all. And the critics, they critique. Upon this stage triptych scenes display A tableau to inspect the details, Perfection, errors, a psychopath on a mission. My goddamn life is a black box setting, And it’s a sold out show. Broadway has no space, is not unsafe enough to fit me in, Sex, lies, truth, fake, bullshit, love, hate, murder, The crowds the roar “encore, encore!” Damn idiots.

My life is so entertaining t deserve a EGOT, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, I deserve them all. Must I end this obscenity that is called my life? I love every moment of it, And the people shout “The show must go on!”

Valley of Shadows

In the dark I feel you I stand there fearing the unknown Your presence conflicts my mind I am left to trivia your unwelcome. But we are not alone.

I feel you growing inside me, Trying to take over my body. From that dark hallow place you were formed, The labyrinth of my soul.

Slowly my mortal parts become possessed, Your desire for me I must resist. But your lips so sweet, hypnotise. And evil becomes me and I it.

The Piece I’ve Found…

is the boat I built for my freedom, I have to sail the deep waters, Battle rigorous storms, paddle for dear life. This boat I must use to find my destiny, Start a new life, Leave the old world, start my revolution. Just my body, my soul, I take with me, For the bags I had burdened my life. No life jackets for me, I must risk it all, my life, and my liberty. To take a boat that might not make the journey.

I sit, I write, With pen in hand, and mind occupied. Disappointments life ushered, Bitterness of betrayal too much to bear. I think, I write, with pen in hand. And heart shattered, Treachery disguised as love, O how I dread this damn melancholy. I think, I write, I sit, I write, with pen in hand, I begin to…

Fifteen

I tried to forgive him. Years of fear and shame, Hate transformed the virgin, A sinner now I am. Demons haunt me, poison my soul, Lusting for what is unknown Trying to fill a void, the dark soul. Sex was priority. My refuse to forgive, I will never forget. Betrayal, hatred, evil, Stone cold heart, my own traitor. I refused to love, no don’t fall in love, I refuse to be a victim of love. I refused to ever think of love, He stained my mind, I am not pure for love. I tried to forgive him. Why must I forgive?

Rape, molest, abuse, sex, fornication, They are the same.

I tried to forgive him. Fifteen years. I forgive him, I was dying, I was committing suicides.

My mind, my heart, my soul was killing themselves.

I am now alive, I forgive him, I must live. I am fre from my past, Breathing is not so hard anymore. I shall live, stop existing It’s a new beginning, I shall live, I shall live, I must live.

My mind travels, destination unknown, To the places I cannot go it goes. I feel safe even when I get lost, For it is in getting lost I am getting somewhere. Am I losing my mind? Yes, mind travelling is senile. Crazy people love long distances, No, mind travelling is creativity, A way to express my emotions.

I’m on the bus going to school.