I Shouldn't Be Doing This c5w

A first collection of things that made it feel better to be alive By Mary Burgardt

One day I was driving my car thinking about this book. I thought, Who am I writing about? When I write, who is my writing for? Is there someone I am trying to reach? Is there someone I want to persuade? I said to myself, “I guess I write for whoever is reading” And then quickly corrected it My writing is for me and should only be for me I am trying to reach myself I write this to persuade myself You may find some material sensitive and some material may offend you based on your relation to me and for that I embrace you with my arms This book is dedicated to all the things I should not be doing And the hope that one day I will do better things I have to go now They are deep frying testicles on Food network

I the night In your always dark dark room you Looked over me and stopped Kissing me and said “You are very beautiful” You didn’t contract your words, you didn’t say it To win an Academy Award you Just said it If we are just two hedonists “Meeting needs for each other” And “At least we both it it” Tell me What need were you trying to meet

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Sciatic nerve damage Lumbar vertebrae disc fracture Vitamin A deficiency UTI that I never had that turned into a deadly bladder infection Schizophrenia Abdominal abscess Ovarian cancer Stroke Heart attack Lethal (???) cyst on the side of my hand Hypertension Ectopic pregnancy Brain tumor Concussion Vertigo

I WENT OUT AND PICKED UP SOME VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS AND I WAS LEAVING A BUILDING AND I HEARD SOME MAN YELL AT ME HEY SEXY AND I DID NOT UNDERSTAND IF HE THOUGHT I WAS SEXY OR IF HE WAS MAKING FUN OF ME AND I FELT BAD ABOUT THAT BUT I LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME I AM NOT SEXY I AM THE WAY THAT COFFEE MOLDS IN YOUR COFFEE POT AFTER TOO MANY DAYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE A PERSON LIKE ME I AM NEON YELLOW PAPER THAT IS HARSH ON THE EYES I HAVE LOVED PEOPLE MORE DEEPLY THAN CANALS KISS MY BIG CELLULITE ASS I AM WHAT THE WIND IS MADE OF I AM THE ATOM THAT STARTED THE BIG BANG WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU

I sat on your bed instead of my bed because it felt like a better place to be to be reading and writing and trying my best to be imaginative I crawled out from under him in the middle of the night because I was too hot and too restlessly uncomfortable Sometimes life is like that

I slept in your bed alone because it felt like a better place to be

The first time I ever felt a man's tongue I had just turned fifteen and also Had just been defeated in a life-changing game of Connect Four in my bright yellow kitchen (The same yellow would soon feel much less happy) It was a little too wet and as expected a bit unpleasant It was self-doubt and lack of comfort And I was a petri dish under a microscope 200x I was unclean I was ashamed Christian Guilt was always much more impenetrable than you’d think. This is why you've got to hold me in a way that is convincing I've heard people sing "if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float" But you are already an ocean (I am busy teaching myself to drown) He plays football two towns away and sleeps with his pet snake and when he masturbates no one can be certain which NFL jersey he is thinking of He hasn’t known what it is like to be alone in seven years He is unable to be alone But I can be alone

coward

There is a particular patch of road On the Pennsylvania turnpike just after one of the toll booths Where I return to one of the most damaging days I ever lived

My father is no longer a brother and no longer a son he is not an uncle, my father is a husband and a true dad to only half of the children which his sperm had ever evolved to. Mostly, he is a husband.

Sometimes your fingers smell like cigarettes and then you put them inside of me

I SEARCHED FAR AND WIDE FOR THE BIGGEST SNOW PILE and I wanted to share it with you This is the biggest snow pile It is bigger than my average taco bell order IT IS COLD AND dirty LIKE THIS WINTER HAS BEEN

When this winter comes to an end I will buy a fresh cucumber and place slices over my eyelids Reducing puffiness and pulling out all the toxins of the fear that these few months have instilled into me Hopefully I drive miles on miles and I stare into your face I could cry right now because you are too beautiful You are small and full of things I am not full of anymore Precious child you are growing Precious child your homemade books that promote recycling and protecting the world are beautiful and in my mind I make my homemade books to remind myself of how I can best protect you You do not understand what keeps your oldest sister up at night Neither of us understand but we can Still make funny dough by mixing corn starch with water Yes I will play Mad Libs with you in your closet staying up too late until both hemispheres of my brain catch fire thinking of new words No amount of miles or dollar bills or cigarettes I am hiding for the weekend or questionable old toll booth men hitting on me asking prying questions about why my hair is blue could ever keep me away or keep you away from this place in my heart that builds a fire only to make you the perfect s’mores “Always that you can be whatever you feel like being. You don’t ever have to do what other people expect of you.” “Sometimes I am afraid to grow up” “Sometimes, I am afraid of it too.”

I hate everything I’ve ever written about you because it never does you justice

I am so nervous I could bite off my own arm Can you see me walking already? Where are you Okay I better go inside now I wonder if you’re already here Try not to look around you want him to see you first Is my ass hanging out? Oh my god Is that That is him, that has to be him He looks nervous too he looks like an angel He is super-human and beautiful look at his arms Why does he need to meet girls from the internet like me Probably would pay him $30 or something to play Tony Hawk pro skater together Is this the same person I have been treating so apathetically and now, just wow I want to sit on your lap someday and be something that matters

I am in the throes of you I am a soldier ready for combat standing in a trench scattered with knives I am trudging through the mud without even wearing my boots I smile and think, “I love this dirt between my toes.”

It is 6 in the morning and I should be at the factory, working We are too busy deciding whether or not we are humans. I am allowed to love you before dusk at the times when we are still invisible Before the haze of transformation twirls us around and we are ugly ducklings again I always wish I can love you in the morning With your anime turned down just so low The first night we kissed you looked at me and said “KISS ME STOP BEING A PUSSY” But my lips were too soft And you were looking for something to destroy you Well I love you too much to do it

In this place where I am, it has been a dismal room and most things are scary For every time I have felt full, you are what makes me feel that I am overflowing You and I We are rough and tough and we were cut from the same jagged wood (you know how they say) You will always be warm to the touch If you are ever confused by your influence, If you ever want to reject the love you are given, When you say, “I’m nothing but a liar and my life is covered with ugly” Well You are loved Because it is easy to love a thing After watching it die and spring back to life

A Stream of Consciousness Writing About My First Love The color blue Alice in Wonderland Gun enthusiast (the first in a chain of probably 10 more) Bad Religion Geometric bed sheets blue and black Amazing atheist videos and Zeitgeist You are an idiot oh my god But also I tried to get you to go to church and I still feel sore about it Swastika tattoo “but it isn’t for Nazism it’s for Hinduism and nobody understands” Everything is painful Even happiness is painful Car crash Big huge plates of pasta with warm breadsticks Plan B Am I allowed to call it love if I was still a child (not by state law but in my mind) I still listen to alkaline trio sometimes Zelda and Nikki I sat and sobbed in the rain in your backyard for no real reason Wish I wanted to shake your hand like an adult at some professional mixer But in all reality would switch my ass down some imaginary runway and hair flip until whiplash Raspberry ice cream Bet you never thought I would watch this much porn (found joy in being me) You’re an idiot Whatever

It is known among the "psychology community” that .2 percent of people in the United States will experience a fugue episode in their lifetime .2 percent of people don’t know who they are, and start new again Ever since learning this, I have become terrified of fugue We learned about a father of 6 named Gary Woke up one morning and started a new life as a woman named Mary Well I’m a woman named Mary and I can’t help but to it That it doesn’t seem like much of a vacation for me

Forgiving myself requires making excuses that I am not willing to make anymore

Damn, my butt looks really good today. Look at this butt.

“I looked into the mirror and stared into my own eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I’m telling you right now, I was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.”

“I was tossing back and forth one night until I reached over and grabbed my own hand with my other hand and held on gently. I sang a soft song under my breath and my worries fell through the threads like water seeping through cracks of the sidewalk. I soothe myself. I am here as a gift to myself instead of a hindrance, finally.”

“Our hairs are made of tinsel and our bodies are casted of chocolate and this is why you remain sweet as sugar even when you feel like the hardest piece of stone to be chewed up and spit back into a napkin. You’ve got to love the home you keep.”

Actually I just wanted to include this guy in something Here’s your 15 internet minutes of fame Dog Dad

Monogamy is really fricked up And polyamory is really fricked up That’s where I am right now

But one time I was at this party and there were kittens in the bathroom This one sat on my lap while I pee’d It made me feel like some things are innately good without doing any work

The order in which this book has come together over these weeks is not coincidental, and tells a story whether I intended on it or not. I can’t write stories or poems or anything about love when it is real and relevant and staring at me blankly. That’s how I know an emotion is fake, when I can write about it the most. When love is real, all it has to do is exist. Contrary to what I told myself growing up, love isn’t one specific thing or formula or set of directions. There is no love you can buy from Costco that comes with a little hardware packet straight from the factory with directions in 3 or 4 different languages. It’s nice to say you love something when it leaves you with nothing to prove at the end of a paragraph. That’s the thing about the places that writing can take us to; sometimes, for me, it can be difficult to clear the lines between what is real and what is imaginary. Writing doesn’t require us to prove anything.

There are more important things than romantic love, and truly I believe that other things, perhaps all other things that exist will always be more important than romance. To be honest, I would never want to live in a world where romantic love was the most important of all the loves. There are more important things than your lover or the lover you’ve had the chance to be.

Over the past few months I have come to realize for the first time the power of self-deceit, and the joys that are brought with overcoming it.

Push yourself around Punch yourself in the face in the most respectful and loving way in which you can muster from the bottom of yourself Splash your face with water until you can’t find your own tears anymore

You are powerful and you have the ability to make or break yourself

SPECIAL THANKS TO Dog Dad Kayla’s printer-scanner All who submitted photos Pornhub Patricia Stacy Hypochondriasis Babybel cheese wedges for keepin me on my game

(-: (Ooh, this my shit) Please do not copy or redistribute without permission from the author :-)