A Mother’s Love: Losing A Son 633hl

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Mother’s Love

Losing a Son

LORETTA CROOM

AuthorHouse™ 1663 Liberty Drive Bloomington, IN 47403 www.authorhouse.com Phone: 1 (800) 839-8640

© 2017 Loretta Croom. All rights reserved.

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Published by AuthorHouse 08/14/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0365-0 (sc) ISBN: 978-1-5462-0364-3 (e)

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This is a dedication to my son Ivan. Finding a way to express the pain I feel over losing you. As well to release my anger over your death. How I am attempting to overcome the pain and learning to continue to live life. In hopes that this may help another grieving mother as well. This is my moment. This is our moment Ivan.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

I will never forget getting that phone call 7 years ago, from my daughter, who lives out of state. When I answered she said “Mom something just happened to my brother”. Now I live in Kansas City, MO. My daughter lives in a completely different state. So how would she know something has happened to my son? The police were trying to get in touch with me about my son and were unable to do so. So, they ed the police in the city where my daughter resides an had them her. Only thing I is her keep repeating “something has happened to my brother”, repeatedly. Well she eventually gave them my number and I waited on them to call with a sense of dread. When they finally called, they asked me “is there anybody home with you?” I told them no. They then said there were coming over. Once they said that its like my heart started pounding so hard. I had a feeling something was wrong, I just knew it. Waiting on them to arrive seem like it took hours. When they finally did get to my house they got straight to the point. They had discovered a body, and believed that it might be my son. A man walking had seen a man’s body laid in the woods. I didn’t even process everything they said. I fell to my knees and began screaming at the top of my lungs. I just kept screaming “No!! No!! No!!”. It was just an unbelievable feeling, this couldn’t be happening, not to me. That man in the woods is not my son, it’s not him!! As I write this, tears can’t stop falling. Reliving that moment, still to this day it’s hard to grasp. But eventually I was able to calm down. I sat down on my couch and took a deep breath. Ever since that moment, my life has forever been changed. A mother losing a child. Being taken from me. My heart has been completely ripped in shreds. I ask God on a daily, “how can I make it?” “Why me Lord?” 7 years. 7 long years. That’s how long it’s been. But writing this, reliving this. It feels like it just happened yesterday. The pain that I go through daily. Waking up every day crying, not eating. My daughter stayed with me for 2 weeks after my son’s death. My daughter lost her brother, her children lost their uncle. I lost my son. But, I knew I had to continue to live. For my daughter, my grandkids, myself, and most importantly for my son. God gave me that strength to keep pressing forward.

There are some things you will never come to with in life. That’s for a mother to lose her son. The death of my baby. I just will never understand. I know that things happen for a reason, but to take my only son away from me? That’s not right. I question it to this day. Why, why, why? I know he is smiling down on me saying “Mama I love you”. But, it’s not the same as being able to hear his voice. He wasn’t able to see his niece born, or even to be a father himself. It’s something about losing a child, my child. Due to someone taking his life. Taking him away from me and those who loved him. Sitting here with tears falling down my face. Unbelievable pain, that’s what it is. An indescribable pain like no other. No one should ever have to experience this feeling. No parent, no mother should ever have to bury their child, there son. He should be the one burying me. In a world, full of sin, this hateful world that we live in. This world can be so cruel. Ivan was such a happy, playful baby. I his first words, “mama”. He was 14 months when he took his first step. He was always a very quick learner, potty trained at 18 months. ing those teething moments. Up all night, those late-night hospital runs. Calling my mother for help. Ivan was my first born, so I was nervous about every little thing dealing with him. Those long nights with a fever, sleeping with me, up all night just to make sure he was ok. I was a very protective mother. Those first moments when he started walking. Building a snowman on those winter days out of school. No not spoiled, just well-loved by his mother. When I was pregnant I had always wished for a boy, and God blessed me with my son. They say heartburn means you’re having a boy. And that’s exactly what I got. He came out with a head full of hair too. You know back then they didn’t have the modern technology, to figure out what the sex of the baby is. So, I had to wait a whole 9 months to see if I was having a boy or a girl. I got what I wanted. My little perfect family. My oldest, a boy, to protect his little sister. Then somebody destroyed it! In the blink of an eye they took apart my perfect family. I lost my son, my daughter lost her protector. As a child, he was very bright. A lovable kid that’s what he as, light up the room wherever he went. Everybody loved Ivan, loved being around him. He used to be in the boy scouts, made good grades in school, an even received a scholarship to college. He attended college, and graduated with his Bachelors. He had begun

working as a Financial Advisor. He could get along easily with any an everybody. He loved his family, family was always first and foremost with him. Some people would even call him a mama’s boy. He loved me, he always wanted to be around me. But he wasn’t a mama’s boy, he was just a son that loved his mother. We had a very good relationship. He was so sweet, handsome, very intelligent, great dresser, awesome with numbers. When Ivan first learned how to tell time. It would be every hour on the hour he would announce the time. We first started him off working on telling time on the big clocks. He liked when he would accomplish something. It made my heart melt to just see him start to smile and laugh when he got something right. When he first started learning to tie his shoes. I taught him, picked up quick too. He was always such a fast learner. All those things telling time, tying his shoes, learning to dress himself. This or why I love my son. Makes me think about everything, all these memories. From childhood, all the way until his death. It was never hard for me to think back before, never really had a reason too. I was too busy living in the moment making memories with my kids. To even stop and think that someday soon I would’ve have just that, my memories to get me by. Now since he isn’t here on Earth. I’m trying to everything little moment, very little conversation, everything. It may sound strange to you all but, to me it’s just called memory love. I’m smiling as I write this. Yes, I do smile. I do occasionally have my good days. I wish I even knew how to sing. I would sing a song for my son, in my own words. Now don’t judge me, this is just something that I thought up. Here I go; “Loving you son. Missing you. Wishing you were here with me. I pray that someday we will be together, forever. Holding you” … That’s all I could do right now. I miss him so much. I know my son hears me, I know he does. Some days, I must plan my months ahead of time. Like for instance May is coming up, which is his birthday month. Ill end up going to the cemetery, but I need time in advance to mentally and physically prepare myself. Get my nerves built up. My encouragement, my strength. Today I’m fasting. That tends to give me as sense of relief, of peace. Attempting to cleanses myself of the pain. He loved to read. That’s what he did in his spare time, read books. He prayed too, he was a firm believer in God. Knew the bible very well. That’s where he grew up in church. He even use to sing in the choir, believe it or not. He enjoyed music, use to rap too. Even though he had his career as a Financial Advisor, he

would rap on the side. If he were here today, I know he would’ve probably had a music career by now. That’s how good he was. Probably couldn’t imagine him cooking either? When he was 13 I came home to him cooking dinner. First time, he had picked, cleaned, and cooked greens, pork chops, and cornbread. it clear as if it was just the other day. At 13, I couldn’t believe it! My baby, I was so surprised, but it turned out good. He said he use to always watch me and my mother cook. He was very observant like that. But I did always make sure to instill and teach him and his sister to be independent. Never to depend on anyone but themselves. I really feel so honored to have raised such an intelligent young man. I have no regrets. I know he is looking down on me saying “mama don’t cry, I’m ok”. But it’s just not the same. I can’t really express how hard it is not being able to see him have kids of his own, or even get married. He had so much more to accomplish in this life. He wasn’t going to be a stereotype. He was going places and everyone that knew him knew he was too. He made me so proud in his short time here on earth. I just wish he had a lot more time. He had a long and promising life ahead of him. I a time when I had come home to find 2 puppies in my house. Now everybody that knows me, know how afraid I am of animals, especially dogs. My cousin had brought them for Ivan and his sister. They begged me to keep them an even though I wanted to say no I finally agreed. If they cleaned them and fed then, that was fine. Well one day, 6months later one of the puppies got loose and had begun to chase me around the yard. Imagine me running around the yard from this little puppy. Now Ivan was just 9 years old at the time, but I screamed for him to come help me. When he came outside he laughed so hard at me running from this puppy. After I screamed for my life a couple minutes longer he finally caught the puppy. I was so ready for this puppy to go but I had to put my fears aside because I had agreed to keep him for my son. Times like that, when I look back on them, such enjoyable moments. I loved his laugh, he stayed laughing, always happy, always laughing. I had a friend who had a farm, that the kids liked to go visit. There they were given pony rides. They enjoyed going to the zoo, we went all the time. My kids loved their animals. Even going to the carnival occasionally but, Ivan would not get near the roller coasters. He was afraid of heights.

Growing up, Ivan was a pretty healthy child. Rarely sick. Never really the fussy or whiney type. When he first got chicken pox, he was 13. Came home one day, and he was just scratching. I asked him “What is that on you?” I looked again, and ended up taking him to the doctor. They confirmed that it was chicken pox. Ended up getting him some cream, and doctors order was told to stay home for two weeks. He was so good during that time, not crying or complaining. Took it like the young man that he was becoming. He told me “mama, I will be ok”, as he put the medication on himself. He was always so independent. After he eventually got better, my daughter ended up catching it too. Ivan had ed it on to her, naturally. He looked out for her when she had to stay at home. He helped take care of her He had a very good childhood. He loved playing games, video games, all types. I loved throwing him birthday parties, he had lots of friends. I use to take him to the circus, he loved animals. We did everything together and we always had so much fun. Even as he got older, that never changed. Even though he started getting older, growing into a young man. It was like one day he went from being my baby, then the next day he was a teenager. But regardless of how grown he got, he never forgot about me. We had an unbreakable bond, we had a very close relationship. We talked about everything, sitting for hours laughing and talking. As a kid, his whole room was decorated as He Man. His curtains, bed linen, toothbrush, everything was He Man. That was one of his favorite cartoon characters growing up. Oh, didn’t he love play doh. He would make all kinds of different people with play doh. The face, hands, etc. All so very detailed. He was very creative like that. In the months of March and April (those windy months), Ivan and his sister loved to fly their kites. They would make it into a friendly competition, who could fly their kite the fastest. Moments like that I wished I would’ve taken more photos, captured more memories of them together, because now that’s all I have left, my memories. He loved when school was out for the summer. Sometimes we would take road trips. Just little small quick weekend getaways. To try and make their summers more enjoyable and memorable. I enjoyed those outings. Once me and Ivan took a trip to St. Louis. He wanted to go to Six Flags. His sister was with friends so it

was just mother and son time. I knew my son was started to come into his own, as far as becoming a man. He started buying cologne. I guess he wanted to smell good for the ladies. I laugh now thinking about that. On Saturdays was our family day. Twice a month we would go out to eat. The Old Country Buffet, he loved their chicken, fried chicken. Ivan loved to eat. We would make it a movie night too. Either at the theater or at home, making sure to pop popcorn. During our mother and so time I taught my son how to play checkers. He grew to love it! He would beat me sometimes. I would beat him sometimes. But, I can honestly say he would never get mad. He knew how to to control his temper and he knew that it was just a game. He knew how to have fun. During my mother and daughter time. Me and my daughter would play jacks, she loved bouncing the ball. She loved that game. I made sure to make equal time for both my kids. I love them. They are my world. My mother and my son had a very close relationship. She would take him fishing two times a month on Saturdays. They loved fishing together. My son also ed the Boys and Girls Club. Partaking in various activities with them. He skated also, I would take him and my daughter to the skating rink in Grandview. He had some pretty good moves on the rink. On rainy day, he would do his daily chores and then spend the rest of the day reading books. He was super close to his cousins, going back and forth between our house and his aunt’s house. He liked video games, loved his play stations. Surprisingly he liked to visit museums, always wanting to go. Very articulate. A well-rounded kid. Seemed to wake up happy every day, always joking. Loved making people laugh, always wanting to see others happy. Putting their happiness before his own, that’s just the type of person he was. Christmas and Halloween was his favorite holidays. He loved trick or treating. Super excited when it came time to choose a costume. I loved Halloween too, I think I was always more excited than the kids. We went everywhere on those holidays, to the mall, lots of different houses. I would throw Halloween parties, an even dress up myself sometimes. Christmas mornings he loved waking up to the big Christmas tree with lots of gifts under it. He loved stories about Santa Claus. He knew he had to be nice not naughty. His favorite song was Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Loved the movie Home Alone. I miss those times, going to church, listening to him sing in the choir.

Never forgot those Easter Sundays, him dressed up in his little suits holding his sisters hand, with their Easter baskets. We would have Easter egg hunts at our church, and they would always leave wondering what we were going to do with all the eggs they would catch. On Valentine’s day, as a kid. He loved taking Valentine’s Day cards to school for his class. One girl in his class had a crush on him, and him on her. So, he took extra time to pick out his favorite card from the cards he had an even got her some candy for Valentine’s Day. He was a charmer. Around the time of his birthday one year, his one front tooth came out. You should’ve seem him so scared that when he got to school the next day all the kids would laugh and make fun of him. But I reassured him that the kids wouldn’t laugh and that if he put his tooth under his pillow the tooth fairy would come an give him a reward for being brave. He stayed up all night waiting on the tooth fairy. I finally had to go in there and tell him she wouldn’t come if he was awake. He was so happy that next morning for going to sleep and leaving his tooth he got $3 from the tooth fairy. Ivan was little as a kid. People use to try and pick him up and throw him around because he was so small for his age. He loved karate movies so I decided to put him in a karate class so he could learn how to defend himself. He loved it. He earned so many different belts an started to advanced quickly. But he started to get really bad headaches, so I had to eventually take him out of the class. But for the short time he attended, he really enjoyed his self. One time Ivan and I were running together. He was about 11 or 12 years old then. We had a race to see who was the fastest runner. He said “mama you can’t beat me”. We raced, he won. I always laugh thinking about that day. Taking him and his sister to see a wrestling match. Oh my God, how they loved things like that growing up. He was so particular about his clothing. He always had to have that deep crease all the young boys liked. I guess I wasn’t the best ironer for him. So, when he was old enough to iron his pants like the other kids he started ironing himself. He had always been a neat dresser. Wanting everything neat and smooth, no wrinkles. That’s how his life was neat and smooth, no wrinkles. I my first time teaching him hour to drive a car. He already had his

learners permit. He was 16years old then. We went to go practice at the park, to drive around. We would go there twice a week, to the park, practicing for about an hour each time we went. We started off driving just straight back and forth. Working on staying in the lines. Then he worked on turning and using our signals. By the third week, we were finally practicing on side streets, driving with traffic. When I felt that he was ready after about a month, he went to take the test. He ed on the first try! He was so happy, ing on the first try. He had always been a good driver, and I taught him. So, when he turned 18 I rewarded him for his graduation with his first car. Let ne stop to breathe. Memories. Sweet memories. There was once a girl that he had started dating. He came to me one day about her, he said “mama I like her a lot”. My son was gentleman. I raised him as such. He had strong feelings for her, so he did the right thing and accepted her, and everything that came with her. That what a real man does. He was sweet like that. That situation showed the type of caring person he was. So why would somebody want to hurt him right? It’s shameful, how dare they! But, it happened. My memoires of my son, all I have left of him. I’m thankful that I have the strength to write this morning, right now. Without crying. These emotions hitting me again. Sunny today. Wondering if he was still here, what he would be doing on this beautiful day. Probably trying to figure out what to get me for Mother’s Day next month. He always got me the best gifts. ing his loved ones likes and dislikes was a trait he had. He always took an interest in others’ lives besides his own. It sucks about all those good times, reminiscing. It’s hard because he isn’t here to laugh at these past moments with me. A monster took my sons life, so now we can’t reminisce on these happy memories together. I’m going to repeat myself several times because I’m hurting inside. It’s like I’m coming and going. Going through the motions without any feeling to anything, I’m numb inside. But, I know life must go on. I can’t stop because my son is six feet under. I felt as if I couldn’t go on but Ivan wants me to on. My daughter wants me to go on. My grandkids want me to go on. My other family and friends wants me to go on. I must go on for them, for my son, Ivan, and for myself. As I take this deep breath. Inhale and exhale. Taking several deep breaths as I write this. He wouldn’t want me to give up. “Oh son, mother misses you.” I know that you are in heaven with God, surrounded by his angels. I know that you are looking down on me saying

“Mother, one day we will be together again, you will see.” Sometimes I get speechless, just sitting here thinking, this isn’t real. My son’s death isn’t real. An in those moments that I start to feel emotional. I go to my ADHC group, to talk to them. Listen in, see what’s going on. Just to be around people who can relate to me and this situation, knowing that I am not alone. Writing this book, for my Ivan. Is helping me cope somewhat. I finally have a way to get all these feelings out. A place to go to within myself. It gives me energy, it gives me power. When I’m at home, sitting in front of the television. Still thinking about my son. When I’m driving and a certain song come on the radio. I know that its Ivan, showing me that he is still with me. Letting me know that he is ok. I could go on and on, through the many memories I’ve shared with my baby boy but, that would definitely take up so many more pages. He was my son, my heart, my beloved. I will never forget him for the rest of my life. Took me a while to write this book. I wanted to do it because I feel the world should know exactly how I feel. Hopefully this will help another grieving mother who may have lost her son as well. I know I am not the only mother to lose their child in a senseless manner. I decided to write this book as a way of dealing with my emotions. Attempting to overcome the anger and the pain that I am experiencing because of losing my son, my only son, my oldest child, my baby boy. Also, hoping that this may help another mother too. I know people grieve differently, but this is my way of dealing with my grief, my pain, my sorrow, my hurt, my loss. To this day, I still haven’t gotten rid of most his clothes. Some of his things I have donated. But, it’s still so hard for me. It took me a whole 4 years to get rid of some of his things. But I haven’t been able to let go of everything completely, I’m just not ready. It may sound strange to some but, please don’t judge me. It’s just a mother’s love. It’s hard to let go. This book could help many parents. I work out at the gym to relieve my stress, that’s good. I walk, when the weather permits. Got to get that laugh in every once and a while, I need laughter on those really tough days. Can’t be sad all the time. Ivan wouldn’t like that. At night, I listen to soft, soothing music. Lights off, candles burning, and I meditate and reflect for about 30 minutes to unwind. After that I lay down and try to sleep. Impossible most nights but, I try. Eating healthy, get my green vegetables, fruits. I must have my bananas. Always drinking plenty of water. Know what else makes my days easier? Talking to my grandkids. Helps to keep my mind stimulated. It tends to be very therapeutic for

me. When I go to the store sometimes. When I go out to eat, he is always there, a constant reminder. Walking down aisles, seeing certain things he like to wear. Smelling the different colognes, he wore. I would just break down in tears. Going shopping for my grandkids, seeing little bits of him in them. The things they like, how they act. It’s hard. He is always going to be there, can’t take that away from me. They may have taken him physically, but they can never take him from my heart, my mind, my soul. In the month of April, I always start to get this feeling, of dread. My body tends to shut down mentally and physically. I guess due to the sadness in my life. With his birthday being only a month away. Just thinking about t, he is no longer here. I can’t even wish my so a happy birthday anymore. Today is April 1, 2017. April Fool’s Day. I wish that somebody would say I was a fool, and this is all just a big joke. Taking my son away, going back in time. Just writing another chapter in my life. Next month, May 24th will be my son’s birthday. As I’m writing this right now. Knowing another year without you, crying again, yes again. You want to know why next month used to be so special, now it’s one of the hardest months of the year? My day and his day, our days together. Mother’s Day and his birthday. My days to him. Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day. He was always the first to call me on Mother’s Day. It’s just not the same. People use to tell me at least you still have your daughter. I love my daughter, I’m grateful for my daughter. But no child can ever replace the other. That was my only son. A person once told me that, that’s just plain stupid and dumb. I can never replace my son with my daughter, that’s not right. But, I look over things like that. I love my daughter just the same, but us 3 will never be balanced out again. We are missing one piece of the puzzle now. God is good, he brought me a wonderful granddaughter into this world. Same month as my son’s birthday. She was born May 31st. God sent me a miracle, a little angel. Wish Ivan was here to see her. But that monster who is still walking around, breathing, living their life, he took my babies life. He wasn’t able to be there for his sister, to witness his nieces birth. But I will forever be grateful that God blessed us with my granddaughter. Family don’t quite understand either until they’ve walked in my shoes too. There only there temporary for some moments but, they don’t see what happens, what I

go through when I am alone. Yes, I put on my happy face for the world but, it’s so much sadness behind it. I am still the same ole sweet Loretta. I’m still kind, use my pleasantries. But when it comes to the day’s end, I’m right back home, alone, with my thoughts. Days hit me harder than other, finding myself constantly on my knees in tears. Everyone can’t deal with this; some people wouldn’t even be able to handle it. I didn’t think that I would even be able to handle it. God never puts more on you than you can bear, that I know. This is my burden to bear alone, and I am doing just fine. Sometimes I get in my car and just ride. Two years after my son’s death my daughter and I went on a cruise. The Tom Joyner cruise. My daughter treated me for my birthday. To relax me, to get away from it all, an try an enjoy life again. We had a good time. But I started getting that feeling of guilt. Like is his fair of me to enjoy this moment when my son cannot? It’s like I feel that I can never fully, be completely happy again. I can never fully completely enjoy life and the little things again. Ivan can’t go on a cruise. Ivan can’t go to the mall again. Ivan can’t enjoy life, because his life was taken away from him. I lost my mother in 2002. It was a little easier to deal with since she died of natural causes. My son and daughter were both there to help me through the pain. I lost my mother, they lost their grandmother. I lost my son 8 years later, in 2010. That hurt the worst. My mother had Alzheimer’s, we knew the outcome of her illness. But, my son’s death was an unexpected shock, devastating. Here today, gone tomorrow. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. My advice to the world tell your family, friends, siblings, kids, neighbors, tell that you love them. You should never wait until someone is gone. As the saying goes “give people flowers while they can smell them”. It still hurts to talk about him, years later. Times get very hard around Christmas, his birthday, Mother’s Day, my birthday, and especially on Thanksgiving. That is around the anniversary of his death. Those holidays are happy times, but not for me. He is constantly on my heart from the time I open my eyes in the morning, until I lay my head down at night. He will always be loved and ed. He will always be missed. There are days when me and my daughter are on the phone, and we are talking about Ivan. How much we miss him. They were very close as well. Only a year apart in age. I will never forget one day my daughter said she had talked to him two day before his death. She said “mama I forgot to tell him I loved him when we got off the phone”. She was so hurt, felt so much guilt. But I just reminded her that he knows how much you loved him baby. He

still knows how much we love him. That Tuesday after he ed away, we had planned, him and I, a surprise trip to visit his sister out of town. But we never made it, Ivan never got to go. He was murdered. An after that was when my whole life changed. Let me explain how my life has changed, people have wondered. I didn’t have a bad life to begin with. To say my life has changed, it’s not the same without my son. My whole world surrounded my two kids. It was an always has been about them. Losing a piece of that puzzle just took so much from me. I felt like I had no energy whatsoever. I had to literally push myself every day to get out of bed, I still have those days occasionally. Worrying, stress, and pain has a way of doing that to you. I push myself day after day after day to live a different life with my missing puzzle piece. To live for my daughter and grandkids. That’s what I mean when I say that my life has changed. No I didn’t lose my mind, all my senses are still intact. It was just a piece of my heart taken away from me. Thanksgiving, that was the last holiday we spent together. He had called me that Wednesday before, asked what I was cooking for dinner the next day. I gave him a rundown of the dishes; turkey, dressing, duck, ham, mashed potatoes, greens, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, sweet potato pie, peach cobbler, fruit salad, pound cake and lemon cake. He said he would try to make it over that next day and he may be bringing a girl with him. We laughed about that and talked a little more before we got off the phone. That next day we talked and he wasn’t feeling to good, but he made it over anyway. That was the last time we spoke, that was the last time that I saw my son alive. They found his body that following Monday. Four days after the last time I saw and spoke to my baby. A man discovered his body while he was taking his dog for a walk in the woods. They think he was murdered where he was found. They took my baby from me, took him from the people who loved him! It’s hard to even described the anger I feel, the hurt, the pain. 7 long years is how long it’s been now an it still hurts just like the first day I found out. I stopped eating, I started losing weight, I just felt like my world was taken from me. But I knew my baby boy wouldn’t want to see me like that. If anything, I had to get on with my life for him. I eventually started going to an ADHOC group. Even became an active member, for parents coping with losing their children due to violence. Seeking comfort from them, helped a little bit. ing the day of his funeral, my son’s funeral. Waking up that morning,

mentally preparing myself for what lied ahead. Hardest day of my life. He should’ve been burying me, not the other way around. No sleep the night before, hadn’t ate in days. Tired, knowing the funeral car was on its way, but barely moving. Pulling up to his memorial service, feeling like I was in a bad dream. Wishing that this dream would end. More like a nightmare. Sitting here writing these words, tears flowing down my face. We went in, sat down in front of my son, laying in the casket. The song playing was Precious lord, Take My Hand. Just crying, couldn’t stop like a leaky faucet. Just nonstop flowing. “Make this nightmare end Lord”. I was in a state of denial, numb, praying that I had the strength to through this one last time. Seeing my son like that. I went up to him, gave him a kiss on the forehead. Told him that I loved him one last time. I almost dropped to my knees. Seeing my baby like that. If You looked closely you could even see the impression that the bullet left on his temple. When they closed the casket. That’s when it hit me. That was the last time I was going to see him. Don’t get me wrong, I knew he was gone before this day. It just hit me then when the casket closed over my baby. That would be my last time physically seeing his face. Going through the motions, sitting there weeping and weeping. People coming over hugging and kissing me. Just wanting this day to be over. As I write this, tears coming again, in that moment begging “God help me!” People say things will get better as time moves along. Not to me! It’s still hard. Not how he was taken. God don’t take you that way. That was the work of the Devil, an evil person. Sure, he is in a better place. They may say I sound selfish. But they took his life. Not natural causes. Do you get it? They took his life! Can anybody feel me? They took his life! They took him from me. At the gravesite, imagine putting your son in the ground. That’s where they put my baby, in the ground. I couldn’t do anything but shake my head. Numb, speechless once again. Weak, angry, that’s how I felt looking down at my baby. Leaving from there and mingling with our loved ones afterwards. Couldn’t eat, not able to eat, didn’t want to eat nothing. To upset to eat. To devastating, food was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t want food. I wanted my son. So hurt, so upset, so emotional, feeling so empty. Believing in God, staying strong, praying, singing, having faith. That’s what gets

me through those really rough days. I felt my relationship with God growing stronger. Times like these you need help from a higher power. And praying that one day hopefully, justice will be served. This murderer, this monster that took my son away from his family, left him lying there with no sense of remorse. I’m still grieving from sun up to sun down. This pain on my heart. I go out to his grave site occasionally. Can’t go all the time, just too painful. I put flowers down for him on his birthday. Standing there, looking down at this pile of dirt. Knowing that even though his body is down there physically, his spirit is with the angels. I go just to talk to him, tell him how much I love and miss him. How much his sister loves and misses him. How much his nephews love and miss him. I never stay to long, too hard to see that knowing that’s where my son is now. Sometimes it’s just too hard and I would hate for another mother to experience what I am feeling right now. All these different emotions with nowhere for them all to go, just bottled up. Indescribable, unbelievable. Not only has my sons murder never gotten resolved. I’ve never gotten closure. Imagine that monster still running around, he might even decide to do this again, to someone else’s family. That’s why I’m so hurt, listening to the news, another murder, another mother mourning the murder of her son. The system seems to be broken, it just tends to see another black man, no longer a threat to society, no longer a threat to them. Regardless if it’s an innocent man there all placed in the same category. But who is this person, to feel that they could just take someone’s life, my sons life. Funny, the system, when they eventually do find the person responsible, they only end up serving 7, 8 years. While my son is gone forever. If they ever find out who killed my son. I will make it my personal mission, my duty to ensure that justice is served. For my son, my family, to make sure that that person receives life in prison, or even the death penalty. Why should they live, my son can’t? I forgive, but I will never forget what they took from me. No reason why my son was shot in the head and the heart. So why should I have a heart, you put a bullet in my sons, with no remorse. Weeping, as I write this, tears flowing again, and again, and again. Begging Jesus to give me the strength. Help me dry these tears so that I can finish this book. ‘Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want”. Jesus, I would like justice served for my son. I know it’s only a matter of time before it is. I’m shaking just thinking about it. Feeling nauseated, can’t stop shaking. It gets

me so upset just thinking about it again, hurting. This no-good monster. Must not have any home training, any good parenting to be so cold hearted. To even do something like that. That monster has no dignity, evidently no remorse. That monster has no soul. It’s not right! How do you do that to a person. Think of how me as Ivan mother feels, or his sister. This monster left a lot of people hurting. His sister can’t talk to him. His aunties can’t see their own nephew anymore. His friends miss him. So many people he knew that this monster took him away from. Whoever is reading this book. I want you to be able to see where I am coming from. My ion, my feelings, understand the love that I have for my son runs deep. I woke up this morning, angry this morning. Just because every day is a reminder that my sons case is still unsolved. Imagine seven years of not knowing why, not having closure. Imagine that. But, having God with me every day, helps me through this journey, this nightmare of my life. Sitting here still in bed, angry tears flowing now. I can’t move. I miss him so much. I say my prayers every morning before I start my day. “Thank you Lord for giving me another day. For my daughter and my grandchildren. I’m blessed Lord. Blessed to be in a position for the world to hear my thoughts, my feelings. So that the world can hear Ivan’s story”. Just thinking, in another 5 years my oldest grandson will be graduating. And his uncle will not be there to witness it. Once again, another milestone in our family that my Ivan will not be there physically at. I think about all of that. Still sitting in my bed. Just thinking, thinking, thinking. Asking “why?” Wondering “why”. Wondering “what if”. Memorial Day is coming around this year. I will go to his gravesite and release some balloons for him. I love him and he knows he will forever be in my heart. I carry him wherever I go. If I could just have one more day with him. Just one more hour. I would want us to take roadtrip that we were supposed to take seven years ago. To surprise your sister and nephews. Take that trip that we couldn’t take because somebody took you from me. I would want us to take that trip Ivan, and never come back. So that you could still be here with me. So that this nightmare could be over finally. What if we would’ve went a day earlier, a week earlier. Would you still be alive? Would you still be here with me, with your family? Still breathing and living life? I question it all the time. What if? But, it dints happen that way. It took a different route. A route that took my sons life.

As I’m writing this. I must stop and breath. Inhale, exhale slowly. Starting to feel numb again. So unreal, my son isn’t here anymore. Sometimes it makes my stomach turn inside out. Just thinking of the way that they found my son. Who would do such a thing? That’s why I reference that person that took my sons life as a “monster”. To just throw my son in the woods. Yes, I said it, “a monster”. A human with a heart wouldn’t do that. So heartless. I wouldn’t even throw my trash out like that, so to do a person like that. A body? That’s why I say, “a monster”. That’s how my son was found!! In the woods!! Who would do something like that? Why would you do my son like that? I know that my son was only 29 years old when he was murdered. But, with the path he had taken, he had such a long life ahead of him. He probably would’ve been married with kids. Never got to see that happen. Become a grandmother again. See him have a son and name him Ivan the third. He already had a career. But, to see him advance further in life. He had so much more to do in life, and somebody took that from him. A mother always wonders what their child could have been now that they’re no longer here with us. A new year is getting ready to come, 2018. I’m not getting any younger. Starting to see that tomorrow is not promised to us. That’s why I wanted to write this book, finish this book. God forbid something happens to me. At least I can say “I told my story”. I ate my breakfast this morning. I had oatmeal, toast, a boiled egg, and drank some orange juice. Trying to start my day off right. I’ve noticed that breakfast motivates me, and gives me a little bit more energy. Don’t forget I must have my water. I went to the grocery store yesterday, picked me up some vegetables and fruits. Planning me a Sunday meal, like in the movie Soul Food. Wish I had Ivan here. His favorite vegetables were greens, mustards and turnips mixed together. Had to have his cornbread too. And of course, his fried chicken, chicken wings. You know how a certain meal you cook makes you think about somebody. I can’t stop cooking something because it brings about painful memories of him. Then I would be punishing myself. Someone took him from me. I set my table up nicely, got out my china. Memory moments, that’s what it’s called. I’m smiling as I write this. Today will be a good day. Because I know this as my son favorite meal. He loves his mother’s cooking. He would always say “mom, you sure do know how to cook.”

I was driving one night, listening to one of my favorite CDs. One song came on called Rise Up by Andra Day. I had to immediately pull over because I started crying so hard. This song gives me motivation, rising. It’s like a low position and a high position. I’m rising from where I came from, a long way. I cry through it but, it lets me know I must move forward. I’ve risen from where I was 7 years ago. I wouldn’t be able to write this book. Back then I was in a shell, closed off from the world. I’ve overcame so many obstacles. I’ve rised. I had enough sense not to put myself in a position to harm myself or others that night, that’s why I pulled over to compose myself. I have my mind, it’s just my heart that is broken. I needed just a couple minutes until I was able to drive again. I call my crying days, my rainy days. Seeing nothing but clouds, no sunshine. My son use to sing a song by Boyz II Men. I was called A Song For Mama. He would sing that song to me every Mother’s Day and on my birthday. I always looked forward to those days. Makes me want to listen to it now. He would dedicate this song to me, to let me know how much he loved me. As I sit and listen to this song now, I wish he were here with me. I miss his smile. I just miss him so much. Sitting here I know my son would sing this song once again this Mother’s Day but, he is not here. I just can’t stand it at times. I sometimes just scream, in my car. Having to let out all my pain and frustration. He really isn’t here anymore. I miss my baby. This is a pain like no other. I weep, I cry when I hear this song sometimes. I’m just crushed. I can’t hear him sing that song to me anymore. Oh, how I wish I could, just one more time. There just no cause for it. More so probably because of jealousy. It’s so sad. Sunday morning, watching television. I can’t stand seeing movies or TV shows where people are killing one another. Started crying, thinking of Ivan. Wondering how long did he suffer after that person shot him. Praying that he didn’t suffer at all. Eventually ended up going over one of my friends’ houses, there watching TV Once again a show with murder. All the time. I had to remove myself, I’ve always disliked violence. I tell people repeatedly. Even though my friends question it every time. I don’t know, maybe people think I should be over it by now. But, it’s not for me to constantly explain, especially if you haven’t been in my shoes. I’m trying to move forward, not revert back. Watching shows and movies that constantly display violence, will set me back every time. Another Easter came and went. My daughter sent me pictures of my grandbabies. Takes me back to when my children were there age. Running around at the Easter egg hunts. Oh, the sweet memories. I’m hurting right now,

writing this. This year I didn’t make it to church. Stayed in the bed, too emotional. My mind telling me to get up. But, my legs aren’t moving at all. My son loved dying the eggs, him and his sister. We never liked the smell of the eggs. But we dealt with it so we could decorate the eggs. I would boil them, and they would decorate. Missing those days. I get so numb at times, having to give myself time to compose before I began writing again. I say to myself “I have to get this finished, writing this book. Let the world know my feelings.” Sitting in my office a little later, tears flowing. I think I’ve done pretty good, this long process. I’m still standing through it all. Focused, Gods with me every day. I’m so blessed. This weekend I’ll probably go to the lake with some friends. Feed the fish, get out for a while. Just to relax. Its warming up here in Kansas City. (The Show Me State). It’s about 70 degrees here today. I love spring and summer, as long as it doesn’t get too hot. Another holiday coming up, 4th of July. My little family gathering, barbeque, Independence Day. Another year of him being gone, not being able to celebrate. I know I sound like a tape recorder, over and over but, God I just miss him. Who doesn’t love the summer. The weather, spending time with family because come winter, we barely get out to see anybody. Depending on where you live. Here in Kansas City, we take advantage of this beautiful weather. I normally would put something on the grill but, I just don’t feel like it. A part of me is missing, my son. My daughter’s birthday is in July as well. She will probably come in town, but it won’t be the same for her either. She is missing her brother. As I write this, I just want to tell my son Happy Birthday. “Happy Birthday Ivan, I love you!!!’. His birthday is May 24th. “Mama loves you always. We miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy. May you forever rest in peace.” I hate to see the words “rest in peace”. It sounds so final. September, another holiday, no Ivan. “Holidays just aren’t the same without you here son”. New morning. Here I am about to go outside. I open my front door and look to the sky. Looking to the sky for a reason, that’s Heaven up there. That’s where my Ivan is. I can see him, that smile. Close my eyes, feeling that fresh air. As the wind blows, I feel him, he is with me today. Like he is every day, that I know. My son was a people person. He was very genuine. He was for real he wasn’t phony. He gave from his heart. That’s why he pulled back from certain people that he would’ve before called his friends. When people show their true colors, he made sure to take heed and keep his distance. Some of his associates weren’t

on his same page. When your choosing to take a more positive approach in life. People start thinking that your boring. No, he wasn’t boring, he just preferred to do more interesting things with his life. He loved attending car shows. It’s going on 4 in the evening. Sitting at my desk in my office. Writing this book, still with no answers. Not even a why. I know why, haters play a big role. Do yall feel me out there? I know why. I feel what I’m talking about. But, don’t mind me, everybody has their days. I got me a late lunch. Food does me good, gives me energy. I need that right now Because I’m going to finish this book. I could be having lunch with my son right now. Tuna casserole, that was another favorite of Ivan’s. Guess I’ll be having lunch by myself. Probably make some for lunch tomorrow. Go to the park here I use to take my kids. Feels good outside. I they use to love going to the park. He loved catching lightening bugs. They would catch them in big glass jars. They would last about three or four day and then let them go. Crazy right. Fun little things kids do. My daughter would try and scare me by making the noises that crickets make. Another day, sitting here in my office, alone, door shut. Beginning to write again. Looking out my window at the cars ing by. People walking. Hear sirens going, wondering about the time, having flashbacks of the time. Did they have sirens going when they were on the way to the scene of the crime where my sons body was discovered. I think about all of that, every time I hear sirens. Every time I hear the news, violence, death, every day. That’s why I’ve never liked listening to or watching the news. Somebody just got killed, someone’s life was taken again. It is always so heavy on my heart. I can be in the store or just out and about. See a young man in ing and it’s like I am seeing Ivan again, through someone else. One person can have his same walk. Another can have a smile similar to his. No, I’m not delusional, he just constantly on my mind. I have a friend that lives in California. She lost her son, and she was telling me ways that she copes. Every year on her son’s anniversary, she goes to the park. Then on to his gravesite where she sits and talks to him. Then on his birthday the family gets together, she buys a cake for him. They celebrate and sing him Happy Birthday. That’s how she grieves an I applaud her. I wish It’s just too much for me. I’d rather just pray to God. Go to my group/ Have a good cry, and me and my daughter reminisce on the good times with him. I tend to go shopping too, keeps my mind working, running, not able to drift. I know eventually I must slow down because my body needs a break. Go see a comedy show, have a good laugh. Saw Katt Williams

recently. Boy, did I have a good time. Took my sister for her birthday. But when that’s all over, back to reality. But in those few hours it feels good to laugh, I love to laugh. It’s good to feel carefree and happy in the moment. Mother’s Day right around the corner. I know I’m not going to sit around the house this year. I plan to get out, visit some family and friends. Later, in May I’ll fly out to visit my daughter and my grandchildren. My granddaughter is turning one this year. Before I leave though, I’ll go stop and visit my son. Put some flowers on his grave. Talk to him. Wish him a Happy Birthday. May 24th. He would’ve been 35 years old this year. Sitting here, taking several deep breaths, having regain my composure. This year, me and my son would’ve probably been taking a family trip with my daughter and her children. Probably to Hawaii, or Paris, somewhere. We always talked about traveling, he wanted to explore the world with me before I got to old he would always say. Now we can’t because he is gone. He wanted to share and create memories with me before I got to old. We had a bond together. A bond I will always cherish and hold dear to my heart. It’s so hard for a mother to write this. When your heart is broken. Trying to finish it but, I’m hurting inside. I must finish it. I must go on but, I’m hurting. No one understands. I would hate for someone else to be in my shoes right now, feeling what I am feeling write now. Dealing with what I am dealing with right now. God give me strength to write this book, to get me through this. God give me strength. I pray every night before I go to bed. I pray when I wake up too. I have so much to be thankful for. I know this. I’m not in the best health, my health went down a little bit on me. But, I thank God I am still here. I know one day; my day will come. But, God willing, not anytime soon. Hopefully by natural causes too. They didn’t take my baby by naturally. Makes me wonder how that person feels. Do they feel guilty? I wonder if their parents know? If it was the other way around I would feel bad knowing, if it was me. I would probably try and reach out. But, everybody is different. Some people don’t have a heart, no conscious. Some people don’t know how to just do the right thing. I know the month of May is going to bring plenty of restless nights, no sleep. A month of pain. A month of sorrow. No one knew my son like I did. I carried him for 9 months, I raised him. Built a bond with him nobody could possibly understand. No one knew him like I did. People running around attempting to paint a bad picture, running their mouths. That’s their dishonest opinion. I’m not

saying that because he was my son. I’m saying it because I raised him, I knew him. We live in a society today that is all messed up. That stereotypes and naturally assumes. A monster attempting to portray a positive black, young, and successful man: my son, a s something he was not. That’s why I’m writing this book to set the record straight once and for all. My son was going places. He was a positive man determine to be successful. Determine to not be put in the category of society labeled “typical black man. He had a career. He had a positive future. But this monster out there that I speak of. You know who you are. That murderer who took my son away. I hope every day for the rest of your life. You feel what I feel, you experience what I am going through. I hope you feel guilty every single time you look in the mirror, knowing what you did, what you took from so many people. You will be caught and justice will be served. Out here just living your life. You may not get justice here on Earth. But God has the final say, and you will hear from him on judgement day. Karma is really something you know? What goes around surely does come back around. You reap what you sow. As I’m writing this. I must stop and breath. Inhale, exhale slowly. Starting to feel numb again. So unreal, my son isn’t here anymore. Sometimes it makes my stomach turn inside out, just thinking of the way that they found my son. Who would do such thing? That’s what I reference that person that took my life, as a monster. To just throw my son into the woods. Yes, I said “a monster”. A human with a heart wouldn’t do that. So heartless. I wouldn’t even throw my trash out like that, so to do a person like that? A body? That’s why I say, “a monster”. That’s how my son was found! In the woods! Who would do something like that? Why would you do my son like that? I really want to look “this monster” in the face and ask them “why?” Today is Saturday sittin at home thinkin bout my son this is the day he always call his mother ,ask me mother are you cookin big Sunday dinner,which most times I do which kinda of traditional for our family son come over have dinner wit mother aunt one of his aunt sister if she be here live in another state fews more relative.We talk and laugh watch movies oh how I miss my and love my son so much the emotions experience im dealing wit some day angry or sad when I lost my son significant part of me were gone,as a mother were devastating along with the usual symptoms and grief difficult to resolve and this grief the loss of my son can be exacerbcted and complicated feelings of injustice the understandable feeling this loss never should have happened.

Faith is a source of comfort for me and maybe some more parents.God brought me thru im pray ask him to give me strength everyday and he had God some parents but other with religious beliefs. Please don’t judge yes I still cry mostly everyday, yes it been seven years surving the death and loss my son. Lossin of a child take dedication, to life.As a parent i gave birth to life as a promise to the future,no matter how many years go by the anniversary date of when our child died bring back deep sad memories and painful feeling please don’t let anyone tell you how long you should grieve over youre love one everyone different.If you ignore grief and push it down or away, you can live and even function,but you will live a very narrow emotional life Embracing it sure you gonna have our moments,as a parents ask ourself to your childs want us to worry stress, get sick their lookin at us im ok don’t worry im in Heaven now.On grieving you have to do the work of you have to let it run its course. Im finds myself after to pull back from the grief, taking a walk around the block to release the tension if this doesn’t help I get in my car drive to my sister house. My sister suggest go to Walmart her favorite store I pick up few items to take my mind off my son far a while. My life has shattering experience and that you have to mourn and ask God to give me strength that you can move on positively into a new chapter of life. I tell all peoples that you I having wit some my friends understand and some don’t I can tell there were, loss the express on their faces like what the freakin she talking bout.Like the person im am ask me I will explain .Im try not watch the news but sometimes don’t have control if over someone house looking at the news channel and this tradgedy come to peoples killing mostly young black mens were being murder people have asked me about the criminal justice system it is what it is it need to be more affect.

A letter to my son… To My Sweet Ivan,

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I know you’re in a better place. Heaven must be nice, huh? I just want to let you know that you have always been a great son. You’re so lovable, intelligent, respectful. I couldn’t have asked for a better son. One day will meet again sweetie. This time, through Christ. When I come home my heart will no longer be broken. There will be no more tears, and no more restless nights. There will be no more pain and no more suffering. Just happy times surrounded by love. I will see you in Heaven baby boy, with the biggest smile on my face. And this time around, there will be no separation. It will be for eternity. One day I’ll finally be home. God will bring us back together. We will once again be a happy family again. Mama loves you always.

Until We Meet Again, Mama