My Book Of Poems 5a3l17

MY BOOK OF POEMS

Bernard Morris

© 2021 Bernard Morris

First Edition

The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrievable system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Cover by Sponchia/Pixabay

CONTENTS

Old Friends

Rainy Day Talent Contests

The Customer

If We Don't Sort The Problems Out

Donald Trump The President Was Anything But Brave

Kelp!

Isolation Row

Your Hair And Teeth Are Falling Out

Those Four Words

I Want To Feel Your Loving Heart

Don't Think Twice It's Alright To Sell Your Entire Catalogue Of Songs

Now I'm Nearly Four

Every Time I See Your Smile

We're Homo Sapiens

Uncle Charlie The Funny Clown

He Looks Like A Woman, You See

Silverback Fighter

Hogging The Ball

Your Nose Is Red And Swollen

All You Need Is Gloves

Breastfeeding In Public

All The Junk Food

Quarantine Delight

At The Doctors

Covid Deaths Are Mounting

Bad Pie

Antibody

Twerking Ass Hero

There Was A Time

How Can Anybody Ever Eat A Cow

When You Forget To Buy A Present

ing Thatcher

I Am In Bed

Old Age

Corona Corona

Fried Fish Is Nice

As You Get Older

A Virus Called Covid

That Yolk Isn't Runny Anymore

Librariantics

If I Had Never Met You

Oops! I Farted Again

Not For Me To Sing

MuckDonalds

Donald The President

Big Toe

All Night Pong

Mr Tangerine Man

Don't

Knockin' On Bevan's Door

Can't Get It Out Of My Shed

We Milligan

Colourful Chameleon

I Wanna Wash My Hands

Swearing

Starfish

He Is Beep Beep

I Am Enormous

I'm In Love With Your Behind

Old Lady Walking To The Shop

Referendum 2

You're A Truly Devoted Real Ale Lover

The Capitol Front And Back Door

You Know I Can't Sweat

There's A New Single Out

Virus

A Mansion

I Can't Pooh

I’ve Always Been Health Conscious

OLD FRIENDS

when we were kids

Full of the joys of spring

Always having a laugh

And not being afraid to sing

The simple things we used to do

Like climbing over walls

Playing hide and seek in the street

And playing kerby with footballs

None of this computer rubbish

The kids all play these days

We got our pleasure from simple things

Like getting lost in a maze

It didn’t take much to keep us happy

We came home from school and got changed

If you told today’s kids what we did for fun

They’d look at you as if you were deranged

We had our tea, played out on the front

Till our Mums shouted us in

Some of us played out all day on the field

And our Mums got drunk on gin

We always looked forward to Thursdays

For Thursday was Market Day

We’d jump on to Mr Mather’s cart

And he’d take us all the way

He’d take us all down to the market

But that horse didn’t half pong

We’d stop and pick Molly Rankin up on the way

And we’d all have a sing-a-long

And Billy Baker and Elsie Parker

You could get half the village on that cart

And there’d be an enormous roar of laughter

Every time Eddie Rogers did a fart

Those were the days and it was always sunny

Whether skipping or climbing trees

Please open your eyes, don’t leave me yet

It’s not time, don’t leave me...please

RAINY DAY TALENT CONTESTS

Well, they’ll know you when you’re judging on the

They’ll know you when your name is Simon Cowell

They’ll know you when you’re David or Amanda

A polar bear, a dog or a panda

And I would not feel so all alone

Everybody must get known

Well, they’ll know you when your name’s Alisha Dixon

They’ll know you when they give you an ovation

They’ll know you when your name is Darcey Oake

If you can sing or even tell a joke

And I would not feel so all alone

Everybody must get known

Well, they’ll know you when you’re Old Men Grooving

They’ll know you when your voice is quite soothing

They’ll know you when you’re name is Susan Boyle

She’s so big she could almost be a Royal

And I would not feel so all alone

Everybody must get known

Well, they’ll know you when your name is Lucy Kay

They’ll know you when you’re straight or when you’re gay

David doesn’t care either way

He’s not bothered if you’re Rosy or you’re Ray

And I would not feel so all alone

Everybody must get known

Well, we know we cannot all be Simon Cowell

Not even the amazing Jai McDowall

No-one can be as big as Ant & Dec

But we can all dream on so what the heck

And I would not feel so all alone

Everybody must get known

THE CUSTOMER

A customer stood in a shop one day

He said, “Shoes have six legs and a tail,

Lulu was arrested for eating a pie

And the Queen once married a snail.

The moon is made of spinach,

And Trevor McDonald is white.”

One thing that can be learnt from this poem

Is that the customer is not always right

IF WE DON’T SORT THE PROBLEMS OUT

The ice caps they are melting

The tides are getting high

And there will be no setting

Of a sun in darkened sky

Plastic and air pollution

Destroying every nation

And unhygienic wet markets

Are causing devastation

If we don’t sort the problems out

Humanity will die

So let’s all as one and shout

Together we must try

Overpopulation

The effects are quite severe

Like bad contamination

Of the planet’s atmosphere

Abundance of clear-cuttings

Destroying all the trees

Increasing greenhouse gasses

For all of us to breathe

If we don’t sort the problems out

Humanity will die

So let’s all as one and shout

Together we must try

The weather’s changing far too much

Intensifying droughts

With heat waves and hurricanes

Far worse without a doubt

The rain it falls like acid

Causing chaos on the ground

Destroying all the lakes and trees

For miles and miles around

If we don’t sort the problems out

Humanity will die

So let’s all as one and shout

Together we must try

The extinction of our species

Is caused by fossil fuel

We burn far too much oil and coal

Destruction isn’t cool

We pump too much pollution

Into the atmosphere

To anyone with half a brain

It’s absolutely clear

If we don’t sort the problems out

Humanity will die

So let’s all as one and shout

Together we must try

DONALD TRUMP THE PRESIDENT WAS ANYTHING BUT BRAVE

Donald Trump the President was anything but brave

Donald Trump the President was anything but brave

Donald Trump the President was anything but brave

And the world is glad he’s gone

Glory glory hallelujah

Glory glory hallelujah

Glory glory hallelujah

And the world is glad he’s gone

Thomas, George and Abraham were turning in their graves

Thomas, George and Abraham were turning in their graves

Thomas, George and Abraham were turning in their graves

‘Cause the world was upside down

Glory glory hallelujah

Glory glory hallelujah

Glory glory hallelujah

And we all go marching on

KELP!

Kelp! I need some seaweed

Kelp! Not just any seaweed

Kelp! You know I need some seaweed

Kelp!

When I was younger so much younger than today

I never needed large brown kelp in any way

But now those days are gone my age it has matured

Now I’m fat and my behind is almost on the floor

Kelp is good for you if you feel down

You’ll find it on the beach and it is brown

But don’t fall in the water or you’ll drown

In the deep deep blue sea

A bottle of kelp pills will last for thirty days

And then you’ll feel the benefit in many ways

Your saggy bum will be no longer on the floor

And your muscles will look like they’ve never looked before

Kelp is good for you if you feel down

You’ll find it on the beach and it is brown

But don’t fall in the water or you’ll drown

In the deep deep blue sea

ISOLATION ROW

They’re filling graveyards with the virus

There’s panic all over town

The ‘roaches will survive us

The planet will close down

Here comes the gloved practitioner

He cannot take a chance

The wards and morgues are chocker

No surgeons and no transplants

And the population’s restless

They need somewhere to go

But they’ve been told by the Government

To stay in Isolation Row

The arrows in the shopping mall

They’re pointing all one way

The customers don’t like it

They long for yesterday

When they could go down any aisle

And not be afraid to walk

And there was no such thing as a mask on their face

To stop them from having a talk

It’s very sad when you look at them

They were happy long ago

But now they’re sad and lonely

In Isolation Row

Stay at home if you’re feeling wheezy

The number you know what to dial

To ignore the advice it’s so easy

But it’s not worthwhile

We must stop the spread of this virus

Wash your hands, cover your mouth when you cough

This disease is not desirous

If someone walks towards you back-off

For the only sound that’s left

After the ambulances go

Is the ones who are left behind

In Isolation Row

Now Boris is almost hidden

He seems to always hide

He’s left his team to brief us all

Himself he’s gone inside

Nobody knows what’s going on

The rules have caused confusion

But one thing’s for sure

After twelve long months

We’ve come to a conclusion

The country would be better off

This is a fact we know

If this Government shut up and stayed

In Isolation Row

YOUR HAIR AND TEETH ARE FALLING OUT

Your hair and teeth are falling out

Your belly’s getting bigger

There was a time when no doubt

You had a lovely figure

But now you’re fat and nearly bald

Your skin has gone all wrinkly

You’re so much wider than you are tall

And you cannot see your winkie!

THOSE FOUR WORDS

I’ve dreamt about doing it lots of times

Kissing him on the lips

It wouldn’t bother me if they were full of grease

From eating fish and chips

Or even if he’d had a chunk

Of sweaty smelly cheese

A pungent fetid stinker

I just want to kiss them – please

I’ve had to stop myself from doing it

Lots of times in fact

And the only thing that’s stopped me is

The thought of how he’d react

The worst is when I’ve had a drink

Or two or three or four

He looks fit enough when I’m sober

But when I’m drunk – phwooar!

My true feelings come out when I’ve had a beer

It makes me want to say

“There’s something I have to tell you, mate

I love you and I’m gay”

I’ve been sitting with him in a pub

And I’ve very nearly told him

That I want to kiss him on the lips

And put my arms around him

I’ve nearly told him lots of times

Those four words would tell him straight

And I don’t mean “Get the ale in!”

I mean “I love you, mate!”

I WANT TO FEEL YOUR LOVING HEART

I want to feel your loving heart

Beating next to mine

I want to see your underwear

Hanging on my line

I want to see your tender body

Responding to my touch

I want to take a good long look

Especially at your crutch

I want to feel my trembling flesh

Rubbing against yours

I want to feel as though I’m wanted

But I do not want applause

I want to writhe and wriggle

Until I lose control

I want to kiss your slender neck

And bite your hairy mole

I want to open up to you

Reveal a basic impulse

I want to scale those dizzy heights

My flesh I want to convulse

I want to feel hot waves of pleasure

Stirring fiery lust

I want us both to shake like crazy

Until we both combust!

DON’T THINK TWICE IT’S ALL RIGHT TO SELL YOUR ENTIRE CATALOGUE OF SONGS

Well there ain’t no use in keeping all your songs, Bob

It’s time you sold them all by now

Selling off your soul it may be wrong, Bob

It’ll raise more than one eyebrow

But you’re getting old and just want to yawn

Just sign on the line and they’ll all be gone

Think of the dough and put a happy face on

Don’t think twice it’s all right

Wiggle Wiggle it was not all right, Bob

That one you could have done without

But most of your great songs they were the height, Bob

Of song writing flair without a doubt

But I wish you hadn’t given them away

I wish that you had let them stay

But we can still listen to them anyway

Don’t think twice it’s all right

No doubt we’ll see you on the road again, Bob

Like we’ve done a thousand times before

And the fans will not stop calling out your name, Bob

Of that you can be sure

But your hippie ideas in the wind they have blown

A sell out this huge it has never been known

You gave us your heart but you gave them your soul

I’ve changed my mind, it’s NOT all right

But I just want to say thanks for all your songs, Bob

And whatever you do, I wish you well

Your songs they gave us all a better world, Bob

Without them it would have been hell

You really are one of a kind

There’s never been a soul with a greater mind

And thanks for giving us your precious time

I’ve forgiven you, it’s all right

NOW I’M NEARLY FOUR

When I was younger I had no hair

Couldn’t even walk

Couldn’t force one out when it was potty time

Had a nappy wrapped around my behind

Cried through the night till quarter to four

Then I cried some more

You had to feed me ‘cause I was so needy

But now I’m nearly four

I still love candy, wear bigger shoes

And I can put them on

But cannot tie the laces yet though I have tried

On Sunday mornings I play on the slide

Play in the garden, that’s all I need

Who could ask for more?

We are so happy, we are so so care-free

Now we’re nearly four

Just last summer when I cried I kept my mum and dad awake

I cried because of fear

I wasn’t that brave

They sat me on their knee

Lots of love they gave

I play in the back yard, the pleasure is mine

There is lots to do

Eat a cake nicely baked from yesterday

Till it’s fully eaten away

Then if I fancy, if it is warm

I’ll play for evermore

I am so happy, I am so care-free

Now I’m nearly four

EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR SMILE

Every time I see your smile

A rush of feeling rises

Every time I feel your breath

My ion liquidizes

My heart it beats so frantically

My health it jeopardizes

Every touch of your fingertips

Provokes a little sigh

Every kiss from your warm wet lips

Upon my trembling thigh

Makes me feel so good inside

Makes me feel so high

Every time you hold me tight

My nerve-ends set alight

Every time you go to work

On my stick of gelignite

I start to shake and tremble

And beg you not to bite!

WE’RE HOMO SAPIENS

We’ve got no shoes

So what that’s fine

We’ve got no dentist

And we ain’t got a dime

As for bad aches

We’ve had a few

Sabre tooth tigers and

Tics bite our face

But we’ve come through

And we mean to go on and on and on

We’re homo sapiens, my friends

And we’ll keep on fighting till the end

We’re homo sapiens

We’re homo sapiens

No time for ‘anderthals

‘Cause we’re homo sapiens

It’s our world

There aren’t any cows

No tennis balls

I’ve found me a fruit skin

I’m wiping my bum with it

But it’s too small

So I sit in the roses

Don’t dare accuse

Me of not having

A fresh-scented bum

There are no loos

And we mean to go on and on and on

We’re homo sapiens, my friends

And we’ll keep on fighting till the end

We’re homo sapiens

We’re homo sapiens

No time for ‘anderthals

‘Cause we’re homo sapiens

It’s our world

UNCLE CHARLIE THE FUNNY CLOWN

Uncle Charlie the funny clown

He died and we had him cremated

Aunty Mavis the tightrope walker

She cried and we had her sedated

Charlie’s coffin took ages to burn

The service it would have been shorter

If not for the fact that all of his friends

On the coffin poured buckets of water

HE LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN, YOU SEE

With a beautiful smile

And two enticing eyes

An hour-glass figure and two creamy thighs

A skirt and high heels and a stunning beaut-y

He’s really a man

But he looks like a woman, you see

With a ion for love

And a glamour that shines through

With a beauty like youth that’s so hard to achieve

And the grace it is stunning they all will agree

He can’t be a man

‘Cause he looks like a woman, you see

You’ll be promised lots more

Than the Garden of Eden

Soft hands will caress you

Whilst you are proceeding

To give them your best

But then you will see

The truth will unfold

When he goes to the toilet to pee

And once that you find

That he’s got his Crown Jewels

You can give them a squeeze

It would be rather cool

Though it wasn’t predicted

I’m sure you’ll agree

This is something quite new

And quite thrilling for you

And something you’re quite glad to see

SILVERBACK FIGHTER

You must be crazy if you dare to look

Into his eyes, if so then he will pick you up

If you pooh yourself he will smell your fear

And he’ll knock you out ‘cause he’s a 30 stone

Silverback fighter

In a fit of fury he’ll do all he can

To end your life you must understand

Just one punch from an angry male

It will take you down ‘cause he’s a 30 stone

Silverback fighter

He’s 800 pounds give or take a few

And the place for him it’s not in a zoo

It will stress him out and make him very mad

And he’ll beat his chest ‘cause he’s a 30 stone

Silverback fighter

If you really want to you can have a fight

But he’ll show his fangs and he’ll take a bite

He will show his strength and he’ll stamp his feet

And he’ll charge at you ‘cause he’s a 30 stone

Silverback fighter

HOGGING THE BALL

At first I thought that you could be the perfect ideal friend

A fire in your soul, a ion with no end

Open and outgoing with a stimulating flair

I marvelled at the way that you lit up the very air

At first you seemed funny, the enthusiastic kind

But a more self-centred fool could I never ever find

So easy to get on with, so easy to get close

There was no hint I’d ever yearn for a much smaller dose

The very fact you talked about your life made me believe

That I could talk about myself but I was so naive

This I found to my dismay, it took not long to see

A more narcissistic soul could there never ever be

Soon enough I realised you simply do not care

About anyone except yourself, you’re simply unaware

Just how boring you really are with your self-centred conversations

Your endless self-obsessed talk, it gives me palpitations

Insensitive to my needs, you don’t listen to what I say

I’d get no reaction if I said, “The Pope and Queen are gay!”

Only a fool would gladly suffer an egotistic bore

It’s time you heard the truth my friend

Go – there’s the door!

YOUR NOSE IS RED AND SWOLLEN

Your nose is red and swollen

Your belly fat and round

When you forget to wear your belt

Your pants fall to the ground

Your liver’s twice the size it was

Your eyes are almost shut

Your wrinkled little floppy thing

Is hidden by your gut!

ALL YOU NEED IS GLOVES

Gloves, gloves, gloves

Gloves, gloves, gloves

Gloves, gloves, gloves

There’s nothing you can touch that can’t be touched

With your super strength disposable powder free gloves

Just put them on for kitchen and catering jobs

It’s easy

You can buy a box from your local chemist

If your British, German, Russian or Flemish

They are perfect for keeping dirt from under your nails

It’s easy

All you need is gloves

All you need is gloves

All you need is gloves, gloves

Gloves is all you need

Gloves, gloves, gloves

Gloves, gloves, gloves

Gloves, gloves, gloves

You can use them for jobs that aren’t too rough

When performing wax treatments on clients in the buff

And you won’t get any of those sticky feelings on your hands

That’s queasy

All you need is gloves

All you need is gloves

All you need is gloves, gloves

Gloves is all you need

BREASTFEEDING IN PUBLIC

She came storming out of the restaurant

She was fuming, raging, mad

I said, “What’s happened, love?”

She said, “I’ve been thrown out for breastfeeding.”

I said, “That’s really, really sad.”

She said, “The customers complained,

I got told off

And was given a smack on the bum.”

I said, “Who did that?

The Manager?”

She said, “No. The baby’s Mum.”

ALL THE JUNK FOOD

Bacon chips and cake, a bag of curly fries

It’s amazing you’re not dead, you’re only twenty five

Twenty five, look more like forty five

Chinese food and pies, Marathon and Mars

Noodles filling pots, and Crunchie Bars

Full of taste

Chunky chubby fat face

Boiling in a bag is lazy

Making you overweight and lifeless wrecks

But man you need a belt when you bust your kecks

You’re splitting your vest

It’s bad food

All the junk food

Curry and booze

Bad for your mood

All the junk food

Now Jelly Tots are sweet, yellow orange red and green

You can suck them like a fool and the eggs are full of cream

You can’t get enough

You can’t get enough

Too fat to leave home, now you’re over twenty stone

You got a nasty cough and you’re feeling very rough

Skinny sags

Too many fags

Well you don’t know how to dine

And you’re not feeling fine

You just wanna go to bed

And your belly has gone round

And soon you will be dead

It’s causing distress

It’s bad food

All the junk food

Curry and booze

Bad for your mood

All the junk food

QUARANTINE DELIGHT

Gonna close my curtains, have a right good night

Gonna grab some quarantine delight

My lockdown is a dream makes me feel alright

Gonna dance and sing till the middle of the night

When everything’s a little dreary in the light of day

I can think about the night and I’ll be well away

Dancing to a tune I get an appetite

This is what I call a quarantine delight

Don’t need nobody else to make the sparks ignite

Sheilding from the world I find it so exciting

Nobody in sight

Quarantine delight

This pandemic’s no good if you’re a socialite

Which I’m not, for people make me feel uptight

With my curtains closed cutting out the light

I’m in Heaven and the world is out of sight

Nobody in sight

Quarantine delight

I am thinking I’d be happy living underground

I would be so very happy it would be so profound

Dancing to a tune I get an appetite

This is what I call a quarantine delight

Don’t need nobody else to make the sparks ignite

Sheilding from the world I find it so exciting

Nobody in sight

Quarantine delight

AT THE DOCTORS

Hello, doctor. Oh…

I’d rather stay standing if that’s ok

Er...well it’s a bit embarrassing really

I’d rather not say

Well...it’s my arse

Sorry...my bottom, I’ve got an itchy bottom

It’s been like this a while

Oh I’d say since last autumn

It’s itchy, proper itchy, itchy all the time

Sometimes I’ll start scratching at six

And I’ll still be scratching by nine

I must warn you, doc, it’s not a pleasant sight

I looked at it in the mirror the other day

And it gave me quite a fright

So is there anything up there, doc?

I’ve got an anal fissure?

Is that serious?

A small split in the skin at the entrance to my rectum?

Oh my god! I feel quite delirious!

So what’s caused that then?

The age of a hard stool?

Excuse me!

I’ve never had anything up there!

Not even a tool!

To shove anything up there as big as a stool

I’d have to be a fool

I’ve never been so insulted

I’m going and I’m not coming back

I knew I shouldn’t have dropped my pants

And showed you my crack

Goodbye!

Oh god, that was so embarrassing

I feel such a fool

I knew I shouldn’t have started

With something as big as a stool

COVID DEATHS ARE MOUNTING

It’s time the tale were told

Of how we all stockpiled

And made toilet rolls

Worth their weight in gold

Covid deaths are mounting

Stay inside your bungalow

Or you’ll get it now

Fifteen minutes with you

Well I’d definitely say no

The doctor said that I’d be certainly dead

It would be so wrong

Fifteen minutes with you

Well I’d definitely say no

The doctor said I should stay in bed

And he was so right

He was so right

I thought I had the flu last night

And I sneezed and I coughed twice

My arms and legs were thrashing like a dragonfly

My hair it was all matted to my head

I thought soon I could be dead

Somebody please

Give me a virtual squeeze

In case I die

Covid deaths are mounting

Stay inside your bungalow

Or you’ll get it now

BAD PIE

Throw up and have a runny nose

Carrots all over my clothes

Aching from my head to my toes

I feel so horrible

Nothing to do with all the ale

That’s not why I look so pale

Or why my breath is stale

I look so terrible

It was a bad pie

An out of date pie

An undercooked pie

Full of rotten meat pie

It was a bad pie

Make your tummy ache pie

Give you runny bot pie

Belly ache and pooh pie

It was a bad pie

I went and filled the toilet bowl

Used more than one toilet roll

I completely lost control

I was like an animal

Curled up on the bathroom floor

I can’t take this any more

Never eating a pie again

I am so miserable

It was a bad pie

An out of date pie

An undercooked pie

Full of rotten meat pie

It was a bad pie

Make your tummy ache pie

Give you runny bot pie

Belly ache and pooh pie

It was a bad pie

ANTIBODY

I love my job, I really do

There’s nothing in the world I’d rather do

The camaraderie binds us together

I’d do this job forever and ever

Me and the boys have the greatest respect

Our duties we will never neglect

It is our job to fight infection

And to give our host the utmost protection

In the past we’ve fought lots of nasty invasions

And it’s been quite a battle on many occasions

But this is the biggest we’ve had to fight

And fight we will with all our might

Invading microbes we’re not afraid of

We’ll show those pathogens what we are made of

Like our ancestors before us who bravely defeated

The Black Death until it retreated

We’ll never surrender, we’ll fight till the end

In us mankind has a friend

We’ll fight in the throat, we’ll fight in the heart

We’ll fight till we tear those invaders apart

We’ll fight in the lungs, we’ll fight in the brain

We’ll fight with the strength of a hurricane

And they’ll be no question of for what it’s worth

For we’ll wipe Covid off the face of the Earth

TWERKING ASS HERO

You lower your stance till you’re no longer tall

This butt-shaking dance is for one and for all

It’s for Arthur and Martha, for Paula and Paul

A twerking ass hero is something to be

A twerking ass hero is something to be

The dancers they do it by thrusting their hips

If you look on the web there are plenty of clips

If your arse is too big it can cause an eclipse

A twerking ass hero is something to be

A twerking ass hero is something to be

The guys get turned on by the shaking of buns

They stick out their chest and they show off their guns

This sort of thing’s not for their daughters or sons

A twerking ass hero is something to be

A twerking ass hero is something to be

It’s not easy to get in a low squatting stance

You lower yourself and you take a chance

Then the music takes over and you go in a trance

A twerking ass hero is something to be

A twerking ass hero is something to be

You bend over and clap and your shoulders you hustle

To keep up with the best you must hustle your bustle

But if you do it too quick you just might pull a muscle

A twerking ass hero is something to be

THERE WAS A TIME

There was a time many years ago

When you could drink all night

But now after just two or three

You look a sorry sight

You speak with a slur

You walk with a stagger

You lean back on your stool

You fall to the floor

And bang your head

A drunken silly fool!

HOW CAN ANYBODY EVER EAT A COW

It’s so wrong to want meat on a bone

And to see all the juices flow

From the tail to the tongue

Makes me so mad

How can anybody ever eat a cow

The worst crime in the world that is quite clear

So don’t eat meat tonight

Stay in and have a glass of red wine with Danish Blue

A glass of red wine with Danish Blue

All the veggies are right to be mad

What you eat it makes them sad

From the tail to the tongue

Makes me so mad

How can anybody ever eat a cow

The worst crime in the world that is quite clear

So don’t eat meat tonight

Stay in and have a glass of red wine with Danish Blue

A glass of red wine with Danish Blue

It’s obscene that the cow must die

How can death bring so much joy

It’s obscene that the cow must die

How can death bring so much joy

How can anybody ever eat a cow

I would rather jump in the fire

Stay in and have a glass of red wine

Stay in and have a glass of red wine

WHEN YOU FORGET TO BUY A PRESENT

Believe it or not

It’s completely true

Just what to buy you

I hadn’t a clue

So in the end

Because you’re a friend

I decided this card

Would perfectly do!

ING THATCHER

She spent millions on nuclear bombs

And there were three million on the dole

She kept the miners at work

By building up stocks of coal

And she sent the police on the picketers

Crushing their heart and soul

And what about those shelters

She told us to build

In case war broke out

She told us to hide in the cupboard

Under the stairs

What was all that about?

Put bags of sand against the door

That’s what she told us to do

Swear down, I’m not making this up

She didn’t have a clue

We’d have had more chance of surviving

If we’d all hidden in the fridge

Or if we’d jumped with a ball and chain from

The Sydney Harbour Bridge

If the bomb had dropped

We’d have had no chance of surviving

Not even from a very long distance

We would have all been blown

All fifty six million of us

Into a big fiery ball of non-existence

Some of us would have been melted

Or poisoned by radiation

I thinking:

I don’t fancy either of them

I would have preferred an alien invasion

Hiding behind the sofa when we were kids

Might have protected us against

The Doctor Who monsters

But hiding in a cupboard from a nuclear bomb

The woman was fucking bonkers

When she died in 2013

Some people leapt up and down with joy

Her ers weren’t happy about the celebration

“That’s very bad taste,” they would grumble

Personally I would have leapt up and down myself

But she snatched my milk when I was a child

And a lack of calcium had caused

The bones in my legs to crumble

I AM IN BED

The day is fine the sun shines most the time

But I’m lying on my back

Feeling low and my breathing’s slow

I can only dream of skipping about

And carrying a rucksack

I still look pretty but my eyes are glazed

And anyways

I’ve been through lots worse wars

As long as I am in my home

Home sweet home’s

The place that I adore

I am in bed

And there’s no one there

And no one’s here at all

To give me some care

In bed I cry

Don’t want to die

And I feel lost and I can’t

Even say bye

Believe me I’m really ill

I’m the happiest I’ve been when I’m in my dream

I’m trying to cling

The dream’s the same one

It’s a rainbow of games

And the colour it changes

But of course without you

The dream is a sad one

But like so many I’m stuck inside

We’ve all cried

But it soon will all go

But I’m so mad I wanna swear

And I’m always scared

Of the sound of being alone

I am in bed

And there’s no one there

And no one’s here at all

To give me some care

In bed I cry

Don’t want to die

And I feel lost and I can’t

Even say bye

Believe me I’m really ill

I am in bed

In bed I cry

I am

OLD AGE

Wrinkled skin

Double chin

Flabby tum

Saggy bum

Thinning lips

Replacement hips

Toothless smiles

Itchy piles

Walking stick

Feeling sick

Hairy warts

Confusing thoughts

Lots of rants

Piss your pants

Lose your hair

Don’t care!

CORONA CORONA

Corona Corona

Now that you’ve come along

Corona Corona

Now that you’ve come along

I been worried about my me and my baby

And we gotta stay at home

I got a cough that tickles

I got a throat that stings

I got a cough that tickles

I got a throat that stings

And now we’ve both got Corona

Life don’t mean a thing

Corona Corona

To us you’ve been unkind

Corona Corona

To us you’ve been unkind

Not just for me and my baby

But for the whole of mankind

Corona Corona

You been with us too long

Corona Corona

You been with us too long

Not just with me and my baby

But you’re in my song

FRIED FISH IS NICE

Fried fish is nice

And fried fish is lovely

It’s good for you

And full of omega-3

So if there’s something

You’d like me to fry

If there’s something

You’d like me to fry

Ask me, I won’t say no

How could I?

Fried fish is nice

And fried fish is gorgeous

Put it in your mouth

Said the bishop to the actress

So if there’s something

You’d like me to fry

If there’s something

You’d like me to fry

Ask me, I won’t say no

How could I?

Spending long winter days

In the kitchen

Oh there’s nothing worse

Than herbivores in the universe

Ask me, ask me, ask me

Ask me, ask me, ask me

Because if it’s not duck

Then it’s the cod, the cod, the cod, the cod

The cod, the cod

That’ll bring us together

Batter on a sausage is indeed

Gorgeous

Batter on a sausage is indeed

Gorgeous

So ask me, ask me, ask me

Ask me, ask me, ask me

Because If it’s not duck

Then it’s the cod, the cod, the cod, the cod

The cod, the cod

That’ll bring us together

AS YOU GET OLDER

As you get older

The harder it gets

For you to get an erection

There once was a time

When it stuck right up

But now it hangs in the other direction!

As you get older your body puffs out

Your clothes they no longer fit

There was a time when life was fun

But now it’s a load of shit!

A VIRUS CALLED COVID

This is the story of a virus called Covid

It’s trying to end the world

By the end of the year two thousand and twenty

Three life-saving vaccines unfurled

One came from Oxford, the other Moderna

The third it came from Pfizer

It was perfectly safe to take one or the other

As told by the top adviser

But even so some people were scared

They believed in conspiracy theories

They were young and usually smart

Not dazed and bewildered old dearies

Fear and anxiety, loss of control

Caused them en masse to behave

In ways that they usually wouldn’t

Their beliefs they would take to their grave

Not a hundred percent of the world’s population

Decided to have the jab

The others believed the pandemic was planned

And the virus it came from a lab

Those are the ones who firmly believe

The vaccine will alter your genes

They believe it will make you infertile

But the rest of us know what this means

That the ones with these crazy maddening views

Are a threat to the rest of mankind

And the rest of the world will go on to survive

And leave all of this madness behind

THAT YOLK ISN’T RUNNY ANYMORE

The egg in the pan it has boiled

You should know

Takes a minute and another two

When you laugh about people

Who feel so very useless

They couldn’t boil an egg if they tried

They’re afraid

And it makes them run a mile

It doesn’t make me laugh

‘Cause that yolk isn’t runny anymore

I’m afraid it’s well known

My white’s hard as bone

I’m afraid it’s well known

My white’s hard as bone

I’ll have to have another go

Pick a shell white or brown

Pick a shell white or brown

Pick a shell white or brown

Pick a shell white or brown

It was sad as I ate it alone

It tasted like shit

With my spoon I bashed it

And decided to fry with a sunny side-up after all

Now I am happy with my fork and knife

And now everything’s fine

Now I am happy with my fork and knife

And now everything’s fine

Now everything’s fine

Everything’s fine

Everything’s fine

Everything’s fine

Everything’s fine

LIBRARIANTICS

Upon the desk at my local library

I placed a paper frog

And then from out of my carrier bag

I pulled out a paper dog

I placed it next to the paper frog

And pulled out a paper plane

The librarian gave me a funny look

And thought I’d gone insane

A paper duck and a paper horse

Followed in quick succession

The librarian thought I’d lost my mind

You could tell by her facial expression

The paper duck and the paper horse

Were ed by a paper giraffe

The librarian gave me a funny look

And said, “You having a laugh?”

She told me to stop and she gave me a look

As if I was completely barmy

She said, “What’s all this?”

I said, “I’m returning that book

I borrowed last week,

The one on Origami.”

IF I HAD NEVER MET YOU

If I had never met you

I never would be sad

But meet you’s what I did do

Of which I am so glad

For if I had never met you

My world would be so cold

For along with all the sadness

Come memories of gold

At night I cry myself to sleep

And in my dreams I find

My love becomes requited

And gives me peace of mind

But then I wake and realize

You’re still just my best friend

But I will always hold a torch

Until the very end

We went to the pub

We had a drink

And Suede and Morrissey

Were concerts that we went to

You meant the world to me

And you still do

And always will

No matter who I meet

For no-one will come close to you

Nobody can compete

OOPS! I FARTED AGAIN

I think I farted again

I made a bum breeze I love breaking wind

Oh baby

Hailing Emperor Crush

The smell is obscene and I’m billious

‘Cause I’ve got all of my senses

I just know that I am so smelly

Oh baby baby

Oops! I farted again

I made a big fart ass scented methane

Oh baby baby

Oops! I’ve just cracked one off

It’s making me cough

My bum is an instrument

When I am blowing a kiss

A big thunder spray

Anal volcanoes they truly exist

I strain ripping my ass

I can see it’s not cool in releasing gas

‘Cause I’ve got all of my senses

I just know that I am so smelly

Oh baby baby

Oops! I farted again

I made a big fart ass scented methane

Oh baby baby

Oops! I’ve just cracked one off

It’s making me cough

My bum is an instrument

“All aboard!”

“Shitney, before you go there’s something I have to give you.”

“What is it? Oh...it’s a...”

“Yeah, yes it is.”

“It’s a cork to shove up my bum to stop me from farting. Oh, you shouldn’t have.”

“I should! You stink!”

Oops! I farted again

I made a big fart ass scented methane

Oh baby baby

Oops! I’ve just cracked one off

It’s making me cough

My bum is an instrument

NOT FOR ME TO SING

How many pints can a man knock down

Before you call him a man

Yes and how many bottles of real brown ale

Can he drink without getting canned

Yes and how many ts can he smoke to get high

Before he can no longer stand

The answer my friend’s not for me to sing

The answer’s not for me to sing

Yes and how many beers can he down to get pissed

Without even taking a pee

Yes and how many beers can some people resist

Especially if they are free

Yes and how many times can those eyes turn to red

Before he can no longer see

The answer my friend’s not for me to sing

The answer’s not for me to sing

Yes and how many times can a man throw up

Till there’s carrots all over his thighs

Yes and how many donner kebabs can he eat

With a portion of thick greasy fries

Yes and how many pints can he no longer sup

Before he drops down and dies

The answer my friend’s not for me to sing

The answer’s not for me to sing

MUCKDONALDS

I was eating a meal at Muckdonalds

Six cheeseburgers on top of each other

A dietician walked in and said, “Who bought you that?”

I said, “My dear old caring Mother.”

He said, “You can’t eat that, it’s full of fat.”

I said, “It’s today’s special deal.”

He said, “Well it’s not very healthy.”

I said, “Oh yes it is.

It’s a well-balanced meal.”

DONALD THE PRESIDENT

One dark night

A big fat lump of shit

Was elected as the President

Even though he wasn’t fit

A brain-damaged ape

A vile and sleazy tit

A sociopathic narcissist

Who doesn’t care a bit

Donald the President – he’s a punk

His whole command is a circus

Off he goes with a trumpety-trump

Trump Trump Trump

Donald the President – he’s a punk

He thinks the world is a jungle

Off he goes with a trumpety-trump

Trump Trump Trump

The rest of the world is calling

Don’t let him stay

We’ll meet one night in the silver light

And take him away

A crude and nasty bigot

A bag of toxic goop

A disgusting egomaniac

Who talks a load of poop

A human horror show

A predatory beast

A xenophobic asshole

At the very very least

Donald the President – he’s a punk

His whole command is a circus

Off he goes with a trumpety-trump

Trump Trump Trump

BIG TOE

Hello

Come in

How’ve you been feeling?

Ok on your feet?

That’s good, take a seat

Take the weight off your feet

Now then, this big toe

As you know

We’ve tried everything to try and straighten it

Without any luck as indeed you know

Maybe with a sledgehammer we should try hitting it

But joking apart I know it’s been

The bane of your life for years

And I can only sympathise with the pain you’ve endured

And the shedding of your tears

But brace yourself, I’ve got good news

And I think you’ll be pleased to hear

I’ve got the results of your recent scan

And to me it’s perfectly clear

I can reveal your big toe isn’t bent after all

I can reveal it is perfectly straight

It’s the rest of your body that’s bent

So now you can celebrate

ALL NIGHT PONG

Well my love the time has come

To squeak one out and have some fun

Blow away the beans from my bum

Let the moon gas blow out

(blow out, blow out)

Everybody ping, everybody toot

Lose yourself in bum salute

We’re having a farty

Kabooma, butt tuba, forever

Come on and ping along

We’re going to farty

Kabooma, butt tuba, forever

Come on and ping along

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

People farting all in the street

The thunder spray down to their feet

Smelly cracks full of heat

Let the moon gas blow out

(blow out, blow out)

Feel it in your arse

And feel it in your hole

Let the tail wind take control

We’re having a farty

Kabooma, butt tuba, forever

Come on and ping along

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

Yeah once you get started

You can’t sit down

So show your bum

All over the town

Everybody’s farting their troubles away

Come our party

And blast away

Oh yes

We’re going to do a farty

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

All night pong (all night)

All night pong

Everyone you meet

They’re farting in the street

All night pong

Everyone you meet

They’re farting in the street

All night pong

Everyone you meet

They’re farting in the street

All night pong

Feel good

Feel good

MR TANGERINE MAN

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

I’m not hateful and

I don’t like what you’re saying

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

It’s just the jingoistic morons

Who’ll come following you

Donald Trump, your wrecking ball

Has tried to smash the land

You really should be banned

With your skin that’s fakely tanned

Every time I see your face I end up screaming

Your arrogance amazes me

I’m gobsmacked on my feet

You’re a liar and a cheat

And you insult in a tweet

Your catalogue of horror leaves me steaming

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

I’m not hateful and

I don’t like what you’re saying

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

It’s just the jingoistic morons

Who’ll come following you

Take yourself upon a trip

A magic swirling ship

To a whirlpool in the sea

That sucks you to the deep

Upon the bed amongst the tangled up weeds

Where you cannot go anywhere

To spread your pain and hate

I do believe in fate

I’ll give it to you straight

You’re destroying our great planet and my heart bleeds

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

I’m not hateful and

I don’t like what you’re saying

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

It’s just the jingoistic morons

Who’ll come following you

You once told an Apprentice

She’d look pretty on her knees

You’re full of filth and sleaze

You insult with shameless ease

You’re a disgrace to your country and the planet

Because you’re famous you believe

You can grab them anywhere

Your hands are everywhere

You’re completely unaware

You’ve got the IQ of a pomegranate

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

I’m not hateful and

I don’t like what you’re saying

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

It’s just the jingoistic morons

Who’ll come following you

In Boston two of your ers

Beat a homeless man

They beat him with a pipe

As he slept deep in the night

And they said that you were right

The immigrants they need to be deported

And the reason why this Mexican

Was beaten whilst he slept

It’s your Donald Trump Effect

With your racist rhetoric

With one purpose to infect

But you don’t have my respect

Thank God your Presidency was aborted

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

I’m not hateful and

I don’t like what you’re saying

Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Stay away from me

It’s just the jingoistic morons

Who’ll come following you

DON’T

Don’t run away in floods of tears

Ignore their jibes and mocking jeers

Don’t wet your cheeks with tears of pain

Ignore those creeps, they’ve got no brain

Don’t go to sleep with tearful eyes

Don’t let them hear your painful cries

Don’t cry yourself to sleep at night

With all your strength put up a fight

Don’t let them beat you, don’t let them win

Throw all the bad vibes in the bin

Don’t ever change, stay as you are

Just be yourself and you’ll go far

You’re just as good as all the rest

In fact you might just be the best

Hold on to what makes you so rare

And hold your head high in the air

There’s no one in the world like you

You are unique in all you do

You really are one of a kind

In heart and soul, in body and mind

Don’t let them beat you, don’t let them win

Throw all the bad vibes in the bin

Don’t ever change, stay as you are

Just be yourself and you’ll go far

Don’t give them the pleasure of seeing you run

Don’t run home from school crying to your Mum

If they bust your nose or blacken your eye

Don’t give them the pleasure of seeing you cry

They point and laugh, bad things they say

It’s sad they know no other way

The reason why they pick on you

‘Cause they have nothing else to do

Don’t let them beat you, don’t let them win

Throw all the bad vibes in the bin

Don’t ever change, stay as you are

Just be yourself and you’ll go far

Deep down inside they’re full of pain

There is no sun but only rain

For if their world was full of cheer

They’d show you love, that is quite clear

So in a way they’re not to blame

But they should bow their head in shame

If they turn down the help they need

For help is what they need indeed

Don’t let them beat you, don’t let them win

Throw all the bad vibes in the bin

Don’t ever change, stay as you are

Just be yourself and you’ll go far

KNOCKIN’ ON BEV BEVAN’S DOOR

Jeff Lynne’s gone away from me

I can’t see him anymore

His new band mates he went to see

So now I’m knockin’ on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bev Bevan’s door

Roy, George and Tom are in the ground

I can’t see them anymore

And now Jeff’s spaceship has been found

I’m knock, knock knocking on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bevan’s door

Knock, knock, knocking on Bev Bevan’s door

CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY SHED

My lawn mower isn’t working

When I push it, it does my back in

It has never been the same

Since I went and broke the frame

And I can’t get it out of my shed

No I can’t get it out of my shed

And my lawn has grown over my head

‘Cause I can’t get it out of my shed

Grass has grown to the clothesline

I’m sitting here on my backside

The long grass it is a sight

Blocks out most of the daylight

And I can’t get it out of my shed

No I can’t get it out of my shed

And my lawn has grown over my head

‘Cause I can’t get it out of my shed

Wild weeds they’re not pretty

Alan Titch, Monty Don, Carol Klein and Danny Clarke

They don’t envy me

Trying till the sun goes down

In dreams the blades keep going round and round

And I can’t get it out of my shed

No I can’t get it out of my shed

And my lawn has grown over my head

‘Cause I can’t get it out of my shed

WE MILLIGAN

He was the one and only Milligan, Milligan

And we know we’ll never, never see him again

And the comedy he gave us, oh it was sub-lime

Poor old Spike

His acknowledgement it should have been higher

But that’s ok

Because he was the greatest comic anyway

Poor old Spike

Entangled in his crazy old head, even when dead

But that’s ok

On his grave it says he told you he was ill anyway

Of course

He was the one and only Milligan, Milligan

And we know we’ll never, never see him again

And the comedy he gave us, oh it was sub-lime

COLOURFUL CHAMELEON

“It’s the prettiest sight I’ve ever seen!”

Cried Johnny as the chameleon changed from brown to green

“It’s lovely! It’s beautiful!” he did bellow

As the chameleon changed from green to yellow

The delightful sight it did astound

As the chameleon changed from yellow to brown

This particular line is a bit of a challenge

For the chameleon changed from brown to orange

“It’s changing quicker than a boy can blink!”

Said Johnny as the chameleon changed from brown to pink

“A spectacular sight from toe to head!”

As the chameleon changed from pink to red

“Mega! Awesome!” Johnny did gurgle

As the chameleon changed from red to purple

Johnny was thrilled, he was mesmerized too

As the chameleon changed from purple to blue

But then the chameleon flipped on to its back

Poor Johnny

He hadn’t realized it was having a heart attack

I WANNA WASH MY HANDS

Oh yeah I’ll turn the tap on

I think you’ll understand

When I turn the tap on

I wanna wash my hands

So please agree with me

Since all of this began

It’s plain for us to see

We all should wash our hands

When I last touched you we were happy inside

But now we’re feeling so afraid

We must hide

Yeah you turn that tap on

Because you understand

We both turn the tap on

We both can wash our hands

When I last touched you we were happy inside

But now we’re feeling so afraid

We must hide

Yeah you turn that tap on

Because you understand

We both turn the tap on

We both can wash our hands

SWEARING

I saw a couple of those punk rockers the other day

I’ve never seen anything like it

They had those horrible spiky haircuts

Mohican I think you call it

It was sticking up all over the place

As if they’d swallowed a grenade

They looked really intimidating

They made me feel quite afraid

And you should have heard their language

Effing this, effing that

And another horrible word they used

I won’t say it but it rhymes with cat

If they said the eff word once

They said it a thousand times

And they kept saying an even more horrible word

Again I won’t say it but with hunt it rhymes

They don’t care these days

They swear like it’s going out of fashion

When I was that age I didn’t swear

Every day I learnt a new word with ion

It shows a lack of vocabulary

When they swear all the time

They should bring out a new law

They should make swearing a crime

They’d even swear their heads off

If you placed them in a church

To some this might sound drastic

But I say bring back the birch

Ok, I’ll hold my hands up

That is a bit severe

So maybe instead they should all be sentenced

To a clip around the ear

We wouldn’t dare say the eff word when we were kids

We still won’t to this day

Whoever invented the eff word

They should have locked them up

And thrown the key away

And they all say it these days

It’s the way they’re all brought up

The kids are bound to swear

If it’s ok for a grown-up

The kids grow up with their mums and dads

And they just think it’s normal

But it’s anything but

In fact it’s nothing short of awful

You’ll never get me saying the eff word

I’ll tell you that for free

That horrible word I will never say

If I live to a hundred and three

Only the other day I heard this mum

Swearing in a raging fit

Telling her little boy to shut the fuck up

No, you’ll never hear me say it

STARFISH

Didn’t know what time it was the tide was low

In the sky was an afterglow

Some cat was eating some sausage roll

“Sausage roll!” it purred

Then with a mouse the cat it seemed to play

A paw with a sharp claw, in the air it raised

That weren’t no cat play, that mouse should still be alive

There’s a starfish swimming in the sea

He’d like to see the mouse but

It’s all over the beach

There’s a starfish swimming in the sea

He told the cat to hop it

So the cat ran for a mile

He said

He didn’t mean to kill it

He didn’t mean to kill it

HE IS BEEP BEEP

When you chased him before

Couldn’t catch him but you tried

You’re just like unable

To catch him alive

He runs in all weather

He runs in a whirl

His speed it is special

He’s so very special

For he is Beep Beep

He runs past your window

And it’s perfectly clear

He’s too fast for you, dear

Your failure it hurts

You have no control

Your skills they are shoddy

Go back in your hole

He’s sure you have noticed

His speed it astounds

He’s so very special

He’s always been special

For he is Beep Beep

He runs past your window

And it’s perfectly clear

He’s too fast for you, dear

He’s running away again

He’s running away

He run run run run

Runs

He’ll never make you happy

Can’t get what you want

He’s so very special

He’s always been special

For he is Beep Beep

He runs past your window

And it’s perfectly clear

He’s too fast for you, dear

He’s too fast for you, dear

I AM ENORMOUS

I am big and I am fat and I am lard

And wobble all together

It ain’t no fun when you weigh a ton I ate the pies

I’m dying

Scoffing on a big cake

Putting weight upon my bum

Eating till my teeth hurt

Wednesday through to Tuesday

Man I been a greedy boy

I know it’s all so wrong

Don’t want an egg, man (Noo!)

I want a cake, man (Yesss!)

I am enormous

Look at my moobs!

I’M IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEHIND

Chocolate cha cha punch the starfish

Spiderwebbing dirty love

Rusty anchor lease a butt ram

Anal smash can’t get enough

None of these I should have really done

But I did them all the time

I’m in love with your behind

I’m in love with your behind

Rose bud riding’s what I’m best at

Snake your toilet’s what I do

Up the ringer lunar landing

Double paradiddle-doo

None of these I should have really done

But I did them all the time

I’m in love with your behind

I’m in love with your behind

Tell me, tell me that your muffin hasn’t dried

Give me, give me one more chance

To keep you satisfied, satisfied

None of these I should have really done

But I did them all the time

I’m in love with your behind

I’m in love with your behind

Muddy lizard pooper beaver

Anal shyness is no good

Freckle puncher Bob the Builder

All of these they gave me wood

None of these I should have really done

But I did them all the time

I’m in love with your behind

I’m in love with your behind

Backdoorgasm dooky booty

Filthy mason is my fave

Pop the cherry stinky weasel

These and more are all the rave

None of these I should have really done

But I did them all the time

I’m in love with your behind

I’m in love with your behind

Tell me, tell me that your muffin hasn’t dried

Give me, give me one more chance

To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Keep it greasy duggy duggy

Dirty snowball marble cake

Skin that dooker backdoor barney

‘Till no more you cannot take

None of these I should have really done

But I did them all the time

I’m in love with your behind

I’m in love with your behind

None of these I should have really done

But I did them all the time

I’m in love with your behind

I’m in love with your behind

OLD LADY WALKING TO THE SHOP

I always enjoy my little walks

To the local convenience store

I find it quite enjoyable

It’s certainly not a chore

It’s a lovely walk and it keeps me fit

Takes me about twenty minutes

I’d get there much quicker

If I had a portion of spinach

But I like to take my time, you see

Especially when it’s nice

And sometimes I go not only once

Sometimes I go twice

But even though it gets me out

Sometimes it can be painful

What with my gouty arthritis

And trouble down there...you know...anal

Piles I’m talking about

I’ve had ‘em for twenty years

I’ve got some cream, it soothes the pain

With lots of gentle smears

So anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, on my way to the shop

I needed something to put with my garlic

So I thought I’d buy a lamb chop

So I carried on walking down the street

After I’d had a chat

When I saw a movement in the corner of my eye

And I looked up to this upstairs flat

And in the window there was a young man

Standing in the nude

In the buff without a stitch

Being very very rude

So I put on my glasses and I squinted my eyes

And I pointed with my fingers

And I shouted,

“You dirty bastard! Clean your windows!”

REFERENDUM 2

You say you want a referendum

Well you know

They don’t want to change their mind

You say you got a real solution

Well you know

They don’t want to change their mind

So when you talk about a second vote

Don’t you know that you can count me out

Don’t you know it’s gonna be

All right, all right, all right

You say you got a real solution

Well you know

We’d all love to see the plan

You’ve given me your contribution

Now I know

You’re a stupid man

Your alternative plan was again turned down

In circles we’re going round and round

Don’t you know it’s gonna be

All right, all right, all right

You want to push for other options

Well you know

We all want to change your head

You want another General Election

Well you know

You better change your mind instead

So let me tell you my Brexit deal will

You can shove your referendum up your ass

Don’t you know it’s gonna be

All right, all right, all right

All right, all right, all right

All right, all right, all right

All right, all right

YOU’RE A TRULY DEVOTED REAL ALE LOVER

You’re a truly devoted real ale lover

Forever Brahms and Liszt

A wide-eyed legless pilchard

An A-1 piss artist

Your nose is red and glowing

Your eyes are almost shut

Your belly’s forever growing

A grotesque and flabby gut

Your liver’s large and swollen

Your brain cell’s almost dead

But you don’t care – you’re happy…

Your beer’s got a good head!

THE CAPITOL FRONT AND BACK DOOR

March on, march on to the Capitol door

March on, march on to the Capitol door

March on (an act of incitation), march on to the Capitol door

March on (this is a broken nation), march on to the Capitol door

The Capitol front and back door could not keep the morons away

Not keep the morons away

Get back, get back from the Capitol door

Get back, get back from the Capitol door

Get back (Retaliation’s what we need), get back from the Capitol door

Get back (Biden’s rule it will succeed), get back from the Capitol door

The Capitol front and back door will keep all the morons away

Keep all the morons away

The Capitol front and back door will keep all the morons away

Keep all the morons away

Morons away

YOU KNOW I CAN’T SWEAT

He took his daughter Beatrice

To a Pizza Express

He wore a suit and tie

For that’s the way that he dress

He sat down at a table

And he ordered a meal

It was a very unusual thing for him to do

But it was no big deal

Yes there were red and green peppers

And all that he chose

The waiter breathed in

And there was sweat on his nose

He leaned towards the Prince and he said, “Prince, beware!”

He said, “Just one bite

And you’ll be sweating like a paedo in Mothercare!”

The Prince said

You know I can’t sweat

You know I can’t sweat

You know I can’t sweat

You know I can’t sweat

I can’t sweat

He said, “But thanks for warning me”

And then he took a bite

To everyone’s surprise

There was not a drop of sweat in sight

The waiter said

“This has never been known”

The Prince said, “I got shot at in The Falklands

And since then I’ve been dry as a bone!”

He said

You know I can’t sweat

You know I can’t sweat

You know I can’t sweat

You know I can’t sweat

I can’t sweat

THERE’S A NEW SINGLE OUT

There’s a new single out

It’s in the shops

It’s going rather cheap

It’s by Dr Hook and Radiohead

It’s called When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Creep

There’s another one out

You can get it online

It’s really rather quirky

It’s by Gwen Stefani and John Lennon

It’s called Cool Turkey

There’s one in the charts

It’s really quite good

But it’s also a little bit barmy

It’s by Eminem and Elvis Costello

It’s called Stan And Oliver’s Army

But my favourite one

It’s not yet come out

It makes me feel quite randy

It’s by The Stones and Barry Mannilow

It’s called I Wanna Be Your Mandy

VIRUS

I exist but

I’m not alive

I don’t drive

I don’t jive

I don’t count to five

I don’t move

I don’t groove

I don’t breathe

I don’t feel

I don’t kneel

I don’t do a cartwheel

I don’t eat

I’ve got no feet

I haven’t got a heartbeat

I don’t walk down the street

I don’t tweet

I don’t excrete

I don’t grow

I don’t watch a show

I don’t play in the snow

I don’t sew

I don’t throw

I don’t play with a yo-yo

I don’t sit in a boat and row

I don’t listen to David Bowie’s Low

But I reproduce

I reproduce

It’s what I do

I reproduce

And I infect people

And I make them ill

Infecting people is brill

I’ll infect Jack

And I’ll infect Jill

And I can kill and I will

It’s my sole purpose

To infect

Make you ill and to kill

It’s the only reason why I exist

And I can be ed on

To another person who you’ve

Just kissed

I am not alive but I exist

And I love to infect

I can’t resist

I need you

I can’t reproduce without you

I can only reproduce after I infect you

When I get inside you

I will make copies of myself

And I will destroy your health

I will turn your body into

A virus-producing factory

And I will destroy your olfactory

Nerves and immune system

You shouldn’t have kissed ‘em

And your body temperature

Will go through the roof

And the pain will be worse

Than a decayed tooth

And I’ll give you a fever

And I’ll give you a chill

And your lungs with air

They will no longer fill

And I will multiply and kill

I am a virus

I was here long before you were here

I will never disappear

I will be here forever more

In Singapore

And El Salvador

In Ecuador

And Baltimore

For evermore

I have killed more people than

The First World War

The Second World War

The Chinese Civil War

The Russian Civil War

The Thirty Years’ War

The Korean War

The Hundred Years’ War

And The Vietnam War

All put together

I kill in all weather

I will be here

Till the end of time

As we know it

A MANSION

A mansion is where John lives

He’s rich enough to buy

A houseful of possessions

Enough to make you cry

A mansion for a Beatle

Not in Blue Jay Way...Aha-ah...

A mansion that is bluntly

Obscene for me and you

But making lots of money

Is what John’s committed to

A mansion for poor people

Would give them so much peace...You…

You could still be a redeemer

If you gave it to someone

Who needs it more than you do

And the world will love you, John

A mansion that is given

To people who would die

To have a roof above their head

Instead of only sky

A mansion for these people

Would make a better world...You…

You could still be a redeemer

If you gave it to someone

Who needs it more than you do

And the world will love you, John

I CAN’T POOH

The strain brings water to my eyes

The pushing gives me painful cries

No matter how much I do try to lose you

My crack smells like rotten corn

Makes me wish I wasn’t born

Haven’t been all day I wasn’t born to lose you

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh so bad

Funny I can’t pooh

I sit upon the porcelain seat

My hanging bind it makes me weep

My anal turd is buried deep

I cannot pooh

If I push too hard I’ll self destruct

I’ll have to stick my bottom up

And ask you to

Open up my cheeks – will you?

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh so bad

Funny I can’t pooh

Big fat floaters won’t flush down

It blocks up with a big shit

But all I get when I sit down

is itchy so I scratch it

My arse it is hellzone grenade

And for this I wasn’t made

I know that I am afraid, colon clogger

It’s no good for me

For there’s nothing I don’t see

I know where my pooh should be

Go my faecal matter

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh so bad

Funny I can’t pooh

No the pain’s not mild with my constipooh

Logs from my bum I want to shoot

But I cannot force a pooh from it – can I?

But I am proud because I tried

I strained so hard my butt fish fried

But my big pooh just wants to hide

And because I…

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh

I can’t pooh so bad

Funny I can’t pooh

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN HEALTH CONSCIOUS

I’ve always been health conscious

In both my mind and body

I tend to see the doctor

If I’m feeling rather groggy

I noticed just the other week

I’d put on lots of weight

To see my caring doctor

I didn’t hesitate

He made me stand upon the scales

And weighed me there and then

I said, “There’s something wrong with those

I can’t be twelve stone ten!”

He looked at me and said to me

“I’ll give it to you straight,

You’re eating far too much these days,

You need to lose some weight.

You cannot lose your body fat

By eating lots of food.”

I said, “Is it ok if I swallow it

Without it being chewed?”

He said, “If you want to take this seriously

Cut down on cakes and sweets,

If you want to fly in an aeroplane

Without taking up two seats.

To crash diet there is no need,

It will only make you weak.

Just cut down on the calories

And you’ll get a nice physique.

Don’t starve yourself, don’t skip a meal,

You’ll give up in desperation.

A good way to use up energy

Is to spend time on mastication.”

At least I think that’s what he said

I may have got it wrong

I noticed when he said it

His eyes were on my dong

He said, “Cut down on fatty foods

And eat more wholegrain bread.”

I said, “I don’t want to overdo it

Don’t want to end up dead.”

He said, “Eat lots of veg and lots of fruit

And make sure you have plenty of nuts.”

I said, “I’ll have a Snicker Bar and a couple of Topics

Well they’ve got plenty of nuts.”

He said, “Swap whole milk for semi-skimmed

Replace fizzy drinks with water

You don’t want to put on weight

It makes you look much shorter.

Limit the use of butter

Or better still eat margarine

Instead of a bowl of trifle

Try a Clementine

You can still enjoy a bag of chips

But cut down on the curry.”

I went home and ordered a Rogan Josh

Well there’s really no need to hurry

But I’ve cut down on the fatty foods

And I watch my carbohydrates

My friends took me out for a meal last week

And they’re right proper cheapskates

Two pound fifty that’s all they spent

On a bowl of lentil soup

I said, “Is this all I’m having?”

I finished it in one scoop

I’m aiming to lose two pounds a week

Any more than that’s just great

But in order to achieve that goal I need

To remove the pork pies from my plate

I’ve cut down on the cakes and sweets

They’re bad for tooth decay

I only have six Battenburgs, three jam tarts

And four packets of Revels a day

Coffee, beer and crisps

Are no longer on my list

But I drink the occasional brandy

And sometimes I even get pissed

I’ve cut out cream and sugar

I’ve cut out sausage rolls

I looked in the mirror the other night

But I’ve still got my flabby folds

I went back to my doctors the following day

For the results of some tests he’d given me

He looked at the results with eyebrows raised

Then he looked at me rather worriedly

He said, “Your cholesterol’s a little bit high”

And he put me on medication

I was determined to fight this battle

With solid determination

To have my cholesterol lowered

Would be such a pleasant treat

So I took half a dozen tablets

But they gave me two fat feet