Script For Monologue For Three 1oj3s

Script for “A Monologue for Three”

Kyle: (Reciting Puck’s final monologue from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”) Uh…Okay… And so, goodnight and to you all, give me… eh… DAMN IT. Hey, Angelica? (Enter Angelica) What’s the final line from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”? Angelica: If we shadows have offended? Kyle: Yeah, the end of that speech. Angelica: So goodnight, and to you all. Kyle: Yeah, right after that. Angelica: That you have but slumbered here… Kyle: Not the word “that”, I need the next moment. Angelica: Well, then the play’s over, you pretend you understood it, then you go home and make love to your horrible wife. Kyle: But, back in the monologue… Angelica: The word “buttback” isn’t in the monologue. Kyle: What is the last line?! Angelica: The way of the future, the way of the future, the way of the future… Kyle: Not from “The Aviator”. Angelica: You win! Kyle: Or Tetris! Angelica: I need this horse!

Kyle: Or Kanye West Twitter feed. Angelica, we’re about as far away from Shakespeare as we can get. Angelica: GTL, baby. Gym, tan, laundry every day. Kyle: Never mind, now we are. Angelica: You didn’t break one bone, you don’t have a scratch on you (whispered). Kyle: No, that’s from M. Night Shyamalan’s masterpiece, “Unbreakable”. Angelica: The plants are killing people? Oh, no! Kyle: That’s from M. Night Shyamalan’s fever dream, “The Happening”. Angelica: (Impersonates the moment before a sneeze) Kyle: That’s the moment before a sneeze. Nick: (Impersonates the moment after a sneeze) Brian: That’s the moment after a sneeze. Angelica: (Impersonates a homeless guy from Starbucks) Kyle: That’s a homeless guy from Starbucks. Angelica: (Impersonates a Greek mother at her son’s funeral) Kyle: That’s a Greek mother at her son’s funeral. Angelica, stop! Listen, this has gotten really weird really fast and I’m not in the mood. Do you know this line? Angelica: Yes. Kyle: Then what is it?! Angelica: Kyle! Wake up, you little fairy-face. Ugh, you make me sick. You know I almost traded you for a ham sandwich when you were two? Kyle: That’s how my drunk father woke me up two nights ago… Angelica: And I hate ham sandwiches.

Kyle: Please stop. Angelica: Listen, why do you always go to that white void all the time with that dyke, Angelica? Hold still, I’mma throw some.. wait… (Repeating that last line in hopes of jogging his memory). Damnit! Hey, Darcy? What’s the thing Kyle’s father drunkenly yelled at him? (Enter Darcy) Darcy: Yes, I killed your rabbit. So, what? Angelica: No, that was Christmas Eve, I’m talking about two nights ago. Darcy: This is the ugliest dick I’ve ever seen. Angelica: No, that’s his doctor. I’m talking about his father. Darcy: You’re having a b-a-a-a-a-a-a-d trip. (Impersonating how a sheep would speak) Angelica: No, that’s what a sheep said to me after I dropped acid. Darcy, this is important. Kyle: No, it’s not! Darcy, what’s the line from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”? Darcy: Happy June 23rd, I’m six-foot-three! Kyle: No, that’s a midsummer’s height scream? Darcy: One of these days, I’m gonna throw away these bongos, get off this arched pathway and soar with the eagles. Kyle: That’s a bridge drummer’s flight dream. Darcy: (Sings) He’s eight years old, got a plunger of gold, and it’s him against the world! Kyle: Kid plumber’s fight theme… Angelica: There is no reason you haven’t been nominated for an Emmy. Darcy: Oh, thanks so much.

Angelica: … and the community is just tremendous. Darcy: I feel so blessed. Angelica: Hey, a question about Donald Glover. Darcy: You got it. Angelica: Is he related to Danny Glover? Darcy: He’s actually not. Angelica: What? But, they’re both black. Kyle: Listen, guys, back to business. The line from “Midsummer”. Darcy: Ass on the flo’! Kyle: That was Kanye West Twitter again. Darcy: Hold still, I’m gonna throw some canes at you. Angelica: Yeah, that’s what his dad said. Kyle: Not what we’re looking for. Darcy: The word “buttback” isn’t in the monologue. Angelica: That’s what I said two minutes ago. Darcy: I’m fine with this. Angelica: That’s what I’m going to say in one minute. Darcy: That’s what I’m about to say. Angelica: That’s what I’m about to say. Darcy and Angelica: (With voices in perfect unison, mimicking each other’s exact tone) That’s what I’m saying now.Whoa, whaaat? This is crazyyyy-okay, stop it. Stop it. Darcy, stop it. Fine, I don’t care. Stop it! Beep-beep-luh-luh-luh-sh’boink! How are you matching?

Kyle: Alright, both you guys… Kyle, Darcy, and Angelica: (In perfect unison, as before with Darcy and Angelica) …stop messing around, I’m trying to… What? no! Get ME out of this! It’s Darcy’s fault! No, it’s not. Who’s leading this? Wait, focus. Now say an opinion that only you have. I hate Ke$ha, everybody hates Ke$ha. Well, I don’t. Who? Me! You? No, me! Who is me? We have to unhook our brains! Angelica, clap your hands. OH! “Give me your hands, if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends.” That’s the line. (Bodies are switched between all three) Darcy: (As Angelica) Oh, no. Angelica: (As Kyle) So, we’ve switched bodies. Kyle: (As Darcy) Okay, remain calm we can figure this out. (All unbuckle their pants to check their penis size, or what have you) “Kyle”: I’m fine with this. “Darcy”: We are swiching back.

Fin