The Lolcat Bible - The Book Of Genesis (rev2) 37211l

taek a wile 2 cawnt. 24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre. 25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm. 26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers. 27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm. 28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs. 29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it. 30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good. 31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.

The Book of Genesis Genesis 1 Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

O

h hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem. 2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz. 3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz. 4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin. 5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1 6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling. 7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen. 8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day. 9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet. 10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good. 11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen. 12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz. 13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands. 14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day. 15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly. 16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day. 17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs. 18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good. 19 An so teh furth day w00t. 20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem. 21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good. 22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh. 23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat

Genesis 2

A

n teh skyz an teh Urfs wur finishd, an al teh stufz in dem, an Ceiling Cat was liek al tired an stuf. 2 An on teh 7f day Ceiling Cat got dun makingks al dat stuf; an he restd on teh 7f day cuz he wuz pooped fum al dat wrking an not liek havng imself ulone. An he not get payd ovrtym eiver. 3 Ceiling Cat blesd teh 7f day, an sed itz teh h0liez0rz; cuz dats when he restd fum all his werk wich Ceiling Cat creatd an maed. Yay holy Caturday!

Adam An Eve 4 Iz how teh skyz an Urfs wur maed, wen Ceiling Cat pwnt. 5 Urfs no can has plantz n treez n catnipz n stuff yet, cuz Ceiling Cat no can maek rainz, but iz ok for kittehs DUNT LYKEZ wetfurz. An ther wuznt ne man to mek farmz n stuf; cuz teh clowds wur al happie an dint feel liek cryin, wich wuz ok to cuz umbrellaz wuznt inventd yet. 6 But teh fogz caem in liek in Frisco an waterd teh grownd so teh plantz wud be ok wen Ceiling Cat madez dem. 7 An Ceiling Cat madez kitteh owt ov teh flore dust, an breathd intew his nawstrils teh bref uv life, wich wuz sorta liek doin r on a mudpy, but it wuz al gud. 8 An Ceiling Cat plantz gardun eastwad, in

1

eden; an ther he put teh kitteh he madez. (i dono hows he figurd out it wuz east, cuz ther wuznt no cumpasez yet an no mapz eether.) 9 An Ceiling Cat madez evry tre dat iz prity, an gud fur fud; teh tre ov lief wuz in teh gardun to, an teh tre ov teh nawlej ov gud an evul n stuff. man askd Ceiling Cat to makez a kooki tree, an Ceiling Cat madze it. but he eated it. (no 1 had thot of cheezburgr tre yet.) 10 An a big rivr went owt ov eden to watr teh gardun; an zen it splitzd up ntew 4 rivrz wth srsly weerd namez. 11 Teh naem ov teh 1th iz pishon (did u sneez? blez u! ): dat wun runz arownd teh hol land ov havilah wich haz a lot ov gold cheezburgerz; 12 An teh gold cheezbugerz ov dat land iz gud (but u cant eatz it): ther iz bdellium an teh onyx stone. (but u cant eatz dat eiver. An wut teh hek is bdellium?) 13 An teh naem ov teh 2th rivr iz gihon: dat wun runz arownd teh hol land ov cush wich is vry comfy plaec. 14 An teh naem ov teh 3th rivr iz hiddekel: dat wun runz n frunt ov asyria. An teh 4f rivr iz teh euphrateez (ware teh ppl acused eech oter ov "yu afraed ov tese?".) 15 An Ceiling Cat tuk teh man, an put im ntew teh gardun ov eden tew takez cares ovs it cuz Ceiling Cat wuz stil poopd and wantedz anotr day off. 16 An Ceiling Cat sed to teh man, ov evury tre in teh gardin iz ok u eatz: 17 But of teh tre of teh nawlej of gud an evl n stuff, you not eatz cuz wen u eatz taht tre i fur sure mek u ded. Srsly. kthxbye. 18 An Ceiling Cat sed, teh man is alown an dat iz bad; he needz frendz so i wil maek him a gud help fo him. (i iz gud at stuf liek taht. srsly. An it will keepz him outta trubbel.) 19 An owt ov teh grownd Ceiling Cat madez al teh aminals on teh urfs an in teh see, an al teh burdz up in sky (an sum liek ostrijes who cudnt flyz, just fur fun). (Ceiling Cat is raely good at makingz mud pies. srsly.) An brot them untew teh man to c what he wud cal tehm: an wut teh man caled evry living aminal, dat wuz its naim. (if they didnt like it, tuff tamales, they wuz stuck wif it.) 20 An teh man gave namez to al teh aminals, an to teh burdies of sky (an to teh onez who cudnt flyz) an teh aminals in teh see, (so vey wudnt feel levt out), an to evry aminal in teh feeld (an in da hows, like kittehs); but fer man wuznt no gud helpr fo him, not evun anyonez to tak to in chatroom. 21 An Ceiling Cat caused a deep sleep to fal upawn teh man, an he sleeped; an he tuk one of his ribs, cuz it has a flavr. 22 An Ceiling Cat can haz teh rib frum man maded into

wimman, but did not eated it cuz he brot her to teh man. He sai O hai, I maded u a man but wifout long hare. Hav fun, kthxbai. 23 Teh man saiz, "Dese bonez iz mai bonez an dis meatz r mai meatz; I calz her "whoa man", k cuz she wuz in ur chest taken ur ribs. Srsly" 24 So man muv out da baesment an lives wif da womenz, an be all u can puts your toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you. an da manz sez orly da womenz sez ya rly an da manz sez no wai an da womenz sez wai 25 and teh man and teh woman weared invisible close!

Genesis 3 Bad Kittehs

N

ao teh snakez wuz mor shneakay den any beest ov teh field (or hows) which Ceiling Cat had maded. An he meowed unto teh woah man kitteh, liek I herd that Ceiling Cat said, u shall not eated frum any tree ov teh garden? Even dem trees on dat plate? 2 An teh woman said unto teh snakez, i can haz froot ov teh garden! 3 but ov teh fruit ov teh tree which iz in teh midel ov teh garden, Ceiling Cat sez, dun eatz it cuz if u eatz it he mek u ded. 4 An teh snakez sed unto teh womenz, he no mek u ded: 5 4 Ceiling Cat noes dat, teh dai u eat dat froot, den u gon b able to c, An u be liek Ceiling Cat, knowin gud An evil an stuf. An dis froot, it has a flavr, srsly, liek cheezburgerz! 6 An when teh woman saw dat teh tree wuz gud 4 fud with flavr an everything, An dat it wuz cool 2 teh eyez, An dat teh tree wuz 2 b desird 2 make man wise, she nom nom nom its froot; An she gaev sum 2 Adam, An he eated da froot (An srsly it was teh best, teh no liin abowt da taist). 7 An teh eyez ov them both were opend, An they knew dat theyz were showin teh nakedz An stuff cuz Ceiling Cat didnt gaev dem no furz liek teh aminals; An they sewd sum fig-leavez togethr, An made themselvez clofs. Eve even maed firs thong but was vry vry ichy. srsly. 8 An they heard

2

teh meowz ov Ceiling Cat walkin throu teh garden in teh kewl ov teh dai: An teh man An his wife hided themselvez fum Ceiling Cat amongst teh treez ov teh garden. 9 An Ceiling Cat calld unto teh man, An meowed unto him, "wuzzat? wut u just NOM NOM NOMd? It srsly gud?" 10 An he said, i heard yo voice in teh garden, An i wuz scareded, because i wuz NOMin An stuff; An i hided and did not want 4 u to see meh NOMin kthx. 11 An he said, hoo told u dat u was ta NOM teh holy fud? I waz injoyin watchin you be not NOMin. Did youz eated ov teh tree, dat I told u dat iz not ok u eatz ov? 12 An teh man said, teh woman u gave me saw teh tree An told 'bout it to me. At first I was liek "Noes!" but then, I was layk NOM NOM NOM. srsly. 13 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh woman, wat did u dun? An teh woman said, teh snakez playdid dirty trick on me, An i eated it. It taysts gud, but that not poynt. 14 An Ceiling Cat sed unto teh snakez, "cuz u did dis,

makin cheezburgers will be vry hard now srsly. 18 thorns also An thistlez gun it brin forth 2 u; An u gun eat teh herb ov teh field dat u wrkd ure butt off fur. (but all teh good weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz is b illegalz An stuff lol); 19 in teh sweatz ov ur face u gun eat bread An u no can has cheezburgerz n Gatorade, till u return unto teh ground like when poopz r buried in litterz, 4 out ov it wast thou taken; 4 dust u r, An dust u gun return." 20 An teh man calld his womenz name eve; cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if he nameded her bertha he woulda benn lold at all da tyme 21 An Ceiling Cat maded 4 adam An 4 his wife coats ov skeens, An clothid 'em. 22 An Ceiling Cat said, behold, teh man iz become as 1 ov us , 2 knoe gud An evil; An nao, lest he put forth his hand, An taek teh cheezburgerz ov teh tree ov life, An eat, An liv 4 evr mor. 23 Ther4 Ceiling Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2 till teh grawnd fum where he wuz took. An it suxxd cuz ther wasnt no uniteded farmwrkar union. 24 So he pwnzordz teh man; An he placeded at teh east ov teh garden ov eden teh cherubim An stuff, An teh flaming (lol) sword which turned everywherez (an if yu evar caem up 2 teh sword den it wuld flaem u on teh intarwebs an u wuldnt git no cookies or cheezburgerz eithr, srsly).

cursd u aboov all teh moocows, An aboov every one of those 4 leggd things that sumwun maked round here; upon ur belly u gun walk An I gun take ur legs An geev them to teh French 2 eatz An this is wut they gun eatz An they gun call it "Frawgs leegz", An dust shalt u NOMin. srsly all teh dais ov ur life An u no getz no cookies to eated. An no cheezburgers neither. Srsly. 15 An im gonna put liek badnis An stuff tween u An teh woman, An tween yr seedz An her seedz; he shall broose ur head, An u gun broose his heel. 16 Unto teh woman he said,

Genesis 4

"im gun make ure babiez hurt alot An cause pain An hurtynis An stuff; in pain u gun brin forth childrenz. An ur badnes shall b 2 ur husband, An he gun pwn u and ask for beers and sammiches."

Cain an Abel

A

n teh mahn an hiz wyfe wuz PENIS GOES WHERE, An she is has teh kid cain. 2 An ugen she iz haz hiz brothr abel. An abel wuz keepr ov teh mooses, but cain wuz farmr and growed much froots and catnips. 3 An after awhile cain brought sum ov teh froots ov teh ground for an offerin unto Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins. 4 An abel, he also brought teh first meets ov his mooses (An ov

17 An unto adam he said, because u hast listend to her An hast eated teh tree wut i tellz u U NO NOMZ! "cursd iz teh grownd cuz of u An u is b wrkin ur buttz off ur hol life An

3

teh fat of em cuz teh mooses are on Atkins.) An he made teh 1st cheezburger An gaev it to teh Ceiling Cat. 5 An Abel gaev to Ceiling Cat his Pokemans. An Ceiling Cat liekd abel and his fudz and his pokemans 6 But cain to his offerin he had no liekd. An Ceiling Cat sed, do not want. cuz u didnt makez cookies out ov it, An besiedz u didnt bringz me any catnipz. An cain wuz mad, An got all liek sad and stuff. 7 An Ceiling Cat said unto cain, HAY! Wuts wit da tood? An y iz u all liek sad an stuff? 8 If u do gud, isn't it gunna go up? An if u doest not well, sin croucheth at teh door: it wants to has you, but you hafta maik it go away. 9 An cain told abel his bruda wut happnd. An one day when they were out in da field, cain got all up in abels face, An totally pwnd him. 10 An Ceiling Cat said "cain, where iz mah abel???"

vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh moocows An sheeps an stuff so maybe it wasnt that much fun after all. 22 An his brothr's name wuz jubal: An he An his kidz maded all the tunez An stuff An invented the ipod, (wifout lectricity or nuthin, Ceiling Cat waz gettin rael good at doin mirakels). 23 An zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, An he An his kidz maded all teh knifes An swordz An razrbladez An other sharp metal stuf: An teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah. 24 An lamech said unto his wivez, "adah An zillah, hear mah voice; u wivez ov lamech, listenz unto mah speechs. for i has pwn3d sum d00d for woundin me, sum kitteh for bruisin me: 25 If cain shall b avengd 7x,

An cain sed, "i dun no. excsues me i iz not camping abel all teh time kthx."

truly lamech 77x." 26 An adam knew his wife again; An she is has teh son, An calld his name seth. 4, said she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead ov abel; 4 cain pwnd him. 27 An 2 seth, 2 him also thar wuz born son; An he calld his name enosh. den began men 2 say hai to Celing Cat moar often n stuff.

11 An he was liek wtf? ur dead bruda iz mewin frum undr teh carpt. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt hearing An stuf.) 12 K so nao cursd r u fum teh carpt, whichz opend its mouth to receiv ur bruda's harbls frum ur hand; 13 When yous plowen teh urf, it gonna b hard n stuffz; fugitiev n wanderr youz bees in da urf. An its gonna sux cuz therz no united farmwrkr yoonyun yet. 14 An cain sed unto Ceiling Cat, dis sux. 15 Behold, u kick me from teh urf an killz me an i haz no iteh bitteh kitteh committeh, an' i'm dumd wit evry1, even n00bs will pwnz meh. 16 An Ceiling Cat said unto him, therefore whosoevr pwnz cain, i will pwnz him OVER 9000x. An Ceiling Cat makz sign for cain, so iz nobodys findin him shud pwnz him. 17 An cain rode away on hiz invisible bicycle away frum Ceiling Cat, An dwelt in da land ov nod, to da rite ov eden. 18 An cain knew his wife (cuz Adam n Eve haz dottaz hu sonz cans marry but I didnt tell u yets); An she is has teh kid enoch: An cain builded city, An callded teh name ov teh city enoch 2 cuz he think enoch rulz. 19 An xunto enoch wuz born irad: An irad is has teh kid mehujael: An mehujael is has teh kid methushael; An methushael is has teh kid lamech. Not all at saym taim, tho. 20 An lamech took unto him two wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh one wuz adah, An teh name ov teh othr zillah. 21 An adah is has teh kid jabal: An he An his kidz got to campz out in tents liek it wuz

Genesis 5 Frum Adam to Noah

D

is iz teh book ov teh generashuns ov adam. in da dai dat Ceiling Cat creatd manz, in da likenes ov Ceiling Cat him maked dem but he didnt gaev any furz liek teh moocows so wud has 2 wear cloths An evry1 knoes cats dont liek to wear cloths so that wuz 1 mor mean Ceiling Cat did 2 teh peepz. (Nowza boarin part. Lotza nummers. u can skip, me no cayr.) 2 Boi An gurl creatd himz, an givd cheezburgrz, An calld their naim adam (teh peeps who rited this bibel wantz to b raely shur u knowz ther naim, srsly!), in da dai when dey gots creatd. 3 An adam livd 100 An 30 yeers, An maded son in hims own likenes, aftr his luukz; An calld name seth: 4 An teh dais ov adam aftr him maded seth waz 800 yeers: An him maded lotsa kidz. 5 An all teh dais dat adam livd waz 900 An 30 yeers: An him got ded. 6 An seth livd 100 An 5

4

yeers, An maded enosh: 7 An seth livd aftr him maded enosh 800 An 7 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 8 An all teh dais ov seth waz 900 An 12 yeers: An him got ded. 9 An enosh livd ninety yeers, An maded kenan. 10 An enosh livd aftr him maded kenan 800 An 15 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 11 An all teh dais ov enosh waz 900 An 5 yeers: An him got ded. 12 An kenan livd 70 yeers, An maded mahalalel: 13 An kenan livd aftr him maded mahalalel 800 An 40 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 14 An all teh dais ov kenan waz 900 An 10 yeers: An him got ded. 15 An mahalalel livd 60 An 5 yeers, An maded jard: 16 An mahalalel livd aftr him maded jard 800 An 30 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 17 An all teh dais ov mahalalel waz 800 ninety An 5 yeers: An him got ded. 18 An jard livd 100 An 60 An 2 yeers, An maded enoch: 19 An jard livd aftr him maded enoch 800 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 20 An all teh dais ov jard waz 900 An 60 An 2 yeers: An him got ded. 21 An enoch livd 60 An 5 yeers, An maded methuselah: 22 An enoch walkd wif Ceiling Cat aftr him maded methuselah 300 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 23 An all teh dais ov enoch waz 300 An 60 An 5 yeers: 24 An enoch hung out wif Ceiling Cat alot An him didnt gets ded liek evry1 els. him flyed up in invisibul airplayn 2 b wif Ceiling Cat 4evr. 25 An methuselah livd 100 An 80 An 7 yeers, An maded lamech: 26 An methuselah livd aftr him maded lamech 700 An 80 An 2 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz. 27 An all teh dais ov methuselah waz 900 An 60 An 9 yeers (srsly!): An him got ded. 28 An lamech livd 100 An 80 An 2 yeers, An maded son: 29 An him calld hims name noah, sayin, dis cans gived comfort us in r werk An in da toil ov r hanz, which camed becuz ov teh urth Ceiling Cat havded cursd. 30 An lamech livd aftr him maded noah 500 An 90 An 5 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 31 An all teh dais ov lamech waz 700 An 70 An 7 yeers: An him got ded. 32 An noah wuz 500 yeers old: An noah maded shem An ham (who wuz not lunch meet lol) An japheth.

mens wer rly hot An sexy; An dey sed "PENIS GOES WHERE?" An dey had sexxs but no buttsecks cuz it wuznt inventd yet. 3 An Ceiling Cat sed, i no fites wif ppl 4evr so i no lets tehm liv 4evr: aftr wiel dey wil getz ded. htey is stil thinkx dey can livs long tiem but i givs dem only 1 liefs insted ov 9 liek teh kittehs. so tehre. 4 An sum wierd d00dz calld Nephilim wer in teh urfs in dose dais to scroos teh Creationists, An also aftr dat, when teh sons ov Ceiling Cat An dawters ov men did PENIS GOES WHERE?! but still no buttsecks, An they begats kidz. An teh kidz were badass powrful liek superman An wonder woman An all teh avatars in WoW, An dey wer all famous An stuf. 5 An Ceiling Cat saw dat teh ppl on teh urfs wuz all wikkid An mean An evil, An dat ppl thot ov wikkid mean evil stuf all teh tiem. An they rited wikkidpedia so evry1 wud knoes how 2 b all wikkid An mean An evil. 6 An Ceiling Cat wuz rly sry dat he had madez ppl on teh urf, An it maded him all sad An pissed off An stuff. 7 An Ceiling Cat sed im gonna pwnz all teh ppl An aminals what i has maded on teh urf; ppl An moo cows An creepy crawlyz An burdz ov teh skyz An burdz liek ostridges An stuf who cant flyz; cuz i so sry i maded them. 8 But Ceiling Cat liekd noah alot. 9 This is story about noah. noah wuz rightchus d00d, An liek mor rightchus then any1 els. noah hung out wif Ceiling Cat alot An lissend 2 tunez An played pokemons An stuff.. An sum tiems Ceiling Cat even letz him winz cuz he liekd him alot. 10 An noah begat 3 sons, shem, ham, An japheth. but i alrdy told u that. 11 An teh urf wuz corruptd An messed up, An teh urfs wuz filld wif meanies. 12 An Ceiling Cat saw teh urf, An saw taht it wuz corruptd cuz all teh ppl had fuxxxxd it up. 13 An Ceiling Cat sed 2 noah, i iz gonna pwnz the whole urf cuz teh urf has mor evilz An vilents then WoW An grand theft auto. so im gonna pwnz tehm An teh whole urfs. all teh filez in ppls hedz iz all corruptd An dey keep emailin em 2 all ther frendz. i should haev kept it in Beta longr :( An inventd mcafee An nortonz An stuff to keep out trojan snake wormz An viruses An rootkitz An stuf liek that. 14 Make gynormus bote calld ark ov gophr wud; maek roomz in teh ark, An cover it wif tar on teh insidez An outsiedz. An noah sed wait a minit u cant getz wood frm gophrs, u has 2 use treez. An Ceiling Cat sed i can callz a tree a gophr if i wantz cuz i iz Ceiling Cat. so stfu An go getz

Genesis 6

A

n when men begun 2 begats kidz on teh urf, dey had dawters. wich is gud cuz Ceiling Cat still wudnt let dem masturbate. 2 An teh sons ov Ceiling Cat saw taht teh dawters ov

5

ur hammerz An sawz An stuff. An noah sed k, brb. 15 An Ceiling Cat sed dis iz how u makez teh ark: teh length ov teh ark 300 cubits An teh width ov it 50 cubitz An teh hite ov it 30 cubits. An noah sed wtf iz a cubit An Ceiling Cat sed stfu again. so noah did. 16 maek sum windoze (but not teh µ!¢®0$0ƒ+ kind) in teh ark 2 cubitz hai An mek teh door in teh side. An maek it wif 1th, 2th, An 3th storiez. 17 An see, i makez teh flood ov waters upon teh hole urf, 2 pwnz all teh ppl An aminals An stuffz An evrythin in teh hol urfs iz gets ded. 18 But i iz taeks care ov u An keeps u safe cuz i lieks u alot. An u can haz ride in teh ark, u An ur sons An ur wief An ur sons wifez 2. 19 An u taeks 2 ov every kind ov aminal into teh ark, 2 keep them aliv wif u (even teh goggies); An mek shur dey r male An femael so dey can meks mor aminals after dey leavs teh ark but i wont letz dem do PENIS GOES WHERE?! on teh ark cuz mor aminals wud mek it 2 crouded. 20 Taek all kinds of teh birdz, An ov teh moocows, An ov teh creepy crawlyz on teh urf, 2 ov evry kind. but dont worry about teh fishz, dey can swimz gud. 21 An taek teh f00dz dat all teh ppl An aminals lieks 2 eatz, An gathr it up; An it shall b 4 fud 4 u, An 4 them. An noah sed thers gonna b lotz ov poopi to shuvl wif all dem aminals An stuff, An Ceiling Cat sed stfu i iz givez dem all rael bad constipashun so dont worry about it. An noah sed k and stfu'd. 22 so noah did evry thin Ceiling Cat tellz him, bein a gud boi bcuz he had to stfu.

For 4ty daiz and 4ty nites, it gon b wet and I gun pwn some n00bs.." 5 Pwned! 6 An' Noah did what Ceiling Cat told im to, and installed dry wall between teh moo cows and his sons and his dawters so dey would not do nething liek to maek cowz go "PENIS GOES WHERE?!?" during teh 4ty daiz. 7 Noah was liek rlyz old when teh wetness came. 8 An' noah and his kittehs enterd teh ark so tehy wouldn't get teh wetness in their furz. 9 All teh moo cows and teh other stuff Ceiling Cat (who talkz forever 'bout nutin) saidz 10 male an' female, came 2 Noah and he dun put them in teh ark, as Ceiling Cat commandd him. 11 An' after teh seven daiz teh wetness came. 12 In da liek 6 hunderd year of Noah's lief, on teh sevententh dai ov teh second munth-on dat dai all teh spreengs ov teh grate deepz liek spewed teh waterz on teh urf and teh floodgatez ov teh heavenz wuz opend. 13 An' teh wetnessez came to teh urf an' it was all wet. 14 On dat der dai, teh sons of Noahz, Shem teh Jew, Japheth teh white guy, and Ham teh blak guy wif der wivez, 15 Tehy hads evry kind of animal two 'cordin to it's kind, all moo cows 'cordin to it's kind, evry creachur dat mooves on teh grawnd 'cordin 2 its kind an' evry burd 'cordin 2 it's kind, evrythin wif wings too 'cordin 2 all der kindz. 16 pairs ov all creaturez dat has teh breath ov life in them came 2 noah an' enterd teh ark. 17 teh animals goin in wuz male an' femail ov evry livin ting, as Ceiling Cat had toldd Noah. xcept 4 teh unicornz. And teh drag0nz and stuffs. Ceiling Cat sed 'DO NOT WANT'. and dey stayd out ov teh ark. den Ceiling Cat shut him in, and wuz liek 'k, ttyl'. 18 4 4t dais teh flood kept comin on teh urfz, an' as teh waters increasd they liftd teh ark high aboov teh urfz. 19 teh watahs rose an' rose and rosed on teh urfz, an' teh ark floatd on teh watrs. 20 thei rised greatlee on teh urfz, an' all teh high mowntins undr teh entir heavens wuz covrd. 21 teh watrs rose an' coverd teh mowntinz 2 depth ov moar dan twenty feetz OMFGWTFBBQ!!1! 22 evry livin thin dat movd on teh urfz perishd — burdz, moo cows, wild animalz, all teh creeturz dat swarm ovah teh urfz, an' all pplz. not catz doh. Ceiling Cat luvz catz. Plus catz hates getting wet. 23 evryting on dri land dat had teh breth ov life in itz nostrilz dyed. 24 evry livin thin on teh face ov teh urfz wuz wipd out; d00dz an' animalz an' teh creeturz dat moov along teh ground an' teh burdz ov teh air wuz wipd frum teh urfz. only Noah wuz

Genesis 7

C

eiling Cat den said 2 Noah, "Liek goes into teh ark, joo and joo kittens, cuz joo coolz an' righteous an' stuff. In dis generashun. 2 taek wif u 7 of evry kind ov clean moo cow, male an' its wife, an 2 ov evry kind of unclean moo cow, male an' its mate. 3 An' also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an' female cuz teh burdz are scaredz of teh commitments, an' also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an' female (for teh saem reason) 2 keep their various kindz livin throughout teh earthz. 4 7 daiz and frum nao I;m gonna send teh wetness on teh earthz. A little advize, probabliez a gud idea to keep 'em seperatez so teh moo cows don't haev an episode of "PENIS GOES WHERE?" until joo get der. 4

6

left, an' dose wif him in da ark. 25 teh watrz floodd teh urfz 4 hundrd an' fifty dais.

lieks teh mans, even th0 [a] evry inklnashun of his heart is evl from wen he wuz a kittehn. No moar I lukz at teh mans and sez "Do not want!" 22 "So liek teh urfz iz forevr n evr,

Genesis 8

teh plants groes, iz frozes and teh hots, teh hots and teh frozes, teh day and teh no day goes forevr n ever."

B

ut Ceiling Cat sees Noah guy n teh aminulz n teh cowes taht mooes n Ceiling Cat makes teh windz com n teh watrz iz no moar. 2 Teh watrz iz no moar in teh skyz, k? 3 Teh watrz goz wayz from teh beeg sanboks. At teh end of teh hunert n fiddy dayz teh watrz iz awl goz wayz, 4 n on teh 7teenth day of teh 7 munz teh big bote getz stuk on beeg rokz calt Ararat. 5 Teh watrz kipz goin wayz til teh 10 munz, n on teh first day of teh 10 munz teh tops of teh beg roks can seez. 6 4ty dayz latrz Noah guy openz teh window he hadz maed inna teh beeg bote 7 n senz out blak burd, n teh blak burdee kipz flying n flyn til teh watrz iz all gon wayz from teh beeg sanboks. 8 Latrz Noah guy senz out wite burd so can see teh watrz all goes way from beeg sanboks. 9 But teh wite burd no can fine no plaze can setz itz feetz cuz stil plenny watrz in teh beeg sanboks; so wite burd go bak to to Noah guy in teh beeg bote. Noah guy grabz teh wite burd n getz bak inna teh big bote. 10 Noah guy watz 7 moar daze n senz out teh wite burd from teh big bote. 11 When teh white burd iz com bak to him for teatiem, and sez "I can haz oliv leaf? srsly?" Then Noah noes that teh watrz is goan out. 12 Noah wuz liek wateing sevvin daiz und sent mudkipz to see teh sandbocks, but teh mudkipz noes com bak. 13 Bymby, the watrz iz dried up and teh beeg sanbocks is nrly cleened out. Noah is peekn and seen, 14 by teh 20An7 day of teh munf after teh munfmonth the beeg sanbox is ready to youse! srsly. 15 und Ceiling Cat sed to teh noah, 16 "GTFO, yous and yous wifez and yous sunz and dere wifez. 17 mbring out all teh aminalz and all teh crawlies and all teh burds, even the ones taht no fly —and let tehm HARBL GOES WHERE ! and take over teh wurld" 18 So Noah cam out to his sunz and wifez and all tehy wifez. 19 All teh aminalz and all the crawliez and all the burds, evin teh onz that no fly—evin teh moocowz—came out of teh ark, leik in order, an stuuf. 20 And Noah and all teh aminalz totes gave Ceiling Cat their Pokymons, even their Charizzrds. 21 Teh Ceiling Cat peeped teh charizzrds an sed: "No moar I sez I no

Genesis 9

T

eh Ceiling Cat blezt Noah and hes sunz, and sed to theys: “Haf lawt sexytime n b frootful n fill up teh urthz" 2 Teh aneemals wil be rly scured of u. I mak dem be pwned by u guyz, lol. 3 If it mvs, it kin be et. Even if it dun't—o hai plants. 4 Jst teh meet, doods. No bloods, kthx 5 Ifs u eets teh bloodz iz no gud; teh aminulz noes can has teh bloodz an teh mans noes can eets teh bloodz. An ifs u pwns teh mans iz no gud--teh Ceiling Cat pwns u. 6 “Ifs you pwns da man, teh man pwns u, k? Teh man is liek teh Ceiling Cat. 7 Yah rly, can has teh hawt secks and teh baybeez; Liek, tunnz baybeez, k? Evrywharez.” 8 Ceiling Cat sez to Noah an his kidz: 9 “Hay looks, u an me r liek teh bests frenz an I lieks ur baybeez too, 10 An' teh aminulz u has: teh burdies, teh caws taht mooes, and teh otehr aminulz, dem gives teh mooves off teh boats, k? 11 U and me r liek teh frenz: I no moar makez teh waterz comez; u noe gets wet no moar, k?” 12 Teh Ceiling Cat sez: “U noes taht u and me are teh frenz and me and teh animulz r teh frenz forevr n evr becuz dis: cuz Ceiling Cat pwns rpeat... 13 Visible Raynbo iz in teh skyz, k? U an me an evrywunz is teh frenz becuz teh raynbo r gr8. 14 Ifs u sees teh clowdz, u no kin sez, "Oh Noes! Teh waters comes!" becuz tehres teh raynbo; 15 and I kin sez "OHai luk teh raynbo," becuz u and me and teh aminulz are hella gud frenz; I no makes teh waterz come. 16 Teh raynbo will be in teh clowds and I rmberz taht u and me and teh aminuls iz stil sum moar teh frenz.” 17 And Ceiling Cat sez to Noah, “Teh raynbo meens u and me are teh frenz, k?”

7

Noah an his sunz

Havilah (Nagilah) an Sabby-tah and Raamah an Sabteca; an sonz o Raamah wuz Sheba and D-dan. 8 Now Cush wuz dad o Nimrod; he wuz big. 9 Nimrod wuz aggressive cat; an so, iz said, "aggressive cat is aggressive." 10 Nimrod has a kingdom; kingdom has Babel an Erech an Accad an Calneh, n Shiner. 11 An then he gotz n2 Assyria, has Nineveh an Rehoboth-Ir an Calah, 12 an he bilt Resen in da middle. 13 Enuff wit agressive cat. Miz'raim wuz dad o Ludim an Anamim and Lehabim and Nafuthim 14 an others; he wuz busy! 15 Canaan wuz dad o Sidon and Heth 16 an sum more 17 an sum more 18 an sum more, I forget. 19 Take da 1st left at Gerar fter Sidon, go as far as Gaza, turnz to Sodom an Gomorrah an ah and Zeboiim, if u at Lasha, u gone 2 far. 20 That wuz Ham. 21 An 2 Shem, he gotz sum kidz. 22 Shem gotz Elam and Asshur an Arpachshad and Lud an Aram. 23 An Aram gotz Uz and Hul an Gether an Mash. 24 Arpachshad gotz a betur name. 25 Eber gotz 2 sonz; 1 wuz Peleg, cuz to him, aggressive cat wuz agressive, an defensive cat wuz defensive; an he had a brudder, hiz brudder's name wuz Joktan. 26 Joktan gotz some kidz, 27 kinda a lotz a kidz, 28 lotz a kidz, 29 an some more, yeah, he got himz sum kidz. 30 Now take da 1st left at Mesha 2 Sefar, an u c sum hillz in da east. 31 Bai Shem, 32 kthxbai.

18 So diz d00d Noah has teh 3 sonz on teh boatz. They has sum crazi namez all Shem and Ham and Japheth or summin. Ham wuz Canaan's daddi n nawt teh lunch meats. lol 19 newaiz frum deez 3 bros, all of teh worldz was ppl-ated. 20 So liek Noah groes teh grapez. 21 And Noah iz liek "Oh hai grapez" and he drinkz teh grapez and drinkz teh moar grapez and no moar haz teh cloethz on. 22 And Ham, Canaan's daddi and nawt teh lunch meats, sees Noah and sez "Oh hai broes, he haz teh invisible cloethz." 23 But Shem and Japheth tooks sum cloethz n put dem on Noah cuz he wuz drunkz. They clozd ther eyez so they not sawn his peen n othr nekidness. 24 So Noah wakez up wif teh hangzover n he noes dat Ham shudda cut him offa teh grapez 25 So liek Noah sez: “Canaan iz teh stoopid; He iz a noob of noobz And liek evrywun pwns him. evn teh fat kid” 26 And he sez: “Teh Ceiling Cat pwns, Teh Ceiling Cat taht lieks Shem, And Shem pwns Canaan. 27 Teh Ceiling Cat lieks Japheth, He kin be in Shemz tentz, subjigaeting hiz mans.”

Genesis 11

28 So liek Noah keep livn three hunderd n fifty years after teh waterz goez away 29 So Noah becumz ded whenz he be OMG WTF 950???, wowzors but hez ded nao

Teh Towur ov Babel

A

nd all uv de Urf was lolcatspeekinkz usin' lolcats werdz. 2 Whial teh menz be movin' eest, they finded vallee in teh land uv Shinar an sitted ther. 3 Dey sed "hai, letz maek teh brix an make 'em harrd wif fiir." So dey uzed brix for ston an bitumen (wtf izzat?) for mortar. 4 Den dey sed "hai, letz maek reel tall towerz for us so we be togethr forevr!" 5 So, Ceiling Cat comeded down an saw teh men an ther towerz. 6 Den Ceiling Cat sez "Oh noes, if they all togethr after mah hi spot, they gonna get mah hi spot! 7 I gots'ta confuzzle 'em and stop 'em!" 8 Dat's wai Ceiling Cat pwned 'em an dragd 'em away from ther towerz. Dey stop buldin' after dat. 9 So teh towerz wuz calld Babel cuz Ceiling Cat made teh men babbul ther befor movin' dem.

Genesis 10

H

ai, now thz be th recordz o th genrashnz o Shem Ham an Jafef sonz o Noah, and sonz born 2 thm fter th flud, sonz wit duuuuum namz. 2 Sonz o Jafef wuz Pyle an Magog-ogog an Madai an Javan an 2-bal an Meshech an Tiraz. 3 Sonz o Pyle wuz Ashkenaz an Rafaf and Togarmah. 4 Sonz o Javan wuz Elishah Tarshish an Kitteh (yay!) an Dodanim. 5 They each haz a bukkit; bukkits be sorted cuz of how they talk n stuf. 6 Sonz o Ham wuz Cush an Miz'raim an Put an Canaan. 7 Sonz o Cush wuz Seba an

8

Babeez frum Shem thru Abraham

Genesis 12

10 So liek lissen, dis here'z teh stuffs Shem did. Two yeerz after teh Urfs wuz all fludz n' stuff, Shem was liek a hunnerd yrz old, and he finilly got doen to bizness makin teh babeez. He namez furst babee Arpachshad. 11 Shem went an lived OMG ANOTHER 500 YRZ and madez more babeez. 12 Arpachshad only waeted 35 yrz before he made babeez, and was teh dad ov Shelah. 13 Tehn Arphaxad lived OMG ANOTHER 403 YRZ and madez more babeez. 14 Shelah only waeted 30 yrz before he goed PENIS GOES WHARE?!, and was teh dad ov Eber. 15 Tehn Shelah lived 403 more yrz also and madez more babeez 'cuz he dint want hiz dad to show him up. 16 Eber waeted 34 yrz to has babeez, and was teh dad o teh Peleg. 17 Tehn Eber lived 430 more yrz and madez more babeez jus to show hiz dad and grampz whoz teh boss. 18 Peleg took afta grampa Shelah an maed babeez at 30 yrz old, and was teh dad ov Reu 19 But Peleg only lasted 209 more yrz, tho he maeded more babeez. 20 Reu went an did it at 32, and was teh dad ov Serug. 21 Reu liveded only 207 yrz longer, tho he too maeded more babeez. 22 At 30, Serug maed babeez, and was teh dad ov Nahor. 23 Serug only lasted 200 mor yrz, but still maeded mor babeez. 24 Nahor beet his daddies past and maed babeez at 29, and was teh dad ov Terah. 25 Nahor also only liveded to 119, but he too maeded other babeez. 26 Terah maeded teh babeez Abram, Nahor, and Haran by teh tiem he was 70.

Ceiling Cat sez stuff to Abram

C

eiling Cat sais to Abram, gowai. 2 Ceiling Cat sais I can mek u famous on teh interwebs and u mek teh babiez and stuffs. 3 I leik dem who leik u, an I DO NOT WANT! dem who DO NOT WANT! you, and I liekd the south africa and the Iraq cuz you leik. 4 Abram n Lot gowai, and dey are old and stuffs. 5 Abram takes all da monies and his wyfe and all da babiez and sayd kthxbai. 6 Abram sees da invisible tree. 7 Ceiling Cat sais all this base are belong to u. Abram makeded Ceiling Cat a cookie. 8 Abrams can has the base and can has house in teh base. He makeded Cieling Cat a cookie agian. 9 Abrams explorded all his base.

Abram in his Egypt-base 10 But all his base no can has cheezburger, and Abram has to gowai. 11 Abram gets to the end of teh base and sais to da wife, ur in my heart, stealing it. 12 Abrams sais that those d00dz will want surpriz! buttsecks and will maek me ded. 13 Abrams sais to da wyfe tell dem ur my sister so dey DO NOT WANT! surpriz! buttsecks and dey leik me. 14 Teh d00dz did want surpriz! buttsecks. 15 Da King wanted surpriz! buttsecks too and he stolded Abrams wyfe. 16 Da King likeded Abrams and said you can has bukkit and lolwalrus too, and moocows and even peeple. 17 Ceiling Cat makeded the King sick where pewpies come from. 18 Da King said to Abrams you lieded to me. 19 Da King did not want surpriz! buttsecks nymoar and sez take ur wyfe and gowai. 20 Da King makeded Abrams gowai and was in his base, stealin all his stuffz.

Teh Stry of Terah - Dun Wury, Iz Short 27 So herez what Terah been doed. Liek wuz sed, Terah maeded teh babeez Abram, Nahor, and Haran. Haran maeded teh babee Lot. 28 Haran deided before his daddeh Terah, in his hoemtawn Ur ov Chaldeans. 29 Abram an Nahor gotz teh ladies; Abram gotz Sarai, an Nahor gotz Milcah. Milcah's daddy was Haran, who also had teh babee Iscah. 30 An Sarai was liek "OMG I cant hav babeez! ;(" 31 So den Terah tookded Abram, Lot, and Sarai and ran off out ov Ur ov Chaldeans. He ment to hed to Canaan, but dey stopded in Haran. 32 Terah died dere in Haran afta 205 yrz.

Genesis 13 Ambram still in Ejipp, lol

A

bram goed up from Ejipp to the Neggev and him takez his woman and cheezburgerz and bukketz and inviseble biek and L0t. 2 Abram had gots menny moocowz and chikenz(notz freid) and piggs and such but

9

pigz wuz stil k cuz abram An hiz peepz wuznt rly joos yet so kosher wuznt invntd yet. he gots too lots of teh shynee coinz and stuffz 3 he lef teh negev and rode teh inviseble biek to and fro and goes to Bethel, and is liek "oh hai", cuz his tentz and bukkets were dere b4 4 An den Abram wuz liek "CIELING CAT!!!!!!!!!!11111oneeleven" 5 And L0t, wit Abram haz his moocows and piggs and homez and stuffz 6 But the urf no can hold demz at same tyme, for their moocows were too larj. 7 An Abram and L0t wuz liek "MORTAL KOMBAT!!" An Canaanites and Perizzites wuz ther 2 8 Abram and Lot was lyk "we no wants fite, we iz BFF's and can has cheezburgers, 9 An teh hole urf is larj liek really big hairball. we can splitz up 10 L0t lukd at Jordan, seed it was wet, liek teh Cieling Cat's garden of vejtiblez. This was b4 Ceiling Cat PWNT Sodom and Gomora 11 Lot lieked Cieling Cat's backyard, he want, and haz all of jordan. Abram no liek and goed bai. 12 Abram lives on teh grass and sandbox of Canaan, while L0t live in homez wif catboxz near Sodom. 13 An kittehs of Sodom are evul like puppehs and talkin bad bout Ceiling Cat An iz keepz on raedin wikkidpedia An ritin mor stuff in it bout how 2 b mor eviler den puppehs. 14 An Ceiling Cat sayz to Abram after Lot went bai, "Look up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start- 15 cuz dats teh code for unlimited cheezburgers for you and yous kittehs 16 An i will make your kittehs of litter and urf, so litter kittehs could be counted, huh? 17 so you goes and walks thru my sandboxz, cuz i givez it all to u" 18 So Abram moved his homez and goed to live by teh really big treez and plants and grass of Mamre at Hebron, where he makez a great cheezburger shrine for teh Cieling Cat.

bunch of sandboxz. 6 An teh Horites in bumpy country Seir near real dry sandbox El Paran. 7 tehy turn back an went to En Mishpat, and they has whole base now of Amalekites and Amorites in Hazazon Tamar. 8 Tehn Sodom king, and Gomora king and ah king and Zeloiim king and Bela king, left 4 battlefield 2142, in Crevice Siddim. 9 Who no like Kedorlaomer and Tidal (he iz still wet) and Amraphel and Arloch, 4 kings gainst 5, cheating :( 10 In crevice Siddim wit lotz sticky pits, When Sodom king and Gomorrah king went bai they got suck in sticky and messed up ther furz. 11 4 kings sais I can has your catnipz and your cheezburgers, kthxbai 12 Tehy grabd Lot and his catnipz and cheezburgers, because he in Sodom homez. 13 Sneaky Cat escaped and told Abram (who lives in big treez with lots of cheezburgers) 14 Abram sez "LEAVE LOT ALONEz!!!!" 15 In dark Abram split kitteh armeh and performed blitzkreig bop. Chased to far away urth of Hobah 16 Abram got back his cheezburgers and his catnip and Lot with his catnip and cheezburgers (lots and lots) and Sexxy lady kittehs and baby kittehs 17 when abram got back he shared cheezburgers with Sodom king 18 Melchizedek brunggd out snax and mulk, he is BFF with Ceiling Cat 19 An He told Abram you can has blessing, saying "blessed can be Abram by Ceiling Cat, Creator of cheezburgers and cookies and stuff" 20 And blessed be Ceiling Cat soo high up, Who bringz Goomba's and Foot Soldiers." Then Abram gave him 10th everthing. 21 Teh king of Sodom sayz 2 Abram, "i can has teh kittehs, you keep teh catnip and cheezburgers and stuff" 22 Abram said "No Liek, raised paw to Ceiling Cat, soo high up, creater of cheezburgers and catnip and urth and stuffz, i has swared" 23 No Liek your stuff, not yarn, not string, not thong, or shoes, no wai U can sai "I made Abram Rich" 24 I no take anyting but teh cheezburgers my kittehs alredy eated.

Genesis 14

L

otz of kings liek Amrafel, Arioch, Kedoror, and Tidal (who iz wet) 2 Other bunch of kings leik Bera, and Birsha, and Shinab, And ah, and Shemeber, and Bela's king, no leik other kings and MORTAL KOMBAT!!@! 3 All bunch of kings met in salty see's 4 For 12th years tey suffer to Kedolomer, but 13th year they Mortal Kombat!!!@# 5 14th year Kedolomer and teh kingz, beated up teh Refaites in

Genesis 15

A

n den, Abram can has dream of Cieling Cat, and he sez

10

"Don be fraidy cat Abram, i blocks teh attacks, and den you can has cheezburger"

kittehs with Hagar." 3 Abram said kthanxbye. 4 10 yrz laterz, no srsly, he made kittehz wit Hagar. Hagar got babeez in her and got sasseh. 5 Sarai gotted madz at Abram. She sed, "yr fawlt I is not happy. You and my bukkit holdr made kittehs and kittehs made her sasseh. The Invisible Man sez hooz rite. 6 Abe sed, "Shez YR bukkit holdr. No srsly." So Sarai took Hagarz cheezeburgerz from her and Hagar ran. 7 The Ceiling Carz Ceiling Cat saw Hagar in the sandbox. Fer real. 8 He sed, "Where from, where to" "I is hiding frm Sarai." 9 Ceiling Cat sed, "yr her bukkit holder, go hold her bukkit." 10 "I'll make you get lots and lots of kittehs." 11 Ceiling Cat spokes-kitteh sais to her:

2 but Abram wuz liek "Cieling Cat, i has no kittehs to giv mah homez and sandboxz and littrbox and such 3 with no kittehs, my servants can has mah homez and stufs 4 Cieling Cat sez "STFU Abram, i can givez you a kitteh to play WoW with" 5 He takes Abram outside and is liek "look at teh starz and hevenz, if yous can count them, so is ur kittehs" 6 And Abram was liek srsly? All cause Ceiling Cat is Righchus 7 He also says "I iz Ceiling Cat, I give you lots and lots of urfs to has" 8 Abram was leik "But how Ceiling Cat, teh horde alredy has possesions?" 9 An Ceiling Cat was leik "Bring me moocow, goat and rams but only 3 yeerz old with a white burd and baby pidgun" 10 Abram brought teh moocow and teh got and teh rams but he cutted them in half. Teh burdz and pidgun were not. 11 Tehn evil burdz came from the ceiling and eated dem. Abram no liek and says you no can has. 12 Abram has sleep as sun goes down, but no good, lots of nightmares (poor Abram). 13 An Ceiling Cat was liek, "ur kittehs will be not knowed in nayshuns they no has, they will be pwnt and slaved, tis bad, but dey will come out with cheezburgers" 14 Ceiling Cat says tho he will "make unwanted invisible buttsecks with nayshuns dat make ure kittehs pwnt. 15 u is not bad tho, u can has death at old age with papa kittehs 16 but ur greatgreat-grand kittehs will come back here, cuz then sinz of Amorites reach critical mass" 17 Then it gots dark out, and there appeerz a bucket with fire 18 An Cieling Cat sez "i give all dis sandboxz and littrboxs to your kittehs, and their kittehs kittehs and so on and so forth 19 and teh littrboxs of Kenites, Kenizzites, Konites, 20 Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, 21 Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites."

"U now Pregnantz U will has boi kitteh Ishmael is gud name 4 him, Ceiling Cat heard your meow'n" 12 Kitteh will B crazy kitteh donkeh; his paws touchy feely but seckseh bod everyone touch he is always angry to his kitteh brothers 13 She sais to Ceiling Cat "Ishmael = hiz name", He sais "U seez me", she sais "U sees me I sees U" 14 Tis why teh water hole iz named Beer Lahi Roi, still der, always will be. 15 So Hagar (not Sammy) made Abram a son because of secks, Abram naimd kitteh Ishmael 16 Abram was really old when Hagar haz kittens.

Genesis 17

A

bram was 99 yr geezer, n Ceiling Cat sez 2 him: "I pwn everthing! lets be bff!1 2 We can has speshul covenint n i do invisible magic so yous breed leik rabbit." 3 Abram rofl...well not lulz, but he rofl cuz Ceiling Cat is big important. n Ceiling Cat say, 4 "For my covenint I make you breed leik rabbit so that u father many nayshuns. 5 Ur domain name abram.com, iz 404 not found. I make u new URL...abraham.com. this have sumthin 2 do w how, did I mention, i make you breed leik rabbit! 6 I leik fruit, and I leik u ! I leik teh rabbit, and teh nayshuns, o an kingz 2 so I will make ur descendants lot of kingz. 7 Since i do all this 4 yous, I be Ceiling Cat to u n pwn all yous 4eva. 8 i put u in Canaan,

Genesis 16 Gud things happens soon, k?

S

arai no can has kittehs. She can has Jippshun bukkit holdr Hagar. 2 Sarai sez to Abe, "Teh Ceiling Cat sez I no can haz kittehs. Maybe Hagar can haz kittehs. Make

11

N

first we subdew natives so you can has it 4eva. OHai did I mention i be Ceiling Cat and pwn all yous?" 9 Then Ceiling Cat say, "An yous better keep ur part covenint, you n all ur kittehs and grandkittehs and so on. 10 N here it is FTW. Teh convenint u makes with me 4eva: All kitteh with dangly bit must cut off speshul skin. 11 Leik I said, all yous need do this cuz it meanz covenint. 12 All ur kitteh, grandkitteh et setera with teh dangly bit, u cut speshul skin when 8 days. Also if u buy kitteh on black market, u cut there dangly bit 2. 13 Leik I keep sayin cuz i iz so badass it all bear repeatin, u has 2 do this for covenint. 14 Any kitteh with teh dangly bit who not can has cut, i make him go far away, 4 he break teh covenint" 15 Ceiling Cat also say to Abraham, "Dood, ur wife's domain name, sarai.com, iz too 404 not found. she can also has new URL, sarah.com 16 I make invisible Ceiling Cat magic on her an she give u tiny kitteh with dangly bits. Nayshuns and kingz will come out of her kittehs, cuz i lay my badass blessins on her." 17 Abraham rofl, an now he lulz to hisself an think, "O rly? Sarah and me is both geezurs, no can has kittehs." 18 An Abraham say to Ceiling Cat, "I has son already, Ishmael. He can has awesome Ceiling Cat blessin 2?" 19 An Ceiling Cat say, "Ya but Sarah has another kitteh soon, and his domain name isaac.com. With this kitteh I make my speshul covenint. 20 Ishmael, ya he gots invisible blessing too, n I make him breed leik rabbit too. 21 But I leik Isaac more, u meet him this year when Sarah plop him out. Isaac be my main homie with teh covenint cuz I m in ur base playin my favoritism." 22 Ceiling Cat say, "Kthxbai!" 23 So right awai Abraham take Ishmeal an everone else in his base with teh dangly bits, includin kittehs he bought on black market, n leik Ceiling Cat say he cut speshul skin. 24 When Abraham cut his dangly bits, he 99yrs. LOL, old. 25 His kitteh Ishmael 13 yrs. 26 Abraham and kitteh both make speshul cut to dangly bits same day. KODAK MOMENT. 27 n all teh others on his base 2. Everone with teh dangly bits go snippy snippy.

oaw Abraham waz rlxn and Ceiling Cat waz liek "Oh Hai" 2 But wen Abraham waz 2 liek "Oh hai" ther waz 3 doodz and he waz leik "WTF" n he pwned hisself 3 He sed "D00d, Srsly, hang out 4 You can has water and rest 5 And you can haz cheezburgr." And 3 doodz sed "we can has!" 6 so Abraham went to Sarah and waz liek "Mek som cookehs!" 7 And he went to hiz moocowz and made teh best one teh ded 4 to eat 8 And he sed to 3 doodz "here, you can has" 9 N tehy wer liek "Wher ur woman?" And Abraham sed "ovar ther" 10 N sed "Srsly, when we com bak she gonna be teh preggers" Adn Sarah herd this 11 BTW: Abraham n Sarah wer teh OLD, Srsly, and Sarah waz to old 4 teh babyz. Titzorz at da bell-e buttin. 12 And Sarah LOLed and waz liek "WTF!? NO WAI! WE R TEH OLD!!11 LOL" 13 And TEH D00D sed 2 Abraham "WTF, Y she LOLed? 14 Nothin iz inposbell 4 Ceiling Cat, srsly, she gon be teh preggers!" 15 And Sarah waz liek "I no LOLed" Ann he waz liek "yea u did"

Abraham Askx Ceiling Cat 2 Be Naice 2 Sodom 16 N teh 3 men were liek "Kthxbai" and Abraham went wit dem 17 Ceiling Cat sed "shud I tel Abraham wat I'm gon do, 18 Cuz he iz cool, and he iz gonna b grate nashun, and all nashuns r gonna has cheezburger cuz of him? 19 Cuz I choes him so he n his kittehs coud say liek 'Cieling Cat iz cool, srsly'" 20 So Ceiling Cat sed "Sodom n Gomorrah suxz0rz, liek, srsly" 21 "Im gonna chekc it out n see" 22 So the doodz went to Sodom, but Ceiling Cat waz stil wit Abraham, k? 23 Abraham waz liek "OMFG, u srsly gonna kill teh good ppl wit teh bad ppl!?" 24 "Wat if thers 50 good ppl? U stil gonna pwn it?" 25 "WEAK" 26 So Ceiling Cat waz liek "k if iz 50 ppl i wont pwn it" 27 N Abraham waz liek "OMG, i sux, but 28 wat if has 45 good ppl?" N Ceiling Cat sed "ill not pwn if has 45" 29 N Abraham was liek "wat bout 40???" an Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 40" 30 And Abraham sed "k, dont b mad or shred me, but wat if has 30?" and Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 30" 31 And Abraham sed "OMG, but wat if has 20?" and Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 20" 32 And Abraham sed "k, dont b mad, thsi is last tiem I promiz, but wat if has 10?" and Ceiling Cat

Genesis 18 Sarah LOLZ, Abraham pesters Cieling Cat

12

sed "i wont if has 10. srsly" 33 And thei wer both liek "Kthxbai"

dark to get to lettle town. 24 From teh hole in teh ceiling came bunches of teh sulfer and it wuz teh flame. 25 N thats how Ceiling Cat pwnd the land n teh fruitzors An vegbatels. It happen. 26 But Lotz wife not RTFM and now has a flavor, flavor iz salty. 27 Lot wake up next day (cause he not kitteh and can't see in dark) and went back to goatse land. 28 He RTFM and see lots of smokes n stuff 29 Ceiling cat memberd Abraham and didn't pwn A Lot.

Genesis 19 Sodom n Gomorrah PWNED

h

oley d00dz wit wngs cam 2 Kittijuana @ h4ppy hour ann Lot waz bummin outside teh citeh. Lot saw dem and waz all, Doodz, you are teh holey, and bowed down to eatz teh cheezburger. 2 Doodz, he saiz, plz crash on my couch, you can wash my kittehs feet and I will keck j00 out when I r woke. Lolz, teh doodz said, we iz gonna sleep together in teh middle of teh citeh. 3 Lot iz all doodz crash on my couch. He called up teh taco bell ann tey gave it to hiz kitteh. 4 All teh drunc doodz went to Lotz place. 5 Teh drunc guyz says to Lot, dood, letz bang teh guyz in j00r place. VISIBLE BUTTSEX! 6 Lot goez outside n close teh cat flap. 7 He sayz, oh snap, don't do tat! ewwwww 8 Lol U can hit my hot daughterz whu r virginz. Let me get em n we kan PENIS GOES WHERE? them. But don't do theze doodz, they iz in mah house. 9 Aw Hellz nah. We iz gonna hit j00r door an hav lemmon party. ur gonna get raped fisrt. 10 Teh doodz pulled Lot into teh howse. 11 Teh doodz MADE TEH MAGIK ANTI LITE! (is ok tho cuz kitteh can see in teh dark) 12 Tehn the two doodz waz all liek "GTFO man. and bring ur kitteh, 13 j00 cant hang out with uz be cuz we is goin' to PWN this place." 14 Lot sez to hiz daughters fiances (teh 1 s he wuz gonna let the hole town do PENIS GOES WHERE wif). "U better go cause Ceiling cat gonna pwn this" place but they thaught it wuz a TARP. 15 Teh Doodz sez GTFO with ur wimenz or we pwn U 2. 16 Then Lot was al liek "OH NOES!" and teh doodz made him left with his wife an daughters (teh 1s they was gonna rape) and his cheezburger. 17 One ov teh doodz sez GTFO nd don't l00k back or RTFM. Go 2 the ceiling or we gonna pwn U. 18 N Lot was lik "DOOODz!!1!!1, 19 I not make to ceiling, I gots teh slow, U B 2 fast. 20 howse abouts the lettle town ovar thar? Pweese? cauze lettle town is lettle." (lettle toen be called Zoar wich iz funny bibbel naim 4 lettle) 21 Ceiling kat sez "K I not pwn lettle town 22 But I gives U teh fast cuz I be waitin fo yo call" 23 Lot still had teh slow n it took all

Lot and His Daughters 30 Lot mooved to mountains cuz he scared of Zoar (and smelled like old fart) n lived in a kave. 31 Older dauter sez to younger dauter, "Old father is Old and I R in heat. 32 I get daddy drunk and do PENIS GOES WHERE?! So we can save our recessive genes." 33 That night they giv daddy winez and /b. Daddy drink winez to make imagez go away and older daughter do PENIS GOES WHERE?!. /b so bad daddy knot . 34 neXt day, older daughter say "I do buttsecKs wif daddy, now ur turn" 35 /b nasty again so Lot drinkZORS to stuporz and younger daughter doez PENIS GOES WHERE?! 36 Boaf gurlz get preggerz from daddy. 37 Older daughter plop out boy named Moab, He be Father of Moabates and Mother of all bombs (and smell like desert recessives) 38 Lettle daughter plop out boy called Ben-(ken)Ammi who be father of (ken)Amminoites today n sing gud.

Genesis 20 Abraham n Abimelech

A

n Abraham went 2 teh south country, an chilld tween Kadesh and Shur, an askd "I can has bed?", and crashd in Gerar 2 An Abraham saiz "Dewd, my wief Sarah be iz my sistr," an Abimelech iz liek "Lol, thaz messd up" an takd Sarah 3 But Ceiling Cat comez to Abimelech while hez sleepn an saiz, "O hai, thaz not rite you liek takd a wief away, you be ded now" 4 But Abimelech iz liek, "My bad, Ceiling Cat, plz doez not eated me" 5 An Abimelech is all, "Abraham saiz he an his sistr be all liek "PENIS GOES WHERE?" an thaz not rite" 6 An Ceiling Cat is liek,"Ya thaz nasty ur rite 7 But givez back

13

Abraham his sistr even tho thaz nasty 'cuz he bez knowin' teh futur n' stufs an if you doeznt I eated you, kthxbai" 8 Abimelech wakd up erly, an calld teh slavez, an hes liek, "Ceiling Cat saiz Abraham iz kewl, lez give back his wief," an teh slavez wuz skerd. 9 Den Abimelech calld Abraham, an he sai, "WTF! Y u brin invisible error an not cheezburgrz?" 10 An he sai, "Wut made u do dat?" 11 An Abraham sai, "cuz I thot, surely teh feer of Ceiling Cat iz not in dis place; an tehy will eated me 4 mah wiefz saek 12 An mah wief iz mah sistr but only mah half sistr, we doeznt gots teh same mommy, so NBD, k?" 13 And then latrz, after Ceiling Cat telled us to leef Ejip, so Abraham did sez "look, no tell other pplz we is marry. i no like teh commit no moar. instead you say you is mai sister, k?" And Sarah was all "k, wut can i do?" 14 And Abraham pwned Abimelech and tooked his sheeps, and moocows, and slaves for teh working, and his slaves for teh PENIS GOES WHERE?!, and was full of teh epic and win. 15 an Abimelech was all, you can has mai base." 16 He sez "Yo, I have giv ur burdder 1x103 silver cookehs (about 25lbs). we cool now? plz do not eated me, sowry." 17 And Abraham talked to Ceiling Cat and Ceiling Cat made Abimelech all betterz and tooked the diapramz from hiz wife n slave chix so PENIS GOES WERE?! wurked gud. 18 cause when all this started, he put in INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM.

tittee, so Abraham wuz all laik, "Let's partee an eatum da cheezburgrz!!1!" 9 An Sarah sawed Ishmael bein liek, "Nyah nyah!!" 10 So she told Abraham 2 tell Hagar the slavezor and her n00b son to GTFO, cuz she didn't want them to has no cheezburgrz. 11 Abraham sayed, "wtf?!?!? No cheezburgrz?" 12 But Ceiling Cat tolded him, "Don't wurry bout those n00bs. Do what Sarah tellz U, becuz they getz to has no cheezburgrz now. DO NOT WANT! Isaac gets thum all. DOES WANT! 13 Ishmael will getz cheezburgrz l8r when he becomes all h4xx0r n stuffz. srsly." 14 Abraham tooked sum cookize n waterz and putted it on Hagar's shoulderz and sended her off wif the boi. She was in ur deserts lookin for ur waterz. srsly, it was called Beersheba. 15 She no can find waters and put boi under a bush 16 and cry cause she dont wanna see boi get ded and dry up like prune 17 Kitteh hearz boi cry (sound like kitteh) and sez "sup Hagar? no be skered, Ceiling cat be hearin it too. 18 pls get him and he can has cheezburgerz cause he is h4xx0r now." 19 Kitteh make waterz (no not that kind, teh kind U can drink), so U CAN HAS waterz and not dry out and l00k like prune. srsly, it happen. 20 Ceiling cat was BFF and hung out wif teh boi. He lived in ur desert and has bow and arrow 21 Desert called Paran n mom gots him an egyptian bride (she walk like egyptian, prolly smell like 1 2).

The Treaty at Beersheba

Genesis 21

22 Meanwiles Abimelech and Phicol teh commander of his forces sez to Abraham, "ur BFF with Ceiling cat K? 23 swear U not be like NO CAN HAS to me or anything wif my DNA, U be like CAN HAS cheezburgerz n cookiez n happy leik I dids to U." 24 Abraham sez "K BFF kthnx" 25 Abraham emo bout waterz Abimelech's servants had pwnd. 26 Abimelech sez "WHUT? WHENZ? HUH? WTF?" 27 Abraham getz sum sheepz an moocows n a cookie and they make treaty. 28 and getz 7 ewes (babi girl sheepz) 29 Abimelech sez WTF? sheepz, I no wanna HARBL GOES WHERE. 30 Abraham sez "sheepz mean I made hole 4 waterz ur doodz pwnd." 31 So nows that place called Beersheba cause those doodz sweared oath there (Beersheba iz funny bibbel naim 4 well ov 7 or well ov oath, we not rly shur). 32 then Abimelech and Phicol the commander

Da burf uf Isaac

A

n Ceiling Cat hangeded wif Sarah an wuz all liek, "O hai, j00 can get teh preggers now, kthxbai," 2 An she gaiv burf even tho she wuz all old an stuffz. 3 Abraham calleded his son Isaac, cuz that's joospeek for "he laffs." 4 An Abraham cut Isaac's penis tip cuz Ceiling Cat lieks to see dat kinda stuffz. 5 Abraham wuz hunderd yeers old at da time. 6 An Sarah sayed, "Ceiling Cat bringz teh LOLz!!1!1!!!eleventeen!!!1 7 Whoda thunk it?? Im all old, but Ceiling Cat restorded ma ovaries."

Hagar an Ishmael GTFO 8 An Isaac gru and stopped suxx0r on Sarah's

14

The dath of Sarah

uv forces returned 2 land of Philistines. 33 Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, n hung out wif Ceiling cat. 34 n he stayed in teh Philistines for a loooooooooong time.

S

ara lived 2 be 27-1 years old 2 at Kiriath Arba (a.k.a. Hebron) in teh land ov Canaan, n Abraham went 2 mourn 4 her and 2 do tearz at her. 3 Abraham sed to Hittites, 4 "YO Gimmeh somez landz so I can burry my wife, I pays" 5 Hittites sez: 6 "U CAN HAS anything U wantz" 7 Abraham wetz pantz 8 and sez "yo, talk to Ephron son ov Zohar on my behalf 9 so he will sell me teh cave of Machpelah, which be hiz, I payz full price" 10 Ephron the Hittite was chillin wif hiz possie ans sez 2 Abraham real loud, 11 "No, sup; I gives yous the field, and I gives yous the cave that is in it. itz K, bury the meat, it smells" 12 Abraham haz mor wet for pantz 13 and sez "I pay moniez I rly du" 14 Ephron sed 2 Abraham: 15 (I can get 400 silver cookiez (about 10 lbs) 4 teh land butz sheese stinkin up, plant her!)" 16 Abraham giveh 400 silver cookies to Ephron (even tho he don't gotta) 17 So Ephron's field in Machpelah near Mamre—both teh field and the cave in it, and all the treez within the borders of the field—was deeded 18 2 Abraham in front of everybodi. 19 Laterz Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in teh field of Machpelah near Mamre (=Hebron) in teh land of Canaan. 20 So Abraham now can haz teh field an cave.

Genesis 22

C

eiling cat givd Abraham test so Abraham cud hav cheezburgrz. Ceiling cat sed "Oh hai Abraham. 2 Taek ur kitteh Isaac to whur I say an burn him inna mountainz. 3 So Abraham got up erly an tuk Isaac an 2 servnts, an cut teh wud 4 burning an went to mountainz. 4 On thrd day, he saw place to burn him. 5 He sed "Servnts, stay here wit donkey. We coem bak later k bai." 6 An he gaev wud to Isaac to curry an he tuk torch an knife. 7 An Isaac sed "K dad wher sheep?" 8 An Abraham sed "Ceiling cat will giv sheep." So they goed to place. 9 An Abraham bult altar an putted Isaac on it. 10 He gon stab Isaac Oh noez! 11 Ceiling Cat hazd a angel and teh angel wazd liekd "OH HAI ABRAHAM" and Abraham wazd liek "OH HAI" 12 And teh angel wazd liek "OH HAI, ABOUT TAHT KILLIN UR SON...J/K LOL!1 Ur win cheezburgrz 4evr" 13 And teh angel sed "We downgrazden youz 2 a RAM" An Abraham tukd ram an burnd it. 14 An Abraham sed dis place now cald "Ceiling Cat Gievs Cheezburgrz." 15 An Ceiling cat sed "OH HAI ABRAHAM" 16 An he sed "Abraham ur gud kitteh. U wud givd me ur kitteh. 17 So ur kitteh wil haev lots of kittehs, more than stars an sand, an kittehs will have bukket 18 an all kittehs can has cheezburgrz. Cuz u iz gud kitteh." 19 An Abraham went wit Isaac an servnts to Beer-sheba 4 long vaycayshun. 20 An kittehs tuld Abraham "Ur bro Nahor an hiz wief Milcah haded kittehs!" 21 An Nahors kittehs wer Huz, Buz, an Kemuel. An Kemuel had kitteh cald Aram. 22 An Nahors moer kittehs wer Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, and Bethuel. 23 An Bethuel had kitteh Rebekah. So Abraham haded many nephew kittehs! 24 An Nahors PENIS GOES WHERE?! kitteh Reumah had kittehs too! Had Tebah, Gaham, Thahash, an Maachah! WTFLOLBBQ lots of kittehs!

Genesis 24 Isaac and Rebekah

A

braham waz teh oldz en BFF wif Ceiling Cat. 2 he waz teh head servent dood "puts yer paw unner my legz" (ewwwwww) 3 "I wantz U 2 swear by Ceiling Cat, who maded teh skiez An da Urfs that I DO NOT WANT my son's wife 2 B Canaanite, where we be at. 4 but DO WANT wife from my landz and relatives 4 Issac." 5 Servant sez whut if she DO NOT WANT come here, Do I takes him there?" 6 Abraham sez "DO NOT WANT him there" 7 Ceiling Cat BFF sez 'Issac do HARBOL GOES WHERE? first, then he can go der.' 8 If she DO NOT WANT come here, you KTHXBAI, no takes Issac. 9 Servent dood putz hand unner his legz (ewwwww) n made oath 10 Teh servent takez 10 camuels (leik moocows, but different) and

Genesis 23 15

did not eated them, and lotza swag. He goes from Aram Naharaim 2 Nahor. 11 He getz there when the gurlz are commin it fill BUCKETZ, he makes camuels neel near waterz hole 12 The he praz to Ceiling Cat, "0 Ceiling Cat of Abraham, lemme find gurl to bring back for PEINIS GOES WHERE? 13 Checkit, l00k at the gurlz! 14 if she sez me and camuels CAN HAS BUCKETS, I bring her back." 15 as he wuz talkin to Ceiling Cat, Rebekah (a gurl) comes out with BUCKET. she daughter ov Bethuel son ov Milcah (wife ov Abraham's brudder Nahor). 16 she never do PENIS GOES WHERE? and waz pretty, She fill BUCKET with waterz 17 He sez CAN HAS BUCKET? 18 she sez U CAN HAS MY BUCKET 19 She sez GIMMEH BUCKET so camuels CAN HAS BUCKET. 20 she sez now camules CAN HAS BUCKET. 21 He watched to see if Ceiling Cat liked this 1. 22 when camuels were done with BUCKET, he gets out a nose ring and braceletz 23 and sez, letz go 2 ur dads palce. 24 She sez "dads Bethuel, grandpap Nahor, mom Milcah 25 YOU CAN HAS room at my place 26 He sez to Ceiling Cat 27 KTHZ dood, I'm goin to Abraham's DNA 28 She tellz mom n all, 29 and her brother Laban. 30 n he seez sis wif nose ring n bracletz n goez to meat him. 31 Laban sez "d00d!!!1!1! WTF you here 4? You BFF Ceiling Cat, check out my crib." 32 So he goes to teh house. foodz was brought for camuels and they eated it, and they washed teh feetz in buckets. 33 the was delicios cakes but he not eated it, he sez "I do not want eated it until I tell u this"

BUCKET and ur camuels CAN HAS MY BUCKET too" I'll call it gud. 45 I wasnt done talkin to Ceiling Cat when I sees Rebeka an sez "CAN I HAS UR BUCKET?" 46 n she sez U CAN HAS MAI BUCKET and ur camuels too. 47 I axed her who she wuz she said she wus from Abrahams DNA!!!11!!1! so I shoved a ring up her nose and put the cuffs on,48 n thanked Ceiling Cat.49 can I has her? if I can no has her, tell me where I can get another 1. 48 so I shoved a ring up her nose and put the cuffs on, 49 n thanked Ceiling Cat. 50 can I has her? if I can no has her, tell me where I can get another 1. 51 Laban and Bethuel sez "This be Ceiling Cat business, we outta this, 52 you CAN HAS gurl, so ur master's son can do PENIS GOES WHERE on her. Leik Ceiling Cat sez" 53 when he hearz that he bowed to Ceiling Cat 54 and got gold n silver shiny things n clothes n gave them to the gurl, he also dumped buckets of swag on her brudder n mom 55 then they eated delicious cake and drinked and sleeped. when he waked up, he sed I GTFO, KTHXBAI 56 Bro n mom sed, "Woah d00d, we needs 10 dayz, then U can GTFO." 57 he sez "WTF? Ceiling Cat may get pissed" 58 they say "letz axe the gurl" 59 They axe n she sez KBAI 60 so they tell her to GTFO long wif her nurse and the guise 61 n they blessed Rebeka n sed:

Laban sez WTF?

"yo sis, moar in teh mani towsandz mai ur babies pwn der enemies"

34 He sez I workz for Abraham 35 and he BFF w/ Ceiling Cat and gots sheepz n moocows n silver n gold n servents n camuels n donkiez n shiny thingz and catnip n cheezburgrs n cookiez n lotsa udder stuff. 36 Sarah hiz wife plooped out a babie whem she waz leik old n stuff and the kid getz the loot. 37 n he tolded me to get the kid a wife not from teh Canaanites where he B at but from hiz DNA. 38 but do wanted wife 4 isaac from hims relativez, daz ok." 39 I axed "whut if she DO NOT WANT come here?" 40 He sez Ceiling Cat be workin on it, it'll work trust me K? srsly, 41 If it don't wurk, just GTFO. KTHXBAI. 42 I wus talkin to Ceiling Cat when I was in ur waterz sayin "pweese make it wurk, 43 n if I axe a gurl for her bucket, 44 n she says U CAN HAS MY

62 So Rebeka n her maidz got on the camuels n GTFO 63 Issac come from Beer Lahai Roi, cause he wus livin in Negev. 64 He goes walkies one night n seez camuels a commin 65 Rebeka sees Issac n gets off camuel 66 n sez "who dat who be a commin 2 meat us?" Servent sez "Bossman, so she covered hersefs with veil." 67 Then he telled the story to Issac 68 n he bringed he into his mom's tent n married her, and did PENIS GOES WHERE? and was comforted after his mother's death.

16

and sez to Ceiling Cat "WTF?" 23 Ceiling Cat sez

Genesis 25 Abraham getz ded

"fertility drugz maeks 2 babez K tho cuze they fraternal n not leik all stuck together so dissambly not required But 1 ouf dem be stronger tehn other Older 1 be workin fo teh younger. KTHXBAI"

A

brabam getz nuther wife 4 PENIS GOES WHERE? name Keturah 2 Seh ploop out Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. 3 Jokshan maek Sheba and Dedan, Dendan maek Asshurites, the Letushites and the Leummites. 4 Midian maek Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and Eldaah. Keturah maek all ov dem. 5 Abraham gived all his cookiez n cheezburgerz to Issac. 6 But when he was leik not ded yet, he sended some cookiez n cheezburgerz east the bois who he maek wif PENIS GOES WHERE wif udder gurlz. 7 Abraham gotted ded when he waz 175 yearz old (must be kitteh yearz). 8 When he was deded, tehy tooked him out for walkies. 9 Isaac and Ishmael putted him inna cave of Machpelah near Mamre 10 taht he bougted from the Hittites (see Genesis_23#2) an wuz putted in wit hiz ded wife Sarah. 11 After Abraham get deded, Ceiling cat gived Isaac Ceheezburgerz n stuff when he was at Beer Lahai Roi.

24 She ploop out 2 boyz 25 1st one come out red n furry tehy named hims Esau (which is funny bibel nam 4 furry). 26 neXt 1 come out holdin onto 1st one foots (he musta comes out backwards) so theys names him Jacob (which is funny bibel nam 4 grabbs heelz or deceiver). Isaac wus 60 when dey ploop out. 27 Teh boyz growed up n Esau wuz leet sklld mo (he finded mouses to eated everywhar n liked to go outside). Jacob wuz scairdy cat stayin inside on teh windowsill. 28 Dad leiked Esau cause he eated lots of mouses, but mom leiked Jacob. 29 Jacob wuz cooking up some red cookiez n Esau came back from looking 4 mouses 30 n sed "Gimmeh sum delicious red cookiez, cauze I no can find mouses and I so humgry I could die." 31 Jacob sez "YOU CAN NOT HAS COOKIEZ, but givh me ur inheritance and YOU CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIEZ n CAKES." 32 Esau sez, "I humgry bad, K" 33 Buy Jacob sez "swear first delicious cookiz later", Esau sez "KTHX". 34 So Esau swear n CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIZ, n go NOM NOM NOM

Ishmael's Sons 12 We be talkin bout Abraham's boi Ishmael taht Hagar who walk leik Egiptian ploop out when she wus workin 4 Sarah. 13 Ishmael maek Nebaioth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, 14 Mishma, Dumah, Massa, 15 Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. In taht order, srsly. 16 tehy was teh 12 tribal rulerz of der settulmentz and campz. 17 Ishmael got ded when he wuz 137 yearz old (kitteh yearz again). When he was all ded tehy tooked him out 4 walkies. 18 All the peepulz he maded lived from Havilah 2 Shur, nearz Egypt and tehy DID NOT leik each udder.

Genesis 26 Isaac and Abimelech

N

ow there wus no foods an mices to eated in the land so Isaac meats Abimelech top cat of the Philistines in Gerar. 2 Ceiling Cat sez to Isaac U can not goes to Egypt, U live wheres I tells U 2 live 3 Stay here an U CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRZ n COOKIEZ n CAKES. Laterz I gives U all these landz 4 U n ur kitteh can has all this landz an CHEEZBURGERZ too 5 cause ur dad Abraham dids whats I tolded him to 6 So Isaac stayed in Gerar. 7 Sum d00dz livin there axed him bout hiz wife Rebeka, n he sed "She mai sister" cause she so buteamus n l00k leik Natalie Portman covered in hot grits

Jacob and Esau 19 Now we talkin bout Isaac K?. 20 Isaac lived in hiz dad Abraham's basement, so he not marry Rebeka Genesis_24#15 till he wus 40 yearz old, srsly. 21 Isaac wuz talkin to Ceiling Cat cause Rebeka HAS A INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, Ceiling cat removed INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM n sed leik "has some fertility drugz" and she eated them. 22 She feeled a party in herz tummy

17

he wuz afraid they eated him and make him teh ded. 8 After a loooong time, Abimelech king of the Philistines saw Isaac PENIS GOES WHERE? Rebekah. 9 Abimelech sez "d00d1!!1!!, WTF? ur sister? ewwwww thats nasty", Isaac say "I say my sister cause i do not want to be teh ded". n Abimelech thought Deja-vu genesis_20#2 10 n Abimelech sez "d00d!1! whut if 1 of my guys did PENIS GOES WHERE on hers, thats leik INVISIBLE ERROR" 11 an he continud "Any my n00bs touch her gets teh ded" 12 Isaac growd lots of fruitzors An vegbatels an cheezburgerz n they was many cause Ceiling Cat leiked him. 13 He gots rich 14 He gots real rich n teh Philistines got pissed 15 so teh Philistines were leik "I'n in ur waterz pluggin up ur holez. 16 So Abimelech sez 2 Isaac, "GTFO ur gots teh powerz" 17 Isaac goed to teh Valley of Gerar. 18 he was leik I'm in mai holez unpluggin mai waterz taht teh Philistines plugged up n got waterz. 19 they even gots waterz from holes tehy maded in teh valley 20 But d00dz from Gerar sed "theys our waterz, U no can has", so he call it Esek 21 nother hole but Gerar sez "U no can has", he calls that 1 Sitnah 22 yet nother hole, but no 1 sez "no can has" so he call it Rehoboth (leik beach but hole) n sed "Ceiling cat sez I CAN HAS waters n landz n we happy" 23 He goes to Beersheba 24 Ceiling Cat sez Yo 'member me? I wus wif ur dad Abraham, don't be scairded, I gives U cheezburgerz n cakes n stuff, n U gets moar kitteh" 25 Isaac builded a cat tree and callded Ceiling Cat n maded a hole for waterz near where he putted hiz tent 26 Abimelech comed from Gerar, wif Ahuzzath hiz adviser n Phicol army type d00d. 27 Isaac sez "WTF U here 4? U tells me to GTFO?" 28 They sez, "d00d, U got Ceiling Cat on ur side, letz be BFF n prove it wif a treaty. 29 I no eated you and you no eated us K? cause U HAS CHEEZBURGERZ" 30 Isaac maded Cheezburgerz n cookies n foods and they eated them 31 tehn dey sweard oath and Isaac sed "GTFO". 32 laterz on same day, Isaac's d00dz dig waterz hole and findz FREE BEERZ!!1!!! They sez "l00k, wees founded the creative commons" 33 so he callz it Shibah, n teh town be Beersheba. 34 An when Esau wuz frty he wuz all "I can has marry" an he marieed Judith doter of Beeri (no drink!) an Basemath deh doter of Elon. 35 An Issac an Rebekah sez, "DO NO WANT!"

Genesis 27

I

saac gotted olded n blinded he sez YO Esau, Easu sez "sup?" 2 Isaac sez "gonna ded soon 3 Gimmeh sum delicious cakez n mouses from outside" 4 soes I CAN HAS sum delicious cakez so U CAN HAS cheezburgerz in B 4 ded" 5 Rebeka wuz leik watchin him speak soes after Esau goez out to the sandwormz, 6 she sez 2 Jacob "I wuz watchin daddy sey to Esau, n he sed 7 'Gimmeh sun delicious cakez n I giveh U cheezburgerz wif Ceiling cat watchin.' 8 so do dis: 9 Gimmeh 2 goatse, n I makes delicious cakez outta dem. 10 n give 2 daddi n say U CAN HAS DELICIOUS CAKEZ so he giveh U cheezburgerz n be in before ban (ded). 11 Jacob sez to mom, "Esau is a furfag n I not are furfag 12 Dad may feels my no furz, then he would cockmongle me." 13 Mom sez "I'll take teh cockmongle 4 U, trust me KTHNXBAI" 14 so he getz 2 goatse an givem to mom n she maek delicious cake. 15 n she crossdress Jacob in Essau clotheses 16 n stapled goatse skinz on Jacob's handz n neck 17 den she gived him delicious cakez n cookiez she maided. 18 Jacob wented to daddie n sez Yo daddie sez WTMeow? WRU? 19 Jacob sed "I R Esau, 1st ploop U CAN HAS MY DELICIOUS CAKEZ n COOKIEZ, CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGER?" 20 Isaac sez "Dung, that wuz fast, where use find it?", Jacob sez "I gots it from Ceiling Cat" 21 Isaac sed "comeh, lemmie touch U so i know if U R furfag Esau" 22 Jacob let daddi touch him n daddi sed "U sound leik Jacob but ur bikini area feels liek Esau. 23 He did not recognize hims cuse bikini areas feelz same n furry, so I can gived U cheezburgerz. 24 "R U rly Esau?" he sed 0 rly 25 "Gimmeh somez delicious cakez n cookiez n i gives U cheezburgerz" Isaac CAN HAS DELICIOUS CAKEZ n COOKIEZ n BEERZ26 den daddi sez "mere, gimmeh kiss" ewwwwwwwww

18

26 Isaac CAN HAS DELICIOUS CAKEZ n COOKIEZ n BEERZ 27 den daddi sez "mere, gimmeh kiss" ewwwwwwwww 28 Jacob does visible kiss with Isaac, when Isaac smellz Jacob he sez:

47 Rebecka sed "I already gotz me 2 hittite slut DIL's DO NOT WANT! If Jacob do PENIS GOES WHERE? wif a hittite, I be an hero"

U smell leik field n poop poop from Ceiling cat

Genesis 28

I

29 "Ceiling cat gonna maek U wet

saac gived Jacob much cheezburgerz n sed "U no do PENIS GOES WHERE? wif Canaanite woman 2 GTFO 2 Paddan Aram where U grandpop livez, n marry 1 uv ur cousinz" 3 Ceiling cat maek shur she no has INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM so she meak a hole town o kidz. 4 Ceiling cat will giv U all cheeszburgerz n landz 2." 5 Isaac sez "GTFO KTHXBAI" 6 Esau wuz sittin in the ceiling n herded this 7 n watched Jacob GTFO 8 n knowed hiz dad DID NOT WANT Canaanites 9 so he married 1 for the lulz (he just puted her in hiz harem wit da Hittites)

and he be poopin on ur land so u gets good foodz n beerz 30 landz will serve U peoplz will bend ovar 4 U U can beat up ur brotherz Ur momz kidz will bend ovar 2 dems who curse u will bw beaten dems who giveh cheezburger will get cheezburger (NO U) 31 as Jacob wus leavin, Esau wuz cummin. 32 n sed here be some delicious cake maid from mouse, U CAN HAS MY MOUSES" 33 Isaac sez; "WTMeow? WRU? we did this B4", Esau sez "I B ME" 34 Isaac sed "WTMeow? I yust gave cheezburgerz to the last bastard who wuz here, ur AFU" 35 Esau sed "WTMeow!!1!!1!!! gimmeh cheezburgerz too OMFG, BOHICA" 36 Isaac sez "sry d00d, ur SOL" 37 Esau sed "yo, U named him Jacob (Bibul speak 4 he decieves) He bited me 2 timez, he tooked mai Inhertance n now he eated my cheezburger, you do no has cheezburger 4 me?" 38 Isaac sez, "sorry, ur SOL" 39 Esau goes "WTMeow? CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGER?" n doos tearz. 40 Isaac sez;

Jacob HAS A Dream at Bethel 10 Jacob GTFO Beersheba n goed to Haran 11 he stopped whun it got darkiez n sleeped on a rock 12 he had-ed a dream; he saw teh stairway to heaven n there wuz lotz of kitteh on it 13 n up top lookin out from a hole in teh ceiling wuz Ceiling Cat he sez "I R Ceiling Cat, Watchin U Dreamz. U CAN HAS the land wheres U be sleepin" 14 Ur DNA gonna be leik radioactive fallout, Ur gonna be everywhar, n U all CAN HAS CHEEZBURGERZ" 15 I R Ceiling Cat, Watchin U wander n I maek sure U dont get losted." 16 When he waked up he all like "OMG!1!! Ceiling cat be here! 17 This place be stairway to heaven, where Zeppelin be at?" 18 neXt mornin he putted oilz on the rock he wuz sleepin on 19 he callded that place Bethel (but it wuz already calleded Luz IN B4 the Bethel; EPIC FAIL!!). 20 then he sez "If Ceiling cat giveh me cheezburgez then 21 n getz me back home, I'll belive in hims. 22 n I'll maek a cat box on this rock n U can has 0.1 cash back.

ur house has no cheezburgerz n no beerz 41 ur gonna be ready 4 brawl but ur be protectin ur brudder but when /b is boring U beat hiz butt offs ur face"

Jacob Flees to Laban

Genesis 29

42 Esau wuz pissed, he sez "Imma go columbine on Jacob ASAP" 43 when mom herd this she tolded Jacob "Esau wantz to pwn U 44 so GTFO to Laban in Haran 45 hang out 4 awhile 46 I'll tells U when itz cool

Jacob Arrives in Paddan Aram

19

J

from daddy 30 Jacob does PENIS GOES WHERE to Rachel n he even loved this 1, n he worked nother 7 years.

acob wuz walkin easty 2 n he sawded a waterz hole wif 3 bunchez of sheepz nearz it. wuz a big rock onna hole. 3 teh peepuls do move rock so sheepz CAN HAS waterz n tehn puts rock back. 4 Jacob sez "whar U B from?"

Jacob's Kidz 31 When Ceiling cat seed Leah NOT CAN HAS love, he remove invisible diaphram n put in Rachel. 32 Leah getted preggerz n ploop out boy Ruben n sed "Ceiling cat see me sad, now Jacob luv me 2" (boy later go on to maek samwichz, rly, srsly) 33 She ploop out another calld Simeon n sez "Ceiling cat be in my ceiling, helpin me get luv" 34 She ploop out nother 1 called Levi n sed "now heeze gonna rly luv me, I ploop out 3" 35 She ploop out yet another called Judah n sed "TNX Ceiling cat no moar plz hurtz, KTHNX"

tehy sez "Haran" 5 He sez "U no Laban, Nahor's grandson" tehy sez "Yup" 6 He sez "He K?" tehy sez "yup, checkit, hiz daughter Rachel commin wif sheepz" 7 He sez "sheeps CAN HAS waterz" 8 tehy sez "sheepz NO CAN HAS waters, need moar sheepz" 9 Rachel shows up wif sheepz 10 Jacob mooved rock off hole n Rachel's sheepz CAN HAS waterz. 11 tehn he kissy her n cry 12 He tolded her he wuz her cousin, so she run n tell daddy. 13 When daddy (Laban) herd whut happen, he run out n kissy him n bringz him home 14 tehn Laban say "UR my 1st cousin!"

Genesis 30

R

achel has INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM n sez Jacob "Gimmeh babies or I go ded". 2 Jacob sez "I no can see INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, WTF?" 3 She sez "do PENIS GOES WHERE on Bilhah, my GF K?" 4 Jacob sez "YES!1!! and did PENIS GOES WHERE in Bilhah" 5 Bilhah ploop out kid. 6 Rachel sez "TNX Ceiling cat" n name kid Dan 7 Bilah ploop out another 8 Rachel sez "I WIN", n call hims Naphtali, but Jacob just be smilin 9 when Leah got INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, she gived her GF Zilpah to Jacob" 10 Jacob say "OH YEA!!1! n do PENIS GOES WHERE? n Zilpah ploop out boy" 11 Leah name him Gad. 12 Jacob find viagra n do PENIS GOES WHERE again on Zilpah n she ploop out another. 13 Leah CAN HAS happy n call kid Asher. 14 When Reuben wuz harvestin wheat he find cookiez, He gived teh delicious cookiez to hiz mom Leah, Rachel sez "CAN I HAS delicious cookiez?" 15 Leah sez "YOU CAN NO HAS my cookiez as I can no do PENIS GOES WHERE? with Jacob"

Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel (bonus) 15 Laban sez "I wants to pays U2 workz, how much U want?" 16 now Laban haz 2 daughterz, old 1 Leah, n young 1 Rachel. 17 Leah eyez point different directionz but Rachel pretty n she stacked 18 Jacob sez "I wurk 7 yearz then I CAN HAS Rachel?, cause I got teh loves 4 her" 19 Laban sez "K, hang out here srsly". 20 So Jacob hung out 7 yearz 4 Rachel. 21 Jacob sez "K, GIMMEH Rachel I wanna do PENIS GOES WHERE on hers" 22 So Laban has feast with sheepz, n moocowz n cookiez n stuff 23 when it get dark he bring out Leah to Jacob n he did PENIS GOES WHERE? on her" 24 n Laban gave servant gurl Zilpah to her as maidservent 25 When it gets light in teh morning, Leah!1!!1!! Jacob sez to Laban "WTF? where B Rachel" 26 Laban sez "U CAN HAS old 1 first, 27 then after U do PENIS GOES WHERE with her for a week, tehn U CAN HAS udder 1, gonna cost nuther 7 yearz tho. 28 Jacob did PENIS GOES WHERE wif Leah 4 a week, tehn he got Rachel 29 Rachel got Bilhah, servent girl

Rachel sez "U can do PENIS GOES WHERE if I can has delicious cookiez" 16 Jacob cums home, n Leah sez "I DO WANT PENIS GOES WHERE?, I paid 4U with delicious cookiez". Jacob did PENIS

20

GOES WHERE? 17 Ceiling cat wuz watchin from hiz hole n removed INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, so Leah gots teh preggerz. 18 Leah sez "Ceiling cat iz happy when I gives Jacob my GF Zilpah" so when she ploop out boy, she names him Issachar. 19 Leah ploop out another 20 Leah sez "Ceiling cat gived me nother kid, Jacob gonna leik me now, I names kid Zebulun" 21 Later she ploop out gurl called Dinah 22 Ceiling cat take out Rachel's INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM 23 She ploop out boy n say "TNX Ceiling cat" 24 She calls him Joseph n sez "I can has another?"

Genesis 31 Jacob leaves Laban

S

o den Jacob herd Labans' boyz sayin "D00d, you R teh suk, rippin off all hiz cheeseburgers an stuf. Lame." 2 An Jacob lookeded at Laban an saw he wuz sum pissed. 3 so den Ceiling Cat sez "D00d, run away run away! Git bak wif yer fambly an I meechu there soon, kbai." 4 Jacob called hiz wimmin, sayin "YO!! 5 Yer dad leik totally iz hatin on me, srsly! Ceiling Cat lurves me, but yer dad is awl Rawr Rawr Rawr. 6 I wuz rly kewl witchor dad, tho, membr? 7 but now he is teh suk! Hrdcor! Totally ripped me off! Tuk my bling! 8 Laban wood say, 'Ohes, U can has all teh spottsy moos', knowin all moos was stripey, or 'Noes, u can has all teh stripey moos', and all the moos wuz spottsy. Taht's WEAK. 9 So den Ceiling Cat tookeded AWL his moos and gives em 2 me. 10 But teh bestestet part is taht wen the moos did PENIS GOES WHERE?!, all dem moos wuz spottsy and stripey. I mean, I dreameded taht part, but it's joost leik it's troo." 11 "an den dis 1 time, I wuz dreamin taht teh Ceiling Cat yelled at me, sayin "D00d!" an I wuz all leik "WUT??" 12 an teh Ceiling Cat says 'D00d, check it! awl dem moos is spottsy and stripey, caws I haz totally seen wut taht hatr did 2 u. 13 so now uz gotz to make liek a tree an leave.' 14 an Jacobs' wimmin (Rachel an Leah, member? KK, jus chekin) wuz liek, 'D00d, wut aboot us? Were's our bling? 15 Our dad srsly disowned us, episode of Jerry Springer, an spended awl teh lewt 16 So evertin Ceiling Cat tookeded is totally ours now, findrs keeprs, no gives backs."

Jacob maeks moar blinkey sheepz 25 After Rachep ploop out Jeseph, Jacob sez "I wanna go home" to Laban. 26 I CAN HAS wifes n kids so I can GTFO. 27 Laban sez "pls stay, Ceiling cat leik U. 28 I pay you not 2 GTFO". 29 Jacob sez "I wurked hard", 30 I maded you moar animulez n Ceiling cat gived U cheezburgerz, now it's my turn. 31 "Whut U want?" he ask. "DO NOT WANT. but if U do this, I keep bein on ur land, watchin ur sheepz32 "Lemme takes all polkadotted n dark sheepz n goatze 4 mai monies.33 If U evar see a white sheepz or goatz from me, means I stoled it from U" 32 "DO NOT WANT. but if U do this, I keep bein on ur land, watchin ur sheepz 33 "Lemme takes all polkadotted n dark sheepz n goatze 4 mai monies. 34 If U evar see a white sheepz or goatz from me, means I stoled it from U" 35 "K sez Laban" 36 So Jacob CAN HAS all polkadotted n dark sheepz n goatz n giveh thems to hiz sons. 37 Then he go 3 dayz away n still watch Laban's sheepz" 38 He maek stripey wood by peelin barks off branchez, 39 He putted stripey wood ovar waterz so when sheepz see stripeys when they do 40 PENIS GOES WHERE? n all teh babeis came out stripey. 41 he tooked all the stripeyz. 42 He did this 4 teh strong animules 43 n not 4 the weak animulez, so Jacob CAN HAS all the stong 1s 44 Jacob got teh rich n CAN HAS large flockz n servents n sheeps n donkies n camulels.

Flight of the Jacob 17 So den Jacob gets hiz fambly on camels 18 an takes awl teh lewt 19 an Rachel had nicked her dads lewt too, jus caws. 20 an Jacob took off liek a ninja 21 wit awl hiz stufs goin to Gilead. 22 it wuz liek 3 daiz b4 Laban wuz told 23 an wen he fund out, he an hiz posse cot up wit Jacob. 24 But taht nite Ceiling Cat sez to Laban, 'D00d, DO NOT WANT u 2 talk 2 Jacob. Not nothin. 25 An Laban wen an parked his Winnebago rite besidez Jacobs', takin awl teh good shade an everytin. 26 Laban sez 2 Jacob, "Yo! WTF? 27 Y u run, Dawg? We coulda hadda pawty!

21

J

28 U wont let me see mi kidz! 29 I cood totally lai teh smackdown on U, srsly - but ur Ceiling Cat sez to me, D00d, stay way frm Jacob, no talkie talkie. 30 AN!! u stole awl my l00t! So, liek I sez - WTF?" 31 Jacob sed, "Oh I wuz SOOOOOO scared! 32 but u look, an if u find ur lewt, go hed an kill taht stealer." 33 So Laban wen an totally serched everwere, in Jacob's tent an Leah's tent an teh servant's tent. 34 but Rachel wuz 1 sneaky dame, an hid teh lewt an sat on it. 35 an wen Laban showed up, she wuz all, "D00d, iz Taht Time of Teh Month, piss off." 36 an then Jacob got mad, sayin "C?? WTF is ur problm? y u chase me? U R L4mz0r! 37 U rifled thru awl my stufs, an foun nada! 38 I bin wif u fer 20 yeers! 39 I nver ripped u off! 40 I wuz sufferin teh hole time! Nver complain! Give give give, taht's all I do! 41 I servd 14 yeers fer teh grrls, an then 6 yeers fer teh moos - an u fuxxed wit my paychek 10 times! 42 An TAHT iz y Ceiling Cat dun gotz hiz nite vision goggles on u!"

acob GTFO an kitteh meat hims. 2 When Jacob sawed thems he sez "I found Ceiling Cats litterboz!1!!", so he calleded that where he was at Mahanaim (n he no can has steamroller). 3 Jacob sended sum buds ahead to meat hiz brudder Essau in Seir country of Edom. 4 he sez "Tell him I wuz wit Laban, 5 n I gots donkies n moocows n sheepz n goatz n serventz n cookiez n stuff. I tellin U this so U leik me." 6 when hiz budz come back they sez "Yo, Hees a commin wit leik 400 d00ds" 7 Jacob wet hiz pantz n split hiz peoplez n stuff into 2 groups (even teh animules n stuffs). 8 He thinkz "If Essau n hiz GI Joes eated 1 group, the udder may not be eated". 9 Tehn Jacob prayed "O Ceiling Cat dadda 'O Abraham n Isaac, O Ceiling Cat you tolded me to GTFO to my relatives n I will maek U rich n lotsa PENIS GOES WHERE?. 10 TNX, but I don't deserve it, I just has a few d00ds when I leaved, but now I has 2 groups. 11 Pweese don't let Essau eated me an teh wimmens n childrenz. 12 Cause U sed 'I be makin U rich n lotsa kidlets'" 13 He sleeped there, maded a gift for hiz brudder Essau: 14 200 gurl goatz w/ 20 boy goatz, 200 gurl sheepz w/ 20 boy sheepz 15 30 gurl camules w/ babiez, 40 gurl moocows w/ 10 boy moos, 20 grul donkiez n 10 boi donkiez. 16 He gived the to hiz d00ds n sed "U go ferst, n spreadem out. 17 He tolded the 1st d00d, "Whun U sees Essau n he sez WTF?, 18 U say Jacob giveh U dis, he be in teh back" 19 He tolded all the udder d00ds to sey the same thing. 20 and tolded them to sey "Jacob be commin behind us", he wuz hopin Essau would not run out of happy and eated him. 21 So teh gifts went away n Jacob stayed home.

The covenant between Jacob and Laban 43 An den Laban backs down, not near so tuff az he thot he wuz. 44 An Laban sez to Jacob, "Otay, lets make nice." 45 Jacob gotz a stone an putz it jus so. 46 an den he sez, "ever bodi getz stonez!" (jus liek taht Bob Dylan song, cept Bob wasn' singin then.) an they putted all teh stonez togethr. 47 Laban calld it Jegarsahadutha (pth pth, liek hevin cat hare in ur mouf), but Jacob cuden say taht wurd, so he calld it Galeed. 48 An Laban sed 'Theese stonez is a witniss between uz,' (so knot jus heep uv stonez, hoo new?) 49 Taht Ceiling Cat wuz watchin ovr us 50 but if U treet my dotters bad, LOOK OUT! an no moar wives.' An Jacob wuz liek, 'one iz bad, two iz wurse, DO NOT WANT moar.' 51 Laban sez "C theese rox? 52 U stai on ur side an I stai on my side, KK?' 53 so Jacob swore (not notty wurds, but liek promis) he wood stai on hiz side. 54 An Jacob gotz gud grub and ever body go Nom Nom Nom 55 In teh mornin, Laban kissie hiz dotters bye bye an wen bak were he come from. Gud riddans.

Jacob Wrestles With Ceiling Cat 22 when it gots darks, he tookd hiz 2 wifes n 2 maidserventz n 11 boyz n crossed ovar the ford o Jabbok (girl wuz on her own). 23 After theys was ovar, he sended all his base n stuff 24 So he wus alone n fighted wif a cat, 25 when the cat saw he could not win he eated Jacob's hip. 26 the teh Cat sed "Lemme go, it be light" But Jacob sed "Nana, gimmeh cheezburgerz"

Genesis 32

27 Then teh Cat sez "WRU?"

Jacob getz readies to meat Esau

"Jacob he sez"

22

28 the Cat sez "U no longer Jacob but I names U Israel cause U wins in fights wif Ceiling Cat and peeplez n ovarcome. 29 Jacob sez "WRU?"

dey diez! 13 U go 1st n I'll catch up 2 u in Seir, k?" 14 Esau sez "U can has menz dat r wif me" but he said (guess it wuz Jacob sayin dis) "O noez!!11!1one!1! u r 2 nicens" 15 So Esau goez back to his base in Seir 16 But Jacob iz a lier lolz cuz he goez to Succoth n buildz crib 4 him n his cattlez n cattlez have stalls n dat why dey callz it Succoth cuz that means "booths" n Hebrewz jive lolz 17 Den Jacob gets to da burg Shechem in da land o' Canaan -- he gots here from Paddan-aram -n he is campin dere. 18 He can has land he campen on cuz he boughteded it from Hamor's kittehs, Hamor is Shechem's kittydaddy, for 100 kesitahs (n nobody knowz what a kesitah is no mo so we don no if he gotz good price r not lolz) 19 He setz up altar dere n callz it EL-elohe-yisrael dat mean "Ceiling Cat uf Israel."

Cat sez "STFU." n gived him cheezburgerz 30 So Jacob calleded the palce Peniel cause he sed "I saw Ceiling Cat but he did not eated me". 31 he wus gimpin whun he Peniel 'cause hiz hip was eated. 32 That's why Israelites no can eated teh tendon stuck to teh socket o teh hip, cause Ceiling Cat eated Jacob's hip nearz the tendon.

Genesis 33

L

ooken up Jacob seen Esau cumin, wif four hunnud menz. He splizs up his kittehz tween Leah, Rachel n teh maidz, 2 putten da maidz n dere kittehs fust cuz dey meanz leezt 2 him; Leah n her kittehz nexzt cuz she be a legal wif but he don luv herz, n Rachel n Joseph last cuz he really likes doin PENIS GOES WHERE? with her and when he seez Joseph he z dat. 3 Jacob goez ahead and bendz down to the ground 7x tho u shld bend ur nees when u pick up stuff else ur back goez out, but dey din no dat den, lolz! till he wuz neer his brudder. 4 Esau runz to greetz Jacob. He hugzes himz and kissez him and dey criez BOO HOO HOO like dey like each other or sumpthin. 5 Da maidz n dere kittehs come up and smelled Esau's butt, 6 n den Leah n her kittehs cum up and smelled Esau's butt, and den Rachel n Joseph cum up and smell Esau's butt. 7 N he (Esau I guess) sez "What j00 mean by paradin ur mamacats n kittehs by me?" He (Jacob?) sez "To smell ur butt lolz!" 8 Esau dez "WhatEVER I have nuff mamacatz n kittehs n bling n cheezburgerz, don need urs." 9 But Jacob is such a brown-noser he sez "PLEEZ if u do me dis favur n take it cuz lookin at ur face is like lookin at Ceiling Cat cuz you both hairy n red lolz, n u didn eated uz.= 10 Take my pressie, cuz I broughtz it 2 u all dis way on a camel, n Ceiling Cat likez me n I have lotz of cheezburgerz." N when he urged him, he tooks it. 11 N [Esau] sez "k lets go nao, I'll go wit u" 12 But he said 2 him "liar u no the kittehs are weak n da sheeples n goatse r nursin babeez, can no force dem 2 go fast or

Genesis 34

K

so Dinah wuz kitty-girl Leah plooped out 4 Jacob, n she has go to hang wit chix of da land. 2 Shechem kitteh-boy uf Hamor the Hivite, who run da place, he seez her n taked her n did PENIS GO WHERE? wit her n it wuz like date rape maybe. 3 N cuz he thinx shez all hawt n stuff n even thinx he luvs her he sweet-talked her. 4 So Shechem sez 2 his daddy-cat, "Yo, I wantz 2 marrie her NAO!" 5 N Jacob hears that dis goyim cat did PENIS GO WHERE wit Dinah; but keeps his mouf shut till his boy-cats cum home. 6 Then Shechem's daddy Hamor cum 2 Jacob to rap wit him. 7 Jacob's boy-kittehs hearded whassup n cum in frum field all o.O n >:O n OMG WTF!!!11!111one!!!111eleventyteen!!!! cuz dis goyim did PENIS GO WHERE wit Dinah, n dat gainst da Izralee's roolz. 8 N Hamor sez 2 dem he sez "Mah boy-kitteh Shechem wanna PENIS GO WHERE? with ur girl-cat plz let him marrie her so I don' have to hear him chokin' his chicken ya no? 9 N u can marriez our girl-kittehz n gifz ur girl-kittehs 2 us: 10 U can has cribz in our hoodz, n land 2; u can ownz stuffs here. 11 N Shechem sez to Dinahz daddy-kitteh n bruthaz, "Help a guy out, i pay nething u sez. 12 Srsly, asks me 4 all mah cheezburgerz n bling n stuff, n i will gif u it cuz I wanna PENIS GO WHERE? to her she's that good n da sack. Jus let me marrie her k? 13 Jacob's

23

boy-kittehs r such liers cuz Shechem raped deir sisty-kitty, 14 so dey lie n say "Well u needz 2 cuts off da end uf ur peepee cuz we don let our kitteh-girls marries men who don't whack off der foreskinz that's like EW GROSS! 15 But if n u do cut off ur 4skin we'll say k u one uf us see but all of ur d00dz too not just u 16 Den we gif our girl-kittehs 2 u n take ur girl-kittehs from u like dey property k n we cum liv in ur hood n we all be bloods ya. 17 But if n u 2 chicken 2 cut off ur 4skin den we go kthxbai n leavez n take Dinah wit us cuz u b 2 lamer n 2 n00b 2 marrie her. 18 K so Hamor was all "Yeah!" and Hamor's son, Shechem, was all "Yeah!" 19 So the kitteh-boy whips out a sharp rock or sumthin n whacks off his 4skin right there YEOWTCH cuz he wanted Jacob's kitteh-girl she musta been sum kinda Superfreak or sumthin lolz! 20 N Hamor n Shechem went to the sports bar n rapped wit der homies, n sayz 21 "D00dz those peepz be our frenz so let 'em cum in don't build no fenz don't snitch 2 la migra nuff romm here 4 evvybody n u can marry dere kitty-girlies n give ur kittygirlies 2 dem. 22 "But yeah derez catch: u haf 2 cut off ur 4skin cuz dey weird liek dat. 23 "But dey gotz bling n cheezburgerz n all dat can be ours but only if we cut off our 4skins will dey cum lif in our hood, k, so drink up cuz it's gonna HURT lolz!" 24 So all dems did whut Hamor n Shechem sez, n all go cut dere 4skins off OUTCH! 25 K so 3 daze later dey still hurtin bad n Simeon n Levi, 2 uf Jacob's boy-kittehs, bruthas uf Dinah, sharpenz der claws n goes to da hood n pwns all da men. 26 N dey pwnz Hamor n his kitteh-boy Shechem, took Dinah out uf Shechem's crib n went kthxbai. 27 Jacob's other kitteh-boiz cum on all da pwned peepz n takes stuff cuz dey pissed that Shechem did PENIS GO WHERE? wit Dinah but did anyone ask Dinah what she thought? NOOOOOO! 28 Dey taked goatse n sheeples n moocowz n asses (thought dey pwned all da d00dz HA HA HA no, dey meanz DONKEEEZ!) n all dat stuff in da hood n outside, 29 n dey taked all de bling n all the kittehs n all da mamacatz n furnitcher n stuff, EVERYTHING, GET IT???! jeez U dumb k where wuz I everytink n evvybuddy was tookened as prisonush n booty. 30 Jacob sez 2 Simeon n Levi "Now U dun it we in trubble nao n the Canaanites n da Perizzites be hatin on us n I don have lotsa d00dz, n if dey declare war on uz we will be pwned, all of

uz! 31 But the boy kittehs said "Should r sisty-kitty be treated liek a ho?"

Genesis 35

C

eiling Cat sez 2 Jacob "Get up n get up, goez 2 Bethel and stay! Staaaay! n buildz cathouse 2 da Ceiling Cat whut u seened when u wuz runnin skairt frum ur brudder Esau." 2 So Jacob sez 2 his fambly n all his peeps, "Get rid o dem alien kittehs n take a baf, n change ur threadz. 3 "We'z goin 2 Bethel n I will build cathouse dere to da Ceiling Cat whut answered me when I wuz skairt n stalks me wherever I goez." 4 Jacobz fambly n peeps gives up all dem fake kittehz like Morris n Tony da Tiger n Garfield n all da earringz n Jacob digz big hoel near Shechem n buriez it like kitteh buryen p00p in sandbox. 5 As dey went Ceiling Cat hissed and yowled and waved his big scary claws at da peeps all round so dey didn't chase Jacob's boy-kittehs. 6 N Jacob went 2 Luz, not lulz, but Bethel, in da sandbox uf Canaan, he n all da peeps wit him. 7 He buildeded a cathouse n named da place El-Bethel, cuz it wuz dere Ceiling Cat revealed Himself to him when he run skairt frum his brudder. 8 Deborah, Rebekah's nurse-kitteh, got pwned by bein old, n dey burreed her under an oak beeloo Bethel; so it wuz named Allon-bacuth dat means 'oak of da weeping." 9 Ceiling Cat say Oh Hai to Jacob again when he gotz dere from Paddan-aram n says U CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER. 10 Celing Cat sez 2 him, 11 n Ceiling Cat sez to him 12 Bigshots shall cum out of ur DNA 13 Da sandbox I gif 2 Abraham n Isaac 14 Ceiling Cat left him dere 15 n Jacob setz up pillar dere, a pillar uf rock n he offered Ceiling Cat cream n poured oil on it. 16 Jacob gave dis site where Ceiling Cat spokened 2 him da name Bethel. 17 K so dey leaves Bethel: but Rachel was preggerz n when dey were still way from Ephrath, she started ploopin out kitteh, n OMG IT HURT!!11!11! 18 N when it hurtz wurst midwife sez "O hai anudder boy kitteh 4 u don be skairt!" 19 But the labor pwned her, n when she had deth rattle she called da baby boy kitteh Ben-oni, but her Jacob called him Benjamin. 20 Den she wuz pwned. She gotz burrieed on da road 2 Ephrath whut dey now callz Bethlehem. 21 Over her grave Jacob puts nuther stone pillar n itz still dere. 22

24

Israel leevz her dere n goez on 2 Migdal-eder. 23 N while Israel's dere boy-kitteh Reuben goez and does PENIS GO WHERE? with Bilhah, Izzy's girlfriend on da side, n Izzy found out. 24 Da sons uf Leah: Reuben -- Jacob's first kitteh -- Simon, Levi, Judah, Issachar n Zebulun. 25 Da sonz uf Rachel: Joseph n Benjamin. 26 Da sonz uf Bilhah, Rachel's maid: Dan n Naphtali. 27 And da sonz uf Zilpah, Leah's mad: Gad n Asher. K don' 4get dese r Jacob's sons born in Paddam-aram. 28 N Jacob came 2 his daddy Isaac at Mamre, at Kiriath-arba -- now Hebron -- where Abraham n Isaac had a crib. 29 Isaac wuz like 180 30 when he got pwned. He wuz burreed by his sons Esau n Jacob.

fixded bak den: 27 Anah had kittehz 2. Surprize lol: 28 Dishon had kittehz. I tole yu can skip this alreddy: 29 Ezer's kittehz: 30 Dishan's litter: 31 Deez r Horite bosscatz: 32 Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah, 33 Dishon, Ezer n Dishan. Liek i jus sayed, those wer bosscatz.

Teh Bossez of Edom 34 K were doin moer bossez now. Deez wuz all bossez in Edom befoer any Israelite boss evn: 35 Bela wuz boss of Edom an hiz dad wuz Beor. His place wuz calld Dinhabah. 36 Bela got ded, so then Jobab wuz boss. 37 Jobab dieded 2, then Husham wuz boss. 38 Husham got ded 2, so Hadad, who srsly pwned Midian in teh face, got to be boss. Hiz city naym Avith. 39 An Hadad got ded, so den Samlah iz boss. 40 Then Samlah got ded, Shaul wuz next boss. 41 An Shaul dieded 2, so Baal-Hanan wuz next. 42 Baal-Hanan dieded, an Hadad wuz boss. Hiz city naym Pau, an hiz wife wuz Mehetabel. 43 These bossez from Esau's litter, organyzd an stuff: 44 Timna, Alvah, Jetheth, 45 Oholibamah, Elah, Pinon, 46 Kenaz, Teman, Mibzar, 47 Magdiel and Iram. Them iz bossez of Edom, wut with ware they livded an stuff.

Genesis 36 Esau's Kittehz

T

his iz bout Esau's kittehz, and gitz srsly borin if u wun skip it lol!!!1 2 Essau got wit Canaan catsez in heat: Elon teh Hittite's dotter Adah, an Oholibamah (reel name!) Anah's kitteh and so on- 3 n also Basemath kitteh of Ishmael and littermayt of Nebaioth. 4 (Did i tel u can skip this lol?) Adah dun whelpz Eliphaz 2 Esau, Basemath whelpz Reuel, 5 and Oholibamah (lol!) whelpz Jeush, Jalam n Korah. Deez wer tomcat litter of Esau, what wuz born in Canaan. 6 Esau gotz all hiz girl catz and kittehs, an all teh aminals an shinies an stuff from Canaan, and roamded. 7 But they had 2 many toyz. 8 So Esau roamded moer and goez to Seir. 9 K an this iz abowt Esau, liek i alredy sayed. 10 This wut Esau calld his sonz, but iz not gon be on test or nething: 11 Eliphaz wuznt neutered 2: 12 Eliphaz had girl on side named Timna, she dun whelpt Amalek. Is grandsunz of Adah in case yu wernt followin. 13 Reuel wuznt fikksed 2: 14 Oholibamah's litter wit Esau: 15 An dese ar bosscatz what camed owt Essau's litter: 16 Bosscatz Teman, Omar, Zepho, Kenaz, 17 Korah, Gatam an Amalek. Bosscatz. Adah wuz there granma. 18 Bak 2 Reuel agin: 19 An mor from Oholibamah: 20 Those wuz Esau's litter. 21 Seir teh Horite wuznt fikksed either. Srsly, WTF??!!1!: 22 Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah, 23 Dishon, Ezer an Dishan. Theez bosscatz. 24 Lotan had kittehz: 25 Shobal had kittehz 2: 26 Zibeon 2. No 1 wuz getin

Genesis 37 Joseph maik pikchurz in hed wile sleepz

A

n Jacob livd in place calld Canaan wher no1 noo hiz famlyz An no1 carez if he wuz n00b. 2 This iz story ov Jacob. Iz rly story of joseph but teh 1th ppl who rited teh bibel rited it down rong. mus b cuz ov teh funny alfabetz. Joseph wuz 17 yrz old kidz An 1 dai he An his bros wuz givin cookies 2 teh sheeplz. An Joseph wuz brown nose An told hiz old man all teh wikkid stuffs dey did like raedin wikkidpedia An masturbatin An smokin weedz An stealin pplz stufz An stuf. 3 Now Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob liekd Joseph mor than all his othr kidz, cuz he wuz old man wehn joseph wuz bornd so he wuz like grandson wich iz mor fun: An he made him sum badass pimp cloths an some totally 1337 kickz An wud of gaev him a totally trickd out gangsta ride but carz wuznt nventd

25

yet. 4 An when his bros saw taht Jacob liekd Joseph mor than ne ov dem, dey hatez him An getz all pissed off An stuf An getz all up in hiz face An sed rly r00d mean ingorent thingz 2 him. 5 An Joseph cud haz wierd drem, An he told his bros wich wuz rly stoopid n00b thing 2 do but he didz it newai: An they hatez him alot mor An getz even mor pissed off An stuf.. 6 An he sed 2 them lissen up d00dz, I can haz wierd drem liek htis: 7 we wuz in ur field harvestin ur weetz cuz it wuz farmrz dai off (cuz dey maded untied farmwrkrz union dammit), An all ur weetz wuz blong 2 my weetz. 8 An his bros sed 2 him, wtf u ben smokin? u think u b king or sumthin? u thinkz u iz bosscat of us? An they hatez him evn mor cuz ov his drems An wot he sed 2 dem. 9 An he cud haz nothr wierd drem An told his bros yo d00dz, I haz a nothr wierd drem, An chek dis out, teh sun An teh moon An teh eleven stars r blong 2 me. 10 An he told it 2 his old man, An 2 his bros: An his old man got all up in his face An sez wot u ben smokin An y u haz wierd dremz? iz me An ur momcat An all ur bros r blong 2 u? 11 An his bros wuz rly jelus of him; but his old man rmembrd wot he sed.

way out in teh booniez, An dont hurtz him. cuz Reubn kind of liekd joseph An wuz sort of brown nose 2 An thot he mite taekz him bak 2 his old man wen no1 wuz lookin but he didnt tellz tehm taht.. 23 An so when Joseph finded his bros, dey took awai hiz totally badass cloths, An his totally 1337 kickz 2. but dey cudnt taek hiz pimp ridez cuz carz wuznt inventd yet. 24 An they trhowd him in2 a pit An tehr wuznt eny waterz in it. no cheezburgrz or cookies either. 25 An it wuz tiem 4 lunch so dey sitz down An eatz cheezburgrz An cookies: An they saw a crew ov Ishmeelites form Gilead goin 2 egypt with lotz ov camels An all kindz ov rly gud herbz An weedz An othr rly gud stufz taht wuz liek catnipz 4 ppl An wuznt illegalz yet cuz Ceiling Cat didnt mek ne lawz yet but taht wuz ok cuz he wuz gonna maek alot of lawz l8r in exodus An leviticus An numb3rs An d00teromony. 26 An Judah sed i can has good idea: we no pwnz him, we can sellz him and has a money. 27 we dosent has to pwnz him if we can sellz him. An his bros sed k. 28 Then dey met sum Midianitez; An they takez Joseph out ov teh pit, An sellz him 2 tehm 4 20 moneyz: An dey takez Joseph 2 Egypt. 29 An l8r Reuben cam bak 2 teh pit; An seez taht Joseph wuz gon; An he tore up his cloths cuz dats wot peepz did wen dey wuz liek all sad An emo An stufz bak in teh dai. 30 An he sez 2 his bros, josepf iz gon, wtf r we gonna do now? 31 An they took Josephs totally badass cloths, An killz 1 ov teh goats An puts teh blood all ovr teh badass pimp cloths An letz teh othr goatz eatz teh totally 1337 kickz; 32 An they brought teh cloths 2 ther old man An sed, we founded htese totaly badass cloths. r htey joseph cloths or not.. 33 An he knew it, An sed, iz my sons cloths; sum evil aminal eated him liek he wuz cookie; Joseph is 4 shur torn up in litel peeces. srsly. 34 An Jacob tor up his cloths, An put on sackcloth taht wuz rly scratchy, An wuz all sad An emo 4 raely long tiem. 35 An all his wiefs An kidz trys 2 maekz him feelz mor betr but wuz no workin An he sed i iz gonna b all sad An emo til i diez. so he kept on bein all sad An emo An stufz. 36 An in egypt teh Midianites sold joseph 2 sum d00d naimd Potiphar, who wuz Pharaohs captain ov teh guard wich iz sorta liek teh cheef of poleesez.

Joseph'z bros sel him 12 An his bros went 2 Shechem 2 getz mor cookiez 4 teh sheepz. 13 An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob sed 2 Joseph, did ur bros gon 2 Shechem 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheepz? i wantz u 2 goez An mek shur deyz alrite. An he sed k. 14 An he sed 2 him, Go find out if ur bros An teh sheeplz iz alrite; An com bax An tellz me. So he sed k, gon 2 shechem, brb. 15 An he gotz losted (fuxxing mapquest!!!!1!!) An sum d00d finded him An axt him, wut u lookin 4? 16 An he sed i iz lookin 4 my bros who iz gon 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheeplz. 17 An teh d00d sed, dey r gon An dey sed letz goez 2 Dothan cuz dey has betr cookies tehre. An Joseph sed kthxbai An finded his bros in Dothan. 18 An wen dey seez him An he wuz stil on teh roadz long wais awai lookin 4 dem, they deciedd 2 pwnz him. 19 An they sed look d00dz, teh kid wot can haz teh wierd dremz iz comin. 20 so letz us pwnz him, An trhow him in2 sum pit, An we will say sum evil aminal like crocodiel or lion or lolrus eated him: An 2 hell with hiz drems lol. 21 An Reuben hurdz dem, An he sed dont pwnz him cuz u will loses pointz. 22 so dont pwnz him, jus trhow him into sum pit

Genesis 38

26

Judah an Tamar go 2 whitecastle

evribody will be liek LOL. I tried and sended her teh goat but you couldn't finded her." 25 Three months aftr that some d00d told Judah, "Tamar iz a hookr n she iz pregnant." Judah wuz liek "Bring her out n burn her!" 26 When they did she sended Judah a message. "Teh man who ownz these stuffz iz teh one who gotted me pregnantz," she said. "U see this befor?" 27 Judah was liek "OMG LOL she winz! bcz I wouldn't let her marry mai son Shelah." There wuz no more harblez betwin Judah and Tamar aftr that. 28 She hadded twins. 29 When tehy wuz bein bornz one of tehm putted out hiz paw, n teh midwife putted a red thread on it n said "U wuz first." 30 But then he pullded hiz paw back n hiz brother comed out. Teh midwife was liek "So this is how you has brokened out!" and they nameded him Perez. 31 N then hiz brother, who hadded teh red thread on his paw, comed out n they nameded him Zerah.

T

ehn Judah lefted hiz brotherz and wented to stai wif one of Adullam's d00ds, Hirah. 2 Judah meeted Shua there. He wuz a Canaanite wif h0t dotter. Judah WANT. They wuz married n HARBLZ WENT WHERE? 3 She gotted pregnant and nameded her kitten Er. 4 N she hadded a secnd kitten n nameded him Onan. 5 N a third kitten Shelah. He wuz bornd at Kezib. 6 Judah wuz liek "I gots wife for u Er, her name iz Tamar." 7 But Ceiling Cat was watching Er be badz! so Ceiling Cat killded him. 8 Then Judah wuz liek "OK Onan, u know WHERE HARBLZ GO wif ur brother's wife. Its ur job now to make kittenz for ur brother." 9 But Onan knew that the kittenz would not be hiz (bcz thatz how Jewish law workt LOL) so he wuz all "DO NOT WANT" n soz he pulld out n got man juice on teh floorz. 10 Ceiling Cat didnt likez that neithr cuz tehn no kittehz are get created. So Ceiling Cat killded him too. 11 Then Judah was liek "Tamar, live liek a widow in ur father's house until mai son Shelah grows up." See Judah thought Shelah would die liek hiz brotherz. Tamar was liek "OK." 12 So aftr a long tiem Judah's wife died. She wuz Shua's daughtr remembr. Aniwai when Judah felt bettr he wented to Timna wif hiz frend Hirah teh Adullamite to shear hiz sheepz. The sheepz wuznt Hirah's, they wuz Judah's. 13 When Tamar finded out Judah wuz coming 14 she taked off her black clothes n putted on a veil for a disguise. Then she sitted down at teh entrance to Enaim. That iz on teh way to Timnah OK? This wuz bcz Shelah wuz grown up now but he hadnt married her. 15 Judah seed her and wuz liek "OMG hookr!" bcz her face wuz covered. 16 N he wuz all liek "Hey babi." Tamar wuz liek "How much?" 17 "A babi goat," sez Judah. "OK but until I getz it?" sez Tamar. 18 "Liek what duz u wantz?" sez Judah. 19 "Ur seal n itz cord n ur staff," said Tamar. So he gived them to her and HARBLZ WENT WHERE? n she gotted pregnant. 20 Then she left and taked off her disguise and putted her black clothes back on. 21 So Judah's friend Hirah tried to take her teh goat, but he didn't finded her. 22 He askded evribodi "Where iz that hookr?" but they were all liek "No hookr here!" 23 So he wented back and tolded Judah "I didn't finded her n eniwai teh menz wuz all liek 'No hookr here.'" 24 Then Judah was like "Well she can haz my stuffz or

Genesis 39 Joseph DO NOT WANT Potiphar'z skanky waifu

A

n ne way teh ishmeelite d00dz taekz Joseph 2 Egypt; An taht egyptian d00d Potiphar who wuz pharos cheef ov poleesez buyed him An gaev tehm alot of moneyz. 2 An Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov Joseph, An he can has lotz ov moneyz An got to liv in potiphars base An eatz cheezburgrz An cookies An sleep on nice comfortabuhlz bedz An laptops An stuffs. 3 An potiphar saw taht Ceiling Cat rly liekd joseph An evrything he did workd out gud cuz Ceiling Cat rly liekd him. 4 An potiphar seez taht Joseph wuz rly gud d00d An rly gud bizness d00d 2 An he maded him bosscat of his base An letz him taekz care ov all his cheezburgrz An cookies An puterz An moneyz An stufs. 5 An after all taht, Ceiling Cat blessd potiphars base An his farmz An all his stufs cuz he liekd joseph. 6 An potiphar letz Joseph be bosscat ov his base An all hiz stuffs An he wuz liek rly rich d00d wif acountentz so he didnt haz 2 pay atenshun 2 how much moneyz An stufs taht blongz 2 him, xcept teh cheezburgrz An cookiez taht he eated. An Joseph wuz rly gud d00d An he wuz teh cute 2. 7 An potipharz wief seez taht Joseph wuz teh cute An she sed we can haz sexxs? 8 But he sed no wai,

27

he maded me bosscat ov his base; 9 An i can haz all his stufs but i no can has sexxs wif u cuz u r his wief: An iz rly wikkid bad evil thing An u must be raedin wikkidpedia An Ceiling Cat wil b totaly pissed off if i haz sexxs wif u. 10 An she wuz buggin Joseph evry dai 2 haz secks wif her but he wudnt do it even tho he wuz n00b An didnt kno about “PENIS GOES WHERE?” but he thot he mite liek 2 find out sum dai. 11 An 1 dai Joseph went 2 werkz in potiphars base An no menz wuz tehr. 12 An she grabz hold ov his cloths An he runz awai rly fast but she didnt letz go of his cloths so he left dem tehre An ran wai nekid An she got all pissed off An emo An stuffz. 13 An when she saw taht he ran awai nekid, 14 she IMd all teh minz An dey caem bak to teh base An she sed 2 tehm see, dis Hebr00 d00d iz liek messin wif us; he wantd to haz sexxs wif me but I sed DO NOT WANT!!!!11! 15 An when i sed DO NOT WANT!!1!!!1! he got skeerd An ran awai An left his cloths here. Naked jospeh is..naked. 16 An she kept his cloths til potiphar cam bak 2 his base. 17 An she sed teh Hebrew d00d came in here An wantd 2 has sexxs wif me: 18 An when i sed DO NOT WANT!!!!!!! he left his cloths here An ran awai nekid. but she didnt tellz him she thot joseph wuz teh cute An he wuz rly totaly teh cute when he wuz all nekid An stuffz An she rly wantd to has sexxs wif him An she wuz bein wikkid evil bitch An tryin to getz him in trubl cuz she wuz all pissed off An stuff. 19 An when potiphar hurd wot his wikkid evil bitch wief sed, taht joseph tryz 2 do wikkid evil stuff 2 her, he bleev her An got all pissed off An stufs. 20 An he takez him An puts him into teh dunjun wif all teh wikkid evil ppl An teh othr peepz taht teh king didnt liekz An he wuz ther in teh dunjun. (duh.) 21 But Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov Joseph An teh bosscat of teh prison liekd him cuz he wuz gud d00d An didnt mek ne trubl. 22 An teh bosscat of teh prison maded joseph bosscat ov all teh prisoners An he told dem all 2 be gud An not mek trubl An dey sed k cuz if dey didnt maekz trubl dey cud haz gud fudz liek cheezburgrz An cookies An stufz insted ov just breds An waterz An teh guardz wudnt beetz dem up An stuf. 23 An teh bosscat of teh prison didnt haz to wry about teh dunjon ne mor; cuz Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov joseph, An wot evr he did, Ceiling Cat wuz all kewl wif it.

Genesis 40 Joseph sez "Oh hai" 2 teh cupholder an bredmaikr

A

n l8r pharos butler An his baker had pissed him off. 2 An liek i just sed, pharo wuz all pissed off An stuf at teh butler An teh baker. (teh baker d00d didnt maded gud cookies An stuffz. I dono wut teh butler d00d did, mai b he axidently spilt sumthin on pharo or letz teh dor shut in pharos face or sumthin liek taht. ne wai pharo wuz liek all pissed off An stufz.) 3 An he put them in teh prison wher Joseph wuz bosscat ov teh prisonerz. 4 An teh captain ov teh guard sed joseph iz bosscat ov u, lissen 2 him An dont maek trubl An he took care ov tehm An didnt letz any ov teh prisoners tryz to has buttsecks wif dem An they stays tehre 4 long tiemz. 5 An 1 nite teh butler d00d An teh bakr d00d bof had wierd dremz An teh butler d00d dremd about grapez An wien An teh baker d00d dremd about cookiez. 6 An in teh mornin Joseph saw taht dey wer all sad An stuff cuz of teh wierd dremz. 7 An he axt tehm y r u all sad An stuf 2dai? 8 An dey sed we can haz wierd dremz An we dont undrstanz dem An no 1 can tellz us wtf dey meanz. An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat knos wot dey meanz. tell me wot wuz dey about An i wil axt Ceiling Cat. 9 An teh butler d00d sed, In my drem i saw a grapez vine; 10 An it had 3 branchz An sudenly it had grapez An stuf: 11 An I took teh grapes An maded wien An gaev it 2 pharo An pharo rly liekd it alot. 12 An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat sez: teh 3 branchz r 3 daze: 13 An in 3 dais pharo wil say iz ok i liekz u again An he wil letz u out ov teh prison An u wil be hiz butler again. 14 But dont 4getz 2 do sumthin 4 me, pls tell Pharaoh about me so he wil letz me out ov teh prison cuz it rly suxx 2 b in here: 15 An cuz sum wikkid evil mean d00dz kidnapd me form teh land ov teh Hebrews An i didnt do ne wikkid evil stuf but dey puts me in teh dunjun ne wai. 16 When teh baker d00d hurd taht teh butler d00dz drem wuz gud, he sed i wuz in my drem 2 An I wuz carryin 3 bukkits on my hed: 17 An in teh top bukkit tehre wuz all kindz ov rly gud cookiez 4 pharo but he sed DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!! An he chopd of my hed An hung me on a tree An teh burds eated teh cookies out ov teh bukkitz. 18 An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat sez: teh 3 bukkitz r 3

28

daze: 19 An in 3 dais pharo wil chopz of ur hed An hang u on a tree An teh burds wil eatz u up An stuf liek u was cookies. 20 An teh 3th dai wuz pharos burfdai An he can haz huge party 4 all hiz peepz, wif cheezburgrz An cookies An cakez An icecreemz An stuffz. An he took teh butler d00d and teh baker d00d out ov teh dunjun An brot dem to teh partyz 4 all his peepz 2 see. 21 An he sed to teh butler d00d, iz ok, i liekz u again, so u can be my butler again; An teh butler d00d sed k thx An gaev pharo sum wien: 22 But he sed to teh baker d00d i dont liek u cuz u maded bad cookies An DO NOT WANT!!!!1!!!!1!: so he chopz off teh baker d00ds hed An hung him on a tree An teh burds eated him liek he wuz cookies, just liek Joseph sed. 23 but teh butler d00d wuz so xited he 4got 2 tellz pharo about Joseph.

can haz wierd drems 1 nite. he dremd bout bukkitz ov cookies An i dremd about grapez An wien. 12 An a Hebrew d00d wuz bosscat ov all teh prisonerz An he sed tellz me bout ur drems An i wil axt Ceiling Cat wtf dey meanz An we tellz him, An he tellz us bof wtf teh dremz meanz. 13 An wut he tellz us bout teh dremz happend irl, pharo tellz me iz ok i lieks u again An he letz me be butler d00d again but he chopd of teh bakers hed An hung him on a tree An teh burds eated him liek he wuz cookies. 14 Tehn pharo IMd teh bosscat of teh dunjun An sed tell Joseph to come ovr 2 my base, An dey took him out ov teh prison An he took baffs wich wuz ok cuz he wuz rly drty form bein in teh dunjun An besiedz he liekd baffs, An he shave his face cuz no 1 in egypt wuz muslimz yet An teh hebrooz wuznt rly jooz yet so dey didnt haz to has beardz An he put on sum noo clos An sum noo sneekz An went 2 pharos base. 15 An pharo sed 2 Joseph i can haz wierd dremz An no 1 can tellz me wtf it meanz An teh butler d00d tellz me u nos wtf drems meanz. 16 An Joseph sed i dono but i can axt Ceiling Cat An he wil tellz me wtf it meanz so u wil feelz betr An not b all skeerd An stuffz. 17 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, In my drem i wuz standin bai teh rivr: 18 An 7 fat moocowz cam up out ov teh river An eated gras An stufz in teh field but dey didnt eated teh catnipz cuz taht wuz blong 2 Ceiling Cat. 19 An 7 mor moocowz cam up out ov teh river, An dey wuz all skinny An ugly An i nevr saw such skinny ugly moocowz in all teh land ov Egypt. 20 An teh 7 skinny moocowz eated up teh 7 fat moocows. 21 An aftr dey eated tehm up, dey wer stil all skinny liek dey didnt eated dem An tehn i woke up. 22 An i went bak 2 sleepz An i can haz nothr wierd drem, An i saw 7 ears ov rly gud corm growin on 1 plant. 23 An 7 dryed up ears grew aftr taht. 24 An teh 7 dryd up cormz eated up teh 7 rly gud cormz.. An i woke up An saw dat it wuz drem. An I tellz taht 2 teh majic d00dz An teh rly smrt geek d00dz but no 1 knoz wtf it meanz. 25 An Joseph sed 2 pharo, bof teh drems meanz teh sam ting: Ceiling Cat tellz pharo wutz gon 2 happn. 26 teh 7 fat moocowz r 7 gudyears but not teh blimpz kind cuz blimpz haznt ben nventd yet. An teh 7 gud cormz r 7 gudyears but not teh blimpz kind yadda yadda An teh peepz can has lotz ov cheezburgrs An cookies An stuffs so its teh sam ting. 27 An teh 7 skinny ugly moocowz r 7 years; An teh 7 dryd up cormz

Genesis 41 Pharoz Drem

A

n aftr 2 years pharo can has wierd dremz An he dremd he stood by teh rivr. 2 An 7 fat moocowz cam up out ov teh river An eated gras An stufz in teh field but dey didnt eated teh catnipz cuz taht wuz blong 2 Ceiling Cat. 3 An 7 mor moocowz cam up out ov teh river, An dey wer all skinny An ugly An dey stood by teh othr moocowz by teh rivr. 4 An teh 7 skinny moocowz eated up teh 7 fat moocows. moocows dosent eats moocows irl but it wuz drem so dey cud eatz dem. An pharo woke up. 5 An he went bak 2 sleepz An he can haz anothr wierd drem, An he saw 7 ears ov rly gud corm growin on 1 plant. 6 An 7 dryed up ears grew aftr taht. 7 An teh 7 dryd up ears eated up teh 7 rly gud ears. cormz cant eatz othr cormz irl but it wuz drem so dey cud eated tehm. An pharo woke up An saw dat it wuz drem. 8 An in teh mornin he wuz all skeerd An emo An stuffz An he txtd all teh majic d00ds ov Egypt An all teh rly smrt geek d00ds An sed com 2 my base An pharo told tehm hiz drem; but no 1 cud tellz pharo wtf it meanz. 9 An then teh butler d00d sed 2 pharo, oh noes i 4got 2 tellz u An im rly sry: 10 1 dai pharo was all pissed off An stuffz wif me An teh bakr d00d cuz we rly skrood up An stuf, An teh cheef of poleesez cam An puts me An teh bakr d00d in teh dunjun An it rly suxxd: 11 An we bof

29

meanz tehr wil b 7 bad years ov no cheezburgrz An no cookies. 28 An liek i sed b4, Ceiling Cat tellz u wots gonna happnz. 29 see, der wil b 7 gud years wif lotz ov cheezburgrz An cookies An stuff all ovr Egypt: 30 An aftr taht der wil b 7 years ov no cheezbugrs An no cookies; An all teh peepz in Egypt wil b hungry An starvin An stuf An evn 4get wtf iz cheezburgrz An cookies; 31 An all dat hungryz An starvashun cuz of no cheezburgrz An no cookies wil rly suxx. 32 An cuz pharo dremd teh sam drem 2x it meanz taht Ceiling Cat iz rly gonna do all taht rly soon. srsly. 33 so pharo shud getz a rly gud smrt d00d An letz him b bosscat ov teh land ov Egypt so pharo duznt haz 2 wry bout it. 34 An pharo shud let him getz 5 otehr gud smrt d00dz to werk 4 him An be bosscatz ov teh land ov Egypt 4 teh 7 gud years. (but joseph didnt thinx bout gettin sum wiminz to do it cuz taht wuz waybackintehwayback An wimin bosscats hadnt ben nventd yet.) 35 An letz tehm gather up lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An cakez An icecreemz An othr foodz An stufz An mek shur dey getz lotz of cormz 2 An bildz gynormus bildinz in teh cities 2 keep al teh fudz in An dont 4gets teh katfudz An catnipz 4 teh kittehs. 36 An u wil haz lotz of fudz 4 teh 7 bad yearz of no cheezburgrz An no cookies so teh ppl in egypt wont b all hungry An starvin An dyin An stuffz. An dont wry, Ceiling Cat wil makez mirakel An teh icecreemz wont get all meltd An teh meeses wont getz in2 teh bildinz An eatz up all teh foodz An mek meese poopz all over it cuz dat wud rly suxx. srsly. 37 An pharo sed 2 joseph, u iz rly gud smrt d00d. An all his peepz thot so 2. 38 An pharo sed 2 his peepz, wehre can we find sum1 2 do all dis stuffs? An dey sed duh, getz joseph 2 do it. 39 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, k ur teh 1 Ceiling Cat talkz 2 An u r rly gud smrt d00d. u teh man. 40 i wil maeks u teh bosscat ov my base, An u wil tellz all teh ppl wot 2 do: im teh only 1 gonna b ur bosscat cuz i iz pharo.

An he gaev him sum rly badass clos An sum totaly 1337 kicks An gaev him sum mor bling so teh ppl wud be rly shur he wuz bosscat. srsly. 43 An he gaev him his 2th best tricked out ride but it wuz chariot cuz carz hadnt ben nventd yet An wehn teh ppl seez him comin dey getz all xited An sez respekz tihs d00d cuz he iz bosscat ov all teh land ov Egypt. 44 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, I am pharo, An i sai no 1 in all teh land ov Egypt can do ne thing unles u sez k. 45 An pharo sed u can has new naim, i wil callz u Zaphnath-paaneah wich iz rly hard 2 speel but teh egipshunz had rly weird riting taht wuz all maed out ov pitchurs nsted ov lettrz; An he letz him marry Asenath wich is rly wierd naim 4 a grrrl cuz it soundz kind ov drty An he finaly found out bout “PENIS GOES WHERE?!” An she wuz teh daughter ov Poti-pherah wich soundz kind ov drty 2 An he wuz priest ov On wich isnt hard 2 speel An dosent soundz drty. An Joseph sed kthxbai An went all ovr teh land ov Egypt in his tricked out ride tellin all teh peepz wot 2 do An stuff An dey sed k. 46 An Joseph was 30 yrz old wen pharo maded him bosscat of egypt. An Joseph sed cul8r pharo i haz 2 go 2 werk An stuff kthxbai, An went all ovr Egypt in his tricked out ride but i alrdy told u taht. 47 An 4 7 gudyears but not teh blimpz kind cuz blimpz wuznt nventd yet, lotz ov foodz grew An tehre wuz lotz ov cheezburgrz An cookies An cakes An icecreems An catfudz An catnipz An stuffs An lotz of ppl An kittehs got fat An stuff wich wuz ok cuz tehn dey wudnt starv l8r. 48 An he tuk all teh xtra peepz fudz An catz fudz An catnipz ov teh 7 gud years An bilded gynormus bildinz in teh cities An puts all teh foodz An catnipz An stuffz in tehre. 49 An Joseph puts so meny bukkitz An bukkitzz ov cormz in tehr taht no 1 cud countz tehm. wich wuz gud cuz popcorm had ben nventd An all teh peeps liekd 2 eatz popcorm wen dey wuz watchin dere dvdz An stuf An wehn dey axidently dropz popcormz on teh flor teh kittehs thinkx itz toyz An lieks to playz wif it but dey duznt lieks 2 eatz it. 50 An Joseph An asenath rly liekd taht “PENIS GOES WHERE?” stufz An dey had 2 sons b4 teh bad years ov no fudz cam. 51 An Joseph naimz teh 1th kid Manasseh cuz he sed it meanz Ceiling Cat maded me 4getz how much mai lief suxxed b4 An how much i missd my old mans base. 52 An he naimd teh 2th kid Ephraim cuz he sed it meanz Ceiling Cat gaev me lotz An lotz of gud stuffz so mai

Joseph New Bosscat 41 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, See, I maekz u bosscat ovr all teh land ov Egypt. 42 An pharo tuk off his ring An put it on Josephs hand but it didnt meanz dey wuz ngaged An stuf, he just wantd 2 giv him some bling so teh peepz wud seez dat he was bosscat An rly important d00d An no 1 betr mess wif him,

30

lief dosent suxx no mor. 53 An tehn teh 7 years ov lotz An lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz wuz ovr. 54 An teh 7 years ov no cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz cam just liek Joseph sed: An ther wuz hungerz An starvashunz An otehr bad stuffz all ovr teh urths; but in Egypt der wuz lotz An lotz of foodz An catnipz An stuf. 55 An wen all teh peepz in Egypt gotz hungry, dey sed 2 pharo we can haz cheezburgr? An pharo sed go 2 Joseph cuz he is bosscat ov u An do wot evr he sez. An dey sed kthxbai.. 56 An ther wuz hungerz An starvashunz An otehr bad stuffz all ovr teh urths but i alrdy told u dat. An Joseph opened up all teh gynormus bildinz wer teh ppl foodz An cat fudz An catnipz An stufz wuz, An he sold teh foodz An catnipz An stufz 2 teh Egyptians An dey gaev him alot ov moneyz An said thx 4 all teh fudz An catfoodz An catnipz An stuffs kbye. 57 An all teh peepz form teh hol urthz cam 2 Egypt 2 by ppl fudz An catfoodz An catnipz An stuffs cuz der wuz hungryz An starvashunz An bad stufz liek taht all ovr teh urths An joseph sed u can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An cakez An icecreemz An katfudz An catnipz An stuf An dey gaev him lotz ov moneyz An evry1 sed kthxbai.

cookies An catnipz An stuf. An josephs 10 bros caem An bowed down 2 him with their faces in teh drtz cuz tahts wut ppl use to do bak in teh dai wen dey wantd 2 sho respext 4 bosscatz An pharos An important peepz liek dat. 7 An wehn Joseph seez his bros, he decieded 2 fakez dem out so he made liek he didnt knos dem An he wuz all liek i iz bosscat kiss my butt An he axt dem wehre u caemz form? An they sed from Canaan An we wantz 2 buy f00dz An stuffz cuz our peeps An kittehs iz all hungry An starvin An stuff. 8 An Joseph reckonizd his bros, but they didnt reckonizd him cuz he jus lookd liek big egipshun bosscat An besieds teh last tiem dey saw him wuz wehn dey sold him 2 teh ishmeelitez 4 20 moneyz An he wuz kid bak tehn. 9 An Joseph sed u iz spyz, u jus wantz 2 seez if my peepz iz all hungry An starvin An gettin ded liek all teh ohter ppl. 10 An they sed no wai, we wantz 2 buy f00dz An stufz liek all teh othr ppl. 11 We r all bros An we iz gud d00dz An not spyz. 12 An he sed no wai, u iz spyz. 13 An they sed we r 12 bros but our kid bro is bak at our old manz base An one ov our bros got ded long tiem ago. 14 An Joseph sed i stil thinkx u r spyz: 15 so i no letz u goez bak 2 ur base til ur kid bro com 2 my base. 16 if u dosent do htis u iz spyz 4 shur An i iz gonna pwnz u. 17 An teh cheef ov poleesez puts tehm in teh dunjon 4 3 dais. 18 An l8r Joseph sed 2 dem, Ceiling Cat sez u go getz ur kid bro: 19 If u iz gud d00ds, leav 1 ov ur bros in teh prison An taek all teh cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An katf00dz An catnipz An stuffs bak 2 ur base: 20 An if u brngz ur kidbro bak to my base I no pwnz him. 21 An they sed 2 each otehr, We rly fuxxed up wif our othr bro An didnt lissen 2 him An we did wikkid mean evil stuf 2 him An nao we iz scrood. srsly. 22 An Reuben sed i told u so, i sed dont pwnz him but u dosent lissen 2 me either An nao we iz rly scrood 4 shur. 23 An dey didnt kno dat Joseph undrstoodz dem. 24 An joseph sed xqz me gotta go 2 teh sandboks brb An tehn he got all sad An emo An stuff An cryed but he didnt letz dem seez An den he cam bak An took hiz bro Simeon An puts him bak in teh dunjon. 25 Then Joseph tellz hiz peepz 2 giv hiz bros lotz of cheezburgrs An cookies An stufs An puts hter moneyz bak in hter bukkits wif teh foodz An dey sed k. 26 An his bros filz up all tehr bukkitz wif teh foodz An stuf An sed gon 2 canaan kthxbai. 27 An it wuz lunch tiem An one of teh bros went 2 gets

Genesis 42 Joseph Broz go 2 Egypt

w

ehn Jacob hurd taht tehr wuz cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catnipz An stufz in Egypt An teh peepz wuznt all hungry An starvin An stuf, he sed 2 his kidz: 2 yo d00dz, i hurd dat tehr iz fudz An catnipz An stuff in egypt. go tehre An buy sum so we wont b all hungry An starving An gettin ded An stuffs. An dont 4gets teh cat foodz An teh catnipz cuz teh kittehs iz all hungry An starvin An stuf 2. 3 An dey sed k, gon to egypt, brb. 4 But Jacob wudnt let tehr kid bro benjamin go wif dem cuz he thot, if all teh kidz gets pwnzd by wikkid evil mean d00ds wuts been raedin wikkidpedia, or if pharo deciedz to pwnz dem, i stil can haz 1 kid left.. 5 An jacobz sons went wif alot of othr peepz 2 by foodz An stuff in egypt cuz lotz of otehr ppl in canaan wuz all hungry An starvin. 6 An Joseph wuz bosscat ov egypt An he wuz bosscat ov all teh gynormus bildins wehre teh ppl cud by cheezburgrz An

31

cheezburgrz An cookiez An seez his moneyz in hiz bukkit wif teh fudz. 28 An he sed wtf i has a money in my bukkit wif teh f00dz An dey gotz all skeerd An almos had heart attaxz An stuf An dey sed Ceiling Cat An teh bosscat ov egypt mus b messin wif us. 29 An they cam bak home 2 tehr old manz base An sed 2 him: 30 teh bosscat ov egypt wuz mean d00d An thot we wuz spyz or sumthin. 31 An we sed no wai, we iz gud d00dz: 32 we iz 12 bros but 1 of dem got ded An our kidbro is bak at our old manz base. 33 An teh bosscat sed leev one of ur bros at my base An take teh f00dz An stuf so u wont be all hungry An starvin An gettin ded An stufz An go wai: 34 An bring ur kid bro bak 2 my base so i wil know taht u r gud d00dz An not spyz An i wil letz ur otehr bro out ov teh prison An u can hangz out in egypt k? 35 An dey wuz gettin all teh cheezburgrz An cookiez An cakez An icecreemz An katf00dz An catnipz outta teh bukkits An dey all sed wtf we has a money! An dey An tehr old man got all skeerd An stufz. srsly. 36 An Jacob sed wtf Joseph is ded An Simeon iz in teh prison An u will taek Benjamin 2 egypt An prity soon all my kidz wil be gon. 37 An Reuben sed if benjamin getz ded u can pwnz my 2 kidz. i wil maek shur he getz bak to our base An not getz pwnzd. 38 An he sed no wai, his othr bro is ded An he no can haz no mor bros An if sum1 pwnz him i wil has heart atakxz An getz ded 2.

st00pid n00bz, y u tellz bosscat u haz othr bro? 7 An dey sed teh bosscat axt us bout our famly An wantd 2 kno if our old manz wuz aliev or not An if we haz nothr bro An stuf An we sed yes cuz Ceiling Cat sez u no tellz lies speshly 2 bosscat. An we didnt kno bosscat wud tellz us bring ur otehr bro 2 my base or u no can haz cheezburgrs An cookies An stufz. srsly. 8 An Judah sed pls letz us taek him wif us so we can has mor cheezburgrz An cookiez An stufz, An us An u An our momcatz An our wiefs An our kidz An all teh kittehs wont be all hungry An starvin An gettin ded An stufs. 9 I wil taekz care ov him An bringz him rite bak 2 u. An if I duznt brngz him bak all saef An stuffs tehn u can pwnz me or wot evr. 10 see, if we tookz him wif us b4 we cud alrdy haz mor cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz. 11 An jacob sed k, but taek sum ov our stufz bak 2 teh bosscat, liek nutz An spicez An teh weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz so he wont b all pissed off An stuffs. 12 An taek all teh moneyz bak 2, mai b sum1 4got 2 taek it b4. 13 An letz ben go bak 2 Egyptz wif u: 14 An i wil axt Ceiling Cat Almighty 2 mek bosscat not b mean d00d An letz all ov u comz bak saef. If u getz pwnzd i wil be all sad An emo An can haz hart atacxx An stufz but wtf if u duznt go i wil getz ded form hungrz An starvashunz newai. cul8r bai. 15 An dey tuk all dat stufs An 2x teh moneyz An sed gon 2 egypt brb k bai An dey went bak 2 seez bosscat joseph. 16 An when joseph seez all hiz broz An evn hiz kidbro, he sed 2 hiz butler d00d, u taekz htese hebroo d00dz bak 2 my base An mekz sum cheezburgrz An cookies An stufs cuz iz lunch tiem An dese menz iz can haz lunch wif me. 17 An teh butlr d00d sed k cul8r bai An taekz all teh bros to josephs base. 18 An all teh bros wuz skeerd An they sed oh noes, bosscat iz mean d00d An mai b he knos bout teh moneyz wut wuz wif teh f00dz wehn we wnet bak 2 our base An mai b he wil getz teh cheef of poleesez 2 trhow us bak in teh dunjun An taht wil rly suxxz. srsly. 19 An dey wuz skeerd to goes in josephs base An dey stayd outsied wif teh butlr d00d. 20 An dey sed we wuz in ur egypt buyin ur foodz b4 An den we went bak 2 our base. 21 An wen it wuz lunch tiem we wuz getin out teh cheezburgrz An cookies An stufs An sed wtf we haz a money! An we thot sum1 forgot 2 taek it b4 so we brot it bak An bosscat can haz 2x teh moneyz kkkk? 22 cuz we r gud menz An

Genesis 43 Bak 2 Egypt

A

n tehr wuz lotz of hungryz An starvashuns An stuf An no cheezburgrz An no cookies 4 long tiem. 2 An l8r wen dey had eated up all teh fudz dey got form egypt, jacob sed 2 his kidz go bak 2 egypt An say we can has mor cheezburgrz An cookies An stuff?. 3 An Judah sed rmembr, teh bosscat ov egypt wuz mean d00d An he sed if we no brngz our kidbro wif us, we no can goes bak An we no can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An stufz. 4 but if our kid bro comz wif us iz k, we can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An katf00dz An catnipz An stufz. 5 but liek i jus sed teh mean bosscat d00d sez, if ben dosent com wif us we no can goes bak. 6 An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob sed wtf u

32

dosent kno who puts teh moneyz bak in our bukkits An we didnt steelz nethin. 23 An teh butlr sed dont wry, ur Ceiling Cat tellz me put teh moneyz bak in tehr wif teh foodz An i sed k. An he sed simeon com out here ur bros iz her An he sed k. 24 An teh butlr d00d sed u all comz in teh base An u can has baffz An stuffz An dey sed k thx cuz dey wuz all drty An dey liekd baffs. An he tellz his peepz to giv tehr donkeyz sum foodz but not cheezburgrz An cookies cuz donkyz duznt lik cheezbugrz An cookiez An dey sed DO NOT WANT!!!!!!1!1! so dey can haz gras An stuf but dey cant haz catnipz cuz taht iz blong 2 Ceiling Cat. 25 An teh butler d00d sez iz lunch tiem An u can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An stuf An dey sed kewl, thx. 26 An Joseph cam bak 2 hiz base An dey gaev him all teh nutz An spicez An weedz taht iz liek catnip= 4 peepz An bowed down 2 him again cuz dat wuz how peepz use 2 sho respeckz 4 bosscats bak in teh dai. 27 An he axt dem how r u doin An howz ur old man An is he stil aliev. 28 An dey sed he iz ok jus hungryz An stuf liek all teh otehr ppl An they bowed down 2 him again cuz dey wuz all skeerd An stuf. 29 An tehn he seez hiz kidbro wut hadz teh same momcat An axt is htis ur kid bro An he sed dont wry, Ceiling Cat taekz caer ov u An no letz ne1 pwnz u. 30 An Joseph sed xqz me gotz to go 2 sandbockz brb An he went An got all emo An cryed An stuff. 31 An he cam bak An sed itz lunch tiem An we can haz cheezburgrz An cookiez An stufz. 32 An they eated tehr lunchz. 33 An all teh bros sed w00t, bosscat duznt be mean d00d An tihs iz rly gud fudz An we can eatz lunch wif bosscat An how kewl iz taht? 4 rael. 34 An joseph gaev evry1 lotz of fudz An stuffz but he gaev teh most foodz 2 benjamin cuz he raely liekd him alot. An dey can haz wien An cakez An icecereemz An stuffz liek it waz burfdai prty or sumthin An dey wuz all happy An stufs cuz bosscat didnt pwnzd tehm or trhowz dem in teh dunjun An othr mean stuff.

wif hiz moneyz An he sed k. 3 An in teh mornin all teh bros sed thx 4 all teh cheezburgrs An cookiez An cornz An catnipz An lunchz An stufz, cul8r bai. 4 An aftr dey left Joseph sed 2 his cheef of poleesez, u goez after htose hebroo d00ds An say wtf, y u duz wikkid evil ting, u ben raedin wikkidpedia or wot? 5 did u steelz bosscats favrit silver cup wen u wuz in hiz base eatin ur lunchs? iz wikkid An evil An ur Ceiling Cat sez u no steelz stuf form ppl, rite?. 6 An he catchs up wif tehm An sed wot bosscat joseph sed. 7 An they sed wait a minit, wtf he sez taht 4? Ceiling Cat sez u no steelz stuffs form teh peepz An we r gud minz An we duz wot Ceiling Cat sez. 8 rmember we wuz in ur egypt byin ur foodz b4 An we finded teh moneyz in teh bukkits wif teh foodz An we brot it bak An sed 2 bosscat u can has 2x teh moneyz k? y u tink we steelz form bosscat? 9 look in all our bukkitz An if u findz it u can pwnz who evr haz it An u can puts us bak in teh dunjon k?. 10 An he sed I iz not mean d00d so i jus puts teh 1 who stol it bak in teh prison An all u othr d00dz can goes bak 2 ur old manz base k? 11 tehn dey opend up all teh bukkits An stufz so teh cheef ov poleesez cud seez. 12 An he finded teh silvr cup in benjamins bukkit. 13 den dey got all skeerd An took all teh foodz An catnipz An stufz bak 2 teh city. 14 An all teh bros went 2 josephs base An dey bowed down 2 him cuz dey wer skeerd An dey didnt wants bosscat joseph 2 be all pissed off cuz taht wud rly suxx. srsly. 15 An Joseph sed wtf u did? dont u knos i iz majik d00d An can seez stuff liek taht? 16 An Judah sed we no steelz nething An u gotz 2 bleev us. Ceiling Cat knos wot happnd An if we steelz nethin u can pwnz us or puts us bak in teh dunjun or wotevr. 17 An Joseph sed ur Ceiling Cat tellz me not 2 pwnz u. but teh d00d wot steeld my favrit cup haz 2 goes 2 teh prison An teh rest of u can goes bak 2 ur old manz base. 18 den Judah sed i can tellz u sumthin pls? An pls dont get all pissed off An stufz cuz i knos u r big bosscat almos liek pharo An I dont want to b rood or nethin. 19 rmembr u axt us if we haz othr bros An if our old man wuz stil aliev? 20 An we sed our old man iz stil aliev An we hav a kid bro An his otehr bro who haz teh same momcat got ded long tiem ago An he iz teh only 1 who has teh same momcat An our old man rly luvs him alot. srsly. 21 An u tellz us bring him here 2 my base cuz i wantz 2 seez him. 22 An we sed

Genesis 44 A silber kup found inna sak

A

n he tellz hiz butler d00d fill up evry1s bukkit wif foodz An catnipz An stufz An put evry1s moneyz bak in teh bukkitz 2. 2 An put my favorit silver cup in teh kidbros bukkit

33

we no can do taht cuz our old man wud be so sad An stufs taht he can has hart attacx or sumthin An get ded. 23 An u sed if we duznt brngz our kidbro bak 2 ur base den we no can com bak An we no can has mor cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catmipz An stufz 24 An wen we wnet bak 2 our old manz base we told him wot u sed An he wuz all skeerd An stuffz An sez i no can lets him goes cuz sum1 mite pwnz him or crocodielz or lions or lolrusz mite eatz him. 25 An tehn l8r he sed 2 us go bak 2 egyptz An say we can has mor cheezburgrs An cookies An cornz An catnipz An stufs?. 26 An we sed we no can goes bak tehre cuz teh bosscat wuz mean d00d An he sed if u no brngz ur 27 An our old man sed 2 us hiz momcat only had 2 kidz, 28 An 1 of tehm iz gon An i think sum1 pwnzd him or he got eated by crocodiel or lion or lolruz An dat wuz long tiem ago. 29 An if his kid bro getz ded i wil be so sad An emo An stuffz, i can has hart attackxxz An stuf An get ded. 30 so if benjamin no can goes bak 2 our old manz base, our old man mite can has hart atakxs An get ded cuz he luvz him so much. srsly. 31 An we tink ov him getin ded An we say DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!!!! 32 so i sed to our old man i wil taeks caer ov him An if he getz ded u can pwnz me or wot evr. 33 so pls trhow me in teh prison insted An let our kid bro go back to our old mans base. 34 see i no can goes bak to our old manz base if our kid bro no can goes 2. cus liek i jus sed our old man can has hart attakxxxz An get ded An DO NOT WANT!!!!11!!!!

me 2 com here An saev teh ppl An teh kittehs form starvin An getin ded form teh hungerz. 6 cuz teh hungerz An starvashunz haz ben goin on 4 2 yrz An we stil can haz 5 mor yrs ov no cheezburgrz An no cookiez An stuf. 7 An Ceiling Cat wantd me 2 mek shur hter wil b enuf cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An katfudz An catnipz An stuffs so teh peepz An teh kittehs wont get ded form teh hungrz An starvashunz. 8 So u didnt rly do wikkid evil thing even tho it lookd liek u did. Ceiling Cat maded u do it. srsly. An he tellz pharo 2 maekz me bosscat ov all his base An ov all teh land ov Egypt. so tehre. 9 so u can goez bak 2 ur old manz base An tellz him joseph sez Ceiling Cat maded me bosscat ov all teh Egypts An he can comz ovr 2 my base rite awai. 10 An i maekz base 4 u in teh land ov Goshen An u An ur wiefs An ur kidz An tehr wiefs An ur hol famlyz An ur kittehs An ur moocows An ur sheeplz can livz tehre. 11 An i wil givz u lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catf00dz An catnipz cuz htere wil b 5 mor yrs ov hungerz An starvashunz An no cheezburgrz An no cookies An if u staiz in canaan u mite get ded form teh hungrz An starvashunz An DO NOT WANT!!!1111!!!!!! 12 newai u can lookz at me An seez taht i iz ur bro. 4 rael. 13 An tell our old man taht im in ur egyptz bein teh bosscat An teh egypt is gud place 4 base An he shud com here rite awai. 14 An joseph got all emo again An it wuz huggz tiem An he An benjamin had big huggz An cryed An stuf. 15 An all his otehr bros got all emo 2 An it wuz rly rly huggz tiem. srsly. 16 An evry1 in pharos base sed Josephs bros are heer, how kewl iz dat? An pharo An all his peepz sed w00t!. 17 An pharo said 2 Joseph all ur bros can goes bak 2 ur old manz base. 18 An bringz him An all ur famlyz An moocows An sheepz An kittehs bak 2 egypt: An I wil maekz base 4 htem An dey can has lotz ov cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catf00ds An catnipz An stuf. 19 An dey can haz wagons 4 teh famlyz An teh kittehs but teh moocows An teh sheeplz can walkz. but sry i no can givz tehm truckx cuz truckx haznt ben nventd yet An u rly shud axt ur Ceiling Cat bout taht cuz soundz liek gud idea. 20 An tel tehm dont wry about all ur otehr stufs cuz u can has all new stuffs form teh egyptz. An not walmart stuffz either, u can haz teh rly gud stuf liek bloomingdalez An nieman marcus. 21 so pharo tellz joseph 2 giv dem 10 wagonz but no truckx cuz truckx

Genesis 45 Joseph sez "Surpriz, itz me!"

h

ten Joseph cudnt stopz form gettin all emo An stuffz An he sed 2 his peepz all u d00dz go wai An dey sed k. An Joseph stopz fakin out his bros. 2 An he got all emo. srsly. An he cryed An stufz An all teh Egyptians in pharos base hurd him but taht wuz k cuz menz wuz aloud 2 cryz back in teh day. 3 An Joseph said hai, I iz ur bro Joseph. iz our old man stil aliev? An his bros wuz getin all skeerd An stufz An didnt knoes wtf 2 do. 4 An Joseph sed 2 his bros bleev me i iz Joseph ur bro wut u selld to teh egypshunz 4 20 moneyz long tiem ago. 5 but dont b all sad An skeerd An stufz cuz Ceiling Cat wantd

34

wuznt nventd yet An joseph gave tehm f00dz 2 so dey wudnt haz to stopz at mcdonalds. wich wuz gud cuz mcdonalds wuznt inventd yet either but pharos cheezburgrz wuz alot betr newai. An no can haz truckx was k 2 cuz gas wuznt nventd yet. 22 he gaev htem all noo clos but he gaev Benjamin mor clos den ne1 An he gaev him 300 moneyz 2. 23 An he gaev tehm 20 donkys wut wuz carryin ppl fudz An cat f00dz An a lotz ov othr rly gud stufffs 2 taeks wif tehm. oh An donky foodz 2 cuz liek i sed b4 donkyz dosent lieks cheezburgrz An cookies. 24 An dey sed kthx gon 2 canaan brb An he sed wach out An dont letz ne1 pwnz u An dont letz teh crocodielz An teh lionz An teh lolruses eatz u k bai. 25 An htey went bak 2 tehr old manz base An no1 pwnzd dem An teh crocodielz An teh lions An teh lolrusz did not eated htem. 26 An dey toldz Jacob Joseph iz in ur egyptz bein teh bosscat ov all ov it. An Jacob didnt bleev htem An sed wtf no wai u 4 rael?! An he almos cud has hartatakkxz but he didnt. wich wuz gud cuz r wuznt nventd yet. 27 An dey tellz him wot Joseph sed 2 dem An when he seez all teh wagons An teh donkyz he sed k i bleevs u. rly. 28 An Israel whos rael naim wuz Jacob sed how kewl is taht! Joseph iz aliev An iz bosscat of all teh egyptz. w00t! i can goes 2 seez him An b wif him An haz noo base b4 i get ded.

Cat sez iz gonna b k An wikkid evil ppl no can pwnz us An crocodiels An lionz An lolrusz no can eatz us. 6 An he taekz all teh kittehz An teh moo cows An teh sheeplz An stufz An sed gon 2 egypts An not brb kbai. 7 An all hiz wiefs An hiz kidz An ther wiefs An teh hol famlyz sed gone 2 egyptz An not brb kbai. An wuz alrdy big famlyz cuz jacob can has 4 wiefs An dey did alot ov PENIS GOES WHERE?! srsly. 8 An htese are all ov jacobs peepz. An most ov dem has wierd naemz cuz teh 1th peepz who rited teh bibbl can haz weird alfabetz. 9 jacobs kid Reuben who wuz not sammich had teh kidz Hanoch An Phallu An Hezron An Carmi. 10 An jacobs kid Simeon had teh kidz Jemuel An Jamin An Ohad An Jachin An Zohar An Shaul. 11 An jacobs kid Levi who wuz not pantz had teh kidz Gershon An Kohath An Merari. 12 An jacobs kid Judah had teh kidz Er An Onan An Shelah An Pharez An Zerah but Er An Onan wuz alrdy got ded. An Pharez had teh kidz Hezron An Hamul. 13 An jacobs kid Issachar had teh kidz Tola An Phuvah An Job who wuz a rael piece ov werk An Shimron. 14 An jacobs kid Zebulun had teh kidz Sered An Elon An Jahleel. 15 An htose kids momcat wuz Leah An hter sis wuz Dinah so tehr wuz 30 An 3 ov dem countin all teh kidz kidz. 16 An jacobs kid Gad had teh kidz Ziphion An Haggi An Shuni An Ezbon An Eri An Arodi An Areli. 17 An jacobs kid Asher had teh kidz Jimnah An Ishuah An Isui An Beriah An Serah ther sis. An Beriah had teh kidz Heber An Malchiel. 18 An thos kidz momcat wuz Zilpah An tehr wuz 16 ov em countin all teh kids kidz. 19 Jacob's wief rachel had teh kidz Joseph An Benjamin. 20 An jacobs kid Joseph had teh kidz Manasseh An Ephraim in teh egpyt An ther momcat wuz Asenath. 21 An jacobs kid Benjamin did alot ov PENIS GOES WHERE!? An had teh kidz Bela who wuz not dracula An Becher An Ashbel An Gera An Naaman An Ehi An Rosh An Muppim who wuz not muppet An Huppim An Ard. 22 so countin all teh kidz kidz ther wuz 14 of dem. 23 An jacobs kid Dan had teh kid Hushim. 24 An jacobs kid Naphtali had teh kidz Jahzeel An Guni An Jezer An Shillem. 25 An bilhah wuz tehr momcat. 26 so all Jacobs famlyz who caem form canaan wuz 60 An 6 ppl not counting hiz kids wiefs An sum1 4got to rite down teh kids wiefz naims. 27 An liek i sed b4, Joseph had 2 kidz in teh egyptz. so jacob can has 60 An 10 ppl in his

Genesis 46 Jacob skedaddles 2 Egypt

A

n Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob taekz all hiz wiefs An hiz kidz An ther wiefs An hter kidz An his kittehs An hiz moo cowz An his sheeplz An stufs An said gon 2 egyptz An not brb k bai. An dey caem to Beer-sheba An jacob sed we can has bbq An htey burnt up a moocow An a sheepl An lotz ov catnipz An Ceiling Cat sed kthx ur rly g00d peepz An i lieks u alot. 2 An Ceiling Cat sed Jacob, Jacob. An he sed im in ur beersheba lissenin 2 Ceiling Cat. 3 An Ceiling Cat sed I am Ceiling Cat An teh Ceiling Cat of ur old man isaac. dont b all skeerd of goin 2 Egypt cuz u can has base htere An u can haz gynormus famlyz An call dem teh israelitez. 4 I wil b in ur egyptz watchin ovr u An ur peepz. An evry wher els 2. 5 An Jacob sed we has a wagonz. An we can goes 2 egypts An Ceiling

35

hol famlyz but is k u no duz teh maths. 28 An judah axt joseph goshen is where An he told him so he dosnt haz 2 use f******xing mapquest!!! An htey said gon 2 Goshen cul8r kthxbai. 29 An Joseph can has chariot cuz cars wuznt inventd yet An he sed 2 pharo gon 2 goshen brb An wnet 2 see his old man An dey got all emo An it wuz huggz tiem An dey cryed alot cuz dey wuz all happie An xited An stuff. 30 An jacob sed thx muchz to Ceiling Cat cuz i can seez joseph agin An he iz aliev An i can gets ded from bein all hapy An xcited An stuf.. 31 An Joseph sed i tellz pharo dat all my famlyz iz in teh egpyt. gone 2 pharos base kbai 4 naow. 32 An jacob An his kidz exept 4 joseph who wuz bosscat ov egpyt An his kidz kids wuz shepherds An can has lotz of moocows An sheeplz An dey brung all of tehm 2 egypts. 33 An jospeh sed pharo is gonna axt u wat u do 4 werk. 34 An u tellz dem we is shepherds An has lotz ov moo cowz An sheeps so pharo wil sai i maek ur base in teh land of Goshen cuz teh gypshuns gots dis wierd thing bout shepherdz An dey liek 2 eat sheeplz An moocows but htey dosent liek 2 liv wif dem An dey will say DO NOT WANT!111!!!!!!!!.

pharo gon 2 goshen kthxbai. 11 An Joseph maded teh vry bestest base in all ov teh egyptz 4 his old man An his bros in goshen wich was calld land of rameses 2. (but not naemd aftr ramses teh 2th cuz he wuznt bornd yet.) 12 An Joseph took caer ov his old man An his bros An all his old mans famlyz An gaev htem lotz of cheezburgrs An cookies An corns An stufffz. An catfudz An catnips 4 teh kittehs 2.

Joeseph getz teh hungries 13 An l8r hter wuznt ne mor cheezburgrs An cookies evn in teh egypt cuz all teh peepz An kittehs had eated it all An htey wuz all hungry An starvin liek evry1 els. 14 An Joseph gaev all teh moneyz in egypt An in canaan 2 pharo 2 buy all teh fudz An stuf. 15 An dey didnt has ne mor moneys. An l8r all teh Egyptians caem 2 Joseph An sed we can has cheesburgrz An cookies An stuffz? cuz we r all hungry An starvin An stufz but we dosent has ne mor moneyz An f00d stamps haznt ben nvntd yet An evn all our moocowz is all hungryz An starvin cuz tehr iznt evn ne gras left cuz dey eated it all An we evn eated sum ov it. 16 An Joseph sed i can haz ur moo cows An sheeplz An stuf An u can has cheezburgrs An cookies An stuf. 17 An dey sed k An joesph can has all tehr horses An sheepz An moo cows An donkyz An Joseph gaev htem cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catfoods An stufs An 4 a hol yeer. 18 An teh nex yr dey caem bak 2 josephs base An sed we can has cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffs? sry we dosnt has ne mor moneyz An u alrdy haz all our moo cows An sheeplz An stuf An food stamps hasnt ben nventd yet An all we haz left is our basez so all our base can b belong 2 u. 19 othr wiez we will all get ded form teh hungryz An teh strvashunz. so u can haz all our base An we can has cheezbugrz An cookies An stuf k? An we can has seedz 2 An we wil werk on all teh farmz 4 pharo kkkkk? 20 so all teh peepz base wer belong 2 pharo An teh peeps cud haz cheezburgrz An cookies An seeds An stuf An evry1 maded farmz 4 pharo. 21 An all teh ppl in teh eygpt werkd 4 pharo in teh cityz An stuf wen dey wuznt in ther famrz raizin tehr fr00ts An vebgtablz An stuf. 22 but pharo sed 2 joeph u no can haz fake Ceiling Cats bases cuz fake Ceiling Cats wil get all pissed off An stuf. but pharo didnt kno taht fake Ceiling Cats wuz fake Ceiling Cats he thot htey wer rael

Genesis 47

T

hen Joseph sed 2 pharo my old man An my bros An hter famlyz An dere kittehs An ther sheepz An hter moo cows An stufs r in ur goshen. 2 An he taekz 5 ov his bros 2 seez pharo. 3 An pharo sed 2 joseps bros wot u do 4 werk An they sed we r all shepherds. 4 An dey sed we use to liv in teh canaan but u tellz us we can has base in teh egpytz cuz our moocows dosent has ne f00dz An dey wil get ded if we stais ther so pls we can has base in goshen?. 5 An pharo sed 2 Joseph ur old man An ur bros r in ur eygpt lookin 4 fudz 4 ther sheepz An hter moo cows An stuff. 6 An u iz rly gud d00d An i liekz u alot so ur old man An ur bros can has rly gud base in Goshen: An dey can b bosscats of all my moo cows An sheeplz 2. 7 An Joseph tookd Jacob his old man to sees pharo: An Jacob sed thx muchz pharo. Ceiling Cat sez u r rly gud d00d An Ceiling Cat wil watch out 4 u. 8 An pharo axt Jacob how old r u? 9 An Jacob sed i iz rly old d00d 100 An 30 yrz old An i has gud lief An my old man wuz 100 An 47 yrz old wehn he got ded. 10 An Jacob sed 2

36

An he wuz all skeerd An stufs. so he didnt taekd fake Ceiling Cats bases. 23 Then Joseph sed 2 teh ppl u An all ur base 4 blong 2 pharo: tek teh seedz An mek farmz. 24 An sum of ur vegbatels An froots is blong 2 pharo An teh rest is blong 2 u so u An ur famlyz wont b all hungry An starvin An stuff. 25 An they sed thx muchz u is rly gud d00d, u tek caer of us An we will werks 4 pharo An we wont b all starvin nao. kthxbai. 26 An htats how dey stil duz thingz in teh egyptz. sum of teh f00dz is belong 2 pharo An teh rest is blong 2 teh ppl but all fake Ceiling Catz base is stil blong 2 fake Ceiling Cats. 27 An teh isrealitz livd in goshen long tiem An they hadz lotz An lotz of moneys An stuff An dey did alot of PENIS GOES WHERE??! An had lotz An lotz of kidz. srsly. 28 An l8r jacob wuz rly rly old d00d An he got 2 b 100 An 40 An 7 yrz old liek his old man. 29 An he noo he wuz gonna get ded prty soon An he sed 2 joesph promis me u is not burys me in teh egypt wen i get ded. 30 but u bury me wif my old man in teh canaan An joseph sed k. 31 An jacob sed Ceiling Cat is watchin u An if u dont do htat den Ceiling Cat wil be all pissed off An stuff An maybe he evn meks u ded. 4 rael. den jacob sed u r rly gud kid. An den jacob wuz all tired cuz he wuz rly old d00d An he sed nitey nite An wnet 2 sleepz.

iz their posesshun and will be lots of MORTAL KOMBAT and stuffs but otha than thats its your posseshun srsly. 5 "nao den, as I wuz saying, ur 2 sons borned 2 u in da land uf giant kitty litter box before i came 2 u her will be I can haz; efraim an manaseh will be I can haz, jus as reuben (laik the sammich lolz) an simeon r I can haz. 6 any childrunz borned 2 u aftr them will be u can haz; in da hood they inherit they will be calleded undr teh namez ov their brothers for sum rzn. not sure y. y not callz them by their real nameses? I guess peepol are lazy. 7 anywayz, as i wuz returnin frum paddan (they haz good barz there), 2 mah DO NOT WANT rachel go wai and be ded in da land ov canaan while we wuz still on teh wai, lil distance frum efrath, and rly rly far frum antartica. So i burid her like turd thar beside teh road 2 efrath" (dat iz, bethlehem, also vry vry far from antratica...srlsy). 8 when israel saw teh sons ov joseph, he askded, "o hai! hoo r thees?" 9 "they r teh sons Cieling Cat has sed I can haz," joseph sed 2 his fathr. den israel sed, "brin them 2 me so i cud bles them and snorgle themz and giv them munney for using at chucky cheez." 10 nao israels eyez wuz not wurkin so good cuz ov old age and cuz he spends lots of taim on intraweb lookings at lolcat pagez, an he cud hardly c. srlsy. So joseph brought his sons close 2 him, an his fathr kisd them an embracd them an snorgled them and then forgoted their names cuz hes rly rly rly old. 11 israel sed 2 joseph, "i nevr expectd 2 c u again except when u need 2 borrow munney or needz to do laundrey, an nao Cieling Cat has allowd me 2 c ur children 2. DO WANT" 12 den joseph removd them frum israels lap an bowd down wif his face 2 teh ground fur som rzn. 13 an joseph took both ov them, efraim on his rite toward israels left hand an manaseh on his left toward israels rite hand, not evn sur why i tell u this, is as relevant as which hrbllz cieling cat wuz licking at the time, an brought them close 2 him again after takings them away. I guess joseph is indecisive like dat. 14 but israel reachd out his rite hand an put it on efraims head, though he wuz teh youngr, an evn tho he had jus used that hand to scratch hrballz, an crosin his arms like macarena, he puted his left hand on manasehs head, even though manaseh wuz teh firstborn and even tho he had lice. 15 den he blesd joseph an sed,"cud teh Cieling Cat before whom mah fathers abraham an isaac walkd,

Genesis 48 Joseph pays hiz pops a visit

s

um tiem latr joseph wuz tolded, "ur fathr iz not feelingz so gud." so he took his 2 sons manaseh an efraim along wif him. An they was mad cuz they wuz in middle of playing pokemonz. 2 when jacob wuz tolded, "ur son joseph has come 2 u, cuz he heer yor not feeling so gud" israel stopped watching rerunz of golden girlz an sat up on teh bed. 3 jacob sed 2 joseph, "Cieling Cat almighty appeard 2 me at luz in da land ov canaan,srsly, was like one secund i wuz scratchings mah butt and nest things u no cieling cat all like OMG HAI. an thar he blesd me 4 an sed 2 me, im goin 2 mak u rly rich d00d an will increase ur cheezburgerz and childrenz. Im gonna mak u mod ov all tha interweb, an im gonna giv dis land as an evrlastin posesshun 2 ur descendants aftr u. srsly. Essept mebe otha peepol will also say

37

teh Cieling Cat hoo has been mah sugah daddy all mah life 2 dis dai, 16 teh hover dOOd hoo has deliverd me frum all harm and kept mai cheezburgers safe —cud he bles thees bois. cud they be calld by mah naym, an teh namez ov mah fathers abraham an isaac, an cud they increase greatly upon teh earth like weedz and sudoko puzzlz." 17 when joseph saw his fathr placin his rite hand on efraims head he wuz laik, DO NOT WANT; so he took hold ov his fathers hand 2 moov it frum efraims head 2 manasehs head. Also he changeded the channel on TV cuz he hates Golden girls. 18 joseph sed 2 him, "duh! pops, dis wan iz teh firstborn; put ur rite hand on his head. kthx" 19 but his fathr was all laik, REQUEST DENIED an sed, "i knoe, mah son, i knoe. I r not dummy head. He 2 will become peeps, an he 2 will become great like man who invented flee collars. but, his youngr brothr will be greatr than he, and always win at pokemonz and get hottest date at promz, an his childrenz will become group ov nashuns and will listen to music he no likez" 20 he blesd them dat dai an sed,"in ur naym will israel pronounce dis blesin: cud Cieling Cat mak u liek efraim an manaseh, and laik cheez on burgerz " so he put efraim ahead ov manaseh, and changed channel bak to golden girls cus he did not want to miss end. 21 den israel sed 2 joseph, "o noes! im bout 2 be ded, but Cieling Cat will be wif u an taek u bak 2 teh land ov ur fathers by scruff of yur neck like a cyoot kittehn. 22 An cuz u iz bosscat i giv teh ridge ov land i took frum teh amoritez wif mah sword an mah bow (An mai aroz 2 cuz bo wfout arros duznt werkz gud) an mah gat."

ur gud kitteh. U cen be squeez kittehs necks an dey lick ur feetz. 9 Ur a lion! Other kittehs DO NOT WANT wake up lion. 10 An ur kittehs will rule ur bros kittehs until ceiling cat comes to gather all kittehz! 11 An ceiling cat will give kittehz a bath 12 an milk an wine!" 13 "Zebuluns kittehs can has hoem by the sea an can has boats to play with." 14 "Issachar iz a donkey carrying invizbl hevvy rox 15 an wantz to rest an so will be servant an licks feetz." 16 "Dan will be judge for his kittehs! 17 He can be serpentcat and bitez teh horses so ridrs fall LOL!" 18 I can haz salvation yet, ceiling cat? 19 "Gad, a walrus take ur bukket! But u can haz it bak." 20 "Asher kittehs are roly-poly! LOL They maded cookies but eated them." 21 "Napthali, ur bum iz gassy. But u talk nice, so iz k." 22 "Joseph, u can haz many many kittehs! Soem kittehs live across teh sea! 23 Ur bros try hurt u an ur kittehs 24 but iz ok. Ceiling cat make u an ur kittehs strong ninjacats. 25 Ceiling cat giev u lotz cheezburgrz! 26 An u can haz ur dads cheezburgrz an ur bros not haev em." 27 "Benjamin huntz wild cheezburgrz at nite! LOL!" 28 An the 12 kittehs eated cheezburgrz from dads.

Jacob getz teh ded 29 An dads sed "Oh noez I will ceiling cat forevur so burry me inna cave 30 ovr thur 31 whur iz bureed Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Rebekah, an Leah. 32 Cave iz ovr thur an we bot it." Genesis_23#2 33 An he went teh ded.

Genesis 50

D

Genesis 49

at Joseph dood was all like crying n' stuff and den he waz liek "i can has kissez?" and he gave kisses to daddy. 2 and den Joseph was all liek "hey u guyz lets make to wrap himz up;" so guyz did it. 3 it wuz long time, more long time, lotz of time, and peepz were sad 4 and Joseph sed "hai guyz if u luvz me, tell Pharaoh that 5 dadz sed u gots burry me in Canaan so I taek him out of ur place an burry him in Canaan but I coem back kthxbai" 6 an Pharaoh said "k" 7 an Joseph went with old kittehz 8 an with his bros and the sheepz 9 an with the walrus and hiz bukket an dey were lotz of kittehs 10 an they got there an the kittehs cried 11 an the

Jacob giveh Cheezburgerz to sons

A

n Jacob said to his kittehs "Coem here I give u invisible cheezburgrz an tell wat will happn to ur kittehs' kittehs' kittehs 2 so listen plz! I iz Israel ur dadz. 3 Reuben, ur mai first kitteh! U cud haev been great like me 4 but ur kittehs won't have cheezburgrz cuz u peed in mai bedz! An scratched mai couch!" 5 "Simeon and Levi, ur bad mean kittehs! 6 I dun wanna think of it but u killed a kitteh and smashed a wall! 7 So ur cursed an ur baby kittehs will be scattrd an not frenz." 8 "Judah,

38

Canaan kittehs sed "oh sad" 12 so dey burreed him inna durt 13 cuz deyd carreed him there 14 Joseph went back to Pharaoh 15 den bros sed "Joseph will h8 us" 16 an bros sed "Joseph, dad sed 17 u must luv us an not be mad" an Joseph cried 18 an bros sed "we sirv u an lick ur feetz" 19 an Joseph sed "dont be fraid I iz liek ceiling cat 20 cuz u wer bad but ceiling cat maed it gud an kittehs got saved 21 dunt werry I give u cheezburgrz" an he gaev em cheezburgrz 22 an Joseph got old 23 an he saw his baby kittehs have kittehs an kittehs an kittehs an he holded all the baby kittehs an red them storeez an gave em

cheezburgrz 24 Joseph sed "I go see ceiling cat forevur but ceiling cat will take you back to ur land k bai" 25 an Joseph sed "ceiling cat will coem so tak mai bonez k?" 26 an he died an dey put him in a box

39