The Power Of Permission: Letting Yourself Change, Fail, Succeed, Launch, And Live To The Fullest 1n6f6s
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- Words: 8,412
- Pages: 31
- Publisher: Scribd Coach
- Released Date: 2021-07-19
- Author: Kate Pennell
The Power of Permission
Letting Yourself Change, Fail, Succeed, Launch, and Live to the Fullest
Kate Pennell
Copyright © 2021 by Kate Pennell
All rights reserved
ISBN: 9781094426488
First e-book edition: July 2021
Scribd, Inc.
San Francisco, California
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About Scribd Coach
This ebook is brought to you by Scribd Coach, a new imprint from Scribd dedicated to short-form, inclusive, and insightful personal and professional growth courses written by recognized experts. Each Scribd Coach course is available in audiobook format or as an ebook transcribed from the audio course — like the book you’re about to read. If you’re interested in the audio edition of this course, or if you’d like to read more personal growth content from Scribd Coach, check out the Scribd Coach imprint page. You can share your thoughts on this title by rating and leaving a review on the book page. Thanks for reading — enjoy!
Introduction
Hello, and welcome to “The Power of Permission: Letting Yourself Change, Fail, Succeed, Launch, and Live to the Fullest,” an audio course from Scribd Coach. I’m Kate Pennell, and I will be your guide through this journey. Our whole lives, we’ve had to get permission before we can do what we want. First, we had to ask our parents, then our teachers, and sometimes peers and friends. As we age, we become more independent, but we still have to get permission for certain things-- at work, from official bodies and organizations, from the government, and maybe even our partners. Unfortunately, we can become so accustomed to needing outside permission that when we make a decision for ourselves, we can feel like we need verification from others. Permission from others is a powerful thing; but what if we could give permission to ourselves as well? What if we could tap into the power of permission to enhance our lives? I don’t know about you, but I get discouraged and frustrated when I see what I want to achieve but feel powerless to move forward. Understanding the power of permission is one way of unlocking your power to make that progress. This course is about equipping you with the skills and confidence to do just that. My hope is that this course will offer you a better understanding of how the dynamic of permission works and ultimately better empower you to make the progress in your life that you want to make. We’ll introduce the power that permission has in our lives, both from others and from ourselves. We will discover how that power factors into our decision-making and affects our level of success and satisfaction. Plus, we’ll examine how giving ourselves permission releases us in our growth as a person, how it can help us make progress toward our potential best, and how the outworking of that permission affects those around us. I’ll be using practical examples throughout the course to illustrate these concepts better. It’s much easier to learn from someone else’s successes
and failures, after all! I’ll also offer exercises throughout the course. I recommend that you have a designated notebook ready to complete exercises and record your thoughts throughout the course. Don’t worry, No psych degree is needed here! This course is meant to be a practical catalyst for developing your self-awareness and getting results. This course is for you if you want to see how old habits can undermine your progress and learn how to be free of them. It’s also helpful if you want to feel better equipped to make decisions towards your personal and professional goals. You’ll also benefit from this course if you want to develop greater self and interpersonal awareness. How did I learn all this great information? Well, I’m a certified life coach, youth and community worker, speaker, and now I’m in the field of personal development. I have been following the path of personal development for years. I understand how steps on this road can feel and what they cost, but I also know how it feels to give yourself permission to launch and begin to fly as you were made to do. It has been my privilege over the years to help people unpack their lifestyle, dreams, desires, and direction. One of the keys I have found for making effective progress has been understanding the power of permission in our lives and unlocking my own power to make the progress that I want to make. Here I am, and here you are. I look forward to walking with you on your journey to unlock the power of permission and enact change for yourself. Let’s get started with the first unit - we’ll call it “Permission Requested.”
1 Permission Requested
As we’ve established, throughout our lives we are required to get permission from various people and entities. Getting used to needing permission can make us feel like we need permission for everything we do in our lives. By taking the power back that we have left outside ourselves, we can make better decisions free of guilt or insecurity. We can build ourselves up from the inside out. However, Permission isn’t intrinsically bad; in fact, it can be a good thing! Permission helps ensure cooperation between people and the safety and wellbeing of our society. For instance, I need a license if I want to drive, a permit if I want to fish-- and woe betide the sibling who takes without asking! Think about how many times over, say, the last two years you’ve asked for permission. Maybe you got a visa, a building permit, a library card, a hip , Facebook group acceptance, or just interpersonal permission from people in your life for everyday things. The upside or purpose of having to ask permission in society is to guarantee order, safety, and mutual respect. The downside is the negative effect it can have on your self-motivation and empowerment. What if you want to start a personal journey of discovery and change, then? You wouldn’t need official permission for something like that. But having a “permission program” running unseen in the hard drive of your head is bound to affect your life. In this unit, we’ll evaluate exactly how that happens and why. We’ll talk about the importance of permission-- the role it plays in your life, plus some subtle contexts where you may find yourself seeking permission, even if you’re not aware of it. There are some things we seek permission for that are very cut and dry, such as asking to keep a dog. But there are more subtle, unwritten rules that we’re bound to, otherwise known as our interpersonal rules and norms.
A good example of this is a dress code. Sometimes a dress code is clearly stated, such as at a job or in a school. At other times, the proper way to dress is learned without being explicitly stated. There were probably clothes you owned as a teenager that you wouldn’t have worn around your grandparents -- I getting a talking to from an elderly aunt for wearing denim shorts on a Sunday! Unspoken, unwritten dress codes are often found in social groups, like, say, churches. There’s nothing that explicitly states the dress code. It’s something that you just know. And it’s not just religious gatherings: We see the same phenomenon in subcultures and other groups united around common beliefs and goals. Dress codes are an example of what I call a “permission program”. Let’s look at an example together to illustrate this. Becca, a new gym member, is looking forward to going to classes. She wears a t-shirt and black leggings to the gym and feels good about it. But when she shows up, everyone in class is clad in tight, brand name, colorful sportswear. Becca feels out of place, even though nobody says anything to her about her clothes. She feels under pressure to conform to the dress code of the group. Dress code is an example of our personal behavior coming into , and sometimes conflicting, with group behavior, and we can feel its impact, whether or not we dress according to the rules. As we bounce around the world, we absorb interpersonal permission from various places such as our family and peers, the gym, our places of faith , or our place of work. These are “permission programs,” or life scripts, that run in the background of our mind like an unseen program on a computer’s hard drive, and they affect our deep decisions and behavior. Although permission can be a positive and necessary thing, as we established earlier in the form of offering order, safety, and mutual respect, these scripts can be more pervasive. They can make up our core beliefs about ourselves as well as the world around us. This means that even though we may physically be in a different situation, the pressure we felt from past situations can activate within us and the decision made back then still informs how we act in the present and feel about our future. For instance, we take in information about what the people around us say about our behaviors, our likes, and our dislikes. Let’s say Tim loves the color red, but he never wears it. Why might that be? Is it because red doesn’t look good on him? Or is it because of comments from people around him or the things that they wear? Let’s dig deeper. Tim loves plants. He even waters the sad one at the office when
he can. He’s always loved plants and being outdoors. After visiting a garden center with his grandparents, his dream as a child was to one day own one of his own. He can still the smell of the earth and all the wonderful varieties of plants, of being surrounded by growing things and a feeling of life flourishing. He was never happier than pottering around with his grandpa in his greenhouse and shed. Nowadays, though, Tim doesn’t even own a house plant and works in an office block. Why is that? What’s the point of all this? There is a balance between cooperation and pressure by interpersonal permissions given or withheld by others. Turn to your notebook now and think about some things you’d like to do. Ask yourself what you’d really like to do? How long have you wanted that? Now ask yourself why you haven’t done it? What’s stopping you? This question isn’t to shame you, it’s to get you to explore what is going on behind the first answer that you gave. Dig deep-- it could be a permission program! Here’s an example of this exercise. Let’s say that I love to sing, and I’m constantly singing around my house. I’d love to a community choir, but I never do. Why? Because I don’t think I’m a good singer. Why do I think that? What is that assumption based on? The conclusion I might come to is that people laughed at me in the past when I sang, or that my father told me I was wasting my time, or that I don’t actually know how to sing well. Let’s look at those conclusions. Maybe the people who laughed at me when I sang were mean, but they won’t be at this community choir. It’s also not up to my dad to decide what I do in my free time. And maybe I don’t know the proper vocal technique, but I would learn that if I ed the choir. So, I can conclude that their permission isn’t valid or necessary and that I can give MYSELF permission. Overall, there are cases where the permission of others is not valid or necessary. In these cases, you have the right to give yourself permission. There is another subtle form of permission we find ourselves receiving in our everyday lives--opinions or advice. With the rise of social media, we now live in the age of the opinion. We are all encouraged to leave a ‘like’ or a comment and the right to give an opinion is enshrined in the public mind. We may have the right to give it, however it doesn’t mean that we have to automatically accept the
opinions of others. The author JRR Tolkein, once said of his critics, ‘Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their work, or of the kinds of writing they evidently prefer.’ The book he was referring to was the genre-defining classic, The Lord of the Rings. Tolkien famously refused to take this criticism to heart. He wasn’t interested in their writing, and certainly not in their opinions of his work. If he had taken the advice of his critics and effectively sought out his permission, he may have never published Lord of the Rings, and the face of our literary landscape would look very different today. And he would have stayed John Tolkein, an obscure Oxford professor. Like I said, advice constitutes another form of permission. So, how should you handle the advice that you’re given? For one thing, you should that not all advice is equal. You should weigh it all, no matter who it’s from. Think about the source and the motivation for giving the advice. What do they gain? Why are they telling you this? This is called a quality check-- you can do one of these next time, say, a random guy at the pub is trying to give you advice. As Dr David J Leiberman, an expert on human behaviour, puts it, ‘The reason that we often get poor advice is that it’s hard to find a person who always has our best interest at heart, isn’t envious in any way, and at no level thinks he knows what’s best for you.’ Good and bad advice can come from both trusted and unknown sources. What is most important is to do a quality check on advice before you let it influence your life, even that from experts or those close to you. However, no advice or opinion is ever unbiased. Asking for advice can be another form of permission-- it’s like seeking validation for your actions, decisions, or something you want. Why is this important to know? , you don’t have to dutifully absorb everything people say to you. When you’re deeply connected to a person or it’s from someone you look up to or in authority, it can be hard to view their opinions objectively. But you do have an option to just say, “no thank you.” You don’t even have to say it out loud. An internal “no thank you, I don’t accept that”
can be just as powerful. So, how do you do a quality check? There are three steps: evaluate motives, evaluate the source, and then make a choice. When assessing motives, ask yourself what your motives are for asking for advice. What are you looking to gain? Is it that you want their input on a project or that you lack the self-empowerment to move forward? Then, think about the motives of the giver. Do they have your best interests at heart? The source of the advice is important as well. Is the advice sound? Is it based on good information and based on an experience you either want to have or avoid? What qualifies the advice-giver to speak into your life? Do they have a relationship with you? Are they invested in you? Are they an expert or a teacher in this subject? All of these things are important to think about when assessing whether the source of this advice is credible and worthy of your time. Finally, you need to assess your choices. What choices do you have? We usually have more than we think. that you can always choose to accept or reject opinions and advice, even if you asked for it. Have you given away your power to make the decision? If so, You have the option of taking it back and giving yourself permission. This may be easier said than done, especially when those close to us have strong opinions about what we should or shouldn’t do. But we can do it, we can choose. Properly weighed advice or opinion can be very constructive; it can help us change our perspective, identify problems or challenges, and build our network. The key is to do a quality check and to have the courage to make our own decisions, and not allow the pressure from others to dictate and program our behaviour. Now, it’s time to put what we’ve learned into practice. Evaluate some recent advice you’ve been given using the quality check system. Write the advice, plus the motives, source, and choice involved down in your notebook. Next, I want you to write your evaluation of said advice. Is it good advice? Should you give yourself permission to not embrace it? Was it helpful? Since we’ve learned about permission programs, evaluating advice, and beginning to give ourselves permission, let’s move on to the next unit. I call this
one “Permission to Change” - it’s all about making big changes in your life. I’ll see you there!
2 Permission to Change
In this unit, we’ll talk about receiving and giving yourself permission to be yourself and do the things you want to achieve. Taken together, permission to be plus permission to do make permission to change. Before we jump into that, I’d like us to look at a prerequisite for change: choice. More specifically, choosing yourself. Can you think of a time when you wanted to be picked for something? Do you what it felt like to be picked? Do you what it felt like to be picked last or left still waiting and wanting? The consequences of waiting to be picked, of waiting to have our dreams, our desires, our SELVES, even, validated by others is that we may still be left on the side wanting, never fulfilling anything. Never actually being who we were made to be. I read this anonymous quote recently and it shook me awake. ”Somebody once told me the definition of hell: On your last day on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become” It shook me awake, and it shook the complacency right out of me with regards to being the person I was made to be.
Personally, even though it is just an illustration, I would want to be able to meet myself with a big smile. In fact, I don’t want to wait until my last breath to do that, I want to be able to do that every day. I want to look at myself and smile. Well, maybe it’s time to do things differently. ‘I realised,’ says Jeff Goins, an author and speaker, ‘no-one is going to come and pick me. I am going to have to pick myself.’ It’s an idea from him that I took to heart. Pick myself – not waiting for someone else to say what I can be or do or that I’m enough. That changed me. It may be that if we pick ourselves, and start living in a way that empowers ourselves, that is more ourself, some people won’t like it. In fact, I can guarantee it. Sad but true. In general, people don’t like change. If we begin to change, it challenges them, maybe even makes their world wobble a bit and makes them feel insecure. But, what we looked at in the previous sections about advice and opinions. Cooperation is important, but unless it’s life, death, or taxes (laws or doctors), the opinions of others are just that – their opinions. It belongs to them and not you. You have a choice about whether you accept it or not. Your choice, their opinion. Their opinion is separate from you and your choice. J R R Tolkien, Jeff Goins, Oprah, George Lucas, me...what have we all got in common? We made the decision to ‘pick ourselves’. No more being left out or being overlooked, no more waiting to have what we do or who we are recognised by someone so we can start making progress. But actually, I am just like you, and if I can pick myself and empower myself for positive change in my life, then you can too. Choose wisely and choose yourself. Another one of my favourite quotes is from the irrepressible Oscar Wilde: ‘Be yourself. Everyone else is taken’ We are often given the advice to “just be yourself”, which sounds so easy, so
simple. But do you think it actually is? Do you think you truly know your authentic self? We often hide the parts of ourselves that we feel others will not accept. This is because of the pressure to conform we receive from family, community, media, and society-- it’s immense. Some of these norms are good for us. But in many cases, it’s just others dictating to us how we should be. If I asked you who you are, what would you say? It might be a name, number, job title, family role...it’s a tough question. By defining others or ourselves through this understanding, we risk stereotyping and could miss who they, or we, really are. There is a much better way of getting to know others, as well as ourselves. Ask, “what do you like to do? What stirs you? What’s in your heart?” Who we truly are is often expressed via our dreams, desires, and interests. Humans are complex! that line about ogres having layers in Shrek? They’re not the only ones. There is the you that the world sees; the you that you want the world to see; the you that you think you are; and finally, the you that is really you. What does this have to do with permission? Simply put, it takes courage to be yourself. Sometimes people’s true selves are squashed because it doesn’t fit in with the desires of others-- it’s common for people to deny permission to others to be themselves. , permission from others can form into a “permission program,” and you might feel that you’ve never had permission to be yourself, so it takes great courage to do so. I’m sorry that there have been times in your life when people have not given you permission to be you. I’m sorry that you have been treated in a way that has meant that you have hidden or distanced yourself from parts of who you are. So what is the alternative? Well, it’s not about grand, extravagant gestures. It’s just about practicing sincerity in the way that you live. It’s about reclaiming the permission to be yourself that you may have given away. The first step in doing this is to identify those areas where you may have given that permission away. Take your notebook and some time out and Ask yourself these questions: How comfortable am I being myself? Are there areas in my life where I am not true to myself? “What’s my superpower?”; “What have I always loved doing?”; “What comes naturally to me?”; and “What do I keep hidden?”
The point here is to meet yourself, then give yourself permission to be yourself. Maybe you are kind — kindness is your superpower — but you don’t want to seem weak at work. Be kind. You can be strong and kind. You can also work toward self-empowerment and a declaration of permission by thinking about the areas where you want to be yourself that go against other’s opinions of what you should be like. For example, let’s see how I answered some similar questions. The last book I read was a Young Adult steampunk, and I loved it. I’m a huge word nerd-- I get excited about stories and creativity. I don’t want to have a supermodel figure. I have stretch marks from my pregnancies and I’m proud of them. I get excited about business, marketing, and entrepreneurship because I think they’re fun! This is who I am. Maybe you’re not very impressed with the things that I have just declared. But I’ve found that these seemingly small declarations are very powerful. Then,when it comes to seemingly larger acceptances and declarations, they are easier to make and the shift within yourself is so much smoother, and we make progress easier, faster, and more efficiently.
Your turn now! And please that the progress is in the process. It’s not an exam, there are no points for a correct answer. Have fun with it! The last part of your homework is to mention one in conversation with at least 2 people in the next week, say it verbally not typed or written. Saying it to another person is affirming, strengthening, and releasing for you. I’d like to share another quote that has moved me, if I may. This time from T. E Lawrence. He says, “All men dream, but not equally. Those that dream at night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that is was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible” Being who or what you want to be is great-- but you can’t be something without doing something about it. If a writer doesn’t write or a teacher doesn’t teach, what are they? Well, probably unemployed. But I digress. If you believe yourself to be something but don’t back it up with what you do, that’s just wishful thinking. There will be tension within yourself between what you want to be and your reality.
We’ve made great progress looking at giving ourselves permission to be. The next part of the equation is the bridge that makes it reality-- the doing. You’ll want to focus specifically on what you can do, and not what you can’t. Above all, you’ll want to make progress, give yourself permission to do, and survive the process. Dreaming with your eyes open is dangerous because it causes change, because it is effective!Let’s get started. Be prepared to make changes. Change happens gradually and with consistency. Here’s an example from my own life. I going into hospital for intense physiotherapy. They started me off doing one exercise an hour. It wasn’t that bad. Then they increased it little by little. It became more intense, but I made good solid progress. If they had started me out at the level they wanted me to get to, I would have just collapsed into mush on the floor! This applies to implementing any kind of change or learning a new skill. We master the easy stuff, then we “level up”. If you want to be an author, you can give yourself permission to do so. But doing that doesn’t mean that you get to ignore your day job and chain yourself to a keyboard. Such big leaps can land you in trouble. If this is your goal, take stock of what you CAN do. For example, you could start a journal, read about writing, do a creative writing course, or simply start writing. Downsizing tasks and goals to make small progress is the key, sometimes referred to as the Lego Brick technique. Break down goals and tasks as small as you can go and then schedule in time to do them. It helps to effectively combat procrastination and feeling overwhelmed. , the progress is the process. The important thing here isn’t to tick small tasks off the list. It’s to build good habits and progress that will last. If you truly want fast progress you will commit to making small but efficient changes in your life. This stops you yo-yoing between success and failure and creates a solid foundation to build on. You can try setting “SMART” goals to achieve this. S.M.A.R.T, it’s an acronym.These are goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-related. This is a common outline used for goal setting. If you need a structure to help you set goals, it’s a good place to start.
For every action, there is a reaction. Not quite Newton’s Law, but as we enact change in our lives, we will get a reaction. This may be positive or it could be negative. Unfortunately, some people do not respond well to change. For example, let’s say Aaron wants to be healthier, so he decides to give up smoking. Some people in his life are relieved and happy for him. Others, perhaps those that he used to smoke with, feel unsure that Aaron will still accept their behavior. Maybe they’re afraid he’ll react negatively to them now. I wouldn’t suggest that Aaron pander to his friends’ insecurities, but maybe he could find other ways or places to be around them that don’t involve smoking. You should be wise about how you share your progress. You don’t HAVE to share it with anyone that you don’t wish to share it with. Once you share with others, do a quality check on their response to it . that you are not under any obligation to honor advice or opinions. We can say ‘thanks, no thanks’, the important thing is to remain faithful to yourself. Above all, enjoy the process, the progress, and the success. When faced with how far it looks like we have to go, it can be easy to forget how far we’ve come and what we’ve already accomplished. to journal and reflect, celebrate your progress and accomplishments, and enjoy the journey. Now, let’s do an exercise. I’d like for you to take out your journal and set some SMART goals that will help you on your way to becoming the person you want to be or move towards something you want to achieve. For example, some SMART goals for putting up a website could include identifying twenty products for the site by the end of the week and completing a short introductory course on WordPress. These goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timerelated. Make sure the goals you set have all these qualities. A goal such as “look online for articles on how to run a website” is not specific, measurable, or tied to time, so it’s not an efficient goal. Set as many goals as you think are reasonable for you. In the next unit, we’ll be talking about permission to fail and succeed. When you’re ready, listen on.
3 Permission to Fail and Succeed
In this unit, we’ll cover giving yourself permission to both fail and succeed in your goals. We have ideas about success and failure built into us, so it can be helpful to evaluate them. Let’s begin. Most of us are conditioned early on to avoid or fear failure. Nobody WANTS to fail, but it happens sometimes. Doors close, we make bad decisions, or we end up dealing with the bad decisions of others. We’re right to fear failure. I would question the sanity of anyone who didn’t have a healthy respect for the consequences of failure, no one should shout ‘yippee ki yay’ and run headlong into something without consideration for different outcomes. That’s not courage, that’s stupidity. But this fear of failure can block progress in our lives and impede our goals. It can cause anxiety, stress, reluctance to try new things, procrastination, negative expectations, negative self-talk, and perfectionism. None of these things are conducive to your goals. Fears can appear to be more serious than they are. They’re usually little more than a bad mental and emotional habit. That’s good news because habits can be reset! You don’t need to let the past sabotage the present or dictate your future. So, let’s attempt a reset. Failure is a matter of perspective. Our failure will not cause any catastrophes. that negative emotions intensify the catastrophic feeling of failure. When we fail, we can either give up and give in to the feeling, or we can view what happened as a learning experience. If you don’t give yourself permission to fail you won’t go anywhere at all. Confucious got it right when he said, ‘Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall’ The fallout from failure can still be painful, but always be real with yourself about what’s happening. If you begin to let your emotions lead you, you’ll just
react without thinking or reason. The choices you make when you purely react aren’t always the best choices. The alternative to reacting is to respond-- feel your emotions, yes, but don’t let them be the basis of your choices. To move past the fear of failure, you need to have a clear look at things. Think of fear as a bad habit with a loud hailer. You want to turn down the volume on it. Here’s how. First, analyze the outcomes practically. Remove your fear by looking at all the possible outcomes of a decision. For many people, it’s fear of the unknown that immobilizes them. Remove that fear by looking at all possible outcomes of a decision, even facing up to your worst-case scenario. This will allow you to plan, or get a clearer look in the rational light of day. You should be prepared and do your homework. After analyzing your outcomes, having a plan B (and maybe C and D too) can help you move forward. Second, try to be positive. We have so much power to reprogram our negative habits. Catch yourself when you say negative things to yourself, and don’t let yourself get away with it. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend or to a child, don’t say it to yourself. By just changing one thing that I say to myself I can boost my positivity and empower my mindset for change and freedom. Just one thing! A note by the mirror or a reminder on my phone can nourish my self-belief and diminish my fears. , fear is a bad habit with a loud hailer. I’ve had my own fears about failing too. Maybe I sound to you like I have it all together - but I’m not titanium! I want my courses to go well. I worry that no one will like my courses, that my geeky website will be a waste of time and money both resources in my house! I worried about failing as a parent: a life coach with kids that has wrestled with depression or life direction - what a failure! Or that I haven’t set a good enough example for them or ed them enough because I was working… man, the list is never-ending and I could become buried under all the things on it IF I let it dictate my life and my choices. When you crash and burn, you can become a phoenix. If people don’t like my courses, that’s not on me. Does that mean I’ve wasted all my time and effort in producing them? No. It’s just that no one can please everyone all the time, that would be an unrealistic expectation. the Tolkien quote? It is their opinion and I have a choice as to whether I take it into myself or not.
Above all, the trick is to respond rather than react, and turn down the volume on the loud hailer of failure so you can give yourself permission to fail...and then get back up again. Now, what about success? Success and how you welcome it is something else entirely. You’ll need to give yourself permission to succeed as well as to fail. Why is this? That’s a good question. Surely we all want success in our life, right? Well...not exactly. As Hugh Macleod points out, success is more complex than failure, and we can fear success without even realizing it. It may sound strange, but it affects many of us. There are many classic signs of fearing success. Let’s go over a few. Not completing projects and then stressing about it is a big one. This can be at work or home. Maybe you feel guilty that things that “needed doing” didn’t get done. Another is talking more than doing. This one tends to go something like this: “I want to lose some weight, get fitter. They have some great classes at the sports center… So, did you one?...No, not yet. I‘m still thinking about it”. It happens to the best of us. Another sign is multitasking on several projects at once without really focusing or completing them. This is chicken mode, where we peck away at several things at once. We can rationalize this in many ways, but it’s a classic sign of fearing success. What about dreaming but not doing? You know what your dreams are but are not progressing to see them become a reality. They are all still stuck like photos on a pinboard. Yet another sign is doubting and second-guessing yourself. This is especially harmful if you do it often, or as projects near completion. Some people will procrastinate and get distracted. This is very common, and nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a common anxiety or fear response. Feelings of inadequacy may also arise if you’re afraid of success. This can be in regards to work or yourself. Self-doubt or low self-esteem can be cruel, but it doesn’t have to be the king of our lives. The final sign is things falling apart on the threshold of success. The people
around you suddenly all become incompetent nincompoops, glaringly obvious mistakes have been missed, you’re touchy, stressed, you say something stupid in a meeting, it’s like something is doing its best to sabotage you. It might well be your subconscious. We all want success, however we define it. But our subconscious doesn’t always get the memo and can sabotage our efforts without us realizing it. But , worries and fears are like bad habits, and habits can be changed. Healthy fear is not the enemy-- fear can also mean deep respect or consideration for something. We’re told not to “give in to fear” and functionally ignore it. But that doesn’t work. It’s better to take an intentional look at your concerns as they start raising alarms. That way, the alarms don’t keep going off. Now, let’s look at how to handle some of our anxieties surrounding success. Will success eat your time and energy or give you more responsibilities? Possibly. But this takes time. If your fears about success come from a fear of being able to cope with new responsibilities, be practical. Plan for the practical considerations of your dream. See if you can outsource or delegate. Be prepared and know in advance what success will look like, and have a timeline for when you might achieve it. This allows you the space to adapt and change. ‘Overnight successes’ usually take plenty of time coming. And finally, be positive. You might be anxious about this because you feel like you’re not “whatever enough” for the role, but please : you are. Try to keep that in mind. Scared of standing out? It could happen if you achieve your goals . Being the focus of someone else’s attention can feel a vulnerable place, especially if we worry about what people may say. If this freaks you out, that it’s their opinion, and you’re not obligated to take it on yourself. For every person who is negative there will be many others who will celebrate your change and success with you. You will also inspire others on their journey. It also helps to let go of preconceived ideas and stereotypes you might have about successful people. Personal change causes the status quo of others in your life to wobble a bit, which can be distressing-- but it’s YOUR life. Live it how you see fit. Maybe you’ll feel guilty that others don’t have your opportunities for success, so you play it down or worry about jealousy. Does this benefit you or anyone else around you? Probably not. what Marianne Williamson said: playing small doesn’t do anyone any good. You owe it to yourself and those around you
to grant yourself permission to succeed. Others may not like it, but that’s ultimately their loss. In the next unit, I’ll run you through how to give yourself permission to launch and to give. See you there!
4 Permission to Launch and Permission to Give
What do I mean by “the power of permission,” anyway? The power of permission rests in the perceived necessity of getting permission to do the thing that we want to do: launch. There’s always intention and energy behind a launch and the hope of a desired outcome. You need permission to go for it. Giving yourself permission to launch is bringing everything in this course together. It is permission to be who you are, to do what you believe you want to do, and to fail and succeed. Permission to launch is the action of doing all of this at once. Every time I see an eagle, I wonder: how many times has this creature launched itself into flight? You may only launch a space rocket a few times, but the eagle launches itself out to fly again and again, stretching out its wings to soar and see new heights. That’s what I want for you. I’ll be honest, sometimes I don’t feel like a majestic and powerful eagle. I feel more like a tired pigeon. But I would rather feel like a tired pigeon than be a chicken that can only flap about and peck the dirt. The thing is, the eagle is made to do what it does. Yes, it has to learn how to do it and there will always be effort called for to do it well. But it is glorious when it does. We’ve talked a lot about permission programs, permission to do, and success and failure in this course. But how can you take the step of giving yourself permission? Change and empowerment start with a decision and then putting that decision into action. Sometimes, this will be a one-off decision in action, or it could be a continual choice. If you exercise once, for example, that’s not enough to reap the benefits. However, continual exercise WOULD give you those benefits. The same principle applies for mental or lifestyle changes. You first have to decide to give yourself permission. Here are some practical tips for self-empowerment that I’ve discovered. First off, don’t try everything at once; We talked before about steady, efficient progress
being better than switching between success and falling down. It may be that what you want to work on presents itself quite naturally. If that’s not the case,try the 13 x 4 system developed by Ben Franklin. As a young man, he identified 13 ‘virtues’ that he wanted to see in himself and his work. Realizing that it wasn’t wise to try and change everything at once, he would focus on one virtue a week: to understand it better and actively practice it. All other things he would leave to work out as they might. The following week, he would concentrate on a different virtue. When he had completed his 13 virtues, he would begin the cycle again. 13 x 4 is 52, and there are 52 weeks in one year. This means he was able to practice each virtue four times a year. It’s a simple and yet efficient way to consistently bring about change in your life. Secondly, that The progress is in the process. In our worship of efficiency in today’s culture, we often forget the value of the process. Life is so much more than a series of goals or a whistle-stop tour of destinations. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. All we have is the gift of the present, so enjoy your life. Choose to live it and not let it whizz past in a succession of obligations and things ticked off your to-do list. Never mind the greenfly, smell the roses! However, as with our physical bodies, sometimes psychological, emotional, or lifestyle changes can need some extra time to be effective. Once we have identified the area for change and the diagnosis, we have our decision or treatment. It’s great when we make that decision or treatment and we see progress right away. At the times when we don’t, it doesn’t mean that we’ve failed, or that we didn’t do it right, it may just mean that the outworking may take some time, like having physiotherapy. That way, our growth will be strong and healthy. Nobody wants to progress with a limp. We want to walk tall. ability and are important in this process. Being able is about making sure that you act with integrity. ability partners are a good way to do this. An ability partner is someone who knows what your goals are and how you are trying to achieve them and helps to keep you on track. You might find one by ing a group for this exact purpose, one aligned with your goal. Hold yourself able as much as you possibly can, journalling is a good way to do this. Being able to yourself helps to build your self
confidence. However, there’s no shame in getting a little outside help and you can help empower each other. Be gracious to yourself. Give yourself grace when you mess up, and if you keep repeating errors, take a look at why. If it’s something within your control, try and remove or solve the problem causing you to fall down.. Maybe we need to remove temptation and distraction (or excuses). Maybe we had an impossible expectation of ourselves in the first place. This is one area where a partner on your quest is worth their weight in gold. Another person’s insight into our situation can reveal a fresh perspective for us, and with that fresh perspective can come fresh solutions. to celebrate progress and successes. Be proud of your progress, and don’t let anyone rob you of that. Each milestone that you reach is significant. Comparison is the thief of joy, so to focus on yourself and your own goals instead of the accomplishments of others. Be glad for others, be encouraged that if they can do it you can do it, but please don’t let comparing yourself with others bring you down or rob you of your pride in what you have achieved. Personal development is personal by nature, but you can’t help but affect the people around you. Not everyone is interested in what you’re doing, and of course, you have a choice in who you share your progress with. But people will notice when you’re doing better or behaving in a new way. We talked earlier about how others may be affected by change, but ideally, we want to inspire others. It may be that you have found great freedom and feel super fired up about the area of yourself that you’re working on and the progress you feel you’ve made. I understand how you feel. I love to share good news! We don’t hear enough good news in my opinion. However, I would be sensitive as to who I shared my personal journey with. Over-zealous enthusiasm can actually put people off, but it can be good to share with like-minded people or trusted friends. Empowering yourself also empowers others. Being your true self and living your true purpose in life is one of the most unselfish things we can do: we become a gift to the world. Let’s do one more exercise together. I want you to take out your notebook and make a decision to give yourself permission to achieve a goal. Write this goal down, and then detail the process of achieving it. What do you want to achieve? How can you start putting it into action? You can use what you write as an action
plan or reminder of what you are trying to achieve. We’re almost done!
Afterword
I’m so glad that you’ve made it all the way to the end of this course. We’ve talked about so much for the past hour or so-- so let’s recap. First, we learned about permission programs and how they affect us and our decisions. We discussed how to view advice and opinions from others and discard the things that don’t matter. You can give yourself permission! Then we talked about giving ourselves specifically the permission to change. We looked at how we can figure out what we actually want to do, and then begin our progress journey. Next, we talked about failure and success, and how both can be intimidating. I gave you some tips on how to give yourself permission to both fail and succeed along your journey towards your goals. Finally, we talked about permission to launch and to give. I talked through how to actually give yourself permission and take steps towards self-empowerment. And now, we’re here! I hope this course has given you some useful tools for moving forward into the life that you want for yourself. If you’re interested in learning more, you can find me on my website, katepennell.net. I’m also on Medium with more personal growth content. Just search for my name-- Kate Pennell. Once again, thank you for ing me on this course from Scribd Coach, it has been a pleasure. I hope to see you again in one of my other personal growth courses. Until next time!
About the Author
Kate Pennell is a teacher, speaker, writer, creative, and certified life coach with a ion for helping others discover what truly makes them come alive and work that out in their lives. Kate has been following the path of personal and lifestyle development for years. She loves people, nature, and creativity. To find more from Kate Pennell, find her on Udemy, Medium, or her website, katepennell.net.
Table of Contents
Cover Title Page Copyright About Scribd Coach Introduction 1. Permission Requested 2. Permission to Change 3. Permission to Fail and Succeed 4. Permission to Launch and Permission to Give Afterword About the Author
Landmarks
Cover Copyright Beginning
Letting Yourself Change, Fail, Succeed, Launch, and Live to the Fullest
Kate Pennell
Copyright © 2021 by Kate Pennell
All rights reserved
ISBN: 9781094426488
First e-book edition: July 2021
Scribd, Inc.
San Francisco, California
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About Scribd Coach
This ebook is brought to you by Scribd Coach, a new imprint from Scribd dedicated to short-form, inclusive, and insightful personal and professional growth courses written by recognized experts. Each Scribd Coach course is available in audiobook format or as an ebook transcribed from the audio course — like the book you’re about to read. If you’re interested in the audio edition of this course, or if you’d like to read more personal growth content from Scribd Coach, check out the Scribd Coach imprint page. You can share your thoughts on this title by rating and leaving a review on the book page. Thanks for reading — enjoy!
Introduction
Hello, and welcome to “The Power of Permission: Letting Yourself Change, Fail, Succeed, Launch, and Live to the Fullest,” an audio course from Scribd Coach. I’m Kate Pennell, and I will be your guide through this journey. Our whole lives, we’ve had to get permission before we can do what we want. First, we had to ask our parents, then our teachers, and sometimes peers and friends. As we age, we become more independent, but we still have to get permission for certain things-- at work, from official bodies and organizations, from the government, and maybe even our partners. Unfortunately, we can become so accustomed to needing outside permission that when we make a decision for ourselves, we can feel like we need verification from others. Permission from others is a powerful thing; but what if we could give permission to ourselves as well? What if we could tap into the power of permission to enhance our lives? I don’t know about you, but I get discouraged and frustrated when I see what I want to achieve but feel powerless to move forward. Understanding the power of permission is one way of unlocking your power to make that progress. This course is about equipping you with the skills and confidence to do just that. My hope is that this course will offer you a better understanding of how the dynamic of permission works and ultimately better empower you to make the progress in your life that you want to make. We’ll introduce the power that permission has in our lives, both from others and from ourselves. We will discover how that power factors into our decision-making and affects our level of success and satisfaction. Plus, we’ll examine how giving ourselves permission releases us in our growth as a person, how it can help us make progress toward our potential best, and how the outworking of that permission affects those around us. I’ll be using practical examples throughout the course to illustrate these concepts better. It’s much easier to learn from someone else’s successes
and failures, after all! I’ll also offer exercises throughout the course. I recommend that you have a designated notebook ready to complete exercises and record your thoughts throughout the course. Don’t worry, No psych degree is needed here! This course is meant to be a practical catalyst for developing your self-awareness and getting results. This course is for you if you want to see how old habits can undermine your progress and learn how to be free of them. It’s also helpful if you want to feel better equipped to make decisions towards your personal and professional goals. You’ll also benefit from this course if you want to develop greater self and interpersonal awareness. How did I learn all this great information? Well, I’m a certified life coach, youth and community worker, speaker, and now I’m in the field of personal development. I have been following the path of personal development for years. I understand how steps on this road can feel and what they cost, but I also know how it feels to give yourself permission to launch and begin to fly as you were made to do. It has been my privilege over the years to help people unpack their lifestyle, dreams, desires, and direction. One of the keys I have found for making effective progress has been understanding the power of permission in our lives and unlocking my own power to make the progress that I want to make. Here I am, and here you are. I look forward to walking with you on your journey to unlock the power of permission and enact change for yourself. Let’s get started with the first unit - we’ll call it “Permission Requested.”
1 Permission Requested
As we’ve established, throughout our lives we are required to get permission from various people and entities. Getting used to needing permission can make us feel like we need permission for everything we do in our lives. By taking the power back that we have left outside ourselves, we can make better decisions free of guilt or insecurity. We can build ourselves up from the inside out. However, Permission isn’t intrinsically bad; in fact, it can be a good thing! Permission helps ensure cooperation between people and the safety and wellbeing of our society. For instance, I need a license if I want to drive, a permit if I want to fish-- and woe betide the sibling who takes without asking! Think about how many times over, say, the last two years you’ve asked for permission. Maybe you got a visa, a building permit, a library card, a hip , Facebook group acceptance, or just interpersonal permission from people in your life for everyday things. The upside or purpose of having to ask permission in society is to guarantee order, safety, and mutual respect. The downside is the negative effect it can have on your self-motivation and empowerment. What if you want to start a personal journey of discovery and change, then? You wouldn’t need official permission for something like that. But having a “permission program” running unseen in the hard drive of your head is bound to affect your life. In this unit, we’ll evaluate exactly how that happens and why. We’ll talk about the importance of permission-- the role it plays in your life, plus some subtle contexts where you may find yourself seeking permission, even if you’re not aware of it. There are some things we seek permission for that are very cut and dry, such as asking to keep a dog. But there are more subtle, unwritten rules that we’re bound to, otherwise known as our interpersonal rules and norms.
A good example of this is a dress code. Sometimes a dress code is clearly stated, such as at a job or in a school. At other times, the proper way to dress is learned without being explicitly stated. There were probably clothes you owned as a teenager that you wouldn’t have worn around your grandparents -- I getting a talking to from an elderly aunt for wearing denim shorts on a Sunday! Unspoken, unwritten dress codes are often found in social groups, like, say, churches. There’s nothing that explicitly states the dress code. It’s something that you just know. And it’s not just religious gatherings: We see the same phenomenon in subcultures and other groups united around common beliefs and goals. Dress codes are an example of what I call a “permission program”. Let’s look at an example together to illustrate this. Becca, a new gym member, is looking forward to going to classes. She wears a t-shirt and black leggings to the gym and feels good about it. But when she shows up, everyone in class is clad in tight, brand name, colorful sportswear. Becca feels out of place, even though nobody says anything to her about her clothes. She feels under pressure to conform to the dress code of the group. Dress code is an example of our personal behavior coming into , and sometimes conflicting, with group behavior, and we can feel its impact, whether or not we dress according to the rules. As we bounce around the world, we absorb interpersonal permission from various places such as our family and peers, the gym, our places of faith , or our place of work. These are “permission programs,” or life scripts, that run in the background of our mind like an unseen program on a computer’s hard drive, and they affect our deep decisions and behavior. Although permission can be a positive and necessary thing, as we established earlier in the form of offering order, safety, and mutual respect, these scripts can be more pervasive. They can make up our core beliefs about ourselves as well as the world around us. This means that even though we may physically be in a different situation, the pressure we felt from past situations can activate within us and the decision made back then still informs how we act in the present and feel about our future. For instance, we take in information about what the people around us say about our behaviors, our likes, and our dislikes. Let’s say Tim loves the color red, but he never wears it. Why might that be? Is it because red doesn’t look good on him? Or is it because of comments from people around him or the things that they wear? Let’s dig deeper. Tim loves plants. He even waters the sad one at the office when
he can. He’s always loved plants and being outdoors. After visiting a garden center with his grandparents, his dream as a child was to one day own one of his own. He can still the smell of the earth and all the wonderful varieties of plants, of being surrounded by growing things and a feeling of life flourishing. He was never happier than pottering around with his grandpa in his greenhouse and shed. Nowadays, though, Tim doesn’t even own a house plant and works in an office block. Why is that? What’s the point of all this? There is a balance between cooperation and pressure by interpersonal permissions given or withheld by others. Turn to your notebook now and think about some things you’d like to do. Ask yourself what you’d really like to do? How long have you wanted that? Now ask yourself why you haven’t done it? What’s stopping you? This question isn’t to shame you, it’s to get you to explore what is going on behind the first answer that you gave. Dig deep-- it could be a permission program! Here’s an example of this exercise. Let’s say that I love to sing, and I’m constantly singing around my house. I’d love to a community choir, but I never do. Why? Because I don’t think I’m a good singer. Why do I think that? What is that assumption based on? The conclusion I might come to is that people laughed at me in the past when I sang, or that my father told me I was wasting my time, or that I don’t actually know how to sing well. Let’s look at those conclusions. Maybe the people who laughed at me when I sang were mean, but they won’t be at this community choir. It’s also not up to my dad to decide what I do in my free time. And maybe I don’t know the proper vocal technique, but I would learn that if I ed the choir. So, I can conclude that their permission isn’t valid or necessary and that I can give MYSELF permission. Overall, there are cases where the permission of others is not valid or necessary. In these cases, you have the right to give yourself permission. There is another subtle form of permission we find ourselves receiving in our everyday lives--opinions or advice. With the rise of social media, we now live in the age of the opinion. We are all encouraged to leave a ‘like’ or a comment and the right to give an opinion is enshrined in the public mind. We may have the right to give it, however it doesn’t mean that we have to automatically accept the
opinions of others. The author JRR Tolkein, once said of his critics, ‘Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their work, or of the kinds of writing they evidently prefer.’ The book he was referring to was the genre-defining classic, The Lord of the Rings. Tolkien famously refused to take this criticism to heart. He wasn’t interested in their writing, and certainly not in their opinions of his work. If he had taken the advice of his critics and effectively sought out his permission, he may have never published Lord of the Rings, and the face of our literary landscape would look very different today. And he would have stayed John Tolkein, an obscure Oxford professor. Like I said, advice constitutes another form of permission. So, how should you handle the advice that you’re given? For one thing, you should that not all advice is equal. You should weigh it all, no matter who it’s from. Think about the source and the motivation for giving the advice. What do they gain? Why are they telling you this? This is called a quality check-- you can do one of these next time, say, a random guy at the pub is trying to give you advice. As Dr David J Leiberman, an expert on human behaviour, puts it, ‘The reason that we often get poor advice is that it’s hard to find a person who always has our best interest at heart, isn’t envious in any way, and at no level thinks he knows what’s best for you.’ Good and bad advice can come from both trusted and unknown sources. What is most important is to do a quality check on advice before you let it influence your life, even that from experts or those close to you. However, no advice or opinion is ever unbiased. Asking for advice can be another form of permission-- it’s like seeking validation for your actions, decisions, or something you want. Why is this important to know? , you don’t have to dutifully absorb everything people say to you. When you’re deeply connected to a person or it’s from someone you look up to or in authority, it can be hard to view their opinions objectively. But you do have an option to just say, “no thank you.” You don’t even have to say it out loud. An internal “no thank you, I don’t accept that”
can be just as powerful. So, how do you do a quality check? There are three steps: evaluate motives, evaluate the source, and then make a choice. When assessing motives, ask yourself what your motives are for asking for advice. What are you looking to gain? Is it that you want their input on a project or that you lack the self-empowerment to move forward? Then, think about the motives of the giver. Do they have your best interests at heart? The source of the advice is important as well. Is the advice sound? Is it based on good information and based on an experience you either want to have or avoid? What qualifies the advice-giver to speak into your life? Do they have a relationship with you? Are they invested in you? Are they an expert or a teacher in this subject? All of these things are important to think about when assessing whether the source of this advice is credible and worthy of your time. Finally, you need to assess your choices. What choices do you have? We usually have more than we think. that you can always choose to accept or reject opinions and advice, even if you asked for it. Have you given away your power to make the decision? If so, You have the option of taking it back and giving yourself permission. This may be easier said than done, especially when those close to us have strong opinions about what we should or shouldn’t do. But we can do it, we can choose. Properly weighed advice or opinion can be very constructive; it can help us change our perspective, identify problems or challenges, and build our network. The key is to do a quality check and to have the courage to make our own decisions, and not allow the pressure from others to dictate and program our behaviour. Now, it’s time to put what we’ve learned into practice. Evaluate some recent advice you’ve been given using the quality check system. Write the advice, plus the motives, source, and choice involved down in your notebook. Next, I want you to write your evaluation of said advice. Is it good advice? Should you give yourself permission to not embrace it? Was it helpful? Since we’ve learned about permission programs, evaluating advice, and beginning to give ourselves permission, let’s move on to the next unit. I call this
one “Permission to Change” - it’s all about making big changes in your life. I’ll see you there!
2 Permission to Change
In this unit, we’ll talk about receiving and giving yourself permission to be yourself and do the things you want to achieve. Taken together, permission to be plus permission to do make permission to change. Before we jump into that, I’d like us to look at a prerequisite for change: choice. More specifically, choosing yourself. Can you think of a time when you wanted to be picked for something? Do you what it felt like to be picked? Do you what it felt like to be picked last or left still waiting and wanting? The consequences of waiting to be picked, of waiting to have our dreams, our desires, our SELVES, even, validated by others is that we may still be left on the side wanting, never fulfilling anything. Never actually being who we were made to be. I read this anonymous quote recently and it shook me awake. ”Somebody once told me the definition of hell: On your last day on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become” It shook me awake, and it shook the complacency right out of me with regards to being the person I was made to be.
Personally, even though it is just an illustration, I would want to be able to meet myself with a big smile. In fact, I don’t want to wait until my last breath to do that, I want to be able to do that every day. I want to look at myself and smile. Well, maybe it’s time to do things differently. ‘I realised,’ says Jeff Goins, an author and speaker, ‘no-one is going to come and pick me. I am going to have to pick myself.’ It’s an idea from him that I took to heart. Pick myself – not waiting for someone else to say what I can be or do or that I’m enough. That changed me. It may be that if we pick ourselves, and start living in a way that empowers ourselves, that is more ourself, some people won’t like it. In fact, I can guarantee it. Sad but true. In general, people don’t like change. If we begin to change, it challenges them, maybe even makes their world wobble a bit and makes them feel insecure. But, what we looked at in the previous sections about advice and opinions. Cooperation is important, but unless it’s life, death, or taxes (laws or doctors), the opinions of others are just that – their opinions. It belongs to them and not you. You have a choice about whether you accept it or not. Your choice, their opinion. Their opinion is separate from you and your choice. J R R Tolkien, Jeff Goins, Oprah, George Lucas, me...what have we all got in common? We made the decision to ‘pick ourselves’. No more being left out or being overlooked, no more waiting to have what we do or who we are recognised by someone so we can start making progress. But actually, I am just like you, and if I can pick myself and empower myself for positive change in my life, then you can too. Choose wisely and choose yourself. Another one of my favourite quotes is from the irrepressible Oscar Wilde: ‘Be yourself. Everyone else is taken’ We are often given the advice to “just be yourself”, which sounds so easy, so
simple. But do you think it actually is? Do you think you truly know your authentic self? We often hide the parts of ourselves that we feel others will not accept. This is because of the pressure to conform we receive from family, community, media, and society-- it’s immense. Some of these norms are good for us. But in many cases, it’s just others dictating to us how we should be. If I asked you who you are, what would you say? It might be a name, number, job title, family role...it’s a tough question. By defining others or ourselves through this understanding, we risk stereotyping and could miss who they, or we, really are. There is a much better way of getting to know others, as well as ourselves. Ask, “what do you like to do? What stirs you? What’s in your heart?” Who we truly are is often expressed via our dreams, desires, and interests. Humans are complex! that line about ogres having layers in Shrek? They’re not the only ones. There is the you that the world sees; the you that you want the world to see; the you that you think you are; and finally, the you that is really you. What does this have to do with permission? Simply put, it takes courage to be yourself. Sometimes people’s true selves are squashed because it doesn’t fit in with the desires of others-- it’s common for people to deny permission to others to be themselves. , permission from others can form into a “permission program,” and you might feel that you’ve never had permission to be yourself, so it takes great courage to do so. I’m sorry that there have been times in your life when people have not given you permission to be you. I’m sorry that you have been treated in a way that has meant that you have hidden or distanced yourself from parts of who you are. So what is the alternative? Well, it’s not about grand, extravagant gestures. It’s just about practicing sincerity in the way that you live. It’s about reclaiming the permission to be yourself that you may have given away. The first step in doing this is to identify those areas where you may have given that permission away. Take your notebook and some time out and Ask yourself these questions: How comfortable am I being myself? Are there areas in my life where I am not true to myself? “What’s my superpower?”; “What have I always loved doing?”; “What comes naturally to me?”; and “What do I keep hidden?”
The point here is to meet yourself, then give yourself permission to be yourself. Maybe you are kind — kindness is your superpower — but you don’t want to seem weak at work. Be kind. You can be strong and kind. You can also work toward self-empowerment and a declaration of permission by thinking about the areas where you want to be yourself that go against other’s opinions of what you should be like. For example, let’s see how I answered some similar questions. The last book I read was a Young Adult steampunk, and I loved it. I’m a huge word nerd-- I get excited about stories and creativity. I don’t want to have a supermodel figure. I have stretch marks from my pregnancies and I’m proud of them. I get excited about business, marketing, and entrepreneurship because I think they’re fun! This is who I am. Maybe you’re not very impressed with the things that I have just declared. But I’ve found that these seemingly small declarations are very powerful. Then,when it comes to seemingly larger acceptances and declarations, they are easier to make and the shift within yourself is so much smoother, and we make progress easier, faster, and more efficiently.
Your turn now! And please that the progress is in the process. It’s not an exam, there are no points for a correct answer. Have fun with it! The last part of your homework is to mention one in conversation with at least 2 people in the next week, say it verbally not typed or written. Saying it to another person is affirming, strengthening, and releasing for you. I’d like to share another quote that has moved me, if I may. This time from T. E Lawrence. He says, “All men dream, but not equally. Those that dream at night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that is was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible” Being who or what you want to be is great-- but you can’t be something without doing something about it. If a writer doesn’t write or a teacher doesn’t teach, what are they? Well, probably unemployed. But I digress. If you believe yourself to be something but don’t back it up with what you do, that’s just wishful thinking. There will be tension within yourself between what you want to be and your reality.
We’ve made great progress looking at giving ourselves permission to be. The next part of the equation is the bridge that makes it reality-- the doing. You’ll want to focus specifically on what you can do, and not what you can’t. Above all, you’ll want to make progress, give yourself permission to do, and survive the process. Dreaming with your eyes open is dangerous because it causes change, because it is effective!Let’s get started. Be prepared to make changes. Change happens gradually and with consistency. Here’s an example from my own life. I going into hospital for intense physiotherapy. They started me off doing one exercise an hour. It wasn’t that bad. Then they increased it little by little. It became more intense, but I made good solid progress. If they had started me out at the level they wanted me to get to, I would have just collapsed into mush on the floor! This applies to implementing any kind of change or learning a new skill. We master the easy stuff, then we “level up”. If you want to be an author, you can give yourself permission to do so. But doing that doesn’t mean that you get to ignore your day job and chain yourself to a keyboard. Such big leaps can land you in trouble. If this is your goal, take stock of what you CAN do. For example, you could start a journal, read about writing, do a creative writing course, or simply start writing. Downsizing tasks and goals to make small progress is the key, sometimes referred to as the Lego Brick technique. Break down goals and tasks as small as you can go and then schedule in time to do them. It helps to effectively combat procrastination and feeling overwhelmed. , the progress is the process. The important thing here isn’t to tick small tasks off the list. It’s to build good habits and progress that will last. If you truly want fast progress you will commit to making small but efficient changes in your life. This stops you yo-yoing between success and failure and creates a solid foundation to build on. You can try setting “SMART” goals to achieve this. S.M.A.R.T, it’s an acronym.These are goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-related. This is a common outline used for goal setting. If you need a structure to help you set goals, it’s a good place to start.
For every action, there is a reaction. Not quite Newton’s Law, but as we enact change in our lives, we will get a reaction. This may be positive or it could be negative. Unfortunately, some people do not respond well to change. For example, let’s say Aaron wants to be healthier, so he decides to give up smoking. Some people in his life are relieved and happy for him. Others, perhaps those that he used to smoke with, feel unsure that Aaron will still accept their behavior. Maybe they’re afraid he’ll react negatively to them now. I wouldn’t suggest that Aaron pander to his friends’ insecurities, but maybe he could find other ways or places to be around them that don’t involve smoking. You should be wise about how you share your progress. You don’t HAVE to share it with anyone that you don’t wish to share it with. Once you share with others, do a quality check on their response to it . that you are not under any obligation to honor advice or opinions. We can say ‘thanks, no thanks’, the important thing is to remain faithful to yourself. Above all, enjoy the process, the progress, and the success. When faced with how far it looks like we have to go, it can be easy to forget how far we’ve come and what we’ve already accomplished. to journal and reflect, celebrate your progress and accomplishments, and enjoy the journey. Now, let’s do an exercise. I’d like for you to take out your journal and set some SMART goals that will help you on your way to becoming the person you want to be or move towards something you want to achieve. For example, some SMART goals for putting up a website could include identifying twenty products for the site by the end of the week and completing a short introductory course on WordPress. These goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timerelated. Make sure the goals you set have all these qualities. A goal such as “look online for articles on how to run a website” is not specific, measurable, or tied to time, so it’s not an efficient goal. Set as many goals as you think are reasonable for you. In the next unit, we’ll be talking about permission to fail and succeed. When you’re ready, listen on.
3 Permission to Fail and Succeed
In this unit, we’ll cover giving yourself permission to both fail and succeed in your goals. We have ideas about success and failure built into us, so it can be helpful to evaluate them. Let’s begin. Most of us are conditioned early on to avoid or fear failure. Nobody WANTS to fail, but it happens sometimes. Doors close, we make bad decisions, or we end up dealing with the bad decisions of others. We’re right to fear failure. I would question the sanity of anyone who didn’t have a healthy respect for the consequences of failure, no one should shout ‘yippee ki yay’ and run headlong into something without consideration for different outcomes. That’s not courage, that’s stupidity. But this fear of failure can block progress in our lives and impede our goals. It can cause anxiety, stress, reluctance to try new things, procrastination, negative expectations, negative self-talk, and perfectionism. None of these things are conducive to your goals. Fears can appear to be more serious than they are. They’re usually little more than a bad mental and emotional habit. That’s good news because habits can be reset! You don’t need to let the past sabotage the present or dictate your future. So, let’s attempt a reset. Failure is a matter of perspective. Our failure will not cause any catastrophes. that negative emotions intensify the catastrophic feeling of failure. When we fail, we can either give up and give in to the feeling, or we can view what happened as a learning experience. If you don’t give yourself permission to fail you won’t go anywhere at all. Confucious got it right when he said, ‘Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall’ The fallout from failure can still be painful, but always be real with yourself about what’s happening. If you begin to let your emotions lead you, you’ll just
react without thinking or reason. The choices you make when you purely react aren’t always the best choices. The alternative to reacting is to respond-- feel your emotions, yes, but don’t let them be the basis of your choices. To move past the fear of failure, you need to have a clear look at things. Think of fear as a bad habit with a loud hailer. You want to turn down the volume on it. Here’s how. First, analyze the outcomes practically. Remove your fear by looking at all the possible outcomes of a decision. For many people, it’s fear of the unknown that immobilizes them. Remove that fear by looking at all possible outcomes of a decision, even facing up to your worst-case scenario. This will allow you to plan, or get a clearer look in the rational light of day. You should be prepared and do your homework. After analyzing your outcomes, having a plan B (and maybe C and D too) can help you move forward. Second, try to be positive. We have so much power to reprogram our negative habits. Catch yourself when you say negative things to yourself, and don’t let yourself get away with it. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend or to a child, don’t say it to yourself. By just changing one thing that I say to myself I can boost my positivity and empower my mindset for change and freedom. Just one thing! A note by the mirror or a reminder on my phone can nourish my self-belief and diminish my fears. , fear is a bad habit with a loud hailer. I’ve had my own fears about failing too. Maybe I sound to you like I have it all together - but I’m not titanium! I want my courses to go well. I worry that no one will like my courses, that my geeky website will be a waste of time and money both resources in my house! I worried about failing as a parent: a life coach with kids that has wrestled with depression or life direction - what a failure! Or that I haven’t set a good enough example for them or ed them enough because I was working… man, the list is never-ending and I could become buried under all the things on it IF I let it dictate my life and my choices. When you crash and burn, you can become a phoenix. If people don’t like my courses, that’s not on me. Does that mean I’ve wasted all my time and effort in producing them? No. It’s just that no one can please everyone all the time, that would be an unrealistic expectation. the Tolkien quote? It is their opinion and I have a choice as to whether I take it into myself or not.
Above all, the trick is to respond rather than react, and turn down the volume on the loud hailer of failure so you can give yourself permission to fail...and then get back up again. Now, what about success? Success and how you welcome it is something else entirely. You’ll need to give yourself permission to succeed as well as to fail. Why is this? That’s a good question. Surely we all want success in our life, right? Well...not exactly. As Hugh Macleod points out, success is more complex than failure, and we can fear success without even realizing it. It may sound strange, but it affects many of us. There are many classic signs of fearing success. Let’s go over a few. Not completing projects and then stressing about it is a big one. This can be at work or home. Maybe you feel guilty that things that “needed doing” didn’t get done. Another is talking more than doing. This one tends to go something like this: “I want to lose some weight, get fitter. They have some great classes at the sports center… So, did you one?...No, not yet. I‘m still thinking about it”. It happens to the best of us. Another sign is multitasking on several projects at once without really focusing or completing them. This is chicken mode, where we peck away at several things at once. We can rationalize this in many ways, but it’s a classic sign of fearing success. What about dreaming but not doing? You know what your dreams are but are not progressing to see them become a reality. They are all still stuck like photos on a pinboard. Yet another sign is doubting and second-guessing yourself. This is especially harmful if you do it often, or as projects near completion. Some people will procrastinate and get distracted. This is very common, and nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a common anxiety or fear response. Feelings of inadequacy may also arise if you’re afraid of success. This can be in regards to work or yourself. Self-doubt or low self-esteem can be cruel, but it doesn’t have to be the king of our lives. The final sign is things falling apart on the threshold of success. The people
around you suddenly all become incompetent nincompoops, glaringly obvious mistakes have been missed, you’re touchy, stressed, you say something stupid in a meeting, it’s like something is doing its best to sabotage you. It might well be your subconscious. We all want success, however we define it. But our subconscious doesn’t always get the memo and can sabotage our efforts without us realizing it. But , worries and fears are like bad habits, and habits can be changed. Healthy fear is not the enemy-- fear can also mean deep respect or consideration for something. We’re told not to “give in to fear” and functionally ignore it. But that doesn’t work. It’s better to take an intentional look at your concerns as they start raising alarms. That way, the alarms don’t keep going off. Now, let’s look at how to handle some of our anxieties surrounding success. Will success eat your time and energy or give you more responsibilities? Possibly. But this takes time. If your fears about success come from a fear of being able to cope with new responsibilities, be practical. Plan for the practical considerations of your dream. See if you can outsource or delegate. Be prepared and know in advance what success will look like, and have a timeline for when you might achieve it. This allows you the space to adapt and change. ‘Overnight successes’ usually take plenty of time coming. And finally, be positive. You might be anxious about this because you feel like you’re not “whatever enough” for the role, but please : you are. Try to keep that in mind. Scared of standing out? It could happen if you achieve your goals . Being the focus of someone else’s attention can feel a vulnerable place, especially if we worry about what people may say. If this freaks you out, that it’s their opinion, and you’re not obligated to take it on yourself. For every person who is negative there will be many others who will celebrate your change and success with you. You will also inspire others on their journey. It also helps to let go of preconceived ideas and stereotypes you might have about successful people. Personal change causes the status quo of others in your life to wobble a bit, which can be distressing-- but it’s YOUR life. Live it how you see fit. Maybe you’ll feel guilty that others don’t have your opportunities for success, so you play it down or worry about jealousy. Does this benefit you or anyone else around you? Probably not. what Marianne Williamson said: playing small doesn’t do anyone any good. You owe it to yourself and those around you
to grant yourself permission to succeed. Others may not like it, but that’s ultimately their loss. In the next unit, I’ll run you through how to give yourself permission to launch and to give. See you there!
4 Permission to Launch and Permission to Give
What do I mean by “the power of permission,” anyway? The power of permission rests in the perceived necessity of getting permission to do the thing that we want to do: launch. There’s always intention and energy behind a launch and the hope of a desired outcome. You need permission to go for it. Giving yourself permission to launch is bringing everything in this course together. It is permission to be who you are, to do what you believe you want to do, and to fail and succeed. Permission to launch is the action of doing all of this at once. Every time I see an eagle, I wonder: how many times has this creature launched itself into flight? You may only launch a space rocket a few times, but the eagle launches itself out to fly again and again, stretching out its wings to soar and see new heights. That’s what I want for you. I’ll be honest, sometimes I don’t feel like a majestic and powerful eagle. I feel more like a tired pigeon. But I would rather feel like a tired pigeon than be a chicken that can only flap about and peck the dirt. The thing is, the eagle is made to do what it does. Yes, it has to learn how to do it and there will always be effort called for to do it well. But it is glorious when it does. We’ve talked a lot about permission programs, permission to do, and success and failure in this course. But how can you take the step of giving yourself permission? Change and empowerment start with a decision and then putting that decision into action. Sometimes, this will be a one-off decision in action, or it could be a continual choice. If you exercise once, for example, that’s not enough to reap the benefits. However, continual exercise WOULD give you those benefits. The same principle applies for mental or lifestyle changes. You first have to decide to give yourself permission. Here are some practical tips for self-empowerment that I’ve discovered. First off, don’t try everything at once; We talked before about steady, efficient progress
being better than switching between success and falling down. It may be that what you want to work on presents itself quite naturally. If that’s not the case,try the 13 x 4 system developed by Ben Franklin. As a young man, he identified 13 ‘virtues’ that he wanted to see in himself and his work. Realizing that it wasn’t wise to try and change everything at once, he would focus on one virtue a week: to understand it better and actively practice it. All other things he would leave to work out as they might. The following week, he would concentrate on a different virtue. When he had completed his 13 virtues, he would begin the cycle again. 13 x 4 is 52, and there are 52 weeks in one year. This means he was able to practice each virtue four times a year. It’s a simple and yet efficient way to consistently bring about change in your life. Secondly, that The progress is in the process. In our worship of efficiency in today’s culture, we often forget the value of the process. Life is so much more than a series of goals or a whistle-stop tour of destinations. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. All we have is the gift of the present, so enjoy your life. Choose to live it and not let it whizz past in a succession of obligations and things ticked off your to-do list. Never mind the greenfly, smell the roses! However, as with our physical bodies, sometimes psychological, emotional, or lifestyle changes can need some extra time to be effective. Once we have identified the area for change and the diagnosis, we have our decision or treatment. It’s great when we make that decision or treatment and we see progress right away. At the times when we don’t, it doesn’t mean that we’ve failed, or that we didn’t do it right, it may just mean that the outworking may take some time, like having physiotherapy. That way, our growth will be strong and healthy. Nobody wants to progress with a limp. We want to walk tall. ability and are important in this process. Being able is about making sure that you act with integrity. ability partners are a good way to do this. An ability partner is someone who knows what your goals are and how you are trying to achieve them and helps to keep you on track. You might find one by ing a group for this exact purpose, one aligned with your goal. Hold yourself able as much as you possibly can, journalling is a good way to do this. Being able to yourself helps to build your self
confidence. However, there’s no shame in getting a little outside help and you can help empower each other. Be gracious to yourself. Give yourself grace when you mess up, and if you keep repeating errors, take a look at why. If it’s something within your control, try and remove or solve the problem causing you to fall down.. Maybe we need to remove temptation and distraction (or excuses). Maybe we had an impossible expectation of ourselves in the first place. This is one area where a partner on your quest is worth their weight in gold. Another person’s insight into our situation can reveal a fresh perspective for us, and with that fresh perspective can come fresh solutions. to celebrate progress and successes. Be proud of your progress, and don’t let anyone rob you of that. Each milestone that you reach is significant. Comparison is the thief of joy, so to focus on yourself and your own goals instead of the accomplishments of others. Be glad for others, be encouraged that if they can do it you can do it, but please don’t let comparing yourself with others bring you down or rob you of your pride in what you have achieved. Personal development is personal by nature, but you can’t help but affect the people around you. Not everyone is interested in what you’re doing, and of course, you have a choice in who you share your progress with. But people will notice when you’re doing better or behaving in a new way. We talked earlier about how others may be affected by change, but ideally, we want to inspire others. It may be that you have found great freedom and feel super fired up about the area of yourself that you’re working on and the progress you feel you’ve made. I understand how you feel. I love to share good news! We don’t hear enough good news in my opinion. However, I would be sensitive as to who I shared my personal journey with. Over-zealous enthusiasm can actually put people off, but it can be good to share with like-minded people or trusted friends. Empowering yourself also empowers others. Being your true self and living your true purpose in life is one of the most unselfish things we can do: we become a gift to the world. Let’s do one more exercise together. I want you to take out your notebook and make a decision to give yourself permission to achieve a goal. Write this goal down, and then detail the process of achieving it. What do you want to achieve? How can you start putting it into action? You can use what you write as an action
plan or reminder of what you are trying to achieve. We’re almost done!
Afterword
I’m so glad that you’ve made it all the way to the end of this course. We’ve talked about so much for the past hour or so-- so let’s recap. First, we learned about permission programs and how they affect us and our decisions. We discussed how to view advice and opinions from others and discard the things that don’t matter. You can give yourself permission! Then we talked about giving ourselves specifically the permission to change. We looked at how we can figure out what we actually want to do, and then begin our progress journey. Next, we talked about failure and success, and how both can be intimidating. I gave you some tips on how to give yourself permission to both fail and succeed along your journey towards your goals. Finally, we talked about permission to launch and to give. I talked through how to actually give yourself permission and take steps towards self-empowerment. And now, we’re here! I hope this course has given you some useful tools for moving forward into the life that you want for yourself. If you’re interested in learning more, you can find me on my website, katepennell.net. I’m also on Medium with more personal growth content. Just search for my name-- Kate Pennell. Once again, thank you for ing me on this course from Scribd Coach, it has been a pleasure. I hope to see you again in one of my other personal growth courses. Until next time!
About the Author
Kate Pennell is a teacher, speaker, writer, creative, and certified life coach with a ion for helping others discover what truly makes them come alive and work that out in their lives. Kate has been following the path of personal and lifestyle development for years. She loves people, nature, and creativity. To find more from Kate Pennell, find her on Udemy, Medium, or her website, katepennell.net.
Table of Contents
Cover Title Page Copyright About Scribd Coach Introduction 1. Permission Requested 2. Permission to Change 3. Permission to Fail and Succeed 4. Permission to Launch and Permission to Give Afterword About the Author
Landmarks
Cover Copyright Beginning
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