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- Words: 7,303
- Pages: 125
- Publisher: Bernard Morris
- Released Date: 2021-05-28
- Author: Bernard Morris
THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY
a poem
Bernard Morris
© 2021 Bernard Morris
First Edition
The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrievable system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Cover image © WildOne/pixabay
Of a very long poem the very first line
Gutenberg Castle in Liechtenstein
Japanese Umbrella Pine
Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
Power cuts and three day weeks
A farmer’s wife with rosy cheeks
Scary monsters and ghoulish freaks
The Dark Ages, the Ancient Greeks
The deepest corners of my crazy mind
Seeing strangers being kind
ing me by two lovers entwined
Fast Forward, Stop and Rewind
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, next week
Laughing children giving cheek
Taking the bins out once a week
Standing on the bottom stair and hearing it go creak
Opening and sniffing a brand new shiny mag
Putting lots of make-up on and going out in drag
Dancing and waving a rainbow-coloured flag
Going on a hen do, going on a stag
Finding lots of money I didn’t even lose
Wearing baggy tros and shiny shoes
Going to the pub and spilling lots of booze
Doing a crossword and getting all the clues
A hissing sea scraping stones
Comic capers with Vinnie Bones
Teenage Kicks with The Undertones
Between bass and tenor with baritones
Lashing oceans spitting out grit
Tuning up in the orchestra pit
Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt
The All-American Banana Split
Trees locked in a lover’s embrace
A 400 metre obstacle race
In a desert a welcoming water place
Lady Gaga’s Poker Face
Rekindling romances many years later
A falling asteroid leaving a crater
The inventor of the calculator
All the food in my refrigerator
Playing bingo at Playfair and Link
Reddish blue and yellowish pink
Standing at the kitchen sink
Shopping in the precinct
London Bridge and Big Ben
Writing with a biro pen
L S Lowrie’s Matchstick Men
I’ll Never Fall In Love Again
Putting smiles on people’s faces
Wheelbarrow and three-legged races
White marble surrounding fireplaces
Saying “Twist” and chasing the aces
Destination Moon and Fiend Without A Face
The saviour of the human race
Loaf of Bread and Boat Race
Dallas, Dynasty and Peyton Place
Paul Gambaccini and John Peel
Getting stuck on the Ferris Wheel
Mario Andretti at the steering wheel
The heavily-armoured Batmobile
Tony Wilson and Tony Hart
When You’re Young, In The City and Start
The defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte
Anything that is the state of the art
Bernard Wrigley’s Plastic Pies
Harry Hill on Stars In Their Eyes
Lots of money and all that it buys
Sparing feelings with little white lies
Taking a dog for a walk
Hearing a baby learn how to talk
Fairytale Of New York
Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke
Filling up my glass in restaurants for free
Showing off and winning at my local Spelling Bee
Staying out in town till half past three
Thinking I am locked outside and then I find my key
Crossing off items from a long and boring list
Thinking about all the girls I’ve never ever kissed
Rummy, Snap and Poker and Knockout Whist
Sitting in a sauna, hiding in the mist
Having a wee in a steaming hot shower
Standing on top of Blackpool Tower
Saying I love you with a bright red flower
Lamb Rogan Josh, Chicken Sweet & Sour
Canada, , Italy and Spain
Standing outside in the pouring rain
Taking paracetamol to ease away the pain
Lots of happy people in a daisy chain
Onions sizzling in a frying pan
Going on holiday in a caravan
Not being scared of the bogeyman
A Golden Eagle’s wingspan
First Dates and Gogglebox
The Three Bears And Goldilocks
Avoiding anything orthodox
Records in a jukebox
Traffic lights changing on an empty road
A Goliath Frog and a Natterjack Toad
Action videos many times slowed
Linguistic, visual and spacial mode
Driving to the house where I lived as a kid
Chilli Calamari with Risotto Squid
Saying to my enemies, “Good rid!”
Pogo Dancing with Johnny and Sid
An iceberg floating like a white skyscraper
School exercise books backed with wallpaper
Having a little playful caper
Black cherry flavoured vapour
Famous people on Sesame Street
Halloween and Trick or Treat
Any fruit that’s bittersweet
Egg salad and luncheon meat
Eating food when it’s out of date
Curry, chips and beer, don’t wanna lose no weight
A nice big smile with lots on my plate
With my belly full I’m feeling great
Brothers, Sisters, Uncles and Aunts
Covid lockdown and helping grants
At one with nature and talking to plants
Going out in public without any pants
Purple lupins shedding petals
Steam rising from boiling kettles
Pork chops on a bed of nettles
When a dicky tum finally settles
Old people on the dance floor
American Sycamore
Working in a book store
Free-standing rocks in Dartmoor
Hercules Beetles and Horned Frogs
Christmas Puddings and Yule Logs
Hyenas and wild dogs
‘50s London and pea-soup fogs
Sneezing four times in a row
Gladiator with Russell Crowe
People who say mate and bro
Top Of The Pops with Legs & Co
Finding in my fridge when the party’s ended
Six cans of lager, splendid
Carry on drinking till my tummy’s distended
I don’t hold it in; I’ve never once pretended
Staggering out of The Rose & Crown
Playing snooker and potting the brown
Out with my mates, a night on the town
Fooling around and acting the clown
Collapsing into bed when no longer I can stand
Singing along to my favourite band
Stepping on a beach when I’m fully tanned
Having a bet and winning a grand
The feeling in my belly when I’ve had a big pooh
A trip to the circus, a trip to the zoo
Red, orange, yellow, green, purple, blue
Hearing a herd of cows in a field go moo
Scratching my head, picking my nose
Going out in summer without any clothes
Rings on my fingers, rings on my toes
Having fun with a fireman’s hose
Putting on my undies straight from the dryer
Sitting in front of an open fire
Watching EastEnders and Danny Dyer
Play Your Cards Right and shouting, “Higher!”
Thinking, talking, laughing, singing
Going to a party where everyone’s swinging
Shouting at people who never stop whinging
Watching lions and tigers springing
Butterflies, bats, birds and bees
Kicking balls and climbing trees
The Rolling Stones and The Black Eyed Peas
Having a cuddle and a nice big squeeze
Ocean water polishing the shingles
Eating in one go a full tube of Pringles
Emmerdale and the adorable Dingles
Parties and social mingles
A freezing cold glass of Coke
When Robin Gibb started a joke
English, Northern Red and Willow Oak
A boiled egg with a runny yolk
An abandoned baby finding its Mother
Buses arriving one after another
Jade Goody on Big Brother
On a fire throwing a wet towel to smother
European Wood and Mexican Pocket Mouse
The Three Pigeons and The Tyrol House
Superman parody with Mighty Mouse
Growing tomatoes in a greenhouse
Setting goals I can achieve
Seeing a dog happily retrieve
Giving more than I receive
Mr Paste and Mrs Gleave
For Adults Only, Appointment With Fear
Having a birthday every year
Memories of yesteryear
The Young New American Puppeteer
Cell Block H and Franky Doyle
The enthusiasm of Olive Oyl
A gloomy church with a gargoyle
No longer in a state of turmoil
The little white dot on the black screen
Tetrafluoroethylene
Sitting on top of a washing machine
Making dragons with plasticine
Comino Island and blue lagoons
Short and long honeymoons
Neptune and its fourteen moons
Fried food in greasy spoons
Sharing a friend’s umbrella
Being amazed by Penn and Teller
Baked tomato and mozzarella
Looking like Cinderella
Spending time on my own
Watching a dog eat a bone
Weighing under thirteen stone
In the sun with an ice cream cone
Gasoline, bread and other smells
Christmas Eve and Jingle Bells
Time Machines and H G Wells
Pebble beach, collecting shells
Twitter, Youtube, Facebook friends
A Mother’s love that never ends
Bottles of ink and fountain pens
Rescue homes for battery hens
Flushing toilets on aeroplanes
Riding a bike down narrow lanes
Bulldozers and yellow cranes
Getting rid of aches and pains
Shaking hands and high fives
Stir Fry with Chinese Chives
Everything that life provides
Mashed Potatoes, Shimmies and Jives
The sun and moon, a sky full of stars
David Bowie and Life On Mars
Penny Farthings and racing cars
Political Movements and the burning of bras
The greatest films ever made
Morrissey concerts, James and Suede
Working hard and getting paid
Finding comfort in the shade
The Old Ball, The Postern Gate
Having fun with my old mate
Staying up until way too late
Forty eight bottles in a crate
The movie-star monoliths of Monument Valley
Just got back from the downtown Palais
Worzel Gummidge and Aunt Sally
Music from Tin Pan Alley
The smell of crayons and plasticine
East Of Eden with James Dean
Old people on a bowling green
Jumping up and down on a trampoline
Catching a spider and taking it out
The wonderful smell of a Brussel sprout
Finally cut raw sauerkraut
Mad World, Change and Shout
Nugget Wafers and Drum Stick Chew Bars
Aloha shirts and Hawaiian guitars
The yellowish glow from solar-type stars
A Moveable Feast and other memoirs
Biology, Art, English and French
Judy Finnigan and Judi Dench
Having a chat on a park bench
No coat and getting drenched
Being born, living life
Dreaming of a perfect wife
Eating with a fork and knife
Avoiding trouble, avoiding strife
Snow white pillows and new bed sheets
Rising, falling, rhythm and beats
Packed-out theatres with no empty seats
Council workers cleaning the streets
School dinners and school parties
Spangles and Chewits, Rolos and Smarties
Beatles songs, Lennon and McCartney’s
Pirates saying, “Drink up, me hearties!”
Falling in love for the very first time
Hanging clothes on a washing line
Nowhere Man and I Feel Fine
Elkie Brooks and Lilac Wine
Trouble Loves Me, Billy Budd
Jeff Lynne and Roy Wood
William Tell and Robin Hood
Never bad, always good
A child’s balloon eclipsing the moon
Red dusty streets in Cameroon
Michael Elphick as Ken Boon
The rich buzzing sound of a double bassoon
Getting lots of exercise
People who like to womanize
Not being afraid to apologise
Brush-Footed Butterflies
Wet wipes and KFC
Physics, Maths and Chemistry
Destruction of weaponry
Luther King and Kennedy
Fairy tales and lucid dreams
Misty lakes and running streams
ELO and lazer beams
Nothing appearing as it seems
Easter Bunny, Santa Claus
Close Encounters, Star Wars
Animals with tales and paws
Raving Loonies, silly laws
Last day at school, first day at work
Stephen Fry and Kathy Burke
Doctor Who and Captain Kirk
Setting off a firework
Staggering out of The Royal Oak
Pulling off a masterstroke
Lamb with Minty Artichoke
The New Vic in Stoke
When a cat looks into your soul
Having lots of self control
Dancing with a totem pole
Alice falling down the rabbit hole
A barbecue on a hot summer’s day
The very first time going all the way
Looking forward to Saturday
Strawberry Fields and Yesterday
The first bite of a piece of gum
Red wine, white rum
A marching band and a big bass drum
Friendly words like pal and chum
Chased by The Whales during Midnight Mass
Shaking lampposts in days gone past
Great-sounding words like flabbergast
Messages on a plaster cast
The Gobi Desert in Mongolia
Any paint colour except magnolia
Indie songs dripping with melancholia
Above the sea the floating island of Aeolia
The Eiffel Tower and Notre-Dame
Little Willy and Wig-Wam Bam
The Smurfs and Father Abraham
Getting stuck in a traffic jam
A dog with its head out of a car
Sitting on a handlebar
Crystal healing with Iceland Spar
Chatty Man with Alan Carr
Heat quivering up from molten tar
The creamy taste of Beluga Caviar
The mystical valley of Shangri-La
Wishing on a shooting star
Ice-cream at the bottom of a cone
Talking to friends on the telephone
Increasing muscle tone
Getting rid of a kidney stone
Waking up, falling asleep
Wil E Coyote and Beep Beep
Humpty Dumpty, Baa Baa Black Sheep
Pablo Honey, In Rainbows and Creep
Buttered scones, blueberry pancakes
Lemon meringues, strawberry cheesecakes
Butterscotch pies, coconut cupcakes
Chocolate puddings, angel food cakes
Father Francis and The Black Cat
Hitting a ball with a baseball bat
Looking cool in a cowboy hat
Clams and snails in a mud flat
A freezing cold glass of Coke
When Robin Gibb started a joke
English, Northern Red and Willow Oak
A boiled egg with runny yolk
Saturday morning, Tiswas and Swap Shop
We Are Detectives, good cop and bad cop
Brothers Grimm, Andersen and Aesop
Hailing a taxi, standing at the bus stop
The Tube, The O-Zone, Top Of The Pops
Bruce Lee, Kung Fu Chops
Bill and Ben, The Woodentops
Game shows, TV cops
Waiting for the ice-cream van
Nosey Parker, Desperate Dan
Marvel Comics, Stan The Man
Tomato and cheese in a frying pan
Autumn, Winter, Summer, Spring
Chuck Berry singing My Ding-A-Ling
The Day Of The Triffids, The Fly and The Thing
There’s a Nong Nang Ning where the trees go Ping
By the pricking of my thumbs
Something wicked this way comes
Bev Bevan on the drums
The Bradshaws and Hold Your Plums
Eleven o-levels, As and Bs
Dragon Flies and Dragon Trees
Standing in a nice cool breeze
The pleasure I get when I sneeze
Burning charcoal and flame-grilled meat
Making sure I get the window seat
Anything that’s offbeat
Floating in the summer heat
Walking through the streets of New York City
TV plays dark and gritty
Putting money in the kitty
Conversations funny and witty
Rat-Tailed Maggots and Pond Skaters
Getting rid of dictators
Giving lots of tips to waiters
Crocodiles and alligators
When a boiled egg is easy to peel
Riding a bike on one wheel
Half a sixpence with Tommy Steele
Mike, Rick, Vyvyan and Neil
Documentaries and cartoons
Parties with lots of balloons
Spider Monkeys and Baboons
Early mornings, afternoons
Old people not looking their age
Earning my very first wage
A bird flying free far from a cage
Telling jokes on a stage
Walking naked in the rain
Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane
Old English Sheepdog, Great Dane
Travelling on an old steam train
Halloween, Bonfire Night
Spirograph and Lite Brite
John Barnes, Ian Wright
Jack In The Box, flying a kite
Battered scraps from Thornley’s Chipper
Cutting my hair with a motor clipper
Stingray, Thunderbirds, Marine Boy and Flipper
When they caught the Yorkshire Ripper
My ‘70s blue transistor radio
A little old dear in a cozy bungalow
Ruler of the sea, the beautiful Calypso
Saving on washing by going commando
Peace and love in the 1960s
The punk ethos of the 1970s
The Young Socialists in the 1980s
Freedom to Party in the 1990s
Lovable rogues defying the norm
Flashing lights in a thunderstorm
The pleasant smell of chloroform
The menacing power of a sandstorm
Jerusalem and the Dome of the Rock
Bill Haley and Rock Around The Clock
Never getting writer’s block
Balderdash and poppycock
The aches from training in the gym
Filling a glass right up to the brim
Freddie & Jack, Nice-but-Dim
Going out on a limb
Taking a nap in the afternoon
Werewolves howling at the moon
Goodbye Soldier, Puckoon
Stagecoach, High Noon
Calamity Jane with Doris Day
Tragedy, The First Of May
Frank Bruno, Cassius Clay
Galaxy, Milky Way
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise
Anything in the world that flies
Summer days, blue skies
Standing in the shortest queue
A New World Record, Out Of The Blue
Pink Panther, Scooby Doo
Against the world me and you
Rich-red earth and spinifex grass
Knowing of every element the atomic mass
Magna cooling into volcanic glass
The euphoric effect of laughing gas
Therapeutic poppings of Bubble Wrap
Elvis Presley Caught In A Trap
Wearing my favourite baseball cap
Love At First Bite and Spinal Tap
Farting in public, farting in bed
Living in the garden shed
Night Of The Living Dead
Every book I’ve ever read
Rock Paper Scissors, Tic Tac Toe
Having nowhere else to go
Hearing details blow by blow
Seeing how far you can throw
Portugal and yellow street cars
Pulling nails with wrecking bars
The Undertaker, The Rock and other Superstars
Magnificent spires of the alcazars
Little old ladies at porches waving
Edward Calvert and his wood engraving
Patios and crazy paving
In an empty warehouse young people raving
Happy pigs in drinking troughs
Being taught by brainy profs
Being proud of smelly boffs
Shouting, “Arsenal!” when someone coughs
A haircut after a six month lockdown
Rotating cable cars in the city of Cape Town
My Friend The Sea, Sailor and Downtown
Pointless, Mastermind, The Chase and Countdown
Harry Lewis and Harry Kane
A peacock’s tail, a lion’s mane
Me Tarzan, You Jane
Oh What A Shame and Dear Elaine
Catching a spider and taking it out
The wonderful smell of a Brussels sprout
Finally cut raw sauerkraut
Mad World, Change and Shout
Shaving whiskers from my chin
Throwing rubbish in a bin
Expecting not always to win
Put him down; you don’t know where he’s been
A cold shower in mid July
A large shop with lots to buy
Name That Tune and Bullseye
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye
Spending money on cakes and sweets
Hearing the sound of little lamb bleats
For breakfast eating three Shredded Wheats
Catching out all the cheats
My bed, my sofa, my pillows and cushions
Making friends with Germans and Russians
Having lots of deep discussions
Snare drum, tambourine and other percussions
Trackie bottoms, hooded tops
Garlic and herbs with grilled lamb chops
School dinners and tuck shops
Landscape photos on desktops
The heat of sun in summertime
The crunching snow in wintertime
Falling leaves in autumntime
Blooming flowers in springtime
Radio Luxembourg on my blue transistor radio
Copacabana in Rio de Janeiro
The moist and pungent smell of Indian Tobacco
Making a sandwich with a strawberry tomato
Seagulls squawking over scraps of food
People who have the right attitude
Crab, shrimp and other seafood
Suing people who deserve to be sued
Curly Wurlys, Candy Sticks
Clever dogs doing tricks
Clucking hens and cheeping chicks
See How They Run with Brian Rix
Adrenaline pumping through my body
Soothing the pain with a hot toddy
Bumpy Dog, Big Ears and Noddy
Tommy Cooper, Spike and Doddy
The first scoop from a tub of ice-cream
Disco lights and a lazer beam
Writing a poem on any theme
Gaining control when I’m having a dream
Getting on the dance floor and dancing like a dad
Thinking of good times when I’m feeling bad
ing happy times when I was a lad
The best times in life I’ve ever had
Smiling and showing my new shiny crowns
Judy Collins looking for the clowns
Houses, streets, villages and towns
Verbs, adverbs, adjectives and nouns
My arms, my hands, my legs, my feet
Listening to music and dancing to the beat
Corn, oats, rice and wheat
People in the future I’ve yet to meet
A glass of cold water on a hot summer’s day
Eric Morecambe shouting, “Wa-hey!”
Making things out of clay
Winning a match when playing away
King Kong beating his chest
Bobby Charlton, Georgie Best
Appearing on a show as a special guest
Ten out of ten in a spelling test
Breathing in the flush of Spring
Showing off a wedding ring
Letting go the apron string
Lots of crayons for colouring
Chairs shaped like milk splatter
A plate dropping with a loud platter
The four states of matter
We Plough The Fields And Scatter
ing toys from yesteryear
Swinging from a chandelier
Being the first to volunteer
Watching things disappear
Getting a splinter out of my finger
KFC and Spicy Zinger
Learning how to be a singer
Bat Out Of Hell and Dead Ringer
Getting an eyelash out of my eye
Eating a steak and kidney pie
Watching Bevan score a try
Knowing how many numbers there are in Pi
The steaming hot summer of ‘76
Pups and cubs, kittens and chicks
Exercise books full of ticks
Woolworths and Pick ‘n’ Mix
Orang-Utans and Long-Eared Owls
Getting booked for bad fouls
Keeping away burglars with canine growls
Hearing the sound of midnight howls
Cutting off my big toe nail
A middle-aged man with a ponytail
Having a body like a Chippendale
Lemonade and ginger ale
Selling my very first comic strip
Being taken over by the silicon chip
A fun and exciting relationship
United winning the Premiership
Making a bowl of Angel’s Delight
Travelling at the speed of light
Four hundred and fifty one Fahrenheit
Building up an appetite
Craggy valleys and flaming cliffs
Teddy boys with impressive quiffs
Powerful and distorted guitar riffs
Seated Man and other Egyptian Hieroglyphs
Doing the moonwalk in just my socks
Watering a window box
Posting a card through a letterbox
Standing on my soapbox
The Top 40 on my blue transistor radio
Slick with sweat in the heat of an afterglow
Kissing a stranger under the mistletoe
Serenaded in the moonlight by a ionate romeo
First day at big school with my shiny new bag
The South Bank Show with Melvyn Bragg
Roland Rat and Zig and Zag
Writing poems for the school mag
Contestants on Mastermind saying, “”
Getting a bonus by kicking some ass
Viz, Zit, Gutted and Gas
Being popular and top of the class
Last orders and running to the bar
Morrissey and Johnny Marr
Falling asleep in a car
Being the best in the world by far
Indie, Disco, New Wave and Punk
Sleeping on the bottom bunk
Friday nights and getting drunk
Ashes to Ashes, flunk to flunk
Eating meat like a caveman
The Incredible Hulk, Thor and Batman
Waiting for letters delivered by the postman
Christmas Day and building a snowman
Turning my pillow the other way round
Having a ride on a merry-go-round
Say Something, Sometimes, Seven and Sound
The joy when a missing person is found
Hearing an album for the very first time
Laughter and boos at a pantomime
Looking forward to dinnertime
The chemical reaction of an enzyme
Talking to people who have no friends
OK Computer and The Bends
‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s trends
Secret lovers and dirty weekends
Facing challenging situations
Social events and celebrations
Youtube channel monetisations
Resisting everything except temptations
Malham Cove, Janet’s Foss
Self employed, my own boss
Toffee apples, candy floss
Four down, two across
Woody Allen, Groucho Marx
Mott The Hoople, Slade and Sparks
Blue Whales and Great White Sharks
Semi colons and question marks
Robert’s Robots and Grange Hill
Making Christmas cards with the mentally ill
Ripping up concrete with a pneumatic drill
The golden petals of a daffodil
Brimstone and Treacle and Days of Hope
Chester and Jessica Tate in Soap
Looking at the stars through a telescope
The changing colours of a kalaedoscope
Falling down the stairs at Charlie’s Bar
Dreaming of being a movie star
Stars reflecting in a reservoir
Bumping in a Dodgem Car
Throwing a blanket over a friend
Starting of a brand new trend
Typing an email and clicking send
Genuine people who don’t pretend
Three doubles and a treble in a betting shop
Down memory lane on a whistle stop
When terrible divers belly flop
The red and white pole outside a barbershop
The butterfly wings of love at first sight
An artificial satellite
That’s Life and Strangers In The Night
Stephen Hendry versus Jimmy White
The beginning of a concert when the lights go out
Bombay Duck, Cod and Trout
A Taste Of Honey, Twist And Shout
Going on a walkabout
Crunching snow under my feet
White wine with white meat
A favourite song on repeat
Walking barefoot down the street
Masters Of War, Bob Dylan’s Blues
Trying on a new pair of shoes
Looking out of windows at stunning views
Everything to win and nothing to lose
Hearing a child’s very first word
Martini shaken but not stirred
All the things I’ve overheard
Drinking until my speech is slurred
The Lotus Temple in New Delhi
Honeycomb tripe and pork belly
William Blake, Keats and Shelley
Jazz and Blues with George Melly
Hardy plants like Walking Ferns
Dead legs and Chinese burns
Filling out my tax returns
Having views and voicing concerns
Cold pizza from the night before
Andrea True Connection and More More More
Getting drunk and falling off the floor
Larry Grayson and Shut That Door
Millers Cottage and Sandy Bay Inn
3-2-1 and Dusty Bin
Marlon Brando, Anthony Quinn
Screaming kids and a shark’s fin
Jellyfish, jackals and Japanese Chins
Trumpets, guitars and mandolins
Florrie Capp and rolling pins
Brewing kits and bathtub gins
Dangling my feet in a swimming pool
Infant, junior and secondary school
The Royal Albert Dock in Liverpool
Bathwater spinning in a foaming whirlpool
There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
Ena Sharples and half a stout
Here is my handle, here is my spout
Asking Alfie, “What’s it all about?”
Peeling an orange in one go
Sneaking about on tiptoe
A happy face all aglow
Having fun down below
Streams splashing over limestone rocks
Wearing plain and stripy socks
Overcoming stumbling blocks
Planting and growing Hollyhocks
A tiny ant with a heavy load
Never missing an episode
ing my postal code
When there are no potholes in the road
The Taj Mahal and The Dancing House
Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse
Geordie, Brummie, Irish, Scouse
Blue Danube by Johann Strauss
A t-shirt worn for years and years
Having my mates round for a few beers
Mr Freers and his sticky out ears
A wedding cake with lots of tiers
Turning my pillow the other way round
Having a ride on a merry-go round
The things you can buy for just under a pound
The joy when a missing person is found
Hearing an album for the very first time
Laughing and booing at a pantomime
Looking forward to dinnertime
The chemical reaction of an enzyme
Watching people watching the telly
A Vietnamese pig with a big pot belly
Strawberry, blackcurrant and orange jelly
Jeff, Bev, Richard and Kelly
Smokey Bacon, Chicken and Beef
Seeing a policeman catch a thief
Turning over a brand new leaf
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
An orange red sinking sun
Thompson Submachine Gun
Every single game I’ve ever won
Dad’s Army and Clive Dunn
I Spy With My Little Eye
Ripples of clouds in a mackerel skys
The delicious filling in a Boston Cream Pie
Refusing to wear a blazer and tie
Glass Spider, Sound + Vision
Multiplication and long division
Stars crashing in a space collision
Not having to make an important decision
The Wizard Of Oz, Jaws and Grease
A 1920s period piece
Tug Of War and Pipes Of Peace
Jason returning with The Golden Fleece
Nobody telling me what to do
Feeding a panda with bamboo
Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo
Trying out a new shampoo
The Creature From The Black Lagoon
The dappled beauty of a full moon
People singing out of tune
Herman’s Hermits and Peter Noone
Arctic Fox and Arctic Hare
Sitting in my favourite chair
Wearing skimpy underwear
Playing Patience and Solitaire
Using my remote with closed eyes
Cilla Black shouting, “Surprise! Surprise!”
John Cleese in Clockwise
Super Crispy French Fries
Italy and hillside towns
Proper and common nouns
Nighties and dressing gowns
Acrobats and silly clowns
Going really high on a park swing
Getting up on karaoke and trying to sing
Hearing the microwave going ping
Soothing cream on a nettle sting
My Friend Stan and Everyday
Ordering a takeaway
Slow Burn and Slip Away
Hair growing a silver grey
One more squeeze from a toothpaste tube
Trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube
Having fun with a bottle of lube
Mighty sword, the meaning of Zube
The Golden Apples Of The Sun
Brain Damage and On The Run
Enjoying myself and having fun
Everything I’ve ever done
Playing old-school video games
ing all the family names
Making big insurance claims
Fibreglass window frames
Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid
Getting change from a quid
Sophia Loren in El Cid
Vampire Bat and Vampire Squid
Little old ladies in bungalows
Chicken Curry with Uncle Joe’s
Wildebeests and buffaloes
Clarinets and piccolos
Butterflies fluttering over sparkling lakes
Winding curling green armoured snakes
Women’s lips around crumbling flakes
Perfectly seasoned juicy steaks
Kindle books with 5-star reviews
The Lights Go Down and Here Is The News
Leaping high in ballet shoes
The Smiths, Radiohead, The Cure and Muse
Turning the speakers up to 11
The divine light of The Seventh Heaven
The open windswept moors of Devon
Old fashioned names like John and Kevin
Rocky cliffs and sweeping bays
Sardines on toast with Mayonnaise
Mary Hopkin and Those Were The Days
Abide With Me on Songs Of Praise
Smiling with sincerity
Good fortune and prosperity
Amusement and hilarity
Avoiding rudeness and vulgarity
Safety pins and spiky hair
Dreaming of being a millionaire
Having a drink with the Town Mayor
Yogi, Bungle and Disco Bear
Writing pads and coloured pens
Sun Larks and Winter Wrens
Romantic and beautiful sleepy glens
Baby chicks and mother hens
Handwritten letters instead of emails
Dogfish Sharks and Common Minke Whales
The Pied Piper and other folk tales
Jungle Bird and other cocktails
Stuck in a lift with a total stranger
Baby Jesus in a manger
Out of debt, out of danger
Fighting outlaws with The Lone Ranger
Taking off my shoes and socks
Keeping fit by climbing rocks
Building modern tower blocks
Caring for an injured fox
Radio Days and Annie Hall
Bubbles of spray from a waterfall
Audience greeting a curtain call
Sparking of a free-for-all
Cheddar and onion sausage rolls
Dirty workmen digging holes
Alan Shearer scoring goals
Teenage shepherds and the Dead Sea Scrolls
Making an offer that can’t be refused
Buying things that have never been used
Good Times Bad Times, Dazed And Confused
Escaping from a fight unbruised
E.T. phoning home
David Bowie’s Laughing Gnome
London, Paris, Munich, Rome
The Birmingham Hippodrome
Tumbling ice chunks, deep-blue lakes
Burning candles on birthday cakes
Climbing up ladders, sliding down snakes
Chatting with workmates on coffee breaks
The sound of rain from inside a tent
Taking part in a track event
Having Obama as President
Pop stars who reinvent
The sun setting over the Manhattan skyline
A 6-pack and a shrinking waistline
The misty taste of romantic moonshine
McCartney playing a solid baseline
Seeing a meal being brought to the table
Sky TV, Netflix and Cable
The history of the Aesopic fable
People who are never unstable
Dandy, Buster, Beezer, Cor!!
Being in love for evermore
Hyphen, dash and underscore
Picking things up off the floor
Tall, short, skinny and plump
Inflating tyres with a bicycle pump
Sitting on a garden stump
Saying good riddance to Donald Trump
Slot machines at the penny arcade
Rescued by the fire brigade
Being brave and unafraid
A refreshing glass of lemonade
Fish and chips, roast beef dinner
Having a bet and picking the winner
Any joke by Frank Skinner
Tony Lock the left-arm spinner
Going out in all kinds of weather
Nowhere near the end of my tether
Being tickled by a giant feather
Poems that seem to go on forever
Singing along walking to school
Twelfth Night and The Lord of Misrule
Lawrence of Arabia with Peter O’Toole
Challenging an opponent to a duel
Night Of The Demon, The Giant Claw
Les Dawson’s mother-in-law
A left hook to the lower jaw
Leatherface with a chainsaw
180 in a game of darts
Number One in the charts
The short-tempered Queen of Hearts
Seeing a loved one’s private parts
Colossal chasms and massive rock domes
DNA and chromosomes
Lots of love in nursing homes
Airports and aerodromes
Roman Candles, Rip-Raps and Bangers
In peace and harmony with The Clangers
EastEnders and cliffhangers
Milk baskets from coat hangers
Having a pee in a swimming pool
Legging over, April Fool
Singing hymns at Sunday school
Breaking every single rule
The school bell ringing at four o’clock
Pain relief with Yellow Dock
Dicing carrots on a chopping block
Eccles Cake and Blackpool Rock
Egg and spoon and a three-legged race
Calling the doctor just in case
Sprinkling glitter on my face
Putting people in their place
Zak Zodiac in The Daily Star
Strumming along on an old guitar
A highly impressive repertoire
A funny-looking avatar
Friends from the past in my dreams
Being grabbed by the guilded beams
Plasters and soothing creams
Earrings shimmering with iridescent gleams
Having the first pick from a box of chocs
The ticking of grandfather clocks
Beards, baggy tros, jackboots and dreadlocks
Shrimp and broccoli stir fried in woks
Setting goals I know I can achieve
Being given comionate leave
Fairies dancing on Midsummer’s Eve
The relaxed cut of a dolman sleeve
Camping out on the back field
Fighting with a sword and shield
Old wounds finally healed
When a secret identity is finally revealed
Daleks, Cybermen, The Celestial Toymaker
Look Back In Anger and The Caretaker
Boney M and Ma Baker
Dionne Warwick singing Heartbreaker
Grannies having a donkey back
The Kinks and their Autumn Almanac
Natalie Cole’s Pink Cadillac
Misfire on Sheer Heart Attack
Rusty brown leaves like delicate tambourines
Auxiliary research submarines
Heating up Mexican Jumping Beans
Knowing what crepuscular means
Sparkling bubbles fizzing on my tongue
Saying to a friend, “What’s wrong?”
A greenish bronze scuppernong
A good old-fashioned drinking song
Bengal Tigers and Killer Whales
Limestone Pavements in the Yorkshire Dales
Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales
Buying clothes from jumble sales
Snow falling on Christmas night
Stargrass and Water Sprite
People who are so polite
When ‘70s bands reunite
Swirling mist in the Peruvian Andes
Caramel Pops and other candies
Mild, bitter and lager shandies
The classic pose of military dandies
Mistaking Frisbees for UFOs
Recording in studios
Going to places where nobody knows
Rising sun and golden glows
Hide and Seek, Off Ground Tick
No longer needing a walking stick
Flying on a broomstick
Jack jump over the candlestick
Not bothering to clean my flat
Always knowing where it’s at
What’s New Pussycat?
Putting out a welcome mat
Butter melting on hot toast
Yorkshire Pudding with a Sunday Roast
The ethnic harmony of the Ivory Coast
New Faces with Mickie Most
Dancing with people who don’t like to dance
The thrilling suspense of a Gothic Romance
Receiving a nice big cash advance
Not being scared to take a chance
Abigail’s Party, Nuts In May
Liza Minelli in Cabaret
Amanda Donohoe in Castaway
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
People who laugh in their sleep
Bette Davis and Meryl Streep
Cameroon and Bighorn Sheep
People who are not embarrassed to weep
Sitting Bull and Red Cloud
Cissie Lupin shouldn’t be allowed
Showing off when well-endowed
Rock music played very loud
Tatahash, egg and chips
Watching old movie clips
A ionate kiss on the lips
Cartoons and comic strips
Prehistoric fossils and dinosaur bones
Gale force winds in Antarctic zones
The brown yellow tint of cinnamon stones
Playing tunes on xylophones
When your hobby becomes your job
The Black Scorpion and The Blob
Sweet and Easy Corn on the Cob
Turning into a lazy slob
Snakes In The Grass and Gumball Machine
The Royle Family and Mr Bean
Staying up all night on amphetamine
Having the Covid vaccine
Taking care of thinning hair
Telling people I just don’t care
Big holes in my underwear
My favourite childhood teddy bear
Sitting down with Tim Booth and James
Laughing at people who call me names
Staying up all night on computer games
Steve Davis winning all the frames
Writing a poem about Newcastle Brown
Not taking it lying down
A back to front surgical gown
Life in a small market town
Snapping Turtles and White-Tailed Deers
Getting in all the beers
Queer As Folk and Years And Years
No pressure from my peers
Bathwater spinning in a foaming whirlpool
Building castles on the beach at Blackpool
Perceptive and clever, nobody’s fool
Going back to the old school
Malayan Tigers, Russian Bear Dogs
Buying clothes from Kays Catalogues
Soliloquys and dramatic monologues
Stories followed by humorous epilogues
Slurping milk from a cereal bowl
Hippos at a watering hole
Dancing round the maypole
A leftover chicken casserole
Being looked after when I’m not feeling well
Alexander Graham Bell
Learning French words like mademoiselle
Throwing coins in a wishing well
Sunlight bathing the world in gold
Avoiding to catch the common cold
Not being afraid of growing old
Profits increasing sevenfold
Fin Whales and Electric Eels
Short skirts and high heels
Special offers and special deals
Home Care and Meals On Wheels
Getting stuck in a revolving door
Shopping at a convenience store
Hiking in El Salvador
Oliver Twist asking for more
Miranda the Mollusc on Towyn Beach
The smell of coffee, bacon and bleach
Apple, orange, apricot, peach
Metaphors and similes in a figure of speech
Making footprints in the snow
James Stannage on the radio
The ‘68 Olympics in Mexico
Childhood memories long ago
Miss World and Benny Hill
Five Little Monkeys and Jack and Jill
Penny Lane and The Fool On The Hill
Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill
Celebrating a pet’s birthday
Having a friendly game of swordplay
Interesting Drug and Picadilly Palare
The Big Wheel, The Ghost Train and Speedway
Never ever holding a grudge
Treating myself with a finger of fudge
Avoiding anything that’s a drudge
The wheels of a bus making snow dirt sludge
Hearing people say sorry and thanks
Summer picnics on riverbanks
Aquariums and large fish tanks
Any film starring Tom Hanks
Alan Bennett’s Talking Heads
Taking all my daily meds
Going to sleep with lots of zeds
Happy couples and newly weds
David Bellamy and Magnus Pyke
Riding my very first pushbike
Metal Guru and Truck On (Tyke)
ing the union and going on strike
The smell of coffee in the sixth form
A sky molten in a thunderstorm
Anything that makes you feel warm
Doing something out of the norm
Boys, Girls, Animals, Flowers
Glowing streaks of meteor showers
Super Heroes with incredible powers
Working for long hours
Sizzling onions on a barbecue
The silvery sheen of morning dew
Mamma Mia and Waterloo
Living in Sinclair Avenue
The sun setting on a beach full of seashells
Pounding feet echoing in stairwells
The up-turned tips of English Bluebells
Blowing minds by dropping bombshells
The National Eisteddfod in ‘73
The American Angelic Tree
Accepting homosexuality
Going to uni and getting a degree
School sports at Victoria Park
Oliver Reed on After Dark
Every single punctuation mark
Granite formations in Denmark
The last swallows in a darkened sky
Homemade apple pie
Hurricane Smith and Don’t Let It Die
A caterpillar turning into a butterfly
Popping explosions of Space Dust
Tug Of War and Wanderlust
Curly hair from eating crust
Up to 21 stick or bust
Juices splattering from a frying pan
Devil Gate Drive and Can The Can
Garlic and Coriander Nann
Lady Windermere’s Fan
Testing jokes at The Comedy Store
All 700 species of dinosaur
Patterson Park in Baltimore
Shakin’ Stevens’ Green Door
Cheese on toast at The Boys Brigade
Being totally unafraid
Winning a top accolade
Spending money on foreign aid
Dribbling steak fat spilling on a grill
Oral contraceptive pill
Having a hundred dollar bill
Helping people who are mentally ill
For the Borough Council lifting manholes
Great-Tailed Grackles and Baltimore Orioles
Taking part in public opinion polls
Polar bears and penguins, North and South Poles
Turning a frown upside down
19th Nervous Breakdown
Threepenny Bit and Half A Crown
London Bridge Is Falling Down
A clicking pen with a strong spring
A Platinum Diamond Wedding Ring
A man in a kilt doing The Highland Fling
Flying in a Westland Sea King
Dragonflies fizzing through beams of light
Tyson and Bruno in the ‘89 fight
Snickers and Fry’s Turkish Delight
Whatever Gets You Thru The Night
Being stirred inside by a sad song
Knowing the sense of right and wrong
When everybody gets along
David Beckham in a sarong
Waterfalls in Argentina
Fonteyn the Prima Ballerina
Learning to play the concertina
Roasted mushrooms with semolina
From a spider’s web rescuing a fly
Not being afraid to die
Celebrating the Fourth of July
Having a regular money supply
A midnight walk on a summer night
Rose-Flavoured Turkish Delight
A romantic dinner by candlelight
Keeping hold of the copyright
The mysterious smell of wet dirt
A casual short-sleeved polo shirt
The rubbery blob of a coloured sea squirt
A fabulously tight pleated skirt
Cherry Blossom Season in Japan
Jewellery fashioned by the Neanderthal Man
The leaping from the oven of The Gingerbread Man
Having a very good pension plan
At the bus stop when strangers talk
Going on a woodland walk
Billy Casper and his kestrel hawk
The attention-seeking parrot squawk
Hark The Herald Angels Sing
Trevor Eve as Eddie Shoestring
Not letting anybody use me as a plaything
A 14K gold or titanium nose ring
Standard Fireworks lighting up the sky
People who don’t care if you’re straight, gay or bi
Casablanca and As Time Goes By
You Have Killed Me and Life Is A Pigsty
The first record I ever bought
Wanting to be an astronaut
Thor in battle with Juggernaut
Never losing my train of thought
Picking scabs and squeezing spots
Having Covid booster shots
Plastic and fibreglass flower pots
Figure 8 and Half Knots
Spinning around in an office chair
Nothing Rhymed, Get Down and Claire
Hearing a little old lady swear
When guys at the urinals look and compare
The moment when you no longer feel sick
Being good at arithmetic
When the referee awards a free kick
Choosing the right lipstick
Drifting in and out of sleep
The Road Runner saying “Beep! Beep!”
Rocky Mountain Bighorn Sheep
Panic, London, Rubber Ring and Asleep
The crackling at the end of an old LP
Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea
A person’s idiosyncrasy
A seemingly everlasting pee
Argentinian waterfalls
Leaping over garden walls
Strength training with medicine balls
Shooting out of cannonballs
Stonehenge, The Northern Lights
Heavyweight Boxing fights
Chasing rainbows and flying kites
Gallant, handsome heroic knights
Winning goldfish at the fair
Paddington, Baloo and Rupert Bear
Anybody with an artistic flair
Polarised sunglasses cutting out the glare
Drinking in the staff room the last day at school
Pulling funny faces with Phil Cool
My first full length in the swimming pool
Getting drunk and falling off a stool
Delivering leaflets door to door
The winged fruit of the Sycamore
Being like a kid in a candy store
Blue-tiled domes in Ecuador
West Side Story, The King And I
Polyphemus the Cyclop with just one eye
Mini Scandi Crumble Pie
Oxygene and Magic Fly
Sun and rain at the same time
How you never forget a nursery rhyme
Bitter Shandy, Lager and Lime
Shouting “He’s behind you!” at the pantomime
Captain Morgan, Gordon’s Gin
Lots of room at the inn
A little old witch with a toothless grin
Holding on to a dolphin’s fin
Driving people round the bend
Winning the Pools, Spend Spend Spend
Laughing and joking with my best friend
Reading a poem to
The End
a poem
Bernard Morris
© 2021 Bernard Morris
First Edition
The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrievable system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Cover image © WildOne/pixabay
Of a very long poem the very first line
Gutenberg Castle in Liechtenstein
Japanese Umbrella Pine
Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
Power cuts and three day weeks
A farmer’s wife with rosy cheeks
Scary monsters and ghoulish freaks
The Dark Ages, the Ancient Greeks
The deepest corners of my crazy mind
Seeing strangers being kind
ing me by two lovers entwined
Fast Forward, Stop and Rewind
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, next week
Laughing children giving cheek
Taking the bins out once a week
Standing on the bottom stair and hearing it go creak
Opening and sniffing a brand new shiny mag
Putting lots of make-up on and going out in drag
Dancing and waving a rainbow-coloured flag
Going on a hen do, going on a stag
Finding lots of money I didn’t even lose
Wearing baggy tros and shiny shoes
Going to the pub and spilling lots of booze
Doing a crossword and getting all the clues
A hissing sea scraping stones
Comic capers with Vinnie Bones
Teenage Kicks with The Undertones
Between bass and tenor with baritones
Lashing oceans spitting out grit
Tuning up in the orchestra pit
Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt
The All-American Banana Split
Trees locked in a lover’s embrace
A 400 metre obstacle race
In a desert a welcoming water place
Lady Gaga’s Poker Face
Rekindling romances many years later
A falling asteroid leaving a crater
The inventor of the calculator
All the food in my refrigerator
Playing bingo at Playfair and Link
Reddish blue and yellowish pink
Standing at the kitchen sink
Shopping in the precinct
London Bridge and Big Ben
Writing with a biro pen
L S Lowrie’s Matchstick Men
I’ll Never Fall In Love Again
Putting smiles on people’s faces
Wheelbarrow and three-legged races
White marble surrounding fireplaces
Saying “Twist” and chasing the aces
Destination Moon and Fiend Without A Face
The saviour of the human race
Loaf of Bread and Boat Race
Dallas, Dynasty and Peyton Place
Paul Gambaccini and John Peel
Getting stuck on the Ferris Wheel
Mario Andretti at the steering wheel
The heavily-armoured Batmobile
Tony Wilson and Tony Hart
When You’re Young, In The City and Start
The defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte
Anything that is the state of the art
Bernard Wrigley’s Plastic Pies
Harry Hill on Stars In Their Eyes
Lots of money and all that it buys
Sparing feelings with little white lies
Taking a dog for a walk
Hearing a baby learn how to talk
Fairytale Of New York
Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke
Filling up my glass in restaurants for free
Showing off and winning at my local Spelling Bee
Staying out in town till half past three
Thinking I am locked outside and then I find my key
Crossing off items from a long and boring list
Thinking about all the girls I’ve never ever kissed
Rummy, Snap and Poker and Knockout Whist
Sitting in a sauna, hiding in the mist
Having a wee in a steaming hot shower
Standing on top of Blackpool Tower
Saying I love you with a bright red flower
Lamb Rogan Josh, Chicken Sweet & Sour
Canada, , Italy and Spain
Standing outside in the pouring rain
Taking paracetamol to ease away the pain
Lots of happy people in a daisy chain
Onions sizzling in a frying pan
Going on holiday in a caravan
Not being scared of the bogeyman
A Golden Eagle’s wingspan
First Dates and Gogglebox
The Three Bears And Goldilocks
Avoiding anything orthodox
Records in a jukebox
Traffic lights changing on an empty road
A Goliath Frog and a Natterjack Toad
Action videos many times slowed
Linguistic, visual and spacial mode
Driving to the house where I lived as a kid
Chilli Calamari with Risotto Squid
Saying to my enemies, “Good rid!”
Pogo Dancing with Johnny and Sid
An iceberg floating like a white skyscraper
School exercise books backed with wallpaper
Having a little playful caper
Black cherry flavoured vapour
Famous people on Sesame Street
Halloween and Trick or Treat
Any fruit that’s bittersweet
Egg salad and luncheon meat
Eating food when it’s out of date
Curry, chips and beer, don’t wanna lose no weight
A nice big smile with lots on my plate
With my belly full I’m feeling great
Brothers, Sisters, Uncles and Aunts
Covid lockdown and helping grants
At one with nature and talking to plants
Going out in public without any pants
Purple lupins shedding petals
Steam rising from boiling kettles
Pork chops on a bed of nettles
When a dicky tum finally settles
Old people on the dance floor
American Sycamore
Working in a book store
Free-standing rocks in Dartmoor
Hercules Beetles and Horned Frogs
Christmas Puddings and Yule Logs
Hyenas and wild dogs
‘50s London and pea-soup fogs
Sneezing four times in a row
Gladiator with Russell Crowe
People who say mate and bro
Top Of The Pops with Legs & Co
Finding in my fridge when the party’s ended
Six cans of lager, splendid
Carry on drinking till my tummy’s distended
I don’t hold it in; I’ve never once pretended
Staggering out of The Rose & Crown
Playing snooker and potting the brown
Out with my mates, a night on the town
Fooling around and acting the clown
Collapsing into bed when no longer I can stand
Singing along to my favourite band
Stepping on a beach when I’m fully tanned
Having a bet and winning a grand
The feeling in my belly when I’ve had a big pooh
A trip to the circus, a trip to the zoo
Red, orange, yellow, green, purple, blue
Hearing a herd of cows in a field go moo
Scratching my head, picking my nose
Going out in summer without any clothes
Rings on my fingers, rings on my toes
Having fun with a fireman’s hose
Putting on my undies straight from the dryer
Sitting in front of an open fire
Watching EastEnders and Danny Dyer
Play Your Cards Right and shouting, “Higher!”
Thinking, talking, laughing, singing
Going to a party where everyone’s swinging
Shouting at people who never stop whinging
Watching lions and tigers springing
Butterflies, bats, birds and bees
Kicking balls and climbing trees
The Rolling Stones and The Black Eyed Peas
Having a cuddle and a nice big squeeze
Ocean water polishing the shingles
Eating in one go a full tube of Pringles
Emmerdale and the adorable Dingles
Parties and social mingles
A freezing cold glass of Coke
When Robin Gibb started a joke
English, Northern Red and Willow Oak
A boiled egg with a runny yolk
An abandoned baby finding its Mother
Buses arriving one after another
Jade Goody on Big Brother
On a fire throwing a wet towel to smother
European Wood and Mexican Pocket Mouse
The Three Pigeons and The Tyrol House
Superman parody with Mighty Mouse
Growing tomatoes in a greenhouse
Setting goals I can achieve
Seeing a dog happily retrieve
Giving more than I receive
Mr Paste and Mrs Gleave
For Adults Only, Appointment With Fear
Having a birthday every year
Memories of yesteryear
The Young New American Puppeteer
Cell Block H and Franky Doyle
The enthusiasm of Olive Oyl
A gloomy church with a gargoyle
No longer in a state of turmoil
The little white dot on the black screen
Tetrafluoroethylene
Sitting on top of a washing machine
Making dragons with plasticine
Comino Island and blue lagoons
Short and long honeymoons
Neptune and its fourteen moons
Fried food in greasy spoons
Sharing a friend’s umbrella
Being amazed by Penn and Teller
Baked tomato and mozzarella
Looking like Cinderella
Spending time on my own
Watching a dog eat a bone
Weighing under thirteen stone
In the sun with an ice cream cone
Gasoline, bread and other smells
Christmas Eve and Jingle Bells
Time Machines and H G Wells
Pebble beach, collecting shells
Twitter, Youtube, Facebook friends
A Mother’s love that never ends
Bottles of ink and fountain pens
Rescue homes for battery hens
Flushing toilets on aeroplanes
Riding a bike down narrow lanes
Bulldozers and yellow cranes
Getting rid of aches and pains
Shaking hands and high fives
Stir Fry with Chinese Chives
Everything that life provides
Mashed Potatoes, Shimmies and Jives
The sun and moon, a sky full of stars
David Bowie and Life On Mars
Penny Farthings and racing cars
Political Movements and the burning of bras
The greatest films ever made
Morrissey concerts, James and Suede
Working hard and getting paid
Finding comfort in the shade
The Old Ball, The Postern Gate
Having fun with my old mate
Staying up until way too late
Forty eight bottles in a crate
The movie-star monoliths of Monument Valley
Just got back from the downtown Palais
Worzel Gummidge and Aunt Sally
Music from Tin Pan Alley
The smell of crayons and plasticine
East Of Eden with James Dean
Old people on a bowling green
Jumping up and down on a trampoline
Catching a spider and taking it out
The wonderful smell of a Brussel sprout
Finally cut raw sauerkraut
Mad World, Change and Shout
Nugget Wafers and Drum Stick Chew Bars
Aloha shirts and Hawaiian guitars
The yellowish glow from solar-type stars
A Moveable Feast and other memoirs
Biology, Art, English and French
Judy Finnigan and Judi Dench
Having a chat on a park bench
No coat and getting drenched
Being born, living life
Dreaming of a perfect wife
Eating with a fork and knife
Avoiding trouble, avoiding strife
Snow white pillows and new bed sheets
Rising, falling, rhythm and beats
Packed-out theatres with no empty seats
Council workers cleaning the streets
School dinners and school parties
Spangles and Chewits, Rolos and Smarties
Beatles songs, Lennon and McCartney’s
Pirates saying, “Drink up, me hearties!”
Falling in love for the very first time
Hanging clothes on a washing line
Nowhere Man and I Feel Fine
Elkie Brooks and Lilac Wine
Trouble Loves Me, Billy Budd
Jeff Lynne and Roy Wood
William Tell and Robin Hood
Never bad, always good
A child’s balloon eclipsing the moon
Red dusty streets in Cameroon
Michael Elphick as Ken Boon
The rich buzzing sound of a double bassoon
Getting lots of exercise
People who like to womanize
Not being afraid to apologise
Brush-Footed Butterflies
Wet wipes and KFC
Physics, Maths and Chemistry
Destruction of weaponry
Luther King and Kennedy
Fairy tales and lucid dreams
Misty lakes and running streams
ELO and lazer beams
Nothing appearing as it seems
Easter Bunny, Santa Claus
Close Encounters, Star Wars
Animals with tales and paws
Raving Loonies, silly laws
Last day at school, first day at work
Stephen Fry and Kathy Burke
Doctor Who and Captain Kirk
Setting off a firework
Staggering out of The Royal Oak
Pulling off a masterstroke
Lamb with Minty Artichoke
The New Vic in Stoke
When a cat looks into your soul
Having lots of self control
Dancing with a totem pole
Alice falling down the rabbit hole
A barbecue on a hot summer’s day
The very first time going all the way
Looking forward to Saturday
Strawberry Fields and Yesterday
The first bite of a piece of gum
Red wine, white rum
A marching band and a big bass drum
Friendly words like pal and chum
Chased by The Whales during Midnight Mass
Shaking lampposts in days gone past
Great-sounding words like flabbergast
Messages on a plaster cast
The Gobi Desert in Mongolia
Any paint colour except magnolia
Indie songs dripping with melancholia
Above the sea the floating island of Aeolia
The Eiffel Tower and Notre-Dame
Little Willy and Wig-Wam Bam
The Smurfs and Father Abraham
Getting stuck in a traffic jam
A dog with its head out of a car
Sitting on a handlebar
Crystal healing with Iceland Spar
Chatty Man with Alan Carr
Heat quivering up from molten tar
The creamy taste of Beluga Caviar
The mystical valley of Shangri-La
Wishing on a shooting star
Ice-cream at the bottom of a cone
Talking to friends on the telephone
Increasing muscle tone
Getting rid of a kidney stone
Waking up, falling asleep
Wil E Coyote and Beep Beep
Humpty Dumpty, Baa Baa Black Sheep
Pablo Honey, In Rainbows and Creep
Buttered scones, blueberry pancakes
Lemon meringues, strawberry cheesecakes
Butterscotch pies, coconut cupcakes
Chocolate puddings, angel food cakes
Father Francis and The Black Cat
Hitting a ball with a baseball bat
Looking cool in a cowboy hat
Clams and snails in a mud flat
A freezing cold glass of Coke
When Robin Gibb started a joke
English, Northern Red and Willow Oak
A boiled egg with runny yolk
Saturday morning, Tiswas and Swap Shop
We Are Detectives, good cop and bad cop
Brothers Grimm, Andersen and Aesop
Hailing a taxi, standing at the bus stop
The Tube, The O-Zone, Top Of The Pops
Bruce Lee, Kung Fu Chops
Bill and Ben, The Woodentops
Game shows, TV cops
Waiting for the ice-cream van
Nosey Parker, Desperate Dan
Marvel Comics, Stan The Man
Tomato and cheese in a frying pan
Autumn, Winter, Summer, Spring
Chuck Berry singing My Ding-A-Ling
The Day Of The Triffids, The Fly and The Thing
There’s a Nong Nang Ning where the trees go Ping
By the pricking of my thumbs
Something wicked this way comes
Bev Bevan on the drums
The Bradshaws and Hold Your Plums
Eleven o-levels, As and Bs
Dragon Flies and Dragon Trees
Standing in a nice cool breeze
The pleasure I get when I sneeze
Burning charcoal and flame-grilled meat
Making sure I get the window seat
Anything that’s offbeat
Floating in the summer heat
Walking through the streets of New York City
TV plays dark and gritty
Putting money in the kitty
Conversations funny and witty
Rat-Tailed Maggots and Pond Skaters
Getting rid of dictators
Giving lots of tips to waiters
Crocodiles and alligators
When a boiled egg is easy to peel
Riding a bike on one wheel
Half a sixpence with Tommy Steele
Mike, Rick, Vyvyan and Neil
Documentaries and cartoons
Parties with lots of balloons
Spider Monkeys and Baboons
Early mornings, afternoons
Old people not looking their age
Earning my very first wage
A bird flying free far from a cage
Telling jokes on a stage
Walking naked in the rain
Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane
Old English Sheepdog, Great Dane
Travelling on an old steam train
Halloween, Bonfire Night
Spirograph and Lite Brite
John Barnes, Ian Wright
Jack In The Box, flying a kite
Battered scraps from Thornley’s Chipper
Cutting my hair with a motor clipper
Stingray, Thunderbirds, Marine Boy and Flipper
When they caught the Yorkshire Ripper
My ‘70s blue transistor radio
A little old dear in a cozy bungalow
Ruler of the sea, the beautiful Calypso
Saving on washing by going commando
Peace and love in the 1960s
The punk ethos of the 1970s
The Young Socialists in the 1980s
Freedom to Party in the 1990s
Lovable rogues defying the norm
Flashing lights in a thunderstorm
The pleasant smell of chloroform
The menacing power of a sandstorm
Jerusalem and the Dome of the Rock
Bill Haley and Rock Around The Clock
Never getting writer’s block
Balderdash and poppycock
The aches from training in the gym
Filling a glass right up to the brim
Freddie & Jack, Nice-but-Dim
Going out on a limb
Taking a nap in the afternoon
Werewolves howling at the moon
Goodbye Soldier, Puckoon
Stagecoach, High Noon
Calamity Jane with Doris Day
Tragedy, The First Of May
Frank Bruno, Cassius Clay
Galaxy, Milky Way
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise
Anything in the world that flies
Summer days, blue skies
Standing in the shortest queue
A New World Record, Out Of The Blue
Pink Panther, Scooby Doo
Against the world me and you
Rich-red earth and spinifex grass
Knowing of every element the atomic mass
Magna cooling into volcanic glass
The euphoric effect of laughing gas
Therapeutic poppings of Bubble Wrap
Elvis Presley Caught In A Trap
Wearing my favourite baseball cap
Love At First Bite and Spinal Tap
Farting in public, farting in bed
Living in the garden shed
Night Of The Living Dead
Every book I’ve ever read
Rock Paper Scissors, Tic Tac Toe
Having nowhere else to go
Hearing details blow by blow
Seeing how far you can throw
Portugal and yellow street cars
Pulling nails with wrecking bars
The Undertaker, The Rock and other Superstars
Magnificent spires of the alcazars
Little old ladies at porches waving
Edward Calvert and his wood engraving
Patios and crazy paving
In an empty warehouse young people raving
Happy pigs in drinking troughs
Being taught by brainy profs
Being proud of smelly boffs
Shouting, “Arsenal!” when someone coughs
A haircut after a six month lockdown
Rotating cable cars in the city of Cape Town
My Friend The Sea, Sailor and Downtown
Pointless, Mastermind, The Chase and Countdown
Harry Lewis and Harry Kane
A peacock’s tail, a lion’s mane
Me Tarzan, You Jane
Oh What A Shame and Dear Elaine
Catching a spider and taking it out
The wonderful smell of a Brussels sprout
Finally cut raw sauerkraut
Mad World, Change and Shout
Shaving whiskers from my chin
Throwing rubbish in a bin
Expecting not always to win
Put him down; you don’t know where he’s been
A cold shower in mid July
A large shop with lots to buy
Name That Tune and Bullseye
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye
Spending money on cakes and sweets
Hearing the sound of little lamb bleats
For breakfast eating three Shredded Wheats
Catching out all the cheats
My bed, my sofa, my pillows and cushions
Making friends with Germans and Russians
Having lots of deep discussions
Snare drum, tambourine and other percussions
Trackie bottoms, hooded tops
Garlic and herbs with grilled lamb chops
School dinners and tuck shops
Landscape photos on desktops
The heat of sun in summertime
The crunching snow in wintertime
Falling leaves in autumntime
Blooming flowers in springtime
Radio Luxembourg on my blue transistor radio
Copacabana in Rio de Janeiro
The moist and pungent smell of Indian Tobacco
Making a sandwich with a strawberry tomato
Seagulls squawking over scraps of food
People who have the right attitude
Crab, shrimp and other seafood
Suing people who deserve to be sued
Curly Wurlys, Candy Sticks
Clever dogs doing tricks
Clucking hens and cheeping chicks
See How They Run with Brian Rix
Adrenaline pumping through my body
Soothing the pain with a hot toddy
Bumpy Dog, Big Ears and Noddy
Tommy Cooper, Spike and Doddy
The first scoop from a tub of ice-cream
Disco lights and a lazer beam
Writing a poem on any theme
Gaining control when I’m having a dream
Getting on the dance floor and dancing like a dad
Thinking of good times when I’m feeling bad
ing happy times when I was a lad
The best times in life I’ve ever had
Smiling and showing my new shiny crowns
Judy Collins looking for the clowns
Houses, streets, villages and towns
Verbs, adverbs, adjectives and nouns
My arms, my hands, my legs, my feet
Listening to music and dancing to the beat
Corn, oats, rice and wheat
People in the future I’ve yet to meet
A glass of cold water on a hot summer’s day
Eric Morecambe shouting, “Wa-hey!”
Making things out of clay
Winning a match when playing away
King Kong beating his chest
Bobby Charlton, Georgie Best
Appearing on a show as a special guest
Ten out of ten in a spelling test
Breathing in the flush of Spring
Showing off a wedding ring
Letting go the apron string
Lots of crayons for colouring
Chairs shaped like milk splatter
A plate dropping with a loud platter
The four states of matter
We Plough The Fields And Scatter
ing toys from yesteryear
Swinging from a chandelier
Being the first to volunteer
Watching things disappear
Getting a splinter out of my finger
KFC and Spicy Zinger
Learning how to be a singer
Bat Out Of Hell and Dead Ringer
Getting an eyelash out of my eye
Eating a steak and kidney pie
Watching Bevan score a try
Knowing how many numbers there are in Pi
The steaming hot summer of ‘76
Pups and cubs, kittens and chicks
Exercise books full of ticks
Woolworths and Pick ‘n’ Mix
Orang-Utans and Long-Eared Owls
Getting booked for bad fouls
Keeping away burglars with canine growls
Hearing the sound of midnight howls
Cutting off my big toe nail
A middle-aged man with a ponytail
Having a body like a Chippendale
Lemonade and ginger ale
Selling my very first comic strip
Being taken over by the silicon chip
A fun and exciting relationship
United winning the Premiership
Making a bowl of Angel’s Delight
Travelling at the speed of light
Four hundred and fifty one Fahrenheit
Building up an appetite
Craggy valleys and flaming cliffs
Teddy boys with impressive quiffs
Powerful and distorted guitar riffs
Seated Man and other Egyptian Hieroglyphs
Doing the moonwalk in just my socks
Watering a window box
Posting a card through a letterbox
Standing on my soapbox
The Top 40 on my blue transistor radio
Slick with sweat in the heat of an afterglow
Kissing a stranger under the mistletoe
Serenaded in the moonlight by a ionate romeo
First day at big school with my shiny new bag
The South Bank Show with Melvyn Bragg
Roland Rat and Zig and Zag
Writing poems for the school mag
Contestants on Mastermind saying, “”
Getting a bonus by kicking some ass
Viz, Zit, Gutted and Gas
Being popular and top of the class
Last orders and running to the bar
Morrissey and Johnny Marr
Falling asleep in a car
Being the best in the world by far
Indie, Disco, New Wave and Punk
Sleeping on the bottom bunk
Friday nights and getting drunk
Ashes to Ashes, flunk to flunk
Eating meat like a caveman
The Incredible Hulk, Thor and Batman
Waiting for letters delivered by the postman
Christmas Day and building a snowman
Turning my pillow the other way round
Having a ride on a merry-go-round
Say Something, Sometimes, Seven and Sound
The joy when a missing person is found
Hearing an album for the very first time
Laughter and boos at a pantomime
Looking forward to dinnertime
The chemical reaction of an enzyme
Talking to people who have no friends
OK Computer and The Bends
‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s trends
Secret lovers and dirty weekends
Facing challenging situations
Social events and celebrations
Youtube channel monetisations
Resisting everything except temptations
Malham Cove, Janet’s Foss
Self employed, my own boss
Toffee apples, candy floss
Four down, two across
Woody Allen, Groucho Marx
Mott The Hoople, Slade and Sparks
Blue Whales and Great White Sharks
Semi colons and question marks
Robert’s Robots and Grange Hill
Making Christmas cards with the mentally ill
Ripping up concrete with a pneumatic drill
The golden petals of a daffodil
Brimstone and Treacle and Days of Hope
Chester and Jessica Tate in Soap
Looking at the stars through a telescope
The changing colours of a kalaedoscope
Falling down the stairs at Charlie’s Bar
Dreaming of being a movie star
Stars reflecting in a reservoir
Bumping in a Dodgem Car
Throwing a blanket over a friend
Starting of a brand new trend
Typing an email and clicking send
Genuine people who don’t pretend
Three doubles and a treble in a betting shop
Down memory lane on a whistle stop
When terrible divers belly flop
The red and white pole outside a barbershop
The butterfly wings of love at first sight
An artificial satellite
That’s Life and Strangers In The Night
Stephen Hendry versus Jimmy White
The beginning of a concert when the lights go out
Bombay Duck, Cod and Trout
A Taste Of Honey, Twist And Shout
Going on a walkabout
Crunching snow under my feet
White wine with white meat
A favourite song on repeat
Walking barefoot down the street
Masters Of War, Bob Dylan’s Blues
Trying on a new pair of shoes
Looking out of windows at stunning views
Everything to win and nothing to lose
Hearing a child’s very first word
Martini shaken but not stirred
All the things I’ve overheard
Drinking until my speech is slurred
The Lotus Temple in New Delhi
Honeycomb tripe and pork belly
William Blake, Keats and Shelley
Jazz and Blues with George Melly
Hardy plants like Walking Ferns
Dead legs and Chinese burns
Filling out my tax returns
Having views and voicing concerns
Cold pizza from the night before
Andrea True Connection and More More More
Getting drunk and falling off the floor
Larry Grayson and Shut That Door
Millers Cottage and Sandy Bay Inn
3-2-1 and Dusty Bin
Marlon Brando, Anthony Quinn
Screaming kids and a shark’s fin
Jellyfish, jackals and Japanese Chins
Trumpets, guitars and mandolins
Florrie Capp and rolling pins
Brewing kits and bathtub gins
Dangling my feet in a swimming pool
Infant, junior and secondary school
The Royal Albert Dock in Liverpool
Bathwater spinning in a foaming whirlpool
There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
Ena Sharples and half a stout
Here is my handle, here is my spout
Asking Alfie, “What’s it all about?”
Peeling an orange in one go
Sneaking about on tiptoe
A happy face all aglow
Having fun down below
Streams splashing over limestone rocks
Wearing plain and stripy socks
Overcoming stumbling blocks
Planting and growing Hollyhocks
A tiny ant with a heavy load
Never missing an episode
ing my postal code
When there are no potholes in the road
The Taj Mahal and The Dancing House
Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse
Geordie, Brummie, Irish, Scouse
Blue Danube by Johann Strauss
A t-shirt worn for years and years
Having my mates round for a few beers
Mr Freers and his sticky out ears
A wedding cake with lots of tiers
Turning my pillow the other way round
Having a ride on a merry-go round
The things you can buy for just under a pound
The joy when a missing person is found
Hearing an album for the very first time
Laughing and booing at a pantomime
Looking forward to dinnertime
The chemical reaction of an enzyme
Watching people watching the telly
A Vietnamese pig with a big pot belly
Strawberry, blackcurrant and orange jelly
Jeff, Bev, Richard and Kelly
Smokey Bacon, Chicken and Beef
Seeing a policeman catch a thief
Turning over a brand new leaf
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
An orange red sinking sun
Thompson Submachine Gun
Every single game I’ve ever won
Dad’s Army and Clive Dunn
I Spy With My Little Eye
Ripples of clouds in a mackerel skys
The delicious filling in a Boston Cream Pie
Refusing to wear a blazer and tie
Glass Spider, Sound + Vision
Multiplication and long division
Stars crashing in a space collision
Not having to make an important decision
The Wizard Of Oz, Jaws and Grease
A 1920s period piece
Tug Of War and Pipes Of Peace
Jason returning with The Golden Fleece
Nobody telling me what to do
Feeding a panda with bamboo
Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo
Trying out a new shampoo
The Creature From The Black Lagoon
The dappled beauty of a full moon
People singing out of tune
Herman’s Hermits and Peter Noone
Arctic Fox and Arctic Hare
Sitting in my favourite chair
Wearing skimpy underwear
Playing Patience and Solitaire
Using my remote with closed eyes
Cilla Black shouting, “Surprise! Surprise!”
John Cleese in Clockwise
Super Crispy French Fries
Italy and hillside towns
Proper and common nouns
Nighties and dressing gowns
Acrobats and silly clowns
Going really high on a park swing
Getting up on karaoke and trying to sing
Hearing the microwave going ping
Soothing cream on a nettle sting
My Friend Stan and Everyday
Ordering a takeaway
Slow Burn and Slip Away
Hair growing a silver grey
One more squeeze from a toothpaste tube
Trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube
Having fun with a bottle of lube
Mighty sword, the meaning of Zube
The Golden Apples Of The Sun
Brain Damage and On The Run
Enjoying myself and having fun
Everything I’ve ever done
Playing old-school video games
ing all the family names
Making big insurance claims
Fibreglass window frames
Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid
Getting change from a quid
Sophia Loren in El Cid
Vampire Bat and Vampire Squid
Little old ladies in bungalows
Chicken Curry with Uncle Joe’s
Wildebeests and buffaloes
Clarinets and piccolos
Butterflies fluttering over sparkling lakes
Winding curling green armoured snakes
Women’s lips around crumbling flakes
Perfectly seasoned juicy steaks
Kindle books with 5-star reviews
The Lights Go Down and Here Is The News
Leaping high in ballet shoes
The Smiths, Radiohead, The Cure and Muse
Turning the speakers up to 11
The divine light of The Seventh Heaven
The open windswept moors of Devon
Old fashioned names like John and Kevin
Rocky cliffs and sweeping bays
Sardines on toast with Mayonnaise
Mary Hopkin and Those Were The Days
Abide With Me on Songs Of Praise
Smiling with sincerity
Good fortune and prosperity
Amusement and hilarity
Avoiding rudeness and vulgarity
Safety pins and spiky hair
Dreaming of being a millionaire
Having a drink with the Town Mayor
Yogi, Bungle and Disco Bear
Writing pads and coloured pens
Sun Larks and Winter Wrens
Romantic and beautiful sleepy glens
Baby chicks and mother hens
Handwritten letters instead of emails
Dogfish Sharks and Common Minke Whales
The Pied Piper and other folk tales
Jungle Bird and other cocktails
Stuck in a lift with a total stranger
Baby Jesus in a manger
Out of debt, out of danger
Fighting outlaws with The Lone Ranger
Taking off my shoes and socks
Keeping fit by climbing rocks
Building modern tower blocks
Caring for an injured fox
Radio Days and Annie Hall
Bubbles of spray from a waterfall
Audience greeting a curtain call
Sparking of a free-for-all
Cheddar and onion sausage rolls
Dirty workmen digging holes
Alan Shearer scoring goals
Teenage shepherds and the Dead Sea Scrolls
Making an offer that can’t be refused
Buying things that have never been used
Good Times Bad Times, Dazed And Confused
Escaping from a fight unbruised
E.T. phoning home
David Bowie’s Laughing Gnome
London, Paris, Munich, Rome
The Birmingham Hippodrome
Tumbling ice chunks, deep-blue lakes
Burning candles on birthday cakes
Climbing up ladders, sliding down snakes
Chatting with workmates on coffee breaks
The sound of rain from inside a tent
Taking part in a track event
Having Obama as President
Pop stars who reinvent
The sun setting over the Manhattan skyline
A 6-pack and a shrinking waistline
The misty taste of romantic moonshine
McCartney playing a solid baseline
Seeing a meal being brought to the table
Sky TV, Netflix and Cable
The history of the Aesopic fable
People who are never unstable
Dandy, Buster, Beezer, Cor!!
Being in love for evermore
Hyphen, dash and underscore
Picking things up off the floor
Tall, short, skinny and plump
Inflating tyres with a bicycle pump
Sitting on a garden stump
Saying good riddance to Donald Trump
Slot machines at the penny arcade
Rescued by the fire brigade
Being brave and unafraid
A refreshing glass of lemonade
Fish and chips, roast beef dinner
Having a bet and picking the winner
Any joke by Frank Skinner
Tony Lock the left-arm spinner
Going out in all kinds of weather
Nowhere near the end of my tether
Being tickled by a giant feather
Poems that seem to go on forever
Singing along walking to school
Twelfth Night and The Lord of Misrule
Lawrence of Arabia with Peter O’Toole
Challenging an opponent to a duel
Night Of The Demon, The Giant Claw
Les Dawson’s mother-in-law
A left hook to the lower jaw
Leatherface with a chainsaw
180 in a game of darts
Number One in the charts
The short-tempered Queen of Hearts
Seeing a loved one’s private parts
Colossal chasms and massive rock domes
DNA and chromosomes
Lots of love in nursing homes
Airports and aerodromes
Roman Candles, Rip-Raps and Bangers
In peace and harmony with The Clangers
EastEnders and cliffhangers
Milk baskets from coat hangers
Having a pee in a swimming pool
Legging over, April Fool
Singing hymns at Sunday school
Breaking every single rule
The school bell ringing at four o’clock
Pain relief with Yellow Dock
Dicing carrots on a chopping block
Eccles Cake and Blackpool Rock
Egg and spoon and a three-legged race
Calling the doctor just in case
Sprinkling glitter on my face
Putting people in their place
Zak Zodiac in The Daily Star
Strumming along on an old guitar
A highly impressive repertoire
A funny-looking avatar
Friends from the past in my dreams
Being grabbed by the guilded beams
Plasters and soothing creams
Earrings shimmering with iridescent gleams
Having the first pick from a box of chocs
The ticking of grandfather clocks
Beards, baggy tros, jackboots and dreadlocks
Shrimp and broccoli stir fried in woks
Setting goals I know I can achieve
Being given comionate leave
Fairies dancing on Midsummer’s Eve
The relaxed cut of a dolman sleeve
Camping out on the back field
Fighting with a sword and shield
Old wounds finally healed
When a secret identity is finally revealed
Daleks, Cybermen, The Celestial Toymaker
Look Back In Anger and The Caretaker
Boney M and Ma Baker
Dionne Warwick singing Heartbreaker
Grannies having a donkey back
The Kinks and their Autumn Almanac
Natalie Cole’s Pink Cadillac
Misfire on Sheer Heart Attack
Rusty brown leaves like delicate tambourines
Auxiliary research submarines
Heating up Mexican Jumping Beans
Knowing what crepuscular means
Sparkling bubbles fizzing on my tongue
Saying to a friend, “What’s wrong?”
A greenish bronze scuppernong
A good old-fashioned drinking song
Bengal Tigers and Killer Whales
Limestone Pavements in the Yorkshire Dales
Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales
Buying clothes from jumble sales
Snow falling on Christmas night
Stargrass and Water Sprite
People who are so polite
When ‘70s bands reunite
Swirling mist in the Peruvian Andes
Caramel Pops and other candies
Mild, bitter and lager shandies
The classic pose of military dandies
Mistaking Frisbees for UFOs
Recording in studios
Going to places where nobody knows
Rising sun and golden glows
Hide and Seek, Off Ground Tick
No longer needing a walking stick
Flying on a broomstick
Jack jump over the candlestick
Not bothering to clean my flat
Always knowing where it’s at
What’s New Pussycat?
Putting out a welcome mat
Butter melting on hot toast
Yorkshire Pudding with a Sunday Roast
The ethnic harmony of the Ivory Coast
New Faces with Mickie Most
Dancing with people who don’t like to dance
The thrilling suspense of a Gothic Romance
Receiving a nice big cash advance
Not being scared to take a chance
Abigail’s Party, Nuts In May
Liza Minelli in Cabaret
Amanda Donohoe in Castaway
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
People who laugh in their sleep
Bette Davis and Meryl Streep
Cameroon and Bighorn Sheep
People who are not embarrassed to weep
Sitting Bull and Red Cloud
Cissie Lupin shouldn’t be allowed
Showing off when well-endowed
Rock music played very loud
Tatahash, egg and chips
Watching old movie clips
A ionate kiss on the lips
Cartoons and comic strips
Prehistoric fossils and dinosaur bones
Gale force winds in Antarctic zones
The brown yellow tint of cinnamon stones
Playing tunes on xylophones
When your hobby becomes your job
The Black Scorpion and The Blob
Sweet and Easy Corn on the Cob
Turning into a lazy slob
Snakes In The Grass and Gumball Machine
The Royle Family and Mr Bean
Staying up all night on amphetamine
Having the Covid vaccine
Taking care of thinning hair
Telling people I just don’t care
Big holes in my underwear
My favourite childhood teddy bear
Sitting down with Tim Booth and James
Laughing at people who call me names
Staying up all night on computer games
Steve Davis winning all the frames
Writing a poem about Newcastle Brown
Not taking it lying down
A back to front surgical gown
Life in a small market town
Snapping Turtles and White-Tailed Deers
Getting in all the beers
Queer As Folk and Years And Years
No pressure from my peers
Bathwater spinning in a foaming whirlpool
Building castles on the beach at Blackpool
Perceptive and clever, nobody’s fool
Going back to the old school
Malayan Tigers, Russian Bear Dogs
Buying clothes from Kays Catalogues
Soliloquys and dramatic monologues
Stories followed by humorous epilogues
Slurping milk from a cereal bowl
Hippos at a watering hole
Dancing round the maypole
A leftover chicken casserole
Being looked after when I’m not feeling well
Alexander Graham Bell
Learning French words like mademoiselle
Throwing coins in a wishing well
Sunlight bathing the world in gold
Avoiding to catch the common cold
Not being afraid of growing old
Profits increasing sevenfold
Fin Whales and Electric Eels
Short skirts and high heels
Special offers and special deals
Home Care and Meals On Wheels
Getting stuck in a revolving door
Shopping at a convenience store
Hiking in El Salvador
Oliver Twist asking for more
Miranda the Mollusc on Towyn Beach
The smell of coffee, bacon and bleach
Apple, orange, apricot, peach
Metaphors and similes in a figure of speech
Making footprints in the snow
James Stannage on the radio
The ‘68 Olympics in Mexico
Childhood memories long ago
Miss World and Benny Hill
Five Little Monkeys and Jack and Jill
Penny Lane and The Fool On The Hill
Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill
Celebrating a pet’s birthday
Having a friendly game of swordplay
Interesting Drug and Picadilly Palare
The Big Wheel, The Ghost Train and Speedway
Never ever holding a grudge
Treating myself with a finger of fudge
Avoiding anything that’s a drudge
The wheels of a bus making snow dirt sludge
Hearing people say sorry and thanks
Summer picnics on riverbanks
Aquariums and large fish tanks
Any film starring Tom Hanks
Alan Bennett’s Talking Heads
Taking all my daily meds
Going to sleep with lots of zeds
Happy couples and newly weds
David Bellamy and Magnus Pyke
Riding my very first pushbike
Metal Guru and Truck On (Tyke)
ing the union and going on strike
The smell of coffee in the sixth form
A sky molten in a thunderstorm
Anything that makes you feel warm
Doing something out of the norm
Boys, Girls, Animals, Flowers
Glowing streaks of meteor showers
Super Heroes with incredible powers
Working for long hours
Sizzling onions on a barbecue
The silvery sheen of morning dew
Mamma Mia and Waterloo
Living in Sinclair Avenue
The sun setting on a beach full of seashells
Pounding feet echoing in stairwells
The up-turned tips of English Bluebells
Blowing minds by dropping bombshells
The National Eisteddfod in ‘73
The American Angelic Tree
Accepting homosexuality
Going to uni and getting a degree
School sports at Victoria Park
Oliver Reed on After Dark
Every single punctuation mark
Granite formations in Denmark
The last swallows in a darkened sky
Homemade apple pie
Hurricane Smith and Don’t Let It Die
A caterpillar turning into a butterfly
Popping explosions of Space Dust
Tug Of War and Wanderlust
Curly hair from eating crust
Up to 21 stick or bust
Juices splattering from a frying pan
Devil Gate Drive and Can The Can
Garlic and Coriander Nann
Lady Windermere’s Fan
Testing jokes at The Comedy Store
All 700 species of dinosaur
Patterson Park in Baltimore
Shakin’ Stevens’ Green Door
Cheese on toast at The Boys Brigade
Being totally unafraid
Winning a top accolade
Spending money on foreign aid
Dribbling steak fat spilling on a grill
Oral contraceptive pill
Having a hundred dollar bill
Helping people who are mentally ill
For the Borough Council lifting manholes
Great-Tailed Grackles and Baltimore Orioles
Taking part in public opinion polls
Polar bears and penguins, North and South Poles
Turning a frown upside down
19th Nervous Breakdown
Threepenny Bit and Half A Crown
London Bridge Is Falling Down
A clicking pen with a strong spring
A Platinum Diamond Wedding Ring
A man in a kilt doing The Highland Fling
Flying in a Westland Sea King
Dragonflies fizzing through beams of light
Tyson and Bruno in the ‘89 fight
Snickers and Fry’s Turkish Delight
Whatever Gets You Thru The Night
Being stirred inside by a sad song
Knowing the sense of right and wrong
When everybody gets along
David Beckham in a sarong
Waterfalls in Argentina
Fonteyn the Prima Ballerina
Learning to play the concertina
Roasted mushrooms with semolina
From a spider’s web rescuing a fly
Not being afraid to die
Celebrating the Fourth of July
Having a regular money supply
A midnight walk on a summer night
Rose-Flavoured Turkish Delight
A romantic dinner by candlelight
Keeping hold of the copyright
The mysterious smell of wet dirt
A casual short-sleeved polo shirt
The rubbery blob of a coloured sea squirt
A fabulously tight pleated skirt
Cherry Blossom Season in Japan
Jewellery fashioned by the Neanderthal Man
The leaping from the oven of The Gingerbread Man
Having a very good pension plan
At the bus stop when strangers talk
Going on a woodland walk
Billy Casper and his kestrel hawk
The attention-seeking parrot squawk
Hark The Herald Angels Sing
Trevor Eve as Eddie Shoestring
Not letting anybody use me as a plaything
A 14K gold or titanium nose ring
Standard Fireworks lighting up the sky
People who don’t care if you’re straight, gay or bi
Casablanca and As Time Goes By
You Have Killed Me and Life Is A Pigsty
The first record I ever bought
Wanting to be an astronaut
Thor in battle with Juggernaut
Never losing my train of thought
Picking scabs and squeezing spots
Having Covid booster shots
Plastic and fibreglass flower pots
Figure 8 and Half Knots
Spinning around in an office chair
Nothing Rhymed, Get Down and Claire
Hearing a little old lady swear
When guys at the urinals look and compare
The moment when you no longer feel sick
Being good at arithmetic
When the referee awards a free kick
Choosing the right lipstick
Drifting in and out of sleep
The Road Runner saying “Beep! Beep!”
Rocky Mountain Bighorn Sheep
Panic, London, Rubber Ring and Asleep
The crackling at the end of an old LP
Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea
A person’s idiosyncrasy
A seemingly everlasting pee
Argentinian waterfalls
Leaping over garden walls
Strength training with medicine balls
Shooting out of cannonballs
Stonehenge, The Northern Lights
Heavyweight Boxing fights
Chasing rainbows and flying kites
Gallant, handsome heroic knights
Winning goldfish at the fair
Paddington, Baloo and Rupert Bear
Anybody with an artistic flair
Polarised sunglasses cutting out the glare
Drinking in the staff room the last day at school
Pulling funny faces with Phil Cool
My first full length in the swimming pool
Getting drunk and falling off a stool
Delivering leaflets door to door
The winged fruit of the Sycamore
Being like a kid in a candy store
Blue-tiled domes in Ecuador
West Side Story, The King And I
Polyphemus the Cyclop with just one eye
Mini Scandi Crumble Pie
Oxygene and Magic Fly
Sun and rain at the same time
How you never forget a nursery rhyme
Bitter Shandy, Lager and Lime
Shouting “He’s behind you!” at the pantomime
Captain Morgan, Gordon’s Gin
Lots of room at the inn
A little old witch with a toothless grin
Holding on to a dolphin’s fin
Driving people round the bend
Winning the Pools, Spend Spend Spend
Laughing and joking with my best friend
Reading a poem to
The End
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