Waiting For A Miracle 601h46

ALSO BY JESSIE THOMPSON

BEHIND THE DOORS OF REALITY: TEARS OF A MILITARY WIFE

WAITING for a MIRACLE

JESSIE THOMPSON

WAITING FOR A MIRACLE

Copyright © 2017 JESSIE THOMPSON.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-3047-5 (sc) ISBN: 978-1-5320-3179-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017912864

iUniverse rev. date: 11/07/2017

Contents

Acknowledgements

A Tale Of Two Mothers

Thirteen

The Pact

Home Again

The Visit

Holiday Wishes

A New Kind Of Family

Grandmama

The Boneshakers

Charmed

Paperweight

Auntie Brat

Run Shoes Run

Norman

A New Attitude

He Touched Me

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First thanking God for the blessings that he have provided unto me. There have been so many unseen sacrifices that have been made on my behalf. There are many people deceased and living that has given cause for my existence and so many that have prayed for me and for this Lord, I thank you. I thank you for my son Phillipe whom I call King and I thank you for the time that you gave me with my daughter Lashonta before her untimely death. I thank you for my birth dad Jesse and Cornell Phillips, the father that raised me. I thank you for my brothers and sisters; Phyllis, Barbara, John, Johnnie Mae, Linda, William whom we refer to as Pete and Robert whom we call Thomp. I also thank you for the blessings of five healthy grandchildren; Dwayne, Christian, Jovan, Jade, Jeniah; and one adoptive granddaughter, Nakeyra. Lord, with your grace upon me I know that you will continue to shower me with your love and for this I’m truly grateful. I ask your blessings upon the people that I’ve encountered along the way, the ones that entrusted their life experiences unto me to help make this book possible. Lord, I pray that you continue to hold the rein on all of our lives and guide us forward in your will. When the day comes that we all gather together in your presence and we proudly bow before you as a family of one may you gesture your angels to lead us through your royal gates that we may abide with you forever. This I ask in the name of your son, Jesus Christ.

A TALE OF TWO MOTHERS

God gave me two mothers and for this I was ashamed not for the one who birth me, but for the one that had to learn my name

I felt she didn’t know how to love me neither did she even try I couldn’t understand why my first mother had to go live with the Lord on high

I did not know how to grieve for I was but a tiny child expected to adapt to whatever with a cute little smile

Went through life feeling like the outcast, always the fool always seems to be the one God wanted to abuse

But the years kept on rolling and time kept slipping away then early one Sunday morning God took my second mother away

My whole world crashed down around me then everything just stood still as I tried to figure out if this was really God’s will

Late one night as I slept my two mothers stood by my bed with angel wings so wide and halos above their heads

My first mother looked at my second mother and smiled she said, Thank you for taking care of my child

with me in the middle and them on each side I was enclosed in a hug of motherly pride

So I picked up my heart and packed away my tears and decided that I’m going to stay strong for the rest of my years

For I know a day will come when my two mothers will stand and wait with open arms to escort me into Heaven’s gate

In honorable memory of Fannie Mae Thompson and Norvella Phillips.

THIRTEEN

What a time to be surprised. Vanessa would have never guessed that one simple act would change things so drastically. Mom was working the graveyard shift as usual and wasn’t expected to be home for several hours. The Night Spot, a restaurant/night club located on the tip of exit 23 on the New England Interstate is a big trucker’s stop surrounded by strip clubs and bars. Most of the time after mom has settled the household she only had an hour to get to the restaurant, pull the money drawers, do a cash count and make the final drop into the safe that was already regulated not to open again for twelve hours. Being the oldest it was Vanessa’s responsibility to look out for the younger siblings. To make it a little easier on her mom saw to it that Tony and Lisa were bathed and in bed before she left for work. If it was the weekend she allowed Vanessa to stay up to watch the late show. Vanessa wanted mom to know that she could be depended upon. She tried hard to show maturity and keep herself out of trouble so that mom could depend upon her. She loved the fact that she was trusted with such a responsibility as being woman of the house in mom’s absence. Everything was working out until the day mom came home early and discovered that her most trusted child and Todd were having a hands-on biology study session. Vanessa tried to move quickly when she heard the key in the door, but by then it was too late. There Todd was stuck in the middle of the floor with his bare bottom exposed as he held a pillow tightly in front. The expression on mom’s face let Vanessa know that she was too astonished to allow anger to erase this moment. Suddenly the ruffles, ribbons and Shirley Temple curls could no longer symbolize the sweetness of pure innocence. Mom can no longer look upon her as her precious good little girl. Not now that she has become the other woman; the mistress. At that very moment the relationship between Vanessa and mom changed forever. The ideas that Vanessa had hoping that one day the bond between herself and mom would become more on a friendship level than mother and child burst in her head like a balloon that someone stuck a pin in.

While looking for a hiding place Vanessa ran into the bathroom and locked the door. She fell to the floor and began to pray hoping prayer could get her out of this predicament. She began to compromise with herself; there is no sin that God will not forgive. How should she begin this prayer? Our father which art in Heaven, the Lord is my shepherd I shall not want, deliver me from the pestilence fowler…. Perhaps it’s too late for that one. She listened earnestly preparing what to do when mom kicks the door in. It dawned on her that running into the bathroom was not a smart idea. She just trapped herself in a small space with nowhere to go, even if she climbed out the window, then what? Mom’s footsteps paced up and down the hallway followed by Todd pleading for forgiveness. Through it all she never heard mom’s voice but she imagined what mom was doing. She closed her eyes. She could see mom’s hands flaring up and down in the air. She heard something fall to the floor. Jesus, I hope she’s not packing she thought. Vanessa squatted on the floor between the toilet and the wall until the house was once again silent. She slowly unlocked the door and peeped out into the silence. She saw nothing other than the glow of the nightlight. She huddled close to the wall and crept to her room jumping into the bed and pulling the covers over her head. She begged that death would come quickly. One blow to the head and this all will be over. Todd was all of six feet tall, slender and has the smoothest black skin you’ve ever seen on a person that dark. His skin almost glows a bluish tint under direct sunlight, but handsome was all he had going for him because beneath that gorgeous exterior a real man was trapped and trying desperately to escape. Vanessa doesn’t quite how it all started neither could she logically explain why she did what she did or why she allowed this to continue for so long, all she know is that she wish she could take it all back or that there was something that she could say to mom that would justify for forgiveness. She spent days trying to come up with the right words of apology or how to even begin the conversation. It was killing her that mom was acting as if she didn’t see what she saw. Although she was young, Vanessa was old enough to know better, so using her age was not an excuse. She knew that she could have put a stop to the relationship with Todd had she just told mom the first time it happened, but she found herself waiting and anticipating his touch. There were times when all she could think about was if tonight was going to be a session night, how he was going to approach her and where she was going to feel his touch first; from the ankle up or from the head down? Although she tried not to seem too anxious, she longed for him and wanted to be ready when he arrived.

Each time the clock ticked her heart thumped. She felt every pulsating beat. Mom was busy arranging the last minute details before running out the door for work. She reminded Vanessa to sweep the kitchen floor then turn off the light. Vanessa had already taken her shower and was preparing to cuddle up with her blanket and pillow when mom turned the key in the door locking it securely. What her mom didn’t know was that Vanessa wore no panties beneath the flannel night gown. The anticipation was already overbearing and the grown-up feeling she got with each session made her feel so much more mature than she really was. Todd made her aware of all the blossoming areas of her body and what was protruding and growing hair. It was the highlight of her sexuality as he showed her how to love every single growth spurt. She must have dozed off when he entered the room with mom’s make-up case. She smelled the heat from his cologne as he ran his fingers through her hair. Vanessa knew she was trapped on an emotional roller coaster of ecstasy that usually ended with him carrying her off to bed and tucking her in for the night. His soft lips on hers caressed her into a deep sleep. Her last memory of the evening usually ended with her falling asleep in his arms. The only thing she felt the next day was the unusual tingling of her vagina as a reminder of the previous night’s caressing and no matter how she tried to hide it she was constantly going into the girl’s room to check the front of her pants afraid that someone would notice the wet spot threatening to soak through. Maybe it was her own guilt that made Vanessa suspicious, but mom seemed to be extremely quiet the next few days. It was as if nothing had happened. She went on with her daily routines as always, never making mentions of what she had walked in on. Vanessa’s bedroom was directly across the hall from moms. Mom never allow closed doors fearing that there might be a break-in, a fire or something. She said everyone should always be aware of their surroundings. Closed doors are for dressing and undressing. It was difficult to sleep not knowing what mom might do or how she felt. Oh, how Vanessa wished mom would just say something, whip her, punish her or treat her bad; any reaction would indicate what was going on in her mind. But mom wasn’t giving any signs. The only thing that changed with Todd was the evening sessions. Every morning he’d rise ten minutes before the alarm sounded, shower, shave and manicure

himself in front of the full-length mirror. He obviously knew that Vanessa was tempted to watch as he dropped the towel to the floor and proceeded to apply body lotion. Slowly turning from side to side as he ran his hand up and down his body assuring that she got a clear view of every single movement. What was once entertaining to her has now become disgusting. She realizes that she let this charade go way too far and these behaviors has now become too much for her to handle. She doesn’t know what to do or say to make it stop. She would like to get up and close her door, but with the situation being as it was she wasn’t about to challenge mom’s rule. Perhaps she was drifting off to sleep and allowing her imagination to get the best of her, but just as Todd turned to remove the plastic from the suit mom picked up from the cleaners’ yesterday mom rose behind him. There was something in her hand and with one blow to the head Todd’s half-dressed body fell to the floor. Tony and Lisa were grieved that their dad was dead, but Vanessa was relieved; it was over, or was it? She was wakened by her little sister hitting at her bed covers. Mom said you’re late for school, get up she insisted. Vanessa sat upon the side of the bed and focused her attention towards the clock that was reading seven fifteen. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Scared and confused she hopped off the bed, ran past mom’s room and down the hallway into the bathroom. Her heart was pounding hard and her hands were shaking. She placed her back against the closed door and tried to jiggle herself back to reality. She leaned over the sink and turned on the water using the noise of the running water and flushing toilet to try and drown out the picture that had taken precedence in her head over and over again. She saw mom standing in disbelief as the two of them scrambled to find a safe hideaway. She quickly jumped into the shower hoping to once again wash away the guilt that now has her in bondage. After dressing she slowly walked towards the kitchen where mom invited her to sit. She has been in trouble for small incidents like not washing the dishes or leaving the light on overnight, but it’s going to take a miracle to get out of this mess. This was a situation that only God could get glory from. It wasn’t easy for Vanessa to smile back at mom as mom placed her plate on the table in front of her. The toast was already jellied and eggs running with cheese just the way she like it. Mom’s voice was just as pleasant as always but there was a certain kind of sadness in her eyes. Hurry up and get finished the school bus will be here soon Vanessa, mom said looking back over her shoulder; make

sure everyone gets their lunch. Yes Ma’am; Vanessa replied with a low soft voice. Mom proceeded down the hallway and disappeared into her bedroom closing the door behind her. Three brown paper bags were lined up on the edge of the counter as usual; one for Tony, one for Lisa and one for Todd. Vanessa complained so much about the horrible lunch menu at her school that mom ordered her a lunch card and usually kept a few dollars on it so she could buy some off-menu items on the days that she couldn’t stomach the school meal. People have said that the school meals at Sommerville High were much better, so next year she won’t have to worry about a meal card. By the time mom returned to the kitchen she was dressed in the aqua blue pants suit that she had bought to wear to Vanessa’s graduation. Her face was covered in shiny bronze make-up with marooned lipstick carefully outlined in brown pencil to give her full lips the appearance of thinness. She was rustling around as if she was late for a meeting of some kind. The fact that mom was wearing this outfit gave Vanessa an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach because once mom buys something for a certain occasion she saves it for that occasion only and the fact that she wasn’t preparing to get some sleep after a long night of working let Vanessa know something was about to change. Vanessa is so used to seeing her mother in that awful waitress outfit that she almost forgot how beautiful and shapely she really is. Vanessa never understood why she wore a waitress uniform anyway because she’s the boss and the owner of the Night Spot. It was intentional on the part of mom that their eyes never met as Vanessa rushed Lisa and Tony out the door to the bus stop.

THE PACT

It was a week before graduation and the class had just returned from ceremonial practice. The school day was almost at an end when the office monitor entered and handed a slip of paper to the teacher. Vanessa Parker she spoke in an authoritative voice, take your things and go down to Principal Anderson’s office. All eyes and heads turned towards Vanessa as she curiously did as she was told without disrupting the class to ask any questions. The monitor was already gone when Vanessa was handed the hall . There was a lady standing outside the office watching as Vanessa drew closer. She inspected Vanessa from head to toe. She was a very stern looking older woman with no intentions of cracking a smile. Vanessa knew she hadn’t done anything wrong, as a matter of fact for the last two months after the Todd incident she made sure she was extra good. Principal Anderson introduced Vanessa to her. Vanessa Parker she began, this is Ms. May from the Department of Child Services. She’s here to speak with you. Suddenly Vanessa’s mind began searching for reasons that this woman needed to speak with her with such urgency that she needed to pull her out of class. Surely mom didn’t tell this stranger about the Todd incident. As the door closed behind them the woman reached down into her brief case and pulled out a folder with Vanessa’s name written on the tab. There were several forms laying inside. Vanessa noticed the neat handwriting belonging to her mom. Your mom has made arrangements she began to place you in foster care. Vanessa almost lost control of her bodily functions. Her lips weren’t moving, but her mind was asking a hundred questions. The only words Vanessa could muster was, what? I’m here to take you to meet your new foster parents the lady continued. The words “foster care” and “foster parents” were stuck on stupid in Vanessa’s brain. The lady stood up and took Vanessa by the arm. Vanessa snatched back and prepared to bolt out of the office when two men that had been standing in the rear took hold of her. Vanessa began to scream hoping someone would come to see what all the commotion was about. Principal Anderson walked behind her desk and sat down folding her hands on the manila folder watching as the two men led Vanessa back to her seat. Save yourself the embarrassment Ms. May insisted. You’re only going to bring attention to yourself and then everyone will be in your business.

As they reached the outside Vanessa’s eyes connected with her friend Elana. One of the men still had a firm grip on Vanessa’s upper arm leading her to the parking lot. Elana sensed that her friend was in need of help began walking fast in their direction. As she got closer she saw that tears were freely flowing down Vanessa’s face. She tried to unlock the helpless stare that held them connected. Elana dropped her book bag and ran faster. By the time she reached the van Vanessa was locked away in the rear and her hands fell along the sticker on the door that read Department of Social Services. Vanessa watched helplessly as her friend’s screaming and crying confused body drifted further and further away. Through the closeness of their friendship and the secrets that they shared Elana was sure Vanessa would have told her if something happened or what would cause this, but now she find herself standing in the distance with no answers. Elana scrambled back to her book bag to find her cell phone. She quickly dialed 9-1-1. Listen, she cried into the receiver, my friend was just kidnapped. Once Elana was done giving all the details of the incident the operator put her on hold. When she returned to the phone she assured her that everything will be taken care of and instructed her not to worry. By the time reality set in Vanessa was sitting in a cubicle waiting for her sentencing. She caught a quick glimpse of her mother as she wisped the doorway. Vanessa ran out of the cubicle in her direction just to find that they were separated by a glass wall. The man that assisted in forcing her into the van stepped in front and grabbed her by both arms and pushed her back into the office space insisting that she stay put. Ignoring his presence she cried Mom as loud as she could. Her mother didn’t even acknowledge the sound of her voice. She continued to walk until she entered the staircase and the door closed behind her. Vanessa felt imprisoned, alone, and betrayed. She was scared, hungry and cold. Abandoned by the one person that she thought truly loved her; rejected without a word spoken. This began a recurrence of episodes in Vanessa’s life. She felt as if she was being traded and swapped like an animal in wander. She was ed from one foster home to another. There were no questions asked, no explanations and never too many words spoken. Ms. Nancy was a nice lady, an older woman with grey highlights just on the edges of her hairline. She welcomed Vanessa with comforting arms. She almost seemed thankful for the transport to leave so they could be alone. She was what the system called a hop mom because she only took children in for a temporary

stay until other arrangements were made. She has seen many children come and go for reasons far beyond their understandings. She seemed lonely and was more than happy to have the company. The blue circles surrounding her dark brown pupils gave Ms. Nancy the appearance that she’d seen a lot of hardships in her lifetime. If you give her the chance she’s sure to have a collection of stories waiting to be told. Her olive colored skin didn’t have deep wrinkles, but the tiny freckles on her cheekbone suggested that she was once a beautiful young woman. Vanessa was the only child there at the time and she was glad for that. She needed time to get her thoughts together so she could figure out how to get herself out of this situation. She never gave running away much thought before, but this seemed like a good time to do so. Ms. Nancy focused all the attention to her. She sympathized with Vanessa and allowed her to do as much talking as she wanted. Over the next few days she did all she could to help Vanessa adjust to her new living arrangement and prepare her for what she might expect would happen next. She took hold of Vanessa’s hand and tried to convince her that time heals all pain and that she will be just fine in the long run. She held her close in her arms and let her talk for as long as she wanted as she dried her tears and did her best to cuddle her to sleep. Vanessa woke embarrassed that she had fallen asleep in the arms of a stranger. She told Ms. Nancy that this was a punishment from God, but she could not find the nerve to explain why God was so harsh. She knew what she did was wrong, but she felt that the punishment is way too exaggerated for it. How could someone who proclaims to be so loving be so brutal? Deep inside she knew she deserved everything that she was experiencing, but she was angry just the same; Angry with the fact that her mother chose to disown her rather than discuss the situation, angry that she was so weak to temptation and angry that she has to accept the way people now perceive her. The only things Vanessa now owned were the clothes on her back, two outfits that Ms. Nancy gave to her and the items in her book bag. Just when she began to get comfortable with her arrangement the van featuring the same logo that picked her up from the school and dropped her off came back to transfer her to another location. It didn’t make sense to ask questions because by now Vanessa understood that no matter what she thought, the situation was out of her hands. She may as well have been invisible. Rather than fight a losing battle she just laid her head back and forced herself to go to sleep. When she awoke they were pulling up in front of a building that looked like an old retirement nursing home. The clock on the dashboard read eleven twenty. Two

hours and ten minutes later than when they started. The only inscription over the door were the words twenty twelve which Vanessa assumed was the address. The man reached out his hand to help her down the step of the van, but Vanessa sucked her teeth and shoved past him as if he wasn’t really there. All she wanted right now was for someone to point her in the direction that she was expected to adapt to. The door was buzzed opened after a short intercom conversation between the driver and whomever was on the other end. Vanessa was led down a dimly lit hallway into a small office. Once the introductions were completed a woman handed her a white envelope and a brown paper bag. The sticker on the envelope read Haley’s School for Gifted Girls. Inside was a welcome packet which included several common information forms, a diagram of the building layout, a daily operational schedule and the rules and regulations which the woman verbally read to her. There are one hundred and thirty seven other girls in this facility she explained and we all get along as family. Everyone has chores which must be done by a certain time. Class attendance is a must! No one is going to force you to do anything, but if you want to stay here I suggest you abide by the rules. This might not be where you want to be, but it’s better than being nowhere, she said looking Vanessa directly in the face. Your room number is two sixteen. Take those stairs right there she said pointing to a sign above a metal door. You are assigned to the bed on the left. There are two other girls already in the room. She walked Vanessa to the door and pointed down the hallway. You can go to the room, make your bed and get adjusted. Lunch will be served in a half hour in the dining hall on the left she said pointing to the open room next to the front entrance. The front door locks at ten o’clock p.m., no visitors and all bags coming into the building will be checked by security. How well you do here is strictly up to you. Enjoy your stay. Vanessa looked at her and wondered how many time she has given that speech because all her motions were robotic and straight to the point. In the room were two beds already made up with matching flowered bedspreads. The bed that was set in the left corner had a bundle of folded covers sitting on it and a foot locker next to the one dresser that was obviously for the few belongings she came with. The room was not large, yet large enough to give each girl a good amount of space. She was grateful that the other girls weren’t in the room at the time. She wasn’t interested in talking or trying to get to know her roommate or anyone else in the house right now. She crumbled up the rule sheet and tossed it across the bed until it bounced off the wall and landed between the covers and the wall. The tears slowly ran down her cheek. She was lonely. She couldn’t see how these strangers were about to take the place of her family. She

felt like she was sat upon a conveyer belt, just moving along from one place to another, no one asking her anything, just taking her places and telling her what she is to be doing. Again she had to re-adjust. She wondered how many times she will have to do this before she reached her final destination. Anger began to consume her spirit and taunt her normally pleasant personality. She was ashamed of what she had done. What exactly am I gifted at she questioned herself; breaking up relationships, breaking up homes, breaking up families, sleeping with other people’s men? She wanted so deeply to hate her mother, but something inside of her wouldn’t let that feeling last for more than a few minutes of meditation. After all it wasn’t her mother’s fault that she’s now in this place. If she hadn’t done what she did she’d probably still be at home. She picked up the white envelope that was handed to her upon her arrival and inspected the contents. A large X marked the corridor of the sleeping quarters reading you are here. She traced her way from her room around to the dining hall, the gymnasium, auditorium, day room, kitchen, staff dormitories and back. She opened the brown paper bag and pulled out two outfits that looked like elementary school uniforms. She dropped the items on the bed and sat down next to them. She tried not to focus upon them, but they seemed to have been waiting for her attention. She picked up the shirt and checked the size in the collar. Medium she thought, everything she wears now is small. Then the rustling of feet broke her concentration upon the clothes and she opened the door and looked down the long hallway. The building didn’t seem this large from the outside she thought. She checked the clock on the wall. People were beginning to come out of rooms and head towards the dining hall. She followed. There were tables set up the same as the cafeteria in her school. Several ladies were standing behind a serving line dropping food onto a plate as the students ed along. She was the only one not wearing beige and blue so it was obvious that she was new. Some girls smiled at her and motioned her in line in front of them. The food is pretty good one of the girls said trying to begin a conversation. Vanessa smiled and kept moving forward. She was hungry from the trip. She received mashed potatoes with gravy, fried chicken and a salad. Once she got her drink she found a table in the corner and sat down. Lunch was over quickly and everyone dispersed again. Mrs. Robinson walked up to her and asked, did you read your schedule? Yes, Vanessa replied, do I do that now? Do you know where you go from here? She asked. Vanessa replied, no ma’am, I need to go back to my room and read the schedule a little closer. Very well, Mrs. Robinson said as she walked away.

As time went by Vanessa realized that no one was paying her situation any attention. Everyone had their own interests and some of their reasons had nothing to do with being gifted either. Instead of always being angry she became more focused upon Vanity whose bed was directly across from hers. Vanity was vibrant and most of the time acting as if she was on a major sugar high and most of the time just curiously entertaining. Rachael, the other roommate was five months pregnant and spent most of her time sleeping. Rachael had only been at the girl’s home a few weeks. She had been living on the streets when Social Services picked her up. Her skin was always pale and she was very much undernourished. If she placed her entire body under the covers which she sometimes do it’s hard to tell if a body is there or not. She was very shy probably because she read on a third grade level and found it difficult to keep up with the other students in the class. She couldn’t read the clock on the wall, but counted money like a banker. The lifestyle that Vanessa spoke of was Rachael’s dream family and Rachael spent hours trying to convince Vanessa not to hate her mother because at least her mother made some type of arrangements for her. Rachael’s mother, however was so strung out on drugs that she probably still don’t realize that her baby is gone. Rachael stood five feet six inches, weighed about eighty five pounds and wore a thirty eight double dee bra before the pregnancy. Her thirteen year old mind had been conditioned to always be on the defense, therefore the other girls learned to choose their words carefully when in her presence. Some people believed that she was eighteen except for her stepfather who allotted her food in exchange for satisfied paying customers and a sore behind for complaints. Then there were those who decided after the favor was done that she wasn’t worth the money. Needing a coat or a blanket required extra favors and keeping those items required being a good girl and doing what she’s told without resistance. School was never important to Rachael. It was too difficult to keep up with her real life and studies at the same time. The few times that she did attend she was never placed in the appropriate grade for her age. The other children either teased her about how scrawny she was or bullied her just because they could. She found herself in many fights that led to suspensions. She was labeled by the teachers, counselors and other staff as a trouble maker. Eventually she stopped going altogether and practiced how to attract more and more customers. This was obviously a job that she was never going to be good at, but had to maintain for the sake of staying alive. This included the times when she had to get in more practice with her pimp/stepfather. Life for her was work; dirty work. School and friends were only in the childhood creation that often invaded her mind. A group

home for her was not only shelter but a retreat and protection. She was more grateful to be there than anyone could begin to imagine. Several times Vanessa used the shared telephone in the lobby to try and call home, but each time she reached a recording instructing her to try her call again. She realized that her mother either changed the number or blocked her calls. She had no pictures to remind her of her family, her cell phone had been taken away and all she had left were her memories; the memories that was beginning to fade. Many nights she cried herself to sleep thinking about the family that abandoned her. She never thought the day would come when she’d wish for that white van to come back, but she did over and over again hoping they would take her back home. Year after year her heart ached and her pillow lost its stability from being squeezed too tight. If she had to she’d beg her mother’s forgiveness. Eventually she convinced herself that she would probably never see any of them again. That was the most she could do to encourage herself to move on. Vanessa buried the guilt of being kicked out of the family and accepted the lifestyle that has been handed to her; at least she tried to believe she did. She often wondered what exaggerated lies, stories or excuses were given for her absence. It was always the darkness of the late night that called her back home. In her dreams she placed herself at the Thanksgiving table and on the sofa watching everyone open Christmas presents. Her dreams were never pleasant. The company of family comforted her. She was wakened by the spirits that came to find her; reminding her that the thoughts she longed for are not real. She wondered if anyone grieved her absence. Did they even realize that she’s gone? To keep the memories from visiting too often she dedicated her time to mentoring Rachael after everyone had went to bed. She taught her to read on her grade level and even how to read the clock on the wall. She convinced the school counselor to ister a state test that would move Rachael’s body into the grade in which she belonged. They promised each other that they would graduate High School together. This gave Vanity an idea. As the rain pounced upon the window pane the three girls sat in their room. Vanity finally settled down and began showing signs of being a teenager. She was about a year younger than the other two girls. She thought it would be a good idea if they made a pact. Making a circle on the carpet between two of the beds Vanity pulled a safety pin out of the hole in her pajamas and declared that they become blood sisters. Neither Vanessa nor Rachael had ever heard of a

blood sister, so Vanity began to explain. They began discussing their future. We all realized that life has many roads and sometimes they twist, turn and dip like a roller coaster, right, Vanity explained. We need to make a promise that no matter what happens in our future we will always stay in touch with each other like sisters. The other two girls agreed. Vanity held the safety pin and she went first pricking her finger for blood. She ed it to Vanessa who was a bit skeptical, but eventually she bled too. Then it was Rachael’s turn. She poked and poked, but each time no blood. Press harder Vanity insisted. Once again, still no blood. Vanity snatched the pin from her hand and grabbed her finger and stuck the point in so deep she felt tears well up in her eyes. Rachael watched in pain as the blood began to run down the length of her finger. She couldn’t believe Vanity was so harsh. Oh stop being a baby Vanity teased. Vanity held up her finger and pressed it against Vanessa’s finger and then she squeezed some more blood from it and held it up in the air so Rachael could press her finger to their finger. Oh what the hell, Rachael thought, I’m already bleeding to death. She held up her finger and pressed it tightly to Vanessa’s finger and then held it up again so Vanity could do the same. Blood sisters, they agreed. Vanity grabbed a piece of paper from the top of her dresser and began to write down rules of the pact. Number one she said, we will never part. Number two we will always look out for each other. Number three we will not speak against each other. Number four when we leave this school we will stay in touch with each other. Vanessa stood by her promise and accompanied Rachael to many of her medical appointments and accepted the role of Godmother to her daughter. She offered hope and encouragement when times were hard and assured Rachael that she and her baby were going to be alright as long as she continued to believe and trust in God. Rachael didn’t quite understand the God thing, but it felt good to know that someone was looking out for her and loved her unconditionally. While trying to be a mentor for others disappointment was stirring inside Vanessa and her depiction of that good little church girl that as she was raised to be began to drift and the good-girl persona dissipated with the wind. Rachael and Vanity struggled to keep her on track by constantly reminding her of the rules of the pact, but the more Vanessa longed for her family the more she resented pact. No one could replace my family she commanded silently and the more she thought about it, the more the pact thing seemed immature, fake and phony. She no longer wanted to be a member and neither did she want anything that reminded her of it. She spent hours trying to think up a way to get vengeance against her mother. It wasn’t long before she stopped going to the chapel for

service or bible studies. Something inside of her was searching for something from her past. Something more than the bible could offer. She no longer cared what other people thought of her. She spent more time in front of the television, not that she was watching because most of the time her mind was miles from the scene on the screen. She craved to be out on the streets just to capture the feeling of freedom so she taught herself how to manipulate the staff to acquire travel es. She walked through the worst of the neighborhoods and involved herself with the teens that hung in the rear of the park. She wanted to be like them. She wanted to be popular. She wanted to be invited to the house parties and drink all night. She learned how to steal to get what she wanted, hustle for what she needed and fight when she felt disrespected. She gave no thought to speaking her mind without guilt even if it was to an adult. She learned to smoke cigarettes, little cigars and marijuana. This was the ideal life of a teenager and it was good, fearless and free. The funny thing is, no matter how wild and out of control she became there was always a small ache deep inside that convicted her. This conviction forced her to wonder what her mother would say, think or do. Vanessa tried to erase those memories although she knew that it was already instilled within her. Each time she headed towards the kids that was in the rear of the park she could hear her mother telling her that she was a leader and not a follower. She knew that if she got caught it would be her own fault. Even though she didn’t prick fingers with her mother she was trapped in her mother’s pact. Vanessa convinced herself that her mom did her a favor by releasing her from the slavery of raising kids that wasn’t hers. If her mom could turn her back on her so easily she couldn’t imagine what happened to Todd. Vanessa thought about the time Ms. Nancy told her that it was up to her to one day forgive her mother. That’s the only way you can apologize without words and live a guilt-free life because sometimes words have no feelings and if you continue to bear the burden of this guilt one day it’s going to weigh you down until it destroys you entirely. Vanessa understood what she meant she just couldn’t figure out how to lay down that burden. Most of the house mothers didn’t pay much attention to what the girls were doing as long as they did their chores, kept the place clean, got along with each other and didn’t break curfew. It was mandatory that the girls learn basic life skills such as cleaning, cooking, laundering and physical health and it was the job of the tutors to make sure the girls kept up with their education and school

assignments. Late that evening Rachael was awakened by a sharp pain in her back followed by another and another. The two girls convinced Rachael that it would be cool to deliver the baby themselves so the baby would be born into the pact, but the pain became so excruciating that Rachael’s cries woke up everybody on the second floor. The house mother came so fast that she forgot to put on her robe after jumping out of the bed. Perhaps it was coincidental, but because the baby came kicking and screaming into the world on that rainy Friday evening and Rachael’s last name is Weathers she decided to name her Rainey. The girls were reprimanded for trying to hide the fact that Rachael was in labor. It was a stupid idea the house mother shrieked. Rachael and Rainey was moved to the advanced living quarters. The room was shared with another girl who had also given birth and was waiting for an apartment on the outside. Those floor mothers were ed nurses who taught the girls what they needed to know to care for the infants. They had specially trained in recognizing signs of post-partum depression, mental and medical issues and child abuse. Rainey was growing up beautifully. She was a happy baby, so full of energy and even though Vanessa and Rachael were now on different floors they always found time to socialize in the lounge. Vanity had expanded her social circle and the pact of three has now grown to a full page list of names. On Rachael’s eighteenth birthday Vanessa and Vanity thought it would be a nice gesture to surprise her with a hand-made card, balloons and a cupcake with a single candle. Vanessa hid the cigarette lighter deep into her Jeans pocket as they snuck up the back staircase to the fourth floor, the nurse’s lounge and into Rachael’s room where they found her packing. The house mother on duty had called her into the counselor’s office and instructed her to sign herself out of the home. Not that it was unexpected, but it came as a shock just the same. There were arrangements for a move across town where she and Rainey could settle into an apartment of their own. This was an untimely and unfortunate moment for Rachael who had just a few more months left to graduate. However, the law now recognizes Rachael as an adult; therefore the home could no longer financially accommodate her stay. She was given directions and instructed to complete her studies at the local Job Corp. The years that was spent at the girl’s home still did not make her ready for what she was expected to do on her own with a three year old and no high school diploma. Her main worry was that her mother would find her and probably sell her out to a pimp again. Vanessa tried pleading the contract rules with the counselors acknowledging that Rachael could stay simply because

one of the rules of extension which was based on the fact that she was academically on track and within months of graduation, but by the time this message was relayed to the head office the house mother had already dismissed her with a smile and well wishes. Every Friday Vanessa and Vanity would took the city bus across town to check up on them. Upon several occasions Vanessa noticed that Rachael had encountered some friends that were in her life for no good reasons at all. As a blood sister Vanessa tried to express her concerns to Rachael and found herself on the other side of the locked door dismissed with a mind your business attitude. It wasn’t so much that Rachael told her to mind her business in a rude and disrespectful manner, but the fact that she threw away their friendship as if it didn’t matter at all. The last that Vanessa heard from Rachael she was back out on the streets living her mother’s life cycle and Rainey was in the care of child services. Vanessa wished she could help her or even save her some heartache, but she knew that that lifestyle was way over her head and she wasn’t going to let Satan pull her out there too. She knew the best she could do was pray for her. Vanessa walked into the counselor’s office and sat down. Ms. Morrison was sitting behind the desk. When she looked up at Vanessa there was a look of concern on Vanessa’s face. Vanessa was known to speak boldly when there’s something on her mind, but today she didn’t know where to start. Ms. Morrison had already concluded that whatever was there, Vanessa had been thinking about it for a long time. Ms. Morrison folded he hands on top of the papers she was reading and waited for Vanessa to state her visit. Is there any way I could get a job here after graduation? She asked. Ms. Morrison was puzzled yet delighted with the question. Are you trying to be a counselor, a house aide or one of the tutors? Ms. Morrison asked. Vanessa replied, I don’t know. Once again Ms. Morrison was stunned yet pleased with the reply. Ms. Morrison is one of the few counselors who will help anyone who is trying to help themselves. What is it that you think you could do around here she asked Vanessa. Wherever you put me, I’m willing to learn whatever it takes she spat out with great enthusiasm. Ms. Morrison smiled and said, you know Ms. Parker, I’ve been watching you for a while and I’ve been working here for a long time. I’ve seen girls come and go. Some of them are successful in life and some not so much, but I sense a different kind of spirit in you. I’ve read your file and I understand that there has to be more than what is filled out on those forms. What is it that brought you here? Vanessa looked around the office at nothing particular. She was trying to carefully answer the question. There is only one person she has revealed the

truth to and that was Rachael and now she questions the value of her privacy. She likes Ms. Morrison, but she’s not going to trust her with her story, so she looked back at Ms. Morrison, smiled and said if there’s an opening could you please think of me? When Vanessa retreated to her room there was an envelope sitting on her bed. She turned it over. It was addressed in large curvy print. Without even looking at the return address she knew it was from her mother. Vanessa contemplated ripping it up without reading it. She stared at it for a few minutes and dropped it back upon the bed and walked out of the room. She was extremely quiet during the evening meal. Each time she thought about the letter she fought back tears. After supper she volunteered to help with the clean-up process. Once she realized that she couldn’t avoid the issue any longer she moped towards her room. She flicked on the light and glanced at the letter that still waited for her attention. What could her mother possibly have to say to her now? She ripped open the top, plopped down on the bed and removed the single sheet of paper inside.

Hello Vanessa:

I know it’s been a long time and I know that you are probably still angry with me. I’ve been keeping up with your progress and I want to say congratulations upon your graduation. I’ve always known that you would keep your head up and make me proud. It took me a long time to get over that awful evening. I’ve done a lot of thinking and a lot of praying. I’ve asked God to give me a clean heart of forgiveness and I’ve accepted his gift. I hope you can one day forgive me too for the drastic decision I made. I want you to know that I never stopped loving you. My heart ached for a long time. You were my first born and you will always be special to me. Lisa and Tony has been wondering what happened to you. I simply told them that your father wanted you to come live with him and that is where you have been all these years. For the sake of burying memories we moved out of that house. My phone number is 433-2110 and my address is 321 Gresham Street. Perhaps in celebration of your graduation we can have a barbecue in the

backyard. There’s someone I want you to meet. I can come get you on Saturday. Please call and let me know what you decide.

Love, Mom

HOME AGAIN

Graduation came three months before Vanessa’s eighteenth birthday. The auditorium was filled with family cheering on their loved ones for good luck. Vanessa stood waiting for her name to be called from the alphabetic listing which she followed on the commencement program. Linda Owens was shaking hands with Principal Mulkenbury. Mr. Marshall, The senior guidance counsellor announced the next graduate; Vanessa Parker. A single cheer came from the left side of the room. She peered into the crowd to see who it was that was ing her. She focused her eyes past the glaring bright lights to where her mother stood in an aqua blue suit representing the color that was chosen for the Junior high school graduation that she never attended. Vanessa was delighted that someone was there to her although it was awkward that her mother would be the one to show up today. It has been almost five years since her mother walked down the stairs at the Social Service office ignoring her cries. All the forgotten angers erupted inside Vanessa stirring around like lost butterflies in the pit of her stomach. Ignoring the noise, she accepted the piece of paper shook the Principal’s hand and exited the other side of the stage. Back in her seat she put her head down, not because she was crying, but because she was praying for God to give her strength enough to hold her tongue. She repeated one of the Ten Commandments as well as she ed it. Honor thy father and thy mother that your days may be long upon the land in which the Lord thy God has given thee. When the assembly was dismissed Vanessa lost herself in the crowd and exited out the side door. She wasn’t in the mood to face her mother right now. She hadn’t given much thought lately in what she would say to her. She didn’t call her back after receiving the letter and she wasn’t sure if her anger would come bouncing back. She didn’t want to disrespect her or burn a bridge before she’d completed plans for a place to live after she turned eighteen. As for tonight, she was satisfied with the cake and ice cream the home had set up to celebrate graduates. As Vanessa stood before the mirror in her room she wasn’t sure if she should be grateful or upset. Her roommate watched as she paced the floor having a conversation with herself. What nerve, she spoke out loudly. What nerve does she have showing up as if I was just supposed to embrace her as if nothing has

happened? No phone calls, no let’s talk about it, no Merry Christmas in the past four years, no kiss my ass, nothing! But she shows up today as if I am just supposed to forget about everything that’s happened. Well, I’m not like her. I can’t walk around acting as if nothing happened. I can’t just make a decision to ruin someone’s life and move on as if everything is good. She stomped her feet and slammed her hand on top of the dresser. She sat on the bed and studied the lines in the carpet. She tried to calm down but found herself popping up on her feet again. She looked out the window at the people ing along the street. She paced the room again until she was exhausted enough to lay down and sleep it off. In a vision she saw herself floating on a piece of ice, drifting further and further out to sea. Through a single cloud shone a ray of sunlight. She drifted close to it, but then someone snatched her and hid her behind some hedges. She knew to keep quiet though she didn’t know why. When she awoke she thought about the dream. She wasn’t sure why she was hiding. It seems that there’s more to the story than she understood. Later that evening she received a phone call. Her mother’s voice was soft and pleasant as she requested to visit with her. I know you’re angry she said, but I think it’s time we talk about it. We have to get over this and the only way I know to get over a mountain is to climb it. Vanessa replied, you know mom, we could have climbed this mountain years ago. I know Vanessa, her mother interrupted, but I wasn’t ready then and neither were you. There’s a lot to talk about. Please, your family misses you. I wrote you in hopes that you will us this weekend. Lisa and Tony have been asking for you. Please. I’m staying at a hotel tonight. Can I pick you up in the morning? Early the next morning Ms. Raquan the house mother knocked upon the door of her bedroom to inform her that she had a visitor in the lobby. Vanessa already knew who it was. If it wasn’t for the fact that she mentioned Lisa and Tony Vanessa probably would have told her to go away, instead she was packed and ready to go. The only thing she was contemplating was how to greet her after all these years of separation. She stood before the mirror for a final practice. Should she give the good girl, respectful daughter persona or the “f” “U” attitude? She wanted to see her brother and sister again and be within the gathering of the family, but the anger that she keeps telling herself has subsided keeps resurfacing. How would she act if she had to face Todd again? What if he was there? How could she control her emotions and act as if nothing happened the way her mother is acting as if nothing happened? When she reached the lobby she stood at a distance and just looked at her mother. She decided to let the cards

fall where they may and let wherever happens, happen. Mrs. Parker looked over at her daughter. She adored her caramel colored skin. For most of the trip Vanessa tried to remain quiet. Mom was making small talk. Although she was happy to be heading home Vanessa still had so many questions she needed answers to and so many questions she wanted to answer. Five years of thinking about this situation has changed her perspective. She wanted to believe that she still loved her mother very much, but she has lost so much respect for her because of the way she handled it. Vanessa couldn’t figure out if her mom looked much older or extremely stressed. She avoided looking at her mother straight forward and just viewed her from the corners of her eyes. When she was exhausted with her own thoughts Vanessa pressed her head into the headrest and pretended to sleep. The conversation that she wanted to have with her mother was tedious and delicate. Vanessa decided to bluntly just begin the conversation. Mom, she said in a soft tone of voice, I know what I did was wrong and maybe it’s too late to say I’m sorry, but can I ask you a question. Sure, Mom replied in a nonchalant tone. Will you ever forgive me? Her mother smiled a phony grin and said baby, I’ve already forgiven you. I’m waiting for you to forgive yourself. How do you know I haven’t forgiven myself Vanessa said defiantly? I’ve spent the last five years crying over the fact that you threw me away. I was so angry that you never even tried to talk about it. What was there to talk about her mother asked it was obvious what was going on. What exactly was going on? Vanessa asked. Did Todd tell you what was going on? Listen, mom replied. You’re not the only one who spent five years crying over this. I’ve given it a lot of thought too. I realize that what I did probably wasn’t the best decision, but I wasn’t sure how to handle it; My fiancé and my daughter having a relationship in the same house where I live, right under my nose; while I went to work to pay the bills…… and I was too stupid to see it. I felt like a fool. I couldn’t tell anyone without making myself look like a total idiot, so I kept it to myself and did a lot of praying. I decided to let God do whatever he chose with it. Once I put it in God’s hands I let it go. God eventually cleared my heart of the anger and let me tell you, it didn’t happen over-night. It took some time, a lot of time, but like I said in my letter, I never stopped loving you, but you have to realize also that that was a very bitter pill to swallow. How do I make a choice between my man and my child especially when I have other children to care for? I prayed every night for God to give me an answer. I promised God that I would keep the details of that day to myself. I never even told my mother or either of my sisters that it was me

who sent you away. I stuck to the story that your dad picked you up from school and never returned you. I know it was a lie, but I have to face God for that one. Maybe one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but most importantly, in order for your life to get back to normal you have to find a way to forgive yourself. During the entire conversation mom kept her eyes on the road. Vanessa heard what she was saying, although the conversation seemed more rehearsed than genuine. Perhaps mom don’t owe her an apology or an explanation, after all mom wasn’t the one in the wrong place at the wrong time. Vanessa looked over at her mom. She didn’t see a need to continue this conversation because it wasn’t going to change anything. The anger inside of her was not going to subside. She wondered how a woman so holy could be so hard-hearted. Not that she was judging or making excuses, but maybe if mom had kept an eye on her baby daddy that situation might not have happened at all. They pulled into a community that held the appearance that it was probably once occupied by strictly religious little Old Italian women. Then they pulled into the driveway of a cute little olive colored house with a small gate at the tip of a concrete path lined with flowers on each side; the kind of house that accented most young girl’s future dream home. Vanessa stood at the edge of the pathway as her mother entered the front door. She looked up towards the second floor and waved at a female figure that was smiling back at her from the window. Mom unlocked the door and invited Vanessa inside. As she approached the tan colored front door with the half-circle smoked glass trimmed in gold and bronze leaves the female figure was already standing there with open arms. Lisa was a lot bigger than Vanessa’s memory holds, yet the face was exactly the same. Lisa took the bag from her sister’s hand and sat it against the wall as she grabbed her by the hand and pulled her into the living room where there was large letters held together by a single string that read: CONGRATULATIONS. On the other wall there were large letters held together by a single string that read: WELCOME HOME. Lisa looked into her sister’s face to try and capture an equal amount of excitement and surprise, but Vanessa’s eyes were glued to the photo behind the lettering above the mantel. The letters swooped down low enough to cut off the top of Todd’s hairline, yet high enough to show mom’s face. Her wedding gown was covered in lace and diamond sparkles. This was a day that’s not in Vanessa’s recollection. She wanted to scream and cuss and let her frustration be known, but she knew it was best to contain herself. Now standing tall enough to look her eye to eye Lisa put her arms around Vanessa and squeezed. This brought laughter between the two of them. Lisa whispered, I miss you, I miss you so much. Vanessa smiled as Lisa pointed to the wall and asked do you like it? I did it. Lisa

took her sister’s hand and pulled her towards the stairs. Come she said, let me show you my room. Vanessa ed a small bathroom at the top of the stairs as she continued to the end of the hallway. Once in the room the two girls settled on the twin sized bed and adored each other. Vanessa fought the tears that were burning the back of her throat. She wanted to speak, but her mouth felt tight and dry. From the look in Lisa’s eyes Vanessa sensed that she had questions, many questions. Where’s Tony? Vanessa asked just to break the monotony. Lisa replied, probably hanging out with his friends. He’ll be here soon. Let me show you where you will be sleeping. Directly across the hallway Lisa opened the door to another bedroom. It was set up just as a small child’s room with rose colored pink walls. There was a pink flowered spread on the bed and some dolls on the dresser. Whose room is this Vanessa inquired. Just then the girls heard a faint sound and turned towards the door where her mother was standing holding the hand of a small child. This is who I wanted you to meet she said. Vanessa gasped a loud sound of surprise at the little girl with long pig tails and the smoothest darkest skin. Oh, she is so pretty Vanessa remarked. This is Patricia. Patricia mom said kneeling to the size of the child, this is your sister Vanessa. She nudged the child in Vanessa’s direction. Vanessa held out her hand to receive the child. She picked her up and hugged her. When she placed the child back on the floor she turned her back towards everyone and hung her head low. Tears began to run down her face. Her mother walked up close behind her and put her arms around her. Don’t cry baby, please don’t cry, it’s good to have you back she whispered. That still didn’t bring any comfort to the fact that although there were other people in the room Vanessa felt so alone, so distant and so strange. Lisa stood speechless. She couldn’t believe at the least that during the two-hour trip her mother never mentioned the existence of Patricia. This made Lisa even more curious to believe that there was more to this separation than her mother was telling. People began to gather in the backyard. There were tables set up surrounded by folding chairs. Vanessa stood by the window and watched. Uncle Melvin was standing at the barbecue grill as he had done at so many family gatherings. Cousin Charles was testing the turntables to make sure the music was loud enough to be heard on Mars and Grandma was scolding him to turn it down. Mom was setting sodas on a table in the corner and Patricia was climbing the slide with some other children. Vanessa focused her eyes back on mom. How could she be so casual and cool carrying on with life as if everything was normal. Vanessa’s heart was still breaking just to know that she was cast out of the family. It seems that all those feelings that she thought she’d prayed away

began to surface and take on a stronghold to her memories. How does she face these people without guilt or shame? How does she play out Mom’s lie not knowing what stories were told? Why does she seem to be the only one tripping about the past? Why can’t she just let it go? Everyone seemed so familyoriented, so happy to be gathered at another family function regardless of the celebration. She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She felt that she needed to pray her way through, but what it is that she praying for? She didn’t know where to begin. Father God, she whispered am I just being overdramatic? She wanted to be here with the family, with all the people she hadn’t seen in so long, yet she wanted to run away and never see them again. She felt that she had no other choice but to live her mom’s lie. What else could she do without making herself out to be a monster of some sort? She knew she had to gather her thoughts before putting on a charade. This is really going to be a long day she declared; realizing that no one is stupid and someone has probably already figured out that this whole set-up is a lie, she was just hoping no one would start asking her questions. Yes, mom said she didn’t tell anybody, but that’s not the first lie mom has told. She walked over to the mirror and looked at herself. She thought about the faces she was about to look into and wonder how many of them are actually hiding what they really know. The guilt was weighing her down. Family doesn’t seem the same anymore. Just as Vanessa opened the bathroom door she was greeted by Aunt Melanie who was ing through to the kitchen. Aunt Melanie seemed delighted to see her. She hugged her tight and held on to her for a while. Once again Vanessa fought the tears that were welling up in her eyes. Aunt Melanie didn’t show any emotions towards Vanessa’s sadness she just grabbed her by the hand and pulled her towards the kitchen. Come on she said, I need you to help me get some of this food outside. There were two cakes set upon the counter. One read Congratulations Tony and the other Congratulations Vanessa. Tony was going to High School as Vanessa was coming out. Vanessa became so busy that she forgot about feeling awkward in fact it felt good to be treated as part of the family again, you know when the adults invent things for the kids to do just to keep them busy. In the midst of blowing up balloons, carrying trays of food, placing and re-placing chairs, she almost forgot that she was the guest of honor for this celebration. There were cousins and aunts and uncles, people she didn’t know along with familiar faces she tried to recall in her memory. She received many hugs and congratulations, envelopes and gifts. Throughout the day it seems that

the only one that was convicting Vanessa of past sins was herself. The celebration went until the sky had darkened and the moon was the only light remaining in the back yard. Aunt Barbie had begun the clean-up process hours ago. Aunt Barbie was one of those people who never sat still too long. To her there was always something to do. It was just the few decorations left to pull down and throw away. Vanessa was drying the few dishes that were left over in the drain board when she found herself alone in the kitchen with Mom. Mom handed her a white box tied with a purple ribbon. Purple was always Vanessa’s favorite color. In the box was a gold chain. Half a heart. The words were incomplete, like an unfinished sentence. Vanessa looked up at her mom waiting for an answer to the question she never asked. Her mom reached down into her bosom and pulled out her half of the heart. I’ve been wearing this for a while she explained as she removed it from her neck and placed it next to Vanessa’s. Mom’s seemed worn and old. Now the wording made sense to Vanessa. It read: May the Lord watch between me and thee while we’re absent one from another AMEN. Mom then placed the chain back around her neck and placed Vanessa’s chain around her neck. Vanessa smiled at her and accepted her embrace as a matter of fact it brought back old memories and it felt good to be in mom’s arms again. When mom released and turned to walk away Vanessa grabbed the hem of her blouse and threw herself back into her arms. I love you, mom she whispered. That night when everyone settled for the evening and the house was quiet Lisa eased into Vanessa’s room. She whispered, I know you’re not sleeping as she slowly closed the door behind her. Vanessa snickered at her sister’s comment. Glad to be alone in the company of her sister both girls giggled in darkness that was only illuminated by the streetlight outside the window. So, Lisa began plopping down on the edge of the bed, we have a lot to catch up on. I thought you ran away. I was so afraid I’d never see you again. Mom said your dad went to your school and took you. What nerve! I was afraid to ask too many questions because mom always seemed so upset about it. She was sad for a long time. How dare your dad all of a sudden show up in the middle of nowhere and decide he has a right to just take you. Did he ever think you had a life here? Did he ever think you had a family here? Did he ever think…. Vanessa put her hands on her sister’s shoulder to stop her before she worked herself into a frenzy. Goodness Vanessa said, slow down. That was something between him and mom, I guess I just got caught up in the middle of it, besides it wasn’t a bad move once I got used to it. Lisa began again, so, how is it living in New Jersey? What does your daddy look like? Do you look like him? Do you have any other brothers and

sisters? Vanessa laughed at her sister’s persistence. Actually, she was choked for words. She didn’t know where to begin to answer the questions. She was sure she was about to get caught up in a lie. Should she fabricate this father that she vaguely or a city she’s never even visited? Luckily, they were interrupted by the squeaking of the door. They both jumped as if they’d heard a ghost. They thought they were caught. Without a doubt mom would think she was sharing the truth with Lisa. This would truly tear the family apart and Vanessa feared that she would be at fault. They expected mom to appear around the doorway; instead a figure about six feet tall quickly entered the room and quietly closed the door. Vanessa put her hands over her mouth to muffle the scream as she thought it was Todd’s shadow lingering in the darkness. She jumped off the bed and ran to the opposite side of the room. Her hands began to tremble as she huddled close to the wall. Lisa let out a sigh of relief and scolded Tony for scaring them like that. You almost gave us a heart attack she said. As Tony drew closer Vanessa was stunned to see how much he resembled his dad in height and weight and she didn’t hesitate to tell him so as she wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes. Well, laughed Tony, where were you going next, out the window? Tony laughed again as he embraced his sister. Wow, he commented, you really were scared, you’re shaking like a leaf. I guess it would have definitely given me a fright too to be visited by a dead person too? Lisa demanded that Tony lower his voice. Tony and Lisa laughed quietly as Tony press his weight on the edge of the bed. Vanessa returned to the bed stunned again by news that she had no idea was coming. Dead? She inquired. Oh, Tony continued judging from the look on her face, you didn’t know? Mom said she told you. Vanessa was shocked by the news and wondered if it was polite to be delighted. Was she supposed to ask what happened or should she even care? She imagined that mom probably did rise up out of nowhere with something in her hand and hit him in the head. It was like the ultimate sleepover. The three of them snickered in the dark until early morning. Vanessa found out information about things that was supposed to have occurred with her in the past five years that she didn’t even know about. Vanessa realized that although things are now changed the love she has for her sister and brother remained the same. If she had the opportunity she would take her place back as the older sister caring for her siblings. Lord forgive me for complaining about being treated as if I were their mother, she whispered I never realized how important that position was. If you will find it in your heart to give me another chance I will be forever grateful.

Saturday morning Vanessa was wakened by the sound of the television. Patricia was seated on the foot of the bed eating dry cereal from a zip-lock bag watching Dora the explorer. The sun had already brightened the room and the air was thick and muggy. Vanessa checked the clock on the night stand. It read seven thirty five. Vanessa walked to the foot of the bed, picked up Patricia and sat her on her lap. Patricia smiled as Vanessa held her tight. Vanessa wasn’t at all interested in watching Dora; she just wanted to take this moment to absorb the love of her little sister. Vanessa pulled out her blue jean shorts and a tee-shirt from her bag and headed for the shower. She doesn’t when she fell asleep last night; she only re Lisa carrying on about her friends and school. She learned that they moved out of the old house soon after she left and mom’s reasoning was because she couldn’t cope with the memories of Vanessa’s absence. Whatever! Vanessa was hoping that today Lisa would show her how to take the bus to the old neighborhood. She just wanted to see if anything had changed and if some of her old friends were still there. Lisa was more than happy to spend this alone time with her sister. They traveled for almost an hour transferring from one bus to the other. Vanessa wasn’t paying attention to anything in particular she was just enjoying the scenery and trying to re-acquaint herself with the area. They got off the bus on Marshall Boulevard and walked to the old house. It looked exactly the same except someone had planted some roses along the south edge of the building. Vanessa didn’t see anyone she knew walking along the sidewalk. They re-routed on the bus line and traveled to the mall for lunch. During lunch Lisa began with a whole line of questions. Listen Vanessa, she said, I’m a lot older than you think I am. I know what mom portrays is not exactly real. I know that there’s much more to you leaving than your father coming to get you. Mom would have never let you go that easily. Tell me, honestly, why did you leave? Vanessa inhaled. Only because you used the word honestly am I going to tell you this, but please keep it to yourself. You’re right, there is more to the story than what’s given, however, please don’t be angry when I tell you that I can’t tell you right now, but I will make this promise to you……. when the time is right, I will tell you the whole thing. Lisa opened her mouth to speak again when Vanessa interrupted her by saying, please don’t push the issue. I promise I’ll tell you, but not right now. After lunch Vanessa spent some time in the Sprint store iring all the new telephones and their features. How much money do you have? Lisa inquired. Well, Vanessa replied, I got enough to get myself a cell phone and keep myself

connected for a while. They were ing the music and games entertainment store when a boy took notice of Vanessa. As their eyes met she quickly picked up her the pace to by. Lisa was too busy looking at the purse display to notice the connection. There was a strange familiarity about the boy. She glanced over her shoulder to get a second look and noticed that he had stepped out of the store and was staring in her direction. She tried to where she knows him from. The boy began to follow behind them so she tried to take a quick dip into Foot Locker gently guiding Lisa along the way. Hey, he called out to her. She pretended not to hear him. He got closer and said excuse me. The girls turned to look in his direction. She stared at him as if she was surprised by his boldness. Don’t I know you? He asked. Vanessa shrugged her shoulders and replied, I doubt it very much. Is your name Vanessa Parker he asked. Vanessa took a closer look at him and said it depends upon who’s asking. I think I know you from Carver he continued referring to the Junior High School she attended. Wow, you have a good memory Vanessa replied I graduated from that school years ago. Do you me; I sat towards the back of the homeroom class. My name is Kennedy he proclaimed extending his hand for a shake. Vanessa took hold of his hand and gripped her fingers around his. He was strong and confident. I do that name Vanessa replied; yea I do a Kennedy Lawson. That’s me he assured. They began reminiscing about the teacher with the limp that most of the children teased about at that time. Kennedy looked as if he was completely broken at the hip as he imitated the way the teacher walked. The two of them laughed uncontrollably. They walked and talked for a while until Kennedy realized that he seemed to have lost the company that he was with before taking an interest in Vanessa. Lisa tried to occupy herself with the sales in the store windows while trying hard to stay out of their conversation. Eventually they ended the conversation by exchanging phone numbers. Vanessa was grateful that she had received an easy to cell phone number. Isn’t that the boy that lives in the green house on Houston Street Lisa whispered as they walked away? Vanessa finally made the connection, Oh, yea, she replied. The house on the corner right? Oh yea, the one with the hundred kids! The two girls giggled as they entered Sears. That night instead of sleeping in her own bed Vanessa broke night on the sofa playing video games with Lisa and Tony. When they woke up they realized what a mess they’d made. There were plates of uneaten pizza and cans of unfinished soda on the coffee table. There were games spread out about the floor in front of

the entertainment center and shoes lying wherever they were taken off. If Vanessa ed correctly, mom would have had a hissy fit by now; instead she was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. About nine o’clock everyone emerged from their room already dressed and ready for church. Vanessa had to it to herself that Tony was one good looking brother. No wonder the females were blowing up his cell phone like they were. During the service Pastor Brown requested all graduates ranging from preschool to college to him at the altar. He thanked God for their accomplishments and prayed for a successful future. Touching each of them on the head one at a time he encouraged them to follow their goals, don’t be afraid to try something new and always put God first in all they do. By late afternoon Vanessa said her goodbyes and hugged her two sisters and her brother. On the way back Vanessa thanked her mother for allowing her to visit. Her mother smiled and assured her that she wasn’t a visitor, that was her home and she could come back whenever she chose to. Vanessa didn’t reply instead she spent most of the time running her finger up and down the screen trying to figure out all the features on her new phone. As they reached the entrance Mom reminded Vanessa that she didn’t want to pressure her, but if she wanted to come back home she could at any time. Vanessa was grateful for the opportunity, but she felt that she wasn’t ready to let bye-gones be bye-gones. Besides, she was done with trying to keep up with mom’s lies. She has every intention to let that guilt die and move on with her life. Vanessa’s handed her mother her new phone number and got out of the car. She smiled back at her mother and thanked her again for the weekend. Her mom walked around to the enger side of the car for a final hug and watched as Vanessa entered the building. Twenty twelve, mom thought, hopefully this is the last time I will see those words. Vanessa was still excited. This time she was excited to get back to her room and show her roommates all the pictures she captured on her new cell phone. It felt good to know that she does belong to a family. Vanessa stood in the middle of the floor in her room and held her diploma. It felt good in her hands. She thought about the times mom said “there are no drop-outs in this family”. Perhaps those were the words that made her stick to her studies. Those were the words that she kept dear in her heart. She had failed at being a

good daughter, but she was not going to be the first family drop-out. Now that she has overturned that hurdle she was allotted more freedom for as long as she signed out and back in by the ten o’clock evening curfew. She was given a weekly set allowance to cover the cost of her travel while she seeks employment. She stopped here and there filling out applications and dropping off resumes but the majority of her time was spent adventuring her surroundings. This was the most freedom she’d had in years and it just felt good to be able to leave the building without and escort. She was tempted to go to the park, but her freedom was much more vital than the friends that hung out in the rear. She traveled as far and as wide as she could get just to be out in the open air. She wandered in and out of shopping centers and even stopped for a softball game at the stadium. But most important she learned how to take the local train to the Metro and work her way back to Sommerville. There were times when no one other than Kennedy knew she was in town. They met at the mall for lunch, caught an afternoon movie or even strolled around the old neighborhood until the last bus was about to pull out of the depot. They talked about everything from music to home life. Although she believed she finally found a friend that understood her and accepted her without accusations she still could not unnerve the truth. She felt guilty telling him that she lived with her father on weekends and holidays, but she goes to a boarding school for gifted girls in the meantime. She told him that she scored so high on her last SAT test that the school suggested that her parents enroll her there. How long she would be keeping up this lie was yet to be tested. It seems that everything that surrounded her had become one big fabricated tale. Was she really hiding her pain or was she just practicing to become a pathological liar? Months had ed and the season began to change. The days were still warm, but the evenings were cool. Vanessa made plans to celebrate her eighteenth birthday with Kennedy, but since he had to work she had to settle for the normal cake and ice cream in the dining area. Vanity had made some roses out of colored tissue paper that she had laid upon her bed with a card. Her cell phone was ringing uncontrollably with people wishing her a good day. All this was well, but she couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it would have been with Kennedy. Ms. Morrison offered Vanessa a few part-time hours tutoring the girls who were behind in their grade as well as those that just needed a little more help. Vanessa was grateful for the opportunity and it appeased her needs at the moment,

however the idea of starting her adult life in a girl’s home was wretched. It was time to be independent. It was important to do things on her own and show the world that she could make it. She ed Ms. Nancy’s warning not take life too fast. She had already failed in the very beginning of her life and didn’t know if she could sustain another drastic fall. Ms. Nancy told her regardless to what situation life throws your way always hold your head up and keep moving. She said the secret to life is to keep moving even if you don’t know exactly where you’re going just keep moving in a positive direction. She anticipated the meeting that she would have to sit through before she would be ordered to sign herself out of the home. She thought it would have happened on the day of her birthday just as it had with Rachael, but no one mentioned a word about it even months after. The idea of having her own apartment and living according with her own rules was ideal. She thought about it so much that she began to imagine herself already there. Mrs. Petrie was in the office fiddling in the filing cabinet when Vanessa entered. I don’t know how to ask this question she began, but my eighteenth birthday was several months ago and I really don’t know where to go from here. Mrs. Petrie took a moment and studied Vanessa’s presence. The question pondered her too. She closed the drawer that she was working in and opened the drawer for P. Parker right? She asked. Yes, ma’am, Vanessa replied. She offered Vanessa a seat in the chair next to the desk. She read through the file and put a finger on her lips smiled. Vanessa was not at all amused by her body language. She was sure she was about to get hit by a revelation. You don’t have to go anywhere anytime soon she responded you are paid up until the end of the year. Vanessa was perplexed. The end of the year, Vanessa asked. You are not state funded Mrs. Petrie continued. You are privately funded. What does that mean? Vanessa asked. Mrs. Petrie continued, your care is coming from a private entity. Then she turned the page and studied the file further. She raised her eyebrows at what she was reading. A private funding Vanessa repeated what private funding? Now that information I can’t give you, the lady replied as she quickly shut the file and folded her hands atop of it as if it was classified and top secret information in there. Then she walked to the file cabinet and dropped the file in and closed it. Why not Vanessa asked, it’s my life, what’s the big secret? Its secured information Mrs. Petrie replied. What does it even matter? Sure it does Vanessa responded, I need to move on with my life. I don’t want to just get thrown out of here. I need to know what comes next. Mrs. Petrie assured Vanessa that she had nothing to worry about as she escorted her towards the open door.

Vanessa thought about the opportunities she would have living in the big City. There’s bound to be unlimited possibilities to include full-time employment, attending college and being closer to Kennedy. So she put pride in her back pocket and picked up the telephone. Mom was more than happy to hear from her. She had already anticipated her return. The room which was previously used as the den has now been transformed into a bedroom. Vanessa was happy to have the only bedroom on the first floor. It gave her a sense of privacy. She began seeing Kennedy on a regular basis. Mom suggested that she slow down. Maybe you should start seeing other people, you know, don’t tie yourself down to one person so soon she advised. Mom didn’t hate Kennedy she just thought Vanessa was falling too hard too fast. Mom offered Vanessa a job at the restaurant. The few months that Vanessa worked at the school gave her a little knowledge of the working environment, but this was a full course all-you-can-eat type of restaurant that was opened twenty-four hours and day and it stayed busy all the time. There were days when Vanessa was too exhausted to do anything other than sleep. Kennedy understood, besides it gave him time to work on his own aspirations. Vanessa and Kennedy were sitting in the back seat of his brother’s Ford Taurus. This was a pretty silly place to sit when they needed to have a serious conversation, but this is their place of choice and when Kennedy invited her there she knew he had something on his mind. Vanessa anticipated that he would be complaining about his position at the garage as usual. She was more than sure he was going to tell her that he’d quit. He took her hand into his and caressed it then he pressed something into the palm of her hand and quickly enclosed her fingers around it. He held her fist gentle enough for her to move her thumb around the object. He said guess what’s in your hand. It was soft, a cloth maybe. Something was enclosed inside, something really small. It wasn’t round as she thought about a ring; it was long like a screw. He allowed her to play with it for a while before he released the grip and allowed her to open her hand. As she unwrapped the silken cloth she found a single silver colored key. You now have the key to my castle he said. Feel free to use it whenever you want to. He pointed to the enger seat and directed her to get in the front seat. Let’s go he said I have something to show you. They pulled up in front of a three story building. You have to climb some stairs he warned as he looked at the three inch spikes she were wearing on her feet. She followed him up the narrow staircase. He stopped in front of a door and

instructed her to try her key. When the door swung open he took her by the shoulders. Laying her back into his arms he lifted her across the doorway into the apartment. The entire apartment was furnished with all the necessities to make the place comfortable. None of the furniture matched, neither did the two lampshades, but it didn’t matter, it had all the things that Vanessa was trying to achieve; home, privacy and independency. Vanessa was totally awed by the surprise. When did you do all of this she asked. This was my brother’s place he declared. He moved out and I just kept the place. All I have to do is continue the rent. Vanessa walked from room to room. She turned and smiled at Kennedy. His brother was newly engaged and moved in with his fiancé. His brother had just signed up with the United States Navy and was enjoying his last few days of freedom. And guess what else Kennedy declared tossing the car keys into the air with one hand and catching it with the other; this too he said dangling the car keys in front of her is all mine. Vanessa had been alone with Kennedy many times before, but never surrounded by such isolation as now. She was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. Kennedy turned on the television to break the silence then he walked close upon her and put his hand behind her neck forcing her face into his. Vanessa placed her hand upon his chest and nudged some space between them. Kennedy then slid his hands down to her waist and walked her backwards towards the bedroom. Vanessa spun around and stepped away. Vanessa had developed feelings so deeply for Kennedy that she was afraid of what was about to happen next. The last time she re being in this position caused her a great loss. What’s wrong Kennedy asked? I don’t want to move too fast, besides I need to be getting home she told him. I have opening shift tomorrow at the diner besides we have plenty of time now that you got your own place. He thought for sure he could convince her to change her mind, but with Vanessa there wasn’t a chance. As soon as Vanessa reached home she immediately heard the sound of a small child throwing a temper-tantrum. No, Patricia squealed, I don’t want a cookie I want ice cream. Iceee Creammmm! Everyone had settled in their own room behind closed doors. This is always the last sound heard before all the lights went out and no one wanted to hear this anymore. There’s absolutely no reasoning with this child when she has made up her mind that she wants something in particular. By now Vanessa know how this night will end. Mom will put Patricia in the car and drive her to Baskin Robin then return home with the sleeping child in her arms and the ice cream will probably go in the trash. Vanessa wondered when in mom’s lifetime did she become so soft. Vanessa

toyed with the idea that had she stayed at Kennedy’s place she wouldn’t have to listen to this tonight. Although her mother had changed is some ways she was still the strict abide-bythe-words-of-the Lord kind of Christian. She needed to know everybody’s where-about at all times including Vanessa’s. This is something that Vanessa didn’t want to get used to again. She kept telling herself that living with her mom was temporary. Mom would have died to know that Vanessa was alone with Kennedy for even the small amount of time that she spent in his apartment. Mom still demanded that for as long as you live under her roof you will abide by her rules. The only one who seemed to have an issue with those rules was Vanessa. Patricia has already established that as the baby of the family she has privileges that no one else can get away with and Lisa and Tony could care less. Vanessa glanced over at her resume that was lying on the top of her dresser. Will someone ever call me, she mumbled. She had very little work experience and the only references are from the girl’s home. She wanted so much to get from under her mother’s control and she was trying hard to be patient. She never thought she would have seen the day that she wished she had stayed at the girl’s home and listening to Patricia scream made this one of those days. Several weeks later Kennedy asked her to move in with him with promises of marriage in the near future and she gladly accepted. As Vanessa lay close to Kennedy as naked as the day she arrived in this world. The experience left her feeling like she was floating on a cloud although it was a bit painful. She wondered if it was that way because it had been so long or if Kennedy had in fact broke her virginity since Todd never actually used penal penetration. She never considered herself as having much experience in that area and she wasn’t proud when Kennedy teased that she had some very confident moves. They had been living in the apartment for a year when Kennedy came home complaining about his job again. This always made Vanessa nervous since she had to quit the diner when she made that move. She was tired of hearing it so she challenged him to do something about it. I did already, Kennedy exclaimed, I ed the Army. Vanessa was surprised by the news, but not as shocked has when he took her hand into his and slipped a small diamond on her finger. I’m a man of my word he exclaimed I need you to me. I can’t make this journey alone. The concept of being a military wife gave Vanessa pride. The opportunity

to travel throughout the world and interact with people of various cultures is something that she desired. Although her mother now rejects her presence and told her that she was not welcomed into her home until she was living right in the eyes of God, Vanessa mailed the wedding invitation anyway. She wasn’t exactly saddened that there were no responses because what mattered the most was already lying in her arms.

THE VISIT

It was the usual Saturday morning routine. Vanessa listened earnestly as Kennedy’s footsteps stuck and released softly on the tiled floor. She imagined the towel draped tightly around his waist and she smiled from beneath the covers as he poured himself a cup of coffee. His dark skin rippled along the muscles of his chest and shining from the oil that soaked into his pores. His clothes were already draped across the armchair in the den where he prepared to dress quietly before easing down the stairs towards the garage. She hungered for the attraction, the temptation and lust that teased her cravings for these Saturday morning renditions. Kennedy popped the hood of the car and began probing around inside the engine tapping and listening to locate whatever existing problem that was keeping the engine from roaring with perfection. Vanessa’s seen him perform this act many times before and it still has the same physical effect on her. Tingly inside her heart fluttered with the idea that she snagged up the finest brother from the streets of Sommerville. As soon as she heard the back door lock she rushed to the bathroom and jumped into the warm water washing all the previous night’s loving from her small frame. Slipping into a pair of shorts and stretching a shirt over her head as she fumbled around the floor to place her feet into a pair of flip flops then headed for the kitchen window. She let out a small chuckle as she almost tipped over the cup of hot tea Kennedy left on the counter for her. There her eyes wandered inside the opened garage door until she found his broad shoulders and the muscles bulging from beneath his sleeveless t-shirt. His feet were planted firmly on the cement as his body folded at the waist to get as far under the hood as he could possibly fit. As far as Vanessa was concerned he might as well not even have worn those Calvin Klein’s because her imagination brought her past all material leaving the firmness of his rear for her viewing pleasure. His Carmel colored skin glowed from the tanning of the hot sun. Vanessa’s eyes traveled from the waves in his soft curly hair to the smoothness of his back then all the way down to his Air Jordans.

Not only this car, but any engine became his Saturday morning boy-toy as he repaired, replaced, renovated and renewed that nineteen sixty eight Continental over and over again. The Godfather style doors gave the car that gangster appeal which is what caressed his manly ego and kept beckoning him to the classy clunk of metal. There wasn’t an engine in Leesville that Kennedy couldn’t master and word had gotten around that he was mechanically inclined so people would casually wandering into the garage with questions or concerns about their own vehicles. Today was no exception. Lawrence, a neighbor from across the street was standing at the end of the car watching as Kennedy loosened and tightened the bolts to the alternator. He asked about a million questions, but never offered a helping hand. Kennedy liked it that way anyway; he didn’t want anyone’s hands on that engine but his own. It was still early and Vanessa knew with the heat index being what it is in Louisiana, it would only be a matter of time before Kennedy would have to peel off that shirt and reveal all the luxuries that she could now say belonged to her. Her heart had already skipped several beats as his body swayed from side to side, up on his toes and stretched out on his back on the ground beneath the machine. It was like a kid in a candy store. Even though she’d licked that lollipop many times before the flavor never wears out. She looked across the kitchen counter into the den where their wedding photo was posted above the fireplace. The fact that she was going to enjoy the shiny white machine scene for the rest of her life made her feel as if she was the envy of every woman in the neighborhood. In another month they were about to reach the second anniversary of their wedding. She enjoyed the fact that she was one out of millions of women who could honestly say that she did not live her life by a to-do list. Kennedy is basically drama free and Vanessa loved this about him. There were no distinctions that separated a woman’s job from male duties within the household. When Kennedy saw something that needed to be done it was done without a murmur or complain; or if Vanessa saw something that needed to be taken care of there was no doubt in Kennedy’s mind that it would be. That was just a mental understanding that worked well between the two of them. Unlike many of the married couples that Vanessa met along the way, Kennedy did not possess an ounce of jealousy and allowed Vanessa the freedom to come and go as she pleased. She stood by the window holding the cup of tea so mesmerized by the scene that

she forgot the sink was filling with dish water until it spilled onto the floor. The front of her tight tee shirt was already soaked when Kennedy entered through the back door. He giggled as he watched her scurry to clean up the mess. The mop was losing the battle and she began throwing towels to the floor to soak up some of the water. Just another embarrassment that he obviously found funny as he reached over her and poured himself a glass of orange juice. The sight of her being down on her knees made his body tingle inside. He leaned back against the counter to enjoy the curves of her breast as her hardened nipples swept against the floor. She looked over her shoulder and gave him a mean squinted eye to let him know that she knew exactly what he was thinking. The idea of knowing that he snatched up the finest booty on earth created was another ego buster for him. Kennedy was aware that she was once again enjoying her Saturday morning activities at the window and knew exactly what caused this mess. Vanessa was so engrossed with her issues that she didn’t notice that his tee shirt was gone. As he reached his hand down towards her to help her to her feet she ran her index finger through the dripping sweat that was rolling down the ripples of his chest. He gently grabbed her hand with his hand and cupped one of her breast with the other. A few seconds of fore-play followed by a kiss on her neck and Kennedy was back out the door again leaving Vanessa hot and sweaty although she was standing directly beneath the air vent. Vanessa was quickly snapped back to reality when the telephone rang. Her pleasure moment was instantly turned to aggravation at the viewing of the caller ID. This is the one aspect of his life that Kennedy failed to take control of and Vanessa was already tired of playing this game. His sisters seemed to have taken an interest in playing home-wrecker with her marriage. Vanessa sucked her teeth so hard that she felt the vibration in the back of her throat. She rolled her eyes to the back of her head before picking up the receiver. The anger instantly began to adjust her emotions and wake up the witch that she tried so hard to tame, but by now Vanessa knew exactly how to play this game. Using a charming and calm tone of voice she lifted the receiver to her ear. Hello. The voice spoke back, Where’s Kennedy? Well, Good Morning to you too, Vanessa responded, and how are you? I said, where’s Kennedy? Mica insisted.

Kennedy’s outside would you like me to get him for you? Vanessa teased for the purpose of evoking her rudeness. Well, is there another way you can get him on the phone? Mica insisted. Perhaps if you ask nicely, Vanessa replied, I’ll let him know that you’re on the phone. Put Kennedy on the damn phone, Mica screamed. Oops, that wasn’t nice, Vanessa responded before dropping the receiver back onto the cradle. She knew that arguing with his sister was a lost cause. Mica was impossible to please and Vanessa no longer wanted to even try to get along with her. The last time she was in the presence of his family Mica had no problem letting Kennedy know how dissatisfied she was that he married Vanessa. A foster child? She told him. You went out looking for a wife and you came back with this? She stated pointing a turned up finger in Vanessa’s direction. A foster child could never do anything for you other than clean your house, cook your food and raise your children. What made you think you could make a wife out of that? If that girl thought she was in love with you, you should have gotten her pregnant and left her ass. You don’t marry those types of girls! She scolded with her lips turned up and her eyes staring Vanessa up and down. What the hell were you thinking? Vanessa stood there waiting for Kennedy to defend her, but he just sneered and acted like Mica was only joking. The thought that kept ing through Vanessa’s mind was the fact that there wasn’t a problem the entire year that Vanessa and Kennedy lived together prior to the marriage. Besides, where did this foster child idea come from? Every time Vanessa gives serious thought to how Kennedy allows his sisters to control his personal life she reminisce upon the day she married Kennedy. Just as they stepped up and paid their fare a familiar voice called out from the back of the bus. Hey, Mica waved as she gestured Kennedy to sit in the vacant seat next to her. Where are you guys going? She asked as Kennedy offered Vanessa the seat. Vanessa simply grinned as she allowed Kennedy the opportunity to answer his sister. Oh, he replied, we’re on our way home. Why are you guys so dressed up? She asked. Kennedy smiled and flashed his eyes to his new bride as she returned the smile they both looked in Mica’s direction. Vanessa flaunted her

white three layered laced dress that stopped at the knees and white three inch pumps that was accented with a white rose at the strap that buckled on the side. Kennedy had on his dress green military uniform. Mica had a look of curiosity and annoyance not knowing what the answer would be, yet having the feeling that she wasn’t going to like what she about to hear. Kennedy continued as he reached down and took Vanessa’s hand into his, we just came from the courthouse, he replied. For what? Mica snapped back. Vanessa extended her left hand to reveal her prize. Mica’s facial expression went from inquisitive to enrage as she glanced at the ring. Her eyes darted from her brother to her new sister-inlaw and back again in disbelief. She was stuck. She didn’t know how to react to that news. There was a sudden urgency to exit the bus as she reached up and snatched the rip cord that alerted the driver of her desire to exit at the next stop which was nowhere near where she was supposed to be going. She stood up and pushed her way ed Kennedy and stood in front of the door. Her right foot tapped rapidly as she stared straight ahead anticipating the bus coming to a full stop. She pushed the door open with such force that it flung back and almost knocked the lady behind her backwards. Some people just have no damn manners, the lady loudly spat. Her attitude really didn’t matter to Vanessa mainly because in all reality Vanessa didn’t marry Mica. Vanessa was no stranger to the size of Kennedy’s family and that there was bound to be someone she has yet to meet. They grew up in the same neighborhood, shopped at the same stores, attended the same school and sometimes shared the same friends. Most of their familiarity transpired during the seven-minute ing for subject changes in the hallway of the same middle school that handed Vanessa over to child services. There wasn’t much similarities between the siblings, some was short, some tall. Some brown skinned and some light skinned. Some had kinky short hair and some long straight hair. Some had thin lips and some full lips. Some were quiet and some had to make their presence known as they traveled along the way. Dara and Vanessa were in the same history class; perhaps. At least that’s what the teacher said. Each morning when attendance was taken the Dara chair was vacant. Several of the students wondered what this Dara person looked like until the day she showed up for final exams. They were finally able to put a name to a face which didn’t match the description that Vanessa had in mind. Dara was extremely tall and shapely for the seventh grade. She had the body that made most kids her age look as if they belonged back in Elementary School. Cutting class and smoking marijuana was Dara’s main focus in life. Jewel was in

Vanessa’s Science class, but no one ever knew what she looked like either because she wore Muslim attire although the family attended St. Joseph’s Catholic Church. Her long black dress swept the floor as she walked and all but her eyes and hands were covered up. She was a much darker skinned and shorter version of Dara. The acquaintance of the other four sisters happened during the ing back and forth through the neighborhood. Kennedy was the youngest male in the family and because this was a single mother household his mother worked two jobs and wasn’t around too often so his older sisters practically raised him. It wasn’t until Vanessa was dating Kennedy that she recognized the family connection with the siblings. Kennedy’s only brother, Martin was the third oldest of the siblings and already had his eyes on the girl he pursued for marriage. Unlike Vanessa, this girl spoke their native language fluently. Mica had already graduated High School as Vanessa was entering Middle School. Instantly after Corrin married Martin Mica, Mary and Shannon felt the need to inform Corrin that although Martin chose to marry her he’s still a member of their family and she had better understand that they make the rules. However, Martin disagreed and didn’t hesitate to inform his sisters that Corrin was the woman of his house and they will respect her as so. Because of this Martin was eliminated from family functions. Years went by and the only relationship the siblings had with Martin was to simply know that he was still on this earth. Martin didn’t seem to care much. He was dedicated to building a relationship with his wife and creating a family that the two of them could raise together. The family wasn’t so much angry at the fact that Kennedy went off and gotten married at the Justice of the Peace than they were at whom he bonded with. Kennedy, now a soldier to the United States Army was home on leave after completing basic training with orders in his hand to report to in three days. When he first told Vanessa about his idea to the military she thought that it was a punk way of telling her that he wanted to end the relationship; instead he showed up at the door three months later on his knees with the ring in his hand asking her to be his wife. There wasn’t much time for bonding as husband and wife on their wedding night. The telephone rang uncontrollably. Vanessa listened to Kennedy try and logically explain why he married her and wondered how long it would take for him to get aggravated enough to tell them to mind their own business. No, she’s not pregnant, she heard him repeat again and again. He tried to keep a straight

face as he walked into another room to avoid her hearing his sister yell into the receiver. From one sister to the next she heard “she’s a goddamn foster kid”. By the end of the evening Vanessa found herself staring into the eyes of a stranger. His bright hazel eyes have darkened and the white was a creamy yellowing color due to fatigue, aggravation and burning tears. It was eleven o’clock when Kennedy retrieved to the bathroom for a shower. Vanessa removed the receiver from the cradle and dropped it to the floor allowing it to hang by the cord till morning. Vanessa had already taken her shower and was lying in bed watching the shadows of the car lights across the wall of their bedroom. She was not in the mood for sex, but Kennedy felt the need to cover the guilt by having that wedding night love making session because he felt it just was the right thing to do. Vanessa wasn’t sure what to say to him. Should she yell at him for not doing a better job to stand up for her or should she apologize for the marriage. When Kennedy rolled his naked wet body close to hers and placed his arm around her waist Vanessa allowed him this night with very little participation. Vanessa didn’t remind her family of her wedding day because of the distance that was created when she decided to move in with Kennedy a year ago. Since the telephone was overly pre-occupied Vanessa’s plan to call her sister and let her know that she was now a legal Mrs. was now a dead deal until morning. Surely by now Lisa was sleeping and getting ready for tomorrow. Vanessa decided that tomorrow would be just as good an opportunity as today. She’d let Lisa tell the news to her mother. Vanessa hasn’t spoken to her mother since the day she asked her mother’s blessings to move out on her own. Vanessa understood what the bible taught about sleeping with a man before marriage, but she wanted to believe that this was the road to the altar so she allowed Kennedy to take her to extremes that she had never experienced before. After a few months of dating Vanessa decided that it was time to tell her family about her plans to move in with Kennedy. Her mother was livid and when Vanessa tried to convince her that she had no need to worry her mother sat up in bed and studied her daughter’s face for a moment. After all the teachings at Living Waters Baptist Church and all the Sunday School lessons she couldn’t believe her daughter would dare make such a remark with such arrogance. Vanessa stood nervous as she waited for a response. Lisa was in the den listening and ready to jump into action just in case her mother jumped up to choke the mess out of Vanessa. Mom, Vanessa continued me and Kennedy is going to get

married eventually. Mrs. Parker put her head down for a moment and studied the flowers on her night gown. She wasn’t sure how she was going to approach this subject. Today wasn’t the greatest in areas of her health. She suffered with migraine headaches along with several other issues and the doctor had already warned her that she was chancing a stroke if she didn’t take it easy. The now Mrs. Todd Sparkman thought about several things in the matter of a split second. This included the fact that she still has a young child to finish raising. When she looked up at Vanessa who was standing several feet away leaning against the door frame as if it was about to fall she wished she was close enough to something heavy that she could throw in her direction. Instead she opened her mouth and let whatever words in there fall where they may. If you choose to live in sin I cannot sit here and act as if I am in agreement. God will not hold me responsible for the decisions you make against his will. Therefore, if that’s your final decision and once you let that door close behind you don’t ever put your feet on my doorsteps again. Mom’s face was stern and from the movements of her body when she spoke those words Vanessa knew that that was her final answer. Vanessa looked closely at her mother and couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. She was deeply hurt and offended by those words. She felt so low, dirty and betrayed. She couldn’t believe that it was so easy to be disowned again. Then her mother continued by pointing her finger towards the left and through gritted teeth uttering get out of my face. You’re not worth me getting sick over. Vanessa retreated to her room. She looked around and realized that this was the last time she would see those pink flowers embroidered at the bottom and the rose colored walls trimmed in lavender. It was time for her to do some home decorating of her own. She already had several bags packed and hiding away in the back of the closet. She sat upon her bed and allowed the harsh word of her mother sink into her spirit. Lisa entered the room to console her, but Vanessa was much too angry. She began pulling the bags out of the closet and several items she had bought for her new apartment from underneath her bed. Lisa was amazed at all the stuff she was gathering. How long have you been preparing for this? Lisa asked. Vanessa suddenly burst into laughter. Earlier she had tried to avoid this moment by getting her mother to put her out. About a month ago she stayed out all night after a date with Kennedy hoping that her mother would tell her if she thought she was grown enough to come in whenever you want you need to get a place of your own. The month before that when her mom asked her to go to the kitchen and get her a glass of water Vanessa told her to get up and get it herself. She hoped this would cause an uproar so she could run out the

door and never return. Instead Vanessa looked at Lisa and asked, does it really matter? Lisa replied, are you sure you know what you are doing? At this point it didn’t matter what Vanessa knows does it. Vanessa began dialing her cell phone. Kennedy she spoke into the receiver, when you get this message call me back. I need you to come to my mom’s house and get me as soon as you get this message. When Vanessa was done gathering all her belongings she went to sit on the porch as she waited for Kennedy. She didn’t want to speak to Lisa or anyone else. She kept her eyes staring straight ahead at the brick wall that separated the sidewalk from the church yard across the street. Kennedy soon came driving down the street. He parked the car and walked slowly towards Vanessa who didn’t even rise upon his appearance. Come help me get my things she requested. Kennedy followed her up to her room and gathered as much as he could carry. Vanessa grabbed the remaining bags and tossed some to the bottom of the stairs. Once the car was packed they both drove off in silence. Irene lived only three blocks from the apartment, so she walked over to check things out. She greeted Vanessa with a huge smile. Vanessa had been introduced to her several weeks ago. She was extremely nice and happy that her brother had found someone he cared about so much. Irene spent the next few hours helping Vanessa arrange the house. She too was surprised by the amount of stuff they had gathered. In the next few months Vanessa learned a lot about Kennedy and his close-knit family. Kennedy was the youngest of all the siblings. Vanessa thought it was kind of cute how they all seemed so concerned with his happiness. Unlike her own family she was happy to know that Kennedy was a part of such a caring group of people. She imagined how she would be a part of that once she became part of that family. Over the following year that they lived together Vanessa thought she’d met just about all his sisters, his brother, his mother and father who was now divorced. His father was in the process of planning his own wedding to a girl that was about the same age as Vanessa. Although Vanessa sensed that the family was not happy with this arrangement, they never spoke about the issue in her presence. They used their native language. At first Vanessa thought it was some sort of pig-Latin, but it was a language that only they seem to understand. Usually when they gathered around the table and began discussing family business Vanessa

would entertain herself with other activities such as cleaning or watching television. She hoped that once she officially became a part of the family Kennedy would teach her the language. A year later she found herself settled in a strange country trying to cope with learning enough of the customs of that country to maintain a daily lifestyle. With her daughter strapped to her back sleeping comfortable in the baby carrier, she lifted bags of grocery up the steps to their apartment. It was a small place, but it was someplace that they could call their own. The one channel on the television was singing from atop the mantel. She wasn’t really watching, but the noise made the house seem not so lonely. She spent the majority of her day cleaning and re-cleaning just to avert boredom. She still had five months before the birth of their second child and Kennedy has yet to introduce her not only as his wife, but as the woman in their home. Angry and dismayed realizing that Kennedy had the ability to do anything but man-up to his sisters Vanessa constantly tried to remind herself of all Kennedy’s good qualities and overlook this unpleasant one. Not only was this putting a strain on their marriage, but Kennedy was finding reasons not to spend much time at home. As the months went on Kennedy was beginning to feel the pressure of what his sisters were drilling and he was becoming embarrassed not only of his wife, but also that he had children with the maid. You married the maid, were the words ringing in Vanessa’s ears displaying the echoed voice of his sister Shannon. As Kennedy’s silhouette came closer to the frosted glass-front door Tasha’s baby walker came flying down the long hallway to greet him. She giggles and gooed at the sound of his keys in the lock. Vanessa stood mid-way the hallway with her arms folded prepared to ask him the question that she’d been pondering all night long. Where have you been? You didn’t have duty last night, why didn’t you come home? As he struggled to enter the door he took his right foot and place it on the stop-bar of the walker and pushed it back hard enough to make Tasha’s head jerk from the impact of the wall. You done lost your goddamn mind, she spat blocking the way of his ing. She was angry enough to challenge him to a fight. He looked at her as if he had no idea what she was talking about, kissed her on the forehead, rubbed her protruding stomach and continued down the hallway into the bedroom. Vanessa felt violated by his touch and suddenly got the urge to throw up as she raced for the bathroom. Once he had showered and changed clothes he ed her in the living room. She

didn’t want to talk to him; as a matter of fact she really didn’t even want to be in the same room with him. She didn’t want to know where he was all night and as a matter of fact she no longer gave a damn. She was mostly disappointed to know that this hunk of a man with the brilliance to create anything with his hands was too sheltered to straighten out those aggravating instigators that were destroying their family. When he looked over at her she recited, “What God has put together let no man tear apart”. This time Vanessa understood the confused look on his face. She realized that her thoughts were hers alone. Kennedy came and sat next to her. He put his arms around her and pulled her close to him. The smell of his cologne and the rock hard strength of his chest muscles reminded her why she fell in love with him from the beginning. Listen, he said, I know I spend a lot of time away from home, but I need you to understand that I am not having a relationship. I am not cheating on you; o.k. She wanted to believe him. Cheating wasn’t even on her mind although she wondered what creative things he discovered that kept him out so long. So what are your plans for today? She asked. I need to change the oil in the car, he answered. But before I do that I need to tell you something. Vanessa braced herself not knowing what secret he could hold that he need to charm her before spitting it out. He inhaled, twisted his lips to the side and said, Mary has invited us to her house next Saturday. This is another sister that Vanessa had heard of but never met. She knew Mary was also stationed in , but she didn’t know where. She also knew this day would eventually pop up and she dreaded the thought. Because of the reaction from the wedding night Vanessa made it a point to avoid his sisters as much as possible. Vanessa had no words to add to this conversation. She knew that Kennedy loved his sisters and the thought of being in the same room with them turned him into a little boy again. Vanessa looked at him with squinted eyes and poked lips then stood up to walk away. Kennedy grabbed the tail of her shirt and pulled her back into the seat. He knew exactly how she felt about his sisters. Listen, he said. I know they give you a hard time, but you have to learn how to deal with them. They are family. You have to realize that they pressure you because they know it pisses you off. Don’t let them think they have the advantage over you. Ignore them. How easy is it to ignore someone who treats you like shit? She asked. Those are your sisters, why can’t you make them realize that I was your choice and not theirs? Why can’t they mind their damn business and handle their marriages. They need to get the hell up out of ours.

Despite the fact that Vanessa fought the thought of making a trip to Mary’s house the following Saturday she packed a bag of diapers, some formula, wipes and a change of outfit and boarded the car headed for a three-hour drive to Kaiserslaudern. During the trip they agreed to leave Mary’s house before the sun set because German roads became very icy and extremely foggy when you’re high up in the mountain areas. After experiencing the anger of the rest of his sisters, she was skeptical about meeting this one. As soon as the car was jolted into park Mary opened up the back door and lifted the baby right out of the car seat. She smiled, hugged her and kissed her several times before pulling her out in arms distance to get a good look at her. Aw, she’s beautiful, she replied. She then looked at her brother and teased; she’s much too pretty to think you had anything to do with this birth. That was the shrewd little statement that let Vanessa know that she was just as devious as the rest. Kennedy laughed as he greeted Landon with a hard hand slap hand shake for an introduction to his soon-to-be brother in law. Landon held his hand firmly and patted Kennedy on the back with the other one leading him into the house. Vanessa followed behind feeling like a lost puppy. When Mary finally brought Tasha back into the room Vanessa noticed that her clothes had been changed. Mary handed Kennedy a bag and told him that she had bought a few outfits for the baby. He sat the bag on the floor next to his chair and received the baby from her. Mary took the seat directly in front of him and began to speak. Another signal to alert Vanessa that she was not included in the conversation. Vanessa walked over to Kennedy and took the baby from him and returned to her seat. Vanessa didn’t understand a word they said, but every now and then Mary would look in her direction to let her know that they were talking about her. Landon eventually wandered into the other parts of the house to do whatever. This let Vanessa know that he didn’t understand the language either. Do you guys want anything to drink? Mary offered as she ran off a list of Coke, juice, water or iced tea. I’ll take a Coke please Vanessa replied and Kennedy asked for a glass of water. Mary re-entered the room and handed Kennedy a tall glass of ice water and once again sat down in the chair facing him. The conversation continued in their native language. Not even Kennedy acknowledged Vanessa’s presence during that visit. Vanessa wished she knew her surroundings so she could at least go for a walk, but she was stuck and becoming angrier by the minute. She may as well had been sat in a corner facing the wall. Every now and then Kennedy would dart his eyes in her direction and offer a slight smile in which Vanessa never returned to him. They now had the

type of relationship that allowed them to communicate without speaking a word and Kennedy knew that she was not happy. After what seemed like Tasha’s fifth nap Kennedy announced that they need to start heading down the autobahn for their trip back. The last thing Vanessa ed was Kennedy saying “don’t pay Mary no mind she didn’t mean any harm she’s always been slow to responded to new people she’ll come around. Vanessa has gotten so adapted to his excuses for his sisters and their rudeness that she saw no need to make an argument about it. When she woke up they were exiting the autobahn. Two months later Kennedy entered the house with a Christmas tree and news that Shannon and Mary were going to them for the holiday. Vanessa thought, Oh great, double wammy!

HOLIDAY WISHES

Vanessa was just pulling the turkey out of the oven when she heard the front door open and close. The voices were those of females which alerted her of his sister’s arrival. The coffee table was sitting in a corner near the fireplace and a fold-away table was spread in the middle of the floor decorated with a green and white table cloth, napkins and dishes of food, hot and ready for the serving. Mary picked up the bags that she had sat down to hug her brother and headed for the kitchen. Vanessa looked towards Kennedy for an answer. He twisted his lips and came to her. Holding her in his arms he whispered, its o.k., they just like certain things. When Vanessa entered the kitchen Mica was busy chopping onions and Shannon was setting up the mixer. Vanessa felt her blood pressure begin to rise when Kennedy entered and handed her the baby. Shannon looked at Kennedy and said something in their native language. Vanessa was tired of the bullshit and this was as much as she was going to take. She looked up at Kennedy and exclaimed loud enough for them to hear, if you’ll can’t speak English then they can get the hell up out of my house. Everyone looked at her as if she hadn’t said a word and continued what they were doing. Vanessa, refusing to be ignored continued by looking Kennedy directly in the eyes and said if it means that much to you, you can go with them. Mica looked at Shannon and then at Mary. They all gave her the intimidating stare as if they were daring her to say another word. Shannon spoke to Kennedy in English. You better handle her before I do. Vanessa shoved Tasha into Kennedy’s arms and walked closer to Shannon, cocked her head to the side threw both arms out and said how about you handle me. You know something little girl you’re playing with fire was all Shannon could say as she stepped out of harm’s way. When the meal was prepared the three sisters entered the living room with their plates in their hands. Vanessa had already cleared the table, folded it up and put it away. They invited Kennedy to them, but he replied, No thanks, I’ve already eaten. Although the house was fairly quiet except for the baby playing with her dad and the sound of the Macy’s Christmas Day Parade coming across the television screen. There was a lot of unspoken hostility in the air, but no one dared to test Vanessa with their family language. Vanessa was tired of being the nice one and it was obvious that Kennedy wasn’t going to make the first step at

cleaning up the situation. It was about seven in the evening when Mary announced the time for their departure. Vanessa picked up Tasha from the play pen and walked the kitchen into the bathroom and locked the door. The kitchen looked like a wrecking field of dirty dishes. After she had showered and bathed the baby she returned to the living room to find that the entire house empty. She had no idea where Kennedy had gone, but there was no doubt that he’d be crawling in the bed about three o’clock in the morning smelling like cigarettes, beer and liquor. By the time spring arrived, Vanessa was more than happy to welcome the warm weather. German weather was peculiar. Although the weatherman was predicting seventy five degrees Vanessa had on a thin sweater and dressed Tasha in a light jacket. The sun was hot yet there was a chill in the air. Most of the younger Germans were wearing short sleeves and short pants which was a natural custom of their style of dress regardless of the weather. The windows of their homes were wide open with bulky blankets, large pillows or window coverings draped down the window sill exposed to the open air. The front door was propped open with a chair and shoes were lined up along the frontal wall. There was a woman hanging sheets on the clothes line in the side yard and another sweeping the sidewalk that ed in front of their property. The air smelled like hot manure and the sound of farm machinery was roaring. Vanessa looked around as one woman waved. She waved back propping Tasha on top of my stomach using it as a seat. This usually made her son kick several times, but it didn’t hurt so she figured he’d get used to it. With the other hand she popped the stroller open and decided to go discover the neighborhood. At the end of the street on top of a small hill was a water tower which she used as a landmark to guide her back in case she got turned around. She’d been walking about three blocks when she noticed a bus stop. The schedule was written in German. There was a grocery store, a small bakery and an outside eatery. There were several tables of people eating what looked like sausage on French bread and French Fries dipped in mayonnaise. She was fidgeting through the diaper bag for some coins to purchase an ice cream cone when she heard someone say “hello”. Delighted at the fact that someone spoke English she turned around to face the woman that was smiling at her. The woman reached out her hand to introduce herself as Ingrid. Hi, I’m Vanessa, she returned the handshake. The woman invited her to sit as they ate ice cream. They talked for a while. Vanessa was amazed at how small a scoop of ice cream was. She’s used to an American scoop which covered the cone, but this scoop was about the size of a ping-pong ball. She loved how

friendly the Germans were. Ingrid pointed out some German signs accompanied by codes and pictures and explained what they meant then led her over to the bus stop and explained how to read the maps. Each little town had its own bus route. There’s only one bus that travels through our town. The bus goes out to the military base about ten o’clock in the morning and made its final stop in front of the Commissary. It returned about six in the evening. If you missed that bus you could walk three miles into the next town and use their bus service which went out at six in the morning and did not return until eight at night. These were the only buses that traveled to and from the base. The cost of the service was one mark which in American dollars that equaled to sixty five cents. That was all the information Vanessa needed to free her from the bare white walls of the apartment. On base she could entertain herself with all the necessary services she needed. She made a weekly schedule of what she would do from day to day. The U.S.O. is a service used to family back in the United States. There was usually a line at the U.S.O. which required about an hour wait, but Vanessa didn’t care, she hasn’t spoken to her family in at least nine months and she was home-sick for a familiar voice. Because Vanessa didn’t have a German driver’s license she normally had to depend upon Kennedy to take her to the U.S.O. and if Kennedy was busy it could be another nine months before making with family so Vanessa was ever so grateful to have found out about the bus system. Kennedy came home that evening and informed her that he’s made another rank. He was now E-four. Not much in military viewpoint, but a promotion just as well. Although Vanessa was happy for him she was also disappointed because she was not invited to the promotional ceremony. He celebrated by taking a shower, getting dressed and going to the club. Because of his promotion they were then eligible to move into military housing. It never occurred to Vanessa before, but she now realize that being around other Americans and people that spoke English was such a delight. Vanessa was so excited about the move that she didn’t care about him celebrating without her she was looking forward to packing and moving a step closer to her own sense of freedom. Most of the stayat-home companions were wives and Vanessa realized that she was not alone in her battle to keep her marriage together. Most of the soldiers did as Kennedy did, spend most of their off-duty time at the Non-Commissioned Officer’s club. Kennedy still wasn’t allowed to hang out in the N.C.O. Club since he still didn’t have enough rank to be considered a Non-Commissioned Officer, but there were enough company functions there to get him in every now and then. The N.C.O. Club also served a daily layout of lunch and all-you-can-eat for a small price

buffet for supper which he was allowed to share in the dining hall. For those soldiers that were of lesser rank, there was the Boomerang Club. Most of the soldiers that occupied this club were just a bit older than a teeny-bopper, so the music was more up-beat than that of the N.C.O. club. On some nights, the Boomerang club was like an inside ghetto, wild and unsupervised. It was not unusual for an upper ranking officer to have to make a visit to the Boomerang club to pick up a soldier that have partied too much or drank too much. This usually ends with that soldier having to perform extra duties around the company to get back into good standing with his commander. Soldiers and their guests were carded at the door and given a special stamp on their hand in order to occupy the bar area. The regulars were given blue hip cards if they were old enough to consume alcohol and yellow hip cards if underage. Vanessa knew these inside details because she learned to friend up with other mothers to take turns relieving themselves from the duties of wife and motherhood to party on the weekend. Word had gotten around Kennedy’s company that his wife parties at the club therefore Kennedy found another hangout on the German economy. Two years later Kennedy received orders to report to Fort Polk, Louisiana. Tasha, like most girls her age enjoyed being independent. She learned how to color code her clothes and matched them with her jelly sandals. She was very feminine and loved curls and beads in her hair. Whenever she became too hyper, Vanessa would paint her fingernails and toenails to coax her to sit still for a while as they dry. This was a calming down technique that Tasha wasn’t yet aware of. Tasha was very particular about having dirty hands and feet so Vanessa was constantly checking to make sure the water in the bathtub was turned off after Tasha washed her feet. Although Aaron enjoyed playing with his sister, he spent most of his time keeping an eye on his mother, his pride and joy. He was small, although tall for his age and very overprotective of her. The telephone rang on the side table. As soon as Vanessa said hello she heard, is my brother there? She laid the phone on the table looked at Kennedy and walked away. Kennedy practically skipped over to the table like an excited child and picked up the receiver. When the conversation was done he informed her that Mary was coming to visit. Kennedy knows that the mention of his sister brings out the beast in Vanessa. Kennedy haven’t seen Mary since their visit before Christmas. Vanessa is no more excited to see her now than she was then. She gave up on thinking that things might change and from the way in which Mary greeted her on the telephone she knew that no one was trying to make a change,

therefore Vanessa felt that she needed to prepare herself for battle. Vanessa kept her composure because she didn’t want to sound as if she was begging when she asked Kennedy one more time to have a talk with his sister. I have accepted too many of her barbarous comments and obviously disrespectful comments she explained to him. Don’t tell me to get used to it. These are your sisters and they need to accept the fact that I am not only your wife, but the woman of this house she exclaimed pointing to the floor. If your sisters can’t accept that she may as well not come because I’m not even trying to be nice this time. Obviously the only words he heard was, not come. You see, he began, this is why people don’t come to visit. You always have a problem that you need to blame someone else for. I know that my sisters tease a lot, but you’re not a child. You need to know how to deal with it. Vanessa felt her pressure begin to rise. She wanted more than anything to have a long happy marriage, but she knew that it wasn’t going to happen unless this problem was rectified. She replied, are you giving me permission to straighten out your sisters because I have no problem with that. I just thought it would be better to let you handle it. Kennedy placed his hands on her shoulder as he tried to console her, but realizing that it was much too late. The mere touch of his hand created more animosity than Vanessa was sure she could handle. She shrugged his hands off looking him directly in the eyes and said by the time your sister’s visit is over one of us will be leaving and not returning. You decide if you want your wife in your life or your sister. He stood in amazement at the boldness of her words as she brushed past him and exited the room. He’s not used to her standing her grounds with him. Kennedy realized that Vanessa placed him in an awkward position, but at this point she didn’t even give him a chance to reply when she walked into the kitchen to begin supper. She said what she felt needed to be said and meant every word of it. Vanessa knew the excitement of being in the company of family especially when you don’t see them very often. She also has a first-hand understanding of the loneliness of being home sick and feigning for that familiar voice; nevertheless, he had an ultimatum. She no longer had the desire to try and figure it out, she no longer wanted to try and fit into this family and she no longer cared that she’d been married to this man now for over five years. It doesn’t matter that she still don’t know his mother’s first name, it doesn’t matter that his mother doesn’t accept their children as grandchildren and it doesn’t matter that her children hasn’t been taught their native language. She was a woman scorn and don’t give a damn anymore about much as far as this relationship is concerned. She has

already initiated a mental evaluation of every item in the apartment and decided that if she has to be the one to leave he could keep all of this, but the entire bank is going with her. The anticipation of Mary’s arrival seemed to make the hours drag as Vanessa paced from the front from window to the back door facing the driveway. Her adrenaline was pumping faster than her feet could move. She knew that if she backed down from her word she wouldn’t have a fight in her for the rest of her married life. She knew that the alternative that was given to Kennedy also created an ultimatum for her as well. By night fall she would have to have made a choice; husband or no husband. She made a mental evaluation of her children’s belongings and how she was going to get everything from here to wherever. Vanessa’s heart jumped when the engine roar up the driveway. Kennedy skipped past like a child going out to play. Vanessa ran her tongue across her front teeth, took in a deep breath, forced a smile upon her face and anchored her feet to the spot in which she was standing. Leaning on the kitchen counter with both hands placed firmly in front of her she watched as Landon unloaded suitcases from the car. She didn’t even have to look out the door because Mary’s simulated laughter let her know that she didn’t fall out of the car on the way down the highway. The pitter-patter of little feet refocused her attention as Tasha came running down the hallway followed by Aaron. Aunt Mary, Uncle Landon, they called as they darted past and out the door. Landon, a very soft spoken, seemed to be very educated young man was just as handsome as always. He exhibited perfect posture as he walked assuring that every step was precisely measured to equal the last. The sharp crease in his pants would never reveal that they’d been traveling for hours. Landon slowly dropped his head to one side in a form of a bow as he looked up at Vanessa and smiled. Hello Vanessa he said as he approached with his arms out for a hug. Trying not to get too close yet close enough to get a deep whiff of his heated designer cologne Vanessa peered over his shoulder to his wife just to let her know that she’s keeping an eye on her. The room in the middle of the house was extremely huge. It was separated by an open back room divider to create a living room and dining room separation. After the hugs and kisses they settled in the living room. Vanessa wasn’t in much of a mood to sit and reminisce upon past family adventures, besides the

conversation was carried out in their native language. Vanessa realized that she wasn’t the only one excluded from the conversation as Landon pretended to preoccupy himself with the television. Vanessa retreated to the kitchen to begin supper preparations. When Mary realized that Vanessa wasn’t aggravated she began to speak in English. Mary dominated the conversation and Vanessa turned on the radio that sat on a shelf above the microwave in an effort to block out her loud, uncontrollable laughter in between her phony sophistication and educated high pitched accent carefully pronouncing every word as if each word carried an accent of its own. Even over the smooth voice of Luther Vandross Vanessa could hear her complaining about the housekeeping. Choosing to ignore the fact that Kennedy still don’t know how to defend her Vanessa swayed to the mellowing sounds as she gathered the ingredients necessary to occupy herself with the evening’s feast. Soon the entire house held the aroma of smothered pepper steak, white rice, green beans and homemade biscuits. Dinner’s ready whenever you guys are ready to eat she announced as she entered the living room. Oh, thanks, but we’re going to O’Riley’s. I have a taste for those baby back ribs Mary answered as she playfully smacked Kennedy on the knee. For a moment the room became silent. Everything began to turn red as Vanessa grabbed hold of the wall to try and hold her composure. This was the first time eating out was mentioned and no one wanted to look surprised by Mary’s comment. Then Landon arose and excused himself to the bathroom leaving Ken there to the mercy of his sister’s aggression against his wife. Oh, that sounds like a great idea, Ken quickly replied in an effort to calm the atmosphere. He threw the look of don’t make a big deal of it towards Vanessa. Mary realized that she had once again led them off like lost puppies on a short leash and she was content in knowing that she was once again in control. Well, you’ll have fun, Vanessa replied; I’ll be here when you get back. As she turned and walked away she reminded herself that this was not going to be one of those visits that his sister take over as the woman of the house. O.K, strike one! Just as Vanessa reached up to retrieve a plate from the cabinet she felt a hand upon her waist. Kennedy pulled her close to him and whispered in her ear I’ll help you put the food away later. Oh, I wasn’t about to put the food away, she replied, I’m about to eat. You all can go on to the restaurant if you want, but you could have told me this an hour ago when I began preparing dinner and I promise you, she continued, no one will be cooking in this kitchen tomorrow night. Don’t do this, he begged. You know Mary’s only here for a couple of days. Just let it be please, for me. I’ll make it up to you when they leave he

promised kissing her about the neck. Vanessa looked up into her husband’s eyes. She was still so deeply in love with him, but his promises were about as dependable as delivering a baby without labor pains. Don’t expect me to be the gracious host this weekend she replied as she swept his hands from her waist and attempted to walk out of the kitchen. Kennedy grabbed her by the arm and gently yanked her close to him. He looked deep into her dark brown eyes and kissed away the tear that was holding in the corner. He held her softly as he convinced her that he needed her by his side. As the conversation carried on Vanessa intentionally focused her attention on the children as they colored on their place mats. Landon seemed very comfortable with his wife’s explicit disposition as she slid her chair closer to him to cuddle under his arms. Typical of a newlywed, Vanessa thought. She wondered what he will be telling her five years from now. Landon spent most of his time shaking his head up and down in agreement as she spoke. Vanessa knew that he didn’t understand a damn word that came out of her mouth, but Mary wanted to make her Jezebel spirit obvious to anyone in question of who dominates this moment. The sun shone strongly through the cracks of the blinds. It was early morning and it must be ninety degrees already Vanessa thought as she sat on the side of the bed enjoying the quietness in the air. She tiptoed down the hallway towards the kitchen. She pulled the newspaper from its plastic sleeve and laid it on the table. Just as quick as she developed the idea to prepare breakfast she ed that she was going to play the role of the villain today. She took her time slowly reading every article regardless to how large or boring it was when she heard a noise coming from the other end of the hallway. Aaron must be stirring around she thought, so she went to check on him. She opened the bedroom door slowly not to make a creek. Both the children were still sleeping. She then pulled the door slowly closed in an effort not to wake Ken. As she turned to walk away she was startled by the presence of Mary standing completely nude with a towel in her hand. Vanessa wasn’t sure if she was going into the shower or coming out all she knew was that this is the perfect opportunity to set it straight. What the hell, Vanessa declared with as much attitude as she could muster. Who the hell do you think you are, she said, taking a few steps closer causing Mary to back up against the wall. I don’t walk through my own house like this, she continued and I’ll be damned if you’re going to do it. Your house? Mary shot back as she stepped forward in an effort to place some distance between them this is my brother’s house and I can do whatever the hell

I feel. Vanessa felt her entire body temperature rise several degrees when Mary put her pointer finger on her forehead and said had it not been for my brother your ass wouldn’t have a home at all so why don’t you be a good little maid and go find something to clean. That little push on her forehead gave Vanessa all the strength she needed to move forward with her plan. Vanessa shoved Mary against the wall so hard that the picture fell to the floor and shattered the glass. With one punch to the right side of her face Mary fell into the bedroom door which flung open with a loud bang against the closet door. Just as she began to regain her balance Vanessa grabbed a handful of hair and yanked with all her might. The force knocked Mary onto her ass. Vanessa looked down at Mary and prepared another blow when Landon was startled awake. Mary was in a struggle to get away. She crawled backwards to the side of the bed where Landon was now staring in disbelief. The motion of Landon grabbing the sheet to cover his godly jewels brought Vanessa’s focus back to reality. Vanessa stepped back unclenched her fist and exited the room. She had a sense of satisfaction and besides she wasn’t trying to disrespect or embarrass Landon. She realized now that Mary’s bad-to-the-bone attitude dissipates quickly without an audience. Getting rid of her is going to be soooooo easy now. The house had become alive and everyone was out of bed. Kennedy tried hard not to show his emotions but his anger was hard to hide. No breakfast this morning? Ken asked as he stood looking at the clean counter top. Nope, Vanessa replied with a smile. Vanessa heard Mary suck her teeth and knew that Mary was going to try her patience again. Vanessa flashed her an evil squinted-eye. Vanessa declared again, three strikes you’re out and you my friend has just hit the second. Vanessa already had Aaron’s clothes laid out for the day across the footboard of the bed. Tasha’s so particular that Vanessa just let her pick out her own outfit. When Vanessa entered the room Tasha was already dressed and was helping Aaron tie his shoes. Mommy, Aaron asked, can we go to the park today? Not today she replied, Mommy has other things to do today, but I promise I will take you there on Monday. Surely Mary will be gone by Sunday if not before, she mumbled, I’ve already planned on that. Right now, let’s got get some breakfast! Who wants McDonalds? Vanessa grabbed the keys from the key holder and loaded the children into the only family car they owned. Aaron and Tasha ran directly for the play area as she ordered the food. Vanessa was in no rush so even after the meal was done

she sat and watched the children play. Tasha is such a girly-girl she elated as she watched her climb to the top of the maze exposing her yellow panties that matched her yellow dress that matched her yellow ruffled socks. Vanessa thought about the incident that occurred earlier. An entire day of no cooking, no cleaning and no socializing; I’m going to enjoy every bit of this “me” time she thought. When they returned home Mary and Ken was sitting in front of the television in the living room. Landon was on the balcony enjoying the scenery around the neighborhood. The minute Vanessa’s foot stepped onto the carpet the sarcasm erupted with the comment, “ah, do anyone see any kids in here”? Mary looked at Vanessa and said, why don’t you go find something to clean? Mary’s eyes met with Vanessa’s as she challenged her to reply. Three snaps of the fingers followed by the comment “go get me some water, put some ice in it and it better be cold when you get it back to me” was all Vanessa allowed herself to handle. Strike three! Kennedy must have read straight through Vanessa’s body language. He quickly rose to his feet and came to put his arms around her and escorted her from the doorway. Look, he said, you only have one more day to put up with her. And with a smile of assurance he whispered they’ll be gone tomorrow morning. Tomorrow, Vanessa thought, tomorrow is too far away! Vanessa looked up at her husband and flashed a flirty smile. Her water was on the way, a whole bucket full of ice cold water, she thought. Vanessa already realized that she was not a fighter, but neither was Mary. Vanessa walked into the bedroom and grabbed a metal nail file. She thought about several things she could use it for, but decided to file her nails into a point. She made sure Kennedy was out of reach when she walked the dining area and into the living room carrying the blue mop bucket. Before Mary could realize that Vanessa was bolder than she imagined, Vanessa released her plan. Holding the bucket by the handle with the other hand secure on the bottom Vanessa stood toe to toe in front of Mary and said, I dare you to say another daggone word! Landon’s body flinch as he turned to see what was going on in the living room. Vanessa didn’t even give Mary time to reply when she threw the entire contents of the bucket directly into her face and then swung the handle to make to the side of her head. Vanessa threw the bucket to the floor and reached into my pocket and pulled out the nail file. She was on top of Mary with the point at her throat when Ken grabbed her hand and removed the object while attempting to pull her away. I will see to it that your brother is not going to be around to save you every time Vanessa spat swinging

her other hand making with the left side of Mary’s face. The tip of her nails grazed across her skin causing blood to flow down her high-yellow cheek. Tasha and Aaron watched as their aunt grabbed her face and ran towards the bathroom. Her blond streaked hair no longer held the perfectly tight curls and her mascara was now mixed with the red that stained her perfectly laundered and starched blouse. When Kennedy placed Vanessa back on her feet they were in the bedroom behind closed doors. What the hell is wrong with you, he scolded. Vanessa had never fought her husband before, but brazenness led her to believe that she was ready for anything now. Anger and adrenaline was still forcing her veins to bulge. Vanessa pushed Kennedy in his chest which basically caused her to bounce back, Kennedy never budged. He just stood there looking at her and shaking his head. You need to calm down, he said. And when you’re done, you need to apologize to Mary. Apologize? Okay I’ll apologize she said reaching for the baseball bat that sat in the corner behind the door. Vanessa was provoking another fight but Kennedy was not about to let that happen. He snatched the bat from her hand, pointed a finger at her and said don’t come out of this room with that bullshit. Once Kennedy left the room to attend to his sister Vanessa paced from one side of the bed to the other disappointed because Mary was saved again. Since Vanessa don’t carry the type of personality that holds grudges her anger was short-lived. Hours had ed before she spoke a word to anyone. She wasn’t angry, she just didn’t have anything to say. Landon decided that he needed to wash his car before getting back on the highway so he gathered some soap and sponges and laughed as he held up the blue bucket and said I think I’ll take this with me. Do you think you ladies can play nicely? Landon teased before walking out to the garage. Mary haven’t spoken a word since Vanessa messed up her perfect hairdo and the bandages on her face was a physical reminder to keep her damn mouth shut. Ken flashed Vanessa a look that she suppose was supposed to be threatening as he walked by. Vanessa returned a devious smile and sat at the counter with a cool glass of lemonade. With the kids gone too, Vanessa felt horns suddenly poke from the corners of her forehead. It seemed as if she had Satan on one shoulder and an Angel of God on the other. This was her turn to manipulate some drama. She strolled into the dining room and slammed her cup on the table with a bang, opened an envelope and pretended to read some mail. She just wanted to put some tension in the air

and dare Mary to make a wrong move or say the wrong thing. Mary had just begun to doze off when Vanessa kicked her feet off the sofa. Just as quickly as she rose in surprise Vanessa pushed her right back onto the chair. Let me explain something to you she began with an index finger on her forehead. I am married to your brother not you, therefore I am the woman of THIS or any other home we occupy. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you like me or not but the next time you decide you need to disrespect me in MY home will be your last! Vanessa had nothing more to say except don’t put your feet back on my sofa. When Landon and Ken pulled up into the driveway, Mary was sitting in a chair in the garage with the suitcases on the floor next to her. Landon quickly charged at her to wipe the tears that were welling up in her eyes. She was so choked up with emotions that all she could manage to say was let’s go. Vanessa watched without remorse from the window. No feelings whatsoever as Ken dashed into the house expecting to find it turned upside down. Vanessa felt like she could stick her chest out with pride as they all embarked upon a new relationship. She knew that the next time they meet would be an entirely different approach. She also knew that through this experience the rest of his sisters will have the same understanding because all of them are like monkey see monkey do. Vanessa don’t care if they ever like her, but she has established the fact that they will respect her.

A NEW KIND OF FAMILY

October had just rolled in when Kennedy announced another move. He was required to report to Ft. Lewis, Washington in two months. Kennedy elated to take the drive so they could pocket the travel expenses. Of all the States they ed through Vanessa found Colorado to be the most amazing. Vanessa was now driving up the narrow steep mountain that many of the thriller movies were filmed from; afraid to look over the side of the cliff knowing that the only thing preventing a fatal accident was the two-foot guard rail. The highways were so steep that once you reached the top and peered back it looked like you’d been on a rollercoaster ride. In the distance and at the bottom of each hill were a sandy incline off on the right just in case the brakes on someone’s car malfunctioned during the journey. At the peak of each highway was a rest stop for photographer moments of remembrance. The sky looked like it was so close to the ground that you could reach up and touch it and just for the sake of curiosity Vanessa tried to do just that. Ski country indeed. In the far distance of each photo was the famous snow-capped mountain that every few decades or so would erupt and cast volcanic ash on the lowlands. Dangerous for the most part but breathtakingly gorgeous. A native New Yorker could have never fantasized such beauty. Once they reached post they realized that the orders were for Kennedy, not Kennedy and family; so they settled into the local lodge until family quarters became available. Each morning Vanessa walked the children to school. Aaron loved the early morning walks, but Tasha hated the early morning rise. A week later they had an address of their own. Tasha’s favorite part of all moves was the arrival of the moving truck. She enjoyed un-wrapping all the newspapers and helping her mom arrange the house putting everything back together. It was like re-building the same 3D puzzle over and over again. Vanessa loved the fact that the house was on a corner lot which separated her from most of the other wives. The only one she shared a walkway with was Tricia and her family. Tricia was married to Derek and they had three children, Andrea, Derek Jr. and Marcella. Andrea was the oldest of the three children and they had been living there for two years.

Spring taught Tasha that there were lots of interesting things to discover outdoors. The warmth of the air brought a variety of fruit trees, berry vines and nuts. It also brought the wakening of all types of creatures from snakes to turtles and snails. They spent countless hours gathering and enjoying lunch outdoors. On laundry day the pockets of their jeans would have a collection of hazel nuts, pecans, berries and seeds from eaten fruit. The fact that the fall brought so much damp weather didn’t bother them at all they just continued to discover whatever Mother Nature bloomed from the earth. Tricia spoke of her childhood from somewhere in South Dakota. Some of the stories were too real for Vanessa’s imagination. They were just too straight forward and clean to be reality. It wasn’t so much that Tricia was naive to city life, but she tried so hard to be the good girl without blemishes. She was fascinated with stories that Vanessa shared of street life in the big city and compared them to movies she’d seen on television. However, her ignorance made her overly suspicious of other people and she did all she could to avoid the drama by staying to herself. New Yorkers were especially not to be trusted since they were portrayed as slicksters, fast-talkers and thieves. Tricia’s parents were strict on the females and for this reason she mirrored this towards her own children and never let Andrea roam far from her reach. Tricia spoke mostly of how women were designed by God to be male pleasers and spoke of the bible constantly and repeated stories to her ideas. Tricia believed that a dissatisfied husband was a sign of a lazy wife. Vanessa believed that there are some men that just can’t be satisfied no matter what you do therefore, a dissatisfied husband was sometimes due to his own principles. Vanessa listened to what she was saying, but felt sorry for the fact of knowing that Tricia will be forever messed up if her marriage doesn’t play out the dream in her head. Vanessa quickly learned to disappear when Derrick came home. That was just one of Tricia’s rules because her time and attention was now focused upon her husband and no one else. Although they was neighbors and spoke upon occasions Vanessa couldn’t consider Tricia a friend because she felt that Tricia was just trying too hard to live the perfect life as the perfect wife with the perfect family. Kennedy’s presence in the home became more and more distant. He keeps explaining to Vanessa that he’s not having an affair, but Vanessa knows that a female commander has no authorization to hold a meeting until three in the morning with male subordinates. She tried convincing herself that it didn’t matter as long as the money came into the house, but after a while this idea of

overlooking what was really happening was beginning to annoy her and finding out that other wives has the same concerns were reason enough to devise a plan that works for them all. Valerie, a mother of five who loved Country and Western was the first to come up with a plan. Fridays became the night she dropped the kids off at Vanessa’s house and partied at the Saddle Club. Vanessa didn’t mind a bit as a matter of fact Tasha and Aaron loved the company and began looking forward to those sleepovers. Valerie cared for Vanessa’s two and Lydia’s daughter on Saturday nights. We all chipped in to supply pizza or burgers for the eight children. Vanessa and Lydia were fresh to the club scene so Danielle introduced them to The Boneshakers Club. They were all grateful for the arrangement because the children were safe and they had the freedom to exercise their rights as adults one night a week. They became their own babysitting club and it was perfect until Dustin was caught freaking some cowgirl in the back seat of the family van. Kennedy was too busy doing his own thing to realize that things had changed. The music was pumping and the dance floor was crowded. Bodies bounced, swayed, bumped and shimmied to the beat. This was the normal setting and most people either knew each other by relations, friendship or face recognition. Vanessa wasn’t much of a drinker, but she was sure having her share of samplings; Sloe Gin Fizz, Long Island Ice Tea, Fuzzy Naval and if she really felt frisky she’d have a Zombie. There were youngsters who risked their lives on the war field everyday yet wasn’t old enough to order a single drink. These were usually the wild boys that got bounced from the club before the evening ended. Vanessa was wrapped up with a cinnamon colored brother grinding to Shirley Murdock’s “as we lay”. A group of gay men were showing off their moves at a table by the edge of the dance floor. It seems that they had their own groove going on because their twitching were nowhere near the beat of what the DJ was playing. They became the center of attention as they frolicked with the upmost energy. Vanessa’s partner began whispering in her ear. What’s your name? Kim, she replied. Why you lie, he teased. Vanessa pulled herself from his grip to look into his face. What makes you think I’m lying? She asked. Because I know you, that’s why he replied. You know me? From where? You live in that white house on the corner of Hillcrest, don’t you? He inquired. You’re married to the brother that drives the silver Honda and you have a little girl and a little boy. So, he

continued, how long have you been married? Vanessa was taken back for a minute; trying to if she’d seen him before. I don’t you, where do I know you from? She asked and how’d you know that? Guys talk. He replied. Well, you can tell your guy friends that they need to mind their business she shot back at him. What you getting upset for? He asked. I just wanted to know your name, your real name. Why don’t you go ask your guy friends Vanessa replied then walked off the floor to Lydia and Danielle at the table? They were too busy flirting with the brothers that showed interest in them to notice that Vanessa had an attitude change. She was no longer in the mood for partying, but she didn’t want to make it uncomfortable for them so she just sat at the table sipping on her drink until it was time to go. The one thing she liked about their little pact is the fact that they all understood that they came together, therefore they leave together. No exceptions, nobody gets left behind and no additions. Kennedy’s car was in the driveway when Vanessa arrived. He must have had a messed up night too, she thought. The house was fairly dark except for the few night lights she keep plugged in for the kid’s nighttime bathroom trips. Kennedy was in bed already as Vanessa slipped the bedroom and into the hot shower. Just as her muscles began to relax from the heat of the water to her surprise the bathroom door opened and Kennedy slipped behind the shower curtain to her. His soldier was at full attention. At first she didn’t know how to react. It had been a long time since the two of them had been intimate. He pulled her close and started planting kisses on her neck. I’ve been waiting for you he cooed. This was long awaited and Vanessa melted into his advances. It was then that she realized that she really did long for his tender touch. She flowed with the foreplay and let nature take its course. It was pleasurable to once again wake up with her head on his chest and her leg fondling his. Valerie was never in any rush for Vanessa or Danielle to pick up the kids, so Vanessa invited Ken out to a private breakfast. Did Ken really miss me or could he not get any last night she wondered. They had a pleasant conversation as he filled her in with activities going on at the company and future plans. I’m going to Korea for about a year, he said. Vanessa looked up from her plate to see the seriousness in his face. She tried to sound bubbly as she replied, really? Wow, I’d love to go to Korea! Kennedy snickered and made the correction to let her know that Korea was a non-family move. I’ve already made arrangements for you and the kids to stay at the house until I return, he continued. A year without Ken? Vanessa primped her lip to look disappointed, but in reality this was

welcoming news. Vanessa was getting tired of the distance in their relationship and thought this just might be the chance to get them some breathing room. Sometimes she think these deployments are the only reason they’re still together. Well you know next year Tasha will be starting Middle School she reminded him and by the time you get back Aaron will be in preparing for Middle School. She’s already getting tall he let out a quiet laugh and said and by the time I get back she’ll probably be almost as tall as me. That might be a bit exaggerated, Vanessa ed in with the laughter. I’ll miss you something awful she confirmed. How often will I hear from you? I don’t know, Ken replied. I don’t know what to expect when I get there. I’ve heard so many stories about Korea. We’ll just have to play it by ear he replied. Silence fell upon the table. Then Ken asked, what are you going to do while I’m gone, you know, with the kids in school and all you’re going to have a lot of time on your hands. She assured him that she’d probably get a job or something to occupy my time. The only job she’d ever had was at the girl’s school and helping out at the restaurant. Ken sat with his head hung low. It looked as if he wasn’t even listening to her. He had something else on his mind. She touched his hand to adjust his mood. I said I will always love you she reassured. This made Ken feel warm inside. He was grateful that giving her this news went so smoothly. Vanessa picked up her purse and told him not to worry about her and the kids, but right now we better get going so I can relieve Valerie. It was about nine o’clock Monday morning when the telephone rang. Hey girl, Danielle spoke into the telephone receiver, I have a question for you. O.K. shoot! Vanessa replied So, who was that cute honey you kept your eyes on Saturday night, did you even get his name? Girl, No. I kept my eyes on him because that fool scares me, Why? He’s obviously been watching me. What do you mean? He told me exactly where I live, that I was married and how many children I had

and their approximate ages. I’ve never seen that fool before, how’d he know so much about me. That made me very uncomfortable. Danielle laughed, Girl don’t you know who that was? No, why, do you? Yea, I’ll tell you about it later when I get off; right now we have drill and I have to get going. Now Vanessa was curious while waiting for Danielle to explain. This situation was making her more nervous. She needed something else to think about so she turned on the computer and just stared at the screen. She haven’t been job searching in so long she wasn’t sure where to start. She read through some job openings and position description….. Resume? hummmmmm? First she have to research how to do a resume. She need to find out from Lydia how much she charges for after school child care. Kennedy was surprised that she had begun looking for employment so soon. I thought you were going to wait he asked. Yea, but I need to see what’s out there and what my options are she explained. Danielle offered to help me prepare a resume. She said she’d done this many times before and can help me make it look professional. Kennedy sat in front of the television. The Lakers were playing, but his mind was not on the game. He thought about how long he was going to be gone and what change might occur in his absence. But more than anything he hoped it would change his relationship with Toya. He and Toya has been friends for a while now and he didn’t know how to break it off without hurting her. He never thought he’d be in a position where he couldn’t use his marriage as an excuse to escape once his manhood has been satisfied. He had no intentions of trading Vanessa for Captain Toya Lebron, but Toya, made him feel confident in ways that Vanessa couldn’t. He knew from the beginning that this secret love affair would not only jeopardize his family, but also his career. The ball is now in Toya’s court because she knows that he has a wife and family. Being the second in command in the company gave her the opportunity to call a meeting at her discretion and know that Kennedy would show, but she also knows about the risks involved for getting caught up. Toya understood this breech of policy from the beginning as a matter of fact she’s the one that briefs all the new soldiers

upon this policy. The day she walked into the barrack room and got a view of Kennedy in his boxers was the day she developed a strong attraction for him that she couldn’t resist. However, she thought she could chew that gum one time and spit it out. Little did she know that that gum wanted to pop her over and over again. Vanessa allotted Kennedy the same respect for freedom as he gave to her, but her common sense led her to believe that there was something about this setup that didn’t seem legit. Danielle was enjoying a glass of wine when Vanessa arrived. The folder in Vanessa’s hand was just a decoy to get her out of the house. Vanessa’s main concern was learning more about the mystery man at The Boneshakers. Not that she wanted to get with him or anything she was flattered that someone found her interesting. Leslie, Danielle’s daughter ran to the door to greet Vanessa as soon as the door opened. Hi Ms. Vee, she greeted. After picking her up and kissing her on the cheek. Vanessa pulled a lollipop that she was using to decorate her ponytail and handed it to Leslie. Danielle took the lollipop from Leslie’s hand and removed the cellophane covering then handed it back instructing Leslie to brush her teeth when she was done. Once Leslie was out of sight Vanessa demanded answers from Danielle. O.K., give me the scoop. Danielle began; the day you came to pick me up? Yea, Do you what you were wearing? Vanessa thought for a while and then said, yea, I was wearing my yellow spandex with the yellow and black blouse. Do you who I was talking to when you pulled up? Yea, you were talking with a soldier. Yea, I was talking to Carlton. Who? That’s his name Nathaniel Carlton. He’s been asking about ever since. I gave him a little information about you thinking he was going to back off and stop sweating you especially when I told him that you were happily married. I had no idea he was going to develop this possession for you and I was just surprised

when he approached you at the club with such boldness. I promise you, I did not set that up. You told him quite a bit including what type of car Kennedy drives Vanessa insisted. No, Danielle replied, I didn’t tell him all of that. I don’t know how he knows all of that. All I told him was that you lived in my neighborhood, you were married and had two children. I swear, that’s all I told him. Well, how about telling me a little bit about him, Vanessa inquired. You don’t want to know anything about him. Believe me, you don’t want to get involved with him. Why? Trust me, you just don’t. Let’s just leave it at that. Danielle made sure Vanessa understood that she would speak no more on the subject but reassured her that she would have a supervisor’s talk with him and tell him to back off. Danielle then opened the folder that laid it on the table and began to snicker. What? Vanessa asked. This is the saddest resume I’ve ever seen, but we can fix it she said with a giggle, leave it with me and let me play around with it. Lydia was just g the last child out for the evening. Her house smelled of Italian sausage. Once she fed her children bathe them and got them in bed she walked over to Valerie’s. Valerie always put her kids to bed early. I guess when you have so many you need to keep them on a schedule or drive yourself crazy trying to keep everything organized. Valerie had the cleanest house I’ve ever seen a woman with so many family . She was obviously a neat freak. She was folding the last of the laundry when we looked into her back door. The sight of us always makes her smile. She walked over and unlocked the screen door to allow us entrance through the kitchen. Her house was quiet, not even the television was on. She had machines I’ve never seen before sitting on the counter. She has shown me several times how to make homemade lasagna noodles, grind your own ground beef and how to prepare, knead and bake a loaf of bread. I just find it easier to purchase these things from the store.

Valerie’s house was the convenient gathering spot for “girl time”. With the garage door opened they could view either the back door or the front steps of each of our house. Valerie came out to the garage carrying a four-pack of wine coolers in assorted flavors and they enjoyed the calm of the night until the mosquitos decided to send them home. So many conversations took place on these evenings that we lost count. We found out so much about each other from childhood to the personal lives in our bedrooms. Vanessa had never connected with anyone before and trusted them with her personal information like she did these three women. She was satisfied with her new found happiness of weekend and late evening friend connection. When Vanessa received her resume back from Danielle the creativity in which it was designed was nothing less than a work of art. The capital “L” in the upper left hand corner decorated with woven leaves and her name centered in the same font followed by the address sitting directly below was the first thing that caught you eye, information set off to the left and on the same line as the e-mail address on the right. The wording was so meticulous that Vanessa teasingly asked, who are we talking about here? Some of the material was familiar and some were dramatically exaggerated. She never realized anyone could manifest such professionalism when speaking about her. I’m sure to land a position presenting this Vanessa said with a hearty laugh. Although she enjoyed the company of friends she’s more than ready to get back into the employed field. Becoming a stay-at-home mom hasn’t done much for her self-confidence other than let her know that she can keep a man satisfied. She need more than that. She needed some independence. She also needed to fulfill the ambitions that she had once incorporated for herself. After several weeks Vanessa found that she’d gained nothing more than interview experience. Kennedy finally took some vacation time. Vanessa thought this would be a good time to do something as a family so she made plans to take the kids to the beach, but when she brought the idea to Kennedy he opposed. He said he took this time to just relax before deploying and that is exactly what he’s going to do for the next two weeks. Kennedy has become more of a home-body which was making Vanessa very nervous. He even gave up his weekends with the boys just to sit in front of the television with his feet up on the coffee table. Vanessa questioned her own principles. Was this the time when she was supposed to become submissive? Was she supposed to serve him? This behavior was strange to her and she

struggled to understand his expectations. She was comfortable with the fact that he was never there and she’s been running the household. Was she now supposed to step aside and let him be the “king of the castle”? The kids were even becoming uncomfortable with daddy now controlling their daily activities. Kennedy became upset when Aaron asked if he could go outside and Kennedy answered yes. Although Aaron received an answer he looked to Vanessa for assurance. It wasn’t until she shook her head up and down that Aaron grabbed his ball and walked out the door. Kennedy began accusing her of turning his kids against him or undermining his authority. It didn’t matter how Vanessa tried to console him, he realized that he had already lost his authority and Vanessa tried to feel sorry for him, but somehow she felt that he did it to himself by limiting his time with the family. It’s not her fault that he chose to become more of a figurine than a father. During the remainder of his vacation they seemed to get into little arguments about nothing and Vanessa found herself wishing the day would come for him to fulfill those orders. All of a sudden it bothers him that she winds down the evenings with her friends and it bothers him that she goes to the club on Saturdays and it even bothers him that she wears make-up on a daily basis and has started keeping her hair looking good. Wait a minute she thought, I wore make-up on a daily basis before I married him. I’m just getting back to myself and what makes me comfortable. Anyway, she figured tonight she’ll just prevent all the bickering by spending time with him even if he just want to sit here on the sofa and stare at each other. Vanessa thought it would break the monotony to do something different. She prepared two suppers. As the kids sat to eat their hamburgers and fries the smell of steak and onions filled the air. Kennedy was in the shower when she put the kids down for the evening. The table was set with candles and the lights were dimmed. There were two steak dinners on the table with a glass of red wine beside each plate. Luther Vandross was singing a house is not a home. It’s not that she was trying to throw any hints it’s just what was playing on the radio. She’d pre-ordered the movie “Sparkle” to air at nine on the movie channel and knew Kennedy was good and hungry by now. She wanted to capture the surprised look upon his face as he entered the room and found her standing in the lavender negligee he bought her for her birthday. The evening was set for cuddles, coos and whatever else might come. When Kennedy returned in his pajamas and saw Vanessa standing behind the table holding a red rose he had a questionable look upon his face; unfortunately it wasn’t the look of love, lust or even wanting to be bothered. He walked over to

the table and picked up a plate and took a seat on the sofa in front of the television. What are you doing? She asked with annoyance. I just feel like eating over here he replied, I’m not up for all the romance in here. Vanessa felt like an idiot standing there half naked like she was desperate for something. She was a little upset but wasn’t going to give him the glory of knowing that he was getting on her nerves. She whispered under her breath, he’s acting just like his damn sister. She went into the bedroom to change clothes, and before putting her house keys in her pocket she turned on the top light to the living room. She said I just want to make sure you have lots of light so you can see me walk out the damn door then she picked up her plate and headed for Valerie’s garage. Everybody’s attention was turned towards her as she walked across the street with a plate in her hand. She had previously told them about her plans to spend the evening with her husband so they were anxiously waiting for details. The look on her face let them know that the green grass had turned brown but they still wanted the juice. Vanessa’s not sure what he wants from her anymore and her uncertainties are irritating her. Kennedy doesn’t say anything he just rejects everything she does. She no longer wants to try and figure it out. She’s at the point of “screw him”. Danielle was the first to suggest that maybe he’s been having an affair. Her reaction was of no surprise to Vanessa since this is the logical reaction when things change so quickly in a relationship. It’s not that she hadn’t thought about it, but she wasn’t analyzing that without some sort of proof. Other than the late night meetings with Captain Lebron, Kennedy hadn’t given her any reason to think he might be involved with someone else. Lydia said Vanessa gives him too much play time and that’s not good for any relationship. Vanessa doesn’t see where she was doing anything different than any of them. Valerie confessed that when she found out about Dustin’s affair she almost had a nervous breakdown. This was of no surprise to any of them. They already knew that Dustin was her third husband and the last two put her in the hospital with extreme medical issues. The idea of being a single parent scared Vanessa beyond belief. Suddenly everyone seems to have a solution for my relationship, she thought. I can’t even be mad at them; after all I came out here like a fool and aired my business. She felt like an idiot, but didn’t know how to end the conversation without causing a controversy with the only people that helps her remain sane. Vanessa realized that they mean well, but they weren’t helping the situation at all. The next morning was an early rise for Vanessa. She’d already made up her

mind that she wasn’t sitting around the house watching Kennedy in his misery. If Kennedy wants to be left alone she was surely going to leave him alone. Vanessa didn’t know too many places to go, but she knew how to get up to Seattle. So she put the children in the car and adventured up the highway to find out what the Space Needle was all about. The Space Needle itself was just a tall metal constructed thing in which you could take an elevated ride to the top to view the entire city. On a clear day and the scenery was beautiful. Surrounding the Space Needle was an amusement park. The kids enjoyed getting their faces painted, running through the splash park and playing games at the various booths. Aaron bounced his prized basketball all the way back to the car. He was most proud of the fact that he shot the basket on his own. When they returned the house was a wreck. Kennedy had spent the day counting and preparing the gear that he had to turn in for inspection. Everything was lined up in neat little rows. Aaron ran to show his dad his prize and in the interim stepped on the packing list. Kennedy grabbed the ball from his hands and threw it into the dining room causing it to bounce off the wall and knock over the vase that held the artificial flowers. He sent Aaron crying to his room insisting that he don’t come out until he was told to do so. Vanessa was furious. It was one thing to mess with her, but when you start messing with her children that’s a whole new set of rules. Vanessa sent Tasha to check on her brother leaving the availability for a serious conversation. What the heck is your problem she spewed? You’ve been a goddamn man ever since you’ve been told about your orders to go to Korea. That’s not our fault and you are not going to keep treating us like you have issues with us just because you have issues with your job. I didn’t put you in this military however I am willing to you through it, but if you’re going to keep acting like a butthole then I will become one too. Are you trying to make your kids scared of you or do you want all of us to get the hell out of your life. Please tell me so I can ease your pain. Kennedy looked at her in disbelief of the manner in which she was addressing him. Vanessa didn’t know what his next step was about to be, but she waited for him to take that move. Kennedy’s behavior had been on her mind all day and she was beyond pissed. Kennedy has never been any good at handling stress. This is usually the time when he would lean on his sisters for advice. He realized that he was pushing his family away and the guilt of his actions was weighing heavy on his mind. Vanessa looked deep into the eyes of the man she loved so dearly. Vanessa knows how quickly things could get out of control so she decided that it was best to step back and give him some space. Kennedy walked ed her

without a word and into the kid’s room. Vanessa was skeptical of his actions so she listened carefully from the end of the hallway. Aaron was sitting on the floor rolling a car back and forth. Tear was still on his face, but he was no longer crying when Kennedy entered with the basketball in his hand. At the sight of her father Tasha crawled to the back of the bed so far that she was touching the wall. Kennedy sat on the edge of the bed and thought about his actions and wished he could take them back. He reached down and picked up Aaron, placed him on his lap and hugged him tightly. As he hugged him he apologized then reached an open hand back towards Tasha. Tasha was happy to grab her daddy’s hand as she scooted closer to him. Kennedy put Tasha on his other knee and hugged her too. A tear welled up in Kennedy’s eye and he quickly wiped it away before the children noticed. Kennedy didn’t want his kids to be afraid of him, but he feared that the damage was already done. When Kennedy was done counting, cleaning and shining his equipment he folded everything and placed it into a duffle bag and put it in the car. It was already late in the evening as Kennedy disappeared into the glow of the street lights. Vanessa was relieved that he was gone. She’d already made up her mind that she wasn’t going to wait up for him because she know he won’t be home anytime soon. At least that’s what she thought. She found herself worried and wondering what mood he would be in upon his return. She heard Kennedy’s keys in the door about two in the morning. She pretended to be asleep while watching him through squinted eyes mainly because she’d come to the point that she don’t trust him anymore. She didn’t know if he would be drunk or what his thoughts are and she was very uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with him. She don’t know if it’s because of the egotistical advice offered in Valerie’s garage or because everything about him has become extremely perplexed. The thought that this is the last day of his vacation eased her mind. She awakened to cramps in her stomach. She got up to take two Advils and saw Kennedy asleep on the sofa. She threw the pills into her mouth and washed them down with a glass of water. She sat on the side of the bed and wondered how she would handle it if Kennedy was having an affair. When she went into the living room about six o’clock. Kennedy was already up and gone. She began to prepare breakfast for the children and get them ready for whatever they were going to get into today. Her stomach felt queasy and she ran into the bathroom to relieve herself. She closed her eyes and tried to stop her head from spinning, but it just caused the entire room to spin. This is the same feeling she got when she was pregnant with Aaron. After sitting on side of the

bathtub and scolding herself for even thinking she could be pregnant. About a half hour later her equilibrium finally leveled out and she was able to function normally again. There were only three weeks left of school and Tasha was getting restless. Normally she would have gotten out of bed when her alarm clock went off, but she was uninterested in the day’s activities. She was ready for a vacation. Vanessa tried to give her a little inspiration by reminding her that her Grandmother agreed to come get them and let them spend some time with her hoping that this would comfort her so she could press through one more day.

GRANDMAMA

A month after Danielle announced that she would be relocating to Hawaii Vanessa walked her house and was automatically drawn to the huge window that once held the draperies that decorated the living room. It was awkward to be able to see straight through to the back door. No curtains, no shades, no furniture, no sounds whatsoever. When Danielle received her orders she was excited and also saddened that she had to send Leslie home to her mother until she received approval for family housing. Although the other kids in the family knew Leslie, Leslie did not feel the welcome as a family member should. Instead it was like invading someone else’s turf. Grandmama found herself constantly remind the other children that Leslie was her grandchild too and she loved her the same as all the rest, but for some reason Leslie was no longer accepting that even her grandmother believed that little line. Leslie was now going on nine years old. She’d been through this move several times before and she was old enough to recognize the resentment. Besides the fact that she was constantly ing and uning in and out of Public Schools or never knowing how long her stay was going to be, Leslie didn’t want to be there any more than her cousins wanted her there. Erika was always the one that began instigating problems. She began by going through Leslie’s personal belongings and taking whatever she desired. She constantly repeated that Leslie was nothing more than an army brat with no place to call home. If Leslie hesitated to confront her or try to get her things back Erika, knowing that she was much older and bigger than Leslie overpowered her and then dared her to tell. Leslie often endured the scolding for things that went wrong or lying to her mother about losing things that Erika stole. Leslie had already made up her mind that things were going to be different this time. She knew that sooner or later she would have to stand up to Erika. Leslie didn’t want to fight her cousin, but neither was she going to allow herself to be bullied. Erika was fifteen and pretty chunky for her age. Leslie also took into consideration that Erika has twin sisters that she lead like puppies on a leash. The twins are only a year older than Leslie; but because their personalities and interests are so different it is easy for Leslie to separate them if she needed to do so. Leslie’s had three years since her last visit which means she’s had three years to plot and plan. Upon her last visit she was thrown on the floor and choked trying to protect her stuff. Since then she has

challenged herself to schoolyard scuffles just to sharpen her skills and endurance. This is an on-going game, but this time Leslie was ready for them all this time. She had already begun preparing her room. She learned this from years of watching her mother protect herself from her father’s drunkard weekends with the boys. In one corner she hid a short stick that was just big enough for her to grasp tightly within her fist. Behind the picture frame on the dresser she hid a small container of pepper spray that she took from her aunt’s purse, under one corner of the mattress a small knife which she had no intentions of using, but just in case things really got out of hand and under another a belt rolled up just a few inches from the edge. Behind her back she had a sock with two rocks occupying the toe and a knot securing the top. Leslie was determined that three against one was not going to win this time. Leslie loved Grandmama dearly, but Grandmama chose to be unaware to the actions of the children and Leslie wasn’t accepting the poor grandma role either. Leslie heard heavy footsteps on the stairs and listened carefully as they came closer. The door swung opened and Erika stood in the doorway with the twins lagging behind. Although her heart began to beat at an abnormal pace and her breathing became shallow Leslie was ready to put her plan to the test. She rose from the computer desk that was placed in the corner near the window and leaned against the corner of the dresser. She felt for the weight of the rocks in the sock as she wrapped it around her hand behind her back. Then she took a quick look at the pepper spray to assure that it was still there. She had already convinced herself that the only way to stop these attacks was to stand her ground. She the time her mother told her if you’re faced with a situation that you can’t beat with your hands find something that can do the job. It’s a fairly small room so it could go in her favor or against her favor. Erika and Symphony entered the room. They had silly smirks on their faces. Erika was wearing a ribbon folded into a corsage with the words Happy Birthday glued to the center. It was pinned onto her blouse and several dollar bills were attached. Erika sat in the rocking chair and smiled at Leslie. What do you have for me she asked? Symphony began to giggle. Simone kept an inquisitive look. Leslie evaluated the situation. She’s never had a problem with Simone, but that doesn’t mean she trusts her. Simone was part of the package deal. Erika reached over to Leslie’s jewelry box and opened the top. Leslie slapped it shut catching Erika’s finger. Erika squealed in pain as she snatched her finger and inspected where the skin was now missing. Erika attempted to rise from the chair. Leslie reached behind the photo and picked up the mini baseball bat. As soon as Simone caught sight of the weapon she backed up towards the doorway. When Symphony

advanced towards Leslie, Leslie swung the stick. It made a loud thud on Erika’s head. Leslie then swung the sock towards Symphony’s head. Symphony fell to the floor. Symphony’s eyes began to water as she held her hand up to the side of her face and glared at Leslie in disbelief. Both girls were struggling to regain their footing when Leslie pushed Symphony in an effort to make her fall into Erika. Erika jumped clear of the falling body and leaped towards Leslie. Leslie came back with the sock of rocks landing a knot on the side of Erika’s head then she reached for the pepper spray, however the sock fell to the floor and Erika now has her feet on it. Simone was no longer in the door way leaving Symphony and Erika to finish the job. Erika looked at Symphony and gave her a slight nod. Symphony had blood running from her lip. She swung her fist towards Leslie. Leslie jumped clear of the fist and let out a straight stream of pepper spray directly in Symphony’s face. Erika immediately began to cough uncontrollably and Leslie knew that Erika was now out of the fight. Symphony snatched the stick from Leslie and began to swing hitting Leslie several times on her back. Leslie fell along the base of the wall and felt a sharp pain in the back of her head. She grabbed the corner of the bed spread and yanked it causing Symphony to fall to the floor. Using a pencil she found on the floor she sat on top of Symphony and looked up at Erika who was now holding the sock in one hand and covering her nose and mouth with the other. When Erika realized that Leslie had the pencil gripped in her hand and raised above her head she hesitated and took a step back. No words were spoken as Grandmama stood in the doorway looking dumbfounded. Grandmama was upset but there was no way she was angrier than Leslie. Had Grandmama not turned her head the first time things may not have gotten to this point. Simone stood behind Grandmama breathing heavy as if she had been running. Grandmama demanded them to get the room cleaned up and told everyone to meet her at the kitchen table in five minutes. From the time Leslie was a small child she knew that the kitchen table was the place everyone ed to settle family squabbles or discuss family business. Erika and Symphony rolled their eyes at Simone as she trailed behind Grandmama towards the kitchen. Soon as Grandmama was out of sight Erika choked out the words this is not over and she walked out of the room along with Symphony leaving the mess to be cleaned by Leslie. When Leslie reached the kitchen the only one sitting there was Grandmama. Leslie was still pretty upset that she had to fight her cousins; the ones she thought would have her back through thick and thin. Family, she thought, what’s

the meaning of that word? I’m not going to have this fighting over my head, Grandmama declared. You’ll sounded like a bunch of bulls up there. I thought the floor was going to cave in. What the heck has gotten into you? She asked the question but Leslie knew she didn’t want an answer so Leslie didn’t even bother to try and find one. Leslie couldn’t even find the need for tears because crying wouldn’t have changed anything. Grandmama sat with her hands folded in her lap. She began to twirl her thumbs around each other and shake her head from side to side as if she was out of answers. Then she began to hum. Leslie didn’t know what she was humming except that it was a church song. When she lifted her head she looked at Leslie and said, go get washed up for dinner. Leslie stood in front of the mirror. Her back still hurt and her lip was beginning to swell. She turned towards the mirror to try and see if there was blood or cuts on her back. She was upset that Grandmama didn’t even ask how the fight got started or if she’d gotten hurt. Leslie heard footsteps coming up the stairs. She peeked through the crack of the door to see who it was. Aunt Jean was headed straight for her room. She backed up against the dresser. She expected her aunt to be angry and she expected her aunt to blame her for the fight. She waited for the “family” speech as Aunt Jean began by reminding her that family should stick together at all times. Leslie wondered if she’d told her kids that and if she did, they definitely wasn’t listening. Leslie just stared at her as she spoke. Her words really had no meaning she was just there because her precious babies got their behinds beat in the process. Leslie wanted nothing more than for her mother to come get her. She knew if her mother was there Aunt Jean wouldn’t be as sassy as she is now. She didn’t care about any of these speeches she was hearing, she didn’t care about trying to be family and she surely didn’t care about going to school here. She just wanted to go home to wherever home may be. That night Leslie laid in bed enjoying the silence. The only sound was the buzzing of the street lights. The telephone rang and Grandmama shuffled from her bedroom to the den to answer the call. Leslie listened cautiously hoping it was her mother. She cracked open her bedroom door to listen closer, but the conversation was purposely spoken in a low tone. Perhaps Grandmama thought she was sleeping and didn’t want to wake her. No matter how Leslie positioned her body the pain was a reminder of earlier affairs. Tears rolled down her face. She cried herself to sleep missing the presence of her mother.

THE BONESHAKERS

Vanessa sat at the kitchen table and glanced at her wedding ring. The band was beginning to fade and the diamond didn’t shine any more. Aaron was running about the house occupying himself with all his sister’s toys. He knew to put them all back in place when he was done. Since Kennedy was gone and the only family car was sitting in the driveway it was nice to be able to drive instead of walking. Vanessa suddenly became nauseated and pulled over to the curb to relieve herself. She’d missed her cycle again, but hoped and prayed that it was just late. If you’d asked her a year ago she would have been elated to have another baby, but she don’t think her relationship was strong enough to survive another child right now. She dropped Aaron off by Valerie’s where Tasha was playing with the other children and made a quick run to the job center to check their job listing. Something caught her eye. The Boneshakers Club was looking for Identification Checkers. She applied for the position as well as the one at the PX for stockroom clerk and at the Commissary for Cashier. A week later she was entering the front door of the club professionally dressed with a resume in her hand. She was greeted by an older gentleman with rough hands and a cigar hanging out the side of his mouth. Good morning he said with a crooked smile not to disturb the cigar; my name is Mr. Lowe. Upon her previous s with Mr. Lowe she knows that he don’t smile very often. He is very business projected and on constant awareness of all activities inside, outside and surrounding the club vicinities. Every participant has or will meet the acquaintances of Mr. Lowe for one reason or another; either to receive a hip, renew a hip or revoke a hip. He reminded her of a black Santa Clause; jolly spirited, rounded belly and well maintained beard. Mr. Lowe led her into a room and set her up in front of a computer where she was instructed to answer a series of questions that tested memory and cognitive skills. She was given a set of Identification Cards and a group of faces in which to match one to the other. Then she was given another set of driver’s licenses and had to distinguish which was fake or which person was underage for drinking. After these series of tests she was introduced to Mr. Delmarks, the Club Manager. Mr. Delmarks spoke to her about the importance of paying attention and not getting distracted by the drama that arises at the entrance. Mr. Lowe

interrupted to assure her that that was his purpose and he was never far from the entrance. He called himself the Alka-Seltzer of drama. He reminded her that this is a very important position for the safety of patrons as well as employees. He continued to overtake the conversation by announcing that it would also be her job to keep count of everyone that enters and exits the facility, secure the door in the case of an emergency, know what to do if a fight breaks out, receive and exchange money for the door charge and alert security of any unusual activities. This seemed like a lot of responsibility for an ID checker, but never-the-less, she gladly accepted the position. Vanessa left the interview confident that this was the position for her. Not only did she not want to get into a job where she came home every day feeling like just one of the attachments, she wanted this position because it made her feel like she was actually needed and it gave her a sense of importance to the business itself. Tasha was chosen as a solo performer to sing the Star Spangled Banner for the opening of the new school year meeting in the auditorium. This session is held every year as the Principal introduce the rules and regulations to new students. She has been practicing everyday loud enough for the Martians to hear her up in space. Once Aaron learned the words he assisted by ing in. Tasha sang that song so much that all Valerie’s children and Lydia’s babysitting kids became a chorus. The telephone rang at six o’clock. This was a normal Thursday morning wakeup call from Korea. Tasha ran out the room excited to talk with her daddy. As soon as Vanessa handed her the receiver she began singing; when she was done she shoved the phone back into her mom’s hands and ran back into the bedroom to get her brother. The conversations between Vanessa and Kennedy weren’t long. After they’d confirmed that everyone was well and Aaron spoke with Kennedy they said their good-byes and hung up. Kennedy sounded a bit more cheerful lately. Perhaps the separation was necessary to give them both a break from each other. Vanessa felt guilty because this was another chance that she did not tell Kennedy about the possible pregnancy. She felt uneasy about the conversation and where their relationship stood, besides she hadn’t decided whether she was going to keep it or not. Tasha stood before the assembly class in a red blouse, blue skirt and white patent-leather shoes and sang the Star Spangled Banner as if she was g for and American Idol performance. Vanessa was ever so proud of her but most of

all she was grateful to have heard her sing that song for the final time. The ceremony was long and boring, but most of the children remained awake in anticipation of the closing song by Landon Jackson. They all stood proudly holding hands and bellowing the words to we are the world. Vanessa continued the celebration by treating them out for dinner and a movie. After another month of no cycle Vanessa decided to go to the clinic. Sure enough, the tests came back positive. The nurse advised her to make an appointment with the OB-GYN as soon as possible. The whole thought of starting over again was making her nauseous, but more so how was she going to give this news to Kennedy. When she returned home there was a message on the answering machine from Danielle. She and Leslie are settled in Hawaii and doing fine. She talks about how beautiful the weather and how expensive it is to live there. She told Vanessa to tell Lydia and Valerie hello and said she’ll call again when she gets time. Vanessa wished she had left a call back number. Vanessa wanted someone to talk to; she really needed some advice, besides since Lydia had a new group of friends she also had a new attitude adjustment towards Vanessa. Vanessa picked up the telephone to call her sister Lisa just because she felt like talking to someone. Lisa was four years younger than Vanessa and they didn’t have as close a relationship as Vanessa wished because of the separation when they were children. Vanessa was sometimes reluctantly to confide in Lisa, but she does when she has no one else to talk to. Although she called Lisa she quickly changed her mind about telling her true feelings and spoke as if she and Kennedy were inseparably in love and they were expecting their third child. There was no reason to tell anyone else because if Lisa knows everyone knows. Saturday nights out with the ladies has faded into work nights at the club. Vanessa arrived a half-hour early to set up her station before the madness erupted. Mr. Lowe brought her a money drawer, counted it out and then insisted that she recount to confirm the amount. He held up a stack of ones and told her to put it underneath the ones in the drawer. This is in case you need change for large bills, he explained. This is military payday and you can expect things to get a bit wild so keep your eyes moving and stay alert he advised. The parking lot began to fill up rather quickly as young energy popped through the door swaying and bopping with the beat. Some were the regular faces that

she’d become familiar with but many were first timers requesting hips. Carlton came in with several boys from his company. He was rather free-spirited and seemed to be somewhat careless at times with his behavior. Across the room the bar tender was mixing concoctions, the D.J. was spinning records and the kitchen had just pulled up the roll-up door to show that they were opened for business. Being back in the work force reminded Vanessa that even though she plays the role of mother and wife, she is still an individual who still has dreams and ambitions of her own to pursue. She is now reassured that there is value and purpose to her life and it is her job to pursue it. She was happier than she’d been in many years even though she wasn’t making much money. It was just the idea of being amongst people that seemed to be enjoying the hell out of life. Lydia came through the door with another friend she’d met along the way. She introduced the ladies to Vanessa and moved on into the club taking a seat at a table next to the bar. Once Valerie and Dustin received orders to relocate, the idea of girl’s night out became nothing more than a memory. Of course they all vowed to stay in touch, but just as easily as the promise it was also forgotten. Vanessa opened the pages of the phone book and scanned the yellow pages for a Woman’s Health Clinic. I can’t do this right now, she mumbled to herself. I can’t have another baby. I have to take care of this as soon as possible. She took a deep breath and dialed the number. The clinic was only a ten-minute ride from the house and the lady on the other end convinced her to come in today so they could talk about her decision. Vanessa sat for a long while contemplating the move that she was about to make and trying to build up the courage to do what she had convinced herself was the right thing to do. A block before reaching the Woman’s Health Clinic Vanessa sat at the red light and watched all the protesters pacing back and forth in front of the building. One sign read Life not Death and another visualized the picture of a baby in the womb. A woman was chanting something about give life and pointing to the ing cars. Vanessa expected to have to face these protesters and she wasn’t afraid to through, however the queasiness and nausea that was stirring deep within her gut was causing her to have a change of mind. She parked at the shopping center across the street and watched the building as young women

entered and exited. Some were alone and others accompanied by friendly . The radio played softly and she tried to lose concentration as she hummed along. Not knowing exactly what to expect she thought, this is stupid, let me just go do what I have to do. She cranked the car and shifted into gear. The lobby was mostly filled with young women. Many of them seemed to not care about their purpose for being there while others seemed to be in mere agony. Vanessa wasn’t sure which role she was supposed to play because the only one who knew her purpose was her and God. She placed her name on the waiting list and sat near the window. There were dark curtains that hid the inside from the outside world and preventing the protesters from disturbing the process. A young woman in nursing scrubs called her name and motioned for her to follow her into a small office set off in the corner of the room. The woman assured Vanessa that everything done would be kept personal and confidential. As Vanessa spoke the woman wrote. Several times and in different forms of questioning she wanted Vanessa to understand that the decision that she make will be permanent and once the process is complete there’s no turning it around. Vanessa understood that even before she picked up the yellow pages to research the clinic. Before Vanessa exited the office she had a hand full of pamphlets and informational guides to assure her understanding about the medical facility as well as the procedure. Later that evening Vanessa sat in front of the television with the pamphlets on her lap. She glanced at them several times but was reluctant to read them thoroughly. Suddenly she felt a weird movement. She placed her hand on her stomach and witnessed the wave. There was nothing more to think about as she rose from the chair and walked into the kitchen dropping the papers into the trash bin. It was the end of the evening and Vanessa was coming upon her fourth month on the job. Mr. Lowe stepped into the office as she was counting her money drawer for the evening. Although he closed the door behind him Vanessa wasn’t bothered by his actions because by now she knows that Mr. Lowe is all about business. This could be a dangerous environment for a pregnant woman he spoke in a matter-of-fact tone of voice as he looked at her above the rims of his glasses. Vanessa looked up at him and squinted her eyes realizing that he waited to capture her reaction to his comment. She then put her head down again and continued to count. She had totally lost her placing and need to begin again, but

she wasn’t going to let him get the joy of knowing that he’d distracted her. She felt ashamed as if she had betrayed his trust in her by not confiding in him and she was also disappointed at the idea that she soon will have to quit and go back to the life of wife and mother. She kept her head down long enough to collect her thoughts so she could bring it up with a straight face and a smile. She wanted him to understand that kiss my assets were her first thought, instead she just stared at Mr. Lowe with one hand on her hips and her head cocked to the side. She knows he’s just looking out for her well-being, but she didn’t find it necessary to confess to him. She wished this pregnancy to be as happy an occasion as the other two, but it was happening at such an inconvenient time in her life. Without another word Mr. Lowe reached behind him, opened the door and walked out. He’d gotten the confirmation that he was looking for. It was four thirty in the morning when Vanessa reached home. She stood in front of the mirror and observed herself. She turned from side to side taking a close look at her fading figure. She didn’t look pregnant except for a small bump in the belly area. She could still snap up her jeans even though they felt a bit snug. Her top hung long enough to cover it all and it was baggy enough to fall freely. What made Mr. Lowe approach her in such a manner? After a few hours of sleep Vanessa woke with an endless amount of energy. It was Saturday and the kids hadn’t waken yet. This is the time to catch up on things she had slacked up on. She thought about rearranging the house and cleaning behind furniture just to get the dust bunnies out of the corners. The kitchen floor needed a good waxing and it was time to wash all the comforters and throw rugs. She thought about how strenuous all this would be for a pregnant woman. She touched her belly and rubbed lightly. Perhaps this will settle the uncertainty of the pregnancy and she wouldn’t have to carry the guilt of losing it. Every now and then she thought about Kennedy and the smooth ripples of his chest and the tightness of his behind. She thought about all her dreams of the future and how each one included Kennedy. She knew in her heart she loved this man completely and couldn’t imagine life without him. The telephone rang. Vanessa happily jogged to the base and lifted up the receiver. Hello.

Good Morning, how are you? It was Mr. Lowe. Vanessa automatically began to convict herself that she was fired. She put her hands on her belly and rubbed lightly. Good Morning she replied with a sarcastic tone of voice. Do you have time to come in to speak with me? He asked. Sure, I can be there after one. What are you doing now? He insisted. Why? Do you need me now? She asked Can you come now? I’ll come. Do I need to bring anything with me? She asked in curiosity of what the urgency was and wondered if she needed to turn in her badge. If you’re not doing anything now I would like for you to come in now, he said before hanging up the telephone. When she arrived the parking lot was empty except for three cars, Mr. Lowe’s, Mr. Thomas the janitor and Mr. Delmarks. She walked directly into the office where Mr. Lowe and Mr. Delmarks was laughing loudly over a cup of morning coffee. Mr. Lowe offered her to sit behind the desk. How does that feel? He asked. Vanessa looked confused as she shrugged her shoulders and replied, fine. Good, he continued. I’ve taken a second look at your resume and realize that you type sixty five words a minute. Mr. Delmarks here, he said looking in his direction, needs a secretary and it has been approved by the main office to fill that chair. I happen to like the way you work, you have shown me that you’re dependable, smart, a quick thinker and I believe you can handle this position if you want it. Vanessa’s mood changed now that the mystery was over. She smiled in acceptance of the position before asking about the pay or the hours. This is a full-time Monday through Sunday position, he continued. Your main hours will be from eight in the morning to five in the evenings, but you can be called to work at any time. You will handle the payroll, key control, money box control, Fire inspections, employee leave requests and a whole lot more. You will be sharing this office with Mr. Delmarks and will be expected to make decisions upon his absence. This position holds a lot of responsibility, but I will help train you along the way. For the first time she saw a sense of comion that she never would have thought was alive inside of Mr. Lowe. When Vanessa stood up to leave she reached out to shake Mr. Lowe’s hand and he did not reach back;

instead he handed her a business card with the address of the main office on it and told her to go see a Mrs. Gonzalez and instructed her to come back when she was done. Mrs. Gonzalez gave Vanessa an application, a typing test and replaced her badge to read SECRETARY. Vanessa was happy that she wouldn’t have to quit and go back to the boring life of military wife. Within the next few months she learned the operation of the office from the policies and procedures to the State and Federal laws. She understood all the underlying activities and why the club was regulated the way it was. She held the keys to the other four clubs on base, performed surprise cash counts even at two in the morning, made cash deposits to the bank and approved or disapproved entertainment requests. The phone rang on Thursday at six o’clock in the morning as usual. Kennedy informed Vanessa that he was coming home for his mid tour visit. Vanessa thought hard at what he was saying and decided that there was not more time to try and figure out how to break the news to him. He needed to know what was about to manifest. At first Kennedy was quiet. The news caught him by surprise and added to the secret that he was holding. Vanessa wasn’t sure what to expect from him, she waited for him to ask the question; whose is it? It would only be fair to expect him to ask that question since she took so long to tell him. How far along are you he asked? About six months, she replied. I haven’t gone to the doctor yet, but I have an appointment next week. Kennedy became quiet again. This time when he spoke all he said was o.k. and the other end of the line went dead. Mr. Lowe already knew of Vanessa’s appointment and took over responsibilities while she handled what she needed to handle. She went through the normal exam and listened to the doctor scold her for waiting so long, but after watching the little body squirm on the screen of the monitor as the doctor rolled the x-ray monitor across her belly Vanessa knew she was about to be a mom again. Wednesdays were mid-week social hours from six to nine. The place wasn’t as crowded as it gets on the weekend, yet crowded enough to make a good amount of money. The DJ kept the beat alive from five thirty to nine and was out the door with his equipment at nine-o-five. Vanessa put in a lot of extended hours at the club making sure everything was in place and ready for business on Fridays. That night Vanessa tossed and turned for hours trying to fall asleep. A week had

already ed since she broke the news to Kennedy. She thought he would have called back by now so they could talk about it. There’s no way it’s taking this long for him to absorb what she had said. She found herself checking the clock continuously wishing the phone would ring. The telephone never rang even at six in the morning. Vanessa expected Kennedy to be angry and confused, but she also knew that he would have come around eventually. She looked down at her protruding belly. She suspected that he’d need advice from one of his sisters. There weren’t very many conversations within their marriage that his sisters didn’t get involved in. Kennedy considered their advice before hers. It was rare that he’d make a decision of his own. The thought of never hearing from him again ed through her mind. She thought about how she would have to leave military housing, relocate the kids to the other end of the United States and begin her life again with three children to raise all alone. Where would she begin with a newborn and no job? Kennedy would probably fight her for the custody of the other two children, not that he wants to raise them, but simply to piss her off. Vanessa began speaking to herself in the mirror, you know, she said, you’re jumping to conclusions. Then she began brushing her hair and preparing for work. The door clicked at about four twenty in the morning waking Vanessa to a startle. She grabbed the baseball bat that sat behind the bedroom door. The living room light came on and someone was moving about the house in a slow pace. She reached for her cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. She threw the phone on the bed without answering the operator afraid that the intruder would hear her. She blinked several times to get the blurry vision from her eyes as she waited quietly behind the wall for a figure to appear. A tall man in military kakis walked past the lighted foyer and disappeared in an area near the dining room. Her heart jumped and began a rapid rhythm as she slid out of the room and towards the bathroom where she could get a closer look. The person didn’t seem to be looking for anything in particular. He wasn’t going through any of her things or grabbing items from the television stand. Instead he was just standing in the center of the room looking around with his hands in his pockets. His back was towards her but something about the way he moved was familiar. She crept closer holding the baseball bat over her right shoulder so tight that it began to hurt her hand. When he turned to face her she got weak in the knees. She didn’t want him to know that she had a weapon that way she could catch him by surprise. When Kennedy heard her footsteps sticking to the floor he turned and looked in her direction. He wasn’t smiling at all. Vanessa felt the baby squirming inside her stomach. Her nerves were still running awry. Her legs were still weak

and she felt lightheaded. Although she was glad to see him she wanted to yell at him, kick him and shake him violently. Kennedy sat in the arm chair and stared at her protruding belly as if he was totally disgusted. Let me clear the air she said, it’s yours. She then turned and walked back into the bedroom to place the bat back in its place. She didn’t care if he believed her or not. It was too early in the morning for him to come walking in trying to place her on a guilt trip for whatever was in his crazy little head. By now she was used to catching the blame for whatever didn’t go right in his life. So what she didn’t get pregnant at a time that was convenient for him, neither did she get pregnant at a time that was convenient for her. Kennedy didn’t answer her he just sat there looking her up and down with curled lips. Vanessa studied him a little closer. He not only looked different, he carried a different spirit and a different personality. He didn’t have that glow to his skin that she loved to see. He was serene. She wasn’t sure if something was wrong or if he was just being a jerk. Maybe this was part of that PTSD thing people keeps talking about that happens when soldiers come from a war zone. She decided that it might be best to ignore him in hopes that he’ll come around eventually. She wasn’t about to entertain the drama simply because she didn’t know how. This was too much to deal with so early in the morning. To avoid the whole situation Vanessa took a shower, got dressed and headed for the Boomerang Room. No one was there but the janitor. Vanessa unlocked the office and began straightening out the paperwork from last night’s business. When Mr. Lowe arrived the calculator was tapping and spitting out long sheets of little papers. Vanessa was comparing the amounts to the end of shift paperwork. There were already completed piles ready for Mr. Delmark’s signature. Mr. Lowe was a very smart man and an expert at reading personas. The cigar sat unlit in the corner of his mouth as he ed the desk and unlocked the safe. He handled each drawer one by one and compared them to the stapled papers. Then he prepared retrieved the copy of the money drop and compared them to the paperwork also. Vanessa was always nervous that something wouldn’t add up, but it did and she was happy about that. Mr. Lowe asked, what time did you come in this morning? Vanessa smiled and replied, don’t worry about it just put my regular time on the timesheet. That doesn’t answer my question he insisted. Vanessa smiled and pretended to continue working. Mr. Lowe was never a man that pushed an issue so he closed up the safe and dropped all the paperwork on the boss’s desk and went to do something else. The vibration of her cell phone made a weird sound against the metal desk. Vanessa reached into her purse and retrieved it. The caller I.D. was from home. Kennedy needed her to his presence in the house to the police. Vanessa

had totally forgotten that she’d called 9-1-1 earlier. Amazing, she thought, it took them this long to trace the call. If I’d really needed them I’d be dead by now. Although Vanessa was at work she had no concentration for the job. The abnormity of Kennedy’s behavior was on her mind. She’s seen him avoid difficult situations before, but this seems to be something weighing heavy on his mind and something that he doesn’t care to discuss even with his sisters. But Vanessa needed answers. She realized that whatever Kennedy was going through could affect the entire family and she needed to know what that was. She thought about how she should approach the conversation? Should she be bold and demand Kennedy to open up to her or should she ease her way in? Her grandmother’s voice rang in her ear saying baby you could catch more bees with honey than with salt. Vanessa respected her grandmother’s teachings, but this was not a situation to step into sweetly. Vanessa realizes that this is a tedious conversation and she could lose him for sure if she doesn’t approach the subject with caution. On second thought Kennedy is a grown man. There’s no need to pacify him. I did not fall in love with a wimp she spoke softly to herself. The more she talked with herself the more she convinced herself that she will have an answer before she goes to bed. Vanessa called Kennedy on his cell phone to remind him to pick her up at five o’clock. Kennedy pulled into the parking lot at five fifteen. Vanessa was the only one standing in front of the building because she had turned down rides assuring everyone that her husband was coming to get her. This did not anger Vanessa it just gave her grounds to being the conversation with Kennedy. Vanessa had to adjust her attitude to face this fight she was about to begin. I thought I told you that I get off at five, she began. Kennedy looked at her and rolled his eyes. Don’t start he demanded. His eyes fell down towards her midsection. He felt that he was tricked into having another child. Vanessa caught glimpse of him looking at her. There’s nothing you could do about this baby, she explained. He’s coming whether you want him or not. Him? Kennedy exclaimed. Yes, Him, she replied. Well “him” is not the problem Kennedy went on to explain. Well, what is the problem? Vanessa asked. The problem is the fact that you wasn’t pregnant before I left. I didn’t know I was pregnant before you left Vanessa shot back. But if you want to know if it’s yours we can have a DNA test done as soon as he is born. As a matter of fact I’ll pre-order it. Kennedy kept his eyes on the road. He wasn’t much interested in the conversation. Vanessa already realized that he was trying to keep the focus on the pregnancy to avoid what’s really going on with him. Before Vanessa exited the car she looked Kennedy directly in the eyes and said, tell me honestly, is there someone else in your life? Because I know I haven’t

done anything to get this treatment from you. Let me know now so we can get rid of these bullshit attitudes and move on; me and the kids will be fine without you if that’s what you want. I’m not afraid to move on. Kennedy remained in the driver’s seat as Vanessa got out of the car and slammed the door behind her. He hung his head low thinking about the fact that he could possibly be facing a discharge from the military. Even though he knew that his First Sergeant was wrong he also knew that he could have walked away at any time, but greed, lust and the idea that he’d never had two women wanting his attention at the same time kept him stimulated and the temptation was too strong to let go. But Toya was now complete. She’d spent years trying to conceive. The idea that she was in her final trimester was more important right now than Kennedy or Vanessa. Kennedy was the one holding on to the guilt of the relationship. Toya had long tossed him from her mind. It was nobody’s business who her baby daddy was and she had planned to leave it just as that. Vanessa worked at the club until Mr. Lowe forced her to submit her maternity leave paperwork. A month later Leon entered the world weighing six pounds and three ounces. The only ones in the delivery room except for Vanessa were the doctor and a couple of nurses. When the baby was placed in her arms Vanessa looked down into his little face and thought there was no way Kennedy could deny this child. A few hours later she was resting in her room when a woman entered. The woman was wearing street clothes which let Vanessa know that she was not medical personnel. She stood at the foot of the bed and smiled at Vanessa as if they were old friends. Vanessa returned the greeting with a hello. The woman seemed to be thinking how to choose her words carefully before speaking. Vanessa waited earnestly for what this stranger came to tell her. Are you Vanessa Landway the lady asked? Vanessa sat up in bed and stared at her for a moment then she asked, who wants to know? The lady continued, well, that’s what the name tag reads on your door. I saw your little boy and he is beautiful. He looks just like his little brother born just last week. Excuse me? Vanessa replied sitting up straight against the pillow. What the hell are you talking about Vanessa continued. The lady chuckled and said I take it that you don’t know about Kennedy Landway Jr.? What? Vanessa spilled. The lady raised both hands in the air and said, hey I’m just the messenger, but you really need to talk to your husband and she walked out of the room. When Vanessa went out to the hallway to see which direction the lady was headed there was no sight of her anywhere. Vanessa felt a sharp pain in her head. A serious headache had quickly developed.

She didn’t know if she should believe this or not. She had no idea who this stranger was bearing this news, but she was suddenly anxious to speak with Kennedy. She really had no intentions of putting Junior behind her baby’s name, but the audacity of someone else using the name was totally disrespectful. Why would this stranger come with this information if it were not true? Is this why Kennedy was so cold to the news of her pregnancy? The later it got in the evening the more Vanessa thought about the mystery lady and the use of the name Junior. She thought about Kennedy’s strange behaviors before he went to Korea and upon his six month visit and wondered if this was the secret that was stressing him so much. She began to count calendar months and days. If the baby were born just last week that was the nights that Kennedy were called into the late night meetings with his First Sergeant. O.K. now we’re putting two and two together she thought, now what was that Commander’s name? Vanessa thought and thought, but could not what the name was. She couldn’t even bring a face into focus. She getting angry about the situation and arguing with Kennedy about the situation, but Vanessa realized that Kennedy was smart enough to hide this information from her. Did Kennedy really take a mid-tour vacation to check on her, Tasha and Aaron or was it to greet the birth of a love child? How dare he disrespect her in this manner! Vanessa fell asleep thinking about the mystery woman. Vanessa woke up the next morning feeling betrayed and wondering how many other people knows about this other child her husband possibly had with some other woman. She feels as if the whole world is laughing at her. How stupid is she that this could get this far and she not know anything about it. Someone obviously was keeping up with her to find her in the hospital the day she gave birth to her own child. Vanessa dropped her head in shame wondering how humiliated she’s feeling at the mere thought of the whole thing. She alerted the nurse to feed the baby in the nursery because the headache was not ea. The nurse entered with the blood pressure monitor and retrieved her vital signs. It wasn’t until then that Vanessa noticed the large bouquet of flowers sitting on the window sill. Vanessa brought her eyes into focus and wondered when those were placed there. A card was sticking out the side of the flowers. Vanessa snatched at the card hard enough to uproot one of the stems. Congratulations were written in large bold letters. As Vanessa opened the envelope she read the name Carlton. She’d forgotten about him; as a matter of fact she thought he may have relocated by now. Vanessa has always thought of herself as a private person. She had a few friends within her life time, but she wasn’t one to

broadcast drama, so the attention was not amusing her right now. Lydia entered the room followed by Tasha and Aaron. We went to the nursery and we saw the baby Tasha announced jumping upon the bed. Vanessa smiled at the excited child. Aaron was smiling broadly as he reached up to hug his mother. He’s so small Aaron added to the conversation. Yes, he is Vanessa agreed. You are now the big brother! Who’s the flowers from? Lydia asked. They were there when I woke up. I have no idea who left them Vanessa replied. Lydia sat in the chair near the window allowing the children time with their mother. Can the baby come in here Tasha asked? Sure, Vanessa replied and pressed the button on the end table to ask the nurse to bring the baby from the nursery. A few minutes later the baby was rolled into the room in the hospital cradle. He was sleeping quietly. What’s his name? Tasha asked. Leon, Vanessa replied. Isn’t that Grandpa’s name? Aaron asked. Yes, Vanessa replied. He was named after his grandfather. Who was I named after? Aaron questioned. No one, Vanessa replied, I gave you your own special name. Aaron laughed. Vanessa was released from the hospital three days later. Leon had taken his first vaccination and was cleared for release also. Vanessa was stirred by the movement of her new baby. She looked down at him and picked him up into her arms. Leon was almost the spitting image of Kennedy except for his thin lips and short stubby toes which is a feature that all her children inherited. What a way to begin your life she said as the baby squirmed in her arms. Tasha and Aaron ran into the room when they heard their mother moving around. Tasha looked down upon her new little brother and smiled. This is our baby right mommy she said with a smile. Vanessa wasn’t sure what she meant by that statement, but she smiled back and agreed. Aaron was already standing by with a new diaper in his hand. He smiled up at his sister as they prepared to help with the new baby. The driveway was covered with snow and the wind was whistling through the housing complex. Vanessa was snapping pictures of the children beneath the Christmas tree when the doorbell sounded. The mailman had a large box wrapped in brown paper sitting by his feet. Vanessa signed the clipboard and handed it back to the driver then dragged the rather heavy box into the house for inspection. Kennedy’s mother had sent Christmas presents for Tasha and Aaron. Vanessa was rather surprised by the gesture since she’s never acknowledged their presence before. Then she took a closer look at the return address.

Something inside of her made her think this package wasn’t from his mother. She went to her room and began rummaging through old papers. She found the wedding card from his mother and compared the handwriting and just like she suspected, the handwriting was not compatible. Had the children not been aware of this package, she thought, I’d send it back. Another underhanded deed of one of his sisters; they just don’t give up. Kennedy is due to return in another month. His tour in Korea should be completed. Vanessa hasn’t heard from him since mid-tour visit six months ago. He didn’t call to see if she’d had the baby or what the sex was. She stopped allowing herself to be upset with his attitude. She’s all cried out and really doesn’t care anymore although she was saddened at the fact that her love for him was dwindling, but life goes on. Vanessa hadn’t prepared a large Christmas meal. The usual Ham, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, string beans, potato salad and sweet potato pie and chocolate coconut cake was laid on the counter. The house was nicely decorated with greenery and candles shining along with blinking lights on the Christmas tree. The children were excited about opening presents and Vanessa was excited about having another excuse to call home. It seems that since she left home to travel with her husband there’s coldness even in conversation with her family that made her feel like a stranger. She feels as if she stepped out of the family or she lost her place as a member. She could not logically explain her feelings on this issue all she knows is that things are so different and when she desire the familiarity, it’s just not there. It was late in the afternoon when she heard a car roaring in to the driveway. She glared out the window at the strange vehicle as Kennedy began pulling his duffle bag from the trunk. Her heart skipped a beat and her nerves became jittery. She had thought about the moment that she would become face to face with him again and imagined the anger in their conversation, but she wasn’t ready for this moment right now. Tasha and Aaron was still occupied with their new toys and Leon lay sleeping in the crib. The sound of Kennedy’s keys in the door almost made her drop the plate of food she was holding. Kennedy was in an unbelievably happy mood as he dropped his duffle bag behind the door and greeted her with a big hug. She was confused. His touch made her feel dirty and uncomfortable. Should she return the greeting or push him away? Alright, Alright Kennedy whispered in her ear, I know we have a lot to talk about but let’s get through this evening and I promise you we will have our time. Without

giving her time to reply Kennedy popped into the living room to announce his presence to Tasha and Aaron. Merry Christmas man he said grabbing Aaron into his arms. Tasha jumped onto his lap and hugged him tightly. Did you miss me? He asked teasingly kissing and tickling them. He handed them the presents he had brought and reached into his pocket and handed Vanessa a small box. Once the children was satisfied he focused his attention back to Vanessa. It looks like I got here just in time for the main meal he teased as she placed plates on the table. I’m going to take a quick shower, I’ll be right back don’t start without me he announced on his way down the hallway. Vanessa’s attention was drawn towards Kennedy as he returned holding Leon in his arms. Meeting him toe to toe was enough to stop him in his steps as she looked him directly in the eyes. Instead of a smile Kennedy looked into squinted angry eyes as she slowly handed him the warm bottle. Kennedy has dealt with Vanessa long enough to understand all the body languages she was offering and he knew that she was not at all amused with his actions. Pretending to be the good wife and good mother in front of the other children took some strong meditation as she took her seat at the head of the supper table and began to bless the meal. Dear Lord, we thank you for this meal that we are about to consume. We thank you for each and every person gathered around the table and ask that you continue to bless us in health and strength. Lord, I thank you for returning my husband home to us. Lord, you said what you put together may no man tear apart and I ask that this meal be the arrangement that bonds us as a family. I ask that you guard my tongue, guard my mind and guard my thoughts. This we ask in Jesus name. Amen. Regardless to how Kennedy tried to cover his emotions his nerves were frazzled with anticipation of how he was going to even begin the conversation. He had a lot of explaining to do. Dinner has come to an end and Vanessa was preparing the kitchen for cleaning. Get your bags out of the kitchen, Vanessa instructed. Her words were cold and direct. She had no intention of cutting him any slack. Kennedy realize that explaining was the easy part; reconciliation was a whole new story. This is the opportunity that Vanessa had been waiting for, the moment when she could take advantage of free speech. She had every intention of releasing all the anger she’d been holding inside for so long, things that she wouldn’t dare to speak about in fear of losing him. Kennedy needs to understand that she and only she will be the woman in his life now and forevermore. If she lets this

opportunity slip through her fingers there may never be another chance to be this bold without fear. No other woman including his sisters will ever come before her again. Vanessa also realized that once again the ultimatum was on her, but she’s leaving no choices here. Kennedy can either accept what she going to tell him or they can go their separate ways. Once the kitchen was cleaned, the kids were bathed and in bed Vanessa walked into the living room and stood in front of the television just long enough to get his attention. Kennedy focused his attention upon her as she removed the dishes from the drain board and placed them into the cabinet. He wanted to walk up behind her and lovingly put his arms around her small waist. She could feel the burn in her back and knew he was watching her from behind. The sense of thinking he would walk up on her made her quickly spin around to face him. Don’t even come up in here acting like everything is fine, she began. Where’s your other family? Why the hell didn’t you go ruin their Christmas with your bullshit? Kennedy took a deep breath and exhaled rather loudly. Here we go he replied. Have you forgotten who’s paying the rent up in here? Up in here? Vanessa remarked. From what I understand you’ve been playing everywhere but up in here. Who’s this other baby I’ve been hearing about? She said grabbing an ornament from the top of the television and throwing it directly at his head. The ornament bounced off the arm he used to block the object and fell to the floor. Vanessa was ready with another item as Kennedy rose from the chair in defense, but Vanessa was now too close. She pushed him back down towards the seat causing him to fall off balance onto the floor as she stood over him demanding an answer. With one hand behind her back Kennedy wondered what she was brandishing. He quickly grabbed her left arm and her shirt in the middle of the chest and snatched her on to his lap. She was now too close for comfort as he crossed his legs atop her putting her at his will knowing that she was not strong enough to break the grip he had on her. I could rip your head off right now he threatened. Once he opened her hand and released the knife he held her on the floor and got up. Look, he said pointing down at her. Either we’re going to discuss this as adults or we’re not going to discuss this at all. First of all, he continued that child is not mine. I don’t know where you got your information, but you better understand that I’m not Mary. You had better have your facts in order before you pull another knife on me because I promise, the next time you pull a knife on me will be your last. Vanessa was unsure of what her next move was going to be as she was frozen by the cold eyes that she had never seen

portrayed by the man she knows she is still deeply in love with. Is that a threat Vanessa asked, because I have a whole lot more than a knife she threatened pulling the baseball bat from the side of the sofa as she jumped up from the floor. Kennedy came close enough to her to have his chest touching hers as he looked deep into her eyes and dared her to make another move. You are just too stupid to know when enough is enough, Kennedy declared; it’s not going to be like this. On his way out the door he dropped the knife in the kitchen sink and snatched the car keys off the hook. Vanessa knew at that moment that she’d gone too far. She had no intentions of causing physical harm, but months of built up anger and unanswered questions took control of emotions. Nothing was accomplished and nothing was settled. She didn’t know any more now than she knew hours ago when he walked through the door. Kennedy sat at the red light on Main Street thinking about what had just happened. He felt the pain where the ornament scrapped the skin off. He expected her to be upset, but he hoped for the opportunity to sit down and explain to Vanessa all the details of his mistakes. He had months to meditate upon his approach to this situation. He didn’t expect her to accept his claims right away, but he was hoping that eventually he could make it up to her no matter how long it took. There’s really no explanation as to why things had to get to these drastic measures to make him realize that she was the love of his life and he had everything he needed at home. His only excuse was that he was a man and to his understanding men are expected to act in this manner and he was doing just that. This was the behaviors of his father and fore fathers. He wanted nothing more than to find a way to let her see that he was willing to make a change for the sake of keeping the family together. It definitely wasn’t going to be an easy task, but he has to come clean and beg for forgiveness. Never did he expect her to act the way she did. He didn’t even know that she knew about the other baby. It’s going to take some courage to even step foot in that house again. As Kennedy pulled up to the door of the hotel where he had planned to remain for the evening where he could rethink how he was going to rectify the situation. There was no way he was going to let her run him off like that. The lobby was nicely decorated with red and green garland. The lady standing behind the counter seemed to have an attitude of her own but Kennedy was in no mood to play games. May I help you, she replied in a matter of fact voice. I’m

going to keep my composure Kennedy thought as he answered, I need a room for one night. He then reached into his wallet and pulled out his military identification card and laid it upon the desk. She typed in the computer for a while and returned his card to him. That will be thirty seven fifty she replied. Kennedy paid her attitude no mind as he snatched the keys from her hand and headed for his room. I’m not even going to entertain her he whispered to himself. I got my own issues to think about. Perhaps a couple hours of sleep will clear his head. By the time his head hit the pillow he was sound asleep. What sounded like a cannon boom startled Kennedy awake. The star spangled banner was playing through the speakers and all cars had come to a halt at the intersection. All movements were stopped until the music ended and the color guards had lifted the flag to the top of the flagpole. Kennedy didn’t have to view his watch to know it was six o’clock. After checking out the hotel room Kennedy drove back to the house. Vanessa was up feeding Leon. Kennedy took a seat on the sofa on the opposite side of the living room. Neither one of them spoke a word to each other. O.K. Kennedy thought, if we’re going to play the silent game, we’re just going to have to live up in here in silence. The next few weeks didn’t change much of the tension in the air except Kennedy was now allowed the hold Leon without idle threats. Kennedy looked at his tiny hand wrapped around his finger and said Daddy’s sorry little fella. None of this is your fault. Daddy made a big mistake, but I’ll make it up to you I promise. He then kissed Leon on the forehead and laid him on his chest. Once Leon snuggled himself to sleep Vanessa picked him up and laid him in the crib. Kennedy studied his wife of ten years. She was just as curvy and beautiful now as she was before the children were born, but the sexual ion and his desire to be with her had died long ago. He no longer wears his wedding ring and the tan line that encircled his finger has faded. The only memory that he has of a ring in the memory in his head. He has been waiting for the moment when it could be just him and Vanessa so he could have a hearty conversation. Something had to change because the kids were beginning to notice the coldness between the two of them and he believed that it was beginning to affect his relationship with them. Monday morning was going to be just another day in the office after a heavy weekend of party animals and typical club entertainment. Vanessa had dropped the kids off at the sitter’s and was rushing against time to get to work when

Kennedy blocked her in the hallway. Either we’re going to talk or you’re not leaving this house, he announced. Are you kidnapping me? Vanessa asked. Call it what you want, he replied. I wanted to do this civilly, but I realized that it’s not going to work that way. I want to know right now what you’re planning to do. Are you staying or leaving because I’m not living like this he demanded. I didn’t disrespect you by sleeping around with other people and neither did I have a love child. Neither did I, Kennedy blurted. The child is not mine and if you had given me a chance to tell you that you would have known by now. Well, Vanessa threw back, if you hadn’t been near the fire you wouldn’t have gotten singed. If you weren’t in bed with her to begin with you wouldn’t have gotten blamed. Like I said, you were out there whoring around! Kennedy grabbed her by the shoulders and pressed her back against the wall. He looked down into her watery eyes. He wanted to hold her, and hug her and relax her, but all he could do was say, I’m sorry. I know I was wrong. I promise it will never happen again, but can we please become a family again. I will make it up to you. Please. Vanessa pushed him aside and walked out the door. When Vanessa returned home Kennedy wasn’t there. She stood in the middle of the Living room and made a visual inspection. Everything surrounding her belonged to Kennedy. The furniture, the car, the television, wall pictures and even the clothes she was wearing. She felt like a failure in her own life. She has spent so much time trying to help him build a career that her life was neglected. She was hurting from the inside out. Her dreams of a successful Social Worker had dwindled to a military wife. She felt used like a dirty rag. She lost her place in life. She lost her place in her family, she had no friends and most of all she had to find out from a total stranger that her husband was a whoremunger. Now every time she leaves the house she wonders who knows more about her marriage than she does. It seems that her life is now an open book and there is no privacy. Her life with Kennedy was nothing more than a total waste of eleven years. This could not be real. She lost everything she’d worked for including her dignity and she had no idea how to get it back. She wanted her husband back and she wanted her family together again, but right now she feels like a total fool. She doesn’t know if she could forgive him for all the mental abuse he allowed his sisters to bring into their marriage or the fact that she still doesn’t know his mother’s first name. She has no idea who this stranger is that lays next to her in bed. What makes him think he could walk in, ask for forgiveness and everything will go back to normal? Is she supposed to be that easy or desperate or is she supposed to be grateful just to say I have a man?

CHARMED

Two years of unemployment benefits were more than Vanessa had anticipated when The Boneshaker’s Club went out of business. Kennedy was now out of her life and her divorce papers now hung on the wall reflecting through the gold trimmed frame. She looked at it and felt the remnants of a broken spirit. In all honesty Vanessa wished things hadn’t turned out as they did. Deep inside her spirit she was missing Kennedy terribly. Just the thought of him brought tears to her eyes, but she knew if she were to ever consider reconciling the relationship it wouldn’t be the same. She could never give herself to him the way she once trusted him with her life and her soul. She wasn’t angry about the divorce because she felt that not only did she fulfill her duties as a wife, but she hung in there until there was nothing more to do but move on. Kennedy had disrespected her in a way that she would never forget. She made the decision to return to her own identity by omitting the Landway name and reclaiming her individuality as Vanessa Parker. She had no other choice but to make the best of the situation and adjust to the lifestyle that now exists. Before she married Kennedy she had promised herself that if she’d ever gotten out of New York she would never come back to the smog, crowds, extremely unnecessary noise or smell again. Her decision to move back was more out of desperation than choice. She rented a small apartment several blocks from where her mother lives ing herself and her children on the combining income of the unemployment check and the little child that Kennedy was sending. It seemed that all her ambitions had come to a halt but she knew that if she wanted to reclaim her life it was strictly up to her to do so. Her degree doesn’t seem to come in handy since the position she wanted to pursue required a Bachelor’s degree and she possesses an Associate’s. She realizes that she need to put the past behind and get back to school, but she first needed to settle down. She sat up on the side of the bed and tried to focus at the alarm clock across the room. Looking out of the corner window of the fifth floor walk-up she could see the top of the trains that sat parked in the maintenance yard. One of those trains was about to become her form of transportation.

Unsure if she was extremely tired or if lazy had kicked in she really had no energy to rush. Interviews always make her uneasy to the point where she feel as if she’s unsure of her skills even though the position she’s applying for is a task that she has done many times before. She’s just not in the mood for all the stupid questions people ask at interviews and expect an intelligent answer. They have a way of building your hopes then insulting your intelligence all within the same session. She’s always believed and trusted in the promise that God made when he said if he will feed the birds in the air, he will feed her too. She trying hard to stay positive and continue to praying until a breakthrough comes. She’s trusting that this is the one that will send her from the unemployment line to the desk with the piles of unfiled documents or the constantly ringing telephone of demanding clients She walked over to the mirror and glanced at herself. Years of unhappiness and stress was beginning to show in her natural appearance. The smile lines that once imprinted the corners of her lips have begun to fade. The white of her eyes were dull and the light that shone in them was no longer there. She turned to the side and looked at her physical appearance. Her stomach was no longer flat and her shoulders slumped. This is crazy she thought to herself. I have to get back to me. She stretched her shoulders upwards causing her chest to protrude. She knew that if she was ever to get back to herself the first thing she had to do is begin with re-gaining her mentality. That’s not going to happen until she get her confidence back. I am not about to let life beat me down she whispered. I am an intelligent beautiful woman. I can make this work, I know I can. I will find a way to let Kennedy realize that he didn’t destroy me the way he thought he could. I’m not the only single parent around here and by the grace of God me and my children will survive. The navy blue suit hung on the outside of the closet door and a beige blouse draped the door knob. The weather man was now declaring a temperature of ninety seven from the morning newsroom. It’s a shame sandals would not be appropriate because she’d surely like to wear them instead of pantyhose and pumps. Another glance at the clock let her know that she needed to pick up the pace. So she plugged in the hot curler and headed for the shower. It wasn’t long before she was standing on the platform waiting for a ride, tapping her feet and checking her watch as if it was the train’s fault that she was scrambling for time. Actually she was anxious to get on the train so she could rehearse answers to the

questions that she anticipated would be part of the interview. Each time she’d leave an interview she’d make note of the questions asked because by now she realized that the same questions will probably arise in another interview. A college degree will never prepare you for competition in selling yourself in these interview processes. When the train doors opened she stepped into the already crowded car and scanned the room for an open seat. There was one next to a woman with a screaming child. She didn’t have much time to hesitate if she wanted to get off these heels for the hour ride to Mid-town. She flashed the child a smile and squinted her eyes to let him know to cut the crap. He looked up at her with teary eyes and buried his face into his mother’s bosom peeking at her through sniffles. The woman’s blouse was now wrinkled and stained with wet spots. The child eventually fell asleep for the remainder of the trip. After walking several blocks she double-checked the address from the newspaper clipping and peered up at a building that seemed to end just before the airplane flying zone. It was set amidst several very close and connecting twin-like constructions that were obviously very well maintained. An older gentleman suited up in grey was assisting with limousine exits when she appeared. He tipped his hat towards her. She realized that he was nothing more than a glorified bellboy set to form the landmarks for that area. It all gave the sense of a wealthy state of living in Old New York. The smell of salt water coming from the Hudson River was making the already hot air hard to breathe. People scurried back and forth moving very quickly as if everything was of the upmost importance. Yellow taxis swerved in and out of traffic blowing their horns just to add to the noise pollution. As she entered the building she inhaled to sulk in some air condition and expand her lungs. She mumbled a silent prayer; Lord, please, I know it’s not often that I check in with you, but I know you see me and you know my needs. I’m asking once again that this job be for me. I’m thanking you in advance for this opportunity and I promise to check in with you more often. As she spoke those words she understood that she was making a pact with God; a pact that could not be broken? The receptionist desk sat directly in front of the entrance with an office to the left. The office door was opened and the room looked meticulous. Every book and every piece of paper seemed to have been carefully placed. The floor looked as if it had just been buffed. The name plate on the desk read JAY ADAMS but the body in the swivel chair was somewhere between LLCool J and El Debarge.

Vanessa was mesmerized for a moment by his flawless exterior as she studied him from head to toe. Beneath his suit jacket he wore a white spandex work out shirt that accented the curves in his chest all the way down to his waist. He was very confident in his appearance as he stood with both hands in his side pockets and the ends of his jacket draped inside his forearms which held his jacket open for the view. I don’t know who his designer is but it seemed like a very expensive hook-up she thought as she slowly caressed him with her eyes. His shoes were buffed to a shine and his pants fit proper enough to accent the curves of his penis that hung on the left of his thigh as if it were propped there for the ment. His jet black hair was cut just short enough to reveal his natural waves. Standing about five eleven he looked as if he could be mixed between Korean and black. As he spoke with the receptionist he removed his left hand to point to a paper lying in front of her on the desk. Vanessa wonder if he was really talking about anything significant or did he make that move to show off his left ring finger that lacked a wedding band and exhibited availability. A woman’s man no doubt she thought, nothing more than eye candy. I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole she whispered to herself. His moves were much too smooth as he pulled his right hand out of his pocket and ran his thumb and pointer finger around the edges of his thinly trimmed mustache and goatee to reveal his professionally manicured nails. He would be the perfect model for a Barbie and Ken commercial. Vanessa sat in the chair against the window and tried to focus on her interview questions but often became distracted by Mr. Adams’ motions as he pranced from one end of the room to the other as if it was his personal runway. Most of the people in the vestibule were female and every one of them had their eyes glued on him as if he was in a Broadway performance. It was obvious that he was enjoying the attention. Although Vanessa was amused with his conceit she couldn’t help but wonder how nice it must be to be that secure in yourself. Mr. Adams knew he had it going on from his Pierre Cardins to his Louie Vittons. Vanessa visually examined each occupant wondering if she had the one thing that this company needed that would make her more appealing than the rest. Examining her resume over and over again contemplating whether her experience overpowering her education level would only hold weight depending upon what was most important to the position from Mr. Adams’ point of view. After sitting for about an hour she found herself less interested in practicing the interview questions and more interested in Mr. Adam’s performance. How could she have just made a pact with God and as quick as the snap of a finger allow Satan to invite her to lust at this chocolate drop feigning for attention.

The room was practically empty when her name was called. Vanessa Parker follow me please a man wearing navy blue polyester slacks with a white golf shirt said as he disappeared behind the partition. Four people were seated behind a long table. Each one had small stack of papers before them. She waited for the invitation to sit in the one chair on the opposite side of the table right smack in the center. The lady on the far end began to speak. Good Morning she motioned as she extended her arm to shake her hand. My name is Ms. Thomas and this she pointed with and open hand is Mr. Daniels; next to him Mr. Alexander and Ms. Goodman. We will be asking you a series of questions regarding the position you applied for. Vanessa tried not to glance at her watch because she didn’t want anyone to think she was in a hurry although she needed to get back uptown in time to meet Leon when school is released. Each question seemed to get more and more ridiculous. She wanted to walk out when she was asked to describe a situation in which she failed to fulfill her duty obligations. She thought is that duties as a daughter, duties as a mother or duties as a wife. She thought obviously that she should have brought her divorce decree and that would answer the question in completion. Failing she thought with a smile is what I do best. Once she was dismissed to re-enter the reception area her curiosity kicked in wondering what Mr. Adams was performing now. She would not have been surprised to see him doing cartwheels. The receptionist seemed to be seriously annoyed by now. Perhaps because she had to deal with that for a boss on a daily basis. But then on the other hand being in my present situation, I’d just deal with it. As soon as she got close to the apartment door she heard the phone ringing. She’d gotten so accustomed to not answering it because she owed everybody and it seemed that every bill collector in the United States was screaming for whatever they could squeeze out of her even if it was nothing more than the late payment. There was no way she could ever catch up. There just wasn’t enough money to rob Peter and pay Paul. Little did they know Peter and Paul were only one paycheck away from eviction too. The number was not familiar, but she’d been placing job applications all over the continental United States. She looked at the phone in her hand cleared her throat and prepared to put a professional voice into play. Good Evening, may I speak with Vanessa Parker please? Speaking, she replied. Ms. Parker, my name is Nate I’m calling from Atkinson and Friedman regarding your Sears Discovery Card. She let him continue although she already knew what her response was going to be. Your name was

sent in to us for collection. Your monthly payments are in arrears and I was wondering if there was anything that we could do to bring this up to date? She figured she’d make this quick and save him some breaths; No sir, there’s nothing that I can do today, but if you think you can do something then be my guest. She then hit the end button and placed the phone back on the end table. Those calls are all too familiar. Besides the embarrassment of everyone knowing that her marriage has failed and her husband threw her and the kids out like they were yesterday’s trash was the fact that Kennedy’s living with another woman and participating in raising her two children while his children are about to become the product of another homeless situation. She never thought that giving up the life as a military wife would be so drastic changes. Why does her life have to be so dramatic? Kennedy hasn’t ed her or the kids since their departure. He doesn’t know if they made it to their destination or fell off the edge of the earth and bumped their heads on a rock. She was about to prepare herself for bed when her cell phone rang again. It was Charmaine. She was delighted to have found Charmaine on Facebook a few weeks ago. They had been friends and neighbors for the four years when they lived in . The last time she’d heard from her a military move sent her to Virginia. This was years before Facebook came into existence and their only means of keeping in touch was by e-mail and after a while that faded and they lost with each other. Vanessa actually found her under her maiden name Coombs. Charmaine’s marriage to Darren sometimes made Vanessa think she might have been doing something wrong. Their marriage seemed so perfect; the ideal relationship that made others jealous. Just like Tricia, Charmaine was allowed her freedom, but when her husband came home from work all conversations, associating and friendships was put on pause and all her attention was focused upon him. At first Vanessa thought Charmaine was a newlywed, but she found out that they’d been married for almost ten years. Unlike Kennedy, Darren spent most of his free time with her and the family putting most of the focus on her. Charmaine never held lengthy phone calls when Darren was in the house and when you’d see the two of them together outside they were like two lovebirds, can’t keep their hands off of each other. There were times that Vanessa felt a bit jealous until she ed her Pastor saying to be careful whose shoes you desire to fill because you never know where those shoes have trod. In other words, things may not be as pretty as they seem. Charmaine was a nice friend to have. She was sensitive, honest and had a great sense of humor. That

sense of humor is what made her try to change her voice trying to sound like a man asking me all sorts of questions like what are you wearing? And, Do you have any idea how many people are watching you right now? She’s the worst impression of a male Predator anyone has ever heard. Vanessa wanted to play along, but laughter got the best of her. I don’t know what you do for a living, she replied but acting definitely can’t be it. That familiar laughter made her forget about all problems for a while. They talked about their lives after , the children and other struggles. When she began to break down her seemingly perfect relationship the hurt in her voice sounded like she was fighting back tears as she spoke about the daily abuse. Darren had an imagination about how he supposed women were to carry themselves and insisted upon his wife fulfilling the ideas in his head. If she as much as pretended to disobey, he would take away all her money, her ID card, driver’s license, car keys and cell phone leaving her stranded with practically nothing for months while he go away on military training exercises. Then as a reminder that he was in control he would leave the car sitting in front of the house with all her possessions in the glove compartment. Once he had a friend to come by the house to seduce her just to see if she would take the bait. Vanessa’s mouth dropped as Charmaine aired all their dirty laundry one year at a time. Vanessa couldn’t believe it was so obvious yet no one really noticed as a matter of fact Vanessa would sometimes desire that seemingly perfect love story. Although there was no physical abuse the mental abuse was atrocious. But I guess if she’d told the truth then everyone would have looked at Darren differently and probably had some insensitive solution that which probably have made things intolerable. The only thing that she did not regret was that Darren made her spend hours at a time in the gym and the weekend runs for miles at a time because she still have that killer body so many of us secretly adored. That’s why on her Facebook page she is viewed in a full body leather cat suit pounced upon a King sized bed covered with a leopard printed bedspread. She continued to say that although she put on a hell of a show she was mentally burnt out. When she’d gotten the news that he had been killed in an accident in Afghanistan she wasn’t sure to be happy or relieved. Many people might consider her to be a bad person for even thinking in that manner, but not one of them has walked a mile in her shoes. She would have never wished things to happen that way, but it gave her a sigh of relief because she had no idea how she was going to get away from him alive. No one, even her brothers and sisters knew of the lifestyle she was living with Darren. The only way that she could move on with her life was to pretend it never happened and that meant to drop his name and take her own back. After listening to her story Vanessa felt that hers sounds as if she was simply complaining like a spoiled

child. She began to second guess herself. Was life with Kennedy as bad as she made it out to be? Charmaine wasn’t aware that Vanessa had another son so when Vanessa mentioned Leon Charmaine replied, who? The fact that Kennedy doesn’t accept Leon as his is beyond her comprehension. Kennedy acts as if he doesn’t know what conspired between them before his departure. Looking over at the clock it was almost twelve midnight when Vanessa finally told her that she was looking for permanent work. Luckily Charmaine knew of a job opening where one of her friends is a recruiter and was seeking to fill a position at an adolescent behavioral center. They agreed to speak again in a few days after Charmaine ed her friend. Vanessa went to sleep delighted that perhaps there was hope for her after all. It was several months later when Vanessa heard from Charmaine again. The job market was almost at a stand-still. It seemed that everyone was on a freeze, but Vanessa knew she couldn’t give up. With the kids being looked after by her mom Vanessa plugged in her GPS and headed for North Carolina. The further she drove the heavier the snow fell. The State Troopers were heavy on patrol. At one time she thought they were going to force everyone off the highway and close it down. She lost frequency with the radio station a long time ago, but because she was so deeply in concentration on the highway she failed to notice how quiet it actually was until she realized that she was depressing herself with my own thoughts. The building neither looked like a prison, a school or an old previously abandoned nursing home as she expected. It looked more like a newly renovated hospital and the grounds had been neatly manicured before the winter set in. The sign on front would have read MASON COUNTY TEEN CENTER had it not been partially covered with snow. Since she was a bit early she sat in the car and observed the surroundings. A white Durango circled the lot looking for a specific parking spot. Several minutes later a black Buick followed by a Lexus, a Honda and a Kia. Then a black Pathfinder bearing a memorial of a deceased child on the rear window and for some reason this vehicle captured her attention more than the others. There really wasn’t anything unusual about it besides the memorial but her eyes remained glued to this car for some unexplainable reason. The lady in the driver’s seat was very petite in size, but not in height. She was of a Hispanic descendant and wore her hair twirled around in a tight bun in the back of her head. The rain and snow was beginning to freeze the windshield and the washers wasn’t much help as the windshield began to fog. Vanessa wiped a

spot to keep watching this woman. Her boots were possibly a two-inch heel which seemed to be pretty high for this type of weather. She sported a woolen coat that hung right past her knees with a white fur trimmed collar. The parking lot was beginning to fill up as people rushed in to shield themselves from the cold and the fierce winds. Slipping and sliding from one side to the other people struggled to maintain their balance on the now icy patches. Vanessa sang along with the radio what God has for me is for me. The clock now reads eight fifty five when she decided to get out of the car to meet her nineo’clock appointment. Upon entering the building she stomped the snow from her shoes on the long black runner rug at the entrance where other people stomped snow from their shoes as well. There were several people sitting in the lobby just casually looking around as the morning began to blossom. Vanessa walked up to the glass window, introduced herself and said she was here to interview with a Mrs. Cho in Human Resources. The woman behind the glass handed her an ink pen and a clipboard with an information sheet attached pointed to the waiting area and told her to have a seat. Some people were there to be interviewed as well and some were parents waiting to speak with counselors. Vanessa took a seat next to a short woman and began filling out the form; name, address, telephone number, e-mail and all other information that was already sent in on my resume. Then at the end of the questionnaire they had the nerve to ask for a resume. Didn’t make much sense, but they’re not the ones looking for a job. The song continued to play in her head what God has for me is for me. Her watch now reads ten thirty five and she’s still trying to look professional. Each time the door opens a chill of wind seems to fill the air as everyone shift and cringe. Her stomach began to speak a language of its own which sends her professionalism for a dive. Twenty minutes later a woman came out and called her name. The lady walked over to a clipboard that was hanging on the outside of the glass window and crossed her name off. Of all the people still in the waiting area Vanessa was the only one left to be interviewed. The woman introduced herself as Marlene Hyman, head of the editing department. Vanessa followed her to a small room with a long table. In the center of the table on one side was a single chair. On the opposite side of the table were three ladies seated next to each other. Each had a photo copied list in front of them. This was the same type of interview process that she had experienced at the New York office. Ms. Hyman took a seat next to the woman on the farther end of the table. Vanessa recognized some of the faces from the parking lot. The woman with the black pathfinder introduced herself as Cathy McKeithan and began explaining

the form of interviewing process. She assured her that this was normal for State Regulations. She also said that each person at the table would ask a series of questions and would be taking notes on the pad that sat in front of them. She then introduced the other interviewers. The session lasted for approximately twenty minutes and once again just like interviews in the past they always end up with the stupidest question of all; why did you choose to apply for this position? Vanessa wasn’t sure if that was a sarcastic question made up by the person that asked it or if it was actually written amongst the other questions because she was thinking about the fact that she’s just looking for permanent employment of any kind. She looked down the row of interviewers from one to the next. She took a deep breath and smiled. I have the qualifications and I am available she said. Surprisingly, they seemed to be satisfied with the short answer. The drive back from Mason County gave her new hope and plenty to dream about. The money sounded decent and the hours wasn’t bad neither were the opportunities for advancements. A long term commitment and Vanessa was surely ready for it. The weather had subsided and the warmth of the sun created pockets of slush everywhere. She was in no rush to get back to an empty hotel room so she drove the speed limit in the slow lane and enjoyed the flow of the music from the radio as she treaded the forty miles of highway. She’d been out of the work force for so long she might need a brush-up. The one person that knows a lot about the field of Human Resources is Lisa. Unfortunately, as much as she wished she came from a close knit family she never speak with her sister unless there’s a specific reason for the call. It was simply because she missed her sister, but having a detailed question would justify the call. By the time she reached the room she was exhausted. After scrubbing the tub she filled it with hot water and sank like a rock. She took a deep breath and allowed herself to release all the stress into the stillness of the water. When she arose she looked into the mirror and noticed that there were black circles around her eyes which made her look much older. She sat on the edge of the bed and began to pray. Father God, if you’re listening please have mercy on me. I know I don’t know everything about living this life and obviously it must be something that I’m not doing right. I’m asking you for your guidance. I’d like to return to the comforts of life and enjoy life as you planned for me to, but I can’t seem to get it together. Lord, I can’t do anything without you so while I’m going through this

trial please don’t leave me. Amen. Her spirit was so calmed by the prayer that she was already asleep before her head hit the pillow. Her body sunk into the mattress as if she were a hundred pounds heavier and by the time the mattress took shape of her body she was cruising in the Bahamas. The clear green water reflected the warmth of the sun and penetrated her entire midsection as she lay out on a lounge chair on the beach. Bodies swayed to the sounds of Calypso and the steel drums delivered a sweet melody that caused colorful delight as the islanders kept to the rhythm of the beat.

PAPERWEIGHT

Vanessa its that sometimes her independence along with anxiety frustrates her and can exaggerate any situation more than necessary. Boredom constantly drew her to the window where the traffic flow was non-stopping day and night. She learned every person in the neighborhood, who they associated with and what type of car they drove. She knew who their children were and their associations as well. Oh, goodness, she thought, I’m turning into my mother. I have to find something else to do with my life. Although she was grateful that Charmaine recommended her to the teen center she knew that she had to continue to job hunting until she landed something solid. She bought a newspaper and began searching through the job postings. She found Paperweight job assistance center which d position availabilities like they could surely get anyone employed. Since she hadn’t heard from the Teen Center she decided to give Paperweight a try. Everything that she needed to do was set up in this company including free phone service and fax for employment connections. Vanessa was a member of the Paperweight job center for over a year. She spent almost every day there involving herself in every job search activity that they offered. Through Paperweight, She’d been hired for so many positions and fired from just as many. She was afraid that the Internal Revenue Service would audit her because of so many W-2’s. She changed her resume so many times to coincide with ments that she don’t even claim a specialty anymore. Being fired so many times has made her doubt her own ability to perform at any position. She’d beat herself up for failing to hold down a position, failing as a wife, failing as a daughter and failing as a parent. She couldn’t understand the reason why she’d get fired either on the day or two days before the temp assignment was due to end. “Bam” just like that, no explanation; until one day someone explained the “at will” law. You know this is an “at will” state, they explained that means you are at the will of whoever is in a position to control your everyday life. In these States the law requires that if you reach that ninety day of employment the company has to take you on permanently which also means they have to begin paying into your medical benefits which can become very costly, therefore they will get as much out of you as they could then get rid of you right as you enter the ending of that period. Although this gave her

some relief to understanding that she wasn’t at fault it also angered her that she was being used in this manner. Isn’t it hard enough that the economy is in a down slump and there are millions of people out of work as it is? She’d come to know all the counselors as well as the office Manager. Although it’s not important, but I wondered which counselor recommended me for the position? Regardless to whom it was, it was favor from God and I do thank him for this. The last position she held lasted two days short of three months. She had just completed a normal day at a packing and shipping company; tracking containers from one unknown Country to another outside of the United States using computer technology. She made sure the ship was loaded with the correct merchandise and was able to locate each container and where it was placed on the ship. She ed clients to assure time and dates of arrival. She even learned how to for merchandise lost at sea due to storms, tornados or any other weather catastrophe. Documents had been printed, signed and calculated for payments and the weather forecasted for each trip prior to the ship’s departure from the dock. She learned how to calculate world time and compare it with Eastern Pacific time to assure the merchandise reached its destination at the correct time for that area and which time of the year was best to send cars and which time of the year was best to ship dry goods. She spent the majority of her lunch hour watching out the large window as the cranes lifted large containers and carried them from one location to another; super huge claws that clamped down, twisted and turned until the container was securely in place. Then ferries that drifted out to sea until they had practically disappeared into the fog. There was so much movement on the loading dock and in the container yard that the organization of the entire operation was amazing just to watch. Now she knows how all this merchandise listed as “made in Japan” or “made in the Philippians” or other Countries ended up in the United States. It was enjoyable to learn about the different Continents, the Panama Canal, drenches, barges and harbors. It was interesting to compare laws of trade from one region to the other and understand the legalities of it all. There were locations as far east or as far west as your imagination can soar. She wanted to change her profession to Shipping and Receiving Specialist. She enjoyed checking warranties, making connections for large companies and industries that bought and sold everything from furniture to clothing and electronics. She never knew people had so much money to play with. Some of these orders ranged in thousands and thousands of dollars. Because she was so fascinated with the business she made an effort to

learn the most she could. The clock was reading four fifty. Ten minutes left before her shift ends and tomorrow would mark the end of her three months on the job. She gathered unfinished invoices and made a stack for things to complete tomorrow, wiped down the telephone and computer with the Lysol wipes and made the last run to the bathroom. Julie was usually in the same uniformity with her since they were both temps and not authorized overtime. When she opened the bottom drawer to get her purse the building security guard walked into the office. In the past three months that she’s worked here she has never seen him on this floor especially during closing time. He’s usually planted at the podium near the front entrance jolly-jawing with any and everyone who took notice to his existence. He nodded at the receptionist and headed directly for the Department Manager’s office. After a brief conversation he walked outside the glass door and stood next to the sign that displayed the department name and idly greeted people as they waited for the elevator. He was usually very shaky and shifted his weight from one foot to the other which is probably a condition that develops with age. He always looked weak and frail. After retrieving her purse, coat and umbrella Vanessa announced that she was leaving by greeting everyone a hearty “good night”. She nodded at the security guard and pressed the button for the elevator. She didn’t bother to wait for Julie who was still rambling through her purse for her car keys. As soon as the elevator door closed her cell phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and noticed that it was her job calling. Did she forget something or did she forget to do something? She wondered. Hey, Vanessa; the voice was pleasant and cheerful yet familiar. It was Diane, her immediate supervisor calling to inform her that today was her last day on the job. Fired again! No explanation; just that. Once Diane had said what she called to say she ended the conversation before Vanessa had a chance to react. This type of firing style was so common that Vanessa didn’t even bother to get upset, but she did however want to retrieve the personal items from my desk, mainly the pictures of her children that inspired her from the backboard of the cubicle. She stayed on the elevator and pressed the button to the fifth floor. The bell dinged, but before she could get both feet out of the elevator the security guard immediately took a defensive stand and ordered her back downstairs with instructions to exit the building. His left thumb hooked inside his pants pocket and his legs were separated with his head cocked to one side looking like the security guard from the sitcom “Martin”. He repeated, “Ms. Parker I need you to exit the building immediately”. It’s funny how he called me

by name. For the entire two months and twenty nine days that she have been saying good morning to this man he’s never called her by name. She felt like a damn fool to even think she’d make it past temp status. The thought of how these same people have been smiling in her face all day knowing what they have already decided and now they want to act as if they were afraid of what she would do by using this poor old man who couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag to cover their hypocritical behinds while they hide behind a three inch glass divider was too much nerve for her. Julie was about to pull out of the parking lot when Vanessa waved her down and gave her the news in detail. Julie’s head dropped at the thought of anticipating her outcome at the end of next month. When the office opened on Monday Vanessa was already on the way. She didn’t want to get there as everyone was coming in so she waited until she knew everyone was settled. The security guard was on his normal bathroom break routine when Vanessa entered the building. All eyes were set on her when she walked through the door. Without saying a word she walked over to the desk that she once occupied and began pulling the pictures from the wall. She opened the bottom drawer and retrieved her personal drinking container and walked back out the door. Life goes on. That sends her back to the unemployment office filing for benefits. Each time she applied her allowances become less. She was maintaining the rent, but this puts her in the position of juggling between the electric bill and cell phone. Her credit report has been threatened so many times that she began to tell people to take a number and stand in line. Whatever! If anything was left from what unemployment calls a check will have to be used to shut up the Cable Company or student loans department. Trying to get food stamps and other Government substitutes that she thought would be available for those of us Americans that have spent the majority of our lives working for a living was of no success. The main focus on the questionnaire was about family involvement and if anyone in the family has ever received these benefits before. The counselor had even hinted that she name someone in her family to make her chances better, otherwise the bottom line always calculated that she made a dollar or two more than she should even during the period of unemployment.

She holds her head up in faith because she believed in her heart that this situation can’t last forever. Besides she knows that she’s connected to a God that won’t put any more on her than she can bear; at least that’s what the church teaches. They also told her that she’s stronger than she really think she is, therefore she is also stronger than the situation. Her cell phone lit up on the end table. She checked the caller ID. Paperweight job center. It’s probably another recorded message alert about a job fair, a workshop or resume review that’s coming up. She’d given up on job fairs simply because she doesn’t know a single person who have gotten hired through a job fair. That’s just another scheme for businesses to . Nevertheless, she picked up the receiver. Good Morning Ms. Parker, This is Jody Hamilton at the Paperweight job center, how are you today she said all in one sentence. I’m doing well thank you, she replied. Ms. Parker I’m calling you today because you were recommended by one of our job counselors for a position here at the job center. Would you be interested? Yes, Ma’am. The opening is for a front desk receptionist. You would be required to greet clients and get them started with filling out the questionnaire, istering typing tests for those positions that require it or recommending them to counselors if necessary. You will also be keeping the daily calendar of each counselor and assuring that they stay on schedule with appointments. When would you like me to start? She asked. Well, can you come in sometime today before five so we can discuss this in more detail. Yes, Ma’am, I’ll be there in about an hour. It surprised her that she used the Ma’am word so much. She wasn’t raised to say yes, ma’am and no ma’am, but here in the South that word constitutes respect higher than any other word she has ever known. The butterflies were beginning to flutter in the bottom of her stomach. Her mind was racing one hundred miles an hour. She looked around the room and evaluated all the things that wasn’t there; things that she had to purchase before bringing the kids home. It’s been so long since she’s had steady income that she felt the same ignorance she experienced when entering the job market for the first time. She walked around the middle of the room,

folded my hands in prayer and closed her eyes. Thank you Lord, Thank you. As soon as she entered the door she was waved past the receptionist by a blond woman in a red pants suit. She never considered herself to be gay in any sort of way, but she found herself attracted to the suit or was it the body in the suit? The suit accented every curve of the long slender body. For a moment she was mesmerized by the movement of the material and she felt a tweak of jealousy because she knew that that suit would not be as attractive on her. The woman led her to a table where she already had her file laying open. She began explaining the details of the position. What brought you to my attention, she began, is that we’re looking for someone who is dependable for this position and your regularity in and out of the job center led me to think you would be a good candidate. As you notice our front desk receptionist is about to go out on maternity leave and she’s not expected to return for over three months. When the conversation was coming to an end she walked her over to the reception area where Vanessa was formally introduced to Nadine as her replacement. It felt good for Vanessa to know that she don’t have to call the unemployment hotline for another three months to talk into a recording for weekly wages. Nadine still had a few loose ends that she needed to handle in her last few days on the job, therefore, Vanessa was instructed to begin training on Wednesday. When she arrived at the job center on Monday Nadine was not behind the desk. People were walking in the office with gifts wrapped in baby decorations. People were preparing a surprise baby shower. The cake was an amazement of a beautiful creation of a pregnant woman sitting in a rocking chair with baby bottles, rattles and toys on the base by the feet. Marshall carried the cake very carefully and placed it in the center of the table in the staff break room. People were amazed with the creativity of the cake and asked many question about the structure. The celebration would have been absolutely grand except for the fact that Jody received a phone call explaining that Nadine was not feeling well and that she might be giving birth sooner than expected. Nevertheless, that gives Vanessa approximately thirty minutes to figure out the daily activities of this desk. The sign reads open Monday through Friday eight o’clock a.m. until four o’clock p.m. A line was already forming outside the glass door as people were checking their watches against the clock on the wall. One man was pacing back and forth yet not wandering far from the third place in line. He seemed to be more agitated and anxious the closer it got to eight o’clock. It was approximately

three minutes after eight when he began tapping on the glass. Vanessa opened the top drawer in search of a key, but did not find one. She had no idea who was supposed to unlock the door, but the man’s eyes were fixed upon her in a mean stare. By the way he twitched his shoulders and head she gathered that he might be a bit mentally challenged. Even though they were separated by a glass she felt uneasy and uncomfortable with every second that ed. Normally she would have wondered if it was that serious, but after job hunting for as long as she has she can say yes, it is that serious! Everyone was so consumed with the baby shower and gifts that no one seemed to notice that it was time to open for business. Vanessa pretended to look for a key as a way of stalling for time hoping someone would come rescue her from this madness. It was about five after eight when the man plastered his face onto the glass door and peered into the office pointing towards the clock. He began beating on the glass with a hand that looked partially deformed when counselor Jan came walking across the floor with a key to unlock the door. The impatient fellow ran directly to the window that viewed the traffic outside. He quickly shuffled back out the office and down the stairs. The limp in his left leg caused him to slow down as he carefully used both feet on a step each time. The customers already knew the routine of g in so Vanessa took this time to feed her curiosity by peered out the window to see why the man was in such a hurry to get in and out. His hands waved uncontrollably at the bus that was sitting in the H23 spot. He ran towards the bus stop and barely stepped aboard the bus before the driver closed the door. She realized that the lateness in opening disrupted his daily schedule. He obviously couldn’t read the clock and used the opening time as a way to monitor the bus schedule. A poster notating the daily announcements were hanging on the bulletin board. Today a class was scheduled to begin at Nine O’clock for resume writing and job hunting skills. There was a list of eighteen clients signed up for the class, fourteen clients scheduled to meet with counselors and six people scheduled to attend classes at the local college. The GED class that was regularly scheduled for Thursdays were being re-scheduled until next week and the list to inform people of the change is missing. Vanessa never received a formal introduction into the position so she was handling whatever she found listed on Nadine’s desk calendar. By the time the staff was coming back from lunch each one stopped to ask how she was adjusting. Counselor Jan came to relieve her at one o’clock for a half-hour lunch. Vanessa had already ed out forms to new clients, received forms for assistance, scheduled appointments for counselors,

scheduled appointments for the Office Manager, ed the local colleges with clients to add to their class listings, mailed out the monthly schedule for new client opportunities and answered a zillion inquiries. By the end of the day she was amazed how much she had actually gotten accomplished. At four forty-five things were beginning to get restless around the office while the business prepared to close for the day. The final announcement was made that the computers are about to be cut off so clients could either print or save their work on flash drives. When the last customer left for the evening bidding goodnight the lady in the red pant suit came over and handed Vanessa a key to the front door and reminded her to door lock behind her. By the end of the week Vanessa had the routine down to a science. Once again she felt like she was more than temporary help; she was one of the staff however, she dared not to get too comfortable. Tomorrow the office will be closed for a State Inspection, therefore Vanessa was given the day off. That evening Vanessa sat on the rented sofa in her apartment and fell asleep in front of the television. For the first time in a long time she slept like a rock waking up totally relaxed and stress free. The embarrassment of not being able to provide for her family was not on top of her agenda today. It was a chilly day; but it was still early when the sun began to peeking above the apartments across the street. Vanessa walked into her bedroom and began gathering all the clothes she’d worn this week which was tossed atop the nightstand. There were several pairs of shoes scattered about the floor and the dresser was a mess with hair grease, clips, combs and scrunches’ of every color imaginable. As she walked about picking up items and placing them in their respectable places. She smiled at the fact of knowing that she was employed at least for the next couple of months. Is it a bad thing that she quietly wished Nadine all the blessings that a new mother deserved, yet hoped she would not come back all in the same prayer? Vanessa didn’t have a lot of clothes with her. Most of her things were in the storage shed and she had to make do with what she had. She prepared herself to spend Monday and Tuesday washing laundry and preparing outfits for the week. It was about ten o’clock in the morning when she looked out the window and noticed that the maintenance men were removing household items from an apartment across the way sitting them in a heap at the edge of the sidewalk. The items did not look like garbage although there were clothes and draperies thrown

on top. Throughout the course of the day people ed, looked at the items and some even stopped to sift through collecting what they wanted or could carry along the way. They were cleaning out apartment #25. She’s seen this woman and her children before. She doesn’t know much about the woman other than the fact that she is a single parent with about four or five children. Curiosity kept bringing her back to the window every couple of minutes or so just to see what was left sitting amongst the pile. It was about two forty when the school bus dropped off children in the neighborhood. A girl and two boys stopped in front of the rubbish and stared at it for a moment. This was their stuff which is now soaked from the rain. The oldest child began dialing on a cell phone while the other children huddled under the front porch of the place that they used to call home. A padlock was securing the front door along with a notice from the court forbidding re-entry into the apartment. It wasn’t long before the woman came speeding into the neighborhood. Her heavy Island accent began spewing words that I’d never heard before. The blue Saturn Vue came to an abrupt stop when she saw her children standing in the cold with nowhere to go. The surprise look upon her face turned to anger and confusion as she found herself gathering what was left of their belongings and packing as much of it that would fit into the car. The rental lease reads: All monies to include rent must be paid by the tenth of each month. An additional five days which includes a late fee must be paid in full by the fifteenth of each month. Any additional fees, court costs or legal obligations must be paid by the end of the month and will be the responsibility of the tenant. Over the next few hours the woman came in and out of the housing unit to gather whatever was left of her things until the sidewalk was once again free of her belongings. Vanessa didn’t give much more of a thought to that situation although she couldn’t imagine the hurt of coming home and finding your children on the streets and realizing that you have no home. Vanessa was happy to know that when she rented the apartment she doubled up on the first month’s rent in the case that she was in between employment she had a roof over her head. She also developed the habit of paying every rent thereafter by the fifth which kept her a month ahead.

It was the third of the month and Vanessa was on her way to the grocery store when she ed that she needed to pay her rent. It was Saturday and the rental officer was open until noon. Upon stepping inside she found no one in the reception area. She called out “hello” and received a reply from another office saying I’ll be with you in a minute. During the wait she began looking around the office. On one of the side walls there was a bulletin board that d equal rights for employees and photos of family on desks nearby. Stacks of paper were sitting on the edge of a desk with a handwritten sign on top reading “filing”. She checked her watch and realized she’d been waiting for about seven minutes. She got bored with occupying herself with useless office materials. What was taking so long? She stepped out from behind the divider towards the sound of the voice and peered down the short hallway into what looked like a break room. She called out again “hello”. A girl standing about four feet eleven appeared from one of the rooms with a cell phone in one hand attached to her left ear. So what are you doing tomorrow night? She spoke into the receiver. Laughter broke out and she placed her hand over her mouth as if surprised by the reply. Your behind is crazy as hell she mumbled into the receiver carrying on a conversation as if she didn’t even see Vanessa standing there. With a shuffle of feet she finally acknowledged Vanessa’s presence. She swung her blond hair from the right side to the left shifting ears on the receiver. Hold on she stated annoyingly, then looked up at Vanessa and asked, can I help you? Vanessa was astonished by the amount of attitude she placed into that question. She looked at her for a few minutes without speaking trying to decide just how she was going to answer that question. If she wants attitude I can give her attitude Vanessa thought as she acknowledged that she stood here waiting for her to finish a worthless phone call and now she wants to have an attitude because she’s at work! Yea, Vanessa replied with her lips curled up. I’m here to pay my rent. She then opened her purse and fumbled around the contents inside as if she couldn’t find what she was looking for. Finally pulling out a checkbook and then shuffled the contents around again as if she were looking for an ink pen. Actually, she was just wasting time and delaying the girl’s phone call. The girl reached into the drawer and extended a pen in Vanessa’s direction. I have my own pen Vanessa motioned as she held the pen up for her to view. Vanessa looked at her and smiled then prepared to write in slow motion. How do you spell the name of this company? Vanessa asked. The girl smiled and said, Oh, I have a stamp. Vanessa watched as she reached over and retrieved an ink pad and rubber stamp. That’s not what I asked you Vanessa repeated; how do you spell the name of this company? The girl rolled her eyes and took in a deep

breath then began with a huff M.A.R.O.N.A.C.K. Vanessa had accomplished her goal of getting on her nerves and was purposely keeping her from the call she still had on hold. She slowly ripped the check from the book and handed it to her with a smile. The girl took the check and asked if Vanessa needed a receipt. No, Vanessa replied as she glanced at the carbonated copy in her checkbook. As she turned to leave she could feel the piercing stare that burned the center of her back. Just as she ed through the glass door the reflection bounced back at the girl as she picked up the desk blotter and placed the check beneath it. Besides Vanessa’s Honda, there was only one vehicle parked outside the rental office. It was a red pick-up truck with a license plate that read “GA GRITS”. Vanessa wondered exactly what that meant. She knows that it’s by the grace of God that she’s managed to keep a roof over her head. Rent took up most of her paycheck and there was little left for food or anything else, but she misses her children something awful and sometimes cries herself to sleep thinking about her situation. Doing another mental money shuffle she put the car in gear and headed for the highway. Depression is weighing heavy on her mind and from the image in the mirror it’s beginning to consume her appearance as well. It seems as if she’s losing everything. Is it because she walked from under her umbrella of protection when she walked away from Kennedy? Driving the distance gave her a lot of time to think. She threw her hands up in the air and wiped the tears from her face. She needed to reevaluate her situation. She needs to see her children and pull her family back together. She can’t let this situation take her out. Lord Help! The position at the job center ended as soon as Nadine’s baby turned three months old, but Vanessa was already gone. They ended her service exactly eighty eight days of employment. Vanessa was offered another with another company. Counselor Jan was working hard to keep Vanessa in the employment game and Vanessa appreciate everything she was doing, but the fact that she kept getting temporary work was annoying. Vanessa felt that once again through the grace of God two weeks later she was standing inside the Mason County Teen Center shaking hands with Mrs. Cho in acceptance of a permanent position as Human Resources Assistant. Normally

she hates the first day on the job. Regardless of how much sleep she receive the night before she always find herself fighting to stay awake during training. There were questionnaires to fill out, benefit packets to figure out, films to watch and people to meet. She has never been good at names so she try to memorize faces and connect them with places. This was an entire day process. Tomorrow she will be given a tour of the facility and introduced to some of the clients that reside there. With permanent employment she can finally bring my kids home. Thank you Jesus! There’s no way Vanessa is going to let negativity control her life this time. She’s embracing this blessing from above with full extended arms. She’s not even going to allow the thought to enter her mind. Her goal is to go to New York and get her children. After scarfing down a few biscuits she threw a load of clothes in the machine. She made a call to her bank to see if her check from the shipping company appeared on the statement. She wrote out the check for this month’s rent, ripped it carefully and drove over to the rental office to drop it off. New York is only six hours away.

AUNTIE BRAT

She reached the neighborhood at about eleven o’clock. Redbox was located at the Baychester Plaza so she decided to pick up a couple of movies to watch with the kids. Leon would love to see Robocop Three. As she neared the apartment building she was already scoping the street for an available parking spot. The parking situation was one of the reasons she didn’t miss New York. After sitting for about a half hour she began to get frustrated. Even through the dirt that has gathered on the outside of the windows over the years, Aaron spotted her car. Having out of state plates on her vehicle was like having a flashing green light alerting thieves to shake down the car as soon as the sun set. Luckily someone was pulling out just at the end of the walkway. A woman that exited the building didn’t even look up to see if she recognized the person that grabbed and held the door open when Vanessa held out her hand to catch the door before it connected with the lock. The stench of urine hit her nose long before the smell of marijuana. Her mother lived on the second floor of the fourteen floor building but Vanessa dared not to take the stairs in fear of what she might encounter from here to there. The elevator creaked as it bounced to the level of the floor. A man pushed at the doors to open. Aaron had already alerted everyone that she was here and he was peeking out the peep-hole on the door when she arrived. The warm welcome was more than enough to make her realize how blessed she was despite the challenges in her life. This was considered project living when she was a child too, but at that time there were superintendents that would scrub the stairs from the top floor all the way to the lobby for the purpose of reducing germs. She when she used to walk home with her friends and see window washers that dangled from the scrapple in the summer and the stay-athome mothers that sat in lawn chairs in front of the building making sure all the children got home safely from school. There were signs on the wall reminding the tenants that keeping the building clean is important for the health of everyone. This was once a neighborhood that prided itself on caring for each other and sharing was not a concern when a child was hungry. With the deterioration of the property and care-free people who now reside in this building emulates every bit of project living. It is more than obvious that cleanliness, health or safety is the least of their concern.

The smell of spaghetti and sausage was escaping from the kitchen. Mama was sitting in front of a twelve inch television and smiled when she looked up and saw me pulling a small suitcase on wheels. Brat-Brat looked around the doorway of the kitchen and sucked her teeth. She is the one sister that Vanessa never got along with. Maybe it was due to the difference in their ages. Mama thought for sure she was done with having children until she scared the wits out of us the day she came down with a pinched nerve in her left leg. Vanessa recalled the story Lisa told about the day mama thought she was about to have a stroke or something. The fact that her leg would give out and cause her to drop to the floor was enough to seek medical attention. The doctor in the emergency room ran several age-related tests on her and when the final results were in he entered mama’s room with a weird smirk on his face. They all braced themselves for some drastic news when he congratulated her upon her sixth month of pregnancy. He said the baby was sitting on a nerve and that’s why her leg goes out. Ever since that day Patricia has perfected the art of getting on everyone’s nerves. With only three months left to prepare for a new family member Patricia came screaming in weighing barely five pounds. As she grew she demanded attention and being the baby of the family she got just that. Her biggest downfall was the fact that she never learned how to control her anger and because Mama was short-patience it was easier to just let her have her way. That’s how she developed the name Brat-Brat. Mama was so afraid that one of the siblings would lose their temper with her and probably hurt her in the process of trying to control her that she would never leave her in their care with her crazy panic attacks. So after a while everyone just chose to ignore her. By the time Brat-Brat started school she had a hard time adjusting and because of her demands she got into a lot of fights. By that time Lisa was already in her senior year of High School. Therefore neither Vanessa, Lisa nor Tony was around for Brat-Brat’s teenage life. This left Patricia to grow up as an only child. Lisa thought about staying in touch with her to develop a sisterly relationship, but life didn’t permit the outcome. Patricia was adored by so many family because she was actually very cute and because of this she learned to manipulate people to get her way. She attended a vocational High School and majored in performing arts which gave her the stage finesse she was seeking. When she graduated High School she decided that she wanted to take the world by storm and fulfil her dream of following in the footsteps of Whitney Houston. She discovered her vocal talents from years of practice in the church choir and she has the type of voice that brings everyone to their full attention from the first note. She craved being the center of attention and during her performances she made it known that she wasn’t going to accept anything less. She met a man that claimed to

have connections to Tyler Perry just to find out that this man was living a fantasy of his own. Overall, she’s done quite well for herself. She wrote a play called Mama heard my cry which performed at several auditoriums in and about the Metropolitan Area. She has a little part-time job that keeps her busy when she’s not performing. Vanessa doesn’t dislike her they just don’t know each other as sisters should. Vanessa heard Tasha from the bedroom. The laughter let her know that she’s either on the telephone or engrossed in a television show. After breakfast Leon went back to sleep in Mama’s bed. Even though the child from their father goes directly into Mama’s bank to help with the expenses Vanessa didn’t want the children to feel like she was doing what their dad had done; walked away! I guess that’s a natural “man” thing; just as the stories grandmother once told about the fathers that would go to the store for milk and never return. Well, like they always say when the going gets tough the tough gets the hell out of town. It’s bad enough that her children have lost one parent, but losing two just wasn’t cool. When Vanessa walked into the room Tasha was neither on the telephone or watching television, she had a cell phone in her hands and she was texting. Hey, Boo Bear Vanessa said as she sat on the edge of the bed next to her. Tasha placed the cell phone face down next to her opposite thigh and gave Vanessa a hug. What are you doing? Vanessa asked. Just talking to my friend, Tasha replied. Oh, O.K. Vanessa replied and kissed her on the top of her head as she got up to leave. Tasha picked up the phone again to continue the task when Vanessa turned to say “I was thinking that maybe you and I could get some girl time in this weekend, maybe go get our nails done or something, what do you think?” Tasha shrugged her shoulders and smiled back. The telephone slipped from her hands and fell at her feet with the screen side up. She immediately kicked it under the bed. Vanessa thought about bursting her bubble and all, but then she thought about the fact that she haven’t seen her in about eight months. There’s no need to start an argument about some little boy she’s texting. When Brat-Brat emerged from the kitchen she said Ma dinner’s on the stove whenever you’re hungry you can just heat it up. She continued with Mama don’t forget to put the rest in the refrigerator. I’d hate to come in here tomorrow and find you covered in roaches. I couldn’t figure out if she was serious or teasing because her face showed no expression. Then she began calling the kids; Tasha, Aaron, Leon she screamed are you all ready to go? Vanessa looked at her as if

she’d lost her way. Go where? She asked. I’m spending the day with my kids today she protested what do you think I came here for? Brat-Brat walked right past her stepping over her purse as if she didn’t see it there and replied Oh, just because you decided to show up today you think we’re supposed to change our plans? I take the kids off mom’s hands every Saturday and give her a break; do you ever think about giving mom a break? No! The only one you think about is you so go back to North Shannon town or wherever you came from and don’t try interrupting anything here because no one is going to cater to you. I know you gave birth to these kids, but I have been their parent since you dropped them off so as far as I care she said raising her hand in the air and opening a closed fist, you can “poof” disappear. As she directed the kids out the door with a pointed finger she continued. I mean damn, you’re not even in the same State which means you don’t even want to be near them. Vanessa thought about grabbing her by the fake pony tail that was abruptly swinging from side to side. Hold up a doggone minute Vanessa said as she stepped in front of Tasha and pulled Aaron by the arm. Leon had his coat on and was trying to button it up when he stopped to look up to anticipate what was going to happen next. Don’t you dare judge me Vanessa scolded. Who cares about judging your ass Brat-Brat interrupted as she tried to push her to the side and allow the children to exit. Mama stood up and screamed; both of you’ll better watch your mouths up in here. This is still my house she stomped her left foot as she stared us down. By now Brat-Brat and Vanessa was standing face to face breathing hard and ready to fight for their rights. Vanessa looked over her shoulder at her mother who knew she really had no control of this situation, but because she has respect for her, Vanessa took a step back. When Tasha and Aaron ran for the door Vanessa knew the only thing left for her to do is to grab her purse and hang with them. Where are they going that was so important that Tasha would give up mother/daughter day to go hang with Auntie Brat? Let’s analyze this Brat-Brat said with one hand on her hip and one finger from the other flaring in the air. School started in September where were you? Thanksgiving where were you? Christmas where were you? Leon’s birthday where were you? Vanessa looked towards her mother. Mama are you going to let her stand here and say I didn’t have any part in any of these events? Brat-Brat continued, money don’t take the place of you just in case you didn’t know. Then she said, Mama’s not the problem here dear sis you are because you think you can just show up in the middle of everything and keep us from our normal routine? I don’t think so! But I’ll tell you what she said while buttoning Leon’s coat, we’ll allow you to tag along so you can see what it is that these children are in to and why you’re not important right now. Oh, alright Vanessa said giving back as much attitude as she was offering. You little witch, Vanessa

thought. Perhaps you’re right but whether on your turf or mine, I’m going to spend this day with my children. Aaron was leading the way. Several times Brat-Brat had to remind him to slow down so they could stay together. Vanessa couldn’t believe how much energy it took to climb the hill to the Avenue. She was so out of shape for this now, but wasn’t about to let Brat-Brat out do her. Brat-Brat had Leon by the hand and Tasha was on the other side of her keeping in stride. Vanessa felt so out of place huffing and puffing so hard she could hardly talk. She almost felt like a third leg just barely hanging on. Aaron disappeared as soon as he turned the corner. Obviously stopping by the corner store was a part of their routine. Vanessa was sure glad they stopped because she almost doubled over from the pain that was in her side. At the sight and smell of food her stomach began to growl. New York has the most variety of cultural appetites. Can I get a hot honey ham and cheese, light mayo on hero bread with lettuce and tomato? Vanessa asked the man behind the counter. As the man prepared her sandwich the counter began to fill up with bags of chips, sodas and cookies. Just add it all to my bill she completed. Once again Brat-Brat rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth. She was determined to make Vanessa feel unwanted on their little adventure. Once everybody grabbed their items they were on our way to the bus stop. The bus was just pulling up and there was a line waiting for people to exit so they could board. One kid grabbed hold of the back door and entered the bus without paying his fare. He walked as far as he could to the back and took a seat as if no one saw him come aboard. Once the front areas was cleared of riders the driver picked up the microphone and requested the “young man in the blue shirt” to come to the front of the bus. The kid did not move instead he looked out the window and ignored the driver’s request. The driver then got out of his seat and turned to look to the rear of the bus and told the kid to either come pay his fare or get off the bus; still no response. The driver then walked to the back of the bus and stood directly in front of the kid and said, sir, do you have your fare? The kid looked up at the driver and replied, man you take your job much too serious. The company is not going to go out of business because of a dollar fifty. The driver repeated; do you have your fare? The boy reached into his pants pocket and handed the driver a dollar and some change in which the driver took it and proceeded back to his seat. After dropping the money into the fare box the driver put the bus into gear and continued on his route. Damn, I heard Brat-Brat whisper under her breath; this butthole is about to make everybody late simply because he wants to play games.

When they reached Carver Avenue they transferred to another bus and rode to the Concourse. Aaron again leading the way hopped off the bus and skipped three blocks to the church. Vanessa was flooded with old memories the moment she set eyes on the church building. The dirt, grime and dust that settled onto the grey brick over the years gave it the same eerie appearance as a haunted house. The steeple still stood tall even though it no longer possesses the bell that would call parishioners to church on time. Leon bounced up the stairs and turned to look at his mother who seemed to be frozen in time as she examined every stained glass window that encircled the outer realm. The memories that she has of this building were more bitter than sweet. Memories that she hoped to never have to think about again. Most of her childhood is intertwined within the spirits of this old building which made them hard to forget although the huge red doors has been replaced by large white double doors with thick etched glass that allows sunlight to enter the vestibule. Changing the building does not change the history. She imagined that once the front door of the church opened she would see Sister Mandell standing at the entrance door to the sanctuary with her white gloved hand stretched out to welcome her in. Just the smile on her face was enough to warm Vanessa’s heart and Vanessa always returned the smile. The choir would be lined up in front of the sanctuary door waiting for service to begin. This is how every Sunday morning service began. With Sister Hester in the lead the choir rocked from one foot to the other under the guidance of the organist, Brother Donovan. Brother Donovan raised his left hand to signal the singing of the first note. Since Vanessa was the smallest she followed close behind Sister Hester. All eyes fell on her when the double doors swung open. Vanessa stood proud to lead the way while her peers watched her footsteps so they could step in time. Left foot toe tap, right foot toe tap, left foot toe tap, right foot toe tap; they rocked from side to side all the way down the center aisle at the beat of the music until they were lined up in front of the altar. “We have come this far by faith, leaning on the Lord”. Sister Odessa bellowed louder than everyone else from the rear of the line as she took lead of the song leaving the rest of the group to fall into the chorus. Once at the alter Brother Donovan lowered his hand so the choir could now sing at a whisper. Reverend Richmond began the Morning Prayer. At the close of Brother Donovan’s fist the choir knows that they are now to be silent until the prayer was completed. When Reverend Richmond rose from his knees so did the choir. Brother Donovan quickly raised his hand and instructed the choir to begin with singing Amen, Amen, Amen. We performed this action so many times that it was rehearsed like a Broadway play. Vanessa,

Lisa and Tony dared not to move a muscle during the entire service unless they were scolded for the remainder of the evening and punished from watching television. Sister Parker as the church referred to her mother, was a dedicated Christian who spent most of her week obligated to the service of the Lord through serving the church as a Missionary, Deaconess, Prayer warrior and Minister. As a child it seemed to Vanessa that the doors of the church never locked. There was always something going on from cake sales, dinner sales, dressing the altar for communion, dusting the pews, vacuuming the carpet, fashion shows, anniversaries, revivals or something someone created like feet washing ceremonies or Tom Thumb weddings. There were so many four-year olds married through this process that Vanessa wondered who came up with such a silly idea. While other children were outside playing Sister Parker’s child was busy scrubbing, serving or something. When there was nothing to do Sister Parker got creative, anything to keep Vanessa within her eyesight. Vanessa often found herself teased by the other children who referred to her as Cinderella. Her dad refused to go to church because of all the gossip. Her mother told him that he was going to burn in the pits of hell and dad decided hell was a better place. This was the cause of their divorce. Vanessa hated the whole scenario and promised herself when she became an adult she was never going to put her feet in another church for as long as she lived. The atmosphere was a warm and loving place or that is what was perceived. Vanessa squirmed and squeezed in her seat until Mother Nature threatened to flood the floor. She raised her finger no higher than shoulder high to ask permission to go to the bathroom. Sister Jackson, the usher now guarding the side aisle gestured her to come down from the choir loft. With her head facing the floor Vanessa took a quick look in the direction of her mother and walked swiftly until she was out the door. She stood at the top of the staircase and hesitated to creep down to the unfinished, dark, damp basement. There had been stories told of how people have seen a large rat about the size of a cat scurrying about in the dark, but that was just one of the worries they had about the basement. It was also a place where Brother Preston, the church custodian lurked in the shadows. Brother Preston tried to be a good Christian despite his desires for catching the little girls in the basement alone. Many times two girls tried to go together, but with Sister Jackson guarding the door that was not going to be allowed. Sister Jackson always accused the children of playing around in an effort not to be part of the service. These children need all the Jesus they can get

she’d say in a swearing tone of voice. Vanessa peeked around the corner into what is now the dining area. Just as she thought it was free to run she bump into someone. What’s your hurry Brother Preston asked as he carefully and gently escorted her back against the cold rough wall? She wanted to scream, but knew no one would hear her. Just like the other children she’d been taught that it was a sin against God to speak against an adult. It was not good manners to put yourself in a position where you would be challenged against the word of an adult. Her mother once told her that she’d be cursed and wouldn’t receive God’s blessings for standing up to an adult whether it is a teacher, neighbor or family member. For years Vanessa struggled with understanding what to do in these situations. Children are to be seen and not heard were the words she heard adults repeat over and over again. Besides, no one would have believed her anyway. She closed her eyes and clinched her teeth tightly together as Brother Preston ran his finger down the side of her face sweeping her long hair towards her back. His eyes were old, a blue circle around his pupil and the skin beneath puffed into a small pillow. Vanessa felt humiliated as Brother Preston pretended to pray and cast demons from her soul asking God to forgive her and cure her disobedience. She hoped he’d make this quick. From upstairs she heard someone begin to sing “I am so grateful that I have Christ in my life”. She knew it was altar call. She imagined people starting to make their way towards the front of the church where they gather at the altar. The choir quietly hummed the chorus as Sister Odessa once again took lead of the song. Vanessa closed my eyes tight and tensed her body as he completed what he wanted to do. She wasn’t sure if it would be beneficial for someone to catch him because she more likely would be labeled a slut and probably a home-wrecker anyway. His hands were cold on her thighs as he cupped her entire buttocks in one hand. She shrilled and jumped pushing him away as hard as she could and ran back upstairs. She couldn’t believe how easy it was to overpower him. All this time she never realized how fragile he really was. Her heart was thumping so loud that she could hear it herself. She was so nervous that she forgot what she’d come downstairs for anyway. She kept her eyes straight as she made her way back to the choir stand hoping no one saw the sin that she was feeling guilty of. She thought about all the times her mother told her to never speak a word against an adult or God was sure to punish you with his toughest raft. She knew that spilling a word of what she just experienced would be an abomination to her soul and there were no way she was going to go to hell. Sister Hester saw the fear in her eyes. Vanessa swallowed hard several times until the tears that burned her eyes were no longer trying to escape. Throughout the remainder of the service she kept thinking how easy it was to escape his grip and how stupid she was to let him do what he was

doing. She thought of all the things she could do to him now and how much she could hurt him. Guilt tried to consume her thoughts, but she wanted so badly to make him feel as humiliated as he has made her. She looked around the church and wondered how many of the other girls were experiencing his wrath each time they went into the basement or was he just attracted to her. Either way she was now convincing herself that that was the last time. The most memorable time was the evening during one of the revival services that Chelsie, at the age of eleven decided to open up the testimonial service by praying that God give her enough courage to say what she had to say. She focused her eyes upon the clock on the back wall so she wasn’t threatened by any adult neither did she want to stop until she was finished. She began by thanking God for strength enough to stand against the spirit of Satan and force of Satan. Everyone became curious to what she was about to say. With God as my witness, she spoke into the microphone the next time Brother Preston put his hand up my skirt I’m going to stab him. Silence dominated the room. The adults looked from one to the other amazed as they tried to figure out if they heard her correctly. Her mother almost choked on the peppermint ball that was in her mouth, but Chelsie stood strong looking upon the crowd from face to face waiting for someone to say something. Her mother rushed to the front of the church to snatch her away from the microphone, but Sister Shannon blocked her way giving Chelsie the opportunity to finish her testimony. An Amen echoed from the rear of the church as Debra stood up in agreement. Then Mika stood to Debra, then Sharon and Ashley and Megan. The children now realized that they were in control of this moment. Mr. Donovan began to roll his fingers across the keyboard in an attempt to cause an interruption of what was about to stir. Nancy stood up, then Karen stood up, then Nicole, Amy and Elaine. Vanessa was frozen as she watched the look on her mother’s face daring her to the group. The girls looked in her direction. Vanessa dropped her head and pretended not to see them when a pen poked her in the thigh. She looked over to her left. Sister Hester threatened to poke her again. Don’t be afraid she whispered, stand up for your rights. With her back turned towards her mother Vanessa rose from her seat and started moving towards the center aisle. She just stood there staring at the cross that hung lovingly behind the pulpit. Jacqueline came and stood behind her and when the other girls realized what she was doing they followed pursuit. Each girl stood with their hands on the shoulders of the girl in front of them. The adults began to feel powerless as they just stared at the dusty red carpet beneath their feet Chelsie became bewildered as the other girls looked to her for assurance of what to do next. After all she was the one who

started this action and they thought for sure she had a plan. She looked over towards her mother who was now huffing a quiet stare directly into her face. She knew that she was in trouble, but it was too late to back down now. She needed to think quickly so she began to walk slowly to the far end of the altar and knelt. Soon all the girls were bowed for prayer. Vanessa was so proud of Chelsie’s audacity, but at the same time felt defeated because she wanted to come up with a plan to bring Brother Preston into the spotlight. It wasn’t long after that that the Coleman family was no longer a part of the congregation. Vanessa wondered what happened to Chelsie and her family and what the church did to Chelsie for her boldness. Were they cast away from the church never to return again? Vanessa thought the next time they lay eyes on Chelsie she would surely be crippled, lost her mind or something extreme to that matter. This would be the punishment for exposing that perverted old fart. God would bring down his wrath upon her for speaking against and adult? Vanessa would prefer that her children were not associated with this church, but the decision and control was out of her hands. Her mother was still a member and Brat was in control. This made her heart ache as she felt completely invisible. It seemed like a whole new world behind the big white double doors. Aaron and Tasha broke off to the left and Brat-Brat lead Leon by the hand into a room of smaller worshippers. The kids were sitting on the floor in a circle when a girl shifted to make room for him. Brat-Brat disappeared without saying a word which left Vanessa standing in the middle of the hallway wondering what to do next. Vanessa entered the Sanctuary and looked around. The freshly painted walls made the white ceiling look so heavenly. The carpet was now a royal blue to match the trim around the stained glass windows. There were banners hanging above the pulpit to remind each auxiliary of their purpose as a Christian and disciple of Christ. She watched for a while as the activity leader instructed the children to stand and stretch. By the time Sister Lyndal pressed the button on the CD player the children was full of energy and ready to practice their parts. They rose from their seats and began to spread out throughout the room at assigned spots as they waited for her cue. They all began to step in rhythm as the music played. They raised their hands and danced gracefully for the glory of God. Tasha entered the Sanctuary and walked behind the podium. She picked up the microphone and began singing as she paced back and forth also to the rhythm of

the music while waving one hand up and down. Brat-Brat’s back was towards Vanessa as she led a group of children to follow as back-up singers. It brought back memories of the good times when they were children involved in church activities. The only difference is that the music now is much more potent and erythematic. Vanessa loved the fact that the kids loved what they were doing. She’d never heard Tasha sing to anything other than the radio. She had no idea Tasha had such a beautiful strong voice. When the song was done one kid approached the podium, opened the bible and raised both hands in the air and began to recite: enter into his house with thanksgiving and into his courts with praise. Upon that cue the rear doors opened and children began to playfully rush in, some skipping, some jumping and some in a slow spin waving colored flags and ribbons tied to a short pole. The choir was already rocking from side to side on beat. Children as small as four years old began to skip down the side aisles. The whole room was like an energy explosion in living color. Flags were waving, people were dancing and the Holy Spirit was uplifted with the most praise. Vanessa became excited simply because her children were excited. She totally forgot about the tiredness in her legs from the walk up the hill. She felt as if she could start jumping for joy any minute. It was obvious that these children were doing something that they loved. Now that everyone understood what their roles were Mrs. Jackson came with the final announcement and instructions for tomorrow’s service. She again assured the children that tomorrow is “your” day and you all will carry the service from beginning to dismissal. Does everyone know what colors they will be wearing tomorrow? Everyone shook their heads up and down. O.K. then let’s close out in prayer. On the way home they stopped by McDonald’s for lunch. Vanessa visually examined each of her children one at a time. They have grown so much. Tasha’s small waist and slender legs was no match for the load she carried in the chest area. Aaron was almost as tall as her and Leon nearly touched his shoulder. She wanted to grab them and hold them close and capture the time she lost. She watched the way they interacted with each other. She had to it that the respect that they showed for each other was amazing. No bickering, no fussing and no fighting and the upmost respect that they showed for Patricia was equally impressing. It was delightful just to watch them. I picked up some Redbox movies, Vanessa announced. Leon responded first, are you coming to Auntie Brat’s house so we could watch them? No, she responded we’re going back to Mama’s house. But tonight is the night we sleep at Auntie Brat’s house he

whined. Vanessa looked up at Brat-Brat who was standing with one hand on her hips and smirking her lips with her head tilted to one side. Vanessa asked, don’t you guys want to spend some time with me? Aaron stated with assurance Auntie Brat doesn’t mind if you come. His boldness caught her by surprise which caused her to focus on him for a moment realizing that the decision had already been made and there was nothing she could say that would adjust their plans for the evening. Tasha brought a tray to the table and began ing out burgers. Tasha, Vanessa called to her are you going to Auntie Brat’s house too? Yes mom she replied without a thought; we always spend the night with Auntie Brat on Saturdays. Just as Brat-Brat reached the table with the drink cups Vanessa felt that she had already been omitted. Unfortunately the respect that her children showed when communicating with each other was not something they inherited from her and Brat-Brat. She knew if she go to Brat-Brat’s house they are only going to argue all night about petty crap that probably didn’t even occur years ago because to tell the honest truth, Brat doesn’t even know what occurred years ago. They never had a sisterly relationship. When Leon returned from the drink fountain he asked, Mom are you coming? Vanessa smiled at him as said I doubt it I want to go talk with your grandma for a while. Maybe next time baby. When Vanessa returned to the apartment she used her old key to let herself in. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table watching out the window upon the playground. She uses the staring out the window technique as a decoy to hide her depression and escape to her own thoughts. Most of the time when she’s in that mood where she doesn’t want to be bothered and her way of showing this is to begin humming a hymn, usually “Savior, Savior hear my humble cry while on others thou art calling do not me by”. Vanessa knows Mama’s not exactly watching the children play, but she is however paying attention to see who had a new baby and count how many kids each woman has now and how many baby daddies are actually in the life of these children. She can tell you who has moved in and who’s moving out. She not just the neighborhood watch, she’s also the neighborhood gossip queen though no one knows that but her. She knew a bit too much about everyone’s business. Vanessa dropped her purse on the sofa and plopped down in the chair across from her. So, how was your trip? Mama asked. My trip was fine Mama Vanessa replied and planted a kiss on top of her head, but I thought I was going to spend some time with the kids. Mama cleared her throat then replied, there’s no reason

why you can’t spend time with your children, baby, but you can’t expect to come here unexpectedly and take them away from what they love to do either. They look forward to Saturdays at their aunt’s. If you want to spend time with them you have to go to them. Vanessa inhaled and let out a disappointing huff. I’m the parent, she thought to herself, why do I have to go to them? There was no way she could express this without getting into a pissing contest. She rose from the table and walked into the bathroom. Tears began to well up in her eyes. From the welcome she received the minute she entered the door she thought about collecting her bag and getting in her car and going back to Madison County. Am I losing my kids? She mumbled into the mirror. I’ve already lost my husband. I don’t want to lose my children. It seemed that things around her were moving quickly and she was standing still unable to grab ahold of anything. Nothing was making sense to her at all. She walked into the bedroom that was now designated as Tasha’s room. It was a typical teen room. The bed was unmade and shoes were scattered about. She thought about cleaning the mess just to have something to do while trying to avoid another conversation with Mama or while trying to figure out how to express her feeling about this whole situation. Why does it even matter? What they see is that Tony is advancing with his optometrist license and the store front that he rents in the mall is making a successful life for him and his family. Lisa is advancing as the manager of the payroll office at the hospital and I can’t seem to get it together. The guilt of failure had overcome her. She sat on the bed and began looking around the room, not for anything in particular she just wanted to get her mind off what she was thinking. There was a writing tablet on the floor next to the bed and an empty glass on the nightstand. Don’t be going through her things, Mama yelled from the kitchen. Vanessa rolled her eyes and whispered, whatever! She picked up the glass and took it into the kitchen and placed it in the sink. Mama, don’t be spoiling my kids she teased trying to break the monotony; you know I’ll be coming for them soon. And take them where? Mama protested. Do you have a job? And where are you living? Mama, those are my children Vanessa replied. I can come get them whenever I want to. What would be your purpose Mama protested, you can’t possible expect them to just sit and wait for you to get it together. Just because you lost that man doesn’t mean anything, she continued, there are plenty of fish in the sea girl throw your hook back out! Vanessa looked into Mama’s eyes to perceive the seriousness as she spoke. Why does everyone assume I’m drowning with a broken heart? Perhaps that marriage was destined for hell, but because we stayed together so long is why three kids came out of it. My life isn’t over and I’m not at all upset over the break-up. But

once again, there’s no need to try and explain that. Although that’s what Vanessa kept telling herself she knew deep inside she was still hurting for the man she had loved so dearly for so long. Vanessa walked into the living room and turned on the television. She pulled a pillow into her lap and wrapped her arms around it. She felt more alone here than she ever. Her heart was breaking for her children and she wasn’t even in a situation where she could do anything about it. She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, but when she opened her eyes the apartment was in total darkness except for the light that glowed from the clock radio sitting on the mantel and the glow coming from the microwave in the kitchen. The moon was shining bright as it illuminated against the wall mirror which offered a bit of light that allowed her to find her way into the bathroom. Light from the television was glowing from beneath Mama’s bedroom door and the apartment was in complete silence. For some reason Vanessa felt the need to sleep in Tasha’s bed, so she walked into the room and closed the door behind her. She hesitated to turn on the light in fear that she might be convicted for being in the room to begin with. She felt at the foot of the bed for her bag and pulled out a night gown. Through the glow of the street light she noticed a piece of paper taped to the back of her door that almost seemed to wave at her. It had small writing and a lot of lines. She dug into her purse until she felt her eyeglasses. She walked over to the paper and recognized it to be a report card. She pulled it from the door and carried it over to the window. It began with Social Studies; 95, English; 98, Reading; above average, Science; 98, Performing arts; excellent. She smiled to herself. She really don’t want to be selfish and she don’t really want to take the kids away especially since they are doing so well, but she’s been making arrangements for them to be a family again and that’s just how it’s going to end up! She thought about how much she loves her mother and appreciate all that she’s doing, but the agreement is what it is and nothing about it is going to change as far as she’s concerned. She woke up with the report card lying on the floor next to the bed. She realized that she must have fallen asleep with it in her hand. After taping it back to the door she opened the door and went into the bathroom to shower. The air was already filled with the smell of Maxwell House and Mama was sitting at the table in a full slip and house slippers drinking a cup of coffee. Other than good morning Vanessa didn’t want to say anything else. For the way she’s feeling right now she’d rather get a cup of coffee from McDonalds on the way to church.

She threw her suitcase in the car and closed the trunk. Mama was climbing into the enger seat. The corner of her coat fell onto the ground as she plopped down. Mama was no longer a small woman and there wasn’t much room left between her and the dashboard. Before Vanessa closed the door she reached underneath mama’s legs and pulled the center bar to let the seat slide back bit. Mama made a lot of small talk as they traveled. Stop by Brat-Brat’s she requested, I already told her we were coming to pick up the children. Vanessa was already traveling up Grover Hill Road and had to cut across to the Concourse. When they reached the building Brat-Brat and the children were standing on the stoop. Tasha had on a pink blouse with a navy blue skirt, Aaron had on a lavender shirt with navy pants and Leon wore a yellow shirt with navy blue pants. Each of them had a stick with a colorful ribbon matching their top. They were entertained by waving it around catching as much wind to cause it to sail through the air. As soon as Vanessa pulled near the curb and stopped the car Leon pulled the door opened and jumped in. Good Morning Mommy, Good morning Grandma he echoed. He clicked the seatbelt into place and smiled at Tasha who rolled her eyes at him because this means she has to climb to the rear. Church service was nothing more than an awesome worship experience. Vanessa left the building with her spirit renewed. She felt as if she had been re-fueled and her spiritual vessel was overflowing and she could truly make it another step of the way. The kids ran to the car and waited for her to unlock the door. She didn’t have the heart to tell them that she hadn’t planned to take them back home because she needed to get back on the highway before dark. Her stomach was beginning to rumble which reminded her that she hadn’t eaten anything yet. Aaron teased Tasha about the mistakes she made in her solo. Tasha replied, it sounded better than the note you didn’t hit implying to the fact that he didn’t sing solo at all. Brat-Brat scolded at them to settle down. Mama, Brat-Brat asked, did you bring the rent check? Mama reached into her purse and handed a check to Brat-Brat. Oh, Vanessa thought, so that’s how she could afford her own place. Once the Goodbyes were said and the hugs were done Vanessa headed for the George Washington Bridge. She never even got a chance to tell Mama about her new job. She doesn’t think she would have cared anyway. Everybody seemed to be angry at the simple fact that she even showed up. Vanessa stopped by the mailbox to retrieve the collection of the weekend mail. Six hours of mentally scolding herself for not being where she want to be in life

was too much thinking for one day. There was a bunch of magazines, store fliers and bills. Then there was a letter from Tasha. She never made mentions of a letter. No wonder she seemed so distant. She’s probably thinking I don’t care since I didn’t mention it Vanessa thought. She opened the envelope and found a copy of the report card. There’s one more semester left before graduation. My baby is going to High School, she thought. Attached to the report card was a sheet of paper. A picture that was cut from a magazine was glued onto the paper. It was a picture of a school building. The front door read: Performing Arts Vocational High School. I suppose she wants to follow in her aunt’s footsteps and grace the stage. In her two-page letter Tasha explains her plans for the future and how she talked these plans over with Mama and Auntie Brat. The remainder of the letter became a blur as Vanessa began wiping tears from her eyes. Her entire life has been a total mess from Todd to Kennedy. A tear rolled down her face as she wondered why God was punishing her. She moved about the house slowly cleaning up the array of items that was out of place. Her thoughts were as scattered as the clothes and shoes. She tried to figure out what she had done to make God so mad. Perhaps he brought her to New York this weekend to show her where it all began; at the altar complaining about Brother Preston. Perhaps it is true that her blessings were cut when she was a child. The mere thought of her life shambles were beginning to rouse her and she’d gotten to a point to where she convinced herself that she no longer cared. God has the power to do whatever he wants, she mumbled. She looked up towards the ceiling and screamed, I give up – have it your way – if you want to take me, take me. My kids are settled, my husband is settled, everyone is settled but me, so who cares? Her anger with God was at the point that she broke down in tears so hard that her body trembled like a tree in a windstorm. She was so out of control that she didn’t know what to do next so she threw a shoe at the mirror and knocked it off the wall. It fell so hard onto the floor that the frame disconnected from the backboard and glass was in tiny pieces all over the floor. She fell onto the sofa and found herself in a drunkard sleep. This feeling left her half sleeping and half awake. She didn’t know if she was dreaming or having an out-of-body experience. She felt an indent in the sofa near her feet as if someone had sat there. She realized that she was the only person in the house, but she felt her body lift up from the cushions and someone was anchored behind her holding her in their arms. Although she was aware of the events of the evening she had no control of her own body. She didn’t know who this was that was holding her, but it seemed so real that she allowed herself to wallow in the security of their arms. They walked along a worn path through

the forest. Everything was bright green, crisp and shiny. On the left were beautiful Ivy vines surrounding a pond of lively colored fish playing joyfully in the spring waters and on the right were thick and healthy trees with branches that stretched out as far as to touch the next tree. The leaves were slowly swaying back and forth from the force of the wind. Suddenly she looked around and found that she was walking alone. She wasn’t afraid, or lonely, or lost; just the peace and tranquility of the Heavenly father was upon her. Joyful sounds of children playing was in the distance; she looked, but she couldn’t see her children however their voices were close upon her. When she awoke the next morning her body was in such a calm state that she had to touch herself to realize that she was awake. Her mind was at rest and she had energy that she hadn’t felt in a long time. On her way towards the shower she stopped by the mirror in the upstairs hallway and noticed that her skin seemed to hold a bronze glow. The memories of the night before were still on her mind and she still wondered whose spirit was it that came to comfort her. As Vanessa entered the office Eva was just turning on her computer. She paused to look at Vanessa and said you look different today. Did you change something about yourself? Vanessa smiled and said nah, but thank you. The feeling of relief and comfort remained with Vanessa throughout the day and there were times when she had to really concentrate to get her work completed. She loved that feeling and embraced it whenever anyone tried to test her patience. When Vanessa reached home she plopped down on the sofa and wanted to kick off her shoes, but the broken glass from the mirror was still on the floor. She allowed her head to relax into the folds of the cushions just to take a short breather. Her stomach was rumbling and she began to make a visual meal with the bits and pieces that she had in the refrigerator. Although it was only seven twenty five it was really dark outside and the streets glistened from the rain. She made herself a sandwich and turned on the television before picking up the telephone to call Lisa. Lisa always seems to be happy to hear from her although Vanessa felt that Lisa’s interests weren’t always genuine. The fact that they don’t speak often has nothing to do with a falling out through time they just fell apart for no vile reason at all. Vanessa’s not blaming anyone for that she just wish they could become close again. This is something that she conversed with Lisa the last time they spoke. Vanessa and Lisa had a close relationship as children and the weekend that Vanessa came from the girl’s home to visit they made a vow to never allow their relationship grow apart. They were too young to realize that

love would reprogram their lives. It seems that the relationship with Lisa changed the day she left to live with Kennedy. Perhaps it created the out of sight, out of mind effect. It seems that every time they speak Vanessa’s complaining about how she feel deserted by the family and maybe things would be different if she hadn’t gotten married and left. Lisa realized that Vanessa is feeling the embarrassment of a failed marriage. Although Lisa disagrees with Vanessa’s theory Vanessa feels that Lisa is entitled to her opinion may it be right or wrong. Vanessa started the conversation about Mama and her visit to New York. Vanessa, Lisa said, you need to understand the situation that Mama’s in. She’s lonely and no one really goes to visit her too often. And why is that, Vanessa asked. Mama lets Brat control her; nobody wants to deal with Brat, Lisa replied. Mama has been ing Brat’s bad behavior since the day she was born, Vanessa protested; I don’t know what Brat would do if something should happen to Mama. She’d be alright, Lisa expressed. People like that always find a way. But her rudeness and sharp tongue is going to get her into a lot of trouble, Vanessa continued. Lisa disagreed. I guarantee you if something happen to Mama Brat would change her ways, Lisa began to explain. She’s only like that because she can be that way around us. You have never seen what a different person she is when she’s around other people, Lisa continued. Yea, she’s loud and always has to be the center of attention, but that’s just how she is and that’s what gets her what she wants. She uses that tactic to intimidate people and make them think she’s in control and most of the time it works for her. Lisa began to tell Vanessa about Brat’s last job. She was pretty successful. She moved up in the company pretty quickly because they liked her demanding personality. She surely got things done by showing them that she was not only dependable but loyal. Because her boss was a slacker she enjoyed the fact that Brat handled the office in her absence. Brat took over all training for new employees and held them solely responsible for the position in which they were hired for. One year they received the highest award of excellence because of Brat’s determination. Within a year’s time Brat was promoted to Sr. Manager. So, Vanessa asked, what happened to that job? The company went out of business and Patricia chose to pursue her acting career and never went looking for work after that. Well, Vanessa questioned, how does she pay her bills? How do you think, Lisa exclaimed, Mama gives her money. When Brat decided to move out Mama didn’t fight her. Mama is still mourning Daddy’s death. I can’t get the scene out of my head about the day daddy died right there at the dining room table. This was the first time Vanessa heard details about Todd’s death so she was very interested. For a moment Vanessa forgot all about her troubles and focused upon

what Lisa was saying. Breakfast was on the table. Daddy woke up that morning complaining that he didn’t feel well. Mama brought him a glass of water and his blood pressure pills. He began to ingest the pills when a strange look came upon his face. He suddenly dropped the glass and grabbed his chest. He never looked up to see who was around when he fell out of the chair and onto the floor. Mama looked down upon him with no sympathy. She did nothing to help him. The look on her face was as if she hated his guts. I ran to daddy’s side. His eyes had rolled to the back of his head and his skin was turning a greyish color. His body was stiff and extremely still when his eyes closed. I grabbed the phone to call 9-1-1, but Mama said it was too late. She said when the good Lord calls you there’s nothing anyone can do. By the time the ambulance arrived daddy was already gone. The medic said he was probably gone before he hit the floor. I was angry at him and Mama for a long time. I blamed Mama for doing nothing, but daddy never even tried to fight either. He just laid there and let death take its toll. Patricia was still a small baby so she never got a chance to get to know her daddy the way the rest of us did. Since then Mama just sits in that window and occupy her time watching the neighborhood. I don’t think she really wants to be alone. She’s just so hurt. Not so much because daddy died, but because daddy wasn’t at all fateful to her or the marriage. They used to argue a lot about his openness to other females; and one day she saw him getting out of some woman’s car. The woman obviously knew he was married and wanted to flaunt the relationship. Daddy and that woman were uncomfortably close. They talked for long periods of time on the telephone and emailed each other daily. Daddy didn’t seem to care that he was in a position that he might get caught. It was as if he didn’t even care. So when daddy died Mama moved out of that old house and into this apartment just as she did when you left. I guess moving is a way of escaping the memories. Anyway, Mama puts up with Brat just as a reminder that she has children. Brat is the only one that calls and keeps up with her on a daily basis. If I want to know how Mama’s doing, I call Brat. Well, Vanessa continued, what about Tony? Tony don’t call Mama either because she depressed him. He sends her money and calls it a love offering just because he knows she could use it. Anyway, Vanessa, enough of that; how are you doing? Lisa asked changing the subject. Vanessa really didn’t want to talk about herself because the truth is, she’s not doing so well, but she doesn’t want anyone to know that. I’m hanging, she replied. I’m working. I just started a new job. I don’t want to bring the kids here until I am permanently employed. Well, what about Kennedy? Lisa asked. Vanessa instantly got an attitude. What about Kennedy? She growled. She don’t know if she’s angry at herself for falling in love with Kennedy or if she’s angry at Kennedy for being the punk he is, but the mere sound of his name makes her

think of all the hateful things she should have done to him when she had the chance. Lisa felt the premonition of the conversation and decided that it was time to end it. You know, Vanessa she said, you can get you a job here if you want. Vanessa cut her off quickly. I appreciate it but I don’t like living in New York. It’s just too congested for me. Too much hustle and bustle and things are just too expensive. Lisa took a deep breath and said you realize that Mama can’t handle those kids, right? Look Lisa, Vanessa spoke in her own defense I understand the position I put Mama in. I intended for those arrangements to be temporary and I am trying. Hopefully soon I can come get them off Mama’s hands and Lord knows they need to get away from Brat. Brat’s not the problem Vanessa; Lisa protested. As a matter of fact had it not been for Brat they wouldn’t be doing as well as they are. You need to get to understand Brat. She’s not as bad as you think. Vanessa did not want to get into an argument with the only family member that takes more than a minute to talk with her when she calls so she just said Alright Lisa and ended that conversation with that. You know, I wish we all were closer than what we are Vanessa commented. I think it’s a shame that as brothers and sisters we don’t talk on a daily basis. Lisa cut her off. She has heard this line more than enough times. I don’t understand why you say that, Lisa said, I talk with Tony and Brat all the time; you’re the only one that’s distant. While Lisa waited for a response Vanessa dropped her head and began to fight the tears that were forming. It’s been years since she’d felt like part of the family. It was Mama that sent her away and everyone acts as if she should make up for lost time. Then everyone was angry when she made the decision to marry at the Justice of the Peace instead of creating a big formal wedding. They felt that Kennedy was taking the cheap way out and like Lisa said, if you start letting a man treat you like he found love on discount he will never treat you any other way. Now Vanessa feels like a total fool for marrying Kennedy at all. Years and years of wasted life and all she got out of it was three children to raise on her own. Kennedy has no idea what’s going on with his children. It was as if he just got lost in his own world. It was exactly two months and twenty two days since Vanessa’s conversation with Lisa. She wasn’t sure if she was losing hope of just feeling sorry for herself, but she was burnt out. The only thing that kept her hanging on was the fact that she has kids to live for because it was that very moment that she thought about ending it all.

RUN SHOES RUN

It seemed like God was trickling down little blessings just to keep her hope alive. The six month probation period had ed and she was signed on as a permanent employee. That evening just as always Vanessa did not fail to give God the thanks he deserved for her advancements. She promised to let the anger from the past remain in the past and make today a new beginning. It’s now Thursday. The office is fairly quiet except for the sound of typing, rustling of papers and the blaring of Cathy’s radio. Everyone is trying to lighten their load before tomorrow. Normally on payday Friday, if everyone is done by three o’clock, the Supervisor would make the decision to close the office early for the weekend. That’s the only time you saw teamwork in action. Marlene has taken on the task of making sure everything is caught up so this can happen. As Vanessa pulled into the parking space that was marked for her occupation in apartment thirty one her eyes caught glimpse of a pink piece of paper taped to the door. The words “EVICTION NOTICE” was in big bold letters. She giggled to herself knowing that they must have gotten the wrong apartment. She was up to date on her payments and as a matter of fact, she’d just paid this month’s rent last week. The closer she looked at the notice she found all her information on it; name, address and instructions revealing that she have three days to remove her personal items from the premises or they will be locked in by order of the courts. The only thing she could think of was the episode with the blond girl at the rental office. That was more than three months ago and my mind has elapsed from that incident. She wondered what’s could be the problem now? She wasn’t too worried because she knows God is working in her favor. I don’t have much money in the bank, but I do have enough to go get another apartment, she thought to herself. I’m not going to let this situation deter me from what God is creating. She went to sleep assured that tomorrow will take care of itself. In a dream she found herself standing in front of an elevator. She heard voices which let her know that this was a two-sided elevator wall and people were standing on the other side. At the bottom of the wall was a hole in which a mouse was running in and out. She had a feeling that this dream had meaning to

her life, but how? She had no idea. She reached onto her bookshelf and got hold of the dream dictionary. First she looked up the word elevator. It warned about danger was threatening. Then she looked up hole. It spoke something about being in view. Next she looked up voices and it denoted something about pleasant reconciliations. Finally she looked up the word mouse and it foretold that she would be annoyed by an enemy using artful treachery. She concluded it all to mean that someone was intentionally sneaking around causing a ruckus, but it will all be o.k. in the end. What a way to begin a new job she thought as she stood at the window pondering how she was going to let her job know she wouldn’t be in today. For the first time she noticed how clearly she could see the rental office from that spot. She thought about the meaning of the dream as well as the incident with the blond girl. After calling in with what she must it was the worst impression of a sick call, she knew she had to work fast to accomplish as much as she could in this one day off. After filling out applications and being turned down by several apartment complexes the secretary at Meadow Brook Apartments informed her that her credit report shows an active eviction. Vanessa’s first thought was how the heck did it get on the credit report so fast? The lady continued explaining to her that no one is going to rent to her until that is cleared up. It dawned on Vanessa at that moment that she wouldn’t be homeless in less than three days, she’s actually homeless now. She thought about the woman with the five children and realized that she’s about to be that woman. The drive back was filled with anger and resentment. Just the thought of knowing that she’s in this situation simply because someone has the legal authority to do so was pissing her off more than anyone could imagine. The blond girl was now sitting at a desk towards the back of the room. Holding the pink slip of paper up in the air, Vanessa demanded an explanation and when she received no response she requested to speak with the office Manager. An older woman approached the desk. How can I help you? She asked. I need to know what this is all about, Vanessa begun. The woman looking at her and said, that’s an eviction notice in a matter of fact tone of voice. I guess a stupid question requires a stupid reply Vanessa thought, so she looked directly into the woman’s face and said, DUH! After pulling her folder the lady began to explain that it all began with unpaid October rent. Vanessa reached into her purse and pulled out her checkbook to reassure herself that she had not missed any rents and then showed the woman the copy of the receipt for that month. The woman then explained that regardless to what’s in her checkbook they don’t have the rent

payment. The look on the woman’s face was blank as if to say, that’s your problem not mine. Vanessa pointed to the blond girl and began to explain that she had come into the office on October third, pointing to the front desk she continued expressing that the blond girl was sitting at that desk which was now occupied by a red-haired girl and after receiving the rent check the blonde girl picked up the blotter and placed the check beneath it. The red-haired girl lifted the desk blotter and revealed the check holding it up to view. After giving the girl a squinted eye the manager immediately began to apologize for the mix-up. Being relieved Vanessa said, so we’re straight now right? Sure the manager replied. Vanessa then asked about all the additional fees to include late payments and court fees. The manager held up one hand and said, oh, hold on. Those are still your fees and it’s your responsibility to pay them. An argument erupted. Vanessa told the woman that she’s not paying for a mistake that she did not make. The rent was in the office on time. The woman tried telling her that her rent is not paid until it goes into her books. The woman’s voice rose an octagon higher as she told Vanessa to read her lease. Vanessa realized that this was a lost argument and through frustration she began to show her anger. Her last words to the woman were, look that was the mistake of your office and I’m not paying you any more than you already have! Vanessa then pushed the door opened and stormed out of the rental office. She drove over to the courthouse to grasp more of an understanding of what she was facing. After spending twenty minutes to find a parking space she was grossly angry when she reached the revolving door to the courthouse. The eviction notice instructed her to go to the Clerk’s office. There were several people standing in front of a small window trying to straighten out one problem after another. All the time she was waiting she was trying to predict what this woman could possible tell her to rectify this situation. As soon as she finished explaining the eviction to the clerk she opened a file that she had retrieved from a cabinet in the rear of the office and informed Vanessa that this is the third complaint filed against her by the rental office in which she have been asked to leave the premises and refused to do so. She had to focus on the name on the file to be sure the clerk had the right person because this is the first time she’d heard of this. The clerk continued by telling her that the first charge was filed on October fifth, the next on November fifth and the third on December twenty first. This is the reason why she is facing an eviction? Vanessa couldn’t believe that her unemployment check has ed the rent payments of eight hundred fifty dollars a month after month and then suddenly she’s being evicted for refusing to cover the cost on someone else’s mistake. The more the clerk talked

was the more Vanessa realized that this was not a mistake at all. It was no use of trying to plead her case to the clerk; she’d probably heard these type of cases over and over again. She can only tell Vanessa what the file reads. The clerk continued to explain to her that the apartment manager was given three letters in which she was supposed to forward to her and the fact that she did not give her those letters was no longer a concern of the court. When the clerk got tired of the conversation she handed Vanessa a list of shelters and sent her on her way. Finding a shelter that would accept her in such a short period of time was just another task to be completed; right now she need to find a storage unit before she find her things out on the sidewalk. Realizing that she wasn’t dealing with the most honest or nicest people in the world she searched the phone book for lawyers not knowing how to or how long it would take to clear these items from her credit report. She was in a mess and had no idea how to get out of it. She sat down on the sofa and evaluated the surroundings of the room. The next two days are going to be extremely hectic. On top of everything else, she hope she don’t lose her job in the process. The alarm clock buzzed at six. It was still dark outside. Her body was saying stay in bed, but good judgment was taking over and Vanessa set her feet upon the floor and began feeling around for her house slippers. She has a truck scheduled to be picked up at ten o’clock which has to be returned by five thirty. There are beds, dressers, nightstands, tables and a china cabinet amongst all the other things that has to be relocated and she still have no idea how she was going to do this all by herself. During last Sunday morning service the Pastor spoke upon leaving your umbrella of protection. He said sometimes we walk away not knowing what storms awaits. It caused her to wonder if it was wise to divorce Kennedy. She thinks about that umbrella of protection from time to time knowing that it had deep holes that were not repairable but she wondered if things would be different had she put an effort into keeping the relationship together. God knows she couldn’t go back to a man that believes God placed women in this world to cater to him and boost his ego. The bible speaks of women as a help mate, not a slave she murmured to herself. It took her a while, but she now realize that she was nothing more to him than a show piece. Besides Kennedy now looks upon her as if she was the crap he just wiped from under his shoes. In their last conversation he expressed to her how she couldn’t keep up her education or integrity to equal his lifestyle and because of this he couldn’t be with her any longer. He also expressed how he’s still not sure Leon is his child and that’s why Leon is

eliminated in the child payments. How dare he say such a thing! Does he realize that she put her life on hold to help him progress in his career? She thought she was upholding her position as a good wife and mother as the girl’s school taught her that this is what females are supposed to do. Now she was nothing more to him but an embarrassing shadow in his back life. Not only does he deny his relationship with her, but he doesn’t want anyone to know that they had children together either. Vanessa showed up at the storage unit ten minutes before they opened and walked around looking at the long rows of garage doors; the new location of all her possessions. This is the point where she needs to prepare herself mentally so she could get this done. It wasn’t long before a golf cart came driving down the row. She was greeted by a young man wearing a dingy brown uniform bearing the name of the company on his left shoulder. Once the introduction was complete the man invited her to take a ride with him back to the office. After completing the application process and received keys to the moving truck. She drove back to the apartment complex and backed the truck as close to the door as possible. Taking one deep breath she began situating boxes onto the truck. She placed a blanket on the steps and slid the furniture down to the hand truck. As many times as she’s counted those steps fifteen now seems like a hundred. After another deep breath she convinced herself that it wasn’t so bad. She inhaled and was off for the races. By the end of the day her body felt as if she’d been in a fight. Although everything was moved and the truck was returned the apartment still had garbage everywhere. She put one foot on the first step, then the second, third, fourth and the faster she thought she was moving everything was getting slower and slower. She sat down to rest on the top step. Her heart was pounding so hard she turned over and made a slow crawl towards the bathroom where she ran that final tub of hot water. A comforter was still lying on the bedroom floor which is where she found herself when she woke up. The street lights weren’t on either. She reached for the light switch and flipped it up. Nothing. Am I dreaming, she thought. Across the way she could see the highway. The only lights visible were headlights moving back and forth. The streets were extremely wet and there were tree branches lying about. As a matter of fact, the whole neighborhood was in darkness. It was clear that she must have slept through a storm. She looked for her cell phone so she could use it as a flashlight as she moved about the apartment. Her time was running short and tomorrow would be the last day in the

apartment. She had no idea where she was going from here. If only she could slow down time long enough to figure this all out. Between confusion, the dark and the hunger pain in her stomach she was so aggravated thinking about her situation that she began to gag and rushed for the toilet to relieve herself. She was afraid to think what tomorrow might bring. Vanessa sat in the church and looked around. She realized that the man standing at the podium before her was nothing more than an encouragement speaker. Even in the midst of her struggle for survival, for the first time she wondered what the preacher meant when he spoke to the congregation telling them to recognize the blessings that God has stored up for his people who believes and wait on him. Tears filled her eyes. She wondered where her blessings were and how much longer she had to wait. Her Sunday morning wardrobe has changed from a classy mid length suit to blue jeans and sneakers. It’s not hard to notice all the whispering and backbiting snickered in her direction. She wants so much to leave this church, but her heart keeps dragging her back Sunday after Sunday. She don’t understand why. Is God trying to make a mockery out of her? One of the things she was grateful for was the smell of fried chicken coming from the kitchen. It reminded her that she did not have supper last night. She pulled a peppermint from her purse and popped it in her mouth to keep her mind off the aroma. She tried to listen as the preacher continued to talk. His lips were moving, but her mind had already taken her a million miles from the subject. Although she was surrounded by a whole room full of people she felt extremely lonely. The drummer began tapping to the beat of Savior, Savior hear my humble cry, while on others thou art calling do not me by. The choir began singing and Vanessa found herself standing before the altar. Not quite knowing how she got there she stood with her head down. A woman stood before her and reached out to hug her, but Vanessa just wasn’t up for the phony crap so she pushed away and left the church. She sat in her car and tried to wipe the blurry vision out of her eyes. She stopped by McDonald’s and grabbed a burger and drink before slowly pulling up to the parking spot in front of the apartment. She sat there and stared at the building and the emptiness through the windows. She wondered what she did so wrong to be in such a condition as this. All she could do now is keep moving and hope for a happy ending. She spend the remaining of the evening gathering up whatever was left lying about and placing it in trash bags. The trash can was already filled so she sat the bags next to the can. She took a final look around and exhaled. Finished.

She put a movie into her computer which she kept for entertainment. Everything was so quiet that she could hear the buzzing of the streetlights. She removed the apartment keys from the key ring and placed them on the kitchen counter. She turned the lock on the door and pulled it closed behind her. Grateful to once again reunite with her favorite comforter and pillow she allowed her body to sink into the softness. She dozed off into a deep sleep. Even before the sun rose Vanessa began dressing for work. Realizing that this would be her last day in the apartment she took advantage of the peace and quiet. She came out of the shower in nothing but her stretched birthday suit slipping past the room that she had once prepared for Aaron and Leon. The clock was not trying to be her friend today and the rush against time was on. Right before running out the door she grabbed the list of shelters not knowing where she was going to lay her head to sleep tonight. She folded it into her pants pocket and grabbed her cell phone and the charger shoving them into her handbag. She threw the comforter and pillow in the trunk of the car, took one look back at the door and moved on. She kept telling herself that eventually everything would be alright. With a small prayer she decided before she entered through the doors of the Mason Teen Center that no matter what happens today she would keep a smile on her face. Lord, give me strength, she whispered before pulling on the door handle. I need to put a song in my head, she thought. So she began humming not knowing where she was going with it. Then she began singing Savior, Savior, while on others thou art calling, do not me by. This time the song had a whole new meaning and the comfort of the words gave her the strength she needed to get her day started. She tried to bury herself so deep into the performance of her duties that it didn’t give her time to think about her situation. She wanted to believe that she could ignore the likes of Cathy and Gladys today. It wasn’t going to be easy. When she entered the office Gladys was in Cathy’s office talking. Marlene entered the office to see what needed to be done and if anyone needed her help with anything. Today was also the day that interviews were taking place for new counselors. All department heads were in their beginning-of-the-week meeting catching up and comparing notes on each child, parent and guardian to ensure that everyone was happy and things were operating according to policies and procedures. Montel Jordan’s file was on the table in front of counselor Williams. This file is up for discussion because Montel Jordan turns eighteen this month

and has completed his accreditations for graduating with a High School diploma. Montel Jordan has been residing here for the past three years since he broke into his grandmother’s house demanding money. From the stories I’ve heard, he roughed her up pretty bad and she’s afraid of him. Therefore, it was from orders of the Judge that the grandmother be notified before his release from the center. When Counselor Williams ed the grandmother yesterday she faxed a copy of the restraining order, therefore Montel Jordan need to be rescheduled another court date so the Judge can instruct him upon his actions regarding the restraining order and instruct him not to his grandmother. Every time Vanessa took a bathroom break she snuck in a call to one of the shelters. The female voice on the other line sounded like somebody who had one too many sugar cubes in their coffee. Helping Hands Ministries, this is Liz, how can I help you? Hi, my name is Vanessa Parker, she replied, I just learned that I will be evicted from my apartment as of today. I was given this number and was told to call you to find out if you could help. What apartment complex was that? She asked. Vanessa replied, Green Pine Village while wondering what difference it makes. For a moment the phone went silent and then Vanessa heard a huff, whistle and sucking of teeth which led her to believe that this was not the first time Green Pine Village has played this game. After spelling her full name, giving her social security number and other information to complete the application the woman then asked how many children will be accompanying her. None, Vanessa replied, it’s just me. Ma’am, I’m sorry, but this is a family shelter Liz replied. Unless you have a child I cannot accommodate you. Perhaps you can call Willowood. Do you have the number? Vanessa scanned the list and found the number and thanked the woman for her time anyway. Willowood assured her that they could accompany her for as long as a bed is available, but if a woman should come with a child she will be asked to leave even if it’s in the middle of the night. From Willowood to Sharife, to Lincoln and on until she concluded the list and each time she received the same answer. Vanessa heard the bathroom door open and she hoped that it was someone entering and not exiting. Vanessa scrambled to get back to her desk. Her cell phone vibrated against the metal drawer. Vanessa opened the zipper on her purse and viewed the caller ID. Everette House. She hit the accept button, placed the phone to her ear and headed for the bathroom hoping to be alone. Just as she reached the door Cathy was headed in the same direction. Shit, she spoke softly hoping the woman didn’t hear her. She allowed the bathroom door to close and stood outside the door then whispered into the receiver.

Hello, yes this is Vanessa Parker. This is Mrs. Woods from Everette House. I received your message about an available room. Yes, Vanessa replied listening closely. When would you need this space? The woman asked. Preferably tonight Vanessa replied. The woman hummed with the sound of clicking computer keys as she checked the calendar. I do have a bed available, but first let me get some information from you. Your first name is Vanessa, correct? Yes, Ma’am. Do you have a middle initial? M. O.K. let me get your social. Vanessa listened quietly as the phone went silent except for more clicking of computer keys. Then the woman spoke again, Ms. Parker is there another name, a married or maiden name? Yes Ma’am it’s Landway, but why do you need my married name? Without an answer she continued to click the computer keys. Ms. Parker you are presently employed, correct? Yes, Ma’am. What is your annual salary? What does this have to do with me getting a bed for the night? If you need payment I can bring it with me Vanessa said, becoming highly annoyed with all the questions. Well, Ms. Parker, this is a privately owned establishment and for those women who come to us with a job we require twenty percent of your weekly salary for room and board. Twenty percent? Would that include meals? Vanessa asked

No, you are responsible for your own meals, do you own a vehicle Yes I do, why? We charge a fifty dollar a month fee for parking. So if my vehicle gets broken into while on your lot, will I get reimbursed for the damages? Vanessa inquired. No, it’s your responsibility to secure your vehicle and all that you own while in this establishment. This sounds utterly ridiculous, but Vanessa knew she wasn’t in a position to dismiss any possibilities right now. Is it possible that I can come and view the facility before I make a final decision upon staying? She asked. Yes Ma’am; doors open at six P.M. Can I complete the application process when I get there? Yes, Ma’am. I will leave it at the front desk for you. When you get here just ask for Miriam. Tell her that I’ve already began the process and she will continue it for you. Thank you Mrs. Woods. I will be there this evening. When Vanessa pulled on the bathroom door Cathy almost fell right into her arms. Along with an apology she offered a sheepish grin and darted down the hall into the office. Back at the desk Vanessa realized that she still had the phone book opened to the pages on storage units. Damn, she thought and wrote down the number to one that she placed her items into. She happened to glance up in the direction of Cathy’s office and noticed that Cathy was looking at her in curiosity. What the heck is her problem? She really needs to mind her business. Just then Vanessa’s phone rang again. Good Afternoon, Mason Teen Center, Vanessa spoke into the receiver. Hi, Vanessa. The voice was familiar, but the number was from an outside phone. Vanessa recognized the voice right away. It was Gladys. Vanessa suppose she was using her cell phone to make the call. Some of us girls were planning to meet after work and hang out for dinner and perhaps a drink at Carabello’s. Do you want to go? Maybe next time, Vanessa

replied, but thanks for the invite. Vanessa realized that Cathy was listening. Gladys seems to be a nice person, but she messed up when she befriended Cathy. She might not know Cathy’s capabilities, but in the short while that Vanessa have been employed here she’s seen Cathy do some wicked stuff to people who were supposed to be her friend. Vanessa has learned not to trust either one of them. A few minutes after she hung up, Cathy’s phone rang. Just as Vanessa suspected, it was Gladys and to her suspension she wasn’t calling from her cell phone. By the end of the day she watched as people gathered their belongings and one after the other greeted her a good night. By this time Cathy didn’t care that Vanessa was still sitting behind the desk, she was busy trying to catch up with Gladys for more daily gossip. Everette House was a small two-story building set off in the middle of Vinson Drive. There was no sign on the door. If she wasn’t exactly looking for it Vanessa would have thought it was a slutty motel. The front door was locked and a young black woman came to answer the intercom that was located on the other side of the double doors. Hi, she spoke into the intercom. My name is Vanessa Parker, Vanessa spoke back. I had spoken with Mrs. Woods who told me to come here. The door buzzed and Vanessa pushed it opened. Once she was completely inside the first door the next door buzzed. The woman extended her hand to shake Vanessa’s hand as she introduced herself as Miriam Soot. You can call me Miriam, she continued, is it O.K. to call you Vanessa? I don’t mind Vanessa replied as she followed her into a small room that was set as a dining area. There was several women walking around. Some seemed to be handling chores while others were sitting in front of a small flat-screened television laughing with America’s Funniest Videos. Several women live here, she began. Some come from abused relationships, some are in-between employment and some just need a place to stay until they find housing. There are so many reasons why people seek shelter at Everette House. Everette House is a safe haven for many and a quick stop for others. Here on the lower level we house eight families. That is women and children. On the upper level we have twelve single rooms. At the end of each hallway is a bathroom area. There are five toilet stalls and six showers. It is the responsibility of the attendants to keep those areas clean. We do not provide hot meals, however there are vending machines in which you can get sandwiches, canned foods and snacks. The microwaves are over there she said pointing to a table in the corner. Do you have children? Yes, Vanessa replied without much thought, then she corrected by saying I mean no. My children

won’t be coming with me. Do you have custody of your children, perhaps weekend visits, the lady asked. Vanessa repeated, my children will not be coming with me. Alright, the lady realized that she was in the wrong set of questioning, so she tried to change the subject by asking, so you only need one bed, correct? Yes, Vanessa replied. O.K. Vanessa, then follow me. She led her up a set of stairs to the second floor. There was a long hallway and many doors. All the doors were closed although some of them were marked with a yellow sticker. There was not a television area, a dining area or vending machines. Just a long hallway of doors. She stopped in front of a room with the number seven on the door. The lady removed the yellow sticker and placed a key in the lock and opened the door. The air inside the room smelled stale. There was a twin sized bed with no bed linen. The mattress was thin and a bit stained, but the room looked clean. In the corner was a small refrigerator. The door on the refrigerator was opened and the refrigerator looked clean. The curtains on the window were opened so Vanessa walked over to the window. Outside was a fire escape that led into the back of the building. This might not be the most decent place to stay, but it’s better than nothing she thought. Tell me how much you will be charging me to stay here Vanessa asked. That would be twenty percent of your weekly salary. The lady replied. I get paid every two weeks Vanessa answered with an attitude. Well, the lady said, here you have to pay per week. Let’s go back downstairs and do some calculations she suggested. The calculations had already began in Vanessa’s head. After completing the application process and listening to Miriam tap, tap, tap on her calculator the woman looked up at Vanessa and said, your cost will be seventy five dollars and ninety cents a week. That’s over three hundred dollars a month plus fifty dollars for parking? That sounds about right, she replied. What if I later need to bring my children Vanessa asked in curiosity? How many children are we talking about, Miriam inquired. Vanessa replied, three. And what are their ages? She asked. Twelve, eleven and five. Well, she began, that would be an additional five percent per child under twelve and five and a half percent for the oldest. Vanessa wanted to curse at her, but she held her composure. By this time Vanessa had totally forgot about the fact that she is supposed to be a Christian. She was thinking, you must be out of your damn mind. If I give you that kind of money I will never get out of this situation. Instead of speaking what was on her mind Vanessa thanked Miriam and told her she would call her first thing on Monday morning to finalize the arrangements. As Vanessa ed through the lobby she looked around and thought, how the heck can anyone afford this? They must be living on free money from the City, welfare, section

eight, or crazy checks. Vanessa pulled into the parking lot of Walmart and sat in the car listening to the radio for a while waiting for the area to clear so no one would see her crawl into the trunk. This was the most she could muster for temporary shelter while waiting for the court date. It made her feel comfortable to find a space next to the streetlight and to see security riding around. The last of three women ed and entered the store when she made her move. Throughout the night there were subtle movements that reminded her where she was, but nothing other than the cold that distracted her from getting a peaceful night’s sleep. Vanessa’s never been the type to retread her path, but there’s got to be a better way. Not many people would think of New York as a comfort zone, but Vanessa’s been giving some thought to the suggestions that Lisa proposed that she go back to New York for the purpose of getting her children together. The job search was just as rugged in Madison County as it is in New York. Last year she received so many W-2 forms that she wasn’t sure if she’d had them all when she went to file her taxes. The economy was in a mess. The fact that she’d receive more unemployment funds in New York meant she would have a roof over her head and she’d be with her children. She knew that that roof meant living with her mother and she wasn’t willing to do that. Tuesday rolled in and she was more than ready to get in out of the cold. She didn’t want to park in the same spot every night because she knew that eventually, someone would get suspicious. So she decided that tonight she was going to park in an underground garage at the Sempco building. Digging through a bag she received from Dollar Tree she located her keys and headed for work. As she neared the car she spotted a bright orange sticker covering the driver’s side window. Oh great, she exclaimed knowing that this was an illegally parked warning. It was a convenience while it lasted she thought, now I have to find another spot. Luckily, there was a restaurant along the way and it is opened for breakfast. After ordering a sausage sandwich she headed for the bathroom where she locked herself in so she could enjoy a moment of privacy and allow her body to adjust to the heat. She ran water into the sink and retrieved a washcloth and a bar of Irish Spring from her bag. She looked up into the mirror and wondered how the hell she was going to get out of this situation. Tears began to run down her

face as she applied pink hair lotion to my hair. Lord, I am your child, please don’t forget about me, she prayed. She removed her clothes and allowed them to drop to the floor as she used them as a rug to keep my feet off the cold tile. A chosen outfit that doesn’t require ironing only took a few shakes then she stepped into her pants and pulled the top over my head. She removed a pair of earrings from the pocket of her purse and put them on. One last look in the mirror let her know that no one will be the wiser to the fact that she spent the night curled up in the trunk of her car. Before leaving the bathroom she put in one more prayer. Lord Jesus, I realize that you are in control of my situation. I don’t quite understand why me, but for whatever reason or until you see better for me please keep watching over me. Let my children know that I love them and keep them safe too until we meet again. The cashier already had her bag waiting. She gave Vanessa a curious look and made it obvious that she noticed that Vanessa had on a completely different outfit. Vanessa felt a bit embarrassed, but did not smile back in an effort not to spark a conversation. She just retrieved the bag and went on about her business. Vanessa thought she could get through the day without Cathy mean-mugging every move she made. Vanessa don’t know why, but Cathy’s constantly trying to make her realize that she has some authority over her ing probation. Cathy was already into her routine of pulling folders for the clients that were due for counseling. Her radio was giving the latest details of the morning commute on Highway 64. The icy conditions created from last night’s snowfall is making traveling very difficult; the announcer was saying. If possible, use highway 264. The main roads have been plowed and trucks are putting down salt on the major highways. If you absolutely must travel, start early and give yourself enough space from the car ahead of you in case you get caught upon black ice. Cathy was dressed in a skirt that came down to her knees and met the top of her boots. No matter what situation might arise, Cathy always remained professional in her attire. When Vanessa entered Cathy refused to acknowledge her presence with a Good Morning. Instead she dropped a pile of folders in her file box and proceeded back to her office. This was an attitude that Vanessa was getting used to. To be nothing more than sarcastic, Vanessa walked behind her desk and turned on the computer and began reading e-mails. The URGENT box was filled with situations that occurred over the weekend. Pink slips, yellow slips, white slips explaining that students had to be relocated because of a fight, a student upset

because his mother did not come to visit, another carrying on with horseplay disrupting the sleeping unit in the middle of the night, situations that has already been handled leaving reports to file away just the same. Oh, Cathy exclaimed walking past Vanessa’s desk, you’re not even going to say good morning. Vanessa pretended not to hear her. This was her usual game of cat and mouse. Cathy and Vanessa have had issues since the day Vanessa was hired and Vanessa has already decided that she has no need to pretend to be cool with her. Gladys, however, seems to desire Cathy’s leadership not realizing that Cathy is only friends with her because she’s the secretary of the Director. One thing that Vanessa’s learned about Cathy is that everyone that she associates with has a purpose to her. One year of probation seems extreme, but those are company policies which was explained to Vanessa during the interview process. Cathy used to be a counselor for misdirected teens, however she fulfilled a promise to allow one of the boys to write a secret note in which she believed to be a love connection to one of the females. Little did she know the note had nothing to do with affection, adoration or friendship; the female was his codefendant in a case pending with the County and he was merely threatening her testimony against him. The female then ed her family and presented them with the note which brought the Sheriff’s presence to the Teen Center and Cathy was in more hot water than she could manage. It was then that Cathy found herself on the opposite side of the counseling table, but because she was good at her job and showed dedication to the company instead of firing her she was demoted to office clerk until they could decide what else to do with her. However, her secretary who chose not to report the information found herself on the unemployment line. Cathy considered herself to have credibility for things done in the past and people she helped along the way. This includes employees as well as clients within this company and several people she has befriended along the way owed her favor and this was the time to cash in that ticket. When Gladys finished her benefit packet and received her offer letter she was officially Secretary to Mrs. Chambers. The name plate on the door read: Eleanor Chambers, Director. The space below where the name of the secretary belong is presently vacant until the Maintenance workers create another plate. Little did Gladys know, she was about to become number one stoolpigeon. Cathy was good at manipulating people to gain her own self- worth. Cathy was trying to gather as much information about Gladys’ personal life so she could have tools to use later if she needed a favor. Through Gladys, Cathy felt that she could keep

abreast of events and future plans of the company; that way she appeared to be very knowledgeable of all transactions and the only way to know inside details were to get them directly from the head. Gladys was very much on the heavy side. She had a beautiful face and always applied her eye shadow to match her outfit. Sometimes her skirts would hang long in the front and too high in the rear because her behind was so huge. The red dress she is wearing today shows no exception. She probably shouldn’t have put the black belt with it, but I guess something had to match those heels that looked like they were screaming for mercy. Vanessa was silently beginning to feel sorry for those shoes. Gladys tried to show a positive attitude towards her new position, but through all her effort, the fact that she was easy prey shone brighter than that phony smile. Cathy, as I called at times a snake in the grass, was on a mission to regain the position she’d lost. She had worked her way up the ladder from Identification Clerk and took some courses at the local college and she believed in her heart that she was railroaded out of that position to make it available for the Captain’s niece. No matter what it took or how many people she had to step on, Cathy was determined to get restored. At the first sight of Gladys, Cathy came bouncing from her office. Hey girl, she pranced right past Vanessa as if she didn’t realize that she had come to work. Come on in, Cathy called back as she turned on the heels of her boot and headed right back to her office bouncing like a teenager on crack. Gladys tried to explain that she only had a few minutes before she had to report back to her desk, but Cathy proclaimed that it was O.K. because Mrs. Chambers hadn’t come in yet. Cathy needed gossip to survive so she convinced Gladys that Mrs. Chambers was stuck on highway 264 with the rest of the staff. Cathy exclaimed, besides, I have something to tell you. Gladys was down for some good gossip too so she cleared her behind from the doorway so Cathy could close the door. There was a lot of whispering and giggling coming from behind the door. Vanessa just shook my head in mourning for the future of Gladys. Good morning Mrs. Chambers Vanessa called out towards the empty hallway. Gladys suddenly swung the door open so hard that it hit the wall. She strutted as fast as she professionally could back to her office. The scene almost caused Vanessa to spill over in laughter. She wondered what Gladys thought when she discovered that Mrs. Chambers was not there at all. Good Morning Vanessa,

Lydia said after walking in and hanging up her coat. She took her usual seat at the front desk ready to greet anyone who came into the office. Good morning Lydia Vanessa returned the greeting from across the filing cabinets. Lydia was a pleasant person. She makes it noticeable that she doesn’t get into anyone’s personal business. She has informed Cathy on several occasions not to include her in her scheming. Lydia has threatened to bust Cathy several times when Cathy thought she could use her as an informer. Cathy knows not to pressure Lydia and the best way to do that is not to speak to her at all. Once the dust to the morning drama settled, the day continued as scheduled. There was an office full of applicants dressed in their best attire waiting for interviews for up-coming positions at the Teen Center. Cathy was too busy interviewing to kick up afternoon dust. So many smiling faces and hopeful dreams ed Vanessa’s desk in and out of Cathy’s office each time stopping to receive the Company’s Mission Statement and pre-hiring packet. It wasn’t until lunch time that Vanessa began re-evaluating her living situation. She wondered what would happen if anybody had an inkling of a clue where she would be sleeping tonight. On Thursday she has a meeting with a lawyer that she found in the yellow pages. Hopefully this will solve some of the madness and she can put this behind her and get on with her life. Looking through the glass doors the snow on the ageway was trampled and now covered with salt and melted the ice. Seniors in blue, juniors in yellow and sophomores in green. Freshmen wear beige pants and white shirts. All their classes are structured so that they have no need to leave the building. I don’t know who came up with this idea, but giving these youth a second chance rather than accepting the life of a High School drop-out is awesome. It looked like a mixed up mess of colors as people scrambled from one position to another trying to get to their homeroom for headcount. Vanessa made her way to the employee’s cafeteria to grab one of the free bagels before they were all gone. There was two left. She put one in her sweater pocket and opened the other to spread cream cheese and jelly. She felt like a thief and a mouse because the cafeteria was filled with employees on break and it seemed that everyone was watching her. To avoid any conversation she grabbed a cup of tea and quickly dashed out the door. Just as she put her hand on the door knob she heard my name called from a table

in the corner near the juice cooler. Amy and Lydia was waving towards her to them. Amy was a new mother showing off pictures of her twins who is not five months old. When Lydia asked Vanessa what her plans were for the weekend Vanessa almost felt tears burn the corners of her eyes, but she held them back with a smile and replied, my plans are pretty darn cold, pointing to the window. Laughter broke out as everyone agreed in regards to the temperature. Vanessa then excused herself from the table and exited the cafeteria. The East wing gym was emptying from students on third period. Vanessa carried her purse which was more like a small suitcase over her shoulder. Inside she had a towel, washcloth, soap and a fresh pair of underwear. Soon as the Gym was clear she quietly slipped all the lockers to the one private shower in the back checking to make sure she was alone. She quickly jumped into the shower for a quick splashdown. Before stepping in she checked her watch. Two fifteen. Surely she would be out by two twenty, dressed and back at my desk by two thirty. The water was barely warm as she twirled her body beneath, soaked her washcloth and began to scrub. Just as she turned the water off she heard the entrance door shut. Her heart began to race as she tried to dry off and step into her underwear. She saw a blue jacket appear around the lockers and stopped just before reaching the area that she was occupying. She was still half dressed when the door swung open and she found herself standing face to face with Cathy. What are you doing? Cathy screamed as if she was her mother. Vanessa pushed her, grabbed the remainder of my items and exited the area in an attempt to avoid any further conversations. Vanessa learned that the less she entertain Cathy’s drama, the better off she was. Vanessa know that She had just given her a weapon that she could use as another one of her tactics to hold her hostage by guilt and the next time Cathy needed a favor and Vanessa would be her pawn. But just like Vanessa has learned some of her ways, Cathy has also learned some of Vanessa’s and she knows it wouldn’t be that easy getting to her. Therefore Cathy decided that this was the perfect time to remind her that she was still on probation. I don’t know why she was at that end of the building anyway Vanessa whispered to herself. However, her secret was uncovered. She don’t want to explain anything to anyone about her business and the only two people here to witness this scene. Vanessa decided that if push comes to shove she would deny the whole thing. There are no cameras in this area and the only thing the last camera would record was Vanessa going into the locker room. There is no rule against

Vanessa checking the locker room. Vanessa had to think quickly. This is the point where she had to muster all the attitude that black women are naturally born with. She stepped close enough to make Cathy uncomfortable, placed both hands on my hips, looked her straight in the face, flashed a phony smile and said, girl I’m on my period. I’m flowing like a fountain. I thought it came through my clothes and I came up here to check. This looks like a bathroom to me she confirmed, is there a problem with that and since you’re following me did you bring a tampon? The look on her face was as if she was utterly disgusted; but it left her speechless which is exactly what Vanessa wanted to do. Just as she swung the strap of her bag over her shoulder Cathy spoke. You know this is a student shower. It’s for those using the Gym. Vanessa looked around and asked do you see a sign that says students only; besides, I’m on my lunch hour. Vanessa walked out leaving Cathy standing in the middle of the floor thinking of something else to say. She was relieved for just a moment but knew that this wasn’t the end of it. Vanessa was in a conversation with an angry parent when Cathy entered the office. The phone was ringing to the student counselor’s office. Cathy stopped at the edge of the desk and interrupted. Hi, she replied as she held her hand out for the woman to shake, I’m Cathy McKeithan one of the student counselors come into my office where we can have a discussion in private. Never mind Vanessa spoke into the receiver and hung up the telephone. The phone rang back almost immediately as Mrs. Cho asked if everything was alright. Sure, Vanessa replied, Cathy’s handling it. Five minutes till three and Cathy is still in the office with Mrs. Wilson. Marlene came into the office to distribute paycheck stubs and check to assure that all duties are caught up on when she heard voices coming from Cathy’s office. With her head cocked to the side and a sarcastically curious look upon her face she pointed in the direction of the office and asked what’s going on and why the door was closed. Vanessa shrugged her shoulders and pretended to be looking for something in the drawer. Who’s in there? She asked. I don’t know, a lady Vanessa replied. Marlene sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes and stomped out of the office. Looks to me like no one will be going home early today, Vanessa snickered. Payday wasn’t so fascinating, but it was money to live on. She glanced at her paycheck stub one more time before shoving it down into her purse. Actually, just like many Americans it has been proven that we’re all living at the

aspiration of whoever has access to our credit report. There were enough taxes taken to create a paycheck for someone else. Vanessa parked her car on the corner of Nelson and Amsterdam, one of the quietest neighborhoods in downtown. She looked around to see if anyone was watching as she slipped into the back seat and pulled the cushion forward to expose the trunk before slipping into the trunk to settle down for the night. Just before the lights went out in apartment 113 Deliah who was using binoculars to keep an eye on her brother’s drug transactions thought she saw movement in the automobile parked on the corner of Nelson and Amsterdam. When her brother Marcus entered the apartment she pulled him to the window and instructed him to keep an eye on the car. The car is unfamiliar to the neighborhood and some possible suspicious activities are going on inside that car she warned. Marcus didn’t quite understand why she was so ardent about that car, but he was glad his sister has shown an interest in watching his back. That corner which was chosen for his distribution point is known for weed transactions and he has bucked other dealers for the spot. Is this another one of their deceptions to get him to move his business elsewhere? Before returning to his routine business deals with regulars that intentionally travel in this area to pick up their evening stash Marcus cautiously walked around the car checking for anything that looked out of place. There were some books on the back seat and a pair of sneakers on the floor, but nothing that would make him think there was something to be worried about. After a while he forgot about the vehicle and continued business as usual. Once business slowed down Marcus ed that he was supposed to be monitoring the strange vehicle that was less than fifty feet away. He strolled over to the car and took another look inside. Nothing has been moved. He pulled at the handles of the doors and all were locked. He leaned against the car and continued to monitor the actions of the neighborhood while waiting for Byron to come pick up some of the cash he held in the band of his briefs. Late again, he thought. This fool’s messing with my safety and my livelihood. He hadn’t been in the game too long, but long enough to realize that Byron was not to be trusted. His mind began to wander through the underhanded deeds and dirty transactions he’s been through with Byron. He might be what some may call a Baby in the game, but being treated like he’s uneducated and need to be monitored in every aspect was beginning to get on Marcus’ nerves. Marcus has every reason to not

trust him at all, but Byron was Justin’s right –hand man and he had no other choice but to have dealings with him. Marcus was much younger than Byron, but Marcus has already made up his mind that the next time his money come up short by the time it gets to Justin, he was going to man-up to Byron and make him take responsibility for the shortage. The mere thought that he might come up short again dealing with Byron made Marcus angry because Justin has already given him the last warning about that. The thought of Byron being late again caused him to cringe his fist and punch the trunk of the vehicle to release his anger. This startled Vanessa from beneath the sleeping bag and caused her let out a yelp and jump up hitting her head on the trunk above. Marcus felt the impact and backed up pulling the gun that was tucked in the waist band at his back. He took two steps back and called out, who’s in there as he pointed the gun towards the vehicle. Vanessa’s heart began to race. She felt weak and confused. Once again Marcus warned for whoever’s in the vehicle to show their face or he will shoot. Deliah focused the binoculars towards the trunk of the vehicle. Vanessa yelled out alright as she crept from her position and eased down the seat cushion to where Marcus was now standing with a pointed gun in her direction. Come out of there he insisted as he slowly walked to the front of the car and focused his eyes upon the person crawling from the dark hole in the back seat. He was startled to see a frightened young woman appear from the trunk. What the hell, he whispered as he got closer. Who else is in there with you he demanded. No one, Vanessa yelled back as she stretched her legs to a sitting position. Marcus stood confused as he gripped his pistol so tight that his knuckles were beginning to feel numb. What are you doing in there? He scolded. Vanessa’s hands were still shaking. Can I get my keys out of my pocket she asked? Marcus allowed her to reach into the front pocket of her tight jeans and pull out her keys. Vanessa held up the keys for his viewing. He then allowed her to climb into the driver’s seat. Open the window he yelled. Just then Marcus spotted the silver Escalade cruising down the street. Byron, he thought. He looked at Vanessa and said you have two seconds to get the hell out of here, go, go, go, he yelled. He hit the side of the vehicle so hard that Vanessa jumped. Her hands were shaking as she forced the keys into the ignition and roared the engine. Marcus walked away to distract Byron as Vanessa peeled out of the parking space. The little street smarts that she thought she had did not comprehend with the loud popping noises that rang out in the distance. She imagined them to be gun shots but then again it could have been someone’s exhaust pipe blowing air. She almost lost grip of the steering wheel as her heart thumped one quick hard beat that skipped the normal rhythm. She made a quick left into the parking lot of the local supermarket and squeezed between two cars. She needed a moment to calm herself down

realizing that she narrowly escaped whatever just happened in that seemingly quiet neighborhood. Marcus was already scrunched behind the mailbox when the Escalade slowed down. He repositioned the gun back into his waist band, put a smile upon his face and slowly approached the vehicle. The rear window came down and Byron called for Marcus to come near. Marcus nervously turned towards the open window. The driver still had his eyes on the gray Honda as it made the left hand turn onto Greenwood Boulevard. Give me what you got Byron demanded. As Marcus reached into the front of his waistband to pull on the string that was attached to a small bag that held the cash a loud popping sound rang out in the air. The Escalade sped off before the body hit the ground. Marcus fell helpless to the ground. Deliah inhaled so deeply that she lost the ability to breathe for a moment. Her feet began to move before her brain gave the signal to do so. She tore out of the apartment and into the stairwell. One step, two steps and even three as fast as she could. It seems that her body could not keep up with her feet. She fell down several steps again and again until she was on the first floor. She bolted past a woman trying to get into the door with a shopping cart. The cart fell over and cans of vegetables were rolling along the ground. People were running and hiding behind anything they could find until the popping stopped. Nobody really cared where the sound was coming from or why, they just wanted to get out of the area as quickly as possible. Deliah reached the spot where Marcus laid face down. She fell to her knees beside him and rolled him over to inspect the damage. His shirt was already goosed with blood. She grabbed him in the chest of his shirt and looked upon the pain that still showed upon his face. Marcus she screamed as she stuck her finger in the hole that goosed from his chest. It looked like a volcano erupted. There was no stopping the blood that spurted upwards and outwards. Tears began to fall fast. She felt helpless. Her blouse was completely soaked in a matter of seconds. She looked around for help, but no one was near. She called out for help, but no one responded. Deliah grabbed his shirt and shook him as hard as she could screaming as loudly Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus showed no response to his sister’s distress. In the distance she began to hear the sounds of nearing sirens. You will not be known as a drug dealer she promised him as she reached into his pockets and grabbed the zip lock bag that enclosed the stacks of small plastic bags, she reached into the band of his sock and pulled out a small stack of ten and twenty dollar bills, she reached in his back and removed the gun. Lastly she reached into the front of his pants and untied the string that held the smaller bills. I love you Marcus she whispered as she rose and walked away from the body and away

from the scene. Her clothes were a mess of red wet liquid. People were watching her as if they were seeing a good movie for the first time. She pulled her jacket closed to try and hide some of the evidence. Her pockets were bulging with her salvage and some of the bills were still clenched in her fist. She sat in the window and wiped her eyes several times as she watched the Emergency Response Team pick up her brother’s body and lay it up on a stretcher that held a black vinyl bag. She watched them zip the bag closed and place Marcus in the back of the ambulance. I will never forget you she whispered. She sat at the window for what seemed like several hours before she made a single phone call to a family member. After stepping out of the shower she continued to watch the police investigate the scene. She quickly backed away from the window when an older Hispanic woman point to the building. She knew that it would only be a matter of time before the Police came to knock on the apartment door. She had to get rid of the evidence, so she unscrewed the heater vent and placed the items carefully inside and reattached the guard. She then entered the hallway and mopped up any trace of blood and dropped her bloody clothes down the incinerator shaft. The only thing she wants the cops to know is that Marcus Shaquan Dixon was her beloved brother. That’s all they need to know. Vanessa spotted a familiar sight, the silver Escalade was weaving in and out of traffic. Vanessa wondered if they were perhaps trying to catch up with her. She scooted down in her seat as if they could see her and concentrated upon controlling her breathing. She shook her head a few times before pulling out of the parking spot. Heading in the opposite direction she drove around for several hours. She thanked God for each night that he allowed her to make it through. She never realized how sheltered she was as a child not having to partake in the type of lifestyles she has witnessed within the past few months of being homeless. She found a spot near an apartment building that was guarded by paid security and drifted off watching the residents drive in and out. When she awoke the sun was peeking above the trees in Conner Park. It frightened her for a minute that she fell asleep in the driver’s seat, in the open for everyone to see her. She was grateful that the church was holding Women’s Conference today and she could occupy some time there just to waste the day away. She packed a bag with a change of clothes and drove to the Mall. JC Penney had a private bathroom on the second level behind the junior department which they called the family room. After locking the door Vanessa undressed and washed up in the sink. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair and re-dressed. She slipped her

stocking feet into her heels, collected her items and exited the store. When she reached the church activities was already in full swing. The visiting church bus was blocking the entrance to the parking lot which was already filled. Vanessa looked at the brightly colored bus and thought gee the church must be packed inside. Nearest to the door was a table filled with pictures of black figures featuring happy scenes of heavenly love. There were statues of angels with their wings spread wide and the people surrounding it seemed so dramatically happy. A woman stood smiling and greeting everyone that entered the door ready to take payments through cash or credit cards. Vanessa thought about the scene in the bible where Jesus turned over tables in the church causing money to spill everywhere. This is not my event she thought and kept moving past the hallway. Music was coming from the sanctuary as the choir bellowed for the glory of God. The color theme for the conference was gold and blue and there were ribbons and balloons cascaded about the dining room where the main meal will be served at twelve thirty. Sister Saunders was in the kitchen and the whole church smelled of fried chicken. Vanessa already knew what role she was playing for the day so she adjusted herself behind the table that was placed at the sanctuary entrance and began issuing name tags for new attendees as well as already paid tickets. Her presence relieved Cora giving her the opportunity to help out in the nursery. There were familiar faces and unfamiliar faces. People traveled from as far as Richmond to show off their Sunday best outfits. About two hours later she folded the table and ed those that were in the brown room, the room designated for the adult class. They were already in the midst of a discussion and Vanessa was trying to understand what they were talking about when a woman said, it must be a breakdown in the church families that we will watch someone suffer alone and no one wants to get involved. She spoke about how she once worked on a job with a church member and she heard that that person was about to get laid off. Knowing that this woman was a single parent she thought it was the Christian thing to do to warn her. The woman became so upset about the news that she went to the boss and declared how she was a good worker, come in on time, work overtime and even goes overboard to make sure all areas are covered. She mentioned how she works overtime and has even learned other areas to cover when someone else is needed in those areas. She insisted upon knowing why she was about to be laid off. The boss then began an investigation of her own to find out who leaked the word. This woman continued to explain that this is why you can’t help someone else because it’s like cutting off your own foot. I understand I’m a Christian she said, but I have my family to look out for too. Although this conversation seemed interesting, Vanessa’s spirit

was not ready to accept all this drama knowing that she might end up in the trunk of her car again tonight simply because people are afraid to reach out and help another person. She wanted to reply to the lady’s comment by telling her that a true Christian would open up their heart and their home if it was necessary to do so and let God handle the rest. The next speaker stood behind the podium. She was extremely soft-spoken, young and very attractive. The subject was entitled “Your dreams on hold”. She encouraged the audience that when it seem that all has failed the only thing you have to hold on to is God’s unchanging hand and the dream or vision that he instilled inside of you. She walked down from the pulpit with a stack of papers in her hand. She began ing them out in to the congregation. Everyone that received the paper had a confused look upon their faces and then there was giggling amongst them. I inspected the paper that was handed to me. It was blank. When she was done she returned to the microphone. She instructed the audience to take their dreams and put them on this piece of paper. Those who could draw, draw it and those who couldn’t just speak it into this paper. Then take the paper, fold it up and place it in your bible. Vanessa scanned the sanctuary. Everyone seemed to be busy thinking or writing. There were several people talking which led her to believe that they were either still confused or not serious about the task. Without much thought Vanessa began to draw a house. The walkway led to the front door which was ajar to view the inside. Holy Spirit, she spoke into the page, please enter and abide within. She continued drawing the living room area and three steps that led to a dining area followed by a kitchen directly behind the dining room. On the right were steps that led to the upstairs bedroom areas. Amidst the long hallway were three bedrooms and one full bath. The master bedroom was above the garage. It was accompanied by a master bath which included a spa like tub, shower and double sinks just as she had seen it on television home make-over shows. She paused before drawing stairs that led back into the living room. She was satisfied with her creation. She wasn’t sure if she was feeding too much into this idea, but she was excited about the project just as well. As she continued to add trees and shrubbery the speakers changed. As everyone cheered on the new speaker Vanessa had turned the paper over and began drawing on the opposite side. She drew herself, her children and her new husband entering from the rear of the building. She giggled to herself then folded the paper and placed it in her bible. By the end of the day she was exhausted. Those heels were hurting the instep of her feet and she wanted to get out of those clothes and put on something more relaxing. She packed a plate of food to take with her for later and laid it on top of the microwave. After assisting with the clean-up and dressing the altar in white

for communion she retreated to her car and for the first time today it bothered her to realize that she had no place to settle for the night. The thoughts dwelled inside of her, you know that weary feeling you get when you can sense that something bad is about to happen and there is nothing you can do to stop it especially when you don’t even know what it is. Friday nights on Nelson Street is usually filled with club hoppers. Most of the businesses are small privately owned bars, strip clubs or after hour entertainment. Vanessa has driven past this area many times, however the daytime is quite different than the night. If you wasn’t from this area you would think all these were respectable businesses at the end of a quiet business district. There were cars moving about blowing horns, music blasting from speakers, girls trying to press their way up to the front of the line causing a ruckus amongst the ones waiting to enter. Just around the corner drunkard men were selling sex from the back seat of their cars exploiting women in short shorts or skirts wearing no underwear for easy access. Vanessa was leaning against a pole alone and afraid not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Her options had run out and she had no place to go. She was entertained by all the movements in the area. She kept her eyes moving from one scene to another. She felt unprotected and vulnerable to the world. Yes, she could go back to the car, but there wasn’t much safety in that either besides the metal makes it seem colder than it actually is. The winter wasn’t cutting no breaks and she had already began to doubt if she was going to survive this task that God has placed before her. What exactly is it that I’m supposed to be proving to God that I can handle, she thought. What does he want from me? As she was watching the night life come into existence she wondered if she carried on with such foolishness when she was young. She heard someone calling “hey, hey, hey girl”. She looked in the direction of the voice and saw a man gesturing her to come to him. She began walking up the hill in the opposite direction of the man trying to ignore the unfamiliar voice. Don’t act like you don’t hear me a strong Jamaican accent angrily shrieked. Her heart began to race, Oh my God. She felt her knees getting weak. Picking up the pace, a quick walk turned into a slow jog and then a desperate run as fast as her feet could carry her. The footsteps from behind was pounding hard and the voice was getting closer. Stop, Bitch! Vanessa wanted to look over her shoulder but she thought it would slow her

down. She suddenly felt as if she was running for her life full speed ahead with no place to go. She paid no attention to the fact that the light was red when she ran out into the middle of the street. Cars skidded as they applied their breaks. Drivers screamed get out the street you stupid crackhead. She paid no attention as she ran down the yellow line that divided the traffic of the on-coming vehicles. She glanced over her shoulders again and saw the man slide across the hood of a vehicle in an effort to get closer. She have to do something different. She ran towards the bus depot which was just around the corner. Hopefully there’s a bus about to depart; where, she don’t care. People were standing idly waiting for their ride when she made a desperate dash behind the Plexiglas wall of the bus stop in an effort to put some distance between herself and the stranger that was chasing her. She must have looked as if she’d seen a ghost when she tripped and almost fell into a man practically knocking his cane right out of his hand. She didn’t even stop to apologize, she was too busy looking back at the angry tall man in the red jacket headed in her direction. His hands were flaring out to the side and she thought if he gets to me he will definitely kill me. He looked tired and extremely aggressive. His eyes were pierced upon her as if she’d done something to him. Her heart was beating so fast that she could feel it pulsating in the veins of her neck. Suddenly the man that she bumped into stepped in-between them and held his cane up high like Moses standing at the Nile River and the two men were face to face. Is there a problem here, the caned man asked? The tall man stopped as if he’d hit an invisible window. He studied the man with the cane for a minute then looked towards Vanessa and back again to the caned man. He wiped sweat from his forehead, inhaled and then exhaled very heavily. His steps suddenly became a short pace from the left to the right. He stepped to the side of the caned man as if to go around him when the caned man stepped in front of him again. Vanessa was out of breath. She know it took a lot of courage for the man to take up for a stranger he’d never seen before, but she was ever so grateful. She don’t know how much further she could have run before he’d caught up with her. She lingered behind the Plexiglas wall of the bus stop as the two men settled the score. She was so afraid the caned man was going to lose this battle. He was so much smaller than the man in the red jacket so she began looking around for a weapon, a stick, a bottle, something. Then another man saw the bravery of the first man and walked up to the scene. He stood next to the caned man in her defense. When the big man realized that these two men were not backing down he took a step back with his eyes glued upon Vanessa; we’ll meet again he threatened as if they were acquainted in some way. These streets will bring you back to me, he pointed one finger in her direction, and when they do you can be sure I’m going to remind you who you belong to.

Other people had already cleared the scene. The man then began adjusting his clothes as if he were straightening out wrinkles and with one final huff he reluctantly turned and walked away. Vanessa’s heartbeat began to slow down a pace. She didn’t know what to say to these strangers that just saved my life. She boarded the next bus that was pulling out of the depot and sat towards the back and paced her breathing until she was breathing normal once again. She had no idea where she was heading because she didn’t pay attention to the destination announcement that runs across the front of the bus. All she wanted to do was get out of the area. She checked her watch. It read two fifteen in the morning. She exited the bus at the stop in the Walmart parking area and walked swiftly towards the entrance. Still feeling uneasy and scared that the big man might be following her she adjusted her eyes to the darkness as she searched the lot as far as she could see. She didn’t want to look paranoid, so she kept the focus and concentrated on her pace. Just then she felt a pull on the tail of her jacket. A pull that she couldn’t release from. She screamed as she began to snatch and snatch until she was free to run through the doors. Adrenaline was pumping so rapidly that she literally fell to the floor. Her sudden entrance brought panic to the faces of the workers nearby and everyone was on alert for whatever might happen next. All attention was focused at the commotion at the door as she pulled her jacket off and tucked it into a shopping cart. Feeling the embarrassment of not knowing how to rectify the situation she tried to disappear between the isles. Her knees hurt from the impact on the rough tiles. Tears began to stream down her face as she once again tried to control her breathing. If God holds my future in his hands then why am I fighting this battle? Where is he, she demanded angrily. Does it count for anything that I was raised in a Christian household although it does no justice in training me for life on the streets. Neither does it exempt me from the dangers that’s associated with this routine of life. She began to pray, Lord Jesus, Satan is messing with my mind and I need your help to make it through this trial. I need guidance, protection and focus. Please don’t leave me Lord at a time like this. She found a family standing in front of the music CD’s and DVD’s section and pretended to be interested in the new releases while giving herself time to collect her thoughts. Her hands were shaking too violently to read the title on the disc. She inspected her jacket to find a huge rip and realized that it was probably caught on something when she snatched it free. Obviously, someone is going to notice that I’m not really shopping, she thought. I’d probably be monitored by security cameras for the remainder of my stay. That’s alright, this will gain me a

few hours until the sun comes up. She walked up and down every aisle in every department in the store picking up items from one spot and placing them in others. Most of the time was spent in the baby department, not because she had reason to be there, but because the cuteness kept her mind off what was really happening in her life right now. She became suspicious of every person that ed and assumed they were all watching her. Vanessa felt a headache coming on. She was so tired. So many thoughts began to collect in her head so fast that there was no way she could sort them out long enough to make any sense of any of them. She began to feel as if something was taking control of her inner spirit and leading her to do things that she knows very well is wrong. The last thing she wants to do is end up in jail. There are several benches within the store, but she’s afraid if she sit down she’s going to fall asleep and would eventually be asked to leave. She began playing games with her own mind by picking up every item she thought she would have needed to make a meal for the family. She imagined herself settling down at the table discussing daily events from school or just re-adjusting to normal life. Finally she saw daybreak above the cars in the parking lot. She grabbed her car keys and headed for the bus stop. Her car was still safe at the Sempco Building although she was leery about getting to it quickly and driving off. I can’t keep living like this she thought as she pulled up to the ATM machine and pulled out some money for a motel room. She slept the day away with the knowledge of knowing that she would be calling in sick tomorrow so she could finally make that court date. Vanessa sat in the courtroom and looked around. She was seriously angered as she looked into the faces of the blonde haired girl and the apartment manager as they casually carried on conversation that had them laughing on the front bench. She did not see the lawyer that promised to come represent her. In her hands she held tight to the pictures she had developed of the apartment before she left it. It was the only thing she had left to prove that everything was straight before she left. She already knew that these were not trustworthy people so she had to cover every ground in her favor. Finally, the lawyer walked in and looked around. Vanessa waved in his direction. The apartment manager rose and walked over to the lawyer. Vanessa was confused, what could they possibly be talking about. By the time Vanessa rose to

her feet they were shaking hands and separating. The lawyer came over to greet Vanessa. He instructed her to allow him to speak on her behalf. She really had no choice, she was at his mercy. Case number one twenty three dash twelve, Parker versus Green Pine Village, was announced. Vanessa rose and went to stand next to the lawyer. The blonde girl and the apartment manager was standing behind the table on the left. The judge opened a folder that was ed to him by the clerk. Young lady, he said, are we in court today to settle a payment of merely five hundred and fifty dollars? Before Vanessa could answer the apartment manager interrupted. Your honor, she said, that was the original amount, but now that there were damages left to the apartment that amount has been changed. She held up a piece of paper and handed it to the clerk who looked over it and handed it to the Judge. I looked up at my lawyer in confusion as he returned the look to me. The Judge flipped from one page to another and instructed the clerk to show these items to my lawyer. I peered over at the folder and saw and apartment in mere shambles. There were holes in the walls and closet doors hanging off. That’s not my apartment Vanessa exclaimed. She ed the envelope from her hands over to the lawyer. He opened the envelope and began flipping through the pictures. He then ed all the items over to the clerk which in turn ed them to the Judge. The Judge looked in the direction of the apartment manager and asked, why does this look like two different apartments? The blonde girl began to speak when she was hushed by the apartment manager. The Judge closed the folder and instructed the apartment manager and the lawyer into his chambers. Vanessa and the blonde girl was instructed to have a seat on the bench. When they emerged from the office Vanessa searched their faces for clues of what might have been said behind closed doors. They all had blank looks upon their faces. The Judge then ordered Vanessa and the blonde girl back to the table. Mrs. Parker, he began. Mrs. Williams of Green Pine Village apartments were instructed to release the debt placed upon your credit report. This is to be done immediately he continued looking in her direction. Your balance is one hundred twenty five dollars and fifty five cents. As soon as you go to the county clerk and pay that amount you will be free of this . Vanessa was relieved to hear that. She had that amount in her bank and was ready to pay it, however, the fact still remains that she was placed in a highly dangerous situation simply because someone chose to play games with her life. The apartment manager and the blonde girl walked towards the back of the

courtroom and out the door without saying another word. The lawyer gestured Vanessa towards the door. He was smiling as if he’d won the lottery. Once they had cleared the door Vanessa looked up at him and said, do you realize that I have been homeless for the past month simply because this woman decided to make me that way. Do you realize that I have been sleeping in the trunk of my car in the cold? Vanessa couldn’t stop the tears that was rolling down her cheeks. The lawyer looked into her eyes, shoved the paper into her hands and said, you won. What else do you want? He then put his hat on top of his head and walked away. Don’t think it was that simple. A month later Vanessa was still fighting to get this off her credit report. She had been back and forth to the courthouse so many times that she realized that this was nothing more than a clerical process and it didn’t seem that any clerk behind that glass was in any kind of a rush.

NORMAN

The tips of her ears were beginning to freeze. Vanessa looked from behind the tree and noticed that there wasn’t a single soul within eye distance. The drifting snow was blowing so hard that it made a mound near the bottom of the telephone pole and hid the edge of the sidewalk. She stood next to the electrical pole and looked up towards the sky. Large flakes of snow was slowly falling as left over feathers from a pillow. It delivered a sort of calm as God blanked the earth with white glory. As she tried to adjust her collar to cover her ears she noticed a figure walking rather swiftly towards her. She adjusted her thoughts to where she’d known this man. His cane was slipping as he tried to keep traction on the ice. You better get out of the cold young lady he suggested. Vanessa remained in place trying to figure out where she could go. She had already tried to get into several motels and all the rooms were taken. The man stopped and turned around looking in her direction again. Hey, he called out to her, you can’t just stand there in a blizzard you will freeze to death. If you don’t have anywhere to go I can help you out for a while. Just come on girl; I’, not going to hurt you. Her car was once again at the Sempco Building, but it was too cold a night to try surviving in the trunk. She was out of suggestions. The caned man looked at her in amazement then walked back to her and grabbed her hand as if giving her no choice. He pulled again to get her feet moving. The look in his eyes were stern and he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Her toes were already throbbing from the cold, so she didn’t put up much of a fight. As he let go of her hand he continued to talk while looking over his shoulder to see if she was following. You can trust me, I promise you I’m not going to do anything to hurt you he repeated. The tone of voice in which he spoke was calm and gave the impression that he wasn’t going to repeat the offer. Reluctantly, Vanessa followed as he crossed the street and disappeared through an opening of the trees where constant walking has created a path that led to the place where he would settle for the evening. It was a small hide-away surrounded by twisted vines and un-manicured trees at the edge of highway 109. Vanessa has driven this route so many times before. It is such a busy ageway how could no one have notice that people have created a home behind these trees. He unzipped a tent and invited her in. Hurry he insisted; I don’t have much heat, but it’s enough to help us make it through the night. Have a seat he said directing her to a milk crate that

was sitting next to a box which was being used as a table. After re-zipping the doorway he began fumbling around in a cardboard box. It’s not the prettiest home he said, but it will shield you from the wind. The wind is colder than the snow he said with a snicker. He brushed the snow out of his grey beard with his hand. By the way, he continued, my name is Norman. He reached out to shake her hand with the same wet hand that was still brushing snowflakes from his clothes. He had a firm grip, very strong. His voice finally made recognition to her. He sounds like the man from the bus stop, she thought as she recaptured the scene in her head. He got quiet for a moment, cocked his head to the side and looked at Vanessa in a strange kind of way. Vanessa questioned her decision to even be this close, but realized that it was too late to get away if she needed to. Then he spoke with a dry throat kind of raspy voice; I you. I you from the bus depot. He let out a small laugh. He cleared his throat and continued. So tell me honey, what is your story? He asked still fumbling through newspapers and clothing. He didn’t really want an answer, he just found it amusing that they would meet again especially in these circumstances. Vanessa tucked her hands deep in her pockets for warmth trying to unfreeze her fingertips inside the gloves that didn’t seem to have much protection from the cold. She did not answer. The embarrassment of that evening stirred up anger within her. There was no way she could rationally explain that evening to this stranger and hope he doesn’t look at her as if she’s a piece of trash. She just let him giggle his way to his own conclusion. He sat down upon an old mattress and peered directly in her direction. He began to speak again; you don’t look like you’re too bad off; so what brought you out here to these streets? Again, Vanessa did not answer. O.k. I’m not going to force you to talk, we’ll try again tomorrow he said as he laid back on some covers and pulled them up, turned his back towards her and covered his entire body. There’s another blanket over there he said, make yourself comfortable. It didn’t take long before he began snoring. The smell of stale breath began overpowering the cold. Vanessa grabbed the blanket and sat on the couch cushions that lay on the floor not more than two feet from him. She pulled the blanket up to cover her nose not only to avoid the smell, but the cold as well. Before long Norman was snoring loud enough to wake the dead. She watched the stranger that just invited her to share his space. Norman seemed to have been sleeping soundly. How could he be so comfortable not knowing if she was some kind of crazed maniac? His knees were curled to his chest beneath the woolen blanket that had THE SALVATION ARMY painted in red across it.

Vanessa wanted to sleep the time away in anticipation that the storm would quickly , but her stomach began to make lion sounds. The blue tarp that surrounds the trees was waving with the motion of the wind causing loud rustling sounds. She pulled her hair down to cover her ears before tucking the ends into her hood. She slid down beneath the covers and pulled her legs close to her body hoping Father Winter would stop being so harsh. She laid awake for a long time thinking about her living conditions. If God claims me as his child how could he let me fall so low she thought. She could only hope tomorrow comes for her because tonight for all she knows she could be lying next to a rapist, murderer, or criminally insane woman hater just waiting for her to close he eyes. She woke up the next morning relaxed. Wondering how she could have fallen into such a deep, hard sleep as she did. All her worries seemed to have dissipated for the moment until she realized where she was. She looked around and found that Norman wasn’t in the tent. She un-zipped the doorway and walked outside. The sun had already rose and was shining so bright that the glare on the frozen ice hurt her eyes. A woman at the far end of the park was extremely busy. Vanessa watched for a while to try and figure out what she was doing. Soon it all made perfect sense. She’s occupying herself by recreating the life she once inhabited. Her daily routines are very precise. They included cooking, sweeping, mopping and seeing the kids off to school. Her actions are not strange at all if you tune your ears into her conversations. She was talking loudly, although to herself. The dialect in how she speaks led Vanessa to believe she is very educated and knowledgeable upon current news events as well as past American history. Once she’s settled the family she got dressed and went off to work. Vanessa’s mind began to drift. She was reminiscing upon the conversations that took place in Valerie’s garage. She thought about her friends that she’d met along the way and wondered where they are right now. She would be totally embarrassed for them to know that life has taken her to this point. Her plans were to hold on to life’s memories until her children were older so she could spend Friday nights telling them stories of her childhood, her friends and the time she got caught sneaking out of her mom’s house to go party with her schoolmates. There was no way she was going to tell them how she’s living right now. In her imagination she stood up and put an album on the record player. She bounced to show them her fancy moves. They began to laugh so hard. There was no shame in her steps. She could imitate every dance video and incorporate a few steps of my own to keep with the beat of the music. Sometimes the kids

would in to correct her on the latest dance moves. The thought of their mother cutting a rug became hilarious and sometimes they just let her talk because they knew that it made her feel good to the good-old-days. The song “I will survive” was pumping strongly in her head. She was swaying to the beat as she closed her eyes and imagined the crowded dance floor. The bartender was entertaining clients between martinis and long island iced teas. The D.J. was searching through crates of albums in search of the next dance craze. Soon as the first three beats vibrated the speakers Vanessa knew it was Disco Dazz. Several women gathered on the dance floor waving their arms as they chose their spot. Bodies were rocking from side to side some partnered while others danced alone. And of course you had your regular wallflowers scoping the room for a one night stand. She was snapped back into reality when a harsh wind mixed with ice slapped the left side of her face. A second thought made her wonder if the woman with the imaginary family started out like this. It scares Vanessa to think she might be living that lifestyle too if she stay out here too long. The cold air made her eyes water. She blinked hard to keep the tears from forming and tried to figure out if they were from the weather or the situation. It’s really been a long time since she has felt a day so blistery, or is it because she now has a front seat to the realities of life. She walked around to the other side of the tent and noticed a woman with a child standing at the bus stop looking in the direction of the bus route. She doesn’t know if the bus will even come. In curiosity Vanessa continued to watch as the child fidgeted closely behind the woman in an effort to use her as a shield. Icicles had formed on the edges of the bridge above. Vanessa expected some of them to fall from the shuffle of the traffic as the cars went back and forth in an attempted to reach their destinations. Vanessa walked back inside the tent. She had a couple of dollars in her pocket and she was hoping Norman would come back soon so she could thank him by treating him to a hot cup of coffee and breakfast at McDonald’s. After a while Vanessa secured the tent and went to find warmth at the luncheonette on the corner. She glared out the window as she waited for her meal. Everyone seemed to have a purpose, a family or a friend. She felt so alone, so deserted, such a failure. She had no idea where this life would lead her, but most of all she spent the next few minutes asking God why, why? Why?

Throughout the day she became more comfortable going in and out of the tent as she waited for Norman’s return. As she began folding the blankets she realized that what should be the smell of mildew became the smell of a man’s cologne. Vanessa realized that she had knocked over a bottle of Blue Aqua that had been sitting atop a crate. She quickly brushed it off the edge of the blanket and replaced the top then putting it back where it belonged. It had already began to get dark when Norman emerged with a battery-powered radio. Vanessa was strangely glad to see him and he seemed to be grateful that she was still there. They listened to music just to the time away. Jazz wouldn’t have been her choice for a station, but it sure was relaxing. Vanessa allowed herself to mellow into the music. There was something about the smoothness of the rhythm that created a flow of calmness into the atmosphere. By the time Norman’s head touched the bundle he used as a pillow he was snoring again. The music was still playing softly, but Vanessa was getting restless. She wished she’d brought the book from the back seat of the car. While thinking of something to do she ed that she hadn’t eaten Supper. She stared over at the man that was sleeping less than four feet away and believed that even at her lowest moment God was still there and there must be a reason why he set Norman on her path. She still doesn’t know what trials in life may have set Norman in the midst of this disaster, but he did take in one of God’s servants and shielded her from the cold, so this brought her to the conclusion that there’s a great blessing awaiting both of them once this event es over. Last Sunday during the sermon Pastor Watson stood in the pulpit of Second Baptist Church and professed that when God takes you through a trial it’s only the road that leads to better things. He also said that God blesses you according to how you go through your trial. If you go through complaining you just might miss your blessing, but if you go with a grateful heart you will reap what’s in store for you. Vanessa wanted to stay put until her blessing come through, but if an opportunity emerge for stability, Lord forgive me she said, but I have to go. The sun had completely set and the street lights were on. There was no sign of the woman with the child and the traffic above had died down tremendously. Every time Vanessa thought about lying down she felt soreness in the bone on her hips. She’s tired of lying down, tired of standing up and tired of walking in small circles. She closed her eyes and began to pray. Lord I thank you for this

day and the fact that I am alive, but why Lord why am I here? Her stomach growled again. She tapped Norman several times, but he just wasn’t budging. It would be about a three block walk to the food bank and she desperately wanted to go get something to eat. Wendy’s was closer, but she needed to save all the money she have, besides that would just make her vulnerable to the criminals waiting and watching for any opportunity to shake her down. So, she’ll just play the game for as long as she has to. A few minutes inside would surely be comforting. She looked out at the ice that was forming on the grass on the hill leading from the place in which they call home. Going up was going to be a challenge finding out if her legs were strong enough to hold her own body weight against the icy embankment. She rolled up her son’s sleeping bag that she retrieved from the car earlier in the day and tucked it between Norman and the edge of the tent to keep it warm. She’d been watching people come up and down that slope all evening; it can’t be that steep, she thought. She put on her jacket and walked a ways up the hill until she spotted the white flag waving from the Family Wealth Center indicating that there was still room for another body to come in from the cold. She thought about it but she did not know enough about Norman to understand why he was not about to close his eyes in a crowded room filled with strangers, yet he can close his eyes zipped in a tent with one. With her head held low trying to shield herself from the blowing snow she finally reached the red door. She stepped in line behind a girl who was nervously fidgeting with the zipper on her jacket. The girl had sea blue eyes that looked as if they were shoved into her eye sockets and darkened circles around each eye which lets Vanessa know that either she hasn’t slept in days or she might be under the influence of some sort of drug. Vanessa couldn’t decide if she looks scared or if she was just scary looking. She was eyeballing the room as if she was hiding from someone. Her eyes darted from one person to another and from table to table. Getting annoyed with the fact that the zipper wasn’t going to open she began to violently snatch at her coat. She was breathing hard and wasn’t at all steady on her feet when she accidently bumped into Vanessa. Vanessa gave her one shove that sent her falling into the man in front of her. After apologizing to the man she turned and looked at Vanessa with squinted eyes. Vanessa stuck her chest out and balled up her fist waiting for her to attempt to start a fight. She gave Vanessa one final over-all look before turning back around. Although Vanessa spoke in a whisper she spoke loud enough for her to hear, I may be small, but I will snatch the cocaine right out of your damn system.

By the time they reached the serving line the girl had her eyes glued on a large black man in a leather jacket. The man also had his stare on her. Vanessa understood this sign as a point of caution. I don’t know what the deal is with these two she thought, but as soon as I get my tray I’m moving as far away from that woman as I could get. Tonight’s dinner consists of some sort of soup, cornbread, and salad, a piece of cake and sweet tea. Once Vanessa reached the table she opened up the small bag that contains the bread and poured some of the soup inside, tied it tightly and carefully placed it in her pocket. She consumed the remainder of the meal. Just before leaving the center she fixed a large cup of coffee and wrapped her hands around the cup to keep her fingers warm until she got back to the tent. One thing her mother always told her was that no one has to do anything for you, so she looked towards the serving line, caught the eye of one of the servers and mouthed a heartfelt “thank you”; even though she knew they didn’t hear her it just made her feel good to know that she said it. By the time she reached the tent the soup had soaked into the bread. Norman, here, she said shoving the concoction into the blanket. Eat this while it’s still warm. Norman pulled the covers back and looked at her with one eye, reached out for the spoon and crawled back under the blankets. When his head peeped out again she handed him the cup of coffee. That’s what I’m talking about was mumbled from beneath the mass with a joking spirit. No matter how cold it is outside, hearing those words made Vanessa feel good inside. After all this was a small price to pay for the gratitude he’s shown her. Norman uncovered his head. He sat up and looked at her with a puzzled expression. Vanessa felt convicted. She almost felt as if he was looking through her instead of at her. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one was there and then looked back at him wondering what caused this reaction. Norman reached out for her hand. She hesitated to touch him. He pulled her towards him. She allowed herself to follow his lead. He positioned himself on his elbows and looked up at her. The streets, especially at night is too dangerous for a woman to be walking alone, he said then he released her hand. He shook his head and crawled back under the covers. If you need to go anywhere else let me know first, he said; I’ll walk with you. She felt like a little child being scolded by a parent. He never even knew that she had left the area. However, she thought it was too late for him to be concerned now that she’s back. She stacked the two chair cushions and sat down. These along with the blankets

and the radio were the only possessions he owned. She wondered again what it was that might have left him stranded to live in this manner. He didn’t seem uneducated, strung out on any type of drug or fighting an addiction, neither has she even seen him light up a cigarette. She pulled her feet up Indian-style and tucked the extra material from the sleeping bag all around to lock out the cold air. The city was becoming a ghost town. There were only a few people jumping in and out of cars as they attempted to catch the seven-eleven before it closed due to the weather conditions. This is just another one of those sticky situations that left her wondering how the heck, did she get into this mess to begin with. Sure; she knows she has options. She can go back to the trunk of her car or she can go back to New York. Her mother would be more than content to have all of them bunched up into her small apartment, but pride keeps her pushing for higher heights. Vanessa’s has become more comfortable being in such close quarters with Norman. She’s not sure how she’d come to trust such a stranger, but hoped that this is the angel that God sent to watch over her. Sitting within an arm reach of Norman sometimes made her wonder if he ever thought about her sexually. She shook her head. I’m not going to allow myself to think those thoughts. Yes, he’s not a bad looking man, but I can’t develop a relationship while in this situation she thought. I’d better keep my mind on getting out of this situation then I can think of finding love again. She doesn’t want to be so hard-hearted, but it hasn’t escaped her mind to wonder if she could ever love again anyway. It was just comforting to know that she was not alone or spending hours driving around trying to find a safe spot to park and hide in the trunk of her car for the night. The reality of sleeping outside with the bugs, mice, spiders, raccoons and snakes sometimes creeped her out, but Norman said that that was the least of her problems because those animals are enjoying their natural habitat and as long as she doesn’t bother them they won’t bother her. He assured her that her most concern should be with the two legged animals that comes to introduce themselves as a friend. She knew that he was completely right about that. Vanessa felt rested when she arose the next morning. The weatherman announced that today would be much warmer than the days before. The surrounding snow had hardened from the night’s dew and the cold. She had another day of work before her and needed to hustle to the car. Once again, Norman was not there. The old woman whom she now calls Mrs. Peppers was

once again readying herself and her imaginary family for a full day of activities. When she was done she was again off to work. No one knows where she actually goes, but she doesn’t return until after five in the evening when she begins the actions of preparing supper, helping the children with homework and other extra curriculum activities before getting them prepared for bed. Vanessa hasn’t figured out how many children she has or if they are girls or boys. The cardboard box that she used to shield her from the wind was now facing towards the highway. This was also the windiest area of the living space. Perhaps it was comforting for her to see so many cars going back and forth. Perhaps she thought of that opening in the box as a large window. Vanessa prayed not only for Norman’s safety throughout the day and for every resident of that community before she went about her way. The same restaurant on the corner was her place again to wash up and get dressed. Curious eyes met her at the car and remained on her as she entered the door and approached the counter. It was obvious that there had been a conversation about Vanessa using the facilities for personal reasons. It was uncomfortable for a moment, but she had more important things to think about. She headed for the one-person bathroom which gave her the privacy she needed. It’s always clean and always has hot water. She locked the door behind her and stripped herself naked. She made a huge mess allowing the soap and water to careen down her skin as she assured to scrub every crevice. After combing her hair and applying some perfume she cleaned up behind herself and carried on her daily routine as if she didn’t notice the stares. A snickering laugh broke out amongst the workers, but she pretended not to hear them. She collected her breakfast bag and exited. Hopefully this will be the last that they see of me she whispered. The call came into her voice mail at ten o’clock. Her credit report has been cleared. Hallelujah! She almost shouted. The excitement caused her to drop the cell phone onto the desk and it bounced down to the floor. Her feet began moving really fast, stomping up and down as if she had no control of them. She had never shouted in church before, but there were emotions building inside her that was stirring butterflies and tickling her soul. She had just lifted her head when her eyes came into focus with Marlene, Cathy and Irene watching her in confusion. However, Marlene was the only one smiling as if she seemed to understand. Although Marlene really had no clue she silently rejoiced with her anyway. Vanessa now knows why, as Christians, when we get to Heaven we will

recognize each other by the nature of our spirit. Marlene has proven that theory again and again. She was a sweet spirited individual, always looking for the good in other people. She spent much of her day offering a kind word, helping hand or just a smile to brighten the atmosphere. Vanessa constantly checked the clock. The day wasn’t progressing fast enough. She couldn’t keep her concentration on what she was supposed to be doing. Her mind kept fading into the future with thoughts of having her children back. She snuck several peeks into the yellow pages in search for apartment complexes. She estimated an idea of how much of a down-payment she needed for the apartment. One bedroom or two, it doesn’t matter, she just need to get in. She thought about the money she doesn’t have to pay the storage unit this month. No more sleeping in the trunk of her car, no more running from strange men in the middle of the night, no more meals at the food bank and no more………. Norman. Oh my goodness, Norman, she thought. I can help Norman since he helped me. Thank you Lord, she whispered. Thank you. Vanessa didn’t leave the job until six in the evening. The sky had opened and the rain was falling so hard that it was difficult to see out the windshield. Vanessa thought about the occupants that made their home behind the trees along the highway. She hung her head for a moment of silence as she began to feel sorry for them and realized that she was yet blessed even in her present situation. It was then that she wondered how long some of those people were actually out there and how many storms they must have already endured. Perhaps she would be lucky enough to sign a lease tonight and even if she didn’t have any furniture she would have a roof over her head. Although she knew she was blindly wishing it gave her hope to believe that the day was soon approaching when this nightmare was over. She drove past several apartment complex offices. They were all closed. She still has to wait until tomorrow. I guess we’ll have to take it one victory at a time she smiled to herself. She drove to the ATM machine and checked her balance, she didn’t want any surprises. Friday’s paycheck had been deposited and there was an additional amount added because of the holiday; one more blessing to thank God for. Vanessa found a moderately used motel on the corner of Gleenwood Street and rented a room for the night. She knows that this motel is attracted by crackheads and prostitutes, but it was cheap and got her out of the weather for a night, but her curiosity wouldn’t let her settling down for the evening. She needed to repay Norman for his kindness. She grabbed a hooded jacket and drove to the area. She

parked the car and ran across the street and down the hill. It looked strange. There was a huge gap where the tent once sat. There was scattered trash all about the area, but not a soul anywhere in sight. She walked down the path and looked around. The old woman at the end that once was so diligently preparing supper for her children wasn’t there either, but her box was lying flat on the ground soaked with water. Vanessa walked past the area where the old blue tarp of a make-shift home once sat and peered around the huge tree… nothing. If it wasn’t for the fact that she saw the orange cat that belonged to the drunkard with the plaid coat she would have thought this was all in an imaginary dream. The dirty orange cat that roamed the grounds at all hours of the night was the only sign that there used to be life here, but no Norman. The rain had created a huge puddle in the center of the ground and it looked like a river was beginning to form. Several tree branches lay scooted along from the force of the wind and others hung lowly from the trees above. Perhaps Norman moved the tent to another location she thought. Her shoes were soaked and the rain was extra cold by now, yet she walked the entire area. Once she satisfied her curiosity she headed back to the motel room with a prayer in her heart for Norman’s safety through the storm. Vanessa pulled into the parking spot directly in front of the window to the room that she had rented. She stood in the window and peered over towards the camping area hoping to eventually see Norman in the distance. In her prayers she once again asked that God keep Norman safe and she laid upon the bed and drifted off the sleep. Vanessa dreamed about drifting out to sea on a raft in the middle of the ocean. The sky was a bright dark blue with twinkling stars so bright they seemed to be right above her head. Each time she tried to touch a star it would jerk back and fly out of view. She was disappointed and began to cry. Why Lord, why do you keep teasing me she kept calling towards the sky. When she woke up her pillow was wet. She was ashamed to think she believed so deeply into this dream. Although she tried not to compare this to her own life she couldn’t help but wonder what was the meaning of the dream and if it was perhaps some type of warning of something else to come. Lord Jesus, she exclaimed, please let this trial be over. She squinted her eyes and looked around the room at the faded pink flowers that covered all the walls and she yelled; get the heck off my trail Satan! You will not snatch another minute from my life. She raised both her hands and paced the area of the room; at this very minute I declare to take back my life, my family, my goals and my ambitions in Jesus name. She fell to her knees and said Lord I declare I belong to you! There is no room for Satan in my life anymore! Thank you Jesus for making me realize this.

While riding in the car with the realtor Vanessa felt like a celebrity. She felt light and free of all shame. Although her memories tried to jolt at her it didn’t seem to matter at all at this moment. They drove up to a three bedroom ranch-style home on the corner of a seemingly quiet neighborhood. It was obvious that the house had been there for many, many years, but it was also obvious that the house was well kept. The kitchen had all modern appliances and each bedroom stood on its own divided by either another room or a small hallway. This is perfect she told the realtor unsure if she could even afford the rent; but once again she didn’t seem to be worried instead she looked up and said “God, you said if I make one step you would make two”.

A NEW ATTITUDE

A few months has ed and Vanessa never made plans to go to New York because from day to day she never knew where luck would take her. She did not want to disappoint her children again by telling them that she was not yet settled. She just gassed up the car and began driving. With her children on her mind she found herself entering the highway. She could not find the nerve to turn the car around. She arrived about the time for school to let out. She drove to the school grounds were Tasha attended. She had just spent six hours on the highway, but tired was now replaced by excitement in thinking how Tasha is going to be surprised by her presence. Her plan was to pick up all of her children and go sit in a restaurant for a moment this way she could give them the good news first. She knew it was about time for the school bell to ring so she stood on the side of the car and waited to see if she would spot Tasha first or which direction would Tasha run to her out of the crowd of students. There were several children already wandering outside. One boy was leaning against the mailbox. He seemed to be texting on his phone. The school bell sounded and the rustling of feet began to pour out of the door. Vanessa began moving her eyes quickly through the crowd. She got out of her car and stood on the side as she searched the clusters. It wasn’t long before the grounds began to clear. She spotted a young girl wearing a black skirt and pink blouse walking towards the boy that was leaning against the mailbox. Her eyes became glued to this couple for some reason. There was a certain familiarity about this young girl. The girl had short hair with blonde streaks; cute hairstyle, but much too grown for a girl that age. The other two girls that were walking with her was just as mature in the body and they all intentionally swerved their behinds as they walked causing their skirts to sway back and forth. Perhaps it was this attitude that caught Vanessa’s attention. Then Vanessa recognized one of the girls. Tiana was the daughter of Mrs. Mulligan who lived in the building diagonally across from Mom’s. She was tall for her age and her breast was well rounded which made her seem older than she really was. Her pants clung to every curve of her hips and hugged tightly at the ankles. Another girl pressed her way into the crowd. She was wearing a spandex skirt that stopped mid-way her thighs. There was a certain kind of familiarity about this kid too. What’s up, what’s up, what’s

up the girl called to the crew as she threw her body between Nancy and Jasmine for a high five. The boy that was leaning against the mailbox walked over to the girl and smacked her on the behind. All the girls quickly dispersed the scene. They walked towards the bus stop, all except the girl in the spandex skirt. She and the boy walked in the opposite direction. Vanessa watched in curiosity to see where they were going. Suddenly the girl’s book bag fell to the floor as she lost balance and hit her face on the telephone pole. At first Vanessa was shocked at the aggressiveness thinking maybe she lost her balance in the heels she was wearing. Then she realized that this child had not accidently lost her balance but had been slapped, pushed or punched. Anger built up within her when the boy grabbed the girl by the back of her collar and snatched her head back. He placed his finger close to her face as if he was making demands. He held on to her tightly as they waited for the light to change so that they could cross the street. Vanessa was so engrossed in the incident that she didn’t realize that she had walked away from her car. She ran back and jumped in the car and turned it around to follow them. She searched for a weapon…anything. She had to help this child, her child, maybe, if this is Tasha. They entered an apartment building. Vanessa pulled the car up to the space which was reserved for the fire hydrant. She knew she would probably get a parking ticket, but right now was not the time to worry about that. The two of them walked into the staircase. When Vanessa opened the door the area was not well lit. It reeked with the smell of marijuana, urine and alcohol. Vanessa coughed and gagged before covering her mouth with her hand. Most of the lights were broken out. She held the stick that she had retrieved from the car like a baseball bat and crept towards the sounds of their voices. The girl was pleading for him to stop and he was instructing her to shut-up. As Vanessa turned the corner of about the fifth landing she saw him with his pants down to his ankle. His body was pressed against hers and she was pressed against the wall. He had one hand on her throat and the other on his rod. He tried to reach down for his pants when he heard a footstep that had released from something sticky that had been left on the stairs. Vanessa swung the stick missing his face by inches. No questions asked; she kept swinging until she ed with something. He grabbed his shoulder and tried to run up the stairs. Vanessa caught him by the bottom of his pants, but with all her might she knew she couldn’t hold on to him. You want to take something that doesn’t belong to you? She called out to him. He squirmed and kicked catching Vanessa on the left side of her face with his heel. Vanessa held on. Something inside of her wouldn’t let go of his leg. She

grabbed higher onto his jeans until she was almost at his waist. She began to punch at him. He swung back punching Vanessa in the head. The pain almost caused her lose her grip, but she was determined to teach this kid a lesson. A lesson that she wished someone would have taught Todd years ago when he had her hemmed up in the same position. Memories began to flood her thought process as she dug her nails into his scrawny arm. It was a good thing that she had lost the stick in the process or she probably would have beat this child bloody. After what seemed like a half hour she lost her grip and the boy ran up to the next landing and out of the stairwell. When Vanessa looked back towards where the girl was standing she was gone. When Vanessa placed her feet upon the step to exit the stairwell she felt a sharp pain in her knee. She looked down and realized that in the struggle she must have hit it against one of the steps. It took her a few seconds to rub out the pain. When she reached Mama’s Tasha hadn’t come home yet. She sat at the table across from Mama and studied the worry lines in her face. Either Mama didn’t notice how hard Vanessa was staring at her or she just didn’t care. Tasha rolled into the living room with a new walk. Her attitude was not something appealing to Vanessa. This is not the child Vanessa once knew. It was as if she wanted to display her arrogance with poise to let everyone think she was in control. Her head swayed from side to side so hard it looked as though she was about to throw her neck out of place. Her little plaid skirt was so short that it accented the most powerful section of her thick brown thighs. Her long, thick and shiny black hair was pulled up into a pony tail on top with the bottom half falling down just past her shoulder; nothing like the girl from earlier in the afternoon. Vanessa placed her left forefingers above her upper lip resting her elbow on the table as she studied her daughter’s new moves. She thought about how she’d almost beat someone’s child to death trying to protect a young girl that may not have been Tasha. The similarities were much too close she thought while she studied the way in which Tasha walked from one room to the other. Vanessa questioned whether or not she should give in to this new attitude. Maybe it’s just a teenage thing. Maybe this is how the children are portraying the new cool. So how was school today? Vanessa asked giving Tasha a hug and in curiosity studying her every move. Tasha looked at her mother. She looked as if she was in a fight. Her cheek was red and bruised and her right hand looked swollen. Tasha hesitated to ask what happened instead she concentrated upon the words that was coming from her mother’s mouth. Somehow the words didn’t sound

like words of concern and she knew that she needed to choose her next move very carefully. She knew her mother well enough to know when she was fishing for something. It was a regular day she replied while shoving a powdered donut into her mouth. Vanessa gently took Tasha by the shoulders with both hands forcing her to face her. She walked around her and examined her. She smiled and asked about the mark above Vanessa’s eyebrow which was now turning from bright red to bluish. Vanessa’s smile was more like a devilish grin. Tasha backed up a step to put some space between herself and her mother. Vanessa continued to step forward until she had Tasha’s back against the wall. Vanessa rolled down the collar of her blouse. The closeness was making Tasha uniquely uncomfortable. Vanessa was so close that she could smell the heat of the jelly donut that Tasha had consumed earlier. Vanessa kept in step each time Tasha stepped sideways to try and wiggle out of her mother’s touch. There was a scratch on Tasha’s neck and a bruise on her cheek which was covered in brown make up. What happened here? Vanessa inquired while poking at the mark. What are you talking about Tasha cried as she looked towards her grandmother hoping for some help. Brat-Brat was sitting on the opposite side of the table holding Mama’s hand when whatever conversation the two them were having become less important than what was now taking place on the other side of the dining room table. Vanessa now had Tasha pinned to one spot. Is this something you’re used to she asked. Although Tasha now stands a full foot taller than her mother Tasha knew better than to challenge her to a tussle. Vanessa starred deep into her eyes. This seems to be a position you’re used to huh, she asked again breathing hot breath directly into Tasha’s face. How about you go get the outfit you wore to school today. I don’t know what you’re talking about Tasha replied trying to pull her mother’s hands off of her. I’m wearing the outfit I wore to school today. Tears began to well up in Tasha’s eyes as she glared towards Auntie Brat. Patricia, I wouldn’t suggest you make a move. Vanessa spoke the angry words with one finger in the air and without turning to look in Brat’s direction. She kept her eyes glued into her daughter’s eyes as she jerked Tasha towards the bedroom. Let’s go play treasure hunt she declared as she shoved Tasha into the bedroom. Tasha leaned against the dresser as her mother snatched the mattress from her bed and rambled through the items beneath. Vanessa threw clothes from the drawers and boxes from the floor of the closet. With the completion of each move she looked in Tasha’s direction. Although she never spoke a word Tasha dared to move. Tasha silently prayed that her mother wouldn’t find the secret compartment that she created above the inside of the closet door. There were much more than just a wig and make-up hidden there. Her eyes grew dark each time her mother came close to the area. Tasha turned

her head pretending to be preoccupied by the music video on the television screen. Her heart was beating fast and her mind was searching for a quick practical fabrication to the items buried and taped in a small box above the closet door. Tasha knew that eventually she would be caught, but she refused to add any assistance to the scene that was displayed in her bedroom. She was thankful that she was leaning against the dresser because she felt weakness in her knees. Auntie Brat stood in the entrance of the room. She was amazed with what was happening. She and Tasha seemed to be having a conversation with body language and eye . The only sound in the room was papers being tossed into the air and furniture being dragged. Vanessa then grabbed Tasha’s book bag. The same book bag that fell to the ground when the boy slapped her. She dumped the contents. A notebook fell out with a large heart drawn on the front it read TASHA AND GREGORY. Vanessa didn’t question his name. She didn’t give a damn what his name was. She was still mad that he got away before she was finished with him. When Vanessa had exhausted her curiosity and the last of her energy she jumped down from the chair that she had placed at the closet door as she checked upon the shelf. Looking around the room she felt like a fool. The room was destroyed. But Vanessa was not convinced. She stared at Tasha with an evil eye and Tasha was now staring back at her with a face of victory. Vanessa pushed past Patricia and grabbed at the purse that was hooked on the side of the chair. Vanessa felt defeated although something in her spirit was telling her that she was not. She knew that the girl in the stairwell was Tasha, but she failed to prove it. The similarities were much too close for doubt. Tears were running down her face although she wasn’t crying. Anger had taken control of her spirit and caused confusion in her actions. She was now more than ever determined to get her financial situation and her living situation in check. Watching Leon in the window she knew she had something to fight for other than her own survival. Mama and Brat may as well get ready because when I come back I’m cleaning house and taking all my children with me she spat while staring at the brick building. She drove with the speed of traffic. Her mind was not on the roadway and she found herself drifting in and out of focus. One months left before the end of her probationary period. There wasn’t a Cathy in the world who could cause her to lose this job. God, she began to pray, my children need me. My children need me. Please watch over them and especially Tasha until I return. Lord, help me

get myself together and become the parent I know I can be. Every now and then she would think about Kennedy and wished he would step in with some type of parental , but past experiences lead her to believe that if she ed Kennedy he would only give her advice or tell her what she should do and probably scold her for not being the parent she should be. This will only give the opportunity for him to brag about his financial situation and how well his new family is doing, leaving her feeling like a fool just to know that she dedicated her life to helping to build a future for a man that left her and his children with basically nothing. This would be nothing more than gossip and laughter between him and his home-wrecking ass sisters. Vanessa recalled a phrase that she’d heard somewhere before and she repeated to herself “nothing can happen in my life that Jesus and I can’t get through together”. Vanessa stepped into the office the next morning with her mind made up that today will turn the page to a new chapter in her life. She decided that there was nothing that could veer her from her course. She has given up the fight for acceptance and was ready to live the God purposed life that she was born to live. Good Morning she sang as she entered. Cathy looked up from her computer and wondered what had gotten into her. Vanessa looked Cathy directly in the eyes and smiled. Inside she whispered “God is good, God is so good”. This was the first time in a long time that Vanessa experienced this feeling. She wasn’t wondering where she was going to lay her head tonight, she didn’t even stop by Hardee’s to brush her teeth, comb her hair or get dressed. That thought itself made her repeat “God is good”. Did you say something, Cathy called from her office. Vanessa giggled softly. Satan you will not steal my joy today she thought as Cathy emerged wearing a beige and red mid-length skirt and red ruffled blouse. One thing about Cathy is that she always style expensive clothing that’s obviously been professionally laundered. It would be nice if her attitude matched her attire. Vanessa had an attitude that Cathy was not familiar with and she definitely wanted to know what Vanessa had gotten into over the weekend that put her in such a perky mood. Cathy ed Vanessa’s desk and out the door pretending to ignore the change. When she returned she dropped a heavy load of papers to be filed into Vanessa’s in-box and glared over her shoulder to catch Vanessa’s reaction. Vanessa pretended not to see it as she continued to finish the memo that she was typing on the computer. Cathy met up with Gladys in the employee’s cafeteria. Let me get the names and phone numbers of the clients for Thursday’s interviews she requested. Gladys reminded Cathy that those interviews had been cancelled until further notice.

Oh, I just want to know who was on the agenda Cathy responded. Gladys never questions Cathy’s intentions and Cathy had no doubt that she would get what she ask of Gladys. During that lunch hour the two of them giggled like little girls as they shared the left-over lasagna that Cathy had prepared for supper last night. Cathy was a good cook and Gladys obviously didn’t do much of that besides that kept Gladys from having to eat what was in the dining area which is usually the same menu as the students. Gladys cleaned her dish and handed it back to Cathy. When the lunch period was done Cathy returned to her office in preparation to make up the Holiday schedule for family visitation. Vanessa had so many things on her agenda that needed to get done before the week ended. There were reminders to be sent out for meetings, e-mail to check, folders to be filed and most importantly the open-house. Vanessa was busy deg a flyer to invite parents of newly enrollees to view the facility and understand the process in which this facility connects with the legal system. Vanessa tried to maintain her concentration as she reminisced about her life coming together once again. She felt as if the storm of life was coming to an end and sunny days were nearing. She was preparing her home for her children’s coming. Vanessa noticed the unusually busyness and extensive phone calls that were being made in Cathy’s office, but didn’t put too much into worrying about it. As far as she was concerned, Cathy was busy making preparations for events as well. Vanessa stopped by the storage unit to make reservations to pick up the remainder of her items and close out her . I’ll be out of here on Saturday she told the clerk behind the desk. I’ll drop the keys in the drop-box when I’m done. It was a good feeling to hear the words come from her own mouth. She inhaled and then exhaled wondering if this little storm of life was over or is God playing a trick on her just to test her patience. It was hard to believe that just as quick as it started it was over and all it took was a simple phone call to get her out of the trunk of her car and into a place that she could call home. The idea of knowing this almost made her cry. All the lonely cold nights in the trunk of her car, sleeping in a tent with a stranger, spending the night in Walmart and even being chased by a Jamaican man was about to become nothing more than stories to tell her grandchildren in front of a warm fire. All she has to worry about right now is how to explain her absence to her children? How do she explain the time lost; time that can never be retrieved and no one to really be angry at? She just has to accept the fact that sometimes in life things happen. Nothing left to do but rebuild from this moment forward if only she could figure

out where to start. With each day of employment she gratefully thanked God for having a job. Another week was about to begin and she was now comfortable with the position knowing that she could operate and run the office without assistance. Mrs. Cho was confident in her ability and was now allowing her to do so while she attended meetings and outside schedules. It was just about quitting time when Mrs. Cho peeped her head around the corner and asked Vanessa to come to her office for a minute. Vanessa picked up her pen and pad and headed down the corridor. When she approached the doorway she quickly stopped with hesitation to enter. Mrs. Chambers, the school director along with Mrs. Hempsley the hiring manager was idly standing around chit chatting with phony laughter. Her heart dropped, this can’t be good she thought as Mrs. Cho motioned her to enter. Mrs. Hempsley never cracked a smile as she watched Vanessa inch her way towards the edge of Mrs. Cho’s desk. Mrs. Chambers greeted her with a smile and began by walking over to closing the door. There has been another position created and we need an overseer for the training of new recruits Mrs. Cho said. I recommended that we give you a try at the position before we try hiring from the outside. Would you like to do that she asked. For the second time in her life Vanessa felt her feet move as she’s seen many people move before while shouting in church. Continuing to hold her composure she smiled and said yes ma’am. Thank you. This is a small promotion and I am confident that you can organize and manage this Mrs. Cho continued. Every promotion no matter how small is something to be grateful for Vanessa thought. It wasn’t easy to keep her mind at ease that evening and sleeping was even more difficult. She was happy that someone thought of her in that manner. Perhaps the storm was over for her and she can get back to life as it was intended to be lived. The telephone rang. Vanessa checked the caller ID. It was Mrs. Currie from the front lobby. Good Morning, Human Resources, Vanessa Parker speaking. Good Morning, Mrs. Currie replied, are we having interviews today? No, Ma’am, Vanessa replied, those interviews was cancelled until another day. Oh, Mrs. Currie replied, I have Mr. Anderson here he must not have been informed of the cancellation. I’ll let him know she said then hung up the telephone. About a halfhour later Mrs. Currie called back to say that there was a Ms. Winston here for an interview and over and over again she was turning people away. By now

Vanessa understood why Cathy asked Gladys for the names of the interviewees when she could have just as easily gotten them from her. Mrs. Cho enters the office pretty upset. I suppose her meeting was interrupted to make her aware of all the people that were there to interview for a position that no longer exists. Mrs. Cho called Vanessa into her office and closed the door. Have a seat she instructed. Mrs. Cho stood behind the desk with both hands upon the desk and looked directly at Vanessa. when I gave you that list of occupants last week and instructed you to call each participant to inform them that there weren’t going to be any interviews today? Yes, Ma’am, Vanessa replied. So, what happened, she asked. I did just that, Vanessa replied. So, Mrs. Cho continued, how is it that all those people showed up today for an interview? Vanessa was confused, but she ed that she still has the reply sheet in her drawer. Give me a minute she requested as she exited the office. She returned with a manila folder. She laid the folder in front of Mrs. Cho and opened it. The last column on the sheet noted each reply that she jotted as she spoke with the participants during the cancellation. Mrs. Cho carefully examined the paper that now sits in front of her. The names of the participants, phone numbers, times and replies received were clearly stated. Mrs. Cho knew that she had to do some more investigations before making a decision upon how to handle this situation. Leave this with me she requested and dismissed Vanessa back to her area. Mrs. Cho had been given an order from her boss to relieve whomever was responsible for the chaos. Mrs. Cho didn’t want to make a hasty decision. That evening after the office had closed Mrs. Cho walked into Cathy’s office. She began rummaging around atop her desk. There were small piles of papers scattered about. She opened the top drawer. There were neatly stacked pens, paper clips and office supplies. Underneath a small pile of papers was a key. Mrs. Cho picked up the key and unlocked the side drawer. She found a few papers paper clipped together. This was a copy of the names of the participants to cancel the interviews.

HE TOUCHED ME

Worldly Conversion Baptist Church is located on the corner of Worldly Street and Brown Boulevard and was founded by the Bishop Louis R. Saunders. Bishop Sanders was a rather roughly looking brother mainly because of his deep small eyes on a man of his size. He stands well over six feet tall and wears a suit in the triple X. He has large hands that hangs down past his mid-thigh almost to his knees and his beard is usually un-manicured, but beneath all that roughness he had a tender spirit of God-sent purity. Vanessa was aware that Bishop was the main speaker at the church today and she looked forward to letting him stir up the ghost inside of her. She knew when she leaves her soul would be renewed and she needed him badly right now. She situated herself so she could have a clear view of the pulpit which was on the end of the pew. The usher escorted people to her bench, but she wasn’t budging from that spot. Her concern wasn’t who was sitting next to her because she was here for one reason and one reason only. The Praise Team had just finished and the congregation was still stirring in high accord. The organist was pressing hard on the keyboard to keep the reaction in the atmosphere. Bishop Saunders entered the pulpit and placed his bible on the podium. He then knelt before his seat for a private prayer. Sister Ackins was beating on the tambourine and the choir was assembling in the loft. Vanessa felt a wave come her and although she didn’t see anything she felt a jolt that caused her to jump from her seat and begin dancing in the aisle. This was something that she had never felt before. Her feet were moving uncontrollably just as she had seen other people shift to the beat of the music. It wasn’t until she had exhausted herself that she even realized what was going on. Vanessa found herself in front of the altar. Her head hung low and her hands raised high. Although she was still exuberant she felt defeated. She felt like life has no meaning. Every effort to bring herself back to the life that she was used to living was wasted and everything is just one big lie after another. Love is fictitious and the efforts to achieve her life goals were lost. Her eyes were filled with tears. She’s tired of fighting this life. She was angry that she had broken the

promise to never cry over her situation again. Through the blur of tears she saw black shoes worn beneath crisply pressed tros coming towards her. She knew it was a minister of some kind, but she was in no mood for Christian motivation. There was nothing that anyone could say to her right now that would reverse the emotions that was flooding her being. The person stopped in front of her, but she wasn’t ready to lift her head and face him. He placed both his hands on her shoulders. She wanted to brush them off, but they were warm, gentle and firm. He never spoke a word. His touch alone brought some reasoning to surrender to the spirit that he possesses. Vanessa took a deep breath and tried to ignore the tears that were now soaking the front of her white blouse. The man ran his hands down her arms until he reached her hands. Much too personal she thought as he cupped his hand into hers. Vanessa’s mind went blank for a moment. She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to give in to this person. Then there was something about the way he caressed her fingers that got her attention. Something shook inside of her. She somehow recognized this spirit; a familiar and honestly caring spirit. She opened her eyes to slender fingers, a gold watch on the wrist that led down to nicely manicured nails. The smell of this man tickled her senses. She again closed her eyes and let the spirit manifested itself as a cold memory. The evening that she stood on the street corner watching the snowflakes collect upon the newspaper that was in the top of the trash can. This was the same touch that caressed her from the street pole to the tent. She began to smile as he began to speak. His voice brought such comfort to her. The voice relayed, let’s see the face of God’s angel. He placed his fingers under her chin and lifted her head. Vanessa squeezed the hands that now gripped firmly to hers. She was delighted to look Norman in the face. Never did she think she would ever see him again, much less in the position that he now stands. Suddenly it seemed that hope has returned. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. She didn’t want him to let go. She prayed that God would never allow him to let go. There wasn’t many words said, just the joy of being in his arms were all she needed. Thank you Lord, she mumbled, Thank you. There was a judgement of peace. Peace that she hasn’t witnessed in a long time. A little nudge in her spirit let her know that her life was changed. It seemed that the burdens that she had been carrying had been lifted. She was no longer in bondage to the things of this world or the reminders of her past. It was a sense of freedom that she had never experienced before. She stood still for a moment and let the moment over-take her. God was waiting for me to let go, she thought. She began to pray. Lord Jesus, every tie that bound me was left at the altar. Please help me to leave them there. Please allow me to know that I no longer live in

guilt or shame, but under the power of your Holy name. I am healed and saved by your blood. I am a child of the Most High King. I will live in your presence for evermore. She left the church service with her spirits renewed. Today Vanessa stands on her balcony and enjoys the view across the river. A small table also sits there with two chairs. Atop of the table is two coffee mugs; one for her and one for her new husband. Norman reaches over and takes hold of her hands. He basks in the sound of the atmosphere leading her to him in the peace that God had placed amongst them. The laughter of Children coming from the living room….. The television blaring…. The neighbors gathering in their back yard for a barbeque and the warm wind that reminding them that this is the day that the Lord has made. To him it was the sounds of glory. He looks deep into his wife’s cocoa brown eyes and smiled. He gestures her to draw near as he gently places her hands into his. He puts his arms around her shoulders until her head was laid upon his chest and he squeezed gently. He prayed a silent prayer of thanks. Together they look across the gales and realize that they couldn’t see just how far God’s glories stretches across this earth. Vanessa felt guilty wondering why God brought her through such a trial to give her the desires of her heart. She couldn’t clear these thoughts from her mind, but she knew that in time they would be nothing more than a distant memory. With his wife in his arms Norman thought back on the past year and asked God to erase the bitter thoughts so he could concentrate upon the gift that he has at hand. He just wanted to bask in the blessing of the present. Their hearts were enlightened. She has finally gotten her family back and Norman has been given the family that he trusted and prayed to God for. As far as Vanessa was concerned her miracle has come; no, their miracle has come.