The Field Guide To Humans And Other Dangerous Beasts 61343s

MICHAEL DAHL PRESENTS

Michael Dahl has written about werewolves, magicians, and superheroes. He loves funny books, scary books, and mysterious books. Every Michael Dahl Presents book is chosen by Michael himself and written by an author he loves. The books are about favorite subjects like monster aliens, haunted houses, farting pigs, or magical powers that go haywire. Read on!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Michael Dahl Presents

A “Laffy” Laugh!

Chapter 1: Creature-Watching Wishes

Chapter 2: A Walk in the Wild

Chapter 3: Curiosity and Confusion

Chapter 4: Space Monster Mayhem!

Chapter 5: Swallowed by a Sleeping Bag!

Chapter 6: Attack of the Metal-Mouths

Chapter 7: Creatures Unite!

Chapter 8: Chicken Flight

Glossary

Discussion Questions

Writing Prompts

About the Author

About the Illustrator

Joking Around

Explore More

Copyright

Back Cover

A “LAFFY” LAUGH!

When I was in middle school, my friends recorded me laughing. (They did it in secret.) I guess my laugh sounded so goofy that it made them laugh too. My friends were pretty funny themselves. They told great jokes and hilarious stories. I wish I had written them down. But that gave me the idea to have some of my new friends write down their stories. If you feel a chuckle or a guffaw deep inside while reading, let it out. Who knows—maybe your laugh will end up in a video!

CHAPTER 1 CREATURE-WATCHING WISHES

“Happy twelfth birthday!” Atari and Zaria’s parents yelled as they burst into the twins’ bedroom. “Heebie-jeebies!” Zaria shouted. The book she was reading fell to the floor with a thud. Her twin sister, Atari, tumbled over the side of her bed. She wasn’t scared, though. She was laughing hysterically at her sister. Atari loved startling her super-serious sister. “What do we have here?” The twins’ dad picked up Zaria’s book, Creature Watching for Space Colonists. Zaria stood up and smoothed her neat braid. “It’s a guide to the different creatures that live on planet Buck, Buck, Buck. I’ve been studying the creatures we might encounter when we take our first trip outside the colony’s dome.” “Blah, blah, blah,” Atari said, putting her black-rimmed glasses back on. “As I was saying,” Zaria glared at her sister. “Before I was rudely interrupted by the family jester—” “Comedian.” Atari cut off her sister. “And you should thank me. You’re too serious. My jokes lighten the mood.” Zaria rolled her eyes and continued explaining her animal research to their parents. Meanwhile, Atari stared out the bedroom window. Atari had lived in the Space Colony her whole life. If she looked hard enough, she could see the wild lands of planet Buck, Buck, Buck. Everything outside the clear dome was green —the grass, the hills, and even the sky. Atari often imagined going outside the

bubble and exploring the planet. “Do you girls still want to explore creatures outside the dome?” the twins’ mother asked. “Do whoopie cushions make fart noises?” Atari asked excitedly. “What Atari means is … Yes! We’d love to explore Buck, Buck, Buck!” Zaria answered. “Then these might come in handy.” Zaria and Atari’s mother handed each girl two packages. “It’s everything I’ve ever wanted!” Zaria exclaimed, hugging her new tablet and camera. “Yeah, me too … .” Atari shoved the matching tablet and camera into her bookbag. She had been hoping for a new whoopie cushion, or maybe some plastic poop. “Does this mean we’re finally allowed to explore the planet?” Zaria asked. Her mother’s smile widened. “Yes. We’ve decided you’re both ready.” “However, we do have a few rules,” their father stated. “Atari, make sure you listen to Zaria. She’s been preparing for this trip for months. Since she’s shown so much maturity and responsibility, Zaria is in charge.” Zaria stood up a little straighter. “And that means no practical jokes.” Too late, Atari thought. She’d already planned a lot of gags. “And second, be very, very careful,” their mother said. “It should be safe, but there are reports of some nasty creatures out there. I’ve heard about some kind of dangerous beast.” “Oh, those are just crazy rumors,” their father replied. “I don’t believe there’s a fire-breathing monster. Still, you should send us a text every few hours to let us know you’re safe. You’ve never been outside the dome before.”

“Don’t worry, Mom and Dad. I’ve read all about the creatures. I’ll also be in charge of texting you,” Zaria said. After their parents left, Atari threw open her drawers. She tossed some clothes, a toothbrush, and a can of deodorant into a bag. Then, she got to the good part. Hmm. What jokes should I bring? She pulled out snakes in a can, plastic ants, a recorder, her chicken costume, and lots of whoopie cushions. After shoving everything into her bag, she turned to Zaria. “Ready to go?” Zaria raised an eyebrow at her sister. “No. I’m not ready yet. And since I’m in charge, I make all the decisions.” She stood up and checked the clock on the wall. “Therefore, I’d like to leave in an hour, after I finish reading my book.” “I read joke books,” Atari said, secretly slipping something onto Zaria’s chair. “Joke books don’t count,” Zaria said, sitting back down. THBPBPTHPT! A loud fart noise erupted. “Wahahahaha!” Atari fell to the ground laughing as Zaria pulled out a pink whoopie cushion from underneath her.

“Not funny,” Zaria said with a frown. “I don’t know why you have to play pranks at a time like this. You know how excited I am to see the creatures of Buck, Buck, Buck.” “Why is creature watching so important to you anyway?” Atari asked. Zaria’s eyes brightened. “I want to win the science fair this year. I’m going to create my very own Buck, Buck, Buck Creature-Watching Guide.” “That’s actually a great idea,” Atari said. She loved tricking her sister, but she was always Zaria’s number one er when it came to school. “If we can study some cool creatures and get some pictures of them, I’m a guaranteed winner,” Zaria said. “So, we have to take this seriously.” “Got it.” Atari replied, crossing her fingers behind her back. She had plans of her own.

CHAPTER 2 A WALK IN THE WILD

An hour later, Zaria and Atari stood in front of the Space Colony’s gate. As soon as they ed through, they’d be free to explore the planet’s wild surface. Atari pushed the red button. A section of the bubble’s wall opened and rose in front of them, exposing a small, airtight room. When the twins entered, the wall sealed shut behind them. Then another wall lifted, opening out onto planet Buck, Buck, Buck. As the twins stepped through the opening, Atari held out her hand to her sister for a high five. But Zaria didn’t see it. Her nose was already buried in her tablet. “It says here that we should—” Zaria said. “Zaria! Look up! You’re missing it. Everything is green.” Atari ran her hand across the grass. It felt soft like kitten fur. “Breathe in this fresh air!” She took in a deep breath. “It smells like our Fresh Scent deodorant.” The planet’s landscape was incredibly green. Emerald hills rolled before them. Green tree leaves rustled with the gentle breeze. Miles and miles of grass stretched out like a thick, soft carpet. Even the sky glowed green. As Atari enjoyed the sights, Zaria shoved her tablet underneath Atari’s nose. “Look at the map I made. It takes us to Pickle Cliff. We can get a great view from there. It’ll be perfect for our campsite and for creature watching.” “Map? But I thought we’d just explore. See where our noses took us,” Atari said. “Noses?” Zaria laughed out loud. “This isn’t a joke, Atari.” When she turned around sharply, her braid almost whipped Atari’s cheek.

Atari sighed. Leave it to Zaria to find a way to make exciting creature watching on Buck, Buck, Buck B-O-R-I-N-G! Atari pushed up her glasses and followed her sister toward a small mountain. They slowly hiked up the side and down the other. They climbed over two and a half more mountains before they made it to Pickle Cliff. It overlooked a deep valley and an aquamarine waterfall. The view was spectacular. Atari had to it, maybe there was something to using a map.

Atari dropped her bag on a rock shaped like a table to catch her breath. “Did you spot any creatures yet, Atari?” Zaria asked, excitedly scrolling through the pictures she’d taken during the hike. “Nope,” Atari said. She spread out the tent. “Want to help me put up the tent?” “I’m texting mom and dad where we are. And I’m going to look for the best place to spot the native creatures,” Zaria said. “Got it.” Atari rolled her eyes. Atari got busy putting up the campsite. Inside the tent, she laid out their sleeping bags. She built a rock pit for a roaring campfire. She even found some perfect sticks for roasting marshmallows. “You’re welcome,” Atari said to Zaria, who was still staring at her stupid tablet. Zaria looked up from her research. “What am I thanking you for?” Atari gestured toward the tent and firepit. “I set up the entire campsite on my own!” “If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t even be here,” Zaria said drily. “I do the research and text mom and dad. You set things up. Stop being a baby about it.” Baby? Atari thought. Zaria had gone too far. Just wait. I’ll show you how much of a baby I am! Zaria stood up and strapped her bag on her back. “I found the perfect place to spot creatures for my science fair guide. Ready?” “Oh, I’m ready, all right,” Atari said. A few minutes later, as Zaria walked through the trees ahead of her, Atari reached into her bag. She pulled out a recorder and slid it behind a tree. Then she grabbed a branch and shook it. “What’s that?” Zaria was too busy staring at her tablet to even notice the sound.

Atari ducked behind the tree and shook the branch harder this time. Zaria finally looked up. “Do you think that’s something? Like a creature?” Zaria stopped walking. “It might be.” The girls heard the rustling again. Except this time, it wasn’t Atari. Suddenly, a roaring sound boomed from Atari’s recorder. “Heebie-jeebies!” Zaria threw her arms up and sprinted into the woods. Atari snapped a quick pic. She could hardly keep the camera straight from laughing so hard. When she recovered from her fits of giggles, Atari followed Zaria into the woods.

CHAPTER 3 CURIOSITY AND CONFUSION

Back at the girls’ campsite, two natives of planet Buck, Buck, Buck watched as the girls disappeared into the woods. Emerging from the bushes, one of the hairless purple aliens said, “Beep, did you see that? We finally spotted some creatures!” “Yes. Indeed,” Beep replied, following his brother. “Creatures from the Space Colony. They are perfect for the guidebook I’m creating.” Beep furiously typed on his tablet. Meep peeked through the trees to see if the girls were nearby. “They are gone,” Meep told Beep. “Did you see all that metal in their mouths?” “Yes. Indeed.” Beep looked up from his tablet. “They’re so scary!” Meep shuddered. “I can’t find anything on this tablet about metal-mouthed monsters from the Space Colony. It doesn’t help that my 3-Buck Connect keeps cutting out,” Beep said, shaking his tablet. “Nothing works out here in these woods!” “I guess we’ll just have to search for clues,” Meep said, heading toward the campsite. “Be careful, Meep!” Beep warned. “What is that?” Meep pointed at the tent. Beep held up his tablet. He took a picture and then tapped his screen. “That is a canvas shelter. In the Space Colony, it is called a ‘tent’.”

“Let’s check it out,” Meep said, trotting over to the tent. “Wait, Meep!” Beep hurried to catch up. “What if more metal-mouthed creatures are inside?” “We saw the monsters leave. It’s fine,” Meep said. Outside the tent, Meep pointed at two strips of metal. “What is that?” he asked. “That,” Beep said, tapping furiously on his tablet, “is what Space Colonists call a zipper. See that dangling metal piece? You can pull it. The two sides will separate or depending if you pull it up or down.” Meep carefully pulled the zipper up. The front of the tent separated. “Gorpa!” Beep and Meep said at the same time. “These creatures sure love metal!” Meep said, dashing inside. “Meep, you must be more careful,” Beep hissed to his brother. When Beep climbed inside the tent, Meep was tugging at another zipper attached to something with two handles. “That is called a bookbag. The Colony creatures use it to carry things,” Beep said, typing fast.

Zip!

Meep shoved his hand inside the bag. “Be careful, Meep!” Beep shouted. “What if there are mini metal-mouthed creatures inside?” Meep jerked his hand out of the bag in fright. As he did, something hard fell out. Both aliens screamed.

Meep poked the strip of plastic with one of his feet. “I think it has teeth!” Beep furiously tapped on his tablet again. “That is called a comb,” Beep said. “The teeth separate hair strands.” “If it has teeth, does it bite?” Meep asked. “The guide says that it doesn’t.” Meep attempted to comb his hair. But it didn’t work at all. He had only two strands of hair, and they were already separated. Meep looked inside the bag again. “I’ve got something,” he said. He shoved his hand inside and pulled out some plastic frames with two clear glass lenses. Beep studied the object closely, and then tapped on his tablet. “These are called spectacles. Colony creatures wear them over their eyes to help them see clearly.” Meep attempted to pull the glasses apart to fit his head. But the glasses snapped in half. “Meep! What are you doing?” Beep yelled. “One of the metal-mouthed monsters was wearing those spectacles. They’re going to be so mad!” Meep tossed the glasses aside and shoved his hand inside the bag once more. Then he pulled out something soft that he thought might be another creature. “EEP!” he yelled and tossed it into the air. It landed on top of Beep’s head and covered up his one eye. “Meep, I can’t see!” Beep held out his arms like a zombie. “Those spectacles must have had special blinding powers!” Meep took the thin material off Beep’s eye. The soft object had two holes on either side and one on the top. “I’m so glad that didn’t blind me,” Beep said. “I wouldn’t be able to complete my research for my guide on Space Colony creatures.”

Beep looked at the soft material and then tapped something into his tablet. “This is a shirt. You pull it over your head and wear it to cover your chest.” “Gorpa!” Beep suddenly exclaimed. “What is it? Are the metal-mouthed monsters back?” Meep asked, peeking out the tent opening. Beep shook his tablet violently. “I just lost my signal again. This 3-Buck Connect stinks.” Just then, the purple aliens heard voices. “Don’t move, Meep,” Beep whispered harshly. “You’re right. The metalmouthed monsters are back.” Both aliens gulped loudly.

CHAPTER 4 SPACE MONSTER MAYHEM!

Meanwhile, as Beep and Meep were checking out the girls’ tent, Atari and Zaria continued searching for creatures deep in the woods. “The guide says that creatures have been spotted at Pickle Cliff many times,” Zaria said, clicking her tongue against her braces. Atari yawned. “We’ve been looking at the same trees for hours. Why don’t we do something fun? Maybe we could go for a swim by the waterfall?” Zaria stopped and turned to face her sister. “Fun? There’s no time for fun. I have a guide to create and a science fair to win. Scaring me with that tree branch earlier was bad enough.” Zaria turned back and stalked away. “What a baby,” she whispered under her breath. Baby? Atari felt anger boiling up in her chest. I’ll show her. Atari wasn’t planning to do a second prank. But Zaria left her no choice. She slipped behind a tree so Zaria couldn’t see her. Then she pulled the chicken costume out of her backpack. Carefully, she slid off her glasses and climbed into the costume. Then she grabbed and shook a tree branch. Zaria stopped. She slowly turned around. “Atari, knock it off.” Oh, it’s not me, Atari thought to herself before sliding a mask on her face. Then she slid the recorder into the back of her costume. “Atari, where are you?” Zaria called.

“Behind this tree. I think I see a creature,” Atari said. “Yes! Finally!” Zaria turned around. Atari jumped out from behind the tree. “Buck, Buck, BUCK!” the recorder blasted. “Heebie-jeebies!” Zaria took off running. Atari snapped another picture of her sister. FINALLY! They were having some real fun!

Later that day, the girls built a fire back at their campsite. “Are you still not talking to me?” Atari asked Zaria, tossing a to the fire pit. The sun slowly dipped below the horizon. Smoke from the fire cast an amber glaze across the emerald sky.

Zaria never looked up from her tablet. Atari wondered if she was texting their parents and tattling on her. “You have to it it. Looking for creatures was getting pretty boring,” Atari said. Zaria didn’t say a word. “Okay, okay. I get it. You’re mad. I’ll just keep putting wood in the fire. I’ll even make some of your favorite treats. After you have some gooey marshmallows and yummy chocolate, you’ll forget all about my pranks.” Atari hoped so. She was beginning to feel bad about pranking her sister. “Don’t count on it,” Zaria said. “Ha! Gotcha! You talked to me,” Atari said. Zaria looked down at her tablet again. Atari smiled. She got up and headed to the tent to get the marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate. She knew her sister wouldn’t stay mad at her forever. Especially after eating a few delicious s’mores.

CHAPTER 5 SWALLOWED BY A SLEEPING BAG!

Inside the tent, Beep was shaking with fear. “Those creatures are making a fire so they can cook us!” Meep pressed the top of a metal canister. It sprayed something that smelled like a fresh breeze. “This smells good!” “One of the metal-mouthed creatures is coming toward us!” Beep whispered. He climbed underneath a blanket with his tablet. Meep didn’t hear Beep’s warning. He was too busy enjoying the smells from the canister. Besides, he didn’t understand why his brother was so nervous. Isn’t that why they were out here exploring? So that they could spot creatures? But then he heard a noise.

ZIP!

The tent’s door began to open up. Meep dove inside something soft to hide from the creature entering the tent. He kept the metal canister close in case he needed it.

Atari stepped inside the tent. It was dark, so she picked up the flashlight and

turned it on. She saw her comb on the ground. That’s weird, she thought. Then she noticed her spare glasses that were broken in half. Oh no! I must have stepped on these earlier. I’m going to get in so much trouble. Atari glanced at Zaria’s sleeping bag. It appeared lumpier than usual. That must be from when I put the plastic ants in her sleeping bag, she thought to herself. This trip would be so dull without practical jokes. Atari was hungry for s’mores, so she left the mess inside the tent. She quickly grabbed the ingredients and headed back out to the campfire.

After Atari left the tent, Beep climbed out from underneath the blanket. He peeked outside again and whispered, “It is safe, Meep. The creatures’ backs are toward us. But they’re still by the fire getting ready to cook us.” Meep could barely hear his brother. “Indeed, Meep! The monsters are so scary!” Beep exclaimed. “There’s a white blob stuck on a stick. One of the monsters is holding it over the fire. Oh my! The other creature is eating another white blob. Do you think they’re going to jab us with a stick and cook us over the fire?” “Beep! Please help!” Meep whispered. Beep turned around and looked at the strange, soft thing his brother was stuck inside. It resembled an animal with a mouth and a long, smooth body. Beep spotted a line of metal teeth on the creature’s front and side. “Meep! I think you’re inside the mouth of a monster,” Beep whispered harshly. “And it has metal teeth!” “Help me!” Meep whispered desperately. But he stayed quiet so the other metal-

mouthed creatures couldn’t hear him. Beep searched the tent for something to help his brother. He picked up an object with a round metal handle. He felt a button on the side and pushed it. Suddenly, the tent was flooded with light.

Atari used one hand to hold her stick over the fire and the other to pick bits of marshmallow out of her braces. Her parents were going to be mad enough over the broken glasses. She couldn’t mess up her braces too. Suddenly, a flash of light came from the tent. “Zaria, do you see that?” Atari stood up. Zaria still had her back to the tent. “I’m not falling for another practical joke.” “Look!” Atari screamed, pointing at the tent. Huge black shadows were wrestling inside. “You got me twice, but you won’t get me a third time,” Zaria said, crossing her arms. “I swear it’s not a joke. There are lights inside the tent.” Atari’s hands shook as she pointed. “Stop it. You should be ashamed of yourself.” Zaria sat her tablet down on the stone table. Atari stamped her foot. “It’s not a joke! Turn around and see for yourself.” “You’re such a baby. You’re just mad because I’m not falling for it.” “Seriously! It’s not a joke!” Atari’s eyes filled with tears. She wished she hadn’t tricked her sister so many times. Zaria was right. She was a big baby. And because of her practical jokes, they were in danger and might never see their parents again.

“EEEEEKKK!” Inside the tent, Meep screamed. “Help me! I’m being swallowed!” With the light from the metal object, Meep could see tiny black bugs at the sleeping bag’s bottom. Every time he moved, the black bugs jumped around. “And I’m being eaten alive by little bugs!” “I know what those are!” Beep exclaimed. “Those are killer ants in the beast’s stomach!” “I’m going to die!” Meep yelled, pointing the metal canister at the ants. He pushed the button to spray the bugs. But he sprayed himself right in the eye instead. “AAACKK! My eye!” Meep screamed. “You need to get out! The monster is eating you!” Beep yelled.

Outside the tent, Atari was running around in circles. “THOSE CREATURES ARE GOING TO KILL US!” she screamed. “What creatures?” Zaria finally turned around. “OH! Heebie-jeebies!” “I told you!” Atari screamed. Zaria grabbed her sister by the shoulders. “Promise me that whatever’s inside that tent, you have nothing to do with it.” Atari shivered with fear. “I swear. And I’m not even crossing my fingers this time.” “So, if it’s not you, then what’s in there?” Just then, the tent collapsed in a heap.

The twins watched as not one, but two purple aliens emerged from the crumpled tent. “Aliens!” Atari screamed. “Heebie-jeebies!” Zaria yelled. The girls ran toward the woods and into a giant tree stump. Except it didn’t look or feel like a regular tree stump. This stump had claws. Atari looked up to see two huge black eyes. They stared down at her from behind a giant orange beak filled with razor-sharp teeth!

CHAPTER 6 ATTACK OF THE METAL-MOUTHS

BUCK! BUCK! BUCKAAAWWWK!

“AAAAAKKK!” the girls both screamed and ran. Behind them, the Space Monster Chicken spewed its fiery breath at the girls. The scorching flames torched a tree above their heads. The tree turned to ash as the beast swung a sharp claw at Zaria. “Please tell me this is one of your practical jokes!” Zaria yelled at Atari as they sprinted into the woods. “I wish!” Atari pumped her arms and dodged sideways. The monster’s fire breath destroyed a bush next to her. “You mean … this is real?” Zaria asked with a shaky voice. “It’s really real!” Atari barely got out of the way of the monster’s knifelike claw. “Aaaggh! Heebie-jeebies!” Zaria yelled. The girls ran up to a hole made by the giant chicken’s feet. They jumped inside the crater and held their breath as the Space Monster Chicken stomped out of the trees. “Zaria, please tell me what to do.” Atari balled up inside the hole beside her sister.

“I don’t know! I left my tablet behind!” Zaria yelled as the ground shook. Tears streamed down Atari’s face. Her sister always knew all the answers. Maybe Atari should have been reading about creatures too, instead of spending so much time tricking her sister.

BOOM!

The ground shook as the fire-breathing chicken stomped and blew its blazing breath. Green trees, bushes, and grass turned black all around them. The girls huddled even closer together inside the hole. Maybe if they made themselves super small, the fire wouldn’t reach them. Then the beast stomped right over the crater and back into the woods. When things grew quiet, the girls untangled themselves from each other. “That was too close,” Atari said. Zaria ran her tongue furiously over her braces. “The beast is right in our path to get home. The only way we can get by is to defeat it. And what about those aliens? How will we get past both them and a giant fire-breathing chicken?” Atari wiped her eyes. Peeking out from the hole, she said, “I don’t see the monster or the aliens anymore. Maybe we can grab your tablet so you can look up the aliens and figure out what to do.” The girls climbed out of the crater and tiptoed back toward their campsite. But as they drew close, Meep and Beep appeared from behind a tree. “It’s the aliens!” The girls yelped and dove behind another tree. “The metal-mouthed monsters!” Meep and Beep said and ducked behind the tree again.

“Did you hear that?” Atari asked Zaria. “Someone out there said ‘metal-mouthed monsters.’” “Seriously?” Zaria shook her head. “You’re going to tell a joke at a time like this?” “We almost got killed by a Space Monster Chicken,” Atari responded. “The last thing I’m going to do is pull a joke on you now. You do all of the reading, so tell me what to do!” Zaria tapped her finger against her chin. “I did read that some Buck, Buck, Buck aliens can communicate through thoughts instead of words.” “That must be what I’m hearing,” Atari said. She thought for a moment. “These aliens are thinking a lot about a monster with a metal mouth.” “Great. That means there are even more monsters,” Zaria said. “They’re over there. Behind the tree,” Atari heard someone say. Or at least it sounded like someone talking. “What else are they saying?” Zaria asked Atari. “They think they see the metal-mouthed monsters behind a tree,” Atari said. Zaria placed her hands on her hips. “Why do you hear the aliens, and not me? I’m the one who researched these creatures.” “It’s because I have a more open imagination than you. I don’t just focus on books and tablets.” Atari shrugged. “That’s ridiculous,” Zaria said. “I know more about telepathy and creatures than you do.” “Some things can’t be explained in a guide or tablet,” Atari said. “You just have to believe, then you’ll hear them too.” “I guess I have nothing to lose.” Zaria stood still and closed her eyes tightly. “Wait, I think I hear something.”

“What do you hear?” Atari asked. “The aliens are trying to figure out how to beat both monsters,” Zaria said. “Yup. I hear that too!” Atari said excitedly.

“Can you hear that?” Beep asked Meep. “What?” Meep asked. “Telepathy,” Beep said. “I think those metal-mouthed monsters are telepathic.” “Like us?” Meep asked. “Yes. And the Space Colony creatures are scared of metal-mouthed monsters too,” Beep said. “What?” Meep said. “That doesn’t make sense. They’re the metal-mouthed monsters.”

“Wait a second. The aliens are saying they can hear us too. What should we do?” Atari asked. She was glad Zaria could also hear the aliens. She trusted her sister to get them out of this mess. “I guess we could give them a friendly wave. And then just think what we want to say?” Zaria shrugged. Atari and Zaria turned and waved at the aliens. “They’re waving back,” Zaria said.

“They still think we’re the metal-mouthed monsters for some reason,” Atari said. Zaria ran her tongue over her braces. “I wonder why they think that?”

CHAPTER 7 CREATURES UNITE!

Atari shut her eyes and concentrated. She thought as hard as she could. We’re from the Space Colony. We’re not monsters, and we won’t hurt anyone. Zaria and Atari watched as both Meep and Beep waved at them. We need to get home. Atari’s eyes welled up with tears when she thought about her parents and the Space Colony. Please help us. The purple aliens gave the girls a puzzled look. Zaria pulled Atari back into the hole. “I don’t think this is a good idea. You don’t know them! They could be evil!” “They don’t seem evil to me,” Atari said. “Besides, what other choice do we have?” “I’ve read about a lot of aliens in my books. You need to be careful.” Atari squeezed her eyes shut and thought hard again. If we work together, we can defeat the monsters. Suddenly, Atari heard the terrifying BUCK! BUCK! BUCKAAAWWWK!! sound again. The ground beneath them shook. The monster chicken was coming back! Please. Help us defeat the monster! Atari thought. The girls and the aliens emerged from behind their trees. The aliens were about the same height as the girls, but that’s where the similarities ended. Everyone introduced themselves through their thoughts.

Zaria finally grabbed her tablet from the rock. “I know we can defeat these chicken monsters so we can get home. We just have to figure out how to clear a path.” Beep sat next to Zaria and pulled out his own tablet. I agree. I’ve been working on a creature watching guide— “Me too!” Zaria shouted. She was delighted to work with another creature guide author. If only this 3-Buck Connect was better, he communicated through his thoughts. Atari looked at Meep. She concentrated and thought. I’d like to help. But I only know how to trick people with practical jokes. We can trick the monster, Meep communicated. Meep was right. Atari could trick the monster, just like she had tricked Zaria. “I have an idea! Let’s get back to the camp. I’ll tell you on the way,” Atari said. Atari explained her plan as the group ran back to the campsite. They quickly fixed the tent, and then they paired off and got to work. As the minutes ticked by, the ground shook harder and harder. Soon they heard the sound of stomping feet getting louder and louder.

CHAPTER 8 CHICKEN FLIGHT

BUCK! BUCK! BUCKAAAWWWK!

The new friends peeked out of the tent as FOUR Space Monster Chickens stomped toward them! The terrifying beasts opened their beaks to show off their razor-sharp teeth. Fire shot from their mouths, burning trees and bushes as they searched for the girls and aliens. Atari and Meep sprinted from the tent. They dropped whoopie cushions in the monster chickens’ path as they went. The Space Monster Chickens spotted Meep and Atari. The monsters stomped forward, squawking and breathing fire. With the ground quaking under her feet, Atari ran back to the tent. Meep barely escaped a burst of flames as he dove inside. Out of breath, Atari pressed play on the recorder. “It’s showtime!” “Buck, Buck, BUCK!” the recorder shouted. The Space Monster Chickens stopped and tilted their heads in confusion. As the monsters paused, Atari and Meep ran out of the tent. They raised their arms and stretched out as big as they could. The beasts took another step forward, stomping right on top of a whoopie cushion.

THBPBPTHPT!

A giant fart noise erupted and startled the chickens. It gave Meep and Atari enough time to use the snake cans. They pointed the cans and popped open the lids. Fake snakes sprang out at the fire-breathing beasts. The monsters twirled around to escape the snakes. One of the beasts became so dizzy it fell to the ground.

BOOM!

At the same time, Beep and Zaria ran up and sprayed deodorant at the other chickens’ eyes.

BUCK! BUCK! BUCKAAAWWWK!

The Space Monster Chickens roared over and over again. Dizzy and clucking in fear, they retreated into the woods. “We did it!” Atari cheered. “Yes, we did! Thanks to your practical jokes,” Zaria said, smiling. “So, they’re not a waste of time after all,” Atari said with a big grin. “I don’t know if I would go that far,” Zaria said. “You know what else? Your book smarts are just as important as my jokes!” Atari said, wrapping her arms around her sister in a big hug. “And one more thing,” Zaria said. “What’s that?” Atari asked. “With what we learned today, I’m sure I’ll win the science fair!” Zaria exclaimed. The girls then walked back to the Space Colony with their new alien friends. Atari and Zaria would never forget this day. It was the best and most epic birthday the girls had ever known.

GLOSSARY

canvas (KAN-vuhs) — strong, heavy cloth colony (KAH-luh-nee) — an area where people from another place settle and live dome (DOHM) — a structure shaped like half of a globe jester (JES-tur) — someone who likes to tell jokes or play pranks on others prank (PRANK) — a trick that is done to fool or startle someone spectacles (SPEK-tuh-kuhlz) — glasses used for correcting a person’s vision telepathy (tuh-LEH-puh-thee) — communication from one mind to another without speech or signs

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

Do you think it was fair that Atari had to set up the campsite by herself? Why or why not?

Have you ever explored a new place that you weren’t familiar with, like Zaria and Atari? What was it like?

At first the girls and the aliens were scared of each other. Were you ever nervous around someone you didn’t know? Compare your experience with the experience the girls and aliens had in the story.

WRITING PROMPTS

What would it be like to go on a camping trip on an alien planet? Think about what kind of planet you’d like to visit. Then write down a list of equipment and supplies you might need for your trip.

What do you think happened after Atari and Zaria returned to the Space Colony with their new alien friends? Write another chapter explaining what you think happens after the end of the story.

What might Zaria’s Buck, Buck, Buck Creature Watching Guide look like? Think about the various creatures that might live on the planet. Then create your own creature guide that describes what the creatures are like.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Keri Kelly is a comedy writer and award-winning author. She’s written for Penguin Books, the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, Little Old Lady Comedy, and many more. Keri holds an MFA in fiction from Rutgers University and studied comedy at The Second City comedy group. Keri also created and teaches a class in comedy writing at Rowan University. When she’s not writing, teaching, or laughing, Keri can be found surfing small waves with her family at the Jersey shore. Find out more at www.kerikelly.com.

ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR

Pedro Riquelme was born in 1995 in Malaga, Spain, where he has lived all his life. He has had a lifelong interest in art and studied Fine Arts. After graduating, Pedro specialized in digital drawing and 2D animation at Animum Creativity Advanced School. Today, he works as a freelance illustrator. Pedro’s pet cat, Toulouse, is named after Toulouse-Lautrec, who is one of the best-known artists of the 20th century.

JOKING AROUND

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? Because all they said was, “Bach! Bach! Bach!”

How do alien farmers harvest their crops? With tractor beams!

How did the chicken wake up? It had an alarm cluck!

How do aliens serve tea? On flying saucers!

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!

What did the alien say to the gardener? Take me to your weeder!

Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Fry-day!

What do you call an alien with three eyes? An aliiien!

Published by Stone Arch Books, an imprint of Capstone. 1710 Roe Crest Drive North Mankato, Minnesota 56003 www.capstonepub.com

Copyright © 2022 by Stone Arch Books. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the publisher.

Library of Congress Catag-in-Publication Data (to come) Names: Kelly, Keri, author. | Riquelme, Sr., 1995– illustrator. Title: The field guide to humans and other dangerous beasts / by Keri Kelly; illustrated by Pedro Riquelme. Description: North Mankato, Minnesota : Stone Arch Books, an imprint of Capstone, 2021. | Series: Michael Dahl presents: Side-splitting stories| Identifiers: LCCN 2021004123 (print) | LCCN 2021004124 (ebook) | ISBN 9781663911476 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781663911445 (pdf) | ISBN 9781663911452 (ebook) Subjects: CYAC: Space colonies—Fiction. | Human-alien encounters— Fiction.| Chickens—Fiction. | Sisters—Fiction. | Twins—Fiction. | Science fiction. | Humorous stories. Classification: LCC PZ7.1.K4525 Fi 2021 (print) | LCC PZ7.1.K4525 (ebook)| DDC [Fic]—dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021004123 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021004124

Summary: Twin sisters Atari and Zaria are about to have an unforgettable adventure! While exploring the planet Buck, Buck, Buck, they don’t know that they’re being watched by two aliens. When the girls discover the aliens hiding in their tent, chaos erupts as everyone runs for cover. But soon everything changes when a giant, fire-breathing monster appears! Will they all learn to work together to defeat the deadly beast?

Editor: Aaron Sautter Designer: Hilary Wacholz Production: Tori Abraham