Trials And Tribulations: The Musings Of A Cynical Optimist 4q5e62

Trials and Tribulations

The musings of a cynical optimist

Dr. Prajwal Kumar Domalapalli

Copyright © 2016 by Dr. Prajwal Kumar Domalapalli.

ISBN: Softcover 978-1-4828-7532-4 eBook 978-1-4828-7531-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

www.partridgepublishing.com/india

Contents

Acknowledgments

Foreword

1. I am

2. No mask for me, thank you

3. Your misplaced sense of self-righteousness

4. Groping in the dark

5. The hands that once rocked the cradle, the hands that broke the cradle

6. An apology……

7. Let me be

8. Is it fair?

9. War in a tranquil mind

10. Agony of a carceral

11. Another Cynical Rhyme…Well, It’s about time!

12. Cynical touch to a satisfying rhyme….

13. Vent - a necessity in spite of……

14. Am I cynic or a saddened Idealist?

15. Why is it that I strive so hard to rhyme?!

16. One more Rhyme….

17. Blood in the Water

18. My Rabid Thoughts

19. I know I’m somewhere in there!

20. The story that was never told, the story that failed to unfold

21. Bonne chance et au revoir

22. Culmination before Commencement?!!

23. The silent wait on an unplanned journey!

24. A salutation called ADIEU

25. What Life teaches!

26. Is there a God?

27. For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake

28. Hope

29. NEED

30. Faces of Water

31. My Dislocation- my weak attempt at a comic Rhyme!!

32. Sounds and scents of an ICU

33. Loser!!

34. Dear Mother,

35. To my dear lil sis!

36. You and me and friends to be!

37. She

38. Dare to Dream!

39. Until next time….

Dedicated to Ingi Thaatha 29-06-1934 to ∞

Acknowledgments

Thanks to all my teachers of the past, the present and the future. You make me realise how important it is for us to prioritize at every stage of our lives. Thank you friends who have seen me even in my worst conditions, and yet held me up and encouraged me to try and try! Thank you Priyanka, Meenakshi, Avathamsa, Avi, Divya Panda, Anil, Amit, Zen Saagar, Sruj, Sai, Swads, Santhu, and many many more. Thank you Ammaamma, Amma, Binny maama for your unwavering though all the tumultuous times. An honourable mention to Nanna for creating circumstances leading me to enter a sphere, the existence of which was hitherto unknown to me, allowing me to express myself in my chosen way. I would especially like to thank Ms. Marge Zen, Senior Publishing Conultant and Ms. Kathy Lorenzo, Publishing Services Associate for them having faith in this endeavour of mine, for their patience and guidance.

Foreword

What we have come to call poetry – is a well-constructed, deliberate space to enjoy and tussle with the experience of language and imagination. It is to seek the essential relationship between words and feelings, images and abstractions they describe and this has always been a poet’s difficult calling. It is not merely self-expression – the poet works hard at carefully drawing out his words and thoughts from the nexus of his imagination through the experience of the world around him. At first, the words do not yield. They sound like bald instructions – like those given for using a computer ‘press return’, ‘select file’, ‘double click’ etc., all very mechanical. But, even the specialized language associated with computers is not literal but metaphorical: the mouse, windows, desktop and bin. While the evolution of the use of language has obviously been functional, exchanging information with necessary clarity – its sounds and shapes, both spoken and written are also inevitably gestural. It is when the poet begins to question himself and everything around him that he begins to shed his ego like his skin while laying bare for all to see. To see things as they are, through many lenses and in front of many mirrors and still stay true. Then, he has liberated himself from the grammar of lies and exulted out in the pain of honesty. As he finally discovers, his words are out in the open – where light suffuses everything, making it more real than it ever has been. To the discerning reader, Prajwal Kumar offers an anatomy of this very rare industry. His poems are not just about poetry and about how poetry becomes possible but is also about coming to with and acknowledging the moments in which we were blind to our own humaneness. There is a gradual movement progressing from hard angry lines to deeper contemplative existential ones. Approaching various themes with a sense of mature simplicity and allowing you to indulge in nostalgia while still offering a fresh perspective every time you read his works. He has found his own way of responding to the experiences that all of us share and the ability to transport the readers to the destination of his mind. His voice is original, authentic and well-modulated indicating a formidable imagination and a sure footing in the world of contemporary poetry. Although, at

times reading his poems will occasionally leave you hurt and may bruise your sense of comfort. His vision is clear and life affirming and will make you want to return to reading them time and time again because they do not chart out a lonely course. They appeal to the poet in all of us. I have been able to recognize myself in many of them and so will other readers, for whom this foreword is intended for.

Zen Sagar, Heretic amongst heretics.

1. I am

I know not how to lie, Yet truth isn’t all that I speak, I know not how to fly, Yet I do enjoy the trial leap!

My mind has a direct synapse with my tongue, No inhibitory neurotransmitters there, I believe in keeping my words soothing, But I do know how to swear!

I either love truly, or truly loathe, Those who matter to me don’t mind, Those who mind don’t matter to me, Towards them I’m dumb, deaf and blind.

I may seem calm at most times, I tolerate many a jab, any amount of strife, but cross paths with those few very dear to me,

I will mess with you my entire life.

To be my friend be good to my dear ones, Once you are, I’ll forever be loyal, I’ll go out of my way, to any extent, To make you feel special, even royal!

I am and will always be optimistic, At least that’s the eventuality, I’ll make you feel the same way if you’re down, This is MOST of my truth, My reality.

2. No mask for me, thank you

Why is it so wrong to be just me? Why should you look at me so differently? Just because I disagree to agree I am to be out-casted so openly?

Yes I don’t conform to your standards, for reasons that should be obvious, those standards are yours, not mine, Living by my own is so blasphemous?

I don’t want to change myself, just so that you are pleased by my transition, I want to live my life the way I want to, I loathe any form of pretention.

Yes, maybe that’s why I’m stuck in this rut, May be that’s why I lost love twice, I’d rather not spend my life with my eyes selectively shut,

I’d prefer not to sleep on a bed of lies.

I won’t wear a mask to cover my face, however difficult for you it may be to see my face as God gave it, the mask may be soothing, but it just isn’t me!

I will stand by my principles, how much ever it may hurt, whatever I may lose, that’s the point of having them in the first place, You can’t let adversities change your every muse.

I don’t know what else is in store for me, If I continue to tread this path I chose, At least when I’m done I’ll be satisfied, I walked MY OWN, be it of thorn, be it of rose.

3. Your misplaced sense of self-righteousness

**the title is a borrow from the time-enduring words of the inimitable character of the Joker portrayed by the late Heath Ledger from Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight”**

So all those memories are a lie? I’m still in disbelief that I didn’t see it, So all that time I was myself with you, You didn’t like it one bit?

You found all my care a burden? You found all my feelings a pain? All those words I said to you when I did, were all washed away in the rain??

It wasn’t easy for me to open up, I did because I thought you wanted me to, God damn it you made me feel you wanted to know, And you found that suffocating too?!

I know I can care too much, enough to smother you out of breath, but weren’t my confessions an explanation enough? You knew I was living death.

People pretend to be what others want to love, I’m sorry I ignored this dictum, All those things you said you loved about me, Deep within you hated every one of them?

Oh, you were protecting my feelings?! You were just being nice and polite? You really thought when the curtains come down on your pretence, it’s going to be alright?!

You should have told me what was going on, Rude or painful as that might have been to me, For your misplaced sense of self-righteousness, Has made the words ‘hope’ and ‘trust’ meaningless to me.

4. Groping in the dark

Darkness persistently surrounds me, And I am groping around for light, when will I comprehend that for me, for now, it’s going to be all night?

I know that eventually there might be a day, when everything will shine and become bright, Someone will come holding a beacon, and bring some much needed light…

But I’m not craving for that day, I’m not praying, waiting or hoping, because I want to start seeing in the dark, I’ve gotten used to groping……..

5. The hands that once rocked the cradle, the hands that broke the cradle

And this day is going to come again like it does every year I don’t mourn this day, not just because by effect I wouldn’t be here, It just brings back the sting, the burn, the throe, the sorrow, All year I spend trying to forget it till today, for I dread tomorrow.

It’s no longer the hate in my veins that still is running unforeseen, That ended long ago, nothing left to say, nothing sweet, nothing mean, But it’s ironic how this day’s perception has changed in the time gone by, From waiting enthusiastically for it to arrive, now it’s lingering for it to by.

I know this makes me sound insensitive, I know my words are aggressive, I know I say I harbour no sentiment any more, active or ive, There are wounds that heal, and there are scars that won’t disappear, But then there are the blemishes that still haunt my nights with fear.

I honestly don’t know how to perceive this day or how to acknowledge it, I mean I become so blind, she’s right here but I can’t fathom how she feels it, It may have affected her more than it ever affected me, I don’t know

But when it ended, it did, no memories lost, no moments borrowed.

I strive to metamorphose all the residual emotions into motivation, I try to show that I remain unfazed, ignoring the sense of asphyxiation, I have to apprise the effect you still have on me, for all the act drains me out, I can’t believe it is silent, for all I am doing is letting out a long, arduous, agonized shout.

6. An apology……

Clarification is such a weird concept to perceive, A very thin line between reason and excuse for one to see, I did what I did and those deeds I cannot undo, But I never felt anything more real, this guilt thinking about you….

It’s such a predicament on how to handle this now, After the very many deeds I did, some good, some foul, I can stand erect and disseminate all words of accuse, But not with the substantial risk of my reasoning seeming an excuse….

But with all my ego and self pity pushed aside momentarily, I truly am sorry for lashing out and missing my opportunity, I call it mine because I consider it my loss of something enchanting, I thought I matured, but on the contrary I reacted to rejection by ranting!!

I do however did expect minimal understanding from you, My life was a puzzle but it was no Kirk’s Kobayashi Maru, You didn’t have to step into my shoes to know what it was like to be me,

You ignored all that, that was a little hard for me to perceive..

This is not exactly me extending an olive branch or waving a white flag, I’m nowhere near the vicinity of evil, but my innocence is not for to brag, I do want to apologize for the crime of a particular rhyme I inscribed, I burnt the bridge, but I do wish purely for posterity on your side, unlimitedly imbibed….

7. Let me be

To err is very much Human, I’ve erred more than once, I’d try my best to learn from them, If you could just give me a chance.

It is for me to try my hand at, Please don’t stand so close around me, breathing down my neck, glaring at the slightest misstep, Don’t bring in your own self, please move, let me see….

Yes you were a great mentor, But will you forever be? Don’t I deserve a chance to try? Can’t I ever be just ME?

I know it can pain, I know it can hurt, I know I can crash, I know I can burn, If destiny has me burning my hands,

Let me be the one lighting the spark.

Let me fall and eventually get up, And then let me fall some more, For unless you release me from your firm grip, I can never swim to reach the shore…..

8. Is it fair?

Is it fair? that he’s the one who betrays, he’s the one who lies and cheats, Yet I’m the one forced to hide face?

Is it fair? that he commits the blasphemy, he’s the one causing the pain, yet I’m the one with the apology?

Is it fair? that he abdicates all responsibilities, I’m the one taking it up, yet they question my abilities?

Is it fair? that whatever atrocities he has committed, whatever treacheries he’s done,

his deeds from memories are omitted?

Is it fair? that till yesterday I was considered mature, my arguments against him deemed right, But now that he’s gone, I’m immature?

I know what he is to me, Yet he chose to walk away from me, the debris still stands a testimonial to his ill deeds, this shouldn’t affect me?

So please, don’t expect me to bow my head, I cannot respect him or show gratitude, to the man who shattered my family and peace, I’m fine this way, I love my niche, my solitude.

9. War in a tranquil mind

And finally it’s happening, the answers are all materializing, Issues left in suspended animation, are substantially resolving, All this while, waiting was the toughest experience to go through, But what came to be now, was worth the wait, a perfect follow through…

I’m finally stepping in the right direction, treading the right path The path called tranquillity, after years of external and self-inflicted wrath, I breathe easier now, the weight has all but been lifted, I walk on a determined road now, gone are the days when I just drifted….

Finally, I see why that surreal entity failed to unfold, It was not just that the wrong was uttered but that the right was never told, Closure is such a wonderful thing, like the first breath taken after birth, I have one less trigger of nightmares, that practically feels like a rebirth!

I finally took a stand on the other predicament haunting my existence, Sympathy didn’t turn out to be a strong enough reason for persistence, I still am not sure about the consequences of that decision,

Was it absolution or did it set me on a road to perdition?!

But he will always remain the black hole of all pleasant perceptions, He will haunt my dreams, till death from the point of conception, His is an issue that will not resolve in any era, For that I’m paradoxically grateful, that he remains my chimera!

For he fuels me to achieve what is seemingly insurmountable, He gives me the drive to push my limits and accumulate accolades uncountable, For I fear being at peace will make me complacent and shunt my ability, Thank you for your condemnable deeds, it keeps me at war in tranquillity:)

10. Agony of a carceral

It’s still hard to believe that I strive to consign to oblivion your very existence, despite the soothing, sweet precipitation, I never realized till now the importance of ‘control’ over situations, That when one doesn’t have it, the deficiency can surmount any conviction.

I always hated the adage, ‘good things must come to an end’ I believed everything precious should be easy to defend, I tried everything, but I was in my own way unknowingly, Strong principles dissipated my options inadvertently…

I’m trying to live as close to reality as possible, I try to believe in eventualities that seem plausible, Yes, I’ve given up, though I promised not to, But not in the way ‘giving up’ is defined by you….

I stand by the path I chose to tread, though I may seem a reprobate, But I promise to every moment with every breath I take, I may not have done all the right things, in every sense and aspect,

But the accord, which may be no more, deserves the respect.

None of this is intended to sound even remotely morbid, I don’t regret any decisions, anything that I did, Action is all that is and can ever be in my containment, Results, repercussions, consequences happen, without consent!!

11. Another Cynical Rhyme…Well, It’s about time!

I’m done with my quest for tranquillity, it’s about time, It hasn’t been long, but then again there’s just too much grime, Somehow kinship has lost it’s meaning in translation, Stuck in a rut, no signs of transition…

Like every therapeutic substance made to date, every association seems to come with an expiry date, ‘Savour the favour while it lasts’, ‘Live in the moment’, Okay, I will, but what about all those residual whispers in my head? those words of endearment?

Enjoy being drenched in the rain and it becomes a storm, Content with the sunny day, and then scorched to a burnt form, Why should I sit waiting for the spring or the autumn breeze It’s going to end, and winter’s right there, ready to freeze.

Cynical? yes! Self-pitying? yes! Unable to see the brighter side? affirmative! I know there are worse things in life, I know I have a better life than many to live,

But I’m in my life, not yours, you’re in yours, not mine! No proverbial shoes to change here, I have a right to sit and pine!

No venom being spat in any direction now, Revenge is not something I enjoy anymore somehow! I’ve forsaken belief in fate or destiny, Life obviously ends, no sense in the word eternity!

All said and done, this is my stance from here on out, I’ve found a new nemesis, to battle and fight out, It’s called FUTURE, now go on and give me your best blow, I will still survive, I will stand tall, I will continue to grow!!

12. Cynical touch to a satisfying rhyme….

I had a lot of trouble with the choices I was making, I left lots of foundations broken and others left shaking, I wanted to be there for her, didn’t matter how much the rain pelts, But she’s not for me, she’s meant for someone else.

With a broken smile I chose to make someone else smile, But I keep going back, irrespective of how many forwardly driven miles, I know this rain will not for ever mercifully precipitate, It’s going to stop and reveal the tears on my face.

But my new found companion, I solemnly promise, You were a personal choice, not a calculated risk, I may rake up a lot of mud from past, but none in your direction shall be shoved, You are blissful and understanding, you will be loved.

I love my space, I love solitude, I love unplugging the phone, But I will not cocoon myself when I am needed, I will enslave myself towards you, like a drone,

I will not let my rage scorch you, my fire will not seethe, Doesn’t matter how cold it may get, it will not get any harder for you to breathe….

But that smile she had will always haunt, I’ll never write to her again, because there’s never a right font, I will live on despite the existence of what can never be more true… Whether I change my mind or you change yours; I will never be with you!

13. Vent - a necessity in spite of……

Why did I not take my pills today? Is this why I’m so uptight this day? Is this why my thoughts are all astray? Am I no longer above the fray?

Random thoughts fill my amygdala, I wallow in self-pity while others enjoy their own gala, It’s not that I covet their felicitous mood, Pathetically my effort is directed to avoid being rude!

No one to talk to, not to undermine the listeners, But should I vent my feelings and render them emotional prisoners? I am a new kind of a selfish, egoistical, nosy freak, I find sadistic pleasure in personal lives, I make them speak!

Right now? My career is on hold, and so are all relationships, Why shamelessly reveal this? To redundantly hope for the pain to snip, I tried augmenting relations, thought I was a sincere sweet-talker,

But I was made to realize that I am nothing more than a glorified stalker!!

I’m not new to any sort of a quandary, Happens more often than cleaning my laundry, On an optimistic note, here’s a hope, a prayer, a self-assurance, I will fight back and return because I trust my maternally-inherited endurance.

14. Am I cynic or a saddened Idealist?

I don’t strive to try to be part of a group, be it familial, political, a band or a troop, I am human, so apparently a social animal, But I love my solitude, surrounding humans being minimal.

Am I learning to be sovereign and strong? Or am I just wallowing in self-pity and past-wrongs? Why am I shying away from those who care about me? Why do I feel the need for attention from an indifferent being?

I did all, I pushed beyond my limits to assist, and yet I don’t belong, I’m not a part of the ‘fav’ list, I don’t wince, irrespective of the wound or bleed, I hurt myself, just to make sure that I can still feel.

Neither this rhyme nor its theme is new, But then again the circumstances are all skew, Yes, I may sound continually acrid,

But I don’t care if I am morbidly repetitive or repetitively morbid!

15. Why is it that I strive so hard to rhyme?!

The same incidents keep doing an encore, ‘Difference’ has no meaning to me anymore, Nothing comes even close to healing, not even time, Is this why I strive so hard to rhyme?!

A hole appears, and keeps growing deeper, A hurdle materializes, and keeps growing steeper, “Can I take a break?”, “No, this is not the time!!” Is this why I strive so hard to rhyme?!….

I don’t want to stop writing just because My scripts feed someone’s ego, someone’s cause, I wonder if I care if that ‘one’ feels arrogantly important and prime, Is this why I strive so hard to rhyme?!……

‘Hate’ has lost all love with me, Even ‘love’ has started to hate me, I hurt myself to make sure I still feel, in spite of all the grime,

Is this why I strive so hard to rhyme?!……

Definitions of ‘lie’ and ‘truth’ have changed since I last checked, Everything seems to lay in disarray, all torn and wrecked, Food has lost taste, the sun its rays, every song has its chime, Is this why I strive so hard to rhyme?!…….

But then again every second, with every breath, I do live on, forgetting the existence of death, I still write to vent, to cleanse, to fall and then begin to climb, This is why, I still try very hard to rhyme!

16. One more Rhyme….

So here I go for the umpteenth time, hoping to strike the perfect rhyme, not really sure what theme to grind, too many strings wired in mind!

Making progress on the professional front, now making logical decisions, no freaky stunts, but yet it seems all normal and plain, no sense of achievement, no sense of gain!

Still falling back on the occurrences of the past, it’s like I’m under influence of a spell that’s been cast, I did rhyme before saying that I broke free I guess I was lying, to you and to me!!

Smiling faces!! Count blessings!! Happy thoughts!! Yes, done, counted so many that now they’ve begun to rot! Platitudes are aplenty but they don’t give any solace,

But at the right time and in the right tone, not completely worthless.

But here I stand, I stand alone because I dare to, I don’t aim to earn too much fame or abundant fortune, of the many goals and end-games I chose to aspire to, is to make him repent, atone, lament and forever rue.

Am I Vengeful? Spiteful? Well I may be, I didn’t exactly choose this, don’t you see?! I don’t blame fate either, that is for cowards! I chose my path, no excuses, I am moving forwards!!

17. Blood in the Water

Time and again I’ve tried hard to restart, I make a plan, but it never gets off the chart, But now is the final cut, it’s do or it’s slaughter, Can’t afford to fail now, there is blood in the water.

Things are spiralling completely out of control, Nothing is stable, certainty itself seems to be unsure, The mind shows things I never dreamed of visualising, Well, after days of hallucinations, nothing can be surprising!

I was going to take some time off, go on a sabbatical, No amount of time seems to be ample, I fear that while I am taking a much needed break, Life will move on, it will begin to overtake.

Everything has been torn apart, now lies in disarray, Shattered dreams, no more smiles, no more ‘above the fray’ Every move, every motive will now be under scrutiny,

I didn’t see this coming, every second now is mutiny.

But I guess I needed to see this bullet hole, Pressure alone can bring out diamond from coal, Now I grow up, I face the music and fight harder as I lie exposed and vulnerable, because now there is blood in the water!

18. My Rabid Thoughts

I react rabidly for what people call trivial, I try to push away those I care for, when their presence is vital, I tell myself I don’t need attention but my actions beg to differ, I want to be irresolvable, yet being isolated makes me suffer.

God, I loved him, he was my idol, my go-between, He turned out to be iniquitous, and I shoved him off, never to be seen, I miss him every moment, every day, I mask that with ignominy, With loathe of proportions equiponderating infinity

I loved her, not as a rebound, not to compensate my perdition, Her timing seemed god-sent, I wanted to suffocate her with undiluted attention, I did, I guess to the point of hindering her goal of sovereignty, I it I felt down-trodden, but I ired her pragmatic tenacity.

My response to the above two incidents have been ominous, I aggravated anger towards the former, from the latter I sought clarifications fortuitous,

I abused him on his face, I abused her integrity in verbalization which was malicious, I chose the wrong ways to cope, for which I’ll always be licentious.

For she had her reasons for all her deeds, I shouldn’t have persisted to grab what I need, But I kept losing a pillar after another, I stand here questioning What is right, what is wrong, what is any deed’s meaning?

I proclaim I don’t care how others perceive me and my persona, And yet I publish this chronicle without a shred of honour, I’m doing this because I need to rhyme and therefore uncage all the suppressed, concealed, monolithic rage!!

19. I know I’m somewhere in there!

It’s been such a weird road for such a long time, So much that has been told and sometimes all mime, The words that should have never been uttered, the meanings banned, The glass that never existed just turned into sand…

So much for hoping for things to get better, So much for the vocabulary and writing the letters, So much for trying to pretend it’s all part of song to sing, So much for waiting for the clouds and the rain they might bring.

All that was just a little game for you, You were moving the strings, watching me dance for you, I may have seemed to you like a puppet made of plaster, But you missed a point, You’re not a puppet-MASTER!!

It feels good to break free of the chains and out of arrest, Finally, I am able to breathe without a nagging pain in the chest, Finally, I can see, listen, taste and feel,

Life’s suddenly a flower from a dried old peel!!

But I do have more pleasure, from a sadistic eye, I know you say you are never reminded of me, I know you lie, I know you snuggle up after a day’s work, thinking all’s dandy and fair, But I know you have nightmares and I know I’m right THERE!!

20. The story that was never told, the story that failed to unfold

The juggernaut is fast approaching, The moment for me to say the most painful goodbye, I always knew nothing could ever prepare me for it, But to think I wouldn’t get a chance to try?

The intensity, the propensity of the unexplainable, the intolerable, the unbearable, the inevitable, the insurmountable pain that spread through every nerve, every fibre, every vein, is not just unforgettable, but paradoxically memorable.

I’ve fought hard before to acquire my desires, I’ve never feared any form of adversity, But I’d never seen this coming my way, my struggle to find a place in her memory.

There were acts committed driven by pure desperation, But I don’t regret even having swallowing my ego, But I’ve never learnt and I hope I never will,

that nothing will change whatever I forgo.

I could cry my eyes out dry, I could yell till my lungs give out, I could punch the walls till my fists bleed, But to a deaf ear, what’s the point of a shout?!

So this is it, my final statement, I bid adieu not to a body or to a soul, But I say goodbye to something that should have blossomed, a relationship, a story, a tale that failed to unfold!

21. Bonne chance et au revoir

Silent screams are surrounding this austere milieu, I hate everything about you, yet I love every inch of you! You went left and I had to go right, yes, the wrong turns, I know I was scrupulous, yet in my stomach, it incessantly churns!

Oh no, not a suicidal or a deleterious of my thoughts, It is about what was lost despite the sincerest acts of sought, I do not believe in pre-determined phenomena, But how things unfolded, I can’t help but acknowledge the enigma!

I sit and wonder I am wanting and am behaving childishly, Am I wishing for you because you are moving away inexplorably? Reasons may be many, rationalizations even more. I’m happy if you are, just don’t want things turning sore!!

So your progenitors said no for the most ridiculous of reasons, I spent years to reason with them, nothing changed except the seasons!! But this is the most mature way of handling this stereotypical catastrophe,

I have myself to blame, for goading you into this seen and unforeseen infirmity…

My adios in the sincerest form possible humanly, I will eschew from ever ing or replying to you tangibly, Because you need to prioritize the greenhorn entering your life, All the best my friend, The end. No bitterness, no strife! :)

22. Culmination before Commencement?!!

Tears keep running down my face, leaving me confounded, Are these tears of joy, of sorrow, or tears just un-ed? I began to see the light yet again; doors to the beacon, were opened up to me, Should I have closed my eyes? For in darkness I already learnt how to see….

Clarity always existed, but still hazy, no double words, no confusion at the either end, Circumstances and fate as usual played their devious little game meant to bend.. ..every thought, every deed, every word and words stood at risk of misinterpretation, but the voice that spoke those words was no hypocrite, just had trouble in assimilation of a pitiful situation.

The root of that voice’s turmoil was out of personal control, so no guilt warranted, Apologies were made on both sides, different reasons for them, yet bilaterally meant, But the very persisting, pursuing, eating-me-from-inside is this one simple question, Is this the end? Before it really began? Does that happen? Or is this an intermission?

I saw too much into the future sadly, sad because I overlooked the present, It’s not JUST the voice, it’s also me, I accelerate thoughts in every aspect, and that in me I resent, Because of my current cynicism, I cannot forgive the vacillation in the voice’s thought, But it’s all explainable, because even with me, a huge baggage is what I seemed to have brought.

Defensive. Word that best describes my current stance, my thought’s presence, Emotions want me to feel the same way as I did before, but rationale warrants defence, I for now have no apologies to convey, I did no wrong to the voice, I don’t know what I am hoping, I don’t know if this is the beginning of the end or an end of the beginning…….

23. The silent wait on an unplanned journey!

I bespeak myself to a grind and the time seems to rush at unforeseen velocity, but the wait for you seems to last not less than any eternity, seconds crawl into minutes, minutes creep into hours, time doesn’t turn, is it a sin to anticipate without a vision? for if it is, the sin does burn…..

I close my eyes and reflect on the not so distant past, every moment, I’m again letting myself out, with arms wide open, my torso imprudent, nothing to stop me from a bleed, should a shot be fired straight, but I like this posture, I enjoy this vulnerable wait!

It’s easier to have nothing envisaged, nothing planned, nothing held in anticipation, It’s new to let myself in the sea and let the tide take me to any destination, I’ve tried going by the map before, going through every pit stop, every checkpoint, I crashed, I got burnt, I fell on unyielding ground, face first, scars at every t.

I haven’t even actually planted the seed that grew out this shoot,

I am oblivious to the strength of its existence, unaware of the depth of the root, But yes, I want to water this sapling, let it have all the sunlight it needs, I want to see it grow, free of my unwarranted thoughts, implications or deeds….

I don’t mind being blind to what may unfold, I don’t mind being deaf to opinions expressed and foretold, This unplanned journey could last days or may see many seasons, Embarking unplanned is not wrong for the right reasons, and not right for the wrong reasons!

24. A salutation called ADIEU

Cannot fathom the consequences and simply the occurrences of the present, Seems like a hitherto unknown blend of serenity and torment, I stand by as I watch my world alter to the point of insanity, I stand alone, I stand incapacitated, I stand watching the calamity.

Though it may not seem so, I do not intend to whine, The sole purpose of this insomnia-driven scribble is an attempt at a decent rhyme, Because it’s as simple as wanting to hold on to what I can still operate, My will to do what I dream to and not be controlled by the so called ‘fate’.

I cannot but help apologize, I’m sorry I couldn’t stand by my word, But to continue like nothing happened? That would define the word ‘absurd’, There lies a huge difference between choosing a path and being coerced into one, But you just see path I chose, not how I was made to start to tread upon…..

I don’t want to say what I felt for you was agape or that I was being altruistic, I don’t want to start flinging mud but you left no room for me to be optimistic,

Predictions, traditions, customs, praxes, heritage and lore, How did compliance still make everything so irreparably sore?

This is not intended to be a sad ballad, sorrowful tune, or depressing chord, I’m smiling right now, because you are the sweetest creation of the Lord, But it boils down to this, somethings in life are not meant to be, I’m not meant for you, and you are not meant for me…..

25. What Life teaches!

I try hard and create a spark, But it’s even harder saving it from the dark, every decision, every thought is put to test, Yes I can fight, but I do need a rest.

It’s exhausting to keep smiling, just to keep the tears from showing, light at the end of the tunnel they say, yeah keep saying that, I’m the one with the price to pay!!

But I guess life keeps teaching at every step, makes one aware, makes one adept, makes you choose, makes you decide, you make mistake, life always gives a second try.

Things just go by like a flash of light, I stay left, life goes right, I guess all I can do is stand upright,

and hope to do so after the ing tide!

Come to think of it, it all makes perfect sense, Why sometimes we cry, why we get so tense, Light as we see is light because of the darkness, If we never cried, laughing would make no sense!!

26. Is there a God?

So here’s a universal query, Is there a God? An Almighty? At least a fairy? Is there more beyond this realm of search for purpose, for an invisible root of a visible stem?

Or is it a desire best left unfulfilled for a force driving the driven, punishing the uncivil? of a force that alleviates consequences of so called blasphemy? of an element, a loner’s eternal company?

If one vouches for such a power, the atheist in me asks why this beacon allows slaughter? If this God is so caring, how can God sleep seeing all this suffering?

But the believer in me questions this suggestion, Isn’t a man solely responsible for another’s frustration? who made knives and guns and tanks and bombs?

who killed Gandhi? Lincoln? Who does these wrongs?

The atheist in me rubbishes the existence of any supernatural power, the theist in me asks how is the existence of us? Skies? Trees? Flowers? Every desire exists only for and assured satisfaction, Like hunger has food, thirst has water, plan has action.

I believe in the existence of a sort of case-control, by standards of which we judge our flow, because even the best of atheists can’t ignore, the existence of a Moral law that guides every folklore.

27. For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake

It doesn’t matter how tough the going can get, With you by my side, I never need to fret, For you, I’d always love to give and feel privileged to take, For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake.

My boundless insecurities just blow away, For it’s you, the one above the fray, You make every hurdle seem like a piece of cake, For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake.

You can never be too far for me to reach, No wall can be too hard for me to breach, I’d cross the tallest of mountains and deepest of lakes, For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake.

I’d disturb anyone who’d dare to perturb you, I’d fight any enemy, any friend for you, No issue can then be too big to rake,

For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake. You’re worth every effort, every drop of sweat, You’re worth every challenge, every risk, every bet, I’d attempt anything, whatever is at stake, For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake

You’re the lyrics, the tune, the rhythm of my song, When I’m down, all I need to do is play you on, You’re the sweetest creation the Lord could make, For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake.

You keep the blood running warm in my veins, You make me feel secure enough to hold the reins, No obstacle can stop the momentum begun for your sake, For you I’m alive, For you I’m awake!

28. Hope

I know you’ve gone, never to return, yet I stare at the path you had to leave me to tread, hoping to see you walk the same trail, Backwards this time instead.

I know you won’t change your mind, and that it isn’t in my power to either, yet I can’t stop myself from hoping, because the alternative is for me to wither.

I did my best to comfort you, It was no selfless deed on my part, I wanted to be near you, And now I witness us drifting apart.

You share not the feelings that I have for you, Not in the same way at least to see, which leaves me in such a predicament,

I want you to have what you want, but your want is not me.

It’s been a long time, I should have forgotten you, yet I’m still playing this losing game, I keep hoping that the voice was yours, each time I hear the sound of my name.

I know not how deep the ground lies underneath, I do know I’m clinging to a loose ended rope, but I cannot let go of it to hold something else, I can’t help but wait, I can’t help but hope.

29. NEED

There are needs and there are desires, some lukewarm, some seething like fire, But don’t stop hoping, but please do pay heed, You can’t always get what you need.

Achieving it may seem perfect, even utopic, May make you happy, even euphoric, May seem like a sole reason to breathe, But you can’t always get what you need.

The hope and need have been providing unlimited tranquillity, But the perceived persona may be different from reality, It’s not exactly fox and sour grapes, always winning may be blissful indeed, But you can’t always get what you need.

This is not a cynical of affairs, Trying to keep things real, honest and fair, Blind faith makes fear take the wheel,

You can’t always get what you need.

Don’t stop dreaming because the past was unfulfilling, Don’t stop trying just because the past was not fruit-bearing, Don’t let giving up be a part of your creed, But , you can’t always get what you need!

30. Faces of Water

Attempting to wander into a new sphere… arguably a childish take on a deep subject!

So we know water is omnipresent, We see and feel it everywhere, So let me try and show you something, Something you’ve seen, but may be never noticed there!

We hope to be as serene as the ocean, We dream to flow strong like a river, We like to know as much as the sea, We ire it’s ability to intimidate, push or sliver.

When we cry we call it a tear, The sweet drop off a leaf is called dew, The proof of working desire is called sweat, Water has many names, these are a few!

We want to rise high to reach our goals, Like a tide reaching for the moon, Water can take any shape, Like we do to make our muse swoon!

We like to call nature a mother, So then, who can be called her daughter? Who else can be legitimate for that title, Than the multi-faceted body called WATER!!

31. My Dislocation- my weak attempt at a comic Rhyme!!

It was a bright sunny morning, was cycling down to my sister’s place, When an Auto driver decides to race and increases his pace, And suddenly to escape an impending obstruction, turns left, rams into me resulting in my shoulder’s dislocation!

In spite of the blinding, seething, scorching pain, Many questions pop in, like ‘why did I choose this lane?’, Why the hell did my right humerus have to jump out of its socket? How much of a hole will this burn into my pocket?

I managed to pop the damn thing back in, not sure how I managed it, I mean every page of my orthopaedics book used to scream ‘JUST QUIT’ A transient soothing relief from pain ensued, thought order was back in store, Who knew what I’d face next was going to be so much more?!!

I go to the orthopaedic, against my better judgement, Every minute in there added a new predicament, I never really, after the fall, moan, groan or cry,

But he wanted big tests, like a CT and an MRI.

Now as a person I’m not really at all stingy, I hate spending on myself, now that’s thrifty! But that Doc was right, he had to rule out a rotator cuff tear, Because, God bless him, who’d know otherwise, what was wrong and where?!

The ramifications of the dislocations were both painful and funny, Made me realise that I think too much of money, Made me realise there are things worse than physical pain following a blow to my scrotum, Like the mental agony I felt in the bathroom, realising that i cannot reach my rectum!

I always insisted on feeling everything first hand, because life is short, But I guess that was too much of a wish, especially of this sort! But this is a fun experience in itself, it did bring me out of a dry spell, I haven’t written rhymes in a while, this incident broke the spell!

32. Sounds and scents of an ICU

How different is the world inside this enclosure? Subtle, but filled with moments of disclosure, a dynamic setting with requirement of a good sense of anticipation, To crusade any possible change in the existing equilibrium….

Every change, however inconspicuous or minute, can have a corpulent effect and always does in mind of the astute, decimal changes in values fastidiously looked for, because those can change the whole milieu, creating an uproar!

Every beep has a meaning, every blip has a warning, every groan is a symptom, it’s the body yearning, every drop of every fluid has a justification for its existence, every chemical has an impact by abundance or subsistence….

Things are not as morbid as I may have made it sound, It’s always dynamic, exciting stuff to be found… Eyes, ears and even the nose have importance in being open,

Because you don’t want to check p/a while the patient has a bowel movement!!

This is a place where we strive to achieve stability, to create a very fickle and a very elusive tranquility, It is fun in here if one wants to learn and also serve, For, in this transition zone, life is preserved!

33. Loser!!

Expressed as a contemptible person of unhappy circumstances, I choose to define it differently, trying to foray into a new stance! Trying my best here not to sound morbid, Don’t search for anyone in here, this is neither a euphemistic rhyme, neither candid:)

A loser isn’t someone who’s lost one progenitor, He’s someone who forgets he’s still loved by the other! A loser isn’t someone who’s lost dignity in love, He’s someone who feels nothing, seeing someone who’s devoid of!

A loser isn’t someone who’s badly stuck with a rebound, He’s someone who doesn’t learn to enjoy what comes around:) A loser isn’t someone who’s lost all his blinding shining, he’s just someone who’s blind to a silver lining:)

A loser isn’t a guy who is known only for his past glories, he’s someone who can neither relish this, nor can he use them to create future stories,

A loser isn’t someone who keeps wallowing in self-pity, he’s just so into it, he misses anything that comes by serendipity:)

He’s someone who fails to find his deep seated obsession, He’s someone who wants it easy, tempting into every distraction, he just won’t let the sorrows of the past burn, he defines himself by them, saving them in an urn.

He’s someone who’s capable of using 80% of his brain, but spends a good 100% just trying to remain sane, he loves to hate others, loves to loathe himself deep, He’s blind to all that is pleasant, voluntarily closes eyes, wouldn’t just peek!

He doesn’t realise he has a loving single parent, dedicated to the very life of him, He has a re-found love, to enjoy, even if it isn’t meant for him, He feels lonely even after more than 300 birthday wishes said, He claims to be a loner despite having perennial visitors by his hospital bed!!

He is this and so much more!! He complains about being wet even after reaching the shore, despite his vast repertoire he’s insecure and falls shy,

Oh I thank the dear lord NOT LETTING ME BE THAT GUY!!!

34. Dear Mother,

How is that you see through my eyes? You walk through like they’re open doors, I try and shut them to hide my pain, But you just glide through in straight to my core

I tried to live on through adversities, I thought I can grow on through the pain and become old, But you pull me out of my self-imposed solitude, I was living, yes, but spirit was turning sore.

You wake me up from the darkness, Alleviate the cruelty of fate and strife, Your words give me air to breathe, make me real, Everyday, you give me a new chance, new life!

No matter how far away I might be, Your presence always lingers around, And when I’m home, and you call my name,

Nothing is a sweeter sound!!

35. To my dear lil sis!

We haven’t grown up together like conventional siblings, But then again we have never been quintessential, What we share, what we have, what we will, Is not just for now, but will redefine the word perpetual!

You came into my life like an oasis, A source of solace in an amaranthine desert, You were the cool breeze that blew over my face, You made all seem easy, every struggle, every effort!

When I first proclaimed my feelings towards you, You reciprocated with utmost ease, You accepted me as your brother, your sibling, It seemed like a cure for an intractable disease!

Today is a day when a bro pledges protection to his sister, I promise you so much more, in words and in spirit, I’ll be there when the need arises, like I did before,

You don’t need to ask; you don’t even have to think it!

You’re a bundle of joy, harbinger of opulence, You’re tranquility, placidity, composure and bliss, You are a radiant glow like those eyes of yours, You’re my cute, bright, sweet little sis!!

36. You and me and friends to be!

There were times when I was all alone, And you kept me from losing hope, you made me strive, I bared out to you my heart and soul, You kept me safe, you kept me alive!

We’ve become the best of friends ever since, You gave a new meaning to what is called trust, We literally lived every minute together, We grew together, deep, so much deeper from the crust.

This is not a love ballad, but you’ll be in my heart always, I don’t care how they see it, how they perceive, You’re my Best Friend, now and always.

I see you cry, but you are so far away, I don’t want to just say ‘it’ll be alright’ I want to be next to you and protect you,

Take my hand, hold it tight.

You’ve seen so much, felt all that pain, For your state you’ve been very strong, I wish I could have been there by your side, Because I know I could have kept you safe and warm.

Because when we’re with each other, We feel safe, no more tears in our eyes, Our Friendship can fight any obstacle, Because we’re worth every loss, every sacrifice!

37. She

She walks in, and everyone turn their heads, All the special senses are stimulated by her presence, She walks with an air of confidence and power, Her personality is evident in the effervescence!

An expression of bearing with the world, Yet she somehow is very approachable, she gives the signs, But beware, don’t rub her the wrong way, It’s worse than stepping on a landmine!!

The drums start playing when she hits the dance floor, The orchestra begins as she starts to move, Her grace defines the melody, the tune, Everyone strives to match her groove!

She doesn’t strive to be all this, She just becomes so, Don’t search for a better beauty,

She’s it, now look no more!

38. Dare to Dream!

We dream for our wants and needs, We dream of selfless deeds, We dream for the want of a warm fire, We dream to renew desires.

We dream of crossing the brook, We dream of knowing the truth, We dream to live and aspire, We dream to depart and inspire.

We dream to leave a trail, We dream of heights to scale We dream of creating a spark, We dream of seeing in the dark.

We dream of living it up, We dream of never giving it up, We dream for all it seems,

we dream to dream a dream!!

39. Until next time….

If you’ve had a life like mine, you have seen a good deal, Like the plethora of tastes of a well cooked meal, Rises and falls, good days and bad, smiles and tears, Beating most challenges, at times, succumbing to fears.

So here’s goodbye for now, at least for this year, Here’s to all those colleagues, mentors, teachers and peers, Here’s to all friends, those estranged and those still near, Here’s to all you readers, hope to see you again next year!